Dating Q & A 05-25-24

Why does this thing say unstable connection? What's really going on, honey?

Hello, hello. Hello, ladies.

What's tea?

What's really going on? Oh, my God. What is this?

What does this look like? Why does it look like this on ig? I gotta end this, honey. Hello, ladies. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

What's the tea? What's the tea? What's the tea? What's the tea?

Okay, that's better.

Oh, my gosh. Ladies. Hey, Kathleen. Hey, Somar. Hey, Kaya or Kia. Hey, Covington. Hey, Poison Ivy. Hey, Char. Hey, your girl. Hey, Sarah's Mundo. Hey, Stephanie. Hey, aq. Hi, Sonia of Wild or Quidias. Hello. My gosh. Y' all really, really welcoming me. I feel like I'm home, honey. I feel like I'm home. I feel like I'm home, home.

Yeah. Thank you all so much. How are we doing on this Saturday? What's really going on.

Huh? You better spill it, honey. Spill, spill, spill. Just, like, bills, bills, bills. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Let me cross my legs, honey, because, you know, I'm a lady. You know I don't. Man spread, honey. Keep it cute. Always cute. Anita said you are out here saving lives. You know, I hear that every day.

And I. It's so weird because I'm literally just a suburban mother of three doing what she can for God and her country. Do you hear me?

That's all I'm doing.

Someone said, where's your Dominican? I had my Mexican tonight. Just as thick, but a little bit shorter. No shade.

Yeah.

I think. I think that's my man.

I think I woke him up.

Sh.

Alina said, so true. How you know, girl? How do you know?

Oh, my God. Crystal Valent. Valentia said following you changed my whole dating life. I love that. Brion says that you have changed my life and elevated my confidence. Awesome. I love that for you. Oh, my gosh. I feel like that girl in Legally Blonde. You know, the. The girl who does all the workouts. And the guy was like. And, you know, Elle was like, oh, my God, I lost 12 pounds for you. And she's like, I love that. That's how I am, girl.

Okay, so. Oh, my God. For the girls that don't know me, my name is Anwar White. They call me Coach Anwar, your fairy godbrother. And I am a dating coach for black and brown women. And I help them really heal their hearts, date with strategy, and get into the best relationships of their lives.

So if you want to learn more about me, you can definitely go to the link in my bio. I Have free trainings. I have a link to my podcast called the get your guy coaching podcast. I also have a link to book a consultation call. If you want to work with me professionally, I will say this.

Next month, my prices are going up. So if you've been, like, thinking, like, oh, yeah, I'll get to him, girl, you probably want to do it before the month of June is over. Because on my birthday on the 26th, honey.

She'S getting a raise. She's working hard out here.

So the prices are going up. Yeah. So book a call if you want to work with me. And I would just suggest that you do that now. Not because it's some, like, crazy money grab, but just because summer is high season and you want to maximize that as much as possible. So I know like.

Two times where the getting is good. March things like pop off and then, girl, June, like, Juneteenth, girl, honey, the men are freed.

And you gotta get them. You got to get them when they're free, girl. So this is why I get a lot of relationships and in like, June time frame and as well as, like August, September time frame. Yeah. Okay. With that said.

Put your questions in the chat. Your questions about love, dating, relationships, men or women, we're all inclusive here. Put them in the chat and I will answer them in the order that I. That I see them. Alrighty. Alright, so let's. Let's see what the tea is, honey. Let's see what the girls are talking about.

Nakima said. Hey, amore. I've missed you. Missed you too, girl. Back Butterfly said, doing the Lord's work. Thank you.

Well, I came on tonight because, honey, if y' all are still home and you're not meeting men, then you need to. You need to listen to me, girl. We need to be out chatting, talking with men. Talking and touching grass and touching men, honey. Frances said. And my sister too. I love that. I love that. So much.

Mind of Tiffany said. Class, repeat after Coach Anwar. Qualitative and quantitative, honey, this is what it looks like.

I. I look at love and dating both qualitatively and quantitatively. You got to know the numbers, right? And the reason why I'm so clear about the numbers is because a lot of y' all are taking this dating thing really personally, and it's really not. It's like there's a lot of averages when it comes to dating, and the more that you know that, the better. And I actually kind of broke it down for my clients earlier this week, and I will share this with you as well. Because I think it might be helpful for you. So a lot of y' all are not matching as many with as many guys as you need to. Most women actually swipe right on 5% of the guys out there. And you need to swipe more. I always recommend 20%. That's one out of every five. Okay. Why? Because I'll just use Bumble as an example.

