Dating Doula

Okay, thank you so much for joining me today, you guys. I have a very special guest with me. Her name is Bridget the Dating Doula, and she is going to give us our entire life as it pertains to online dating. So, Bridget, thank you so much for just giving us. And I already know there's going to be a lot of tea that's going to be spilled, and so I'm just so happy that you're here and I get a chance to talk with you.

Oh, thanks so much for inviting me on the podcast. And War. I don't know about how much tea is going to be spilled, but ton of it.

Okay. She's a humble tea server, but, yes, we're gonna spill tons of tea. And I'm just, like, really excited because obviously we are in this pandemic, and a lot of people are going on these online apps and everything. And so I think it's gonna be really important all of the information that you're gonna give all of my listeners. But before we get into that, why don't you talk a little bit about your business, what you do, who you serve, and how you got into it.

Okay. So, like, was mentioned before. My name is Bridget, and I run a company called the Dating Doula. And so essentially, what I describe myself as sort of like an online dating concierge. Right? And so.

The work that I do mostly involves, like, copywriting dating profiles either from scratch or helping people to kind of edit their dating profiles and their photos as well to make them a little bit more interesting and to attract the people that they want. I also do sort of, like, online dating strategy for folks who are, like, comfortable with using the apps but may not be meeting the right people or keep meeting the wrong people to sort of kind of hone in on what some of their issues might be. And then my full service, sort of the VIP package is called the Dating Doula. And with that one, I basically online date for you as you for 30 to 90 days. And it includes pretty much all the rest of the services in terms of the dating strategy, as well as writing your dating profile from scratch. So that's a general sort of idea of what I do in terms of who I serve. I don't know if you noticed, but I'm a black woman, and.

Yes, you are. You are a black queen girl. And I'm living.

And I just want to let my.

Listeners know she has a slight gap in her teeth, just like all of the women in my family, which means royalty in Africa. Yes, I am, like, so Happy to be in the presence of some royalty girl. But, yes, you are very black, and I am very happy about it.

So, like, and I think anybody who, you know, pays attention or who is a black person on a dating app knows that, like, online dating as a black person, it comes with its own specific, unique challenges. Right?

Specifically a black woman, right?

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. So, you know, people's prejudices don't. Aren't checked at the login page of a dating app, unfortunately. And so when I started my business, like, I was really sort of focused on supporting single black women to just basically have better online dating experiences than to also sort of be able to strategize and have more fun dating. I work with everyone, so I'm like one of these people where if you're 21 and older, you're single, whatever your sexual orientation or gender identity, I will work with you. But my focus, and you'll see that a lot if you take a look at my social media, is black women and women of color for the most part. But I serve every get on that.

Social media, y', all, because it is hilarious and fun, and, like, sometimes you see it's just, like, such entertaining content. So definitely get on that.

Get.

Get on that social media. It's interesting, when you were first talking, you were talking about an, like, online dating strategy, which I don't think people would really ever think about. Right. They think about business strategy or marketing strategy or whatever, but they would never think about online dating strategy. So I think it's just a really interesting concept. Could you speak more to, like, what that kind of looks like and how people should really be thinking about that?

Yeah, I think one of the biggest issues that I think that people have that I had in the past, and this is kind of what led me to realize that this was a service that was needed, is that a lot of people, like, use dating apps without any sort of, like, real strategy. Right. But in the same way, like, dating apps are so ubiquitous now that there's, like, character types that you will find on every single type of dating app. Right. And so often people are kind of like, oh, you know, I'd like to date, or I'd like to meet new people. I just want to see who's around. And then they hop on a dating app, and then usually they kind of just go down the rabbit hole, so to speak. Right. But if, like, if you're just looking to hook up or if you're just looking to kind of do something super casual, no big deal. But if you're looking strategically to try to meet somebody for something long term. You do have to be strategic because there are a lot of time wasters on dating apps, right? And so like I do, I'm one of those people where like, I think it's important to approach dating, online dating, with a strategy and also without being too heavy handed or too serious. You know what I mean? It's like, have fun, but enter with the strategy and understand what it is that you're on there for and then like refine like crazy until you, until you meet people who kind of align there. So I do think it is important for people, I think women, especially black women, especially to be strategic about how they use dating apps.

Essentially very much that. In my program with my clients, I call it the funnel. And it's a framework and a strategy that they need to follow to make sure that the cream of the crop is the time in which are the people that they're actually engaging with and not all of the everything else that's out there, Right?

Yes, absolutely.

So obviously we're very much in a similar business. So I'm probably sure that you hear this a lot. There are a lot of women out there that are nervous or, or hesitant about going online and online dating and things like that. What do you have to say to them? What do you usually say to the people or your clients that have that kind of hesitancy?

