Dating Challenges for the Black Woman

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week, you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can. You guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, everyone, and thank you so much for joining me on the getyourguy coaching podcast. I wanted to talk today, and this is a solo episode, about why I'm a dating coach for women of color, specifically Black women. Because Black women have unique challenges that no other set of women have. And so because those unique challenges are so prevalent and oftentimes difficult to navigate, it requires a different or more intense amount of work to get us to the place where we want to be and achieve our love goals as a Black woman. So I'm going to go over the things that I've observed as a dating coach for 13 years. That is why it is difficult for women, Black women to get their guy and thrive in love. Okay. And, you know, take what resonates with you and throw away the rest. Sometimes I make these lists and people are like, that's not me. So you're not right? No, girl, it's not for everybody. But I'm pretty sure that many of you, if you're a Black and also a brown woman, will resonate with quite a bit. Okay, so let's get started. So the first one is vulnerability. As you've heard me say on this podcast a million times, vulnerability is a superpower in love. And if you're not able to have that vulnerability, it's going to be really difficult for you to, one, deeply connect with men, and two, evaluate whether men are going to be emotionally available and sensitive for you or not. But oftentimes we are brought up and raised to be stoic, to be perfect, to not have emotions. And it's often our mothers that are hypercritical and trying to make us perfect because they know how hard this world is going to be. And they know that to survive and oftentimes to thrive in this world, you're going to have to shut off your emotions because there's going to be a lot of things that are coming at you. And when you're triggered and when you react, you're going to lose a lot of what you've worked for. So part of this is learning how to take feedback and not feel anything and just execute, execute, execute. Yeah, but in love, you can't really do that. You actually have to be 100% emotionally in touch with yourself. Yeah. And be able to express those emotions and be vulnerable from a feeling perspective so your partner knows what's happening with you. Okay. So vulnerability is huge here. The second thing that I will talk about in terms of a unique challenge is boundaries. Right. So many of us did not grow up with any boundaries. We didn't have any privacy. We could not say no. We could not talk back. We had to eat all of our food. We had to go to church. We had to keep our doors open when our parents told us to. Like, we were never able to say no or, hey, this is what I want. This is not what I want. It was whatever they say goes. And for so many of us, especially from an African or Caribbean household, you are to be seen and not heard. So you have no agency, you have no power to set boundaries.

The way that this translates into your adult romantic relationships is when the time comes to actually date and to be in a relationship, you're not going to know how to set boundaries or you're going to try to set boundaries and set them in a way where you're reacting and you're coming from an emotionally charged place. And you're oftentimes being aggressive and judgmental instead of setting boundaries, which is only going to be met with judgment and. Or not judgment, but defensiveness. And so boundaries can become confrontational. We have to learn how to set healthy boundaries so that we can date well and get into great relationships. Because even when you're in the best relationship, you're gonna have to set a lot of boundaries all the time because your partner's just not gonna know how to best treat you. So your boundaries are gonna keep you safe and are going to give him a roadmap in terms of how to best treat you. But if you're not used to setting them, or if you feel like you don't have the power to, or that you shouldn't, or that you're gonna be mean or disrespectful, if you do, you're never going to want to do it. So then you're going to get ran over. You're going to potentially keep with the people pleasing ways because you can't say no. You can't set boundaries. Yeah.

It'S a huge issue, especially with black women. And it sounds weird to. Because we think, yeah, Black women, like, are able to stand up for themselves, but oftentimes they're standing up for themselves because they've gone to the point of no return past their actual limits. And when they're standing up for themselves, it's for coming from a place of survival and not actual healthy boundaries before you have you, before you end up doing the things that you don't want to do.

So boundaries. Another challenge specifically for women of color, Black women specifically. The next thing I want to talk about is.

Being a late bloomer. So many of the women that I talk to, black and brown women, are late bloomers. Many of them not even really dating until college for a variety of different reasons. Right. One being maybe your parents were super strict or super religious and you couldn't date. Or they were, you know, like whether they were religious or not, didn't wanted you to focus on your academics and not necessarily on boys or men. Secondarily, some of the boys when you were growing up with them maybe were not checking for you. Right. Especially non black boys. And so you saw that and you said, okay, because they're not checking for me. I'm just going to focus on my career and my academics and make sure that I'm completely leveled up in that area of my life instead of engaging in dating and romantic relationships. The gag is those boys were checking for you, but because of peer pressure and not wanting to be outside of the tribe, they were not going to engage in trying to go out with you. So many of us are late bloomers starting at 18, 19, 20, 21. And so the 20s are actually oftentimes a place where we're engaging in relationships in the same way that our white counterparts would be doing in their teenage years. Yeah. And our 30s become the white 20s in a way. So there's a catch up that needs to happen about gaining experience, learning how to date. The other thing is, even in our households, we're not really taught how to date. Some of the things that are said are, don't get pregnant and don't be fast. There's no like, okay, this is how you allow a man to court you. This is how you know, these are some of the boundaries you should have. These are some of the red flags you should look out for. None of that is happening or for many of our black households. So we kind of have to do trial and error for ourselves, which obviously is going to be painful because you don't know what to expect. You don't have the proper equipment and tools and skills and, and knowledge. It's like going to war without any, any gun or any protection. Yeah. You're going to get hit and you're going to get hurt. And what happens because of that lack of knowledge and lack of experience is that it's going to detract from you wanting to actually engage in your dating life because it's painful and it hurts and you don't know how to do it, which gives a sense of insecurity. Yeah. So inexperience and being a late bloomer is one of the things that's very prevalent for black and brown women. Fourth, dating. Racism. Girl, you know this, I know this. There are. There dating is racist.

