Dating Q and A 01-07-24

Hey.

See what these. What everyone is talking about.

Oh, Lord. Let's get this music started, honey.

Hello, ladies. Hello. Hello, hello. Hello. Charay. Good to see you. Hope everything is going well. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning, everyone. Good morning.

I hope everyone is doing well. Yes. Get into this song. Whip your hair back and forth, loves. Yes.

All right, so here's the tea, y'. All.

This is the first Sunday of the year, and what I know for sure is that today is the day that.

People are going to be online the most. So today is the day where you're going to have the most people online for dating. So y' all better get on these apps. If it's for one day, it should be for today. Yeah. So that's all I got to say about that.

Get online, girl. Don't ever told. Don't ever tell me that I wasn't, like, you know, showing up for you and trying to spill the tea for y'. All. Okay? I got a little poncho on my Cali surfer poncho today, honey. It's. I'm in a snowstorm here in Montreal, and I want to be on the beach, so I put this on to, like, remind me. But anyway, my name is Coach Anwar. I am a dating coach for black and brown women, and I'm here to help you level up in love. So I came on here to answer your questions about love, dating, relationships, and men or women or anything in between. So put them in the chat, and then I will answer them in the order that I see them. Now, please be patient, because.

There'S probably going to be a thousand people in here, and there's only one of me. Okay? So that's on that. And then if you want to learn how to work with me, if you are interested in learning about more of what I do, definitely click the link in my bio. I have free trainings in there. I have a link for my podcast, which is called the getyourguy coaching Podcast. It's a top relationship podcast around the world. I have a link to book a consultation call. That link is for women that want to work with me directly. Yeah, please don't use that link to try to get some free advice from me because my boundaries are real tight, and I will cut you off in a minute with love and respect. I. I'm too busy. I got too many clients, and I'm a suburban mother of three. I don't have time for it. That's why I come on live, so I can answer any and all of your questions. And that's why I do the videos that I do. Yeah. Hi, Kiki. Hi, Bri. Hi, Cynthia. Hey, Jan. Hey, Sheree. Hey, Betty. Hey, Laura. Pina H. Justice. Sherry.

Oh, my God, this name is crazy. Tiara. Not Tiara.

Chocolate Goddess. Hey, B. Lola. Hey, Drake, Danny, Princess. Chrissy, B. Tracy, Jan. James has said your advice has helped me so much as a black woman. Thank you. You're so welcome. Good morning, Chloe, Elise.

What's the to. What are y' all giving? What are y' all giving? This Sunday, y' all better be online while you're on this. Live with me. Swiping honey. Swipe on everybody, girl. Chat with them all, honey. Hey, Sierra. Ciao, Midori. Hey, James. Love you, too, lady. List at Grand Rising and more. Girl, don't give me that. Grand Rising. Girl, don't do that.

Ladies, if a man tells you Grand Rising, block him immediately.

Don't ask questions. Trust me on that.

Consciously bougie. Is it true? Hard wig, soft life. 100%. 100%.

Whitney said. What app should I. Should we be getting on? I think that if you're 40 plus, you should be on Match Bumble has worked well for most of my clients, so I would stay on that. Get off a hinge. Hinge is unhinged. I would not be unhinged if I were you.

Sharon said, good morning, handsome. Stop flirting with me. Inappropriate. I am married with children. Now, if I was just married, it would be one thing, but I have children, girl, So I can't cheat on my partner and my kids.

I'm kidding. Ladies, it is a Super bowl of dating right now. So if you're not online, you're on the bench. And guess what? If you're on the bench, you'll get cut from the team.

Hey, girl. Hey, Brit. Amani said, I can't get over your teeth. Girl. I went to Colombia and I got them done. Because before, girl, my teeth look like some Fritos.

So I had to, honey. And it's been really good for my confidence. And so, just FYI, if there's anything that you feel like you want to do or need to do, do it. Do it. I will tell you one thing, though. For the ladies, the girls that want to get the bbls, and if that's going to make you feel good, by all means, go ahead and do it. Please understand that the BBLs are only going to attract the brokies. So because the guys that are broke don't have the discipline that it takes to actually become wealthy and rich, and so they Will, you know, be enticed by a big booty. So please understand that. And I. I'm giving you the tea. If you want to cancel me, go ahead, but I'm here to just give it to you straight. No chaser. The girls are like, oh, my God. If I get that done, I'm going to attract all the guys. You're going to attract the guys that.

