Are You Giving Too Much?

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go. I never felt the way I do without anyone but you. Hello, my loves. I am so happy that you decided to join me today. I want to let you know that you listening gives me so much life and I appreciate every download. Every time you take the time out of your day to listen to what I have to say, I really do feel honored. So I want to thank you first and foremost for that. Now, in today's episode, I want to talk all about giving. Yes, girl, giving. And I know that it's like, what are you talking about? Why are we talking about giving, girl? Because most of you are doing it and most of you are doing it too much at the end of relationships. You're trying to figure out, well, I was doing this and I was doing that and I was giving this and I was giving that. Why did he go? Why did he disappear? Why did he ghost, girl? I'm gonna talk all about that today. So if you are a giver, stay tuned because we are really gonna go in. Okay, awesome. Okay, so I want to talk about giving because I think that women are trained to be givers, especially black women, right? What we see oftentimes is our mothers and grandmothers just constantly giving. Giving to work, giving to children, giving to a husband, giving to church, giving to community service, right? It's all about giving. And so ingrained in us, what we have learned, what has been modeled for us is that we are supposed to give. And that is how we love and that is how we are to be loved, right? We love our mothers because they give so much to us, not just because they are inherently themselves. So that's why I think that we equate giving with love. And, and I want us to realize that giving is actually a masculine energy trait, right? You know, when we talk about feminine and masculine, the feminine leads with feelings and nurturing and the masculine leads with acting, doing, providing, right? Giving is providing. It's providing financial help, it's providing a roof over your head, it's providing additional resources, whatever it may be. And so it's really important that when you give, you are demonstrating your masculine energy. And for a masculine man, it's going to be odd for them. So we'll talk a little bit about that. But as I was saying earlier, I talk to women all day, every day, either with my clients or with potential clients that are interested in working with me. And oftentimes I hear about women, especially women that are smart and successful and that have financial means, saying, like, they're doing all of these things, right? They're getting gifts for men, and they're, you know, doing dinner and all of these other things. And it really is too much for most men. And when you do give, right, you're actually not creating space for the man to do things for you. Okay, I want to repeat that because I think it's an important idea to really internalize. When you're doing so much in the relationship, you give no space for the man to actually do act, provide, and give to you. And when that happens, he's gonna feel like he has no value in the relationship. There's nothing that he can really contribute. I think that there's an expectation that I'm doing all of these things, I'm giving all of these things. I'm acting like a girlfriend. Why am I not the girlfriend? Right? Or if I act like the girlfriend, then he'll step up to be my boyfriend and he'll want me to be his girlfriend. But this actually isn't how it works. And I think that giving is, like, the gateway to so many people and how they think about becoming girlfriend and boyfriend status. It's doing too much. It really is. Because ultimately you're giving a lot of these men girlfriend benefits without the actual title and responsibility of girlfriend and boyfriend status. That's not fair to you, and it's not fair to him. Okay, so we talked a little bit about how we think about love and equate it to giving based on some of the things that our mothers have done. Especially if you grow up in a single mother household, this is super prevalent. I want to talk a little bit about four fathers, because I think that they also have something to contribute to this. Now, if you grew up with a father that was so focused on himself, right, either an alcoholic, a workaholic, if he was violent or abusive, if he was super narcissistic, or if he was a man who expressed high performance expectations on you, his daughter, then I can understand why giving, giving, giving can be a very natural first impulse for you, right? The reason why I'm also bringing up this giving is because giving can easily turn into mothering. And when I say mothering. I mean, when you are doing so many things for men without the relationship, without the ring, without the commitment, that you actually become their mother and not their woman or their love in interest, right? This is what we often call Peter Pan syndrome. And it's funny, like, a lot of women will say, I keep on attracting the same guys that are just not good for me. These lazy guys that aren't doing anything. Yeah, girl. It's probably because you may be mothering them and giving them the opportunity to sit back and just receive as you give, give, give, give, give. Because we are so focused on being in a relationship and being in