Dating Q & A 09-04-24

Hello, hello. Hello, everyone. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I hope everyone is doing well. It's good to see you all. What's tea, ladies? What are we doing on hump day? Are we humping?

What's the tea.

Empire said? I love you. Love you too, sis. Chanel. How are you, my love? Pretty girl Patterns. Hello. Hey. Ever evolving. Hey, I am Wit. Hey Boohe. Hey, Sabah. What's the tea ladies? What are we up to? What are we giving?

Ms. Hankerson said, hello, handsome girl. Stop alerting right now. Someone said, I wish. He's about to come for us again. Lol. Clarissa. I don't come for anyone unless they come for me. Yes. Donnie said, hey, I wish I had lips like yours, girl. Buy them.

You can buy anything now. Hey, Erica, Jada, Art. The Kathleen Anna True love assured Pamela Chrissy, Mimi J. Thomas Tranquil Stoney Ask the dawn. Hello, my loves. What's the tea?

What's really going on?

See? Joy said, learning that I know nothing about dating. Here's the thing, ladies, because many of us aren't taught how to date.

I think, like, we have this expectation that we're so supposed to just know how to do it right. And the gag is that dating has changed so much even in the last five years that even people that knew how to date in 2015 don't know how to date now.

Girl, I had to change my entire strategy in my program in the. In the last eight months because things have changed. So if you are shaming yourself, if, if you are, you know, like, on yourself because, like, you feel like you don't know. Girl, most people don't because it's always changing.

Sorry about it.

Someone said, please check your dm. I send you a big one. A girl, what y' all need to know is that I am. I don't really do DMs like that unless it. It is like, if you have questions about programs, anything like that. But I don't really do coaching. I come on here on Live. And for those that don't know, my name is Anwar White. They call me Coach Anwar, and I am a dating coach for black and brown women. I have been doing this work for almost 15 years now. And I come on here, you know, one to two times a week. And I'm here to just answer any and all of your questions as it pertains to love, dating, relationships, and men and. Or women. We're inclusive around here. Some of us had that, that, that, that, that moment, that phase in college. We don't talk about it, but we all know. Anyway, so here what we do. You ask your questions in the chat and I will answer them in the order that I see them. Now don't get mad and don't get butt hurt if I don't like answer your question because at some point I'm going to have more than a thousand women up in here so it's going to be hard for me to answer any and all of them. So please be patient and if I haven't answered your question in like five minutes, put it in there again. I'll get to it. Alrighty. Now if there's anything that I say that resonates with you, that you enjoy, that makes you kiki and giggle and gag. Tap, double tap, triple tap the screen. Show love, show hearts.

So that I can, you know, my ego can feel validated because you know, I am a man and that's what we need. We need our ego stroked. We need them validated so that you know, we can feel like we're self actualized and we are the man that we are supposed to be.

Oh my gosh girl.

Life and high gear said as a fellow coach, your insights are so solid. Thank you girl. Appreciate that.

Oh my gosh. Some of these girls are, I'd say something about sex and girl, y' all are go to bed. Y' all are horned up honey.

Someone said giving in the bed watching a dating coach rather than our dating. Mm girl. Okay, our host knows that we are b o l ing these men lol and getting outside now that the weather is behaving. I know that's right. Jennifer said. Happy to be with you all. Good evening. Hey. Yes? Do you have advice for bisexual women or queer dating? I sure do. What specific questions do you have? I will tell you this. If you are.

Lesbian, queer, bi, an important thing that you will have to figure out is are you in your dominant masculine energy or in your dominant feminine energy. This will affect all of your dating. It's the first thing that I do with all of my queer and lesbian and bisexual clients because it will establish what sort of energy you will bring to the Dating Game.

Message from Moms at Amar when are you coming back to the States? I'll be in Atlanta in about two weeks to visit my clients there and my fellow coaches.

It's her way said Amwar. I met a guy 11 years younger than me. What to do? Sleep, train him, girl. Change the diaper.

Take him to preschool. What else should you do?

So you know I'm waiting on some info. What info are you waiting for? Pyrus solutions.

