Asking For Help...A Necessity For Love

Hello, everyone. Hello. Hello, Hello. Hello. Welcome to Tuesday Tea. Thank you so much for joining me. My name is Anwar White, and I am the founder and creator of get yout Guy Coaching. And in get yout Guy Coaching, we're focused on really helping smart and successful women find love here, heal their hearts, and date effectively. Thank you for joining me. In today's session, what we're going to be talking about is.

Asking for help and how it is such a necessity for love. Okay. I think it's so important. And.

The reason why I am talking about this today is because in my Facebook group, and you'll have to excuse me, the outside noise, it's summertime and people are rocking and rolling on their motorcycles.

So the reason why I'm focusing on this is today I put in my Facebook group that I asked a question, I said, what is the hardest thing to say? And people. And the answers were, I love you, I need help. And I'm sorry. And the overwhelming results, which I was not really surprised about, was I need help. So obviously a lot of people are having some issues asking for help. So I wanted to come on today and end the live to explain kind of what's that about and what does that mean in your love life and how can we start to overcome that so that you can. You can start to succeed in your love life? Okay.

Awesome. So before we get started, just let. I just want to see how everyone is doing and just. I want to touch base and see how have you treated yourself this week? Have you done anything for yourself to make you feel good, to have you relax, to give you peace of mind? What sort of things have you been able to give to yourself so that you can enjoy life? I'll show you something that I just received in the mail, which I love. I hope I don't spill. That would be really embarrassing.

So basically, this is like a jellyfish bowl, which is super relaxing. And I set that right on my desk. And I got this because I grew up in Southern California and water is something that was really relaxing for me. And so now that I have this and all of my kids are super loving it and it relaxes them, too. So I'd love to just figure out kind of what sort of things you have found to really treat yourself this week. And if you haven't, I want to encourage you to start treating yourself on a weekly basis. And I'm saying this because treats are so important in terms of really valuing yourself and just getting in the habit of really loving yourself and physically showing that Love. And it doesn't always have to be through physical things, right? The things that are enjoyable to you don't have to cost money, right? So if you don't have any idea about how to really treat yourself.

Write a list about the things that you really like, the things that you enjoy, the things that bring you pleasure, and start really, you know, doing those things like once a week. Right? Okay, so enough about that. I want to get into our subject, which is all about asking for help and how it is such a necessity for your love life. Okay, so asking for help is.

Almost the same as giving too much, right? It's the same coin, just different sides. So I'm sure that if you're not asking for a lot of help that you're probably giving too much in most of your relationships. And I want to kind of explore and discover where this is coming from and usually what happens. And usually the reason why women give too much or they do not ask for help specifically is because if you go back into your childhood, what it means is that perhaps some of your needs were not met in your childhood. Okay, so I want you to think back right? When you. When you were growing up as a child, and I want you to finish this question. I wish my mother or father did more of. Blank.

Just share in the comments. Sorry, the motorcycles are going crazy.

Share in the comments what you wish your mother or father did more of. Okay? And please, we're all sisters here, we're all family here, so no one is going to judge you. But these are the questions that you're going to need to ask yourself when you want to do the work. So, for example, for me, right, when I think about growing up and some of the needs that were not met for me as a child was, you know, my mother didn't come to a lot of my sporting events, right. When I was growing up, I went to boarding school and My family lived 30, 45 minutes away and rarely visited me. Right. You know, my father abandoned me and so I never really heard from him in like, decades. Right? So I wish that I. There was more reaching out for me, right? There was more checking in on me. And I don't want you to, like, you know, I could easily say, oh, my God, that stuff is so petty. That's so lame. I don't want you to judge or shame any, any of this, right? Because that's not what this is all about. If it's coming up for you, right, then it means that it's valuable and that it's valid and that you should be really thinking about this as a very important thing that is potentially affecting the reason why you're not asking for help. Because basically you're not asking for help because you don't think that it's going to be fulfilled. Because you have been taught that your expectations and what you ask for is not valued. Right. And because of that, you have learned to just not ask. Does that make sense for everyone?

Okay, got it. So again, I don't want you to judge any of the things that are coming up for you because I think it's really important for you to really think about. Again, I want to repeat this sentence I wish my mother or father did more of. Right. Think about those things, the ways that your mother or father did not meet your specific needs as a child. And that is the reason why you have learned not to ask for help. Okay. Again, don't shame it. Don't judge it. It might sound super petty, but it's not petty. It's important. If you're bringing it up, then it means that it's super important. Okay? Okay. So let's kind of switch gears a little bit. I want to talk about why we don't ask for help. Because it's a myriad of different reasons why we don't ask for help, whether we don't want to depend on others. Right. And let me know if any of this is totally resonating with you. We don't want to be a burden to anyone. Right. We think that, you know, maybe I'm not worth it enough. Right. This notion of reciprocity, meaning, like, if someone does. If someone does something for me, then I have to do something for someone else. Right.

