Dating Q & A 04-20-24

I'm going on live now. What's going on?

We're gonna leave in 30 minutes. I.

You should eat now.

Hey, y'. All. Hello. Hello. Hello.

I hope everyone's doing well. Welcome.

Hi, ladies.

Can you hear me?

I hope you can. Hello, hello, hello.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hello, everyone.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning, my loves. I hope everyone is doing well. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Anwar White. I am a dating coach for black and brown women. They call me Coach Anwar or your fairy God brother. I just wanted to hop in and say a quick hello while I'm eating a very sweet and rich donut.

What questions have we had? Yeah.

Raven said, what's the topic today? What's the topic that you want to talk about? I'm here to talk about all those things and more.

Saturdays are usually my busy day. This is when we take the kids to gymnastics and we take the kids to fencing and ballet and all those other things. So.

You'Re catching me just before I'm going to be doing my traveling thing.

But let me know, ladies, what questions do you have for me? Grace said, how much is a consultation? Consultation is free. 99.

So if your application is approved. So we have pretty strict guidelines around that. Just be so that we can get a really clear understanding of if. Do you, like, do you really want to have professional dating coaching or do you just want a kiki? If you want to kiki, you can come to these lives if you want to understand if, like, hey, I want to work with you professionally. That's what the consultations are for. Yeah.

I think I'm gonna just, like, start to hop on here a bit more randomly. One of the things that I'm. That I have made a conscious effort in doing is like taking a step back from making as many videos on Tick Tock. So, like last year I would, like, make a video every day. And like this year it's maybe one to two times a week. Okay.

I got a lot of other things that I have to focus on right now.

I'm writing my book. I'm bringing in like, so many amazing new clients. And I want to make sure that I'm really holding space for them. I have opened up more coaching spaces for my. My new clients because I have to let you all know something, and it is this.

Dating is harder than it's ever been. And it's going to require a new level of healing and energy. And so I have to kind of step into my programs a little bit more and less into these videos and marketing. If you hear any background noise, that's my daughter. She's making lunch for herself before gymnastics. Yeah, no need to apologize. Make your lunch, girl.

Yeah, so.

That is why you are probably not seeing a lot of videos from me.

Okay, so let me go and see what questions you. You're starting to ask and we'll go from there. Okay.

Let'S see what the questions are. Good morning and hello to everyone. And for anyone that said grand Rising, please leave this live right now. You are not welcome.

Tal Chick said, how are the kids? The kids are thriving. They're doing well. They're growing very fast.

And school year is almost over, which is exciting. We have some plans to do some traveling, both internationally as well as in the States. So super excited about that.

Cecil said, hi from Ireland. Girl, I hope you have three Irish men right there sitting next to you. Honey.

Daniel said, can we talk about dating for single moms? Girl, we talk about it every live. What do you want to talk about exactly?

Paisley said, I want to date a white man. Do it. Girl. You literally can go online right now and go on three dates this weekend.

There's nothing stopping you. You literally can go onto the apps and and say yes to all the white men and say, hi, how's it going? What's going on? And they'll go from there. Ms. Uber said, when to have intimacy in a new relationship. I think it's important to consider that after exclusivity now you're a grown woman and you get to do whatever you want in your love life and in your life. But I know that being intimate before then does not serve you at all. It doesn't help you get to your love goals and it actually makes things harder, not easier.

Rapid fire. Louisa, let's talk about men wasting your time. Well, I think that dating is not a waste of time. It's a waste of time if you don't learn anything from your experiences. The better question that I think is how are you ultimately evaluating these individuals to even engage with them? Because if the evaluation process that you're having is flawed, then yes, it probably is a waste of time. Now, if I'm asking you this and you don't have a very clear cut strategy in terms of how you're interacting and choosing these men, we can't get upset about the men, right? Here's the thing.

It used to be 80%. That's why I was saying I'm leaning into my clients right now, but based on how things are going and the nature of society and culture and. And kind of how the values are being separated between men and women right now. It's probably looking closer to like 90 of the men out there are not relationship ready. So it's actually going to require you to have more of a strategy while you are dating so that you don't get caught up in those 90% of guys and then hate dating and hate, you know, men. Because there are some really great guys out there.

But our job is to find them. Our job is not to, like, engage with the 90% of them that are not it. If you don't have a strategy and most women don't, then I can see how that would be a problem and how dating would be horrible if you don't have a strategy in the chat. Let me. Give me a hashtag. No. No strategy. Because that's your first step, right, to get a strategy. And then the second step is to actually heal. Right.

