Black Cat, Golden Retriever with ANNA KRISTINA

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, ladies. I hope everything is going well with you today. I have a special guest, Anna Christina.

Girl, hello.

Seen her on TikTok and all of that, but we're going to talk all about Black Hat and her Black Hat Academy. Tell me all about it, girl. But first, welcome to the podcast.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm equally as excited to be here. So I thought I'm gonna quickly introduce myself for the ladies not know me yet. So Anna Christina is my name. You might have seen me on Tick Tock with my controversial, you know, dating topics and everything which people either love or hate.

But everything's controversial these days. But yes, right.

Oh my God, people are snowflakes. I'm sorry. So you know, anyway, so yeah, my profile, very controversial at times, but also very black and white. And I'm also the creator of the viral Blackhead theory which we're going to be discuss discussing today. But overall I'm a mindset culture focuses on self love and helping women step into their full potential. And that's basically it.

I love that now the girls are going to hear a little bit of an accent. So where are you from?

From Germany. Yeah. What about you and your German experience?

Well, didn't I have some. Every time I lived in Germany I always had about five boyfriends at the same time. Because you know, girl, the Germans love black men and black women as you probably are aware of. I always. Most of them are shy girls. That means like shitty guys kind of fuck boys. But I will say that hard exterior, but once you penetrate that exterior, they are, they, you can't get rid of them. Like they will be loyal forever. So that's one thing. And then the other thing that I think is important to understand is that the, the culture is very focused on equality. And so a lot of guys will start out with 50, 50, which can be a turn off women. But you will have to just share with them that like that doesn't make you feel comfortable and they will change their ways but you have to communicate that. But they will first start off Germany, Austria, Switzerland and also Some of the Nordic countries, that's how they kind of. That's how they roll at first, but you just have to let them know that you're a lady.

Oh, my God. You picked up on that. Yeah, it's true.

I had to, girl. I was. I was so busy, I couldn't. But, you know, pick up on it.

But it's also, you know, woman wanting to be, like, really emancipated. I don't know the English word. Like that feministic sort of movement where it's like, no, I'm so independent financially, I want to, you know, like, go 50, 50, which, you know, you can do that. There's nothing wrong with that because everybody can do whatever they want. But that is definitely very present here. And some women are happy that way, too. I have something else to say about that, but we get into that later.

Yeah, for sure, for sure.

But I definitely agree with. They have that hard shell and then they become really soft once you break through.

Like a snail, huh?

And you know what? I was going to say this because I thought about, you know, like, what we're going to speak about and maybe even like, my background in dating, all these things. And I talked and I was thinking about my family and my parents and, like, the way I grew up with them and like, to observe their love. I feel like when you ask me about, you know, German cultural differences in terms of dating my parents, like my dad said, the most amazing example for what it's like to be, like, a healthy German partner or men in a healthy, committed relationship. Like, he's just, like you said, really hard shell, super masculine, rides his motorbikes, has, like all these garden shed tools, whatever, is always working on something, always covered in oil and everything. The biggest softy, the biggest golden retriever for my mom, would do anything for her, you know, like the most beautiful. That's divine masculinity. Because anybody can sit on motorbike and be loud and yell and, you know, whatever and go to war for you, but it's also about being in touch with your emotions, you know, like, and wanting to serve you as a man. Like, wanting to be in that masculine energy and, like, attending to a woman's needs. It doesn't make you weak to every now and then compromise and push your ego aside and be like, no, no, no, no. I love to do that for you. And you know what? There's one memory that I have specifically when I was younger and I was like, maybe 8 years old or something, and we were sitting over the lunch table and we were just briefly talking, having like lunch and eating. And you looked at the front yard because we have lots of windows in the house. And my mom just briefly all of a sudden was like just this one tree in the front yard. It's just huge. Like it's just, you know, giving so much shade. It would be really nice to sit in the garden and maybe have a little bit more sun, right? And we were all just like, oh yeah, whatever, I kid you not. The next day I'm walking home from school, I hear this loud noise and I'm like, okay, what's going on? And I come around the house, my dead gloves, chainsaw helmet is standing in our front yard taking down this like 50 meter tree, no questions asked. And you know, I completely forgot about the conversation. I was just like, what are you doing? It's like a random Tuesday, 12pm, right? And he's like, well your mom said she wanted more shade. So I took the tree down, you know, and that doesn't make you weak as a man to attend to a woman's needs. And I think honestly the relationship between my mom and dad because you know, everyone's like the blackhead theory. Where did all derive from observing them? Like my mom's the biggest black catch even, you know, like she has like black hair and like darker makeup and everything, like sexy beautiful. And then my dad is like the cutest golden retriever, even though he looks super masculine, the biggest softy for her. So in a way that inspired me, you know, and set a very high standard for me also in dating and what I want from a future man. Because my dad just said the most amazing standard for me. So yeah, I just wanted to share that. It's cute, right?

