Dating Q and A 01-09-24

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hello, hello. Hello, everyone. Good to see you. I hope you're doing well. I hope that you are living your best life. I hope that you're living your life like it's golden. For those that don't know me, my name is Coach Anwar and I am a dating and relationship coach for black and brown women. And I am in the. In the game to help my clients get into the best relationship of their lives. Yeah. So I'm so happy that we get to.

Talk, get to share.

I am, as I generally do on these lives, I will be answering your questions about love, dating, relationships and men or women. We're inclusive here. And.

I'll give you my tea. I'll give you what I know, and I hope that's helpful. Yeah. So here's how we do it. If you're new here, if you're a newbie, welcome. Put your questions in the comments and I will answer them in the order that I see them. Please be patient because at some point tonight, we probably will have more than a thousand people on the TikTok Live and probably 50 plus in Instagram. So it might take me a little bit of time to get to your questions, but I'll get to as many as I can. Alrighty. So, welcome. If you want to learn more about what I do, definitely put click the link in my bio. I have a link for my podcast called the get yout Guy Coaching Podcast. A link for to book a consultation. Call with me if you want to work with me professionally. I have links for my free trainings if you want to kind of learn more about how I think about things and level up. And I also have links for, like, my tours. My. Twice a year we go to Italy and Turkey on what I call my. My goddess tours. So if that's something that's of interest to you, definitely sign up for that as well. Okay. All right, let me see what the girls are talking about already. Hey, Naka, babe. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Neurodivergence. Hey, Art. Hey, period. Hey, it's Brittney J and Tia and Esther and Vero Sauce and Simone. Hello. Hello. Hello, Chase. Hello, Latrice. Good to see you. So nice to see you this evening. So nice to see you too, girl. Hey, K. James. Paris said, can you give me tips on stop being a people pleaser? Here's what I know. If you're a people pleaser, it is because you think that you value other people liking you more than you like yourself, and you feel like the only way that you are to be loved is if you do what other people say and this oftentimes comes from your parents. And so respectfully, you're going to have to grow up and you're going to have to learn how to not be liked. And so interestingly enough, one of the things that's really helpful is to go through what I call rejection therapy. So two things that you can do. I know this sounds really scary, but it's super helpful because your fear is being judged and being rejected. So you're actually just going to have to have exposure therapy to that. So go, go to. Well, maybe not Starbucks right now, but go to a store and ask for 10% off. Yeah. And be ready for them to say no or.

Be on the street and ask somebody for a dollar.

You're going to have to learn that it is okay for people to say no to you and that you will still survive. Like you. You literally have to prove that to your. To like your nervous system and your body. Yeah. Because here's the thing. You can't please everybody and no shade but people pleasing is. Is manipulation. Yeah. Because you're not really being your. Your true authentic self. You're doing. You're being someone so that someone different than who you naturally are for people to like you.

So it's kind of like the other side of manipulation.

Okay. Esther said, what are good dating apps for 2024? I love, I don't love it, but I think the apps that I'm always kind of pumping up are Bumble OkCupid. If you're 40, 45 plus match.

Hinges has been unhinged. It's not good, girl. Which is so sad. But that's the tea. I mean, I don't know what else to tell you. Hey, Jolene. Hey, Lisa. Sarah said, spill it, girl. I'm gonna try, girl. Hey, Yunde. Hey Marissa. Hey Chrissy. Hey, Vero.

Hi, Shanae. Coco said. Coco Barbie said, should you pay the tip for on the first date?

What does pay mean? We don't pay anything. Okay? We pay him. We pay one thing. We pay him attention while he's on the date. That's it.

I don't pay any tip, girl.

Girl, you must be new. Girl. You speak in a different language.

Girl, this must, this must be a bilingual live.

We don't know that word. We don't know that P A Y word. Girl.

This must be an immersion class.

Honey. This is a welcome class. That's what we call it here. Yes, honey. Avery baby on Instagram said paella not that WIP said lmao. I'm guilty. I've done that before. But not no more.

Girl. We don't do that.

