Dating Q & A - 09-25-24

Hello, hello, hello. What's the tea, girl? What's the tea?

And I had to open my kombucha. This is not beer. This is kombucha. Because I'm healthy now, girl. I'm on my health tip. I'm keeping this. Keeping this body snatched. You know what I mean? Else is keeping it snatched up in here. Hello, ladies. I hope everyone is doing well. What's the tea, girl? What's really going on?

Hello, my loves.

IFBB pro said, love how you are showing up everywhere lately. Cuz you give good advice. Thank you, girl. Someone said, I'm happy I found your page for all the love and knowledge. Awesome. Hello. Y' all.

Said you've been hot with the messages this week. That's what's up, honey. I know that's right. I try my very best. As my mother would say, I do what I can for God in my country.

Hello, ladies. Hello. Well, I gotta tell you something. I really should not be on here tonight, girl. I am so behind because I have multiple people that want me to be on their podcast. I have client work that I need to do. I need to evaluate and edit their profiles, help them choose pictures.

Many clients that need to get into this program. So, honey, I'm playing like it's high school and the deadline is at 12 o' clock and I'm not starting my essay until 11:15. Who else was that girl?

Yeah, honey, get into this Spelman sweatshirt. I got it when I was in Atlanta this past weekend. Patty said, are you in nyc? No, but I'll probably be there in the next couple of months.

Yeah.

So for those that are new here. Hello, my name is Anwar White. I'm a dating coach for black and brown women. Anyone can join my programs, but I just. My work is really centered on the black and brown woman experience. And so when I come here, I. I do these lives because I want to help y' all out. And we like to kiki around here. Yeah. So, Spelman.

Hey.

So here's what we're going to do here tonight. We are going to.

Put your questions in the chat. I will answer them in the order that I see them. And.

Please be patient because there's going to be lots of people on these lives and it's going to take me a little bit longer for me to get to some of your questions. Not because I don't love y', all, but because I can't do it all at the same time. Yeah. So. And just FYI, if you want to learn more about me, definitely go to the link in my bio. If you want to work with me, book a consultation call. If you want to listen to my podcast, I have an amazing podcast. It was recently ranked like fifth of in relationship podcasts in the us. It's called the get yout Guy Coaching Podcast. An episode came out today. It was all about a client who came into the program over 50 years old and she got her guy. She did the work, she got a guy. Now she's an amazing relationship and we have a whole other set of issues that we're dealing with. Yeah, but this is what it looks like. Yeah. So definitely check out that podcast episode. The link is in my bio. And yeah, if there's anything that I say as I'm answering these questions in here.

And it resonates with you or you feel like it's a gem or you feel like I'm spilling tea tap, double tap, triple tap the screen. Give me likes, give me hearts, give me your souls.

That'll help a lot. Alrighty. Alright, so if y' all put a question in here, y', all, I already miss it. You're gonna have to type it in again. Okay. Okay, let me get started because y' all are already acting out and already acting a fool. Okay. Let me get my kombucha. Because I'm a vegan white girl.

Someone said, take my soul. Taken.

Saturn said, how do you date as a late bloomer? Well, I think it's important to understand that your job right now is really just to get experience.

Don't try to go from 0 to 100. Understand the season that you're in and the season is experience. If you're 25, you need to minus it. Your dating age is actually 15 if you're a late bloomer. If you're 35 and you're a late bloomer, your dating age is actually 25. So this is about. This is experience. Experience more than anything else. That's the focus. Okay?

Awesome, awesome, awesome. Chelisa said, I'm a stump now because of you. Good. I love that when people are talking about stumps, it means that when you're around men, you don't have any arms, you don't have any legs or just a stump. And they need to do everything for you. Okay? So if you feel like you want to be a stump this, this week, give me a hashtag stump in the chat. Okay?

Uche said. How should we maximize cuffing season? Stop thinking about cuffing season.

Stop. Stop thinking about it. It doesn't serve you. It doesn't serve you to think about it or consider it or any of that. Why? Because ultimately, if it's your person, it doesn't matter when you meet them. A lot of us are putting a lot of pressure on ourselves because we're like, oh, my God, I have to get this guy before Halloween, before November, you know, mid November, or I'm going to be single for three or four months. Do you know how many people get into relationships in Q4 and Q1? Quite a bit. Right? You just literally have to go outside and talk to people. And most of y' all are not. No shade. Yeah. So stop thinking about cuffing season unless you want to be cuffed in the bedroom. Then think about it every day and every night.

Andy said, what do you think about short men? I love my short kings.

Now, it depends on what. What y' all consider short. I talk to most lady, like a lot of ladies every day. They think 5, 8 is short. You have to understand that's the average 5, 8. That is an average height man. And what the research says is that in women's brain, a man that is like five, six, he needs to make $175,000 more to be thought of and looked at as the same guy with the same credentials who is 6.

I like short men. They will work for you because they have something to prove. So they will compensate and overcompensate inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom. These short kings are packing. And for some of us, we need that. No shade. So don't shade the short kings, honey. Some of these tall guys grow out. They're given toothpick.