For the hundred men that you match with, only 30 of them you'll have a conversation with.

Yeah. Out of the 30 men that you have a conversation with, only about 10 of them you'll move off of the app to, like, a text, Right. Or whatever. If, let's say you move them to text, out of the 10 guys that you're texting, da, da, da, da, da.

And you do, like, let's say a phone date, you'll only have maybe, like, three people set up a phone date. Yeah. Out of the three people that set up a phone date, only one guy will actually have a phone call with you and potentially have a physical date with you. But that means that you have to actually match with a hundred guys.

How long do you think y' all are matching with a hundred guys? Honey.

That'S the question. That's the question.

Exactly. Y' all are gagged. I'm seeing a lot of hundreds. People are saying, that sounds exhausting. Someone said five years. Yeah.

It's not exhausting. I think y' all are doing too much on these abs. You gotta. Here's. Here's how I want y' all to think about this. I want you to think of dating apps, like, as if you were shopping online, right? And not like you're clicking on each one. Like, you know how you go on a page of, like, 50 products and you're like. Like, not like. Like, not like. Like, not like. Honey, these profiles, we should be taking 5 seconds, 10 seconds each at most.

Y' all are, like, perusing through each profile as if it were the Bible, honey. And you read in every verse trying to memorize it. Yeah, of course. It would be exhausting. Yeah. So.

Honey, go through them fast and don't trip. Don't act a fool. Don't think about it. Just do it. Like Nike, honey. Like, because at the end of the day, this. I'm giving you these numbers and these statistics because ultimately, most of the guys that you match with, 99 of them, you won't even meet out in real life. Y' all tripping on the X, Y, and Z guys that you. That profiles that you see, it's not even Worth it. No shade. Yeah.

Anyway, all right.

All right, honey. Put your questions in the. In the chat, and I will. I'm gonna see what y' all are acting, how y' all are acting out.

Aq said he wrote me after five days. If you got. If you haven't heard from a guy within three days, girl X amount, I need him. Said, you are really serving and serving. Thank you, girl of Wild or Quidia said, listen to his podcast. Yes, y'. All. It's called the get your guy coaching podcast. Definite listen to it. It's great. I think it's like a top 50 relationship podcast in the US and top hundred in Canada and the UK, which is interesting because I only publish episodes every two weeks, so I wonder what ranking I would get if I did it every week. CPG said, hey, friend. Hey, girl. Good to see you.

Noella said, how can I put myself out there without using the apps? You're going to need to go to two places a week. Okay. What does that look like?

You're going to need to go to a place like a Cheers place. Remember that show Cheers, where literally every week they went to the same place at the same time? That's what you're going to need to do. So you need one place like that. Then you need a new place that you're going to every week. That's what it looks like. So whether it is the. Whether it is like the gem, whether it's like a happy hour every week, that should be your Cheers place. Yes, honey. Where everybody knows your name 100%.

And where the hostess and the bartenders know you. Once they know you, they'll be able to give you the tea. They'll tell you, okay, no, come on. Thursday nights, that's when the ballers come and those people can be your wingman, girl. No shade. Catch it. Yeah. Okay.

Kelly said, I get so shamed because you describe me all the time. Let me get my life together. Girl, you can get it together in my program.

That's what it's. That's what it looks like. That's what it's all about.

Okay. Nelly said, do you think Philly is a dating good dating city? I think most dating cities are pretty good, except for Houston, Atlanta and la and Miami and Phoenix.

Yeah.

Ev said, hi. And where. Hi, girl. Cat on them at zero Said, I try my hardest to be sweet to him and get. And get ignores it. I don't understand what that means. Heart said, I watch your videos on locations. Please give your take on Savannah. Slow, girl. Slow, slow not impossible. It's just gonna take a little bit of time. Yeah.

What if we have birthdays in June, too?

I don't know what to tell you, girl.

Fancy said, inflation hit our very God brother. No, that's not it. I generally do this, like, every year. Every two years. Yeah. And you just said, what's the tea on Phoenix? Phoenix is racist, girl. Not a lot of black people. And then all of the.