Well, I would say so again, I find that it tends to be women like over, I would say 40 to, let's say the 60 bracket, who are a little bit more nervous about online dating because they've heard all sorts of horror stories and everything like that. And I would say like, there's nothing wrong with going outside of your comfort zone. Right. Like, and I, and I think also people need to be aware that like different dating apps serve different dating purposes. Right. So if you're like very precautious, I wouldn't recommend like a high traffic swiping hookup app like Tinder.

Yeah, girl, we're not putting 50 year old Karen on Tinder to get her life.

Exactly. So like, you know, just be mindful of the fact that like not all dating apps are created equal. Not all of them have the same experience, not all them have like the same numbers of people. Even, you know, there's like paid ones, there's free ones, and the experience can be very different on both of those. I would say like, I would say, you know, like, I think maybe before the pandemic it would have been like, okay, Okay, I guess if you're concerned, then you prefer meeting people in person, then let's go do it in person. But in the time of this, like, of COVID like, you do have to try and venture out a little bit. But I would say do your research or better yet, talk to someone like me and you, who sort of versed in the world of online dating to get sort of like, really good advice about what dating apps might best suit your needs and things like that. But honestly, like, dating apps aren't going away, and Coronavirus isn't going away anytime soon. So, you know, if you've been scared historically, I would say venture out, do something a little outside of your comfort zone. And if you need support, like people like you or I are there to support.

Yeah, definitely. Or also continue listening to this podcast episode because we're going to be giving you so much tea here. Trust.

Okay, so talk to me a little bit about some of the mind shifts that are, I think, are important when it comes to kind of online dating and getting one prepared to online date. Right. I don't think you just kind of fall into it. Right. I do think it's important to prepare yourself. So talk to me about how one should be thinking about, you know, being out on the apps.

Okay, so one thing, one strategy that I think is really important. And I know, like, your audience is mostly like black women, so I'll speak to sort of an approach that I often notice, like, my black women clients taking to online dating. I think women in general take to online dating where, like, I personally, I feel like, especially maybe when you're, like, a little younger, a little bit new to it, dating is about, like, exploration, and it's as much about learning about yourself as it is about trying to find, like, another partner. Right. But a lot of the time, like, people, very much so. People go on to dating apps with the expectation like, oh, I'm gonna find Prince Charming. I'm gonna find my husband or wife, or, you know what I mean? Like, whatever your flavor is. And it's. And they forget about the fact that, like, it's also about meeting new people, connecting with people, you know, potentially going on fun dates, whether those are virtual dates and things like that. So what I would say is that to prepare to be dating apps, like, it's really, really important that you have a clear understanding of why it is that you're on the app. Right. If you're there looking for a relationship, great. That's fine. If you're there just to be casual, great. That's fine. But be very clear about why you're using the dating app and the type of person that you want to interact with and engage with on the dating app. Also, I would say if you are not the type of person who's good at taking photos, get on Google, listen to this podcast, get good tips on how to take great photos. Right. Like, you would be amazed at. And like, so I, you know, I've worked with clients where their entire profile is basically selfies in the bathroom. And I'm just like, no.

Or also pictures from a variety of different destinations by themselves, traveling. I'm like, girl, we have seven pictures of you in Bali, in Costa Rica, in Brazil. Like, we get it.

You travel. Yeah, Good for you, girl. Absolutely right? And so I say, like, get prepared. Like, and so what I usually like to tell clients is that, you know, go through some of the pictures that you've taken within the last year or so, and then your favorite photos. Try to pick out your favorite photos. Ones where you're smiling, ones where you're wearing bright colors and things like that. And then I would also say, like, for, like, on an ongoing basis, because it's important to update your photos on your dating profile. I always say that.

How often should we do that?

I personally do it once a month, and I tell my clients to do it once a month or even more often. And what I usually tell them to do is, like, whenever they're going out, obviously it's a little bit different now, but, like, because of the pandemic. But whenever they're going out or whenever they're going somewhere and they feel good, they feel like they look good, take a picture of yourself or ask somebody else to take a photo of you if that's an option for you as well. Right? And so that's kind of what I say. I say bank, like, based on the on. Because, you know, like, when you actually feel good and you feel like you look good, it, like, radiates. It shows, right? And so on the days when you're feeling really good, make sure to take photos of yourself. And I usually advise, like, a close up, a medium, and then a wide shot. If you can get someone to take a full shot of you and just bank it. I have, like, clients who literally have, like, a folder on their phone that just says, like, online dating. And they just bake, like, these photos of them at, like, different points or different events that they've been to where they're just like, oh, I felt really good today. I felt like I looked really Cute. My hair looked really good today. You know what I mean? And so that's sort of what I would say. And what I would also say as well is like, get yourself in a place where you are calm. You know, online dating can be really overwhelming sometimes, depending on what you're looking for and which app that you're using. And I think it's really, really important that before you start online dating, you need to get yourself sort of emotionally centered and calm and aware of the fact that, like, you know, you're going to be meeting lots of different people. Some of those people are going to be great. So some of them are going to be awful. Right. But that's like, it's not a reflection on you per se, that would happen regardless of whether or not the technology existed, because humans are humans.