Of course, I love it. So let's get into the, let's get into this theory a little bit. Yeah. Yes, it's black hat golden retriever theory and dating and relationships. Can you share with the listeners exactly what it is?

Yes. So I think it's a little bit over complicated sometimes at times because you know, it's a TikTok trend. And you see people also sharing their theories on it. Some people are like, there's also orange cats and then there's doberman men. I prefer them over the golden retriever because they're more sexy. And I'm like, okay girls, listen up. Yeah, Plain and simple, the blackhead is being chased and the golden retriever chases and both of them are happy in their role. The blackhead should be the woman because women like to be chased. They like to be pursued. Me, personally, I love it. You know, I love making heads turn. I love being, you know, having a man that wants me. And a man, just like I kind of explained with my dad, I truly believe, also loves chasing when he's truly in love with the woman. Again, it doesn't make you weak as a man to be golden retriever because you're so in love with the woman you're with that you want to go out of your way to make her further happy to chase and pursue her. Because that's the healthy masculine right to do things, to be more active, where the blackhead is a little bit more passive. So it's this dynamic between the two. And the reason I created this archetype was honestly just to break down this relationship dynamic in more simple terms, you know, and then you can also flip it on its head and say, well, if the golden retriever is the chaser in the relationship and the blackhead is the one being chased, unfortunately, there's also a lot of women that slip into the golden retriever role. You know, you can just flip it on its head the other way around just as much. And then they chase their men. And to me, and I've been working with hundreds of women, one on one, hearing so many stories of also heartbreak and everything. And it's usually because they're ending up in the golden retriever role, which I explained later where it comes from, because there's a deeper, deeper psychological meaning behind it. But, you know, they're. They're overcompensate. They feel like maybe they're not deserving of love. They need to do things to get attention and acceptance from their man and not even seeing. They're blind to the fact that he's the black cat, emotionally maybe unavailable or more passive in his wounded feminine energy, where he's expecting you to do things for him, which is very toxic, to be honest. And, you know, you're overcompensating. You can't see it because you're just doing so much for him. You're so caught up and always tailoring everything to his needs. If he's eaten well, if he slept well, you know, if he's had a busy, stressful day at work, he needs to have his favorite meal cooked on the dinner table ready, waiting for him. In the meanwhile, you know, you forget about yourself and you end up as a shell of a human, drained and miserable. And so basically, this is why I said, as a black cat, you are just happier and more confident, you know, and even though the tick tock and Internet realm likes to spin it and say, oh my God, this is toxic and sexist. And I've seen like some newspaper articles. I'm like, hold on, give me the mic. Yeah, today. So. But does that make sense?

Of course. One of the things I think is really important, especially if you're a smart and successful woman, is that you, you will find success in this partnership. Right. I think there are so many women that are looking for their clones and not necessarily their compliments, and that's where they go wrong. Like they're looking for, they're trying to be a black cat. Maybe they're not even a black cat yet. Right. And they're looking for someone that is just like them instead of finding someone that compliments them. So I'm glad that you're talking about this kind of chase and pursuing versus like allowing yourself to be there and to be pursued. Now some of the challenges that I think some women have is allowing themselves to feel safe while being pursued. Like an in true, like black cat mode. What do you say for those women that feel like this feels a little weaker or how do I find strength in my black cat? Dumb.

