Dating Civil War

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and welcome to the getyourguy coaching podcast. I am so happy to be with you. This is going to be just a solo episode, probably a mini episode, because there's been something that's been on my heart recently, and I wanted to share that with you because there's been a lot of frustration in the dating world. And I wanted to explain kind of what's happening that that is creating this frustration and really making it the hardest time to date ever. You've heard me say it a number of different times, and it is this. You'll hear me say the apps are not apping, and that is 100% true. But it's not just the apps. I want to be very clear about this, right? Yes, there is a lawsuit against the Match Group because they have been operating potentially some in some unethical practices and paywalls and manipulation tactics to keep people onto the app. But that's just a small portion of what's really happening in the dating world. If we're going to be a hundred percent honest about what is happening, it is this. We are in a dating cycle. Civil war. What do I mean by this? I mean that, honey.

Women are the north and men are the South. It is a civil war out here. Now, I've been a dating coach for 14 years. This is the hardest it's ever been because there are ideological differences that are happening that are making it very difficult for men and women to come together. Okay, so why am I talking about this? I'm talking about this because I want you to have a strategy while we're navigating these treacherous waters, girl.

I think it's important to understand a couple of things. One, research is telling us that men are becoming more conservative and women are becoming more liberal. And that is a foundational difference in how you live your life. And this isn't just in the United States. This is all around the world, from Korea to South America to, you know, parts of Africa, Australia. This is research that has happened in the last quarter all over the world. And, you know, I think that you're seeing a Lot of this play out in real life as well as in social media.

So obviously many of you have heard about Shara 7, who is the Sprinkle Sprinkle lady, as she is well known as, and she is all about.

Having transactional relationships for your own financial security. The relationships that she is talking about that she wants women to be in are not really focused on emotional connection. This is about making sure that a man can provide and take care of you. And that is the most important thing in the relationship. And so some of her tactics and some of the things that she shares are, you know, can be manipulative, can make sure that you are set, and if that is your, that's where you're at in your journey, I want to honor that. I will say that I think that it does a disservice and I think we're starting to see that now to the entire dating market. Because what's happening is we're having a lot of women repeat and live their lives in the same way that she does. And this isn't everyone, but part of this is happening and a lot of guys are not feeling seen, heard and understood. Now, you know, my podcast is not about being sensitive or sympathetic to men, but what I will say is that the Sprinkle Sprinkle movement has created what we call the Drizzle Drizzle movement where men are matching that energy and expecting women to do things for them. Now. Yeah, this is what is making the dating and relationship scene the hardest it's been since I've been a dating coach. I think. Am I shitting on Share seven? Not at all. I think her and I align on like 70% of the things that she says. It's that 30% that can get you into some tricky waters here. Right? Why? Because when you are leading with what can you give me, what can you provide for me, you are going to inevitably leave a bad taste in a lot of men's mouth, including the good guys.

What I have seen and why the apps are not apping is because instead of 80% of the guys that are not ready for a relationship, a lot of men have been turned off by dating and some of the entitlement and mentality of women and, you know, they are starting to become more misogynistic. So instead of 80%, it's starting to look like 90% of the men out there are not relationship ready.

Even though that sounds like a, like a small uptick in terms of like available, eligible, relationship ready men, it's been probably cut in half. Since the pandemic, which is going to make it harder for you to find your person. Now, we've talked about sprinkle, sprinkle and drizzle, drizzle. I also want to talk a little bit about the 4B movement that originated in Korea, because there's been a lot of talk around this, and I'm totally a huge fan and supporter of this. But for those of you that are not Familiar with this 4B movement, it is a movement that originated in South Korea in 2019, and its proponents are all about renouncing, dating men, marriage, sex with men, and having children. So 4B represents all of these words in Korean that start with B. So no sex with men means biseksu. No child rearing is bichulsan, no dating men. These is.

No marriage with men means. So that is where the 4B movement, if you hear about it, that's where it has come from. Okay, now, why is this important? Why do you think? Why should. Why are we talking about this? Well, let me just give you some background on why this has come about. Because this movement is really meant to serve as kind of a direct opposition to South Korea's patriarchal state, right? Where women's bodies are viewed as just reproductive objects and tools for the state's future. So women have really engaged in this movement to resist the ways in which their expectations of society are being forced in their very conservative world.

And I think it's important to. To understand that it's having an effect. It's having an effect on birth rates and.

The respect that women are starting to have in Korea, South Korea, based on this movement. You know, there was a lot of domestic violence. The Korean job market is such that women earn 31% less than their male counterparts. So they had a lot to protest about.

I know many of you are listening, like, yeah, it's the same here. This is why this movement is coming about. And I would say right now that many of you, all, many of Western society, specifically in the US y' all are kind of giving A1 or B movement right now. But the reason why I'm saying that dating is harder and probably will continue to be harder is more and more people will include and increase their Bs. And so instead of A, I'll call it a 1 1/2 B movement that's happening in the U.S. it's going to look like more of like a 3B movement. What does that mean? It means that men are going to become more single, they're going to become more angry, they're going to become more misogynistic. And I'm not here to play doomsday. I'm just sharing with you my thoughts about the dating market and what to expect.