Right.

And so just be in a really calm place. And then another thing I would say is be very, very clear about the amount of time you plan to spend on the dating apps. Dating apps are designed like games, right? They're intended to keep you on there and kind of just going and going and going. But that can be very. Even though it seems simple, it's very emotionally exhausting to be swiping through people or, like, going through tons and tons and tons of profiles and stuff. And so what I would say is, like, be very conscious about. So if you're like, okay, I'm going to download this dating app and I'm going to use it, say to yourself, are you going to use it for 30 days? Are you going to use it for two months? Like, are you going to use it? Are you going to swipe every day? How long are you going to be swiping for? And things like that, and be very conscious about the amount of time that you spend. So for me, what I usually tell my clients is that, you know, like, 30 minutes max. 30 minutes to 60 minutes every day, max, at a particular time. Right. And then turn it off, basically.

Right.

Like, once you've, like, gone through, send messages, time yourself. Like, I've literally had to do that at times where I've literally set, like, a timer on the phone.

Yeah.

I'm like, all right, I'm gonna go through. I'm gonna send my messages, et cetera, et cetera. And then after that, it's like, okay, I'm done for the day, and then tomorrow I do it again. And then I say to myself, okay, I'm gonna online date for a month, every day for 30 minutes or to an hour for a month. And then once the month is over, I'm done. I take a multi week break and then I'm like, all right, let's try a new dating app now and go from there. Because it's really, really important that you're going to burn out otherwise. Right. Like there's people who stay on them for months at a time and then they get jaded and usually.

And then all day, all day long. And so then they really start to get to your point. Jaded.

Yeah, yeah. And you burn out. Right. So just be really strategic about the time commitment that you're willing to spend and also the reasons why you're there. Just be mindful about your photos and make sure that you're capturing photos on the days that you feel good.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. That's really interesting. So I definitely tell my clients like 15 to 30 minutes in the morning and 15 to 30 minutes in the evening. I don't want them on the apps all day long because that also signals something different too to the people that are on the apps. Like it's almost a little bit of a desperation vibe.

Yes, absolutely.

And you don't want to come off as that. Right. I want to circle back to the photos because I think it's really important. So.

You gave us, you know, kind of a body shot, a close up shot. Give me. Can you also explain to me, like, what sort of photos should they be in? Because I'm always telling my clients, and I want to hear your thoughts on this too, that like when men are online shop. Online shopping.

Well, kind of.

It is that it is the meat market.

Yeah. I was like, I don't know if you're wrong.

Online dating, that they're really envisioning, they're looking at these pictures and trying to figure out if they can put themselves in your life. Right. And so it's important to like have one where you're a little bit professional one when you're home and casual one when you're out at the restaurant or at the gym or at the museum or ballet or whatever you do. So talk to me about, like, what kind of photos should we be thinking about when it comes to like online profiles?

For me, I agree with you. I think it's really, really important that the photos reflect your actual life. Right. So you just mentioned earlier that like you have clients where all of their profile pictures are them traveling, globetrotting, all over the world solo and stuff like that. For most people, that is not your everyday life. You know what I mean? Like, I'm a big believer when it Comes to online dating photos to show rather than tell. Right? And so, yeah, you could tell somebody, I love kayaking. Or you can take a picture of you kay. Like a really good picture of you in a kayak or like, you know what I mean, holding a kayak or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, I think it's really important that the photos reflect sort of your everyday life. Like, even with my online dating profile, when I'm online dating for myself, I'm like, I'm like, I always include one photo where I'm completely like, product makeup free. You know what I mean? Product free. Where I'm just like, I. Because. And mind you, I know that for some people, they're not comfortable doing that. I'm comfortable doing that.

Right?

And I just. Because I think my skin looks fine and I don't have products on.

But I'm like, just FYI, her skin is flawless. Thank you.

Yes. A lot of time and effort goes into that, but yeah, is that I want my skin to look good when I don't have product on. So I always include at least one photo where I'm just like, product free, you know, just so people have a good idea of, like, what they're getting and stuff like that. And for me, like, you know, I love fine dining, I love wine, I love. I also enjoy traveling, but for the most part, like, if I'm going to include one, it'll be one travel photo. That's right. Yeah. You know, I love just like nature and being outdoors. So there's photos of me on nature walks and things like that. Right. Like, I just think it needs to be an accurate reflection of your life. So I think sometimes too, like, people want to. Obviously people want to present the best version of themselves, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it needs to be realistic. Like, fundamentally, you're not going to be traveling, especially now, like, all over the world. And so shots of you, like, in exotic places doesn't make any sense. You know what I mean? Like, if you play beach volleyball, let's get some beach volleyball shots. If you like to swim, let's get some swimming shots. I agree with you in terms of just like giving people a relatively accurate picture of your life.