So do you mean they're almost avoidant? Do you mean that when they're so emotionally unavailable because they don't feel safe to recognize connections? Or do you mean they don't feel safe in, for example, accepting the chase? Is that what you mean? Yeah, yeah. Because maybe they're even emotionally unavailable themselves. Well, the thing is, I can deeply relate and I guess this is why I'm so passionate about it. Because it all comes back down to almost a lack of identity or, you know, self worth, if that makes sense. Because in the past I would date men that were healthy and I was a little unhealthy and they would give me things and do things for me and I would not want to accept these things, this, this commitment in even financial things in order wanted to give me money or certain gifts or whatever. They went out of their way to pursue me and chase me, which is healthy. But because I've come from a past where nothing was given to me. You know, when I moved overseas at 18 years old, I had like, I think $2,000 to my name. I spent everything then anyway, it's a long story. So I kind of had to go through life like this, you know, like boxing my way through life, always fighting. I felt weak accepting help because my ego, I was so trapped in my own mind. And my ego, well, I've done everything myself. I'VE been hyper independent. I could give everything myself. So why would surrender to amen? I'm not, you know, submissive like that. I'm so strong, and I didn't realize I'm actually keeping myself trapped from forming genuine connections with people that wanted the best for me. You know, when somebody gives something to you, whether that's love, emotional commitment, even materialistic things, attending to your needs, even if it's like, wait, let me hold the door open for you, right? You hyper independent, you know, getting the luggage out of the car and walking up 10 stairs, I can do that for you. If men offer that to you or anyone, to be honest, but especially men you're dating, let them, you know, let them. Because you're rejecting him in a way, too, because it's his love language again. It's very healthy green flags. Healthy, masculine. Let me attend your needs. Do you need help? No, no, no, no. I don't need this. You know, it's gonna feel like a little step in. In his heart, like, oh, okay, well, she doesn't need me here. I guess my role as the golden retriever, which is healthy, is not needed here. So I feel emasculated. I feel rejected. I'd rather withdraw and go to a woman that allows me to be the man and the night on the white horse. And, you know, and you also keep yourself trapped, not only from healthy connections, but it just is a very lonely road because, you know, this whole. No, I can do it all myself. Girl, I'm clapping for you. Of course you can do it yourself, but if somebody wants to help you, let them. You know, don't close yourself off from the world and become bitter like this. It's almost like having to make peace with your past and where you've come from and acknowledging that there was maybe a lot of unfairness and maybe privileges that others had that you hadn't, or people had a head start or, you know, whatever that looks like, but recognizing that, accepting to it, and then surrendering to it. Does it make sense to speak sometimes? In a lot of metaphors, of course.

No. And, you know, I think that this is also. Sometimes people feel like, oh, my God, if they give something to me, then I have to give them something back, and that's.

Oh, something. Yeah, you owe them something.

Yeah. So then I. Then I feel less in control and less in power. That's one thing that I seen. I've also seen. If my household was such that dad was always served or my brothers got privileges, then the model is that I am Supposed to golden retriever for these men instead of actual be in my queen energy. Right? Be in my black energy, Right?

Yes.

Other things that are also happening in this dynamic that I think is making it hard for women who really should be in their black cat aren't necessarily fully embodying it.

Effy 100 it comes, you know, even from childhood trauma, past experiences, or being less privileged that there's this inner belief system or narrative that you're not worthy of love. Maybe even, you know, that, that it's hard to earn love, that you always have to do things to get that validation, to get that recognition. Like in household situation, situation relationships or household scenarios where like you said, the brother always gets love the sister, but maybe you are forgotten about. So you always try to fight for attention and, and then you fall into these chronic people pleasing roles, which is also a little bit as a woman, not as a man, but as a woman. That golden retriever energy again. But I just want to say to everyone listening, you know, you don't owe anything, anyone. If somebody is going out of their way to give you something, and you know, you have the feeling because some people are still vicious and some men are maybe manipulative and some men are maybe going out of their way to give you something and manipulate you to get maybe physical intimacy or whatever. But then that is a bad man that has bad intentions, you know, period. That's a whole different thing. But if it's a healthy man that is going out of his way to give you something, no questions asked, you take it. There's something about you. It's a reflection, you know, whatever he's giving you, it's a reflection of how much he feels for you and how much he wants to attend to your needs and the beauty you bring into his life. So don't reject it because it belongs to you. But again, you need to differentiate. If you feel like, now this guy's shady and he's, you know, giving me money to whatever, I don't know if it's the sugar daddy role or something, then obviously, maybe, you know, be careful, but if something comes to you, it's meant for you. That's it.

I love, I love what you just said around. It belongs to you. I think having this mentality that like, no, all of these things that he's giving to you belongs to you, gives you a sense of entitlement so that you don't have this latent guilt that's inside of you that like, no, everything in this world, you gets to belong to you, if you want it. Right. And so men can be vessels for that. But I think two things are important here. One, the other thing that I think that many women don't understand in this sort of dynamic is.

That men actually fall in love with you more when they're doing things for you.

Oh, my God. I was just gonna say this. Yes.

And if you don't let them do things for you, they're never going to fall in love with you. And I think it's a really hard truth to understand. But, like, once you get that once, if you're a woman out there and you're saying, no, I want. I want to be in love. I want to love a man, and I want a man to love me, you will have to allow to do things for you. That's how his testosterone grows.

Dopamine.

Yeah. And that's how he bonds his vasopressin.

All of that. Yes.

Yeah.

