Anwar White (dating coach) explains a simple internal model—three parts of the self: healthy, traumatic, and survival—and gives numerical heuristics for relationship readiness. He recommends aiming for ~50% of one’s self to be in ‘healthy’ parts (with the remaining split roughly 25% traumatic / 25% survival) and uses a trigger-rate example (≤1 trigger in 4 interactions → ~25% trigger rate) to assess readiness. He frames this guidance specifically for women of color and notes added difficulties when both partners have high traumatic/survival proportions.
Chapters
Hey, girl. It's dating coach Anwar, and I am here to talk a little bit about how to figure out if you are ready for a healthy relationship. Now, I want to give you this visual representation. And I got this from an original creator. Her name is, I think, Starlight Galaxy. I'll tag her below. But we have three parts to ourselves. The healthy parts, the traumatic parts, and the survival parts. And your healthy parts have to actually be able to cover your partner's survival and traumatic parts. One thing that I think is really important is you want to be able to be 50% healthy and then 25% traumatic and survival parts. Now, I am a dating coach for women of color. And so what I've seen is that oftentimes our traumatic parts are 40%, our survival parts are 40%, and our healthy parts are 20%. And so my job as a dating coach is to help you get to that 50% mark. And I use dating as a medium to do that. Now, one of the ways that I think is important for you to figure out any am I actually healthy or ready for a healthy relationship? Is figuring out if. Let's say you have four different experiences with guys, and they say something that might be a little bit out of pocket. Now, if you are triggered zero or one time out of those four times, you probably are ready for a healthy relationship because your trigger percentage is at 25%. But if it's anything more than that, or we have some healing to do, I think that there's a misconception here that you have to be 100% healed. And that's not necessarily the case. You really just have to be 50% healed. Because when you're in a healthy relationship, what will happen is that your trigger parts and your survival parts will probably go in half. You will never get rid of them. You will only reduce them significantly. So with that said, let me know what your actual part ratio is. And if you need help getting to that healthy 50% level, definitely book a call with me so that we can use dating to help you get there. And I just put this here because, you know, there are a lot of women of color that want to date men of color, but you also have to realize that they have a high level of traumatic and survival parts, too. And this makes the dating really hard, because if it's, you know, if you. Your survival part will probably speak to his survival part, and that will create a dysfunctional relationship. If your traumatic part is speaking to his traumatic part, it will create a toxic relationship. And this is what makes if you're a black woman dating a black man, really difficult, besides the numbers and everything else that is going on. But again, let me know what your ratio is, and I hope that this helps.