Where they can be like, oh, this person looks like they live, you know, like they live. They're not just like out here kind of like running across globetrotting up every single day of the week or whatever, but they're really sort of like living and having a full life.

So, yeah, I want to talk specifically about black hair in photos.

Yes.

Because it changes a lot depending on who you are. And so I wanted to get your thoughts on should black women be having this similar hairstyle? Should they have different hairstyles? Like, what are your thoughts on that?

So I'm. So I'm a big believer, like, I want freedom for black women, right? And that means, like, giving them. Letting them know that it's okay to make whatever decisions they want to make. Me personally, I, you know, like, I love my natural hair. I change my hair very regularly. I always try to have a good mix of different types of, like, photos of my hair. Right. Other people prefer to use one single type of photo. I don't really prescribe anything in that regard, because I think it's important that you, as a woman, present yourself in the way that you feel the most comfortable. But for me personally, if you are a black woman who does change her hair often, I don't see any reason why you wouldn't want to show, like, what you look like in different sort of fashions or aesthetics. You know what I mean? In the same way, you wouldn't necessarily. Like, I wouldn't necessarily put up photos of me in the same. All six photos in the same outfit. You know, like, my hair is like an expression of my, you know, my beauty, my fashion sense, everything like that. And so I'm a big believer in putting up different photos, but I don't prescribe it to people. If you're not comfortable doing that, that's fine. But.

I love it. I think it looks great. A lot of the clients that I work with who are black women, most of the time, you don't even have to ask them. They'll send you a bunch of pictures. And their hair's different in every single picture. So you really don't have to worry about that. But.

I would say try it. At least if you. Let's say, for instance, you have two pretty dominant hairstyles, try to at least capture your two or maybe three main hairstyles in your profile photos. But it's not mandatory.

Yeah, and that's how I think, too. At least that's what I'm telling my clients, that we should focus on your dominant styles. Just because that's gonna represent the most of who you're going to be and how you navigate the world for the most part.

Right.

Let's switch over to profiles. Cause I know a lot of women will just be like, at least the women that I talk to, they're like, I don't know what to Put on it. And like, you know, I think most people aren't great at online profiles. And so that's one of the things that we do as well. Like we just kind of whip it in shape.

Yeah.

Talk to me about what we should be thinking about as it pertains to our online profile.

So. Okay, so I will. And I'm probably gonna get flacked for this, right?

Girl, don't, don't worry about the flat. Girl, don't worry about it.

So one of the things that I find that women very much often do and this I'm talking about, like heterosexual women specifically, just to be clear, like, they love talking about, oh, I have my can.

I swear, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Okay? They're like, oh, I have my shit together, so you better have your shit together. I have 15 degrees, I own a house, I have a car. Like, just talking about things where you're just like, yeah, madam.

None of this is a reflection of your personality. These are like, you know, material achievements. Right. And things like that. And so that's one of the things that I think is really. And I think I understand why people, women do that for, because they want to sort of like communicate the fact that like, hey, I am self sufficient and I'm independent and I'm financially stable and I want similar things. Right. But I, it's, it's too, it's too, like, it's too much. It is too much, right? And it's also just like, that doesn't speak to your personality, like your baby, you know, like, there's lots of really horrible people who have degrees and have homes and have cars and things like that. It doesn't actually speak to who you are as a person or necessarily what you're looking for. I think it's really, really that you don't start with like, you know, this is what I do for a living. These are all the things that I have. I think it's super important to be like, I am this type of individual. This is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for somebody who can compliment me, you know, in this sort of way. Like, I think.

Like heterosexual women have a tendency to really lead with their accomplishments, you know, and for me, I'm like.

Like, this is not a resume.

And also like, guys aren't attracted to that if that's what, if that's your goal. Like, they just want to feel good around you. They don't care how many degrees that you, that you have or anything like that. It's Working against you. Right.

And also, a degree is not, like, an indicator of your ability to be a good partner in a relationship. You know what I mean? It's a lot of the really intangible things that make you a good partner. So, like, I think it's really important that people talk about, like, women especially, like, just talk about the fact that, like, you know, like, what makes you. If, like, beyond all the sort of, like, material achievements and stuff like that, like, what makes you who you are? Like, what is the essence of you? Like, are you a kind person? Are you. Are you somebody who, you know.

Like, is really into sports? Are you, like. Do you know what I mean? Like, just things that are, like, what you need to talk about on your profile. Talk about things that you think make you a good partner that are not necessarily tied to, like, material things and achievements. Right? So I think that's the one thing that I would say for sure. And then also negativity. Like, I think I told you. Like, you always know. Like, I see people all the time where I'm just like, madam, get off the app. You need a break. Okay?

Don't do this. I hate when things. Yeah, girl.

Yes. It's like, do not swipe on me. If you. It's like, whoa, whoa.

