Dating Forgiveness

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, ladies. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. It's me, Coach Anwar. Have you missed me? I think that you have. I've taken a month break on TikTok as well as this podcast. I've been busy, you know, getting this book deal, talking to agents, things like that. That's busy work. Pitching this TV show. It's busy work, but somebody's got to do it at the end of the day. I have been serving my clients, I've been serving my ladies, and I wanted to give you a sneak peek in terms of what it would look like to work with me in a group call that we had recently. And it was all about forgiveness, how to forgive ourselves, and why is it so hard for us while we are dating? So, without further ado, I hope this is helpful for you.

One of the things that I know for sure is that dating can be really hard when you're still feeling guilty or feeling shame around some of your past experiences. Right? Oh, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have been in that relationship too long. I should have never got married. I should have never slept with that guy. Right. I should have. Should have never let him come back into my life. I should have never let them X, Y and Z. Yeah.

Do we have a lot of very intense shoulda, coulda wouldas that come up for you while dating? Let me know in the chat. Are there things that are happening?

Should have never trusted him Someone said, ooh, child, I'm getting a lot of yeses Always.

Should have never dated him for that long. Lots of guilt and shame Wasting time I've noticed it's hard for me to not be critical of myself with these mistakes should have swiped left.

Girl yes, because I said shouldn't have given him another chance. Yeah. Should have been more honest with how I felt should have known better.

I knew they were all the same should have known they were lying should have been able to tell should have seen the red flag should have left sooner should have taken it more slowly should have waited.

Should have trusted myself more should have given less Keep it going, ladies. Keep it going.

Yeah. Should have set boundaries.

Yeah.

Should have spoken up.

Are we resonating with some of these? Does it. Is it feeling true? Is it feeling authentic to you and your dating experience? So I wish I would have found this program years ago. Should have focused on what pleased me and not him. Yes. Should have told people around me. Yeah. Should have known my worth should have been less forgiving should have not compromised should have said hell no.

Yeah. Should have gone with my gut.

Yeah.

Here's what I know should have, shouldn't have sacrificed my needs.

Here'S what I know.

Should have centered my comfort versus theirs yeah. Should have said how I really felt.

I love this. I'm hoping that you all are getting inspired by this. Shouldn't have gone back.

The reason why I am we're doing this exercise is because we are living with a lot of the shouldas or shouldn't haves all day, every day while we are dating.

And ultimately what that means and what that looks like is.

One, it makes you more defensive in dating.

But two.

When you carry this along with you, it lowers your own self perception of yourself and it makes you less confident in dating. You can't know things that you don't know.

You can't. It's like going to law school and then trying to perform surgery. The interesting thing about most of the things that you all have shared in the chat, and by the way, thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable and participating is that most of the time we know intellectually.

We might know these things intellectually, but we don't know them emotionally.

And so. And that's the interesting thing about dating and love and relationships. That because you think you know it here, that you should have known it here.

And you can't because mo. Our intellectual age is different than our emotional age.

So in the chat, let me know what's your emotional age?

And this is when that traumatic thing happened. So my emotional age was nine years old when my dad abandoned me.

Yeah.

Scroll. 8, 8, 12, 5, 6, 14, 7, 8, 8, 12.

I want to see more ages, ladies. 10. I know many of us have not thought about it in this way, but I think it's important for you to put it and reframe it in this way. 17, 15, 5, 16, 15 to 18, 15, 15, 10, 7. 18, 15, 7, 15, 5, 22.

Is emotional age something that is permanent? Not necessarily.

Not if you do the work. If you don't do the work, girl, you stay in there.

Right? Why am I saying this? 9, 5, 10, 11, 12, 23. Because what's happening is.

You are thinking, you are shaming yourself because you are using your current age as the barometer of whether you should have known or not.

And you can't do that.

You actually have to use your emotional age.

Are y' all hearing me?

So I asked this of you. Let me scroll back up because y' all were giving me a lot of shoulders. Should have gone with my gut. Shouldn't have made excuses. Would you say that to a five year old?

Would you say that to an 8 year old? Would you blame a 12 year old for that?

Would you?

12 year olds get grace 100%.

So why can't you?

Why can't you get grace in your emotional age?

I clapped.

Said I felt that.

Very important, very important. Because we're thinking I am all of 35, 40 years old and I can't believe that I'm making these mistakes.

Girl, you're eight.

No shade, you're eight years old. You just learn your times tables. Girl, you're eight. Now what?

I'm sharing this so that we can have more grace with ourselves and more compassion for the little girl that's inside that is leading her love life.

Because for many of us in these moments, it's the little girl that's managing this love life because love and dating and relationship, it's 90% emotional.

Yeah.

That'S what this is about.

We are all so hard on ourselves.

And we love, we, we, we learned it oftentimes from our mothers. And so part of this process is allowing.

Allowing these things to be, but also accepting them in a way where you get to allow yourself to live this experience.

Here's what I know and I want to talk about it from a black perspective, a black lived experience. But this is important because.

Historically what has happened is when you get in trouble.

It'S your fault.

If you were out past 10pm, historically speaking, and those white boys saw you and kicked your ass, it was your fault because you were outside at 10pm.

And we use the same logic even in our everyday. Now I'm sharing this with you so you understand the context in terms of why you're doing what you're doing.

Because this is programming.

Right? I want to create awareness right now so that we can start to break that pattern.

That some of our, some of our parents will blame you. Oh, you fell. You shouldn't have done that.

You shouldn't have been standing on one leg. You shouldn't have done X, Y and Z. Shouldn't have been running around this house Right.

There's a different lived experience.

Outside of this community.

That when one of our counterparts is doing that and they fall, they don't get that.

Often. Not all the time, but more often they get. Oh, my God. Baby, are you okay? Oh, my God. What can I do for you? Oh, my God. Let's get that band aid. Let's get that ice immediately.