And that is like anxiety.

Giving you anxiety in some way, shape or form, especially when it pertains to men. So, for example, if you ask men to do things for them, sometimes you might feel a pressure, whether that's internally or externally, that you have to do things sexually with them because they're doing things nice for you. Again, that's a boundary issue and we can talk about that at later lives. But again, that might be a reason why you are not wanting to specifically ask for help. Right. Another reason is a loss of control. Right. That you don't feel like you're in control when you're asking for help. Or also that you have been conditioned to think that if you ask for help.

That it will make you look weak. Right. And I don't think that it's. I think all of these things are conditionings within. Within society. Right. But I want you to think about things in a completely different way, okay? Because asking for help can actually make things a lot easier. And life is hard enough.

Right? So the easiest thing that we can do is, is actually receive help from a lot of different people. And I just want to mention that oftentimes what we do is we mirror what we see our mothers do. And a lot of the times our mothers never really ask for help. Especially if you're a woman of color, your mom probably didn't ask for help a lot, and she did everything on her own and she didn't really complain about it, and she kind of powered through. And so that is kind of your model for how you do things. Please comment if that is completely resonating with you. I know that is for me and for so many of the clients that I work with, but I just want to also let you know that what was happening in the 90s, 80s and 70s, life is so much different now. And we don't have to make. We don't have to do everything on our own. We don't have to cook dinner every night. We can order Uber eats. We can go to Postmates if we need anything, right? You don't have to clean your house every week, right? You can have people actually clean them for you, right?

Yes. I'm seeing in the comments my mom is strong, and there are so many definitions of strong, right? I don't want us to conflate being. Being strong.

And not asking for help and being efficient. Right? Life is so much busier these days, right? Our moms did not have social media. Our moms did not have jobs that you're probably working 50, 60 hours, perhaps instead of the normal 35 from a union job or 40 hours, right? The. There are so many other things going on in our lives right now that are making us even more busy. So I want us to just really be open to the fact that life is different than it was back then and busier, which means that we have to be more effective and efficient in the way that we do things, which means that we're going to need more help ultimately. Okay. Alrighty. Okay. So what I wanted to talk about as well, right? I want us to think about this in terms of a job, right? So you're at your job, your career. Let's say you work in an office. And let's think about the way in which you would do your job if you did not ask for help. So let's say a manager comes to you and says, okay, Anwar, can you please do this project. It's due in a week. It's difficult, but I know you can do it. Great. So I'm going to work.

Work, work, work, work, work, Empower through it. And I'm not necessarily. I probably do a good job because I'm a hard worker and I do my research and I'm doing things on my own. But if I don't ask for help, I actually make the assignment harder than it actually needs to be. Right. If I did have the help, what would that mean for me? That would mean that let's say I had a mentor or a coach. Right? If I had a mentor, that mentor would be able to tell me exactly what management is looking for in terms of my presentation. Right. Exactly how to present it visually and physically. Right. Also, mentoring gives you the opportunity to actually have someone advocate for you. Right. And that will give you a higher probability of having a promotion, you know, and oftentimes. And let me know if this has ever been you or not. You see all of these people that are playing the game or playing politics and they're getting promoted because the people that they're, quote, unquote, you know, sucking up to are actually their mentors and advocating for them. I'm mentioning this because so many women, specifically women of color, do not get mentors. And it makes them. And it's hard for them to ask for help because getting a mentor and getting a coach is just like asking for help. Right? And unfortunately, that actually makes it harder for you to succeed. I'm not saying you will never succeed. What I am saying, though, is that it will take you longer to do so because you're on the road alone. If you had mentors and people that have gone through the road, it will be much quicker. And so I want to make sure that you're thinking about it in this way because it will really help you think about just this in your general life. Right.

Going back to this work metaphor, I think it's important to also think about the job of the CEO. Okay? The CEO does nothing but ask for help all day, every day. Can you do this? Can you do that? Can you do this? Can you do that? Can you do this? Can you do that?

Right.

If he or she did not do that, the company would not function. And so what I want to encourage you to do is actually become the CEO. CEO of your love life. I want you to be telling people exactly what they need to be doing for you, and I want you to feel empowered in doing that. Right? It means asking for what you want in a relationship and what you deserve in a relationship. Because if you can't ask for help, right? In a relationship, even in the courting and dating phase, your relationships actually start out imbalance from a power perspective, right? Whether you're doing too much and they're doing too little, or you're not communicating any of this. And so everyone is getting lost and misinterpreted and miscommunication. Does that make sense? What I'm talking about in terms of how you really communicate your needs, but also how you become the CEO of your life and specifically your love life. Right. I don't want you acting like an intern. All of these men are your interns.