All of the actual, like, black men there, which generally represent a good proportion of the dating population. Population for black women. Those men are checking for the white girls, the Hispanic girls, and the native girls. Even the girls on the reservation girl.

Yeah.

So that's why Phoenix is a little bit not. It's not great. Kelly Renee said, do I need to let him go? If you have been dating more than three months and not exclusive, if he doesn't want to make it happen within three months, you probably do need to let him go. So I would bring it up. And if he's like, I need a little bit more time, he's got to go.

Sarah Mundo said, I'm talking to a man who doesn't want labels. What do you think? He's not ready for a relationship. As someone who gets people into relationships every week, I will tell you this.

The way that it looks like is he is going to want to be in an exclusive relationship with you probably faster than you will want to be in a relationship with him. Because when he knows, he knows. If he's not into labels, he's not ready for a relationship. Because a relationship is a label. It's a label. Like Chanel, like Louis Vuitton. It's a label. A relationship is a label.

Yeah. Sagittarius said. Any advice for late boomers who want to start dating but has never had romantic experiences? We got a date. We got a date. What does this look like? And many all are gonna hate me, and that's fine because I'm very hated on these Internet streets.

I want you to. I want you to date the guys that you're not attracted to, because right now you need experience. Right now you're like, you're giving sophomore, junior year of college internship phase.

And we just need experience to put on the resume. So I need y' all to date, and I need you all to date a lot, even the guys that you're not attracted to. That's. That's how we, like, get some activity and we get some inertia for you in dating, because inertia, movement, acceleration, momentum is the thing that is actually Quite important for you in this stage. Yeah. Torisa dating advice for girl, for girls from the hood.

Keep the good things that the hood gave you. And here's the, here's the crazy part about, parts about love and dating. There are some things in our, our childhood and how we were raised that really serve us and there are other things that don't. Right. And everyone's going to have to kind of do that diagnosis, that, that diagnostic, that analysis. When you think about your parental relationship, your bonding patterns, what served you, what didn't serve you. This is the, these are some of the heavy things that we do in my program.

And you probably acquired some patterns growing up in the hood and maybe some scarcity mindset. Right. And so oftentimes we are going to have to leave that where it was created. Right. The hood will teach you that you can only get a little something and not all of it. So what that means is oftentimes we'll be satisfied with a guy that's a 5 as a boyfriend. Instead of waiting for a 9 or a 10.

Wait for the 9 or a 10. It's better to have nothing than to have a guy that's a five or a six. Yeah. A lot of girls think that they're doing something because they got a man, when in reality it's better to have no man than to have a man that's a five or a six.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yvonne said, how much is your coaching? Well, it's a four figure investment. I have two programs, a group program and a more a VIP one on one program. But definitely check the link in my bio and book your consultation. There'll be an application and in the application they will have kind of a breakout of all of my programs. Okay.

Lissa said, how can I tell if I'm being love bombed or if it's genuine? So love bomb being love bombed. Is.

He giving you pet names? Is he over complimenting you to the point where you don't believe it? Is he saying things like I love you really quickly or he wants to get into a relationship and you, you haven't even had a first date or you haven't even had a second date yet. Is he talking about things that he wants to do six months or further in the future with you? Right. Future faking. Those are kind of the telltale signs that I tend to look for when it comes to those things. Beyonce said, what if a guy who you haven't even met in person makes a weird sexual joke? Should you ghost or tell him he turned? You got to Set a boundary, and you got to see how he respects that boundary or not.

Yeah, you set the boundary. Let him know how it made you feel. His response to your boundary will tell you everything that you need to know about.

If he's respectful or not, ultimately.

Okay, let me see what the girls are talking about. By the way, I want to do a roll call. I want to know where the girls are chatting from. Oh, and if, FYI, if there's anything that I say that resonates with you, tap the screen. Double tap, triple tap, tap as much as you can. Run the likes up, girl.

