Choosing vs. Being Chosen - Tuesday Tea 9-28

Hello, hello, hello, hello. I hope everyone is doing well tonight. Happy Tuesday tea. I hope you have your tea with you as we get down and dirty and talk about all things love, dating men and relationships. My name is Anwar White. I am the CEO and founder of get your guy coaching. I'm so happy to be here with you tonight. Hey, Erica, how are you, girl? Hey, Jenna Marie. It's so good to be chatting with you all tonight. I am so happy to talk my ish with you like I generally like to do on Tuesday teas. We have these twice a month, so bi weekly so that we can, you know, get answers to the questions that you have around your love and dating life. Okay. For those that are not super familiar with me, I am a dating and relationship coach and I help women meet and date high quality men so that they can get in amazing relationships. And for most of my clients, you know, get married. That's what they want to do ultimately.

So. Hello, Erica. Hello, Pam. Hello you all. It's so good to chat with you on see you all. I hope everyone is doing well today.

Yeah. So for any of you that don't know, yes, it's chilly. It is the first real day of Montreal. It's like it was in the 50s this morning and 60s today. I was miserable in my bed. I couldn't take it. I'm a California boy and I need California things. Yes, I am. I'm bundled up, y'. All. I want this to be a really intimate time together.

Yes, I see y' all are already coming for me. Okay. I see what we're doing tonight. I see what we're doing tonight.

Yes, I'm bundled. Yes, I'm getting ready for cuffing season. You know that time in which you find somebody to stay warm with. I hope y' all are doing the same exact thing.

But on a more serious note, I am.

Helping tons of women, like, completely reinvent how they approach dating and relationships and love and boundaries and confidence and vulnerability. And it's so exciting to be doing this work. And so I'm coming to you tonight because I wanted to talk about.

Choosing versus being chosen. And yesterday I was on a consultation with a young woman who grew up in California. I grew up in California as well. And for those people that don't know, California is a hard place to grow up in when you are.

Basically looking for social validation and approval as a person of color. I'm sure it's the case everywhere. Right. But what she was telling me, which I think is so important for so many, especially Black women out there. Is that in school? Right. Elementary school, junior high, high school, and even college. Our love lives often become really stunted and even our social interactions and relationships because we do not have that experience. Experience, Right. You know, she was saying things like, you know, they were not checking for me. I was not someone who people were actually wanting to go out with or ask me out to the dance or to the prom or things like that. Please let me know if that was kind of your experience at all. At all. Because it's such a common experience, especially for women of color, to kind of go through and.

Really think of themselves in this very limited way when it comes to love and relationships. Right. Why am I bringing this up? I'm bringing this up because when that happens it creates your belief about love and dating and relationships. And if you're not getting asked out then you think that your past is indicative of what your present or future will hold. Right. And so you know, in my head, if I'm not getting asked out, if I don't, if I haven't had significant long term relationships, if I haven't dated a lot in my head and so many other, the way that other people are thinking about this that they can feel like it's never going to happen for me so why should I even try, right? It hasn't happened before so it probably won't happen now or in the future. Let me know if that's a thought that you all might be having or you can DM me and let me know later. My DMs are super flooded these days and I answer each and every one of them. But this is important because I want to let you know that your past doesn't actually dictate what the future or even the present of your love life, that your past is simply your past. It's not like because these little boys did not pick you or choose you to hang out with, to go out with, to dance with, all of those things that grown ass men won't choose you, right? We're talking about two very different people. We're also talking about two very different you's, right? The little girl and the grown ass woman. Right. And why am I differentiating these two? Because the situations are so different, right? Little boy, you as little girl, grown ass woman, you and these grown ass men that have had a ton of different experiences. Experiences. And especially for those men that are actually ready to be in a relationship and want to get to know you, it's going to be a different sort of experience. Am I Saying every man is ready. No. Probably 90% of the men are not ready to settle down, and that's okay, too. But it's important for you to realize that. And this is also what I find the case with interracial relationships as well. A lot of my clients are black women, and they feel like, oh, because the white boys didn't want to ask me out and go out with me, that white men will not be interested in me. And that couldn't be farther from the truth. I would say half of my clients are with non black men. Half of my clients are with black men, and they are surprised when I teach them how to date online. And a lot of the men that are coming through what I call my funnel actually are white men. And that's okay, too. I'm focused on getting my clients love. I don't care what color it comes in, what shape, size, personality, whatever that is. I want to make sure that you're getting love and the love that you deserve and the love that we all need as human beings, right?