You tell them what to do, not the other way around. And once you're able to actually step into that power, you will never let go of it again.

Trust me, Trust me, trust me. I go through this with all of my clients, and they. Once I'm actually, like, working with them, they realize, wow, I have been doing things all wrong all the time. And that's. Now I understand why I was getting certain results in my love life. Right? Be the CEO of your love life and your life. Right. My sphere is love. But I want you to take this. I want you to take this message and really run with it throughout your entire life. Because how you do one thing is how you do everything. Okay.

So what does this look like when you start, when you don't ask for help and love, Right. What happens oftentimes is that you're too busy giving, giving, giving, giving, and not receiving. And then you get resentful about it. And then you start in your head thinking about all of the things that you've done for this person and how they haven't done anything for you. You play this mathematics game. I did five things for him this week, and he did one thing for me. And I'm feeling he doesn't love me. And I don't want you to play that game. Right? Or, you know, you're basically not really asking for help and you're doing all of these things and you're getting used, basically. Right? And this is so often the case for all of my female friends who are specifically teachers and nurses and who are naturally nurturing and giving.

I want you to get into the habit of actually sitting back, asking for your help and what you need and receiving. Right?

Got it. Yeah. Never looked at it this way. I know, right? No one ever teaches us exactly how to really be thinking about things and doing things. That's why I'm going on these lives to tell you how, how I work with my clients and how I get them to think about their love life in a completely different way, which helps them get amazing different results. Okay. Okay. Now I want to talk about.

Okay. I am a nurse. I do feel used, especially at work. At work or in love? Right. Same, same energy. I want to talk about what you can do specific, specifically to make sure that you are getting into the practice of asking for help. Right. The first thing that I want you to do really is all about communication. Oftentimes specifically women that are not asking for help and that are my clients are not, are being super private about their lives. Right. You don't, you know, and specifically if you're coming from, I just know, like a black family, you know, the way that we think about this is that, you know, our business is our business and we're not supposed to put it out there in the streets. I'm not saying to put it out there in the streets, but I want you to go public with the things that you want and the things that you need. Right? So who knows about your goals this year?

That's what I'm asking you. Do your friends know? Do your fam. Does your family know?

Probably not, right? Because you're not being open with them.

So I want you to be open about what your needs are, what your goals are. Right. A lot of the smart and successful women that I'm talking to have tons of goals and they knock them out of the park. Right. If you have a list of goals, right after you write that list of goals right next to it, who can help you achieve those goals?

Okay? Because when you are working with other people, you're going to attain your goals faster, right? You'll reach them, right. Because you're probably a kick ass woman who can achieve anything that she wants to. But I want you to specifically start looking for the people that can help you get there faster.

Okay, good. So let me see, let me read some questions. When you say asking for help, you just mean being vocal about your needs.

Yes, about being vocal about your needs, but also just being more open. Right. Not just talking about your needs, talking about your dreams and your desires. Right. And also asking for people to do, actually do things for you. It can be as simple as, hey, can you do me a favor and can you call me at 5 o' clock tomorrow, right when you want to hear from people on the phone. This is just a simple example. Ask them to do that for you to call you at a specific time. Right. It sounds so small, but I'm talking about small things so that we can all get into the habit of asking for help. If someone offers something to you, say yes.

Whether it's like, this morning, my partner said, hey, I see that you're really busy and you have a meeting in 20 minutes.

Do you want me to make some oatmeal for you? Yes, please. Do I need it. Right. If someone gives you a compliment. Thank you. I received that. Right. I want you to get in the habit of receiving. It's not just about giving, vocalizing your needs. I want us to be specific about receiving things. Right. Again, if you've been in my lives before, then you'll know that receiving is all about the feminine energy. Right. And once we're able to really do that, once we're able to really do that, we can start to really engage with the masculine energy.

Asking is different than receiving. But what I'm asking everyone to do, because I know that women that specifically don't ask for help are very private about their stuff.

Right. So it's all about. I want especially these women to really be open about their needs and what they want so that they can receive all that is coming to them. Right. This is about opening up the space so that they can receive. And that's really the first step. Okay? Yeah. Okay. So the second thing that I want you to do, really, is, like I was saying before about receiving, about being proud, about, let's say, your.

Accolades and the things that you're doing at work in your life. Those kinds of things. And receiving the congratulatory statements. Right. And the compliments. There's so many times where someone will compliment you and you'll just write it off. No, not really. Oh, you're amazing, Anwar. Oh, you're amazing, Tanya. Right? Oh, come on. No, receive that. Thank you. I received that. That's what I want you to put into your vocabulary. I receive your compliment. Thank you so much. That is so nice of you to say. Thank you so much. I want you to be receiving these things. Right. Again, this is all about getting in the habit of receiving. Right.