Can control their hormones and can control their inclinations. Wealth comes from discipline and control.

Sh. Yes. I live in Canada. Montreal. Although I wish I was in California right now.

Dominique said, I need help with a guy who's doing all the right things, but I am absolutely not attracted to him. So if you've been talking with him and being courted by him for two to three weeks and the attraction hasn't grown, you have to let him go. It's a waste of time.

True. Said he's mad at me because I lied about going on a date when I didn't. He said it's a betrayal. What do I do? Girl, stop lying and let it go. Move on. He said, I took your tips and revamped my dating profile. Anwar, you are the truth. Hehe, girl, don't I know it. Don't I know it? Y' all are. Are giving me life with the poncho. Thank you so much. Girl, you know you got to change it up every now and then. You can't. But you can't be like, you know, everybody else. That's lame and boring.

Sierra said, I was asked on a date yesterday for today, but I haven't heard anything from him. He has till 1pm 100, honey. 100. Here's the thing. If you have. I think about this in terms of meals. So if you have a lunch date, if you haven't heard from him by breakfast, we're not having that date. If you have like a dinner date, if you haven't heard from him by lunch, we're not having that date. Caramel said, my new fairy godbrother. Yes.

Timmy said just finished my gym sesh Listening on my drive home. I know that's right. Girl. Girl, did you get some numbers while you're at the gym? Because here's the thing, girl, you're supposed to be pumping weights. You're supposed to work in that cardio, but you're also supposed to be working that cardio. Girl, get that heart. Get that. Get those guys. Honey.

Lena said, am where the dating scene in rally North Carolina is so weird. I get a lot of white men, but they scare me. The gag is, I don't know why these white men are scaring you. No, shade, but most black women get most of their trauma from black men. So if you think that white men are going to terrorize you, I'm 95% sure that they won't terrorize you more than a black man will. And this is not me on black men. This is, like, literally. I have been a dating coach for 14 years, and when I talk to my clients, they tell me all of the trauma that they have had had to go through with black men. You're scared of. Of potentially what a white man will do without actually experiencing any white men. Girl, try it out. Let's see. I mean, the white guys could literally say, oh, my God, I'm scared of these black women because they scare me. These white men are not a monolith, just like black women are not a monolith. There are some white men, girl, that.

Will give you what you need.

Sade turns night astrology. Thank you so much for the ten roses.

Shakira Said, just found out my older white boyfriend is actually married. What do I do? Girl block. Immediately, immediately.

Let me see what's going on here.

Christax Said started the podcast. It's fire for all relationships, y', all, if you don't look. My programs are quite expensive. They're four figure investments. And if you don't have that money, no shame, no shade. Listen to the podcast. Come to these lives, and you will get a ton out of it. I. I give a lot of tea on my podcast. Okay, so definitely check it out.

Let's see what. What else is going on here.

She said, I love you. Love you, too, girl.

Nicole Bicole said, I'm attracted to him, but I had to ask him to get my nails done. He said, yes. Well, is he your boyfriend? Here's the thing.

Your boyfriend's responsibility is not to get your nails done for you.

That's giving daddy energy and not boyfriend energy. So if you're expecting a man to do all of that for you, you're looking for a father and you're not looking for a boyfriend. I want to be clear about that. And this is. This is not me coming for you. But I do think it's important to understand that, like, as a boyfriend, he's in charge of your emotional well being, your physical well being, and taking care of all of the dates, and obviously your sexual well being. Hello. But.

Your life is still your life. Yeah. Vidalia said, hi. Love your videos. Thank you, girl.

Britney said, help a white guy flirted and asked me out. Went over my head. Girl.

If a white man is talking to you for more than three minutes, he wants you. Trust. Trust me. So I don't want to hear any more comments about. My God, I didn't know that this white guy was flirting with me. No, none of that. Not anymore. If there's anything that I'm saying that is resonating with any of you all tap the screen. Double tap, triple tap. Let's get these likes up. And thank you so much for the 12,000 likes already. Like, y' all are already doing the damn thing. Honey. It sounds like some of y' all are tapping so much, y' all are getting carpal tunnel arthritis.

Don't do that, girl. I don't want you suing me, girl. Yeah. Britney Said, what's your take on dating shy guys? I know that if a guy wants you, he'll step out of his shyness, so I don't really subscribe to the shy bs. I don't.