Oxytocin, everything 100%. And also, you know, men, when they emotionally invest in you, financially invest in you, it's like he's literally claiming, not claiming. It sounds a bit toxic, but, you know, like, you're his. He wants to attend units even with money. Investing money into. It's an investment. So when he, I don't know, gives you money or even materialistic things, you're like, no, no, no, I'm not worthy of this. Again, you're rejecting him in that sense, you know, in his masculinity and, girl, freaking run with it. If he's giving you something, he's giving you money. That is like one of the biggest proofs as well, that mentally is into you because he will see you as an investment. The blackhead, the woman on the pedestal, you know, his biggest investment and project that he wants to nurture and give love to. And one of the biggest resources men proved that, I guess, is also money. You know, all materialistic things. And again, it's not about the sum or the amount, but just providing, you know. So, yeah, we're on the same page.

Let's talk a little bit about how to figure out if a guy is in, like, a true golden retriever or not. Because, you know, some of these guys are playing games. Some of these guys are trying to be manipulative. So are there ways for us to figure out is he a true golden retriever or is he just playing as one?

Yes. Get my sense. True golden retriever is committed to building certain pillars in your life, okay. As a woman. So he wants to look after you emotionally, mentally, financially, and Physically, these are four pillars that every woman. And this is something I speak in very much depth about in my coaching because it's all about you as a woman, loving yourself and rebuilding your life. First, you need to have these pillars established. Regardless of a man in your life or not. You have to be independent or somewhat self sufficient, emotionally, mentally, financially, physically. Right? So then when a man comes into your life, he can still serve these pillars and commit to you in these pillars. But then also if he leaves and you still want to remain the black cat and he's a golden retriever, your life doesn't crumble because you had this foundation of your own life. Pillars where your whole life sort of sits on already built yourself. Right? So not to flip it, flip it on its head. Okay? What makes a man a true loyal golden retriever? He's happily attending to these needs and desires. So he's financially committing, right? He's, you know, maybe paying for rent and taking on to dinner dates. Never lets you split the bills. Obviously. Again, I can't make examples to a huge audience listening because everybody's different and.

Yeah, just different examples. So that's financial.

What about like emotionally, he will affirm it verbally. But also men are not too verbal, I guess psychologically, biologically, like women are. So some men have the love language of constantly telling you I love are you so beautiful, da da da. But you can also, you know, even by text messages calling, like he wants to still speak with you, he wants to verbally be in touch, right? That's like that mental connection of like updating you while he's maybe out with the boys or checking in with you on the way home from work. Just verbally committing to you because he's thinking of you mentally. So that's like that mental pillar also mentally. For example, thinking of planning a weekend activity, taking you out to date nights, you know, stuff like that where he's, you're playing tricks on his mind. A blackhead knows how to mentally stimulate a man so he will forever attend to her needs. Right? Because the less you do know, the more you do for a man, the less he's going to do for you. The more passive you become as a woman and the less you check in with him. Hey baby, how was work? Or you must be so hungry, you're so stressed, baby, don't worry, I've got you a four course meal cooked ready, waiting for you.

You.

The less you're going to do that, the more he drives home and thinks, man, I had a stressful day at Work. But I want to speak to my beautiful wife and I can't wait to see her. I better call her and see what she's doing. You know, that's like that mental pillar or emotional as well. It kind of falls into two categories. But I also say to a lot of my clients and also to all of you listening honestly, take mental notes when you're with a man, on micro expressions and also like daily life interactions, if he respects you, if he respects your boundaries, if you share, for example, successes with him, does his face light up and does he support you or does he secretly envy you and talk down on you?

He's going to talk about that because he. He's got to be a cheerleader.

He's got to be a cheerleader 100%. He's. He knows you're the woman on the pedestal, but he does not envy you. He's actually, in fact, proud to be on your side as a lawyer on which you were chasing you, because he knows, girl, you're the biggest catch, but he landed you. So whenever he's out with you in public, he loves throwing you off. You know, like, there is no envy. There is no jealousy. There's no talking down on you. There is no.

It's adoration. Right? He adores you, right?

Yes, yes. But I think a way to measure it is because maybe this is my German way of coaching and looking at life, but I like to break it down into these pillars and categorizing things. And this is how my mind works. So, you know, of course it's about the. Him chasing and attending to your needs. But if you break it down and would categorize it, it comes really back down to these lives, essential pillars. He is so happy to grow and nurture you emotionally, financially, physically, and mentally. Right? And that comes out in the way he talks to you, the way he respects your boundaries, everything. And he just adores him, is your biggest fan. That's it. And he's loyal, like, no questions asked.