Right?

You know, I always say to my clients, do not use your dating profile to speak to the people you don't want. You are talking to the person you do want, right? It's like, why in the world would you be like, oh, if you do not, like, go to church every, like, three times a week if you do not do this, if you don't make this much, then don't swipe on me. It's like, how about you just say, you know, I have a really strong faith, and I would love it if my partner could go, Would have some sort of spiritual practice and be willing to learn about my faith as well as. You know what I mean? Like, why? Like, to me, it's like, do not speak to the people you don't want. You don't want them. Talk to the person you want.

Exactly. But also, like, nobody owes you anything. Absolutely right? And you don't know any of these people to be telling them what they can or cannot do. I think it speaks to a lot of greater things, too, about learning how to express, accept and accept oneself and accept other people, which I think is very important when it comes to dating in a relationship. I wanted to talk about.

This notion of, like, you were talking about, figure out what your essence is. And one of the things that I do with my clients is I have them answer the questions and you can do this. Listeners at home, what makes you special, what makes you unique, and what makes you confident? And then I generally. I generally say, okay, now ask two of your girlfriends and two of your guy friends that same question about you, because women will see you differently than men will see you differently. Incorporate all of those things into your profile. Because the one thing that I also do hate on profiles is when everybody is like, I.

It also signals like, girl, you kind of all about yourself. So you, like, want to switch it up and say, you know, my friends say that I'm this. Or, you know, I've been known to. Or people say this just.

Or I'm known for.

Yeah, exactly. Just to break it up. Because ultimately, like, you're signaling, like, it's all about me. And nobody wants to hear that. Right?

Absolutely. I love that. I think those are fantastic questions. The confidence one is so good. Like, that's a really. That's a great question. I think, like, I completely agree. I think it is really important, like, for you to think about your. And here's the thing, like, sometimes with online dating, like, you know, some. There's a lot of people who.

You know, have a vision or an idea of who they are, right? And sometimes it's not entirely accurate. So the idea of, like, getting feedback from other people or even feedback from folks like you and I, who see tons of dating profiles and work with lots of different types of people, like, it's really important for you to sort of be able to get feedback from. From other folks, to be like, hey, really aggressive or, right. You didn't. You. You haven't talked at all about what you're looking for. You're just talking about, like, how amazing you are, how awesome your life is. It's like, oh, okay, you know, So I do think it is really important, like, to get sort of that outside feedback from people who love you and who want to see you succeed, but then who love you enough to be able to be like, hey, this is not good. I wouldn't add this. Or, hey, you forgot to include this. Like, you're like, you make amazing care packages. You know what I mean? You should tell them that I'm known for making awesome care packages or I'm known for making awesome cocktails at a party, or do you know what I mean? Just really sort of figuring out what makes you special to yourself as well as to the people around you, and then being able to sort of. To surface that in your dating profile again versus the like, I have this and I've accomplished this and I have 10 degrees.

That's exactly what happens. The women usually. Yeah, exactly. The women usually talk about those stuff and then when they ask their friends, they talk about how sweet they are and it's always this huge contrast and so really interesting exercise. Yeah, I love that people are like seeing you.

Yeah, I love that. That's such a great, those are such great questions.

The other thing that I think is really important on a profile is also to like engage the reader. So I have some of my clients also like talk about themselves but like ask the person who's reading the profile about like what they're talking about. So for example, if you love to go to wine bars and brunch places and karaoke places, then I want you on your profiles to be asking like, what are your favorite places to go to give the reader something to grasp onto.

Absolutely.

Talk to me a little bit about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I completely agree. Like, I think for me, and this doesn't work with all of my clients because some of them are a little bit less, a little bit more homebody than you know, and have like some more sort of home based interests. But for the ones who are a little bit more adventurous, I'm always like, okay, so like what? So for instance, one of the questions that I ask my clients is like, are there any sort of activities or hobbies or things that you don't currently do that you would event like that you want to do? Right, Any sort of hobbies that you'd like to take up or you know, would want to take up with the partner and things like that. And then like phrase a question around that. So for a perfect example, I.

Had a client whose goal was to run like I think it was a 5 or 10k. And I basically like advised her to, you know, ask a question like I'm getting ready to like run a fight. I want to get ready to run a 5k next year. Any tips? Question mark, do you know what I'm saying? And leaving that sort of open ended option for people to engage. Right. And to be quite honest with you, like, and I remember she came back to me and she was like, you know, the men who answered that question, like A, it showed her that they'd read the profile, right? And then B, you know, she was able to sort of weed out the men who were just kind of like manslating her and then the other ones who were like, oh yeah, you know, I'm actually trying to, like. I'm trying to, like, run a 5k, a 10k too. This is what I've tried. You know what I mean? Like, they were able to sort of, like, it gives them, like, a soft place to sort of enter into the conversation. So I completely agree. I think that's really important.