Again, I just want to share this with you in terms of the context and why you might be hard on yourself. It stops today.

Because you're not hard on these kids. You're not. You're not hard on 8 year olds. You might be a little strict because you kind of have to be no shade. But there's a level of compassion and grace that happens when we're talking about children that we're not giving to ourselves. And I want you to give that to yourself.

Okay, let me just look at what's happening in this chat here. Say giving yourself grace. I said my mom was critical. Said, this is so emotional. Yeah. That I find that my kids mirror me the most, which is my ammunition to change. Said, I've also been thinking about this a lot. I've had my heart broken so completely when I was 20 by a guy who I met when I was 17. I was a baby when I met him. Why get mad at myself for not knowing what to do? No one taught you how to date.

So how could you expect to know where the minds are, where the bombs are? But for some reason, you're. You're putting some sort of expectation on yourself. I should have known.

Really? Really. Who taught you?

Who taught you that? You should have known that.

He said, eldest daughter here. Everything and still is my fault to my parents. Let it go.

The reason why I say this and the reason why you might have heard me in this program talk a lot about. I don't want you saying sorry to these men. I know it sounds crazy, but it is. Because I don't want you putting yourself at fault, especially for things that are not your fault. And because you have been socialized and programmed to think that most of the things are your fault, you're going to naturally say sorry. Even if it's not your thing. It's a pattern we got to break.

It's not. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry I'm late. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for waiting for me.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't respond to your message in a prompt manner. Thank you so much for your patience.

Yeah.

I said socially, black people are not seen as children.

Yeah, 100%.

Said I received no grace as a child. Do you understand? My son gets all the grace. I love that I'm a sucker for him. Gotta be a sucker for me, too. That's right. For those single moms out there, whatever you give into your child, you should be given to yourself. True story.

The treats that you get them, the presents that you get them, the patience that you give them, all of that.

Said. Yep. Just learning. Dating now.

Yep. He said I always just had to know. Said I should have known this. Why I feel stupid when it doesn't work out. Yeah, you would never call a child stupid. Never.

Girl, no shit. I couldn't even say that word when I was growing up. I don't know about y'. All. I couldn't say stupid, and I couldn't say shut up.

Wouldn't do it. So you can't do it to yourself now.

Yeah.

I'm seeing a lot of women in here talking about how critical their mother was. Let's talk about that for a second, because this is. This is, I hope, is your. Is your pathway to forgiveness of yourself.

What I know for sure, or what I. Let me just say what I know in doing this work is that a lot of black mothers are critical, very judgmental. Part of it is because they. They know that you got to be perfect if you're going to survive and thrive in this world. So let's honor that truth.

The. Well, raise my own hand. The other part of it is trauma.

Trauma.

Meaning society has shitted on me. And because I've been shitted on, I want to shit on someone. Sorry for the language, but I hope y' all are getting my drift.

And so the criticism that you all are receiving is because society criticized her.

All day, every day. Just like society is probably in many different ways criticizing you.

Why am I talking about this? I'm talking about this because, one.

You'Re gonna have to forgive yourself.

Forgiving yourself actually breaks the pattern.

Of critic.

You're gonna have to forgive yourself. You're gonna have to forgive yourself. Because if you can't give yourself the grace and compassion, you won't be able to do it for other people. And when you can't do it for other people, if you can't accept other people, you're gonna. You're never gonna connect with them, and you can never truly love them, because love is acceptance. It's not criticism. Even though that's how many of us were raised and that might be your bonding pattern.

I'm being deadass right now.

A lot of you all are connecting with men by the way that you try to criticize them because this is what you learned, what love was. Because that's what mom did. Can't do that.

Can't do that.

You will go a lot further in your dating life when you can forgive yourself and accept yourself. And when you're able to do that, you're able to accept other people as they are.

Yeah.

I'm going to stop a little bit. I would love to hear if anybody wants to share kind of how they've received this. Anything that's on their mind or their heart, their.

8, 10, 12, 15 year old heart.

Yeah, that. Serious question, do black men have a coach Anwar, helping them through these issues so they can also date better? It feels like a burden of work is on black women. So. Great question. The thing is.

It'S not our responsibility to figure out who's doing their work and who's not. Your responsibility is your work. I hear what you're saying, but the reason why I'm responding in this way is because.

One, I think the final is going to knock a lot of these guys out. But two.

Most men.

Aren'T doing the work. That's why most men won't get through the funnel and why most men are not relationship ready.

We're doing this work so that you can align with men that actually have done this work, either formally or informally.

So I want to share that perspective because if we're focused on, oh, he's got to do the work, he's got to do the work they've got, they don't have to do anything. That's not our job. We don't need to control other people. As my mother would say, you got to mind your own business.

Right. And I don't mean that to be flippant or dismissive. What I mean is I want to make sure that we're focused on ourselves because we can't control whether they're doing their work or not. Now, with that said, I will say this. A lot of black men do this work informally, right? In their weekly basketball games, when they go to the barbershop, they're having these conversations after church, things like that.

But we can't be focused on what men or whoever you're dating, what they're doing.

Because like I said before, 80% of them aren't doing it. And if you're focused on the 80% trying to change them, you might miss the 20%.

Yeah. Said, I think a lot of men want love too. But maybe traumatized, too. And don't, I think, seek each other out for help? Yeah, I'm focused on y'. All. Respectfully speaking. I don't care about them. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that in a. I want to feel your cup. I want to make sure you're doing the healing work. Because what I know for sure is that when you're healed up, all of these.

People who haven't done the work won't even be on your radar.

You won't even be able to see them wondering when you're here. And they're still dealing with issues that are down here, vibrationally speaking.

Yeah.

So I just want to offer that.