Anwar's Hierarchy of Men

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining me today. Today, I'm lonely. It's just me. It's a solo episode, but I have so much to tell you. So you guys put your seatbelts on, because I have a lot of tea to spill today. And it's all about my hierarchy of men.

If you've ever heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, this is kind of a play on that as it pertains to men, because they are a very special breed. And I think it's important for you all to have an understanding of how they navigate the world so that you can best navigate your dating and relationship and love life. Okay? That's why we're having this episode today, and I hope you get a ton out of it. So let's talk about how men and women think, right? Men are very much people, creatures that compartmentalize everything, right? So the to do list has, like, one thing and then they do it, and then they have another thing and then they do it, right? They can't deal with a lot of different things. And when I say them, I'm not, like, generalizing everyone, right? You can always use the 8020 rule for anytime you hear me say a specific gender. So men compartmentalize the things that they do, the things that they want, the things that they need. They are very focused thinkers, and they can really only focus on one thing. It's very linear the way that they think and also the way that they think, especially as it pertains to relationships. They're very much in the present, right? So when you're on a date with them, they're just going to be thinking about the good time that they're having or whether they're having a good time or not. They're not going to be thinking about past relationships. They're not going to be thinking about a potential wedding. That's not where they're at. They're really in their heads are like, I'm hanging out with this cool girl. I'm having a good time. That's where their mind is at, right? That they're really not even going to think about any sort of exclusivity until like dates six to eight. Right. Which is roughly translates into week six or week eight of you knowing him. Whereas women might think a little bit differently. Women are what I call web thinkers, or more integrative. So they're thinking about all of these different concepts and how they're connected and what they mean. Ultimately, what that also means is that their mind is all over the place. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean, I mean, that's why mothers are able to accomplish what they're able to accomplish, because they're able to really manage a household and realize that, oh, I gotta pick up Stephanie at 2 o' clock and then I'm gonna cook dinner at, you know, five o'. Clock. They have all of that in their minds because they're able to make connections with everything and organize those things in an orderly manner that things can actually get done. You know what I'm saying? Women, for the most part, are not so much presently minded. They're either thinking very much about the future or. Or very much about the past, depending on the woman that you're talking to. Right. Oftentimes people say that, you know, people that focus on the past have greater bouts of depression. People that are often thinking about the future have greater bouts of anxiety. So, you know, the work, depending on if you are a future thinker or a past thinker, is to get into that present moment. That's not what this episode is about. But I just wanted to kind of offer to you that the differences in how men and women are thinking. Okay, so let's get to my hierarchy of men. But first, what I want to do is talk about Maslow's hierarchy because these are the needs of human beings and how it relates to men. Right. So Maslow's hierarchy starts off with physiological as level one, safety as level two, love and belonging as level three, esteem as level four, and self actualization in level five. So my hierarchy of men are aligned with all of these different levels. So when it comes to level one physiological, these are the level one men. They're looking for their basic needs, which oftentimes just means sex. And this represents roughly 30% of the men out there. Not all men are just looking for sex. If it's available to them, they will definitely get it. But there are a portion of men, roughly a third of them, that are just looking for sex. And that's it. And that's okay. That's not a judgment, but I'm saying this because I want you to be clear headed about when you are dating, what this is going to look like, right? So that's a level one guy. A guy that is just looking for sex. And you know, the way that I teach my clients in my program will help you distinguish between all of these different levels and make sure that you're not wasting your time on all of these men that are just at level one, the physiological level of just wanting sex. The second level is all about safety, right? And for Maslow's hierarchy, this is all about, you know, having a roof or over your head, right? But in my hierarchy of men, this is about having a stable job, right? There are men that can't hold a job, can't hold a place to live, these homeless dudes that want to shack up with you really quickly because they don't have a place to really stay or lay their head. They are level two safety guys. And I would say roughly 15 to 20% of the of the men are around this area. So that includes unemployed, underemployed, all of those things. Why am I saying this? I think this is an important point to belabor because if a man doesn't have a stable job, he cannot provide for you and he cannot prioritize you because he's going to be focused on on his job and getting the best job that he can get. Because men are naturally competitive, right? So when we talk about level one guys, the sex guys, the level two guys, the career challenged men, I put them in one category and I call them the disappearing acts. And I say that because oftentimes those are the men that are going to disappear on you really quickly, right? You're not giving them sex, they're going to be out of here. Or even if you do give them sex, they'll be out, right? They're done. For men that are career challenged, they're going to disappear because getting a job is going to be so important to them. So they might actually have two jobs, right? Which means that they might be overworking. I have a client right now who was in the initial talks of talking to a guy that was working 90 hours a week and not because he was a doctor or an investment banker, but he had multiple jobs. And there's no way that she could be prioritized in a potential relationship if that were the case, right? So those guys are going to disappear on you because they're going to be busy, because they're going to be working, or if they already don't have the Specific tons of hours that they have. They're going to be always looking for more jobs, a different job and prioritizing that. Okay, so that's level one, that's level two. Now I want to talk about level three, which is all about love and belonging. Now this level is really about, you know, having healthy connections with family, friends, being able to be intimate and trusting. And again, these will be roughly 15 or 20% of the guys out there. When I say level three guys, it's about the men that actually don't have those things, that don't have a loving relationship with their family, that they don't have a lot of friends. You know, they have some intimacy issues and trust issues, right? They might always think that you're cheating, right? They might be jealous. They might not like to be touched or hugged or things like that. They might not talk with their family a lot. They might not have a lot of friends. So we want to look out for that. Not saying these are bad guys, but I want you to be super clear eyed about what sort of growth opportunities are needed for specific kinds of men. These are the guys that I call almost boyfriends because they have all of the things on paper, but those like those intangibles, right? The connection, the relationships, the trust, the intimacy that are so important in relationships, they do not have. There's no way that you can be in a relationship with a guy that doesn't have the love and belonging outside of the relationship. Right? Because if they don't have that, they may not know how to cultivate that inside the relationship. Okay, so the next level is level four. And this is all about esteem. Now esteem is self confidence, accomplishing goals, knowing who they are and mastering a craft. So for the men that stop at this level, this is where we can get really sad because I call these guys like Mr. All that, but.