I love that. Okay, girl, we have. I would not be doing my job if we did not talk about the good apps, the bad apps, the ugly apps, you know, because I think everybody wants to hear about that. So talk to me about the apps that you absolutely love.

So, okay, so.

And then also in general. And then give me the black woman lens, girl. Because, you know, it's a different world. Yeah, it's a different world.

Yeah.

Like Madame Aretha told us. Anyways.

So, okay, so one of the apps that I really like, and again, it depends on which city that you are in, because obviously not all apps are popular in all cities. So I'm in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and Hinge is a very popular app here. And I find I really like Hinge. So I work in my sort of regular day job. I work in tech. And I love Hinge for a couple of reasons. Number one, very simple, very clean, easy to use, large text, and really clear about how to create a profile and things like that. And then also gives you a little bit of control, even in the free option, about to be able to sort of refine what it is that you're looking for and set locations and things like that. And I find that when it comes to. And because, again, like, you know, I am open to dating people of all, like, backgrounds, right? Like, I want love. So I'm like, even on my profile, I'll say things like, you know, I date men of all backgrounds and like, physicalities who date all women of backgrounds, different backgrounds and physicalities, right? And so for me, I find that the diversity and the range of men on Hinge is much better right now. As a black woman, you know, I have lots of black female clients who will be like, I want to be with a black man in Toronto. Hinge is much better in terms of the availability of black men than some of the other dating apps. So that's like one of my, I would say my top favorite for just in general and then also for specifically, like, a single black woman who dates men who wants to meet more other men. So in my city as well, Bumble is really good. But I gotta tell you, if you are looking for, like, racial diversity on Bumble, not great. It's just it's just a very. I didn't love my Bumble experience. It felt. I remember I'd posted something on my social media where I basically was like, Bumble felt like a digital Abercrombie and Fitch store, you know, like, where it was just like, okay, this is very, you know, it was just very, you know, white preppy. And, like, I just was like, there's not a lot of, like, diversity here in terms of the types of men that I'd be interested in. And so.

And also, too, I find that, like. And I don't know, like, you can tell me what you think about this.

Of course.

I find that Bumble has really. Because Bumble's approach is that the women should message first. There's been like a weird, like, almost like a laziness that has set in with men across all dating apps where they don't. They don't message first. Do you know what I mean? Like, even if they're not on Bumble, sometimes they don't message first where you're just like, like, hello. You know, engage with me. Right. There's, like, kind of this, like, expectation and things like that.

Well, I'm like. I'm like a huge. I'm like, anti Bumble.

Are you?

Yeah, I don't like it because of that fact that the men that are on there are generally lazier, are generally more entitled, and generally have more narcissistic and or toxic traits. Yes, absolutely. And might be a little bit more insecure than your average guy on your average app. Right. And the way that I want my. The women that I work with to date is I want them to see and have the investment of the person first and foremost, and then figure out if they want to match with them. And Bumble is like, not that.

Yeah. And we also know that, like, you know, if you look at some of the data from Bumble, a lot of men. Because the women have to message first. There's a lot of men who will literally swipe right on absolutely every single profile. Right.

Files.

Yeah. So, you know, I'm with you. I don't. I don't. I think, like. Like, if you are a, you know, a.

If you are a white girl that's 23 years old.

Yep, yep. I would say anything under 30. Bumble. Bumblebees.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. If you are, like, not petite, not white, not under the age of 30, I just don't. It's not great. Right. And so.

Well, I want to say this too, because I have had.

I want to say curvier. Clients that have felt more empowered working through Bumble and just getting that practice. And so sometimes what I like to do is like, girl, let's go on Bumble for a couple of weeks. Like, let's shoot your shot. Knowing that there's like, this is nothing. Like, we're just practicing the act of doing that and showing up. And I think it's a great space for that, to be able to practice that without understanding or wanting any sort of expectation.

Absolutely.

When we're used to doing it and it's like, nothing, okay, girl, let's go back to where we want to go and then let's see the people come in. But let's also shoot our shot and let's also engage in these other platforms.

Yeah, I agree. I completely agree with you. I think, like, I never discourage people from using it. I just want to make sure that I level set and I. That I manage my client's expectations. Right. If they. In terms of just the demographic that they're generally gonna find on Bumble.

Right.