Why? Because you deserve to be courted. Let these men do it. Yeah. I know that you think it's cute. It's not. It's not cute.

As she said, is dating someone who suffers from depression and no go. I think it's going to be really important for them to be able to manage that on their own. And if they can't do that, you're going to have to step away for a second. Yeah. Until they can kind of come to grips with it. Because it's actually not your responsibility to like manage that for them. Yeah.

Pretty girl. Rachel said hi, handsome girl. Don't call me handsome. I'm gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. I'm married with children. You're trying to break up a happy home and no shade girl but if you flirting with the gay guys girl. You had a level that I don't know if it could be saved.

Do you work with clients who are poly? Not really. Because the clients that I work with they want to be married in monogamous relationships and my work is really focused on that. Yeah.

So let me see. Cece said, love your advice. Thank you. Girl.

Alana said dating someone from work. Okay. Different department. I mean. Girl. Only if.

Only if you had a conglomerate. Girl. Only if you're working at Google. Girl. And he works on the other side of the campus. But if you work in the same building. Girl. It's a no go for me.

Jasmine. Can females and males be best friends? Yeah. Girl. I have a lot of. I got a lot of best friend that are girls. Straight guys and straight girls. Yes. But it has to be very much.

Brother sister relationships. That's possible. Flower said so Jamaicans.

Jamaicans. Jamaicant.

Yeah.

Girl. No.

Coco Barbie said I didn't. And he refused to pay the bill. Good. He's broke. He's not ready. He's not ready to provide for a family.

So that's fine. You didn't lose anything. You gained something. Because men like that actually are looking to be a dependent on your income taxes. Emil said. Anwar just ended things with a guy I was talking to for two months. Good. Wasn't. Wasn't the one. Her name's K Said Blk.

Bl. Not. Okay. Okay. We don't do that. Girl. That is. I always say this and I think it's really true. You know that cousin that you grew up with but who got into a lot of trouble and now the whole family knows that he's messy and dangerous. But, like, nobody says anything because he's family. Those guys are on blk.

I don't want that. I barely say hi to him when he's at a family reunion, let alone engage with him on an app, girl. And I suggest you do the same. Don't be on blk, girl. Be okay is not okay.

Yeah.

Sp. How can you tell if someone is flirting but keeping it professional because it's bad for business? He'll invite you outside of the like, company. So we'll have lunch outside of company. Prop, like property, things like that. And he'll find a way to get your number and contact you outside of work hours. But again.

Don'T where you work.

Yeah. Little baby diamond said, you cutting up, girl.

Jvxoxo said, what if you're on apps but have no interest in actually talking or meeting with anybody, then get off the app, Squirrel. Get off the apps. Many of us want the result, but don't want to actually go through the journey to get to the result. And I'm sharing this because I want you to understand that. And this is one of the reasons why I'm a dating coach. Like, it is through the journey of dating that you actually get to level up and become the woman that's ready for the best relationship of her life. Yeah. And that ultimately that is the satisfaction. Because research says that you're not going to be significantly more happy when you're in a relationship versus single.

What I think love and dating and relationships are for is for your own self evolution and growth. And dating is a process for that. So I just want to offer that.

Mia Bella said online or in person to find a man. Both. The. The question. The answer is both. And it's not either or. Yeah.

Let me see what else y' all are talking about.

Your mom says I want him to spend money on me. I know he's into me. I need a tip on how to ask. No, girl. We don't ask men to spend money on us. That looks desperate and that looks messy. If he's not already doing that, then his capacity to do that is not there. Either he doesn't have the money or he doesn't. You're not the one. So if you feel like you have to ask him for that, then it's not happening. And I think you should move on. Secondly.

He'S not your father.

So he doesn't have to do that. And I think the expectation of doing that actually will hurt your sisters in this dating game, right? Because the good guys are actually going to turn really jaded and bitter because they're going to think that, oh my God, all these girls want to use me for is my money. And so you're. When you do that and you get to date however you want to, I just want to let you know that you're making it harder for your sisters out there that are looking for regular degular guy.