I want you all to not wait to be chosen. Because if you do wait, you will be waiting for a long time. Not just because guys aren't approaching women in real life as much as they used to, but because this is about how you are viewing life. If you're waiting to be chosen, instead of doing the choosing, you have already abdicated all of your power, right? Which means that really, you have no control over anything. So anyone and anything can do anything that they want with you. That's not what we're here to do. We're in 2021. We're not in 1951. Right? You have so much more power than any of our ancestors had. Our mothers, our grandmothers, who coupled with men to survive. But you have agency and you have power to actually thrive in this world. And you all are probably already thriving, right? But I think that sometimes, because of how we are raised by our mothers and grandmothers, we're still in this mentality that we have to be chosen, and then we have to hold on tight to some guy, because that's what they did. That's what they had to do to survive, right? We're in a very different situation, and I want us to be super clear about that, that you actually have the power to choose who you want to be with instead of being chosen. There's a certain allure to wanting to be chosen, right? Wanting to have the spotlight on you, wanting to feel validated and valued and seen and heard and understood. Because maybe when we were growing up, we didn't feel that way by our parents, by our guardians, by our schools, by our careers, by those little boys that didn't want to ask you out. Right.

There sometimes is this desire to want to be chosen. What I'm telling you is I don't want you to ignore that desire, but I do want you to know that you. You can choose yourself.

Instead of waiting for external people, entities to choose you, that you can actually choose yourself and go after the things that you want and create the things that you want. And that includes your love life, your dating life, your relationship with men and love, all of that, it's all within your grasp, but you have to make the decision to do so, right? Yes, you can choose yourself. Choosing yourself is the most powerful thing that you can do right now in 2021. It means choose your fun, choose your joy, choose your happiness, right? And what you want. That also means being 100% real with yourself if you want something. I talk to women all the time, and some of them are like, I'm happy by myself when I know and y' all know that they would rather have somebody with them.

Choose yourself. Choose the things that you want. Choose the things that you need. Choose the things that are gonna make you happy. Be a hundred percent real with yourself. What does choosing yourself look like? Choosing yourself looks like I'm gonna be a hundred percent honest with myself about the things that I want and the things that I need.

Choosing yourself means I'm going to set specific boundaries about how I want people to treat me. Right? I don't care if they're family or friends that I've had for the rest, for all of my life. I'm going to be very clear with how I want to be treated moving forward. And if those individuals can't do that for me, I'm out.

Right? You can choose yourself. You've always been able to choose yourself. And when you choose yourself, you can also choose other people. Right? The thing that's really important with choosing yourself, though, is understanding that to choose yourself, you have to accept yourself.

To choose yourself, you have to accept yourself, all parts of yourself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And a lot part of my work is helping women learn how to love all of themselves and accept all of themselves. Even the parts that you're ashamed of, the parts that are tender, the parts that are sensitive, the parts that you have been avoiding, the parts that you neglect or ignore.

You have to be able to accept, accept and embrace all of those things. Right? That is what is super important here? Because when you can accept yourself, you can accept someone else wholeheartedly. It isn't until you actually accept all of yourself that you can accept another person. And the foundation of relationships and connection is full acceptance, right?

