Dating Q & A 04-02-24

I just exhaled.

I think I need some music.

Hello, hello, hello.

Welcome. Good to see everyone.

I hope everyone is doing well. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I hope everyone is doing well. Happy Tuesday. Tea. What's tea? What's tea? What's tt.

Hey, Tarara. China says she's not doing well. What's the tea, Girl, what's going on? Hey, Milagros. Hey, Justice. Eclectic. Hey, Abby. Hey, Transparency.

Oh, ig, let me know if you can hear me.

A diamond said, your skin is glowing. Thank you, girl.

Can y' all hear me? Ig, hey, Brandy. Hey, Reina. Hey, Lona.

Hey, Autumn. Hey, Sashi. Hey, scary, scary. Hey, Laura. Hey, Karen.

Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello, everyone. Good to see you all. Now, for those of you that don't know me, my name is Coach Anwar. I'm a dating coach for black and brown women, and I help people get their guy. Yes. So I'm going to be on here for a little bit. My session tonight with my clients ran a little bit later, so I'm just going to be on here for an hour and we're going to see what the tea is. Yeah. What's really going on. So if you're new here, put your questions in the chat and then I will answer them in the order that I see them and we'll go from there, you know? Yeah.

If you're interested in learning more about what I do, definitely click the link in my bio. I have a link for my podcast. I have a link for free trainings. I have a link for to book a consultation. Call if you want to work with me professionally. All of that. AJ Said, should I sell my soul for love? No, girl, don't do that, girl. That's what Ariel did and the Little Mermaid and it barely worked out for her in a Disney movie.

Yeah.

So that's that on that. Okay, let me see what's what. What y' all asking about? Lexi said, my favorite dating coach. Thank you, girl. Angie said, you're just starting. I am. Hey, Sarah. Green tea. Goody said, where have you been, girl? I am.

Arrested this weekend, girl. I rested. Patty said, hope our fairy godbrother as well. I am doing really well. Thank you. Yeah.

Awesome, awesome, awesome. Chrissy said, hey, coach, we got good news. What's the news, girl? What's the news? Hey, little pretty Lulu. Hey, baby Sunny. Yes, I finally got notified. Awesome. Hey, Bricasso.

Yeah. Jordan said, I got my notification tonight. Happy Tuesday. I got my teacup ready. Yes. Let's get it. Let's get it, ladies. Let's get it. Oh, my gosh. Y' all already asking these questions. I need to get on it. I'm already late. I'm late, I'm late.

Okay, let me see what we're talking about. Hello, Falana.

Brightest light said, omg. You're representing my country. Oui, oui, madame.

The Chelane effect Met a new guy. He's coming on strong two weeks in. Should I be scared? Is it game? Well, is he Nigerian?

No. You have to pace this shit like, this is your love life, and you get to let him know. What's important is that you're gonna have to share your feelings with him and set a boundary, and the boundary needs to be. You know, I love that we get to hang out, and I love, you know, getting to know you. But I will say that I'm feeling a little bit pressured by X, y, and Z. And then name some of the things that you're saying, and I would love for us to just slow down a little bit after that. We're going to see how he responds to that boundary and if he respects that boundary over the next couple of weeks and if he doesn't, let him go.

Yeah. Okay. Kat said, do you have any advice for dating autistic men? It really depends on where they are in the spectrum, though, right? Because different levels require different skills.

A band said, I love how sweet and tender you are when talking to us.

It's all I know. I try my best. You know, there's research out there that says that, you know, that the way that people learn best is through gentle love and care and not, like, how many of us might have grown up, which is, like, this authoritarian, like, screaming at you do this. Or else, like, threats and things like that. Like, there are a lot of.

Internet personalities out there that have that sort of presence, which I actually think is a little bit manipulative, because what they're doing is they're actually.

Kind of poking at many of our triggers and traumas that, like, will put your brain in a way where it's like, oh, my God, my dad's talking to me or my mom's talking to me, and I need to listen. Right. It's interesting how some. Some. Some people do that. Busy, Missy. Thank you so much for the rose, girl.

Sarah said, how do I respond to a text from a guy who has ghosted me? I haven't responded. Nor should you.