That wants to show up but doesn't want to be used.

Yeah. Okay, let me see what's going on here. And oh my God, thank you all so much for the 18,000 likes already. And the 848 people on this live on Tik Tok and the 48 people on IG.

Tap the scream if I've said anything that resonates with you or if you feel like I'm spilling tea or sharing gems or whatever the kids are saying these days. Girl, I'm getting old, girl. Norma said your take on large age gap relationships. I think that if you are dating anyone that is more than, let's say 15 years older than you, I think it can get really dangerous. I think that those guys are often men that.

Can'T handle women their own age. And so they are looking for younger women to control financially, emotionally, intellectually. And so that's something that I think is important for you to be cognizant of when you are potentially having a larger age gap. The funny thing is that most of my clients are actually finding quite a bit of success.

With men that are three to six years younger than they are now. Most of my clients are between the ages of 35 and 55. If you're 21, don't do that, girl. Yeah.

J Free. Hey, girl. Kayla said, should women approach men? You can, but here's what I want to offer to you. If you approach a guy in his mind, he's already bored of you because you're too easy.

Like, you know that girl who is in the middle of the dance floor at the dance and she's going super hard and it, she just feels like she just needs so much attention that it's like a turn off. That's what happens when you approach men. It's too much. She's trying too hard. And here's the thing. If in his mind he's thinking if you have to do this, then you're, you're not the prize. And he wants to be inspired. And actually men are hardwired to pursue and really to hunt. So you're like taking the game out of it and it becomes not fun anymore and your value goes down. Yeah. So something to think about. You can do whatever the hell you want to, but I think that all of you are prizes and you need to act as such.

Naomi said, what are the most common issues facing black women who date white men?

Good question. I think the thing about dating white men is.

It is society. It is the stares. It is. It's the micro and macro aggressions that will happen. Sometimes it's the racist family members. Sometimes. So you got to be with someone that advocates for you down. Like my white partner. Girl.

If there's anyone that just is looking at him and not me, he will let them know. No, you need to look at him. He's the breadwinner. He's the decision maker. Right. And if they're giving him life, if they're trying to ignore me, we leave. We don't give anybody business. You know, you want a. A white man, Something that you want to look out for is, does this man.

Does this man take on some of your everyday burden as a black woman? Right. So you all know what you go through. So I don't have to go through that. But what I do think is important is does he make your life easier? Right? Does he use no shade. Does he use some of his white privilege to make your life easier? So for example, my white husband. Honey, when we're going through border control, when we travel, girl, girl, he has the passports, girl, he. He deals with his security. I don't deal with anyone that has a badge. He does.

Yeah. So you want. You want your white guys to do that? Okay.

Uche said, omg and why I love you. Love you too. Thank you.

Martika said, what do you think about the book the Art of Seduction? I don't know if I read that yet. Who writes it? Jvxoxo said that is real because sometimes they can't see past their entitlement and it will strain things for sure 100%.

Missy Boss said, OMG. Listening to your advice got me a date for this weekend. Have fun, girl. Did you said I was going to tag you in a video I made earlier. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Girl, if I have the time, I'll give it to you, girl. But I'm like, this is my busy time. Because, girl, everybody is like, new year, new me, new love. And so like the second half of December and the first half of January, this is where I get a ton of clients. And it's like super busy right now. I didn't even know if I was going to come on tonight. No shade. But I was like my girls, honey. I can feel in my chon cha that they're struggling.

And I. I need to come in and. And share what I know. Yeah, it's my feminine intuition.

Okay, let me see what. What y' all are talking about.

April May said, you're amazing. Thank you, girl.

Michelle said we need you. I know that's right. Shiloh says in your what cha. Maybe you don't know what that is, girl. Sorry to that woman.

Girl, if you don't know what that is now, you will never, ever, ever know it. O.

Oh, Lord. Honey, y' all gonna. Y' all gonna get me canceled again.