Mona said, does the same advice apply for women of color that are white passing?

Just trying to look, girl. See if you're white passing.

My advice applies to all women, to be honest with you. I just really prefer and work with.

Black women because they're amazing black and brown women.

Bethany Said, third day today with the tech founder. When should we talk about next steps? Girl, you got a lot of time. Until then, you're in observation mode. I always tell my clients that, like, guys aren't even thinking about exclusivity until, like, between dates, like, after date six. So I wouldn't even have this sort of conversation until then. Yeah.

Emery put her foot in this song, honey.

Okay, Chanty crew said the gym guys just stare. You have to talk to them. Hey, can you help me put this weight on? Hey, where can I find some water? Right. Go from there.

Kyoka Zumi said, just read your email on why women played themselves. Please talk more. What about, girl? So I have a newsletter called Amherst Dating Tea. Comes out every Sunday. I think it's in the link in my bio. Let me know if there's a link there for it or not. If not, I'll. I'll add it. But I. I spill the tea every Sunday so that you all are leveling up. Yeah. Spider says, I love you. Love you too, honey. Elizabeth Said, I said I didn't know what I wanted for Xmas and I got nothing.

Black. Deleted. He is.

Well, well, the gag. Is that you? I. I don't know. Like, is he your boyfriend or not? Because, like, he's not required to give you a present if y' all are not in a committed relationship. The Real Aquarius thank you so much for the rose. Nick Harris said, Anwar knows what he is doing. Just celebrated one year. Healthy is boring, but fun and time flies.

Congrats, girl. Yeah, yesterday my one of my clients got into a great relationship so I'll be shouting that out in the private Facebook group with over 200 around 200 black and brown women in there. Yeah. Sharon said, you are so smart. Thank you. Cap said, why do all men take fishing pics? Because it shows that he has a hobby. It shows that he has patience and that he is serene and that he's masculine, but not in the like hunting masculine way that can scare women off.

Divine said, I live in Buffalo. The dating here is terrible. You're. Here's the thing. You gotta widen that radius, girl, and date some Canadians.

Lily said, hey, I'm we're Hey girl. So Lily is a date, a feminist dating coach. Definitely follow her and she has she's going to be having a new book out so definitely order that. I think it's going to be amazing. Obviously I haven't gotten it yet because it's on pre order but once I do I'll definitely shout it out.

One, two, three. Yep, it's me. Oops. Damn. And we're so true. I try my best to share the tea, girl.

Valencia said, I just got here and you already shutting it down. I try my very best, honey. Halle said, I dated a white man last year. The best experience. Haven't went back. Oop, not haven't went back.

Either. Don said, the Miami dating scene is in hell. I think that Miami is the fourth hardest city to date in. First is Atlanta, second is Houston, third, third is la, fourth is Miami, and fifth is Phoenix.

J. Jones said, how do you handle love bombing? Every time I start talking to a guy, they try to rush the process with boundaries. And what makes it really hard, especially for women of color, black women specifically, is because we don't grow up with a lot of attention we actually like. Even though intellectually we know that all of it is bs, our emotions and our hearts will not allow us to not get sucked into it. Right? And so oftentimes what will happen. And also because when we grow up, we aren't allowed to have boundaries. And so what I teach a lot of my clients is actually how to have boundaries in dating. Because if you can't boundary well in dating, you won't date well and you won't get into great relationships. It has to be based on your pace. Right. And the way that you set the pace is through your boundaries. Yeah. So for example, I did a video recently and I was just saying, like, no, like a guy can't just call you whenever he has to schedule calls with you. Now I can, I know the majority of the women on here haven't thought about it like that. Never do it like that because we're not taught that way. The gag is our mothers will call us and if we don't pick up the phone, they'll call us again. So, like, we're trained not to have boundaries. So, like, that is part of how you become the leader of your relationship. You create the emotional depth and the pace of the relationship. If a guy is trying to rush you. Oh, no, I don't, I don't feel comfortable going out two days in a row. Right. Boundaries.

KK said, yeah, I think the white family will lynch me. Here's the thing. When, when you are being courted by a white man, you have to be, you have to evaluate the way that he advocates for you and protects you. Okay. This is really important because he, not as a black woman and you all already know, like, every day people are coming for you. Right. And if he is your boyfriend, he's going to have to take, he's going to have to protect you from a lot of that, including his own family. So does he stand on the street side when you're walking? When some waitress tries to be smart with you, does he cut it off in a minute? Right. Does he advocate? Does he stand up for you? These are the things that you have to look out for when you're dating a white guy. And if he doesn't, it's not going to work. Yeah.