Like, I've used Bumble lots of different times and lots of different scenarios for myself and for other people. And I just find that consistently it's the same sort of like, challenge. There's not enough diversity. Very young, again, very lazy men and very entitled men, you know, in terms of just, like, the way that they engage. So the next dating app that I want to highlight, and again, this one depends on where you live. Again, OkCupid is like one of those. One of the longtime, original sort of like dating apps that's been around for a really long time. And so I think, like, I think OkCupid is decent for much older people, but you have to be very, very clear about what you're looking for and set good parameters. Right. Especially if you're going to be using sort of like the free version, I don't mind it because, again, I find the diversity is actually pretty good. I find that it does tend to skew a little bit older for women who want older men or older women too, older partners in general. And it's been around long enough that, like, a lot. I actually know quite a few coup in real life who have met through OkCupid. And so that's another one I would say in terms of just like my faves, I would say hinge would certainly be my number one next for like an older demographic. I would say if you want free OkCupid. So match used to be one of the ones that I really liked. But I find that, like, with the sort of flooding of, like, free dating apps. Match is not what it used to be in terms of the options available for people. Right. So it's slower, which for some folks is really great. But the numbers. There's less numbers on Match as well. But I do like it as one of the paid.

I do want to say this really quickly because I think Match in Canada is different than match in the U.S. absolutely. And so I'm saying that because the numbers of Match in the US are huge, but in Canada are super low. Right. So again, it depends regionally because Match is not number one.

Yeah.

Number two. And OkCupid is number three because, yeah, everybody under the sun in US match.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. So depends geographically.

Yeah, absolutely. So I would definitely say if you are in Canada, I would not recommend match.com but if you are a Canadian single who likes. Let's say you're looking for an American man. Match in the US is excellent. To be quite honest with you, every dating app in the US is better than it is in Canada. Like, they're just. We. They just. There's just more numbers there. So. Yeah, absolutely. So I would say. But I do like Match. I do find that there's a different. There is a different. And mind you not to say that it's perfect. You are still going to meet people who, you know, are not there for the same reasons that you're there. But, like, I do find that people who are willing to pay for the service. Right. Are sometimes a little bit more serious, more intentional or like. Yeah. In terms of just like the online dating. So that's what I would say. But again, it is super, super important that you think about where you are regionally. So I know, like in the uk, I believe that Tinder is, like, really, really popular, like, across the uk. Right. And so Tinder is like one of the apps that a lot of people use here in Toronto, especially if you're like, you know, a black woman and you're over the age of 30. No, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know about that. You know, so that's kind of that. And in terms of just like my absolutely no go zones when it comes to dating apps. I'm sorry, Plenty of fish is the sewer. The sewer of dating apps. It is truly awful. Like, you know, and it's so funny because I actually have about two really good friends who met their husbands on plenty of fish. But that was like, almost like, I would say anywhere between six to ten years ago. Right. It was bad then. It's even Worse now. So I'd like, those are the ones where I always say to my clients, like, absolutely, absolutely not. You know, and then I would say also Tinder. Like, so again, that depends on what my clients are looking for. If they just want something like, really casual, they want an opportunity to date lots of different people.

Yeah.

You know, sort of, kind of. They're not looking for something necessarily, like a little bit more serious or, you know, long term, then, sure, Tinder is great, but it's not. I wouldn't recommend it. Like, it's not one of the apps where I'm like, oh, I think you're gonna have lots of success here, because I just don't. I haven't found. That's been experience.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Good. Well, I'm glad that we had that conversation because I think I get so many questions about that and people don't know, like, what to do. And I tell them about certain apps are like, I've never heard about him. Yeah, let's figure it out.

You get the what's the best dating app? And I'm like, madam, I don't. There is no best dating app. You've just like, here's the top three. Here's why I think they're good. Go, like, go through them. Right. I'm a big fan of like trying different ones, like at different time periods. Right. And just kind of seeing where you. Where you are.

Because there is no best dating app. It's how you use it. Just like if you go to the gym, there's not like a best exercise bike or weight. It's all in how you use it, how you work it.

Absolutely.

Right.

Absolutely. So, girl, work it.

Oh, my gosh. Okay, so talk to me a little bit about. You have a part of your service where you are messaging for your clients.

Girl.

So talk to me a little bit about what that looks like. And like, what sort of messages are your go tos in terms of starting a conversation?

Well, so that particular service is called My Dating Doula. So that's like the full service VIP package that I offer to folks and essentially what I wanted. And it's so funny because, like, I remember when I first introduced it, people were like, aren't you just like a glorified catfish? And I'm like, no, how dare you.

So essentially what I do is like, if you, let's say you were a client of mine and you wanted the My Dating Doula service. And so what we do is we do like a three hour intake session where I really sit down And I get to know you. So we go through like an intake survey. We also do sort of like almost like a scoring exercise where I find out like, what are the things that you're looking for in a partner? And not just like the physical stuff, like the real sort of deep, intangible, emotional things that are like really important to you and deal breakers and things like that. And then like we do sort of like, I think it's very similar to what you described as like your funnel, right? Where it's like, okay, based on all this criteria that you said that you were looking for, what are some of the things that you want to know? Like how do I as like your dating doula, know when it's, when it's appropriate to move someone to the next stage to let's say a phone call or a video call and things like that. And so within the three hour intake session is when I really seriously sit down to get to know you. I want to make sure that like I sort, I, even by listening to the way that you communicate, I'm able to sort of reflect that in the way that I write and communicate with people back and forth and things like that. Right. And so once like you're all set up and things like that, you, you have the choice to, I can do the online dating for you in 30 days, renewable intervals or you can pay up to a full 90 days and we can do it like that. And then within that time we do like either weekly check ins or bi weekly check ins, depending on whatever your schedule and availability is. And so for me, one of the things like I'm a big advocate of, like, especially for the, for my clients who are not so comfortable messaging first or not too comfortable on dating apps, I'm like, like is like I, if I'm your dating doula because there's like a less, I guess like emotional tension or emotional, there's like a less emotional weight there. I'm always like, I have no problem messaging people first on your behalf and things like that. Right. And so that's something that I'll do very often. I'll start with something simple. I always like try to.