Yeah, you're gonna get me blocked, honey. They tick tock tried to block me because I was. The tea was too hot. You know. Kimby, thank you so much for that cap, girl. You trying to get me out. You all DL Honey. Straightened with that. That ball cap.

Imab said no shade. All tea, all day, every day. All day, every day.

God. Diva said passport, dad. Yes, ma'. Am. Yes, ma'. Am. Airport, Dad. 100%. Sprinkle, sprinkle. Thank you so much for the seven fires.

Let me see. What. What are you talking about?

Uche said, why would a guy dump a girl after a second date? Because he's not into her.

Here's. I had to talk to my. One of my clients earlier today about this, and I want to kind of share this with you all because I think it's really important. Many people are online thinking that every conversation that they're going to have with someone is going to be the one. And I want to let you know that 97% of the guys out there won't even make it to day three. That, like, every time you have a first date, you will not hear from 50% of them afterward. Same with the second date. Same with the third date. I need you to understand this. That, like, nobody is the one until he's the one. And y' all are thinking that each and every conversation that you're going to have is the one. And that's not it, girl. And that's what makes online dating so hard, because you literally get butt hurt because your expectations are here and then reality is here, and the delta is all of your disappointment. Yeah.

None. None of them are the one.

And I'm sorry to say that, but I want you all to know this so that you can depersonalize this whole process.

Yeah. Ru Ryu said this tea is hot. Lana said it's it's only one quarterback on the football team. I know that's right. But, honey, there's only one MVP in the league, and we're just looking for the mvp. Chandler said, definitely hiring you as my coach. I need help. I know that's right, girl. Don't we all? Don't we all. Sister.

Lisa said, did you get your Canadian citizenship? Yes, girl. Yes, I did. I got it in December, honey. And the next day I got sick, girl. I felt like, girl, once they added me, girl, they were literally trying to erase me. Add one, subtract one, girl. Because you know they got the COVID point 2.0 going around now. Girl, I'm sharing this with you all because I think it's important for you to understand that, honey, we need to get, we need to get online, honey. It's, it's coming back. No shade. And if you don't believe me, go to any airport, go outside, and you see those people with the mask, you think that they're a full girl.

They know something we don't. No shade.

Avery baby said, I want to have fun without leading them on. Amor to the rescue. I know that's right. Have fun, girl. Dating should be fun. If you feel like it is work, you're not doing it right.

And one of the things that I think is really important, especially for smart and successful black women, is like many of you all have had to be like the responsible one your entire lives. You were cooking and cleaning at the age of 10 or 12, taking care of your siblings.

And so you bring that energy to your dating life because it's been successful for you and your professional life. But it can't be that way. You've got to find the fun little girl and bring her out in your dating life. Once you're able to do that, you're going to rock out Legacy. Okay. Robert Greg. I thought that that title was familiar. The Artist Seduction. I started reading a little bit of it and then I got bored of it. It's like manipulation. Dark feminine energy tea. And I was like, I'm like.

Maduo said. Advice on dating an athlete. Is it something I can take seriously for the long term relationship? No, never that. Don't date an athlete, girl. Never date an athlete. Why? Couple of reasons. One, he really does believe that he's a prize because his entire life people have been telling him that he's the prize. So you will never be the prize. So his career will become number one, he will become number two, and maybe you will be number three or his Mama, you will be fighting for bronze medal in his life.

That's. That's number one. Number two, he has women in every city that he plays in.

And sometimes men. No shade.

I used to live in LA and there would be places after our spots where there would be professional athletes.

In the place.

What did they say? What did Bill Clinton say?

Don't ask, don't tell. That's what we were doing, honey, 10, 15 years ago. So.

I wasn't doing it because, you know.

But I just wanted to share that tea. I think that they have a lot of money and they're a lot of fun. But here's the gag. 75% of professional athletes will marry a white girl. Kanye was right. So if you want to have cute fun for a weekend and they get to pay, you know, a bag or two. Cute. But to expect that it's going to be a long term stitch, it might be a little bit unrealistic. And this is not me trying to burst your bubble. This is just like experience. Like I literally have clients that have had those experiences before that I've had to coach through.