Okay, let me see what's going on.

Yesterday.

Lexine said, how do I look more approachable to talk to? Well, here's the thing. You don't want to be approachable. And I know that sounds really crazy for many of you, but men are hunters. And so if the men that approach you in the wild.

Are hunting you, they think you're weak, weak prey. So that's why, like, when you're out and about and you look a hot mess, that's when they will, you'll get approached the most. People were talking about the hard wig, soft life. The women with the jacked up wigs and oftentimes the jacked up makeup are getting approached because they're considered weaker. They're considered like, this girl looks crazy if she can't even like reject the fact that she looks a hot mess. She won't reject me. Guys will go for women that won't get rejected by. This is important. This isn't about. So I don't want us to be focused on like getting approached. I want us to like focus on making connections and curated spaces either with a visible or invisible velvet rope. So for example.

I'm going to talk to people that are at a museum. I'm going to talk to people that are at like house gatherings with like minded individuals. I'm going to go to conferences. I'm going to go to specific, let's say sorority or fraternity organizational events. I'm going to go to certain hotels or airport lounges. I'm going to go to Trader Joe's or Whole Foods because not everybody's going to go there.

Now. And I'm going to have conversations and make connections there. What I'm not going to do is be hunted in the wild. If I'm at a gas station, if I'm at the mall, if I'm at Walmart, I'm not going to give any of those guys the time of day because that's the wild. If a guy is approaching you and interrupting you while you are living your life and doing the things that you have to do for life, he doesn't respect you. Trust me. And guys that do that are oftentimes, they're trying. They're getting seven, eight numbers a day. This is a challenge and it's a game for them. A lot of women are like, oh my God, he got my number. I feel so special, girl. He's gonna have 50 numbers by the end of the week and then he's gonna go down the list and try to sleep with each and every one of them.

And if you don't believe me, talk to guys that are in relationships. Talk. Talk to the guys in your life that are husband material and ask them if they would ever do that. The answer will be no.

Hi B Said tips for black girls dating in a predominantly white university. Well, most universities are predominantly white.

So that's really for all of them. Be open to dating a variety of different people. Yeah, like if I were to do it all over again, girl, I would be. I would not spend so much time in the black organizations and I would actually like really engage with the things that I like. So if I liked anime, I would be in those clubs, girl. I would be talking to some of the Chinese guys, some of the Indian guys. I would be in the engineering and computer Science buildings. I went to like a. A very highly engineering and tech focused university. So I would have engaged with those guys more. Because here's the thing. Nerds are packing and they know how to put it down. No shade girl. So not only do you need to learn in the classroom, but you need to also learn outside of the classroom and sometimes in the bed. For us black girls that never were able to explore our sexuality and date fully. Yeah. Don't go to the frats. The frats are dangerous. Many of them are. And if you are going to go to the frats, make sure that you're not there at the end of the night because I. That's when it gets grapey.

Study abroad. Study abroad for at least one semester. Yeah. And don't be afraid to get off campus and do things and engage with the. The community at large. R Clem said, you are the truth. All my trauma was from black men. Even family. Yeah.

Swt chocolate lady. Do you have client testimonials? Yeah. Go to my website and click on the testimonials link. Yeah. And you'll see all of them. But that's like a sliver.

Dimple said. Okay, so I went on a date the other day and he didn't reach out the next day. I texted him first. Don't text men first, especially if you're a black woman.

Like I was saying before.

Your boyfriend slash future husband, if you decide to get married, you don't have to. Is going to need to really know how to take the initiative and take care of things for you.

Texting him first is masculine energy. Don't do that. You're robbing him of the opportunity to pursue you and to court you, and it. It comes off as thirsty and too much. He already knows that he has you in your. In his pocket. Yeah. So he's gonna respect you less, unfortunately. So I don't want you to do that. When you don't text men, it stresses them out and it increases their vasopressin and they will actually feel more apt to want to pursue you and feel more bonded to you.

Shanice said we met on hand. She seems a bit more feminine. Don't shade the feminine guys, girl. Don't shade the feminine guys.