love and getting married that we don't care how we get there. Let's talk about these Peter Pans for a second, because these are the narcissistic little boys who haven't really grown up yet, right? Grown up into manhood. Now, as someone who has dated many spoiled Italian men who are notorious for being Peter Pans, they call it viziato in Italian. Very spoiled. These are the men who stay and live with their parents and their mother does everything for cook, clean, love, laundry, everything. This is totally a thing, right? And not just in Italian men, but in so many different cultures. These Peter Pans don't really have the ability to love, protect, cherish, and assume responsibility at the level that you probably need, deserve, and yearn for. And the earlier that you can recognize that and actually accept it, the better. Right? I don't want you mothering these men. I want them showing up for you first and foremost and then evaluating if it's a match or not. That means that you are going to have to give them the space to show up for you and to do for you. And that might be really difficult for you because you're probably used to being the strong friend. You're probably used to being the person that everyone relies on in your friendship circle or even in your family. You might be the only one who has a college degree or a graduate degree, and people are expecting things of you, and you always have to be the responsible one who's giving your time, your energy and your money to help people who oftentimes continue to mess up. I want to offer to you that there's another way of doing this and that this way that you have been operating in your relationships probably hasn't served you. That has probably created an imbalance in your relationships. Now, girl, I'm not coming for you. I was that girl. I'm speaking from personal experience, and honestly, I'm speaking to Myself as I talk to you. Right. So I know better than anyone out there, but I speak from what I know. And what I know is that if we don't have some boundaries in place when it comes to some of these relationships where it's both give and take, it's not going to happen. It's not going to be long term, it's not going to be healthy, and it's not going to be commitment focused. Okay, I want to talk a little bit more about Peter Pans because I talk to so many women, and they're always talking about how because they're making so much money, they have had to spot these men oftentimes. And I want to give you scenarios where you might be dealing with a Peter Pan. Okay? So Peter Pans will get you to actually make the dinner or theater reservations, or they'll ask you to lend them money, or they want you to pick him up for a date, or they want you to pick out their mother's birthday present because he may be too busy to do it himself, or quote, unquote, he thinks that you're so much better at it. Right. They expect mommy to take care of them better than they do themselves. Girl, it's a big no, no. It's not gonna work. A masculine energy man, which I believe most of you are actually looking for, does not marry a woman who gives to him unless he has little boy tendencies and wants to be mothered. A masculine man marries a feminine woman who is available to receive from. From him, who respects him for giving and who knows how to give back to reward him, but always a little less than she gets. Now, I call this strategic giving, and this is something that I go over with my clients, that you should be giving him things, but the things that you give him should never be more than what he gives you. Right. We do this because we want to signal that there's going to be reciprocation, that he's not always going to be doing all of the heavy lifting and all of the work. Good guys have probably in the past been used, and so they're very sensitive around that. They don't want to feel like a bank. They want to feel like they're going to be appreciated for the things that they're contributing to the courtship and the relationship. So strategically, giving is an important part of exactly how to show him that. And like I was saying before in my program, I show my clients exactly how to do this, and we talk about what kinds of gifts are going to be purchased. Perfect. Depending on the Phase of the relationship. Like I was saying before, unless you want to be his mama, you must learn to say no to these requests that he may be asking you to do. And when you say no to what you don't want, you're probably going to be faced with one of two responses from a man. Either he'll say, one, you deserve someone much better than me. I don't have what you need or want. And when they say that, girl, go the other direction, he's letting you know he can't fulfill what you need. And that's okay. It doesn't mean that you're not lovable or that you're not worth being loved. It means that he doesn't have the ability and the capability at this point in his journey to fulfill your needs. And that's okay. We want to accept him for who he is and how he's showing up. Your job is not to change him. Okay? So that's the first response. The second response, the other choice that he could say or think to himself is, okay, she's saying no. How can I please her? How can I make her more comfortable? Let me figure out and find the