Like talk about something in their profiles, whether it's about something in their photo or whether it's like something in their bio or whether it's just like in response to a comment that they made on their profile. That's usually always sort of the first intro or sometimes if like they don't have anything to really grasp onto in their profile, I'll say something like, so, for instance, like, I don't know if you've noticed this, but, like, a lot of men, for some reason, do not smile in their dating profile photos. Like, they're just, like, scowling.

They're all trying to be hard girl.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, no. Right. And so whenever I see, like, a man who fits sort of, like, my client criteria and they're smiling, I always say, oh, hey, name. Like, really? You have a really beautiful smile. It's so rare to see men smiling on dating apps. That's, like, a common one that I use whenever I see somebody who kind of matches and is like, oh, this person's smiling and this person has a beautiful smile. Or I'll just say, hey, beautiful smile. But usually it's. I'm just reacting to something in the profile, and if that's not the case, then I'll be like, you know, great photos. Or, like, I saw that you went here, but you know what I mean? Like, just something related to their profile.

Yeah. So it seems like you're going for complimentary. Nice. Do you ever go for. Because I tell my clients, you know, you can approach these men in however way you want to approach them. So sometimes if they're not smiling, I want them to be like, no smile in these pictures.

Yeah, I do that, too. Yeah.

Because we want to tease them. Because teasing is also flirting.

Yeah, absolutely. So, like, in the instance where someone kind of has, like, you know, they're trying to, like, scowling, trying to look hard pictures, I'll say something like, let's say the person's name is Mike. Be like, hey, Mike, you're so handsome. Like, it's a shame that you're not smiling in any of your photos. Right.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

And just kind of, like, as an opener there. Right. So, like, I think where possible, my approach is mostly complimentary. But again, like, if there's somebody that I find attractive, I don't think there's. Especially, like, sometimes you can really gauge, like, a person's sense of humor based on what they've written in their profile.

Right.

So I think it's really important to.

Send an opening message or respond to a message based on, like, almost, like, matching the tone of the humor or the tone of their profile. Things like that.

Yeah. I like to lean in toward the more, like, poking, because there's so much compl. There's so many compliments out there.

Yes. Yes.

You break through the noise a bit.

Yes.

And you, like, stand out when you kind of call these Men out.

So.

Absolutely. Yeah. So I love to go that route, too.

Yeah. Another one that I really love, too is, like, often men will say things like, oh, like, I'm really good at making this, or I can blah, blah, blah, barbecue or whatever. And you're. And, like, a good opener is like, I bet I could, like, bet you can't barbecue like me, you know? Or like, you know, like, bet you can't. Bet you can't handle my secret hot sauce or. You know what I mean? Like, just like, to kind of, like, as an example of what you're talking about, right? Where you're just like, okay, sir, challenge acceptance.

Let's do this.

Yes, you have the best thing.

No, I got the best thing. Playful.

Yeah, exactly.

What would you say for. Because, you know all these lazy men that we were talking about on these ads, we'll just give you, like, because, you know, men online date differently. They'll go through apps. They'll say, hey to, like, 20, 30 women and see what comes back and then evaluate. Right? Yeah. So what do you say for women that get these just, like, the heys or the hey, beautifuls, what sort of responses should we be giving there?

Oh, I don't respond.

No respond at all.

I don't respond. I don't respond at all. Like, or sometimes what I'll do. So, for instance. Okay, I shouldn't say I don't respond. I will take a look at the profile, right? And if there's like. Like, if there's a. If there's potential in the profile, if I see something where I'm just like, oh, like, this person seems, like, kind and interesting, but clearly has no idea how to talk to women on an online dating profile, I'll respond, which is possible.

Ladies, I just want to let you know.

Yes, absolutely. Men are not great on the online dating tips.

Yeah. So know that going into it.

Yeah, absolutely. So. So what I would say is, like, so for. If I. If I look at. If you send me a hey or hey, beautiful, and I look at your profile, and I'm just like, no, you know, I will not respond. But if I see something there, you know, physical attraction or just some sort of depth in the profile, I'll say, like, you know, let's say again, well, you.