I think that there was research done by OkCupid and they said that a response rate from a white woman will be 43%. A response rate for a black woman will be 32%. So response rates are lower. A lot of men. And OkCupid also said like the, you know, kind of the least desirable demographic for women are black women and the least desirable for men are Asian men. Based on response rates.

Based on like actual engagement and initiation of messages.

Some of these people are not going to be checking for you. Right. I know I sound pretty contradictory, but.

A good amount of people just won't. Right. For racist reasons that your counterparts are not experiencing. Especially if you are a darker skinned woman, black or brown, you might not have as many options because of racism. And I think it's important for us to really talk about this because it's not really talked about a lot. And this is even, this is even within black men or brown men. They are looking for someone that is lighter. And so it makes it hard to date when people are not focused on the individual that you are, but the color that you are. So dating racism is definitely making it much more challenging and difficult for you to find a person. Okay. The other thing that I will say, the fifth thing that makes dating really challenging for a woman of color, specifically a black woman, is.

Not being able to be themselves. So many times black women have to be chameleons. I say it so often that they have to split themselves. They have to be one way at work, one way with their family, one way with friends, one way with men or women or in their dating lives. Part of my work is bringing all of those split parts together so that they can show up as their full, authentic self everywhere. It's exhausting to be a chameleon, but oftentimes we felt like we've had to because they can't take all of me or I can't bring all of myself to work or I can't say that in front of my family or my friends. Won't. Won't, you know, won't respect the fact that I really like anime, whatever it may be, girl. Right. Not being our true selves because we think that people won't like our true selves, when in reality, you have to, have to be, to be fully seen and fully loved. But if you. If you approaching your dating life only 60% of yourself, you're only going to be 60% loved. So part of this work is learning how to be confident in yourself and to show all parts of yourself, not just the parts that you think that other people will like. Okay, the other really important piece, which I would say is the sixth piece that is really, really pertinent for black women and brown women, is not getting enough attention when you were growing up. So what does this mean for your adult dating life? Well, oftentimes we were either brought up by single parents or because of the wage gap, both of our parents had to work, so we weren't getting as much attention at home as maybe our white counterparts were. And quality time. So that becomes our bonding pattern. Like this expectation that we are okay with even a little bit crumbs.

Versus nothing at all. So when we do engage with people that are giving us attention, we're actually going to be more apt to hold onto them and grasp onto them and not let them go, even if they aren't behaving in the way that you want them to, because that thirst for attention outweighs how they're treating you.

It's a very important point because this is also something that's not really talked about.

And if we combine some of the things that I've already mentioned here, that attention means so much more for black and brown women, but we still have to be able to outweigh how we're treated versus the attention. And not a lot of women are able to do that at this moment. It takes a mindset work. It takes boundary work. But this notion of not getting as much attention growing up and that creating our bonding pattern as normal and familiar will allow you to lean into such relationships. We have to create a new threshold for that. Okay, the next point that I want to talk about, and this is the seventh point, is so about masculine energy. So many women of color are in their masculine energy. And this is often because our mothers and our grandmothers were in their masculine energy because they had to be to survive. They had to do the things that needed to be done. They didn't have the luxury of being in Their feminine energy. So what that meant was that they became the model for what a woman is for you. When in reality.

Part of attraction and part of being in healthy relationships is having a healthy level of masculine and feminine energy. Many of the women of color that I work with, especially smart and successful women, are kind of over indexing and masculine energy and under indexing in feminine energy. And so my work is kind of to recalibrate that so they both become to a healthy level.

If you're in your masculine energy, it's going to be very difficult for you to attract and be with a masculine, energetic man. Relationships are about compliments, not about clones. So you're. If you want a masculine, energetic man, and most women that I talk to too, you gotta learn how to be in your feminine energy, which means doing the things that feel weak and powerless and out of control.

So, like being vulnerable, setting those boundaries, asking for help, you know, being complimentary, being accepting versus judgmental, being that emotional support. Those are kind of the foundations of feminine energy.

Feminine energy is not giving. I just want to clarify that we've seen so many of our mothers and our grandmothers self sacrifice themselves. And we think that because they gave everything to us, that's what being in our feminine energy is. But it's not. Giving is providing. And providing is a masculine, energetic trait. Receiving, allowing, accepting is the feminine energy. So a lot of my work is learning, helping my clients learn how to do that. Okay. Okay. So that was number eight. Number seven. Number eight is. And I got a lot of flack for this a couple of months ago. And all of the black men were really upset with me on the Internet, on the world wide Web. As my grandmother would say, this toxic loyalty to black men.