You know, talk to us about physically. What does that mean?

Or look like he likes your presence, girl, let me tell you, like, there is men that. And I hear these stories and you probably do, too. They don't want to. They don't want to touch you. They want to be in your presence. They don't want to sleep with you. Maybe they actually physically happy to get away from you. So physically intimacy, that physical commitment, that physical connection, he's okay. Or actually happy. Not just okay, sorry, happy to show up for you. That way he's Also happy to pleasure you. I don't know if this is pj.

We say it all, you know, holding.

Back, but, yeah, he's happy to pleasure you, attend to your even sexual, physical needs. Not like, oh, no, I've got a headache. You know, this is when, you know, the roles are reversed. When a man is like, nah, I'm not in the mood. Okay, hold on. What's going on? You know, there's something that ends ain't healthy in this relationship dynamic. And a lot of times when and I have clients that have problems like this, you know, it's okay. We've been there. Like, we know, we know what that's like. But usually it is not because the woman isn't attractive anymore or not sexy. Like, I've seen the most gorgeous woman and they tell me stories, but it's all about this mental dynamic again, you know, that. That dynamic of the chase, the spark and desire and everything. And that is so much more in the mind of a man, I believe, than physically, right? So I think women, when they are the golden retriever, they actually diffuse the chase. And it's such a paradox because as we spoke about earlier, women want to chase their men and attend to his needs because that's how they think they are in love. In reality, they push him away further because, girl, let your man breathe. The more you call him and text him and anxiously wait at 3am till he comes home from the pub with the boys, you know, unless he wants to attend to your needs. And again, that is emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially because you are filling that role. You're almost, you know, slipping into his part of the relationship. So this is why I also say you can always reveal a man's true intentions with you. The moment you start doing less, the moment you pull back and just think, you know what? I'm not going to lift a single finger anymore. This man, all of a sudden is not as comfortable anymore. You're not making it super convenient. You're not the personal assistant or the house doctor or the mother that always, you know, is around him, serving him. All of a sudden, he is literally forced to step up his game because you're pulling the rug underneath his feet, changing your actions, and he goes, oh, my God. And here's the thing. If he truly loves you, wow, he's gonna feel, you know, lucky and excited because that mystery, that whole, okay, where is she? Why she not calling? What's going on? Why is she all of a sudden in bed at 3am When I come home and not waiting for me. And why is she not cooking for me and sitting with take out in a hair mask on a glass of champagne, watching Netflix. Ooh. Okay, what's going. What's that shift in energy? It doesn't make you a bad person. It actually makes it quite interesting. A man that is a black cat or someone that isn't fully into you, if you all of a sudden start doing less, he's going to become grumpy, he's going to become frustrated. Why? Because he was never there to attend to your needs. He was there because you made it comfortable.

He wanted to have his own needs attended to. And.

Yes. So he's the feminine.

Yeah, well, we try to. In my program, we try to start with that energy. Right. So that you're already repelling kind of more dominant, feminine, energetic men. Right. And also the men that are kind of hyper and toxic, masculine energetic, because there's a lot of those out there too, that kind of just want to have their way without this level of prioritization for the black cat. Or in our program, we call it queen. Right. So, yeah, this is so interesting. So I have to ask you a question, and maybe you get asked this a lot, but I did a video about black hats and golden retriever theory, and so many people were saying, well, where do I find a golden retriever? So I ask you, where do they find.

Okay, there is no pot of gold of golden retrievers. There is no location where you're like, all about. The tree wasn't mingling here. Girl, I can tell you the world is full of golden retrievers. But again, it all comes back down to you. First you have to transform yourself and again, back to these pillars. Even though I do not sound like a high school teacher.

No, we love. We love it. We love. We love. A good lesson over here, girl.