Message for mom said we should do a meet and greet or a live coaching session. I'm going to do that when I do my book tour. So, so I'll read excerpts and then after that we'll, we'll go to a club. Girl. We'll get some numbers. Flirt with men.

Ardell said you didn't. So I just did a video about black hairstyles and the men that are checking for them. You said I. What kind of guys do us women with low, low cut hair attract? So like my length? Well, one, the femme lesbians are into it. But two, I would check with the white and the European men. Okay.

The black men won't be checking for you as much because they're like homophobic and they'll, they'll think it'll give if, if like you're not like, if you're not giving a lot of phase. It'll give a little bit. Boy. And they're so homophobic that they can't even get into it even though they're so homo at the same time. Girl. No shade.

Anyway. All right, let me see what the girls are talking about. What are we giving today, honey?

Someone said Tiara said sliding into his DMs. Yes or no? I think we ease into it. So what does that look like? If you, if you're talking to someone on social media.

You first start liking some posts, then you start commenting and then what you want to do is reply to a story. So it's not like you're going straight into the DMs. Hardcore. You're replying to a story and then he gets to respond to that. And that's how you start the convo.

Yeah.

Okay. Vanessa said, Anwar, he's taking me on dates every week. Every other week. I've known him for three months. Time to cut, no time to get exclusive. Girl.

Fortuna said, I'm still going to try to attract my healthy nerd. But I have curly hair. Girl. That's fine too. Here's what you need to do, girl. Put it in a bun. Girl. The main gag for the buns. Girl. And make it messy. Don't give ballerina bun. Give messy bun girl.

Jaz said had a great date last Wednesday. Said he likes me. Ghost me till today and said someone got cancer response femme energy. I'm so sorry to hear that. Now we wait for him to plan a date before the week's over and if he doesn't, he's out.

Yeah. Kiwana said, hey, I miss you. Miss you too, girl.

Five Footer Crew said, I've been watching your Q&As on YouTube all day. So just FYI ladies, if you ever miss it or if it's ever past your bedtime because I know how some of y' all girls are golden girls. Girl, they're on my YouTube channel dating coach Anwar the day after. Okay, perfectly imperfect said, how can I be a client? So go to the link in my bio book a consultation call and we'll see if it's a fit. Ultimately, I want to make sure that.

You know that you're coachable and that I can help you. There are lots of women that want to be in the program, but it may not be a fit and that's okay too.

Bri Bri said, should I try dating in college? Yes girl, please do. Why? Because when you're in college, people will are much more open minded and will date a variety of different people.

This is when you can start to date like Korean men for example. Like because when you graduate, girl, people just go to their respective circles for the most part and go into their own communities and isolate themselves. But when you're in this microcosm, you really get to engage in that mini world and start to talk to people and have more interesting conversations. So date everybody. The gag is most people in college like they're so insular. Like most people will try to just date the, you know, within the black club. Don't do that girl. Date based on your like the activities that you're into. So if you're a volunteer girl or in a Christian group dating there. I don't care if he's a Korean, I don't care if he's white. Date based on your, your specific values and clubs also.

Don'T study in the library, girl. The library is a club study in the engineering and computer science building. Every, every, every place has one. That's where you study.

Okay? The girls aren't going to tell you that because the other girls are going to try to make you get with a football player or an athlete. Don't do that girl. No shade. But most of them aren't going to make it to the pros and they're not even in class half the time and they're not even doing all the work. All of those like organizations, they have like all of the tests from all of the professors so they just cram the test. But they don't really study so they're not really learning anything.

So many of them are not smart. Not all of them, but many of them because they don't have to work. Because. Because they're so focused on their sport. So that's that on that.

Okay, let me see. What you're talking about is a red flag. If he asks for a prenup. First thing. First thing.

That is a personal decision. I work with women that have money, and so often the prenup is a safety for them as well. Black Luxe Beauty said, just watched your who does your hair attract? Video. Very funny. Thank you. Thalia Simpson said, I love your content. Definitely. My fairy godbrother. Thank you, girl. Had a guy who stopped communicating. I called him on it. He went more distant but wants to talk. What would you do? Well, first of all, I don't. I would never call a guy on that. Just be an observation mode for these men, honey.