Let me see what y' all are talking about. Okay. That's a lot of stumps, honey. I know that's right. No arms, no legs. You're just a stump. Can't do anything, can't open a door, can't pick up anything, can't pay the bill.

I love it. Stump it up, ladies. Stump it up. Tia said, how. How do you set us up on dates?

Excuse me, I'm allergic to that kind of work.

I don't set women up on dates. That's a matchmaker. I'm definitely not a matchmaker. And that's not real shade to any matchmakers. But I do know for black and brown women, matchmakers do not work.

And the experience I have is because a lot of women that use matchmakers come to me because it doesn't work for them. In my experience, matchmakers have a 5% success rate.

And that's for the white girls. So you can minus 10x that maybe to have your success rate so I don't set women up on dates. What I do as a dating coach is I help women become their own matchmakers. I help them heal themselves. I help them date with strategies so that they can learn how to pick not based on their trauma, but based on their highest version of themselves. Based on their healed self. I help them heal. I help them get clarity on what they want and what they need. I help them better understand their masculine and feminine energy. I help them understand their inner child wounds. I help them level up their confidence. I I help them learn how to set boundaries and have the emotional confidence to be vulnerable. These are the sorts of things that I help my clients with. Okay. But I don't set them up.

Renita said, me happily married. Just watching these because I love your vibe. Thank you, girl. Aphrodite said, being single sounds amazing, but I I still like people a lot and by what are your thoughts, girl? No thoughts. Keep on doing you.

Deneen said, do you believe courting is better than dating? It depends on who you're with. I would say that if you're with the right man, then dating will definitely be better than courting because you'll have a deeper emotional connection. Then things will feel much deeper for you.

Tiff said, I feel like once I turn 30, men do not ask me out on dates anymore. I barely get approached. You're not the only one who's not getting approached. I would say the approach rate is like a third of what it used to be. And there are a variety of different factors that are happening here, whether it is just being in a post me too environment or a post pandemic environment. And also, men are just like really scared of rejection and they're getting rejected more now than they ever have before. I I'm sorry. To those men.

Makai said, can women have a successful relationship with bi men? 100%. Now, that's not something that I do. But just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean that they are not monogamous. Actually, they're very. Sometimes they overcompensate and so they're super monogamous.

Oh my God, y' all are stumping away.

Sunflower Child said, A lot of these black men come across as jealous. What now? Well, what now is that you date everybody and you see who wins. This should be the Hunger Games for your heart, girl. Chomp, chomp.

If you're not dating everyone, you are making it seven times harder to find your person. And that's just the math.

So date everybody and see who wins. I don't care who you get with. I just want him to treat you the very best that you can be treated.

Sometimes that's with a black man. Sometimes that's not.

A lot of black men are coming off jealous to you because you might be more educated than them and you might have more degrees and you might be making more money than they are.

You don't want to be with someone like that because they will often want to humble you and they will try to put you down on their level so that they don't feel as inadequate as they do. Let them feel inadequate by themselves. Let them go back to their mama. Their mama will fill them up with delusion.

That's not your job.

Yeah. Someone said cuffing season equals adopt a hobo season. Don't do that, girl.

Tatiana said, he keeps ghosting me and then lap bombing me also. And I say this with love and respect. I allow him to keep ghosting me and I allow him to keep love bombing me. Ladies, we have to stand on our boundary business.

Which means that when he messes up, he's out.

He should not be coming back. If a man ghosts you, you need to ask yourself this question. Would my future husband do this to me?

And if the answer is no, dump his ass.

Goat girl. Ghosts, ghosting.

Never that.

Love bombing.

Love bombs over Baghdad. Never that.

A lot of us are going to have to.

Prioritize our safety over attention.

This is.

A certain pattern, bonding pattern that is not going to be safe for you. And when I. When I see this ghosting and love bombing and let me know if this is your experience, ladies, I know.

Dad was not emotionally or physically there.

The worst dads give the guest the best presents and speak the biggest game. So this pattern. He ghosts me. Either your dad worked too much or he was divorced your mother or he abandoned his family and then he comes back and he gives you a present and you think everything is okay. Or he comes back and he's. And he speaks sweet nothings in your ear and promises you the world and gives you a pebble. This is a bonding pattern. Heal the father wound and you will never experience this again. If you need help with that, book a call and get into one of my programs.

Thank you. People are saying, get it. Being booked. You deserve it. Thank you, girl. Booked and busy. I sure am. Honey, it's a blessing. I surely do love it, but I really love just the work that I get to do.

Someone said you need a rate to just give advice. You know the advice that I give on these lives. I know many of us, many women are saying, oh, my God, you're so generous. It is a sliver of what I give in my. In my program. It's a sliver. Yeah. And I. I love what I do. And it's a win, win, respectfully speaking. And, you know, I keep it real. I come on here. I spend. I kiki, I talk my. I have women book calls and become clients. But then you also get great advice, or at least I'd like to hope so. Yeah. And thank you all so much here on Tick tock for the 23, 000 likes already. Y' all doing it big up in here. T, thank you so much for the rose.

With reality said, how do we meet men but don't like going out or the apps.