Okay. Okay. So, you know, you have to build your own life. You have to become happy and radiant and confident. And you can probably tell I'm so passionate about this because I had to completely reinvent myself, too. Like, I was like the phoenix rising from the ashes. I can even, like, send you photos for the video podcast or, you know, another time. Because literally, even physically, you transform. You know, when you fall in love with yourself as a woman. And every woman should feel that way in their life. Because it's. The key is not to find the perfect man to then be happy. Be happy, be self sufficient, and then find the perfect man or attract the perfect man. Right. So when you are self sufficient, emotionally, there's emotional supremacy that's actually principle one of blackhead energy. You want to be emotionally so independent that it's almost supremal. Is that the right English word? You know that you're self reliant in your emotions. You're not projecting onto your man or a potential dating partner or maybe even your husband in marriage, when you're anxious or unhappy that you to leash out on him or make him responsible for it. You can always, as a black catwoman, regardless of which state is in a relationship, handle your own emotions right then. Also, financially, a blackhead woman knows she would never even give up her paycheck because it gives herself sufficiency and also purpose and a job and she could walk away from a man if she needed to. That makes her the black cat mentally. She doesn't sit at home being anxious and everything when he doesn't text or when, when she doesn't hear from him or even when she's single where she's like, oh my God, I'm so unhappy. Need to scroll on dating apps and find a man. No. Her life is so exciting. She's mentally constantly thinking about how can I further improve and self develop and read books and you know, all these things. So once you've built yourself as a woman and become the black cat, no questions asked, you're going to will be coming into your life attracted to you because all of a sudden you've put yourself on the pedestal and you raised your own standards that without even you having to verbally communicate a girl the moment you walk into a room. Your energy, you know, speaks for itself because, you know, you're the shit. I'm sorry, but it just gives you that confidence of knowing I don't need a man and not in that unhealthy way that I spoke about earlier where it's hyper independent and boxing my way through life. But I love myself, you know. And now a golden retriever or a man that wants to still attend to my needs is actually a positive byproduct. But I don't need him. And that makes want him.

But we don't need him. We don't, we don't need men. There's a huge difference between the two.

No way. I love you. I love this. We don't need men.

No, no, it's true. Right?

I agree.

You can want one and it can be additive to your life. But I love this. I love the point that you make about being happy first. And I try to share this very often and it is this happy people get into healthy relationships and happy marriages. If you choose to get married, not unhappy. And there are a lot of women out there that are unhappy, that are looking for a man to create their happiness and, or save them from their own lives, right? And like, no, girl, it's your job, job to do that. You have to be the hero in your life. Can't wait for some man to make your life better. If you are taking care of everybody in your life, it's not going to stop just because a man comes in. You actually have to set the boundaries and create the life that you want to live to your earlier point. And I think it's such a great, great, great lesson that so many people, I think it'll be helpful for them as they navigate this, right? That like, girl, he can't be the be all, end all. He has to be the cherry, but you're the full dessert.

You know, I 100 agree. He needs to be like a positive byproduct then maybe even. And this is maybe triggering to some people. But of course, if you overcompensate an energy, it will affect your looks because all of a sudden you're gonna run around the house in sexy lingerie and high heels and, you know, your red wine in your hand because you've got stuff to do. And all of a sudden after this, you know different areas where women tend to overcompensate a little bit, where they put themselves second and him first. And then when this man leaves, of course your life crumbles. And I've seen women and I, I coach them and they cry and pull their heart and I say, oh my God, I feel like my entire life is crumbling. I'm starting from day one again because this man was everything for me. I've done anything for him. I've put my life second. So of course there's a way to go about this and coach them out of this and rebuild it and always say it's not square one, of course, but at the same time, for anybody listening, I just want you to know that you need to rebuild your or build your life yourself, right? So then when something like this happens, he decides to run away with the secretary or the neighbor next door or whatever it is. Your life doesn't crumble. Your life doesn't fully fall apart. And there is a lot of danger in being this traditional wife, staying at home, being in my feminine and silk dresses and letting my hair down and just, you know, collecting eggs and playing with the children. Because if you're not smart about it and you don't know what Assets your man has, you know, how much money he makes drawing bank accounts. There's a lot of ways men hide this because it don't gives them financial, mental, emotional, again, physical leverage, you know. So again, these pillars need to be built in your life, yourself and be needing to be self sufficient. So when he cheats on you, walks out the door, your life is very stable still. And then that superficial layer of sadness is a whole different topic. Of course. Oh my God. You got to process that stuff, you know? But see, there's a big difference, right? Yeah, you're not so dependent on him, your life's happiness and whole existence. So I guess that's a big difference between the two. Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. Good. So maybe we can talk about some celebrity couples that are examples of black cats and golden retrievers. I saw that you said that Rihanna and A$AP Rocky are the, are the.

I love them.

Yeah.

Okay, listen, Rihanna, first of all, I freaking love this woman. I'm probably 80% straight this girl and 20% lesbo. Hello, Rihanna. Yes. But honestly, even like, even when I was young, like I always listened to her music, her aura, her energy. Before she met A$AP, she, she's always been the black cat, you know, it's not like she always sun transformed. There was something about her. She, she was smart to also again rebuild her life in all these different areas. She was successful, she's making her own money. On top of that, she's dropped that gorgeous. She's like smart everything, Right. And there was a lot of men chasing her if you think about it back in the day. Yeah.