Meaning they got it all, but they're just not ready to commit because either they lack the confidence to, right? They lack the confidence to feel like they can provide for you. They haven't accomplished everything that they've wanted in life. And so they just feel like they can't do this relationship, relationship thing right now. Right? They may not know who they truly are. They may have just gone through these different expected career paths or life paths that have already been created for them. You know, went to the Ivy League school, went on the consulting track and is now a partner, right. Without really knowing that actually he doesn't want to be a partner of a consulting firm. He doesn't want to be a lawyer or a doctor. He really just wants to do anime, for example. Right. Those are the men that are still trying to find themselves like internally. And there is nothing that you can do to help them get over that patch in terms of having a relationship with them. Because they're always going to be unsatisfied with their life. And if they're unsatisfied with their life, they're going to be unsatisfied with whatever relationship that you're going to be in with them. Right. Again, this is roughly 15 to 20% of men as well. Right. That seems super high quality, except for they're just not ready to commit. Those are the level 4 esteem levels. When we talk about esteem, I think it's important to realize that men create esteem in a certain kind of way. Three things. Physical attractiveness. Right. Confidence with women, and career success. When my clients are talking to me about some of the guys that they're talking to, one of the first things I do is I ask them what does their career look like? Right. Because if they're still an analyst and they want to be the director or vp, it's going to be hard for them to prioritize you because they're always going to be searching for the next thing. Right. And that's going to be their priority. Men create their esteem based on their career and if they're not happy with that, it's going to be hard for them to be happy in other parts of their lives as well. So I want you to really understand that. Okay, so now what I want to talk about are the self actualized guys. These are level five guys. These are guys that are ready to realize their potential, that are fulfilled, that have continuous growth. These represent roughly 10% of the guys. So when I tell you that 9 out of the 10 guys you go out on a date with will probably not be the one that this is what I mean, there's that 10% that are going to be ready for a relationship and are going to match with you. Right? I know you're probably saying 10%. That's not a lot, girl. This is part of the love game, right? I'm giving you these numbers so you can manage your expectations. So that when someone doesn't work out, even though you have a great conversation with them, you don't fret, you don't freak out because you know that he's not the one. Right? He's not my future husband or my future partner. And that's okay too. I want you to realize that these are Things that are really important to be able to segment and categorize these men's can help you realize, oh, you know what, he was having some major intimacy issue. He's a level three guy. He wasn't ready. Right. Or he hasn't really mastered a craft yet. There's nothing that he's really good at. He doesn't have the self confidence that he needs. He's a level four esteem guy. Right. Or this guy does not have a stable job. He is a level two safety guy. Or this guy's just looking for sex. He is a level one physiological guy. Right? This is important. Most men are not ready and that's okay. Our job is to accept them where they're at and know that we require some something different. Not better, not worse, just different. Right. This is important as you are navigating your love journey, right. That these first four levels that represent 90% of guys are not going to be a match for you. Because of the things that I've just kind of outlined. We are looking for those level 5 self actualized guys who have realized their potential, who are fulfilled with their lives, that are continuously and always growing. Right. And when you are thinking about this, ask questions when you're getting to know a guy that are going to relate to all of these different things to get a sense of where he's at on this hierarchy of men. So for example, if you're trying to figure out if he has esteem and you want to get an understanding of his confidence, his goals, if he knows who he is, if he's mastered a craft, you can ask questions like what's the last goal that you've accomplished and why was that goal important to you? What is the craft or the thing that you feel like you're an expert in to get a sense of his esteem? Now I have a ton of questions that I give to my clients to help to establish what these things are. Again, this is about being able to accurately evaluate men and know if this man is going to be ready for a relationship and is going to be a potential match for a long term relationship. Okay? So I want to step aside, I want to kind of pivot and I want to talk about what's going on right now in the dating life as it pertains to men. Right. Because I mentioned a number of times that he's not ready and there are reasons for that. Right. Obviously we've heard when we were in elementary school that, you know, girls mature faster than boys and that boys are maturing slower. Another thing that is happening that's happened over the last 20, 30 years is that education has changed. It's become less physical. And because of that, men need some physicality in their learning experience to help to kind of make it exponential. They have been falling behind. And roughly 40% of women are getting a college degree and only 30% of men are. So there is a huge discrepancy between the educated people. And right now, the way that people are dating is called assortive dating, which means that I have a college degree. I'm looking for people that only have a college degree or higher. I have a master's degree, so I'm only looking for people that have a master's degree or higher. Right. I'm not here to put any judgment on that. I'm just giving you the information so that you know and I'm sure that you're probably doing the same thing. Right. But what does that mean? That means that there are roughly going to be 20 to 35% more women than men in that circle, which means that you're quote unquote competing or men have more choice than women do. Right. In this dating scenario. Currently. What that also means is because fewer men are getting college educated, it's harder for them to actually gain career success. It's a slower path for them that they're not going to be ready for relationships until they are older, especially in those bigger cities like la, San Francisco, Toronto, New York, London. Because that's their prime focus, their focus thinkers, remember? Right. So their priority is going to be getting to a certain level of their career so that they can feel like they have a stage that's taking longer. And because all of the kickass women out there, it's getting harder to attain that. Right. Because it's a much more competitive workforce, again, meaning that they are achieving that success in their life at a slower rate. Most men will want and need to settle down and feel accomplished before they can be ready for a relationship. If that doesn't happen, there's no way he's going to be able to truly prioritize you. He's going to feel like a project and not a partner, and that's going to emasculate him and he's going to feel turned off and it's going to lower his self confidence to complete zeroness.