Should I move forward? Here's the thing. The gag is that there are so many, like two thirds of black households were single mother like households. And so sometimes these men will actually, like, you know, take on some of those mannerisms. It doesn't mean that they're bad guys.

Cat says, I need your help. Dude has been telling me how much he wants for a month, but he hasn't made any actions. If a guy hasn't asked you out in a week, drop him.

So you already talking for a month and nothing's happened? Girl, it's too much. Boundaries. I have a video called.

Dating with Time Boundaries. Check that out. I'm putting that literally is like.

Foundation. They call Brandy the. The voice Bible, Girl. That's my dating bible.

Yeah.

Okay, let me see what's going on here.

Cocoa Bean. So women can't shoot their shot. And by the way, the comments are going so fast. Sometimes if you don't hear me ask or, like, say your question, put it back into the comments, like, within five minutes or so. Because. Because there's so many of them, it will skip to, like, the top 100.

Jam. Any tips to quit attracting emotionally unavailable men? Yeah, you're. If you're attracting emotionally unavailable men, it's because you're emotionally unavailable. And like, attracts, like, when you're not able to be emotional. It will. It won't require him to be emotional. See how that works? So he's gonna, like, continue to engage because he doesn't have to do the work that he is not used to.

So become emotionally available, and it will repel those guys.

Do you have relationship advice for men? Totally. But you need to ask a specific question.

After two dates, he wants to be official. Feels way too fast. Let him know that. Again, boundaries. Thank you so much. This is so great. This makes me feel really special and cherished. I personally feel more comfortable getting to know you before taking that next step. His response to that will tell you everything. If he's trying to convince you that's not gonna work. If he's like, no problem. Just let me know when you're ready and I'll be here.

Lax said. What do you think about dating Asian men? I think that they oftentimes can make really great husbands. They make the most money.

Sometimes they're emotionally stoic just by how they're raised. But the issue is that most of the time, the families won't accept you.

No shape, but they will half accept your babies.

The Asian side. 80. 80% of the time, it's like the 8020 rule. They won't accept you.

I am easy. Thank you so much for the rose girl.

Coco Bean, what do you think about cancer men? As a cancer man myself, I think that they're amazing, that they're the best. But here's the thing. Here's the tea about cancer men. We're Very moody and we're very sensitive. Yeah. But we're also can be quite emotionally in touch with ourselves.

So go to museums and nice hotel lounges to meet white or other race men. Well, different men go to different places. So, like, for example.

Like, if I wanted to get an Asian, An East Asian guy, I would be going to Uniqlo. I. I would be going to Boba Tea lounges, I would be going to karaoke. If I wanted to meet an Indian guy, I would be going to motorcycle shops. I would be going to the electronics section of Best Buy.

And any other kind of tech places like the Apple Store. I wanted to be with a Hispanic man. I would go to Mexican restaurants.

And, like, if you're in la, you just need to go outside. No shade.

Yeah.

Carol White says, military men love, love, love.

I wouldn't do it personally if I were a woman. Lots of ptsd. Many of them have God complexes and no shade. But the military is like prison. What do I mean that by this? And I want to be 100% honest and true with you all, because y' all oftentimes will not see this side. But as a gay man who knows a lot of gay guys in the military, when they're in the military, girl, they get it in with each other, especially the guys in the Navy.

So that's why I say it's like prison. When guys are in prison, they'll. They'll do anything. And oftentimes many military men will do the same thing. Now, am I saying all of them? No, but a good amount of them will. Like, do you understand how much testosterone is just, like, seeping out of their pores? Being around all those men, honey, they gotta let off that steam. So please understand that that's also part of that experience. So that's why I'm like.

If I was a woman, I'd be like, no man to military. Now, I know a lot of the romantic girls love a man in uniform, so call it what you will, girl. Call it what you will.

Whiteheart said, I think Amore said, if he pays cash, it's a red flag. Probably illegal activities. A lot of guys that pay with cash.

And I say this with respect, sometimes they're doing illegal activities or are older, like boomers, or sometimes.

Their immigration status is a little bit in the gray area, let's say. Or their credit is so bad that they can't even get a bank account.

So everything is check cashing.

Actually said, am I doing it wrong? Holding out for a black man? I just think it. I think it helps you and serves you to date a wide variety of men. Yeah.

I think it's hard to find a black man that is emotionally available, that has the emotional, financial and physical safety that is necessary to be in a healthy relationship.

And unfortunately.