What I know for sure is that when individuals start dating and they're not healed, just like parenting, dating will bring up all of your stuff. And that's why you have so many people that are, like, starting and stopping and dating because ultimately they get triggered and then they want to step away because they don't know how to deal and work through those triggers. But what happens is they start again and then they get triggered in the same way again because they've never actually, like, worked through the trigger. Yeah, I want all of you to, like, use dating to work through all of those, the traumas and the triggers that you have so that when you do find your man, and that's what I do as a dating coach, you're ready. You're ready for the best relationship of your life. Now, most of my clients get their guys between months six and nine just because it used to be months three through six, but it just takes twice as long to get your person. Now, that's just the nature of the dating game right now. The apps are not apping and all of the other things that I've already described. And so it requires. And here's the thing. You can heal on your own or you can work with somebody to help you heal throughout the process. That's why I think a lot of women come to me to help them on their journey.

Let's see, the. The questions. Ultimate. Ultimately, what is the number one determining factor to keeping a man interested for longevity? Wrong question. And I say that with love. There's no. There's no. Like, you can't keep anybody. That's not that's not your job. Yeah, the nature of that question lets me know that you're focused on like that you have to do something.

To be like to be in a relationship. That's kind of the masculine, energetic way of thinking about it. Instead, I want you to understand that all you have to do is be there. You oh my God. If I put my hair in a certain way, if I lose that weight, if I da da da da da. If I say this this way, do that this way, that's not it, girl.

And the sooner that you understand that you just have to be and sometimes your being right now is not a full being. That really truly the essence of who you are. And most of us actually have to do a bit of excavation, a bit of exploration to understand who that really is. Because no shade, many of us don't know who we are right now. Many of us are still living in the same person that we were 10 years ago. And that might not be your true tea. Okay. Shy or Shay said he has great qualities, but his hygiene is off. Do I tell him or break it up? Yeah, you let him know. I'm really enjoying getting to know you and I would love to continue to get to know you, but there is something that is, you know, not making me feel as connected to you. If he is your guy, he's gonna actually respect you more for speaking like this truth. Because I'm pretty sure that most of the people around him are not speaking this truth.

And he will feel inspired to do this. And really our job when we're in relationship is to inspire. Especially if you are someone who is dating men or dating the masculine energy.

Papi said, how did you know he was the one? Well, one of the things that I do in my program which aligns with my own personal journey is that you have to be very clear on what your relationship needs are not your wants. Everybody wants a light skinned boy that has has a graduate degree. Six figures. Six. Six feet taller. Taller, Right. All of those other things, that's a want, it's not a need. Right. So be getting really clear on what your deeper needs are that are going to fulfill you for the long term is of the utmost importance. Now I will tell you one thing that I go through with my clients quite a bit, which is a lot of this is actually getting an understanding the things that you did not receive from your parents, those are your deeper wants, needs. And once you actually achieve those, you will start to feel more at home in these sorts of relationships. Okay. So.

I hope that's helpful for you as you start to navigate all of this.

Y' all are. I miss that. Y' all are laughing about something.

Okay.

Someone said, dating in Dubai, girl, go to the malls. They'll just go and pick you up right then and there.

Destiny said Anwar, I want a man. I've dated so many men, but nothing. You probably dated a lot of boys.

Yeah. Unconventional Black woman said, don't tell them you have kids if you're a single mother.

No, you want to let them know. And you want.

You want that to be a filter for the guys that are serious versus not serious. Now, some guys will try to pounce at you because they think that you're uber desperate. But that's a boundary thing. If your boundaries are not where they need to be, that's. That's something that you get to work on. Right.

Someone asked, how soon do we teach our young ladies about the aspects of dating? I think you start talking about it in ages 11, 12, 13. Yeah. One of the hardest things that I think black women have to face is the fact that they don't get to date when they're younger, and they don't really start truly dating until they're in college. And that is. That is a disservice for many of them because they're starting at zero in college. A lot of these white girls were dating at fifth grade, so they got 10, 15 years on you already, almost.

