Anwar White, a dating coach for Black and brown women, challenges the idea that Black women are "late bloomers." He reframes dating as a path to self-actualization rather than simply a route to marriage, argues that the commonly cited relationship timeline (marriage by mid-20s to mid-30s) is a "white woman's timeline," and explains disparities using Maslow's hierarchy: many Black women start at the safety level (focused on financial/emotional security) and therefore reach love/belonging, esteem, and self-actualization later. He cites his 13 years as a coach and claims that many Black men aren’t ready for marriage until around age 35 versus other men around 30, contributing to different marriage ages.
Everybody's falling in love and I'm falling behind.
Hey girl. So I just want to let you know that I don't subscribe to this. Black women becoming late bloomers. And I hope that you won't either by the end of this video. Now for those of you that don't know me, my name is Anwar White. I'm a dating coach for black and brown women. And there are a few things that I want to share with you. One.
Blooming means that the goal is a relationship or marriage. And dating is not about that. Dating is about self actualization and becoming the woman that's ready for the best relationship of her life. Number two, I want to let you all know that this timeline that you all are thinking you're supposed to be going into is a white woman's timeline. This, this. I'm supposed to be married by the ages of 25 to 35. In my experience, I've been a dating coach for 13 years. Smart and successful black women are actually getting married by 30 in the ages of 35 and 45. And that's often because black men are actually not self actualized or ready for marriage until the age of 35 versus other men that are ready by the age of 30. So that's another reason why that's not happening. But there are deeper reasons why you might be starting out a little bit later or not at all. And I want to go through that with you because a lot of people are talking about, oh, these boys weren't checking for me when I was younger, or there's a lot of dating racism, or I didn't have the chance to actually date until college. And those are all true. But again, there are deeper levels to this and I want to be the one to kind of share with you how I think about this. Okay, so there are different, you know, needs that we have based on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The first is physiological. So that is like food, water, shelter. Most of us have that, both black and white. The next level is safety. And this is emotional safety. This is financial security. Many of your white counterparts have that, but black women, most of us grow up not having that. And so the focus for our security is around getting good grades, getting into great jobs so that not only can we secure ourselves, but oftentimes our family that is still suffering and not financially independent. A lot of our white counterparts don't have that. So many black women get stuck in the safety level of needs. And when you are conditioned and programmed growing up that you can't Rely on a man that no one's going to be there to save you, protect you, that you have to rely on yourself. Makes perfect sense why you would stay at that safety level. Yeah, absolutely. After that, the next level is love and belonging. Now, many of us grow up in households where there isn't a lot of deeper emotional connection. Oftentimes the parental relationship and the household structure feels obligational and transactional. And so we actually have to learn how to deeply connect with people, which is different than our white counterparts. So that's going to take a little bit of time for us. Right. The next level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs is all about esteem. So again, when you have society, when you have different like conditioning and different kind of voices and opinions telling you what value you have in this world and it's less than you have to actually transcend that and that takes extra work and labor as well. Mentally, physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, which is another thing that you're going to have to go through. Once you get through all of these three things, then you will become self actualized and become the woman that's ready for the best relationship of her life. Many black women are starting at the safety level. Yeah. Whereas many white women are actually starting at the love and belonging or the esteem level, which is making it easier or quicker for them to actually, you know, find their person.
So I just want to let you know that it's not that you're a late bloomer, it's that you didn't have the safety, so you weren't planted. Well, it means that you didn't have the water because we didn't have that belonging that we needed and we didn't have as much sunlight. We didn't get the esteem from society and oftentimes familial. If you, you want to learn how to get these things for yourself, I would love to work with you and help you out with that. So book a call if you want, but let me know in the comments. Has that been your experience again? The timeline that you think is not your timeline. I hope this helps.