Yeah, right. You said get that back says, yeah, get a bag. But, you know.

Don'T expect.

The fairy tale.

Yeah.

Let me see what you all are talking about.

Worth it. You are our fairy godmother. No, girl. Fairy God, brother, Fairy godbrother. That's what I'm giving these days.

Always print priceless. Hey, girl, long time no see. I hope you're doing well.

I hope you're doing well.

Honey. There's a lot. Let me see what the IG girls are talking about because they're starting to get mad at me. No shade.

I love Jacob Elordi. Oh, girl says, stop ignoring my comment. I need help, girl. Well, you're never gonna get help asking like that. No shade.

JB said, your chance to back an athlete is before they go pro. Gotta be high school.

Even then, girl, if you get them in high school, they'll dump you in college. If you get them in college, they'll dump you when they go to the pro.

J. Clemons said, I'm still waiting for you to tell me why men are so afraid of me. Well, I don't know, girl, because I don't know you. But I will tell you this.

Some men are intimidated by women because sometimes women have resting bitch face. Sometimes your body language is up. No, shade. If you stand like this all the time or you got a nasty joker smirk on your face, girl, nobody wants to approach you, right. If you are.

The Other thing that I see when people are calling women intimidating or they don't feel safe around women is because they're very judgmental. Right. And it doesn't even mean that you have to be judgmental about the guy. You could just be judgmental about anything and everyone. So if you're like. If you're hanging out with a guy and you're like, oh, my God, what is she wearing? He knows I can't feel safe around her.

And for smart people, you will often focus in on your thoughts first and your feelings second. And the opportunity is just leaning into your feelings. Thank you all so much for the almost 54,000 likes and the 1100 people that are in here. Let's keep it going, honey. Let's keep it going.

Rebecca said, I love sending your videos to my single friends. Thank you, girl. Thank you.

El Said, what are your thoughts on Princella? I think that she is great. I think she has the men gagging. You know, I think that they're. I love the fact that I'm gay and she is.

Lesbian. I think that we're able to have a certain perspective on male and female relationships because we're able to kind of see both perspectives, really inhabit both energies. And I think she does a really great job of, like, really breaking down kind of the psychological and sociological effects of female and male bonding patterns. I think she's great. I actually just bought her book, so I'm gonna read it after I finish these other two books. So I just want to shout her out. It's called the game 41 Shades of Men. So I'm gonna read this. It was kind of expensive. She charged 50 for it. I would never do that personally, but everybody makes their money the way that they want to.

So I'm gonna read it and see how it is.

Jasmine. Nera said, I'm looking for the fairy tale. I want the princess treatment. Here's the thing.

If you want the princess treatment, you're looking for a father. If you want queen treatment, you're looking for a partner, a king. Yeah. Princess is a daughter who doesn't have agency. Yeah. This is important because I know a lot of you want princess treatment the way that you get princess treatment. A man doesn't give that to you. You can give that to yourself. And a lot of women are saying, I want the soft life. Well, number one, you need to be soft to have a soft life. And number two, you can give that to yourself before you enter into a relationship.

So I want to offer that to anyone who needs it.

My freckles said, what are your pronouns? I don't know girl. I'm. Girl. I'm. I'm old gay girl. I don't. I'm over it. No shade. Call me. We.

Us, girl. I don't know girl. Iman said, love you, amore. Thank you, girl.

Us. Russ said, my NBA player is paying all of my friends bills for life to keep her quiet after he was caught with a man.

I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised. Here's the tea. If you look at the statistics, what you will know is that like roughly one out of ten men are gay. So there you go.

I used to live in New York. I used to live in la and there are certain places where those kinds of men go after their games that you would go every Friday and Saturday night and you would be like, oh, I just saw him on tv and now he's literally.

Whispering me sweet nothings in the back of my neck. I said, didn't you just score 24.

Girl, I've been around the world tonight. Yai yai. Okay.

Viv.