Just so I understand exactly what are the things that are resonating with you so I can lean into those subjects a bit more. Okay. Anita said how to be motivated to start Olympic dating after one date. I don't want to message others. I know. And this is why people actually the value add of having a dating coach, because I know a lot of people are like, oh, my God, like, I would never have that. That's so embarrassing. The gag is, girl, that a lot of your friends actually are working with therapists or counselors, and they're just not telling you about it. That's number. So people are getting help in a variety of different paces, whether it's career coaching, whether it's life coaching, whether it's mental health coaching. What have you the value add of having a dating coach? Is this question exactly right here. When something happens in your dating life and you don't know how to deal with it and you want to stop, why? Because it means that you're triggered and you need to figure out why you're triggered and heal that so that you can stay in the game and get your person. Half of my job is helping my clients understand their triggers, helping them heal through it so that they can consistently date and find their person. Because when you start and stop and start and stop. And by the way, let me know in the. In the comments, who's starting, who's stopping? Girl, who's given. Who's given that, you know, red light, green light, gang girl on dating, you will lose all of your momentum, and you have to start from zero every time you start and then stop and then start again so you kill all your results.

Value out of a dating coach is to make sure that you understand what the hell is going on so that you don't have to stop. Okay. Margot said, should I travel to meet men? No, no, girl. We don't travel to meet men. It's giving quantum leap. We don't do that. They come to us, we don't come to them.

April Jade said, is it bad to date men at work?

I think it's mix. I wouldn't recommend it, but, you know, if you look at the statistics, you still have a good 10 to 20% of people that are meeting people at work. I guess the question. The question that you have to think about is, do we work in, like, a very intimate setting in the same team or same department?

That's important.

Matt Maze said, questions are going fast. I know y'. All. There's almost like almost 800 people in this live, honey, so there's going to be a lot of people.

Pumpkin said, I'm dating a consistent man. My anxiety is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hear this every week because my clients are finding really high quality men and they're like, he's gonna f CK it up. He's gonna. And guess what, girl, he is gonna up.

Why? Because he's human and no one is perfect. But what you want to make sure that you and he has is the ability, the skills, the actual relationship conflict skills to be able to pick up that shoe together.

Right? If you don't know how to manage your mind and your feelings and your heart when this shit happens and be able to communicate, well, then the drop of the shoe, it's over, girl.

Santorini said, T Nigerian men say most of them are not cheaters. Do your homework, they said, I did my homework. And most of them cheat and want.

And they hated that I said that. They hated that I said that. A lot of these Nigerian men in America have are either promised a wife in Nigeria or have families in Nigeria that they're not even telling you about.

That's part of the reason why Houston is really hard to date in. Girl, they'll love bomb you with that. With that Texas oil, girl.

Nicholas said, hi, Amore. I've been out of the dating scene in New York and don't know how to get back in. Start with the app. Start going out once a week, Friday night, girl. Yeah. Okay, let me see what's going on.

Elena said, do you think Jewish men date Latinas? Girl, Jewish men date everybody.

They love. They love it all, honey.

Sparkle said, what do you think about changing your dating profile location to a place that has more potential prospects? Do it if you're in Atlanta, you gotta have one. One app in Atlanta. One app. Some somewhere else, honey. If you don't, you're not going to find your person. Okay. I got a lot of people in nyc. I got some People in Dallas, Dallas and Houston. All right. Vegas, Michigan, San Diego.

Some Atlanta. Someone said, I'm given. I'm. I'm like Hitch. Someone else said, he's better than Hitch. I surely do hope so.

Kuhad said, coach, what. What if he says he's falling for you in love in a month of getting to know each other? Never met in person. If you haven't met somebody in person and it's been a month, girl, he not seriously. He's not serious. Someone said, oh, someone's from Lima, Peru. Hey, Peru. Someone said, why does having a bad day trigger me? That's why the ladies come into my program, so that they can figure it out and that they can heal from it. Yeah.

This forum, this life form, I won't be able to answer that for you because there's a lot of deep shit happening, and it's going to be different for every woman. That's why deeper work is required to understand that.

Okay, let me see what the girls are talking about.

Okay. Someone said New Zealand. I know that's right. Tennessee, Virginia Beach. Dallas, Illinois. Atlanta, Seattle, Paris, girl. Go to bed. Go to bed. Bath body and books. Montreal. I know that's right. You know, I'm in Montreal, girl. Portland, Ottawa, Charlotte, Chicago, San Antonio, Cleveland. All right. Got a lot of Texas girls, a lot of Chicago girls, Atlanta girls. I see you, honey. I see y'. All.

Emily said, do women in different countries have the same dating experience? If so, why? Well, I can speak to. I can speak of. Let me say that. Better.

The experience for a black woman, I would say that it is probably harder to date in America as a black woman than it is in other countries.