Why? Because guess what? You're gonna call a guy out on it. Now, I don't know where you are in the courtship, but I'm just gonna give you general advice. You're gonna call a guy out, and then he's gonna know, Okay, I can't do that. But that's not his natural way of being.

Just because he knows, oh, I. I can't not talk to her for two or three days or whatever. He's gonna, like, put on a great face for two to three weeks, and you're gonna forget all about it, and then he's gonna go back to his homeostasis, his natural way of being, and you're gonna get all mad again. If this is how he wants to show up, our job is just to accept it.

Okay. And just honor what you're feeling. That's not gonna work for me. And peace out, Pahla Beats at omg. My first time catching your live girl. Welcome, welcome. Cashing that. That TikTok Live V card, honey.

Mm.

Kiwana said, I was just listening to your podcast. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Amma said, how to be content in singleness. I love this question so much, because here's what I know. Happy people get into healthy relationships, and happy people get married, and healthy marriages. Right? So if you're not happy, if you're not content, you will find yourself in unhappy relationships. So one of the things that's really important, and I think this is especially true for black and brown women, is that you're gonna need to find the little girl inside. For many of you, especially if you come from an immigrant household or you were the oldest daughter, you started having adult responsibilities when you were 12 years old. They had you clean in the house. They had you do an X, Y and Z potentially. And so part of being content is also accessing that little girl inside. So think to yourselves, what did I love to do between the ages of 8 and 12? And start doing that. I don't care if it was ballet class. I don't care if it was cheerleading. I don't care if it was playing dress up. Do it all, honey. Do it all. That's one thing. Now, number two, part of.

Being content is learning how to be satisfied. We live in a world where we always want more, more, more, more, more, right? And so learning how to be content is learning when enough is enough.

And everyone is going to have that. So, for example, you need to know how much money is enough for me.

Right? How many friends is enough for me?

Am I satisfied in this job, in this role, in this company? Or do I have to try to go for the director role or the VP role or whatever level that you're in? Do I have to do that? Is that going to make me more content?

So learning how to be satisfied is also really important. Then the other thing that I would say is.

Make sure that your other relationships are good and use those relationships as proxies to help you prepare for your romantic relationship. If you're the girl who's always calling your friends and always, like, you know, setting up different events and get togethers, you probably have imbalanced friendships. So you're gonna have imbalanced romantic relationships as well. So make sure that you're you. You can work on those relationships so that you feel, like, poured into and whole and cherished and nurtured. All very important. Okay.

Beautiful flower. It said, love you and more. Thank you, girl. Appreciate that.

Okay. Want us to thank you for all the great advice. You're welcome, girl. You're welcome. Piari said, best dating coach I have come across on this platform. Thank you. Christine said, love your content. Thank you. How long have I been on? Oh, girl, I don't know. 20 minutes or so.

Courtney said, love watching your videos. I sent some to my mom, and now she watches her videos, too. Gone mom. Gone mama. Yeah. Pauline said, I'm stretching and listening, too. I know that's right, girl. Keep it limber. Limber.

Vanessa said, okay, how can I know he's not just interested in someone to help with the bills?

Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Like, I don't even know what this. What you mean when you say bills. Like, we don't know anything about that in this life. But the way that you Will know if a guy is interested in you just for your money, is simply not giving him anything.

No money, don't pay for dates, don't do favors for him. Don't do anything. And those guys will find another supply, find another loan officer.

Yeah. And don't be. Don't feel guilty about that. I was having a mini conversation with a client earlier today, and I was letting her know, like, yeah, there are a lot of guys that won't like that. But those guys are not in the consideration set. The guys that we're looking for, which are fewer and further between, are guys that are in a provider mindset.

Yeah.

Okay, girly. Fine, said Amor. How do I make it clap for him in a feminine way? We don't clap for men.

We clap for ourselves. But.