So let me just repeat. I want us to be choosing ourselves first and foremost. And to do that, we have to accept ourselves, which means we have to give ourselves grace. We have to be patient. One little mind hack that I do with myself and my clients is because oftentimes, if you're high performing, high achieving, smart, successful woman, especially women of color, you were motivated by trying to prove yourself to make them eat it, right? Your success.

And sometimes our parents were really hard driving, right? Do this, get an A. Go to this school. You got to get. You have to be super. They're super critical. You have to have the best education, the best grades, you have to perform the best in sports, right?

Accepting yourself is not motivating yourself in that way. Accepting yourself is all about.

Being okay with the best that you can do.

Not satisfy, but being okay with it, right? Being able to say, I tried my best, I can continue to learn, but I tried my best and I'm okay with that, right?

Oftentimes, one of the things that really prevents a lot of my clients from, and a lot of other women as well, from finding amazing relationships is that there's a disconnect between them and men. And the reason that that's the case is because there's a lot of judgment happening when it comes to connecting with another person, right? That oftentimes a lot of the women that I'm working with or the women that I talk to, they get paid. Their career is based on making judgments, right? Saying, this is good, this isn't good, this is good, this isn't good. And they bring that over to relationships. And it doesn't even have to be the verbal. It can also be the energy, right? There's a judgmental energy that comes about as well, which is really important to understand that even if you're not saying it, the way that you're cocking your head, the way that you're moving your body, the way that you say things, your tone, all of those things, even if your words are super nice, men are intuitive as well. And they can sense when you're judging them. And when you're judging a man, you're not connecting with him. And if you're not connecting with him, he's gonna step away and find someone else that can make him feel good. Oh, someone's Saying in the comments, he's talking to us.

Yeah, Right. But here's the thing. When you are trained to judge and you get paid for it, and you make an amazing career out of having amazing judgment.

Of course that's what you're going to use because it's been so successful for you. Right? It's the thing that has kept you safe this entire time. But what I'm here to offer to you is that to be successful in this love game, we have to let that go. That actually everything has to be accepted because you can't control another human being. They get to do whatever the hell they want to do, and you get to do whatever the hell that you want to do. Your job in dating, in relationship is just to accept the other person. Accept them for how they want to show up. Does it mean accept their treatment to you? No. Especially if that treatment is bad. Right. It means sitting back and being able to observe who they are and how they show up and how they want to show up. Right. If it affects you, that's when we set our boundaries. But your job is not to say, oh, he didn't ask me out tonight. And so he's a bad guy and he's not showing up. Right.

And I'm not going to deal with him anymore because he's not making me the priority.

We get to accept how he's showing up, his pace, how he wants to progress in the courtship and dating phase. Right. That's what we're here to do. Now, if something's not kosher with you, we can speak up and communicate in a way that is actually going to be heard and understood. Instead of judgment, you're not doing this. We. Which for a man means, oh, I'm not good enough. Men are very sensitive. So any sort of criticism.

Totally just clocked out. Right? So I do not want us to be waiting to be chosen. I want us to be doing the choosing. But first we have to choose ourselves. That means giving ourselves grace. It also means being gentle with ourselves. I was going to tell you about a mind hack and I went on another tangent. Mind hack. When something doesn't go perfectly. Because I know I have a few perfectionists in the crowd here. If you're a perfectionist, please call yourselves out.

I want you to notice how you're talking to yourself. And I want to know, would you talk to your best friend that way? How would you talk to your best friend if she was in the same situation?

Would you be like, girl, you should have. You should have known. You should have known how to done that. That was so idiotic. That was foolish. Like, you're wasting your own time. You're so much better than that. You probably wouldn't talk to her that way. Right? You would be gentle, you would be loving, you would be supportive, motivational, inspirational.

