Anwar White (dating coach) argues that many women are socialized to be "good daughters"—people-pleasing, compliant, and always prioritizing their parents' needs—which undermines success in romantic dating. He contrasts this with being a "good woman" who speaks her truth, prioritizes her wants and boundaries, asks for help, and creates space for a true partner. He encourages women to stop seeking parental approval (especially from mothers), reallocate attention to self-love, and book a coaching call if they want help shifting identity and dating habits.
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Girl, I'm gonna need you all to stop being good daughters. And I know that sounds really crazy and weird, but here's what I Most women are actually raised to be good daughters and not good women. And I know it sounds really weird and probably really ironic coming from a gay man. And I'm not here to tell you how to be a woman. What I am here to do, especially as a dating coach for 15 years and as your fairy godbrother, is to let you know how to be successful in dating. Because what I know for sure again, is that that if you are a good girl, if you are a good daughter, you won't be able to do the things that you need to do to be successful in dating. So a good daughter listens, obeys, does what she's told, doesn't talk back. And the reason she does that is because she has learned that she has to keep the peace to be loved. That she has to become smaller and not a human to be in a relationship. A good woman doesn't do that. She speaks up. She speaks her truth. She prioritizes her wants, her needs, her desires, her convenience, her comfortability above everything else. Because this is the way that she actually is able to repel vet men that are not able to do the same for her. Prioritize her first, a good daughter will drop everything that she is doing to make sure that her parents, specifically her mother, is good. Good. What does that look like? So for example, miss a call from your mom, she'll call you two, three, four times until you pick up. What that means is you are on someone else's timetable, someone else's schedule. You are prioritizing their needs first and your second. You're a second class citizen in your own relationship. A good woman doesn't do that. She does everything on her own timetable. She is not here to be an assistant to be on call for other people. Actually she does the reverse. She wants other people to be on call for her. That's the difference. A good daughter, she gets good grades. She might cook, she might clean, she might do tasks or errands for her parents because she is performing for love. She believes that she has to work or do to be loved. A good woman doesn't do that. Girl, a good woman does knows that she is love and all she has to do is be. And again, she allows other people to do for her instead of her do for them. And lastly, a good daughter doesn't cause trouble. She doesn't ask for too much because she doesn't want to be a burden. And she thinks that if she does, she's not going to be loved because she wants to make life as easy as possible for her parents. Totally get that. A good woman, she asks for help anytime that she can do so to make things easier for herself and her life. Why? Because when she doesn't have a lot of things on her plate, she can find true pleasure in life. Also, she is stressing her man out with boundaries, with vulnerabilities, with things that she wants so that she can evaluate whether a man is in his true masculine to be able to provide for her. This is how she gets the best man possible as a good woman. So girl, let me know, are you a good daughter or are you a good woman? And if you want help making that identity shift, definitely book a call. But the reason why I'm talking about this is because ultimately what we're going to have to do is stop the good daughter ways. Girl, be a bad daughter. Why? The quicker that you can step out of her shadow, the quicker that you can stop competing with her. The quicker that you, you can stop trying to prove to her that you're better than her. The quicker that you stop chasing her love, being desperate for her love is the quicker that you will actually find true love in your romantic relationships and in your dating life. Why? Because you will start to reframe and pivot that attention, energy and time to yourself. And when you're able to do that, you will know what true self love is and be able to evaluate that from a potential partner. You will also create space, space for your future, future partner to come into your life because you are letting go of the surrogate relationship that you're having with your parents, but specifically your mother. I hope this helps. Let me know in the comments if anything that I said resonated with you.