Okay, so why are we talking about this? Like I said before, because of this and you've already seen this, like now men have a 5B movement where they're not engaging with educated women. They're only focusing on traditional women. Right there, these men are matching energies and it's getting very kindergarten. That's why dating is becoming very, very intense, very scary. But I'm here to just remind you of things that I want you to think about over the next year or two as we are in this dating civil war of sorts. So a couple of things because like I was saying before.

The number of eligible relationship ready men has decreased significantly. So what that means is a couple of things. One.

It means more men are going to not follow through. And as a dating coach, I know that that can be something that can be very triggering for people. Right? So instead of, you know, 80% of the guys not following through, not asking you out on a date, not reaching back out to you, ghosting you, saying that they're going to call you and they don't, it's 90.

What I know about why that is a trigger is because most, most of us are getting triggered based on an inner child wound. And honestly, that inner child wound is often related to our fathers and their lack of follow through or their empty promises. So I'm sharing this because I want you to be able to do the inner work if you decide to continue dating. And by the way, I want you to. I'm sharing this because I want to manage your expectations and help you understand that it's probably just going to take you a little bit longer to find your person, but it's not impossible. Now if you choose to sit this one out and wait for things to come down a little bit, totally understand and respect that as well. But while you are dating, or even if you decide to step this one out and stay on the bench, I still want you to engage in those inner child wounds. I want you to explore why something like this may be a trigger for you. Who developed this in your life? What is the origin story and what does that inner child, that little girl, need to feel? Okay, because obviously when you were growing up, there was no one there to help that inner child, that little girl inside. And it's your responsibility now. So when these things come up, that's what I want you to think. About. I don't want you to focus on some rando dude that is not ready for a relationship because most of them aren't. Who hasn't followed up. I want you to think about, okay, what does my little self need? What does little Hanmar need? What does little Jill need? What does little Sandra need? Whatever you call your little inner child, you got to figure out what she needs, and you need to deliver that to her in this moment. Does she need sweet, sweet, gentle words? Does she need a hug? Does she need joy? Does she need to sing? Does she need to dance? Does she need attention? Does she need to reach out to friends, family? Right? That's your focus right now, when those things happen. Because it's going to happen more times than it's happened before just based on the dating civil war that we're in. So that is the first advice that I have for you. Secondly, there are going to be many more narcissists love bombers.

And because they're jaded, because they're going through trauma, because they've been hurt in the past, and they don't trust women, just like a lot of women don't trust men. So you're just. We're swimming in a more untrusting environment here. For the majority of people that are in the dating scene, they're still great people. I just want to remind you.

But it means that we have to be on our A game when it comes to narcissists. So what are we doing about that? I want to make sure that you're setting your boundaries are completely solid. You're setting them when you can. Anytime, anytime you are saying, that's weird, that's bizarre, that's strange. I want you to focus on what feeling you're having and share that feeling instead of him. If he gives you these three long paragraphs while you're chatting on an app and you're thinking, oh, that's weird, that's strange. Instead, just share the feeling. You've got to figure out what your feelings are and share it and see how he responds to that boundary that you set. Actually, thanks for sharing, but all of these. All of these paragraphs are making me feel overwhelmed. A lot of narcissists will always want to be right and will try to make you wrong. So you want to set boundaries to see how they respond to your boundaries so that we can X them out when they don't. When the response is, so sorry about that. Let me minimize it. Right? That's the kind of response that we're looking for. Anything where he's blaming you or he's saying, why can't you do this or that? We just let him go. Bye, dudes. Yeah, the other thing, not just boundaries, we're going to have to set, we're going to have to be more vulnerable. We're gonna have to continue to share more feelings, to see how they respond to your feelings and how you express and communicate your emotions.

So like if you're chatting with a guy and you're like, yeah, you know, I used to play volleyball, but I felt really isolated because I was the only black girl on the team. We're looking for empathy, we're looking for sympathy. We're looking for additional questions here. And if he's not able to give that to you, we got to keep it moving.

Okay. This is really important because.

The majority of the single guys out there are going to lack emotional sensitivity, capacity and depth and it's going to get worse on average because of what is happening in this dating civil war. So I want to make sure that we are able to evaluate as early as the first conversation about how he responds to these things. Alrighty.

Number three.

Our cutoff game has to be on lock. We cannot be giving like second chances.

One and done. Like if you are not feeling safe, we gotta let it go. A lot of people, because there are going to be fewer relationship ready men are going to try to hold on to men longer because having something, having some sort of attention many, many of us think is better than having no attention or having no guy. And I want to offer to you that having no guy and having peace is better than dealing with a half assed guy who is not treating you in the way that you need to be treated. Because you will trick yourself into thinking that or your brain will, that this is your upper limit of love.