That is how I want you to be talking to yourself. Right. So if you have to give yourself a pep talk and call you your own best friend. Okay, Best friend. You got this, girl. You're about to do this. You're about to work it out. Let's do this. I know this was a setback, but you've had setbacks before and you've overcome them. And you are amazing. Right? That is how I want you to be talking to yourself when it comes to this stuff, these things that happen in life. Because if you can talk to yourself like that, you will be talking to your partner like that. We can't wait until we're in the game to actually show up that way. We have to be actually doing the reps in the practices. Right?

Yeah. I'm saying I'm hearing it's hard to change that voice. I know. I know it's hard. But it's important to also realize where that voice is coming from. Right. And what I know in doing this work for so long is that voice is generally not our own.

That voice generally comes from either society and the programming that goes on there. But most of the time, our parents, right?

If you have an overly critical mom, that's probably her voice in your head. If you got a not so safe dad who wants you to perform for his love, then that's his voice. So when you hear that voice, I want you to personify that. Whose voice is that? Because sometimes we just make it our own and it makes us feel even shittier about ourselves. Instead, I want you to say, oh, that's my crazy dad talking. I can't believe his ass. Right? Like, I'm not even going to give it any time. So let me know whose voice you have in your head in the comments.

Yeah.

Good, good, good, good, good, good. Okay, so we talked about choosing and not being chosen. How are we feeling? Are we ready to do some choosing instead of sitting back and waiting to be chosen? Please let me know in the comments how we're feeling about that. Are we ready to rock and roll? Are we ready to do what must be done?

Yes, narc father. Exactly right. That's where that voice is coming from. So now you know. And now you know not to believe it. Right?

And now we get to actually create our own voice by talking to ourselves like we are our own best friend. Like we are choosing ourselves.

I love it. I see a lot of women ready to do the choosing. Let's get it, girls. Let's get it. Ready for that. Good, good, good, good, good, good. Okay, now what I want to do is just let anyone know that if they are ready to do the choosing, I'm here to help them. I'm here to help you date like the queens that you are. I have my one on one opportunities still open for the month of October. And then in November, I am starting a group program which is going to be so amazing. You can DM me if that's something that you're interested in. I know that there are still women that are very much.

Private with their shit and I respect that. So that's why the one on ones are still going to be open. But for those women that actually love to be in community and share with sisters and sisterhood, I want to offer that I will be starting an amazing group program in November where we will be coming together every week to talk about something new to help you get progress to your love goals. The amazing thing about this program is that it will be the last dating and relationship program that you will ever need. Meaning that you will continue to be in this program until you get your guy. The name of the program is called get your guy and. And you will stay in the program until you get your guy. You will always have support. It's a no brainer. I am like, I'm creating new and different modules for this program and it is going to be the best in the industry, especially if you're a woman of color, which is really the focus. I really work primarily with women of color, specifically black women, because. Because black women have specific needs and challenges that other women do not have. Right. And there are generational pathologies that sometimes can hinder black women from achieving their love goals. And so my intention and the focus of my work is making sure that we're overcoming that. This is the generation to do all of that. So I want to help you do that. If that's something that you're interested in, please, you can DM me or you can book a free consultation call at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply. Okay, I'm holding a wait list right now. To be honest with you. I'm only going to have my group program for November for only 10 spots. So. So because I want it to be a more intimate experience starting off. And then in 2022, I'm gonna, as they say, as the kids say, bust it wide open.

Alrighty. Good, good, good, good, good. Okay, now what I want to do now is I want to open it up for. I'm just waving to all these people on Instagram. I want to open everything up. Any questions that you may have for me about your dating life, love life, your relationship with men, dating, relationships, love, all of that. So lay your questions on me. I am here to help, to serve. I am going to stay on maybe for another 10 or 15 minutes to answer some of these questions that you all might have. We can have some fun. We can kiki a little bit and go from there. Okay. Yeah. Let me know what's going on in your love life. Do you have a love life or are you hesitating? Are you waiting until you, quote, unquote, get your life together before you're out and meeting people and dating? Because I have a lot of people that are doing that as well, and I want to let you know.