Yeah, in dating, we don't clap for men. My recommendation.

Why? Because if we're always clapping for men.

He will always be in performance mode.

Because he wants. He loves the applause.

And if you're dating black men, I need you to know something. I need you to know that they are great pretenders.

Yeah. And this is not me on black men. This is me. And you know this too, because some of y' all pretend in life.

Most black people don't really love white people. And so especially black men, they feel emasculated by this white patriarchal society, and they pretend to like the system. And if they can do that all day, every day.

It stands to reason that they can pretend in dating and courtship and relationships as well.

And y' all know this. Am I lying? The amount of times that we have to smile in front of a white person's face, even though we disdain them.

So please understand that they. They do that as well because they're professionals at it.

Just understand that.

We all have to pretend. And I think black men.

Someone said. Whoa, rude. You just lost me.

Sorry. Bye.

Call me. Call me. Where's Waldo, girl? Lost.

Yellow said, you are being so real right now. Somebody has to.

Yeah, we. We try to keep it real here. We try to say the things that people aren't talking about.

So.

Something to consider and think about.

And if. What was that movie with Denzel Washington and.

Viola Davis, the Fences. Right. The character is all day, every day, working hard for pennies on the dollar, smiling all day to try to make nickels on the dollar.

Do you understand how much rage is in a black man's body?

And he keeps it fucking cute and mute all day.

Just like for a black woman, it's the same thing.

So I just think it's like really important for you to consider this as you're dating, right?

Yeah.

Ali said, anwar, do you also help Latinas? Yes, girl.

That's why I say black and brown women. Yeah.

Okay, let me see what y' all are talking about.

Pretty Gigi said, man, you're good. Thank you.

Say, Amy, it's embarrassing posting my question multiple times. I'm sorry, girl. What is it? I apologize.

Eli said, a man asking to meet a for the first time over coffee is okay. I'm someone who loves a coffee date and the reason I love a coffee date is because.

I want to make sure that you actually like the guy, that you can have a conversation with him, that you want to learn more. And when someone is taking you out to some, rolling the red carpet, taking you to a fancy restaurant, oftentimes what will happen is.

You will become enamored or with the date and oftentimes be biased when you're evaluating the data.

So there's. There's not many airs that they can put on when it's just you and them face to face chatting. Yeah. So something to think about and consider. It's not for everyone, right? In my program, it's something that we definitely recommend.

Someone asks, why do they pretend to love their partner?

A lot of men get married because they want the approval of.

Their male friends.

Girl. Something's never change. It's like we're in junior high all over again.

The research says that if a man's friend group is all married, he is three times more likely to get married as well.

So part of this is an ego thing. Part of this is like a pecking order thing. Like, you know, a lot of men are focused on, like, their purpose and, you know, and that means like conquering other men. And the way to do that is to have a wife, have kids, many kids. Right? That means I'm more of a man.

All of that.

So they also sometimes pretend to love their partner because they might not know what true love is.

So some of it is. Some of it is ill intent. Some of it is also just capacity. So I just want to offer that as well.

Bi Gang said Anwar, I have locks. How do I attract. Attract white men. Diam honey blonde girl.

But they, the white guys like the locks too. Love Setter said, please give me the tea. On dating Indian men. Fairy godbrother. I would say.

They'Re very spoiled.

Very spoiled. Their mothers do everything for them. So.

It'S important to understand that, like, don't do anything for these Indian men. Like, when you're going out with them, they will say things like, oh, my gosh, where do you want to go to eat? Okay. Like, which one do you want to do? Okay. I don't know. Why don't you figure it out? Give them that so that you can evaluate whether they're a spoiled little boy or if they're an actual Indian man. The other thing that's important is that a lot of these Indian men still live by the caste system, girl. And if they are really from India, it is more prevalent. If they grew up in, like the west and in like the US for most of their life, it might be less present in them because they've like been to college and high school and so they've been around more diverse communities. But.

If they, if they've just come from India.

Girl.

This.

And if they're a little bit lighter, they're gonna think that they're better than you and they might just try to use you for sex.

Don't do.