And then what happens, based on your experience is that then your 30s become your 20s, a white girl 20s, and your 40s become your white girl 30s. So many of you all who haven't necessarily really had the experience, don't really start getting comfortable and have that level of detachment that is so necessary in dating. Truly. Until we're in our 40s, most black women will. Will get their person between the ages of 35 and 45. Yeah. And I'm not saying that to burst a bubble. I'm based on the demographics and the marketplace and the fact that so many of you all are focused on a black man. Most black men are not going to be ready for a relationship until the age of 35. Because men actualize through their career, and because many black men aren't as educated, it's taking them longer to get to a certain income level to feel ready. Excuse me, to provide for a family. So that. That affects the way that many black women are having to date and be in, you know, be in relationships. So I say all of that to say, if you are someone who wants a child and you are a Black woman and you are 30 and I might get a lot of ish for this. You may need to freeze your eggs.

You may need to freeze them. I know a good number of my clients do.

So something to think about and consider.

Especially if you have a certain type and you can't let go of that type.

Someone said, do you work in Queens? Well, I am a queen, so I guess I'm always working in queendom, honey. But no.

Dulce. Thank you so much for the rose.

I think I'm gonna have to move because this iPad is running out of juice. Honey. Juice, juice, juice.

I don't know if this is going to charge. Give me a second, ladies.

Was all already here. It just fell.

I would hate to lose battery while chatting with you all.

Okay, I'm back.

Maria said, can I have your opinion on situationships? What do you mean my opinion?

They're not good.

Only, only you believe that it's a situationship. If you are in a situationship, the guy is not thinking about it as a situationship. He's thinking about it as I'm just kicking it with you and he's getting whatever he can out of you without any sort of emotional responsibility. Being in a situationship is one of the most disrespectful things that a man can do. And if you're in one, please understand that that man is disrespecting you. He doesn't like you, he doesn't love you. He's using you in, in the cruelest form and fashion.

So get out of it if you can.

Tamara said, dark skinned women are angry. I don't think that they're angry. I think that they've been wildly disrespected in their lived experience and probably have quite a bit of trauma that you, a lighter skinned woman, probably has not gone through. So they're not angry. They're probably defensive because there's been a lot of aggression that's been like focused toward them.

Lisa, should you tell them your needs? Not early on in the court. She courtship girl never that.

Green tea said, how can I tell if a man is just in touch with his feminine side versus bi or gay? I think I'm going to do a video about that next week because here's the gag that a lot of people are not talking about. There are more.

Bi, gay, LGBT men out there than there's ever been in the world.

And.

Because there's more of them in the world, there's more of them to see and more of them to explore with. So you Have a lot of.

Stray guys. I'll call them. They're actually not gay. They're not bi. They just need their cup filled.

Oh, Lord, oh, Lord, oh, Lord. So I'm gonna do a video about that next week because it's actually very important. And no shade. Probably 10, 20% of you are with somebody who gets it in and who is not out.

Someone asked, what if he says, you look innocent, girl, he thinks you're a lamb and he's a wolf and he wants to completely take you over.

Yeah.

User said, make a video about how genders are interested in black women. I've literally made at least four or five of those. So any search, white men, black women, and more white, and you'll find everything that I've had to say about genders. Okay.

Michelle said, fairy God, brother, you're on live. I have to find out about your live schedule. I. I'm usually live Tuesday and Sunday nights, but I just came on here because something weird was happening with my WI Fi on Tuesday. So I actually wasn't able to go live.

On Tuesday. So I was like, let me just come on here for a little bit. It.

Someone said it's expensive to freeze your eggs. Any resources on this? No, girl, you're gonna have to go to Google on that one. I wish I had a stitch.

I would consider it as. As y' all are thinking about, if this is a priority for you. You want to. You want to save for that down payment of that house, and you want to save to put that down payment on those babies. Girl.

That'S what I had to do. Again, I'm not y', all, but this was something that was a priority for me, and so I had to do what was, you know, you know, had to act accordingly. And you some. You're gonna have to plan for it. For many, many of us out there.

It isn't easy, it's not simple, and it can be quite expensive.

One more ingredient said, hi, I've just joined. Can I say I love your account? Thank you so much. Appreciate it.

Gingerla said, please freeze your eggs. I didn't. And now it's not an option. Save up and plan 100%.

Holly said, freeze embryos, not eggs, if you're older. Totally agree with that. Totally agree.

Michelle said, I have a friends with benefits. Do I cut off my friends with benefits as I try today? Everyone is built differently. I guess the question is if he does something that is.

That, like, if anything he says or does is going to highly affect how you feel about yourself. Then you're probably have too many feelings in the game, and you need to cut them off. If you don't care what he does, what he says, outside of the 30 minutes to an hour that y' all are hanging out, no shade, then by all means, girl.