With KED B said, why no military man? Men, God complex, ptsd, literally. They're fighting a war and then they come home and they're still fighting a war. And unfortunately you will be the enemy. And no shade. But those military men are getting it in with themselves while they're away anyway too. It's like prison, girl.

Something to think about.

I have. I literally know people, like other gay guys that like go to the Navy to like get their life to get like, you know, the college stitch situated and then. But also to like get a jump in. So don't. Don't get with a man in the navy, girl.

Okay? Let me, let me answer some goddamn questions up in here. Oh, Maisha said, can you speak on love bombing? Yes.

This is a natural occurrence for many Nigerians, so you want to watch out. Love bombing is about like the extremes, the passion. So you know, love bombing is. They'll start calling you pet names really early. They will. They'll over compliment you to the point where you know that it's not true. And oftentimes they will talk about what's happening in the far future, right? So like, what, it's January now. Oh my God, girl, I want to take you to Paris for Christmas. And you're like, this is the second date. Like, what are you talking about? You don't even know my last name. That's what love bombers do. And even when you do set a boundary, they'll over apologize. So they'll apologize like six or eight times. When a guy does that, know that he's a love bomber. Okay, this is important.

Riri said, best place to meet a man. Outside of dating apps, there are a variety of different places to meet men. So one of the things that I always say, well, first you got to get outside, girl. So go out one to two times a week.

You want to do things that you love that also have, like, men there. So some of the girls are like, oh, I love yoga, girl.

Girl, there's nothing about women and gay men there, girl. You're not going to find anything there. Like. But if you're like, you know, I'm really into the arts. Go to museums girl. Right. Really into working out, you better be going to that gym same time, same, same bad times, same bat channel, same bat day. Right? Because here's the thing. The gag is that even in New York, the guys are not going. They see you, they like you. They're still not going to say anything that first go around. But what will happen is after the second or third time that he sees you, that's when he's going to say something. So you want to be found, and that's kind of the best way to be found is like, going to the same places the same times every week.

Also, like, community, like sports leagues. Really great, too.

Yeah.

Dee said, please, amor, please. How can I date while being abstinent? The same way that you can date while not being abstinent. It doesn't necessarily change, girl. But you think these girls are just throwing away their. Their ch. Left, left and right. No shade.

No. Like, it's the same thing. Like my stance now. I'm a man, you're a woman. Do whatever you want with your body. But as a dating coach, I will tell you that having sex with men or being intimate with men very early is.

Recipe for disaster because you will chemically bond to a man and it will literally, like, destroy your critical thinking skills. So that's why I say it's like the same thing. Like, I always. I recommend not being intimate until after exclusivity. Now you gonna do whatever the hell you want to do, but that's what I recommend. Yeah, that's why I say there's like, no difference.

And thank you all so much for the almost 69,000 likes. I so appreciate you.

Vinnie said, you are on my Facebook page. I hope not, girl. No shade.

MK said. Thoughts on dating rappers.

No shade. But are we in junior high? What do we think the rappers are going to do for us?

Now, some of these rappers are literally just poets, right? Like, they're not about that life, but they know what the game is. But.

One thing that you're gonna know about me is like, I don't want you to date like, the charismatic men. I was actually just telling one of my clients this, that, like, the overly charismatic guys are often like the narcissist and the toxic guys. No, Shade, I want you dating like, like the boring guys.

Why do I say this? I say this because many, many women will try to date their fathers. And a lot of their fathers were toxic and very charismatic. And so. Oh, Bibi said make us cry in the lambos. The gag is that in your relationships, I want you to be the star. I want you to be centered. And with rappers, athletes, you'll never be centered. Talk to Ms. Biles, honey. She won't be centered. That's her choice. She's gonna have to deal with that and work through that. I want you to be centered. I always tell my clients, like, you know, like in high school they would, they would like, you know, they'll do those musicals and plays. And then you would have like the kids that would always do the acting and be in all the theater shows. And then you'd have all the techies. I want you to be the star. I want you to be on the stage and I want your man to be the techie in the background doing what needs to be done, making sure that you are centered. All of these guys that you're talking about, the rappers, the athletes, they want to be centered, which means that you're going to be a second class citizen in your own relationship.