Juju. Said, spill that kombucha tea, honey. Don't you know I have it right now, Girl, don't clock my tea. You don't know me like that.

And you have to. I had to work on my fitness, girl. I was drinking Gatorades with all that sugar, girl. I had to keep it cute, healthy. Honey. Keep that. Keep that waist snatched. Yeah.

Yeah.

Pin up. Said, we love you. Thank you, girl.

Let me see what else is going on here.

It's nothing. I'm fine. Say, what's your take? When a man says he's no good with feelings, move on. Yeah, move on.

Girl. No, Shade. If we wanted to hang out with people that weren't good with feelings, we would still be living at home. No, Shade.

The thing about.

Dating and relationships now is that women have financial independence and agency and they don't need a man to live. So the value of a man is different, which means he has to come with the emotional capacity sensitivity component to this relationship so that you can also be supported in your life.

I know when a man is relationship ready because he's the biggest cheerleader.

And that comes with an emotional quotient or component involved.

So one thing to look out for when you're kind of chatting with these men. If he's not saying, you got this, babe, you can do this, babe. How can I help you, babe? Like, he needs to help you self actualize.

You achieve your goals.

Let me see what y' all are talking about. Eyvette, thank you so much for the hand heart.

Life with Nyla said, no time to play with y' all today, girl. I'm not playing. I'm not playing any games.

No games whatsoever. And I learned a long time ago.

I really don't need anybody to love me or like me. Except for my mama.

That. What's that one song by Destiny's Child?

Oh, my God. What's the name of it anyway? They have a line that says, if my mama loves me and I love myself, right? I mean, like, everything's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be all right.

Why am I saying this? I'm saying this because I actually. I want you to have a similar mentality.

A lot of women out there are so hyper focused on men liking them. Who cares if they like you? No, like, seriously, who cares?

I want to make sure that you love yourself.

That's the most important thing. Okay? Shashimo, thank you so much for the rose. Mariana, thank you so much for the fire.

Renaissance woman said.

Okay. Belle said, my boyfriend thought I was mad at him, so he sent me a Blizzard treat on doordash. We love that for you.

Absolutely love that for you.

Chanel said, Amor for 2025.

Girl, stop.

Someone said, I dated a black guy who was all pro black and ended up having a kid with a. With a. I think maybe a white woman.

H.

Not surprised.

Paige said, why do good men take a long time to say I love you? Good question. It can be a variety of different.

Reasons. Here is kind of what I know.

Good guys oftentimes don't have great boundaries. And they don't have great boundaries. They either have very weak boundaries. That's a mother wound. But oftentimes what will happen is that they will overcompensate and start to have rigid boundaries. And so what happens is because good guys get used so much.

They'Re very much not trusting. And a man has to. If he's a good guy, he has to really trust you to say that.

Yeah. So it sounds weird, but oftentimes really great guys don't have great boundaries.

How long should you wait to give it up specifically for a dark skinned man? Girl, there's. Girl. There's no specific. Girl, there's no paper brown paper bag test for giving it up. Sorry about it. Yeah. Did you want me to say because he's a darker skinned man that you should give it up quicker? Girl, stop. My recommendation.

Do whatever the hell you want with your body, girl. You're a grown ass woman. What I will say, though, as a dating coach, is that it's very tricky.

And I generally recommend waiting until you're in an exclusive relationship.

Someone said, why are men so willing to have kids with a woman but won't make marry her?

Great question.

Again, lots of different answers here.

Men will have kids because.

The more kids he has, the more man that he feels. He won't marry a woman because he doesn't want to settle down.

He doesn't want to settle down.

A lot of men don't want to settle down. They also.

Oh, I'm gonna leave it at that. I've already said a lot of really interesting things tonight.

Someone said, how can I meet a Korean man? I would say, drink boba every day, go to Korean barbecue.

Shop at Uniqlo.

Do karaoke on the weekends.

Yeah, let me offer something to the ladies. If you're asking why questions, you're asking the wrong questions. You're doing too much.

I could. I could give you 50 different answers for a why question. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why men do this or why did they do that.