Thirdly, we talked about communication and being open. We talked about receiving, whether that's compliments or from your accolades. Thirdly, I want you to get a mentor. Right. I'm a relationship coach. I think I'm a great mentor. But it doesn't have to be me. Right. I'm not here to sell you on my program. I'm booked right now. So even if you wanted to, it would take a Couple of weeks. It can be a relationship coach, it can be a therapist. It can be an experience. Married woman. Right. I want you to find mentors in your community that can help you make it easy. Right. Again, Queen bee mindset. You'll have to ask for the mentor. Right? So you open up this space, and then you'll be able to actually receive everything that that mentor has to offer. Okay.

The best have mentors, right? Coaches. LeBron James, Michael Jordan, Oprah, Melinda Gates, Michelle Obama. Everyone has a coach or a mentor that's helping them get to the next level. Right. So many times I'm seeing specifically women of color that are not having mentors, and it is hurting them so much because they don't want to play the game. They don't want to seem vulnerable. Your vulnerability is going to help you so much as you continue to rise up. Right. Leadership is so different than people actually think. I think so many times people are thinking, I just tell people what to do, and that's how I lead. No, leadership is actually being open and talking about leadership, your story. Right. And letting people know who you are so they feel inspired to actually be led by you and to actually follow you. It's kind of the same in love as well.

Yeah. Playing the game is so tiring, but it's not about playing the game. And people talk about the game in love as well.

It's about being your authentic self and knowing what the rules of the game are. Okay. So it's always about keeping your integrity as a queen. It's not about having to. It's not having, like, you know, kissing up to your manager or whatever. I want you to find mentors that you actually look up to that are actually where you want to be. Right. And that you actually enjoy, that you like. Right. So that you can actually have a connection and learn from them. Right. It's not about, you know, kissing up to someone that you can't stand. That's annoying and disgusting. And I would never encourage that. Right? So even if the person is completely not even in your department. Right. I'm talking about work. But this can also be said for love as well. Right? And then finally, I'm going to end off where I started, all about worthiness and treats. Right? I want you to treat yourself every week, just like I started every week. I want you to treat yourself. I want you to get something for yourself that is going to make you feel good. Right? That's going to make you, like, feel joy and pleasure. That's going to be relaxing. Why do I say this because the reason you're not asking for help, and this might snatch a few wigs, is because you don't feel worthy of the help.

And unfortunately, that is one of the reasons why a lot of women are not asking for help.

But you're worthy. And.

As you continue to give yourself a treat, those treats become physical representations and manifestations of the love that you have for yourself. And that will change your subconscious in a way that you have no idea about.

Okay. It doesn't have to be expensive things. I'm not telling you to go out and get yourself a car. Right?

I want you to find the ways that are going to make you feel like a queen so that when you go out in the dating world and you're already treating yourself like a queen and someone else is not, that contrast can be so stark and you don't have to wonder if he's into you or not. No, he's not treating me better than I treat myself. He's out.

It's as easy as that, Right? There's no. What are the red flags? No, I treat myself like a queen. And if he doesn't treat me as good as I treat myself or better, then he's not here. He. He's out. To the left. To the left.

Alrighty.

Good. Well, I hope that this session was really great. I hope that you guys got a lot out of it. Yes. I love this. I gave myself a facial and a pedicure last week. Good, good. I think I'm going to do myself next week as well, so I'm looking forward to it. Treat yourself. Get a mentor. Receive the compliments, receive the accolades, receive the help. If someone's asking you, hey, do you need help cutting that tree in the front? Hey, can I. Can I do the dishes? Yes, you can. Thank you. Yes, you can. I want you to be like Obama. Yes, you can. Yes, you can do that.

And also communications. Go public with your shit. What do you need? What do you want? What are your goals? What are your dreams? Your friends should know them, your family should know them. Right? So that they can help you attain them. Right?

If you're looking for a man this year, all of your friends should know that. And you should clearly communicate with your top five friends. I'm looking for a boyfriend this year. I want all of you to know that.

So that they can be on the lookout. Right? If you're being assertive about what you want, they're going to want to support you and help you in that endeavor. Right? Let them. But you can't let them if they don't know. Alrighty. Okay, much love and I will see you next week. Alrighty. Also, if any of this resonated with you and you are thinking about, wow, I want to work with this guy, you can send me a DM or you can also set up a free consultation with me at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply www.getyourguycoaching.com apply. That is how we will talk for an hour. I will talk about your love life, past, present and future, your goals, how to get there and what's stopping you now. Because there's probably if you don't have a man now, there are probably some things that are stopping you and I want you to be aware of them. Because when you're aware of them, you can actually overcome them. Alrighty. Alright. Awesome. Have a good one you all. Much love. Bye.