What other celebrity couples are good examples of black cat and golden retriever?

So Zendaya and Tom Holland, I love them. She was with somebody, I think Jacob Elordi and I don't know too much about them itself. I couldn't really pinpoint who, who's who in the, in the commentary blackhead dynamic. I just think she wasn't really happy there. I think Zendaya is also very powerful woman. Smart, beautiful, successful, hairs on money. Again, built her own life, built her own pillars, and now she has a man that attends to her needs and wants to happily serve her. Like even when you see them in interviews, sitting together, she says something funny. Tom is like giggling and laughing, like looking at her. And that's what I mean by you can see a man's love in his micro expressions, ladies, the moment you start doing less and observing again, even in micro expressions, the way he looks at you, flirts with you, you can see and Feel his love for you and he's not afraid to show it. Like, Tom is also always holding her. Like there's interviews, like on the red carpet. Is this Zendaya walking in? Sorry, I gotta go. You know, my queen is here and he's like leaving interviews behind just to like run over and take photos with her. So love them. Also love them both as people. Again, I don't know them, but yeah, love their work. Great actors, I would also say like.

Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, I don't know. But like, he's always. He always was like front row at her tennis matches and always supporting her. And like every time they're out, it's always about, you know, Serena and the daughter. It's less about him. Like he's playing like kind of background. So I feel like that is also a couple. And then, yes, Meghan Markle and.

Oh, yes, I've shown them before. Yeah, I've done an analysis on them on my tick tock 100. He's like, yeah, total Golden Retriever for her Die Hard fan again, also supporter, you know.

Yeah.

Then also I've got. I've got a little list here because, you know, I'm working on a few more analysis in the future as well. My take, anybody watching? If you want to see. I've also given examples previously of people that weren't like. And golden retriever, it was the other way around. The really famous one for this is Vanessa Hudgens, that was with Austin Butler. They were together for 10 years, but never got engaged or married. And he was smaller than her. Again, he couldn't really attend to her emotional, physical, financial and mental needs because he had less resources in that way. In that sense, it was a success. You know, maybe financial or mental, where he. He lacked. And she had more. She was at High School Musical at the time when they met. You know, she had all this huge, huge platform, success, fame, popularity. And he kind of came then in her life and they were together for 10 years, but he never made that next step of commitment. Lived happily in her shadow. And then all of a sudden she was the one telling him, you should go and do Elvis. You know, like, you would be great at this. She pushed him into it. She not forced, but like nurtured him and sort of encouraged him. And she became almost a Golden Retriever, supporting him and building this man for another woman. Quite literally. You know, this is also a big, big thing about Golden Retrieval woman. You all of a sudden are starting to build a man for another woman because you're slipping into that mothering, nurturing role of almost compensation and almost making him this beautiful, perfect man that you envision. But the moment he becomes that, he's literally going to leave for somebody who never even lifted a single finger for him. Because men don't appreciate women who do so much for them. Like, men need to do the doing part as a woman, stay passive. And so she encouraged him. He got the role in Elvis. And then you can see his even whole. How to say in English, like, his looks changed, the jet black hair. And all of a sudden he went from like this golden little boy that was happy in the back background of Vanessa to this superstar and like almost A or B list celebrity. And then they broke up and he started dating Kaya Gerber after only two months, you know, and apparently there's also rumors that they're engaged now. And so I think a lot of women can relate to that because they're like, oh, my God. But why is it that some women are with a man for 20 years, 10 years are the placeholder, and then another man comes along and snaps her up like this. But it's because they are so comfortable with you. You know, I think a lot of men, they don't have the ball sometimes to break up with a woman, even though they're not fully into her. Right. But it's comfortable and convenient and there's a woman to go on a tree, but it always attends to his needs, so how convenient. Of course he's not going to break up with you, but the moment another woman that he finds more feminine or more attractive, and the moment he's rebuilt his resources from all the energy you've given him, getting him a skincare routine, glowing him up, putting together a new wardrobe, he will jump shape. Right.

I'm so glad that you're mentioning. I think a lot of women think that they have to audition to be a girlfriend or a wife. So they're doing these things and they don't understand that you're doing this for some other woman.

Oh, my God.

Not building it for yourself. That's not your job. It's his job to build. So we have to be actually engaging and interacting with men that are already built. I got a lot of shit online for saying that, but it is 100% true.

I love how you and me are literally in the firing line for speaking fair sex. I'm sorry, ladies, but you know why?