I know that. Well, the numbers say it right. 90% of black women are getting with black men, whereas only 75% of black men are getting with black women. There is a toxic loyalty to black men, even if they're not fully checking for you and dating outside of your race at almost triple the rate. And so part of what black women need to do is to date everyone. I'm not saying not date black men. What I am saying, and I have a podcast episode about this, about the case for dating everyone, is that you make it so much harder for yourself when you just exclusively date black men in America. That's 13% of the population. So you're eliminating 87% of the men out there, roughly nine out of 10 guys you're not even going to look at. Of course it's going to be really hard for you. Of course. Now I've run the numbers and when you just date black men and we're looking at men that are going to be ready for a relationship, it's going to be one out of 50.

So it makes it really difficult versus if you date all men, you're looking at one out of every seven guys that are going to be ready for a relationship. I'm interested in the guy that treats you the best. I'm not interested in what it looks like. And I'm hoping that as time goes on and as you continue to listen to this podcast that you are doing the same. Because. And I'm not saying it's impossible to get with a great black man. I'm just saying it. It's much more difficult. They are less educated than black women. They are single Black men are making less than single black women. So they are self actualizing at a rate that takes a longer amount of time. So they're getting married at an older age because they're not there financially. So part of this work is opening up and widening our net so that we can find the guy that's great for us right now instead of having to wait for these black men to choose us when they're ready. The other thing is there's a gender ratio that is completely off. You know, there are a lot of DL gay men. There are a lot of black men that are incarcerated and straight up dead. So for every hundred black women, there are 88 black men. So you're already playing the choose me game when you focus just on black men. This is why places like Atlanta and D.C. are really difficult to date in as well as Houston. The gender ratio is off. So what happens is that you get a lot of these poly relationships because men have such a choice and they don't have to settle down because of the paradox of choice, especially these black men I'm talking about. So we gotta widen this net of ours and not be toxically loyal to black men. Again, I want you to find your love. I don't care what package it's in. And I hope that you are focused on that as well. Okay. The last thing that I will talk about is something that also is not really talked about a lot, but something that's really important, which is there is a subconscious familiarity with narcissism if you are a black woman. Why do I say this? Many of our black moms are narcissistic. And again, this is based on trauma. I'm not coming for your mom. What I am saying, and one of the reasons why she couldn't express her emotions and she was super highly critical of you was because of the trauma that she had, which later translated into and transformed itself into narcissism. Okay?

The other reason is because of the patriarchy. Whether it's conscious or unconscious, there is a narcissism within the patriarchy. The way that men treat women, and you've experienced it in the classroom or at work where men are speaking over you or trying to mansplain, there's a level of narcissism and superiority or supremacy there in the thought process.

So subconsciously.

There is a level of familiarity with how one is to be treated. The other thing that I will talk about is racism from white people. Right? White supremacy is narcissism as well. So you have all of these different relationships surrounding you that are narcissistic in nature. It does something to the subconscious, and it makes you think that this is, again, normal and familiar, and this is how relationships generally go. So you are going to be more apt to enter into these relationships than other racialized groups of women. So part of this work, again, is boundaries and getting really clear about how you want to be treated and being able to step away from those relationships that don't treat you in the way that you want to be treated, which is difficult because a lot of us feel stuck in these relationships that are narcissistic in nature. But you don't have to be. Okay? So I've given you a lot here, and if you're a black woman, I know that I've given you a lot here. But I think it's really important for us to understand why is it so hard for a black woman to date and why I'm a dating coach specifically for black women. This is the work that we do to overcome these things. We work on the vulnerability. We help you set boundaries. We date so that you have more experience. Right. We find new and different strategies to overcome dating racism. We learn how to be ourselves and talk our ish. In the programs that I'm in, we learn about what our true relationship needs are so that this attention thing doesn't take hold of us. We learn how to sit comfortably in our feminine energy so that we can attract more masculine, energetic men. We are focused on dating everyone in my program so that we can have the highest probability of finding our mate versus just hyper focusing on one specific demographic. And we learn how to look out for the narcissistic red flags in the courtship so that we don't end up in relationships with narcissistic people based on subconscious programming. This is what we're doing in my program and I have two I have a membership club and I have a VIP program. These are the things that we're doing in my programs. If you want to learn how to do this as a Black or a brown woman, please book a consultation call. I have still some spots available for my June cohort and because there's been so much interest, I think I might be opening up a July cohort as well. I hope this is helpful for you as you start to think about why is it so hard for you to date and maybe the focus areas that you need to have when you're dating. If you need help with this, I'm always going to be here to help you. I hope this podcast episode was helpful for you and as always, girl, I will see you on the other side. Be well.

Hey girl, thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.