Eat.

Auntie said, when did you realize your partner was right for you? You? I realized it when.

Like I was saying before, he was fulfilling some of my deeper relationship needs. So one of the things in my lived experience was that my father had abandoned me when I was in fourth grade. And so what that looked like was I had some abandonment issues, and I. I was someone who needed reassurance for certain times where I felt like people were away from me. And so he was able to provide that reassurance with patients and. And more. Yeah. So that's just one example of understanding your.

You know, your deeper needs.

Tactic. Albra said, check your fertility status yearly. I just did and was told, no need to rush to freeze my by my gyo. If your gyo is not a black woman, then she might not understand.

Just FYI.

Let me see what y' all are talking about up in here.

Charisse said, hi, amore. How can a woman know when a man from another race is genuinely interested if he's talking to you for more than two or three minutes?

Because if you look at your everyday life outside of work, you're probably not talking to a lot of non black men for more than two minutes at a time.

Many of y' all were like, oh, my God, that's just like a nice man that's just asking me about my day. No, girl, he wanted you.

And these men don't think that you want them because 90% of you are with black men, and they think all you want is that melanin king, honey. And he's not wrong. The. The numbers back that up.

So give eye contact, give smile. Look at their feet. If their feet are pointing towards you, it means that they're interested in you and have fun. Yeah, a lot of us think that. Oh, my God. Because these, you know, these little boys in elementary school and junior high and high school, these, like, white boys were not checking for me. That you think that these grown men are not checking for you, girl. Couldn't be further from the truth.

I would say at least a third of them are very much checking for you.

Okay.

Tall chicks that they need to just be straightforward. No, they don't. They get to be whoever they want to be. They don't have to do anything. You think that they do because you are used to black and brown men being very assertive and aggressive when it comes to you. So that's your benchmark for how a lot of men should be. But they don't need to necessarily do that. They get to be chill with it. And I actually think it's a. It's a very. It's a more respectful way of courtship because it really does give you the power to set the pace of what is comfortable for you.

Which is true queen stuff. Yeah.

So something to think about, something to consider.

That. Yeah. Our job is not to tell or to think that people should be doing anything differently than what they're thinking or doing. People get to do whatever they want. Our job is just to figure out, does it work for me, do I feel good. If it doesn't, we step away. We don't try to change people.

Samantha said, do you recommend a woman dating date a bi man? I wouldn't do it.

As a gay man or as a straight woman.

But that's just me.

Just said a man uses work for. As a reason for not wanting to make me his girlfriend. I think it's an excuse again.

That's his truth. We can't figure out, like, we just have to own the what and the what. Is he not ready? So you need to keep it moving?

Said cup field. Yeah. Please do a video.

Mommy is tacy Said, isn't that called being on the down low?

No, because I actually think that guys on the down low.

Many of them are actually gay, but because of cultural. Well, I think some of them are. It really depends on how they think or consider, like themselves. Some of them do it to get off. Other people do it because they really yearn to want that, but they can't have that based on their lives and culture and society.

Let me see what time it is. All right. I got up another 10 minutes and then I gotta go.

Daydreamer said, what does it mean when a guy texts you, hey, I'm around this weekend if you're free?

No, you. You ask them, are you asking me out? Or what is this? What is this? Right? Or you can just say, I am free this weekend, and then give him space to ask you out. Poison. I say, what does it mean to have funny best friend energy when dating? The live ended the other night.

Funny best friend energy is like.

You know, in baps, there's Halle Berry and then there's the other girl. And the other girl is the funny best friend. And the story is not really about her. It's partly about her. But she is there to be supportive to other people and not to be the main character. Many of us are. We relegate ourselves to that role, to supporting actress, to funny best friend.

That funny best friend can never be romantic because there's no emotional depth to her.

So when we talk about funny best friend energy, that's fine. You're probably gonna have a lot of guy friends, but you're gonna have them because.

You'Re funny and you're entertaining. But they most often will not take put you into any sort of romantic category because there are no feelings there.

Hopefully that helps to clarify.

I think I need to go now.

All right, ladies, I'm going to go. I hope that this was helpful for you as you navigate your. Your dating lives. If you want to work with me, definitely book a consultation. Call with me. The link is in my bio. Or take a listen to my podcast. I'll definitely be on tomorrow night. I might be on tomorrow tonight too, if I have the time and or energy. Alrighty. All right, have a good one. Bye. Bye.