They're always going to be telling themselves, especially if you have your life together, am I the man I want to be? Yet that's the question that they are consistently and constantly asking of themselves. And if they aren't most men won't be ready very often. That prioritization doesn't have a lot to do with you. Right. Everything that I've talked about with men is really internal. They're not at a place in their lives. But you may be at a place in your life. There's no way that it's going to work. He's never going to want to engage because he's not the man that you need and he knows that, so he's going to disengage from that. Some people feel like, oh, he ghosted me. Oh, there must be something wrong with him. There's nothing wrong with you. It's him who doesn't have his life together and he's going to need time to get there. This is why, like, I'm never surprised when, you know, my clients will say, yeah, I'm talking to this guy that I Talked to like three or four years ago. This happens like maybe 10% of my clients. I'm not surprised because some men need to get their lives together and get the confidence that they need to actually be the man that you need. And that's okay. So I want you to realize that most men are not ready, that it is not you. There's nothing wrong with you. Maybe there are some things, right. That you could probably be doing that are more effective in connecting with individuals. But the majority of the cases, it's happening with the man. Why am I saying this? I'm saying this because I think sometimes what can frustrate us is this feeling of something's wrong with me, I'm not enough, I'm not worthy of a relationship. Right. No one's seeing me, no one's talking to me, no one's valuing me. When in reality they're not valuing themselves. They don't see the man that they want to be in themselves. Right. They're feeling unworthy. This is a very important distinction to make. And I'm explaining this because I want you to have elongated dating journey so that you keep at it that you stay consistent. Because I know that when you're consistent, you will find love. Most often, so many women out there start and stop and that kills your momentum. I hope this was helpful. I hope you are starting to think about maybe your past relationships and realize exactly at what level these men were at and why they were not good for you. Right. And why they were not at that self actualized level. Because those are the only men that we're going to be dating. At least those are the men that my clients are dating. And if you want to be dating those men and know how to do that in more depth, you should sign up for a consultation call and we can talk about your own individualized love journey and realize how to overcome some of those barriers to finally get your guy. All right, my loves, I hope this was helpful. I'll talk with you soon. Bye.

Hey girl, thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.