That's not the T, girl. Then you're going to feel a lot of resentment and also it's going to trigger you because for many of us, we didn't get enough attention and nurturing and being cherished when we were growing up. So then you're even going to get even more triggered.

Don't do that, girl.

Big Lip said, what are your thoughts on dating bisexual men? It's not my thing. Personally. I never did it, but to each her own.

Tarot Boo said, dating a man that I have nothing in common with. Should I overlook our differences? Well, it depends. Like, what if? Are you talking about common interests? Because I think it's important. As long as you have common values, that's important. Like I, I want you. His job is to love you, support you, accept you, motivate you. His job is not to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta with you.

I mean, it's nice, but that's not his job as a husband.

Rochelle said, do you think couples should move in together before marriage? I think nowadays it's actually very important for you to understand what it looks like to live with a man. Why? Because a couple of things.

Everyone is going to have their own ways of thinking about this. Some of my Christian girls won't move in with them until they're married. I get that girl. Praise the Lord.

The other girls, I want you to live with your guys because I want you to know if you can live with him or not. Now, this is, I think, especially going to be helpful for black women who are dating and getting married to black men, because you have to understand that two thirds of black households were these black men were raised by single black women. And so many of them are looking for replacement mothers. And so they are going to act and live like little boys. And I don't want you to be in a situation where. Because this is how people get divorced. Not only are you making more money than the single black guy that you were dating, but now you have to take care of the house. And if you have kids, you're taking care of the kids most of the time, too. You're going to be over, you're going to get burnt out, and you're going to ask for a divorce because you didn't know how this man lives.

And most of these guys are not living in the way that they need to.

Can't even do laundry. No shade. Haven't even touched. Haven't even washed their bathrooms in six months.

You know? Oh.

What'S sk Said? Said, have you been watching my life? No, girl, I'm not a perv.

But that's what happens when you don't kind of see how he lives. Now, you can obviously check this out when you're dating him, but there's a whole another experience when you're actually living with him.

Okay, let me see what y' all are talking about.

Kobe Kane said, how should we navigate the alpha male complex? I'm not into alpha males. I don't want you to be into alpha males either. I and I did a video about this about how so many women are looking for their dream guy, which is like, hi, bad boy. Hi, nice guy. When you need to be looking for your husband, which is like mid bad boy and high nice guy. I did a whole matrix on this. But ultimately, you want to be looking for what I call the Alphabet guy. And when I say Alphabet, I don't mean a gay guy. Girl. What I mean is a guy that has both the masculine and the feminine. Right. What does that look like? It looks like, you know, like in our households in the holidays when the women were cooking all day for like Christmas or Thanksgiving and then they're like making the guys plates and the guys are just sitting and watching football. That's alpha. An alpha beta guy is someone who helps cook and is on the grill cooking and then also helping to prepare for the parties and to clean up. You know, we're doing it together. Those are the guys that I want you to focus on. Yeah. Brittany said, do you think we should reach our weight loss goal before dating anyone? No, girl, not at all. Because you're thinking that.

That your love life is going to be significantly different just because you've lost 20 or 30 pounds. No shade. But it's not. Your weight is not the reason why you're not getting your guy. And if you don't believe me, watch My 600 Pound Life. They always got a man.

They got a man because they're not thinking about their weight. No shade, they. Because their weight doesn't matter. It's about you as a person. It's about your confidence. And at the end of the day, what do they say in marriage? Through thick and thin, you're going to be thick sometimes you're going to be thin sometime doesn't really matter.

Yeah. And he's got to be able to handle all of it.

I'm in a marriage and my husband puts on 10 to 15, maybe sometimes 20 pounds during the winter, every. Every season. Girl hibernation tea. So thick and thin. Acceptance. That's what it's about more than anything else. And he, if he can accept you in the variety of shapes that you will be, he probably isn't your guy. Yeah.