Whenever I am, when I'm coaching women, one of the things that I always tell them to ask themselves when they're in situations and they don't know what to do. And this will answer half of your questions, by the way.

Would my future husband do this?

Your future husband would never ghost you, girl. So.

When it's up. When it's up. When it's up and it's out.

Okay, let me see what the IG girls are talking about. I want to ask my mortgage specialist out, but I don't know if he's even interested.

Tell him you have some questions about your mortgage and that you want to talk about it. Over lunch.

Mr. Reason T said, I need my fairy godbrother right now. How do I stop ending up with unavailable and low effort men? By becoming emotionally available. If you're emotionally unavailable, you will not just attract but actually choose unavailable men because it is easier to engage with those men. One on your side because you don't have to be emotional, which is something that you might have fear around and then he doesn't either. So it's actually an easier relationship for you. All your job is actually to learn how to be vulnerable and have the emotional confidence to be able to do it. When you do that, you're actually going to repel those guys because they don't even know how to hold space for you. They are like, oh, my God. Emotions, feelings. I can't do it. I'm out. Right? That's how you do it. And it's one of the things that I teach in my program, like how to be vulnerable, the framework around that, how to communicate it, what language you should use. All of that. Yeah. Okay.

Justice said, I'm completely cut off of all dating. Lmao. I'm so over it at this point. Sounds like, girl, we need to take a break. If you're over it, let it go.

Yeah. You're never gonna hear me say power through dating. You actually won't get great results when you try to power through in dating.

Caddy said, my match brought up Diddy unprovoked, then went quiet when I expressed disapproval. That's telling, girl.

That is. We gotta be thankful for that. When these men show their ass, I want you to be thankful for it. I don't want you to be like, oh my God, the audacity. I can't believe he did that. No. Oh my God. Thank you so much, the universe, God, whatever, for showing me this guy and. And how much of a. How foolish he can be before I get invested. Yeah. So the response is, oh, my God, thank you so much for showing me.

Taisha. Thank you so much for the heart Me, girl.

Cali girl in the boot. Said, I love it when I see your life. Thank you. Girl.

I'm glad that you're here.

Fonda said, hi, amore. Hey girl. Good to see you. Shine said, I met a new guy. Okay, wait, I entered that already.

Okay.

I'm so lost. Right? Falana said, Ariel just escaped. Right? Girl, don't do it. Don't sell your soul.

Heart Said I have post notifications on I love your lives and videos, but I'm white in a five year relationship. I'm glad that my videos are helping you grow. Yeah. Madison, I've had a long time crush on a boy my entire junior year of college. What should I do?

Study abroad? Girl, get out. I know that when you study abroad you're gonna have this boy is just a boy. He's kind of like a non factor. You get to have a crush on him. But I actually want you to like study abroad and like have five boyfriends.

I swear, when you come back, he's gonna, he's not gonna be anything. Once you have those boyfriends, girl, study abroad, learn a new language, put that on your resume and and get 10 to $20,000 more for your first job.

Chris Stack said, did the family do an egg hunt? We do it every year, girl. You already know.

Fiona said only got notified on insta. Oh.

Step Stepanish said, don't come at my country.

I'm not coming at your country.

I'm just letting people know that that is the way that a lot of Nigerian men operate.

And everybody on this chat knows it, girl. And you know it too, if you're being honest with yourself.

Kim Swift said, I'm so glad you're here. Thank you, girl. Sarah said, there is a guy I've been texting, but he hasn't asked me out yet. How do I go about this? If he hasn't asked you out in a week, he's out.

It's not your job to try to make a man ask you out, girl. That's bullying. We don't bully.

Yeah.

And said, I love your videos. Any advice on dating as a single mother? Yeah, one of the things I always say is like you need to take off the mother hat and put on the woman hat. And what I mean by that is like when you're a single mom, oftentimes what will happen is that you will always be in your masculine energy because you have to take care of everything. And so what what that means is that oftentimes you will treat these men as if they are one of Their. Your kids. And you'll be barking orders at them. You'll be trying to take care of them because that's just your natural inclination. You're gonna have to stop doing all of that. Yeah. Which is like a very stark difference from your everyday life. And it can be hard to do that. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's, that's the work more than anything else, obviously.