And so you will only seek men that are at that level if you continue to engage with guys that are at a lower level. This is the essence of love scarcity mindset. And I want to make sure that we are stepping away from that and keeping our standards and requirements intact. Because it's going, you're going to feel even more pressure to settle and I don't want that for you. Like I said before, this is going to take longer, but it's going to be worth it. And I'm telling you this because I think a lot of us have expectations that it's supposed to happen just like that and.

It'S not going to happen like that right now. So I want to offer, please, please, please, Please, please. The first sign of, especially early in the courtship, that he's not doing the things that he needs to do, let him go.

If he hasn't asked you out in a week, let him go. If he doesn't reach back out to you after a physical or phone date, after 48 hours, don't be afraid to let him go. Right. If he doesn't want to be exclusive with you within two to three months, let him go. Right. We got to have our boundaries intact so that we're only creating space for the cream of the crop guys.

Okay.

The other thing.

We'Re going to have to manage our minds.

Right. Going to have to heal. And you can do that in the dating scene or outside of the dating scene. And I want you to really lean into this even if you aren't dating. Right. Sorry. Even if you are dating, date. But get some sort of support. Now, that doesn't have to be me, although I would love to work with you and help you. It can be a therapist, it can be a counselor, have a mentor to go through the things that are going to be important for you to be ready and become the woman that's ready for the best relationship of her life. A lot of us will.

Self sabotage, will be attracted to guys that are not good for us based on our parental relationships, need to work on our boundaries. Vulnerability might need some clarity in terms of what we're really looking for. Yeah. Might need help with our confidence and confidence, both emotional confidence and confidence around our body and our looks.

If that is the case, don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to get a mentor. I swear to you, your mentor will be able to pick out your blind spots and help you heal much faster.

I mean, you can do this yourself. I just think it generally takes longer and many of us don't have a lot of time and really want things as quickly as possible. So that's why I'm always a fan of mentors. I have about three mentors right now, coaches that I'm working with to level up different parts of my body and mind and spirit and intellect. And so I'm sharing that so that you are also of the mindset that there's no shame in that game.

The best individuals have coaches. Serena Williams had a coach. Simone Biles had a coach. Oprah has her own coaches. Michelle Obama has her own coaches. Get a coach or a mentor girl. It will help you in this healing era, in this dating civil war. Okay. I hope that's helpful for you as you navigate this new terrain that we're in because you are going to need the tools, the weapons, the shields, the protection in this dating civil war. And if you don't feel like you have it, get it. I obviously can help you with my programs. There are other dating coaches out there, some that are really good and will be able to help you as well. But if you don't feel like you have the tools, girl, get them. You will need them now more than ever. This isn't a fear monger. I. I just want you going into this with clear eyes if you decide to date right now, or you will get eaten up and you will die, you know, on the battlefield emotionally. And I don't want that for you ultimately. Okay, awesome. I hope that this was a helpful kind of episode for you as you understand kind of what's happening now in 2024 and I think will continue to happen, you know, for the next year or so. You know, it generally gets worse before it gets better, so it's going to take a little bit of time, but it's definitely very, very possible to get your guy. I still have one to two women that are getting their guys every week, so I see it every day, every week. It is possible.

One thing that I want to mention before, before I go.

I want to offer that what you may want to do in this time is minimize your exposure to dating, love, relationship content on social media. It is very overwhelming right now. And because you have so many people that are speaking their two cents on it, right? I'm, like, looking at my feed and people that were doing tarot cards, people that were talking about entrepreneurship and are now talking about dating to get clicks and likes and followers. And so it's very overwhelming. So one of the things that you might want to consider is really focusing on two to three individuals that you trust to give your dating advice to. And if I get cut off off of that podium, so be it. I want to make sure that you're not consuming 25 different people that are telling you 25 different things, and now you're more confused than ever. Like, I don't really swipe that much, but one evening on Instagram, I was swiping, I was like, oh, my God, this person's yelling. Oh, my God, this person's saying crazy, misogynistic, homophobic stuff. Oh, my God, this person is saying that I should do what? And it's all very different things. And, like, I know what to do. And I was even confused and overwhelmed. So I can only imagine, like, how many of you might be feeling, thinking, and experiencing this overwhelm of dating, love, relationship content? So I just want to offer that to you as you are navigating this time, because not every voice is a good voice, not all advice is good advice. And you want to make sure that you are only creating space for things that align with your spirit, your intuition, and how you see the world. Okay? I think that that will help you tremendously gain your own clarity in this warlike state that we are in dating. Okay. All right, ladies, I hope that this is helpful for you. I know usually I'm very cheery and uppity, but, girl, I feel like I'm talking about climate change. No shade.

It's hard to be kind of cheery about it. I just want to be realistic, and I want to, you know, tell the truth and get a Baby Ruth, as my granny would say and my mother would say. So that you're going into this new era of dating with the tools, with your eyes wide open.

So that you can get the best results here. The last thing that I want you to do is enter this era in a very Disney, like, princess mindset, because that's not what it's going to take. Okay? All right, ladies. I hope that this was helpful for you. If you need help, definitely reach out to me and book a call and I'll see you on the flip side. Stay strong, ladies. You got this.

Hey, girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.