Allison said you said in one of your videos to stress men out. What's the first step? When I say stress men out, I don't mean be a bitch. I mean have boundaries. So that what will stress them out is making sure that they stay within your boundaries every step of the way. Right. Because they know that if they step outside of your boundaries, they're out, they're gone.

Yeah. So I talk about this in my programs quite a bit. If you're interested in learning more about that, you can definitely, like, click the link in my bio and book a consultation call if you want to work with me. That's what I mean when I say stress amount. I mean be vulnerable and share your feelings because you want to see if these guys know how to be emotionally available and hold space. Doing that stresses them out because that's not, they're not well practiced in that men and women relate differently. Right? In male relationships, they do everything together. And female relationships, they, they tell everybody. They tell each other everything. Right. And so to be able to like, have to hear and listen to what you have to say and hold space for you is something that they're not used to doing. So that's going to give them stress, but ultimately stress and the hormone will make him bond to you more.

Okay, let me see what else is going on here. I hope this is helpful for you all. Let me know if we're learning something from this. As my mentor, Ms. Tyro, Tyra Banks would say, learn something from this.

I'm actually going to do a video about this tomorrow, but the research actually says. So there's like a difference between boy pretty and girl pretty. And women are actually, they are the ones that will actually, when thinking about how pretty women are, will be more apt to choose the skinnier woman than the average sized woman. Right. Men actually don't care as much as you think that they do.

Yeah, you care more than they do.

And if you're bigger, if you're a plus size girl, if you're a curvy girl, please understand that the guys that are into you like this, the tall, skinny gamers, those guys love the curvy girls. That's your lane, girl.

In dating, you have to know who, who, whose type you are. Yeah. So like when I was dating, I knew that teachers love me. I don't know, but why? But I was always with teachers and now I'm married to a teacher. If you're a curvy girl, please understand, like the gym bros, they love you.

The black and the Hispanic men, they love you. The tall, skinny, lanky gamer types, they love you. The guys that are like half your size, they love you, girl. Yeah, so for the, for the girl that was talking about, do I need to lose? Wait, no, girl, just go for the, the guys that are living for you. Make it easy for yourself. Don't go for the big guys. Sometimes the big girls think that, oh, let me just go with the big guy. Those big guys will project their internalized fat phobia onto you. And those are like the worst of the worst. Okay? So.

If you don't trust me, girl, try it for yourself.

But that's, that's the, that's the experience, the gag about. And when I say the gym guys, I'm not talking about some Random Joe, that is like pumps once a week. I'm talking about those.

Muscle guys, girl. They love the contrast, girl. They want to like, they want to do some sets at home, honey. They want to, you know. But the gag about the gym guys is that.

Sometimes it's like this.

So.

You know, checks and balances, I guess.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Girl. Ironic.

Yeah.

It'S D says how to turn a situationship to something real that doesn't happen. That doesn't happen. Don't play yourself. The girl you have to understand men will put you in a category and you'll stay there and he'll know that category within like the first conversation, first date, you're either going to be and I, I said I was going to do a video about this. I, I, maybe I'll do it this week or next week.

They'll either hide you. This is especially true for the bigger girls, the darker skinned girls, the trans girls. Right. So like they're hitting you up late at night, you know, they just want to hang out with you at home. Right. Or you'll like be in the middle category where it's like, I don't really know her, I'm getting to know her. She has some qualities, but I don't know if she'll be a good girlfriend or not. This is how oftentimes it'll turn into either a situationship or a girlfriend situation. It just depends on if there's like a trajectory where you all are getting connected more or they'll put you into like wife category. Right. And those are the guys that like.

You never have to question. You're never confused. Yeah. So men put you into categories. So if you already in a situationship, he's already put you into the lowest category. No shade.

So if you're.

Liking that category, go ahead, go off.

If you were my sister, I would tell you to leave immediately. That that man actually doesn't respect you and is using you for emotional support and intimacy.

And I think it's really disrespect.

Yana said, where can we meet our tech guy? Oh my God, girl. They're everywhere.

Silicon Valley, Austin, New York, Best Buy.

Online. Girl. Twitch, Discord.