Virtuous Naj says, is it wrong to ask a man I'm dating to pay for my hair and nails, etc. Is that a turn off for men? It's a turn off if you expect it. But here's the thing. If you have to ask for it, he never wanted to give it to you. The connection isn't there.

That's number. That's number two. Number three is.

When you ask a man to do something, you're begging him to do it, and you lose your power.

Yeah.

There are a lot of people on the Internet that will talk to you about sugar baby relationships and transactional relationships in the courtship. You do not want to do that. That's going to be an immediate turn off.

Because he's not your man. And that may be the responsibility of your actual man. But if you're expecting someone to do that for you, and he. There's no commitment there.

Why would he do that? That's like giving money to charity. Right. Like.

Brit said, you and Shira7 are my relationship guides. Good. I think a mix of both of us might be really healthy. I think her and I align on probably 70% of things.

Something said. Can we talk about mother in laws? Sure. Well, here's the thing about these men, honey. And especially men of color, black men, they're very. Most of them are either very spoiled or have been.

Kind of abused. Because a lot of these men are being brought up in single parent, generally single mother households. These moms will treat them as the man or the men of the house. Right. So things like little man, you know, little, you know, king, those sorts of names, and they treat them as a surrogate partner, and it's inappropriate and it creates commitment. Phobic men because the relationship that they had was with their mom and they didn't have any control or say into what they could or could not do. That's for the men that were controlled. Then you have moms that are like, critical and really harsh. So generally the reaction from men that grew up in those situations is that they're very sensitive to rejection and criticism.

And so they will run away anytime you set a boundary, anytime you say that. I don't know if I like that they won't be able to deal with it. That's their own journey that they have to heal from. When I was talking about spoiled enmeshment, there are other women that like single moms that will do everything for their. For their little boys. Right. Some of these men still have their mom coming over and doing their laundry. And I'm not just talking about black men, although I think it's very pertinent in that community. Jewish, Italian, Indian men, you got to know their relationship with their mother, and it will tell you everything about their relationship with women and how they think about their romantic relationships.

Okay. Yeah.

Rachel said, how important is salary that he makes more? I think salary is very important. I think that if he makes significantly less than you, he will never believe that he can truly provide for you. He will think that he is less than you. And oftentimes he will try to humble you to his level so that he can feel like he can be in control of you unless the man is, like, truly happy in his feminine energy. Like, you have some men, like teachers and nurses that, like, are okay being house husbands and they can have their lawyer or doctor wife bring the bacon home. Relationships are about compliments. There has to be a masculine and feminine. The thing is that most men are conditioned to be in their masculine. So you have to have a man that is very comfortable being in his full feminine to be with a woman that is going to take care of him. But salary is very important. You can't be making 80 or 100k and he's making 30k. That's not gonna work. You'll be taken advantage of and then he will cheat on you because he needs to have a sense of control and he needs to feel like a man. And he will again start being abusive to you to take you down a few notches.

Do I want that to be your experience? No. But as a dating coach for 14 years, this happens more times than not. So I want to share that with you so that you can go into situations.

Clear eyed. Yeah.

Dr. Chi said I'm Nigerian. 100% true about those Nigerians.

Kathleen said the Nigerian men are dating outside of their race in Houston. Girl. They started to girl because the, the black women are sick and tired and fed up, honey.

Tyja said app suggestions. So one of the things that I do in my program is we get to know.

We get to know each of our clients and we give specific recommendations based on their location, age, size, skin tone, personality and all of that. Yeah. So I'm actually not going to be giving too much of that sort of recommendation here on this live. You got to join my program if you want the real deal. Holy feel, honey. Okay. And that's on.

Mary had a little lamb.

Okay.

Danush said, should I date an Indian guy? As a black girl, you should be dating everybody. If you are. If you don't have if your roster, I call it Olympic dating, your gold, silver and bronze medalists. If they don't look like a United colors of Benetton ad, if they don't like girl.

It'S got to be giving all the colors of the rainbow.

Yeah.

You want to diversify. That's what dating is about. Letting all of these different kinds of guys court you. Because when you date multiple guys, you get to compare and contrast them and then therefore get to know much more about what you like. You might say, oh, I like how Terry calls me every day, but I actually like that John. Like when I do go on a date with him, he gives me flowers. So you're gleaning all of these things to understand, okay, this is how I want to be treated in my future relationship. And you get to see.