Dating coach Anwar White (14 years experience) frames modern dating as a "dating civil war," arguing men and women are diverging politically and behaviorally which complicates relationships. He outlines four stage-based differences — initial attraction ("men date from zero; women date from 100"), courtship (men bond through shared activity; women bond through disclosure), sex (women chemically bond via oxytocin; men reduce connection after sex via vasopressin) — and gives practical advice (stay detached early, require emotional reciprocity, wait for exclusivity before sex, give men space when they pull away). The clip targets single (especially Black) women seeking dating strategy.
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Girl, we are in a dating civil war right now. But don't freak out, girl. Y' all are in the north, and these men are in the South. Why do I say this? I say this because research has shown that men are becoming more conservative and women are becoming more liberal. So there is a value, like disconnect happening between men and women right now. Between sprinkle sprinkle versus drizzle drizzle, between the 4B movement versus the 5B movement, there is just so much, so much discord in the actual dating realm that it's making it the hardest that it's ever been. And I've been a dating coach for 14 years. This is the hardest I've ever seen it happen. Yeah, girl. I have an amazing podcast episode on this that just came out. If you want to learn more about that, definitely check out the getyourguy coaching podcast. But as your fairy godbrother, I wanted to share with you the different stages of dating where men and women differ so that you can navigate this and still get your guy, even in this dating civil war. Now, let's talk about the initial stages. Men date from zero. Women date from 100. What does that mean? It means that men don't even like you until they're getting to know you on the first date. Whereas women, their oxytocin is increasing, which means that ultimately, while you're texting, while you're in the app, you're gaining attachment from him. And you already like him on the first date to the point where you are thinking about the wedding pictures, you're thinking about what the kids will look like on the first date. What you need to do. The solution to that is to actually be very detached, like, start from zero, just like the guys do. Why? So that if he messes up, he's in the negative and you can let him go. If you're starting from 100, if he messes up, he will be at 95 or 90, which is still a good score, and you will give him more chances. Okay. During the courtship, men connect by doing everything with each other. Women connect by telling each other everything. So a lot of women will get trapped into thinking that these guys really like them just because they're doing everything with him. The way that you want to test out if he's relationship ready is if he's also able to tell you everything. But that requires you to be vulnerable. Girl, you're going to have to be emotionally there to see if he has the emotional capacity. Many women are dating in a very emotionally unavailable state. And so they're only attracting emotionally unavailable guys. To be honest with you, the majority of the single market is emotionally unavailable. So you're going to have to be vulnerable. Okay, so that's number two. Number three is sex. Women will chemically bond to men when they are intimate with them. Men, their vasopressin will decrease and they will feel less connected to you after being intimate. So one of the things that I recommend as a dating coach is to wait until you are exclusive in an exclusive relationship with a guy before hooking up. Now, y' all are grown, do whatever the hell you want. But I know that if it happens beforehand, he. He will not have any incentive to want to be committed to you. And you will get into a lot of situationships. And lastly, love. Men feel weaker when they fall in love because their testosterone lowers. Women feel empowered when they fall in love because their testosterone increases and their other hormone actually increase as well. So what happens when they fall in love? This is the man. This is the woman. The man will go like this and pull back. The women will lean in during love. When you're in love, don't lean in. Stay where you're at. Let him pull back. Now, if he comes back within two to three days, act like nothing ever happened, girl. But if he stays away for more than three days, it means he's running away and that he's not ready. Let him go. Okay. Now, I hope this is helpful as you navigate these very treacherous waters as it pertains to dating. If you need help navigating this, definitely book a call with me. And good luck, soldier.