What matters is making sure that you are honoring the what and not the why. Whatever this man decides to do, honor it, accept it. You don't need a reason.

What you need is to accept the reality of whatever has happened. Check in with yourself. Your responsibility is your feelings and your safety.

When you're asking, why is he doing this? You've already lost the gang girl. You've already lost yourself.

Yeah.

Love setter said, how is dating mixed men.

Mixed feelings on that?

Okay, let me see what you all are talking about.

Okay, let me see what's going on here.

Nikki said, how fast is too fast for him to say I love you? Now, I will tell you this. A lot of Nigerians will tell you that they love you before the first date or shortly after the first date. That doesn't mean that they love you. It means that they like you. Okay.

In my experience, I generally tend to get around three women into relationships a week. I love you comes oftentimes between months four and nine in an exclusive, committed relationship.

Now, if you are, let's say, 45, 50 plus, things go probably twice the speed, so that it might come within the first month or two of a relationship. But if he's saying I love you and you aren't in a an exclusive relationship.

This game, baby.

How can he love something that he doesn't even know the majority of.

You know? Like in high school, there was always that girl that said she just loved everything. Oh, my God, I love it. Oh, my God, I so love it. I'm so into it. She's just into everything.

When guys do that.

I need you to understand that he is trying to soften you up.

He is trying to play a role like we were talking about before. Play a fantasy so that your guard will be lowered.

Set a boundary.

Yeah.

Nebby said, should I be against struggle, love?

I don't even know what that is.

Like.

One of the things that I really am passionate about.

Is.

Empowering women, specifically black women.

To not struggle in life, to not overwhelm themselves, to have boundaries, so that if there are things that are happening, they can give it to somebody else and they can deal with it.

So the things that I think are important here is when I hear something like this, and thank you so much for asking this question. What I'm hearing is I am going to lower my standards for someone.

And oftentimes we will do that because we have what I call love scarcity mindset. We think that this is the best that I can do.

Even if it's not fully serving me.

I would rather have something.

Even if it's not fully serving me than nothing at all.

Why would you get with somebody that's a 5.

And not wait for the 9 or the 10?

The dangerous part about that is if you stay with the five, it will trick your brain into thinking that that's all that you deserve. It will become your upper limit.

There's this book by Gay Hendricks called the Big Leap, and they talk about this concept called the upper limit, which happens so often. And I would actually posit that it happens more for black people or people of color because of just how society is set up. So you will actually have to work double time to make sure that the limits that are put on you, like, you don't even see.

Struggle. Love is.

Hell.

Al Nisa Said, ever thought of being a dating coach for men? When I started, I was a dating coach for everybody.

And I worked with men, but I just love black women.

So I just work with people that I love. I do enjoy working with men, though, because I get to really give it to them and they can take it. I be like, dude, you're being an Stop.

Salon. Bon Said is a man at 15, never had kids and never married. A red flag.

Hard to tell.

Someone said, what does it mean when a guy tells you, I really fucks with you? I really do.

I don't even think that's grammatically correct, so it doesn't mean anything.

Does he say that to his mother?

What?

Like, people.

Sometimes.

Like, we cannot let these things slide.

Like.

Okay, so one of the things that you have to think about, like, when you are dating is like, would I have a kid with this man? Like, do you want this man saying to your child, I really with you.

Never that girl. Well, maybe for men, some of you. Sometimes that. I don't know.

Here's what I know.

I know that sometimes, like, I don't. I am. I'm okay being.

Bitchy if it means I have standards.

And sometimes many of you don't.

Want to be that girl.

And there is. Because when we do that.

There'S like this, this feeling of stepping away from the tribe.

Yeah. When I say, oh, I'm not gonna. I'm not doing that.

Right.

It's really hard to say, I'm not going to. I'm not going to fucks with you.

Oh, I can't. Like, I can't. You guys.

Sometimes these men grow. They. Girl, they're. No, but in all seriousness, what happens when in the black community, it's very much a community, it's very much a tribe. And so when you say, I'm not really, really going to deal with hood guys.