Get a babysitter's club too, girl, so that you can start to go out and you don't have the excuse of. Oh, but I don't have a babysitter. No. You should have at least three people on standby.

Just in case.

Let me see.

Mercedes said, it's my favorite dating coach, Hamworth. Hey, girl. Good to see you.

Hello, Sharon. Mariana Said, omg. I need your help. I'm glad that you make this kind of content. Love you. Thank you, girl. But where are the questions, ladies? Okay, I need to go to IG because these girls are asking questions. The Renee King said, I met a guy, but it's long distance. Who should go to whom first? He should always come to you. Always.

Always. Getting flown out or flew out is not the flex. That's more of your time, more of your energy, more of your labor. If he cares about you, he'll come to you. Let him do the work. A diamond in the flesh said, where can I meet an established man that's ready for a relationship? Well, please understand this. 90% of the guys that are single are not ready for a relationship and they're not in a specific place. Right. So part of what you're going to need to do, and I say this all of the time, but I think it's really important. Dating is not for the people that are going to half ass. Like, you're going to have to have a hundred conversations to find your person. This is on average.

And many of us are literally quitting after talking with 20 guys.

And when you start and stop, you will lose all of your momentum. And when you start again, you literally have to start from zero.

So as you're dating, please understand you want to pace yourself. Many of y' all are going hard on the dating on the apps all the time out every, you know, three times a week or whatever, go out once a week, be on the apps, 10 minutes a day, 15 minutes a day. This is a marathon. It's not a sprint.

In terms of establishment, establishment are everywhere. You can meet an establishment in a coffee shop. You can meet an establishment everywhere you go. This is about the sort of energy that you're bringing to the places that you go. Right. Obviously, you can go to conferences, you can go to, you know, different cigar lounges, you can go to country clubs, you can go to hotel lounges, you can go to airport lounges. Right.

Please understand, though, that just because he's established doesn't mean he's a good partner. And obviously you know that. But I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't reiterate that because so many people are so hyper focused on, does he have money, Is he stable? That sometimes we will turn a blind eye to some of the other more emotional aspects of a relationship.

Fancy Free said, I'm ready for the tea. I know that's right, girl. Abby said, I'm getting discouraged about dating. Many people are getting discouraged about dating because dating is the hardest that it's ever been and it is probably not going to get easier. That's why a lot of people are bowing out. A lot of people are thinking about or focused on this 4B movement, which I call 4M.

But yeah.

Someone said, I'm dating a closeted man. Should I do it or should I love myself? Girl, Love yourself.

Girl. What? As someone who has dated closeted men, nothing good can come of it. We, you're going to have to prioritize and love your journey, your healing, your boundaries more than you might like or love your attention.

Yeah.

And that's sometimes hard if you grow up. If you grew up in an environment where you didn't get as much attention as you wanted growing up. And that's often the case for many black and brown individuals. Just because our parents worked a lot, or sometimes we came from single parent households and obviously our single parent was working a lot. So there's this deep, deep emotional relationship need around attention. And so if you have that, you will lean into.

Anyone in your dating life that's giving you attention. Right. Intellectually you might know better, but emotionally you don't. And so part of your work is learning how to heal some of those inner childs. So you won't continue that pattern. You'll deprogram it and create a new program. A new pattern. That's what I do in my program. If you're interested in learning how to do that, definitely book a call.

Said, I texted a guy I was interested in. He's on vacay and he hasn't responded yet. Am I being ghosted? Well, first, we shouldn't be initiating text messages with guys. Let them, let them reach out to you. Yeah. Different people have different relationships with their vacations. This is the same with holidays, but as well as vacations. Give a little grace to that. Right. And let's see if he. If he reaches out to you after he comes back from vacation. But, ladies, please stop initiating these text messages and these calls. You're literally pursuing men. Don't do that. It's one of the better ways to evaluate whether a man is in his masculine energy. And if he is interested in you, if he pursues you, please understand that a man will never follow.