Because a lot of people want to keep women disempowered. And men have a lot of incentive to have Women continue to think that the way that they've always thought or have been programmed or conditioned to think that they should continue to stay that way. And the world is different, gender dynamics are different, Dating is different, technology is different, Opportunity and agency is different. So it is. And like, if you want to continue to live in the 1950s, go ahead, girl, but you're going to get screwed.

100. Yes, the narrative has completely changed this whole. We need to be the good wife. Do you know what I like to say? Instead of chasing to be the idea of a good partner, the perfect wife, chase your own happiness and become the happy wife. You know, be happy, be independent. Just be your own person. Don't give yourself up. And you know what? What's another good topic to speak about? A lot of women start off as the blackhead, right? And you've seen this probably with your clients as well, and your followers. They start off the queen on the pedestal, right? But then they fall in love. And maybe this man is actually really chasing them right in the beginning, taking. Taking them out and everything. And maybe they're not emotionally available. You as a woman, because you still hung up on your ex, or you're too busy with work or you do whatever, so you're like, oh, no, I don't know. Then he's playing the game. He knows what to do. You all of a sudden fall in love. This could be over the course of, I don't know, maybe even half a year or maybe even the year. Sometimes it takes longer. And then you fully end up in this crazy, messy emotional entanglement where you're like, oh, my God, I just love him so much. He won me over or something, you know, and your dynamic changes where you let your guard down a little bit too much. And it's not about letting you guard down that you all of a sudden allow genuine connection into your life. But you almost lower your standards.

You have boundaries. You still don't hear the things and expect the things that were happening before.

So, yeah, you forgiving, you know, and in the beginning, we cut throat, we focus more on ourselves. And that's all that comes back down to, if you truly think about it, focusing on him or focusing on yourself. And a blackhead always focuses on herself, right? And a black cat is also not scared to be inconvenient. So if we flip this whole narrative we spoke about from the 1950s, 1950s on its head, this whole we need to be the good wife that always cooks and loves. A man's love is found through his tummy it's actually her attending now to her own needs. You know, like also cooking for herself, being inconvenient, Being like, sorry, babe, I know you had a long day at work, but actually I've been starving and I just want to watch Sex in the City, put on a face mask. And I've ordered pizza from next door. There's one piece still left. There's also something in the freezer. Do you mind describing that? Also a man, to be honest, who loves you. Sure, no worries. I'll go do that.

Yeah, they don't care. And we're just like, oh, no, I can't do that. Oh my God, he's going on a business trip. I better put his laundry into the washing and pack his bags. Girl, if he wants to go on a five day business trip with two freaking pants or one pair of socks, let him, Let him figure it out.

Let him solve it. Let him solve it. Yes, you know how to solve it for him. And the men that want you to solve those things for, for them, they're. They're little boys, they're looking for mothers. They're not looking for a partner. I think it's so important to say that, that, like, I think it's like, oh, my God, no, but I should be doing these things for, for these guys. And unfortunately, and in households of color. Right. That is actually something that is taught for a lot of girls, but because that's what they had to do for their, you know, our four mothers and four grandmothers and had to do for their husbands and partners. But again, we get to do it differently in 2024 and beyond.

Yes.

Awesome, awesome, awesome. So thank you so much for sharing all of your theory around black cat golden retriever dynamics. I think it is so important, especially for women of color to kind of gravitate toward this because it's very different than what most have been taught. For people that want to learn more about this, that want to work with you, that want to really step into that black cat energy and just complete status, how can they get in touch with you?

So first of all, before I even advertise about myself here, thank you so much for having me. Also thank you to the whole community, everyone listening, everyone watching. It's been an absolute, absolute honor. Now if somebody is interested in either finding out more about me or maybe you're new here, you've never seen or heard about me, but you know, want to get in touch, you can either find on my TikTok, which is a double N, A K R, S T N A. There is a link in my bio which is my website. It would be too complicated to spell this out now, but click the link in my bio on my official TikTok account. And there's my website with all my different courses you can learn about how to make him chase you, how to become the black cat, how to reinvent yourself. And I also offer one on one coaching. And I have a brand new podcast which I'm gonna probably invite you on as well.

Would love to be honest.

It is a Spotify exclusive and it's called Be Smart, Play dumb like a Cat. Always take mental notes and you know, lean back, be passive and just observe.

And you always be yes. And we're gonna have all of those links in the show notes, so.

Okay, cool.

Ladies, get into these show notes because when I tell you this is it, this is the cheat code, get into it. I mean it. Awesome. Anna, Christina, thank you so much.

It's been so glucose as to hear best on filling. Dan, thank you so much.

Dan. Kishun, I talk to you soon. Take care.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Of course. Bye, ladies.

Bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.