Girl, go to bed. Dream them, manifest them, girl. Witchcraft, girl.

Buy them on Amazon Prime.

How else. How else do you. Girl, you have to.

Be able to be found to find someone.

Girl with a name. Like, with reality. I think that I would hope that you would be more realistic than this. Come on now.

Girls are killing me. Killing me. We're all family here. So if you're new here and you're like, you're being mean. I'm not. I'm just talking to you like I would my sister, girl, give you all the shits.

Okay, so I'm just going to look at all of the comments that have question marks in them because there's a lot of them here being single. Okay, I answered that one.

She said, I love when you say no shade. It really is no shade, girl. It really is. The tree said, I live in Atlanta. Pointless. It's not pointless, girl. I've had at least three clients over the last three months get their guys in Atlanta. It's not. But the gag is most of those guys live on the other side of Atlanta. Like, they're always, like 45 minutes away. Okay. So make sure that if you are online dating that the radius is wide. Also, if you're in Atlanta.

Put your abs in other places, too. Yeah.

Beyonce said, what about 5, 2 as a short king?

That's not a short king.

That's an invisible king. I can't see him. Where is he?

Okay, let me see the questions.

Dylan said, how do I appeal to a broader demographic? Instead of just white guys, I did a video about different kinds of hairstyles. You can have to attract different kinds of guys. So it just depends, like, what kind of guy do you want to attract? You want, like, Hispanic, Latino, Long loose curls. Same with Middle Eastern or.

Kind of like a.

A 3 3D, 3C shorter.

Shoulder length that gives two.

Braids. Will always will get you everybody. Yeah. If you in that honey blonde tea girl got that color hair, that'll attract a lot of different kinds of guys. I know it sounds really superficial, but in my experience that's t girl, I don't know what else to tell you, but.

That'S the superficial version. The real version is if you're showing up as your full authentic self, if you are passionate about what the hell you do and you're loving life and you're happy, you will be a magnet for all kinds of guys.

This isn't about appealing to a certain guy. This is about being the full version of yourself so that everyone is attracted to you.

This is what it looks like.

Okay. Kim said, do I need to leave Phoenix? Yep. Yes, you do. Prime said, curvy girls winning or no? Always winning.

Mikhail said, your advice never misses. Thank you. Girl, where do we go? I'm a 45 empty nester and starting again. What city are you in, girl? So one of the things that I do for my clients is we help them understand what their flirt style is and we also help them understand what their main character energy is and within. We use that information to inform what sort of places that they should go to be so that they are able to meet like minded individuals and you know, they can feel comfortable being their full authentic self in those spaces.

Janelle said, amor, should we date divorced men? Are there any benefits? Well, yeah, divorced men, you know, that they, they value marriage or some sort of commitment. You know, there's a difference between someone who gets married young and learns about himself. I think it's really important to understand how he talks about the marriage and the divorce and if he actually like takes accountability for his part in the divorce or the breakup. Okay.

Ms. Nikki the OG said, I watched your horrible decisions podcast episode. Loved it. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Although the aftermath has been quite interesting.

How long before introducing kids? Melanie says, I think that's a personal decision.

You know, oftentimes I would say after exclusivity.

But you know, I've known people that they've said, I'm not introducing my kids until six months after we're in a relationship.

Yeah. Dark Bruce said, I listened to the new podcast episode today and it was inspiring. Good. I love that. Thank you so much for, for supporting the podcast. I appreciate that.

Okay. Someone said, what's up with these dudes that are sitting back waiting on the ladies to make all the moves. Nowadays.

Guys want us to be the one to initiate everything. Well, I will say this.

Some guys do, some guys don't. And what I think is interesting and important to understand is that a lot of before, let's say 20 years ago, when we didn't have cell phones or the cell phone game was really weak, we would just be sitting there and having to make eye contact. And so now most of us are on our phones.

And not really doing that in a significant way. So a lot of these men are not getting the green lights that they used to. They're not getting the dropped handkerchief to know that you're interested. So it's a little bit harder for them. So I wanted to balance out that perspective because it's. It's a little bit that they're not approaching because there's a high rejection sensitivity, but it's also because a lot of women aren't giving them the signs that they used to, so they don't feel welcome to do so. Plus, they don't want to be a perv or a harasser or considered as one.

Let me see.

Someone asked about the dating apps I recommend, so.

I.

You guys are ridiculous. Someone said, you exposed Busta Rhymes, Diddy, and the pink powder.

I didn't. Why that one live that I did. Or I was talking about a lot of the people in the industry who are straight. Gays, Strays, I call them, or DL for bisexual. I did it. I broke the gay dam. I don't think so.

Don't put that ish on me, girl.

Dating app recommendations. So this is something that I do with my clients when they join the program, just based on who they are, what their profile is, what their location, age, size, skin tone, personality, all of those different things.

Someone said, worst dating sites. I would never be on the league. I would never be on Raya. I would never be on blk. One of my clients was like, I just needed something different. Let me just go on blk, girl. 15 minutes. She was talking with a guy, and he said, well, I am married, but I still want to see you.

I said, girl, listen to me. Get off of blk.