things that she wants. By experimenting and creating, he's going to feel more motivated to actually find out what turns you on, what's going to make you happy. Okay? I think sometimes people get afraid to say no. Maybe because when they were growing up, no wasn't an option for them. Or that when they said no either in past relationships or even growing up, that the response was a raised voice, right? Violence, abuse and no means, fear. I want you to realize that your strength as a woman who is in her feminine energy is to say no is to set the boundaries. Here's the thing. Masculine men love problems and challenges you. Saying no is going to put him into problem solving mode, right? You hear it all the time. They love the chase. Little boys, you know who I'm talking about. The Peter Pans like mama to do it for them. They don't want you to ask them for anything at all. Women who attempt to control men by saying yes to everything and suppressing their feelings are often perceived as insecure and inadequate. And girl, that is not a turn on. That is not hot. That is not going to bring your man closer and more connected to you. Like I was saying before, a masculine man is turned off by a yes woman because he knows that she's needy, she's dependent, she's guilt inducing and probably easily manipulated. He doesn't want that in a partner that feels like A weak link. He wants someone that is the opposite of all of those things. He wants someone that is independent, someone that can manage their own mind and emotions. Here's the thing. He needs to trust your no to believe your yes. Let me say that again. He needs to trust your no to believe your yes. When you say no, he's going to actually respect you more. Girl, your word is everything. He has to be able to trust your virtue before marriage and after marriage. When I say this, I mean that he wants to know that you will be easily able to thwart off any sort of advances or temptations while you're married. And everything that happens before marriage is really a test of that. This is a loyalty issue. It's a loyalty issue for a lot of men. So for my ladies and their dominant masculine energy who are always giving, giving, giving, giving, giving. And you want to go into your feminine energy. Girl, I need you to stop giving. I need you to sit and I want you to wait and I want you to observe until he gets the message and talks to you about negotiating a more balanced deal, right? In anything and everything that is going on between you and the man that you're talking to. I want you to start allowing, accepting and receiving. I don't want you to be giving. If you're giving more presents during the holidays than receiving, we have a problem. It means that you have trained people that you are always going to be giving more to them. Probably feels good, strokes your ego a bit, but it's not going to work in your love life and I'm here to help you put a stop to it. Okay, this starts with the small stuff, like if someone is always coming to you for advice, maybe we need to stop giving as much advice. Maybe we need to start asking them for advice about certain things. Again, this is about having balanced relationships. Someone's always coming, asking you for help, asking you for money, asking you to do things for them. Sometimes the answer should be no. If something is coming up in you that's feeling resentful, we need to say no. Because a resentful yes is a lie. And I want you to be emotionally honest with yourself and I want you to be emotionally honest with others. Okay, so what does this all mean in terms of the stereotypical image of a self sacrificing woman? Especially a self sacrificing black woman, which we always see. It means that image is completely wrong and complete bs And I want you to stop perpetrating it. I need you to know that you need to stop giving. If you want a masculine man. I want you to think about this like you think about the 8020 rule. You should be allowing, accepting and receiving 80% of the time and you should be giving 20%. If your numbers are not that, then we gotta reallocate. Girl, you got to start shifting. You will also realize when you start doing this that people are going to drop off. It's probably going to be a good thing. It's probably letting you know that these people were using you for what you were able to do for them and not because of the person that you are. True clarity, A true blessing. I would rather you deal with four real people that are going to show up for you when you're going through something than 20 people that you don't know where you stand with. I'm talking about these things because you may not hear these things often, but my job is to help get my clients into healthy relationships and to get married. That's why 90% of my clients are in healthy relationships and I will say healthy, exclusive relationships within three to six months of working with me. And roughly 60% of my clients are married within two years. We need to change the paradigm and it starts with you. Stop giving and start receiving. With that said, I want to send you all my love and I hope that you're doing well this week. Talk Soon.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching. com. Apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcast. Talk soon.