Dating Q and A 03-12-24

House of.

Hello, hello, hello. I hope everyone is doing well.

Let me go to live on Instagram as well.

All right, I think we got it. Hello, hello, hello, everyone. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I hope everyone is doing well. Happy, happy Tuesday. Happy Tuesday. Tea. I'm so glad to see y' all coming in where we get to hang out and Kiki and talk about X, Y and Z, if you know what I mean. I'm already giving Dr. Seuss up in here. Somebody help me. Honey.

Should I vogue my cross? Should I broke my cross down.

Hey, girls. Hey, ladies. How you doing? What's the tea? What's going on? I just came from a group call. It went really well. Your mom said was there a live last week? No, girl, I was in Cancun, Mexico, on spring break getting white girl wasted. What were you doing?

What were you really doing? Ladies.

Heartbeat vibes that you must not be on Eastern time because a beauty, a beauty sleep is beauty sleep, girl. Honey, I'm still living off of that Mexican sun. Honey, do you see the glow? It's part Mexican sun. It's part husband, Honey. Get into it.

Yes, Honey.

West tea. Honey. West tea. The skin is skinning. B Soy said not white girl wasted. We missed you, girl. I missed you, too. D case Princess said, absolutely stunning. Stunner, Honey. Stuff stunna. Yes.

All right, let's see what the girls are talking about. Honey. I don't know why y' all are gagging on white girl wasted.

I think 2024 might be my white girl era. I'm not sure, girl.

Oh, my gosh, y'. All. Y' all getting me started up already. Y'. All. Y' all getting me acting a fool already. Yeah. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Anwar White. I am a dating coach for women of color. And I'm here to just, you know, Kiki with you all and, you know, so what I want you to do is if you have questions about love, about dating, about relationships, about men, women, anything and everything in between, honey, put them in the chat. Put them in the chat, and I will get to them in the order that I see them. And, you know, we'll get this party started and hopefully we will learn something new. As my mentor, Tyra Banks once said, learn something from this and hopefully you will level up your love life. Yeah. Someone asked talk more about how to be selfish. It means just doing the things you want to do and asking for things that you want from your guy. And if he's not. If he's not giving them to you, then go somewhere else where you're going to be given those things. The job of your guy is to just provide. Your job is to let him know what he want, what you want, and his job is to make it happen. Your job is to tell him how you're feeling. And his job is to make you happy again. Right? So it has to be based on your wants, your needs, your desires, all of that. Okay. Miranda said went on a date with a guy and found out he is in the middle of a divorce. Should I run? Yes. Girl. Girl.

So he separated. I've been doing this work for 14 years. I have never seen a relationship work with a guy that is separated. Never.

So, girl, you could try to be the first Guinness world record. Girl, probability is really low because it's not. It's not wrapped up. Right. And there's a deeper reason why I say this too. Because if he's doing something already and he hasn't created closure in something else, it means he doesn't have follow through. I tell my kids all the time when they're making their lunch in the morning, time they get up at 6 in the morning, if you take the bread out of the pantry, put it back, whatever you start, you need to complete. And if this man is not completing his stuff, he's not going to complete his shit when you're with him. Trust. Yeah.

Okay. Let me see what the girls are talking about. Hey, Lane. Hey, Esto. Hey, Reese. Twin said, hey, you from Oakland, girl. I used to live in West Oakland, girl. Come through those, those, those nice lofts near that target, you know? Hello, Glam Tam Tam. She said, we missed you. Miss being here. Hey, Coco mermaid. Hey, your mom. Hey, Sharon. And perfectly patina chef. Just Julie, Daphne, Sharon, Alicia. I want to do it the way that Whitney once did it. Ambie, Jan, Ayan, Elsa, Daphne, Jazz, Yvette Twin.

Oh, Lord. Yvette said, hey, I love your smile. Thank you, girl. Just FYI, if you want to learn more about what I do, definitely click the link in my bio. You want to work with me, book a consultation. I also have a link for my podcast. I just did a podcast and it just came out last week with the friendship expert Danielle Byer Jackson. She's an awesome, amazing, and she talks all about how do we get friends in our big age, how do we cultivate them, how do we make room for them, how do we navigate friendships while dating and being in a relationship. It's a great conversation, so definitely check that out. Yeah, good. Okay. Daphne said, dating a Finance guy. Should I be scared? Not really. No, Shade. But I guess the gag is, what kind of finance does he do? And does he working a lot? Because a lot of like. So I got my MBA from Columbia, and, like, I would say, like, two thirds of those guys were, like, investment bankers. And what I've learned about them is that they work really hard. Obviously, they're gonna make a lot of money, but you might not see them that much. And no, shade, they're not the smartest bunch. They just work really hard. Finance is like basic math. Yeah. It actually doesn't take a lot of intelligence. And I'm. That's not. That's not a read. That's not a shade. Right. I think sometimes people are intimidated because a guy says he works in finance. It's actually algebra.

And Excel. So you should be scared if you have. If you want a lot of quality time with your partner.

Yeah. Jess said, hi, pookie. I got a notification this time. Good. Good. Twin said, the San Francisco Bay area loves you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Jess said, wow. I'm seeing you so much in one week. Girl, we're bff. Girl, I don't know what to ticks. Re said, I'm going to Detroit next week, and I'm so scared. Why?

Why are you scared of Detroit? Girl.

It'S. It's coming up, girl. Your mom said, omg. I was waiting for the live. Well, I'm glad that you're here, girl. I'm glad that you're here.

Yeah. Daphne said, the Mexico. Did you. Well, not the Mexico girl.

Okay, let me see what y' all are talking about. Oh, my gosh. Questions are coming in already. I love it. Honey, I'm ready. I'm ready for it. B Said, how do you know when you should settle with the person you're talking to? I don't think that you should settle. And if you feel like you're settling, then you're probably going to be unhappy within two years.

A lot of people settle and then get divorced within two years. You want to be excited. You want to be happy. You want to be.

I guess the question is, what is your definition of settle and in what way? Yeah, because I already. I tell y' all all the time, my cheat code is mid looks top everything else. Now, if you feel like settling is based on a guy that has mid looks, you probably. In my mind, you probably hit the jackpot. You don't want a guy that's prettier than you.

And I think we know some couples that look like that? No Shade, Flo said. So scared to date with a daughter now and a crazy baby daddy. Okay, so what? Why are you scared? Because your guy is in the past, so he shouldn't have any. Any sort of say into what your romantic life is all about.

And you have a daughter, which means that you need a babysitter's club. So what's the fear, girl? Amaya said, how long is it okay to be single? For? As long. As long as you find your person. Many of us feel like we're in a rush to find our person. I think that the focus should be on yourself, focusing on healing, focusing on leveling up, working on the things that are going to make you the best, the woman that's ready for the best relationship of your life. This is the work that I do. That's what I focus on. And so if you're doing that, it doesn't matter how long it is. Because here's the thing. There's going to be a point when you're ready.

Just because you're ready doesn't mean you're going to find your person.

So. But one of the things that I think is important for many of you all is you're going to have to put yourself out there. Many of us aren't doing that. And because of that.

You have no dating momentum. That means you're not going to get any dating results. A lot of us are working from home and living from home and trying to date from home. I'm telling you right now, I've had to pivot this year. My clients are out and about because the apps are not apping. So if you have any questions about bucking apps, don't ask them. Because I'm not talking about apps because apps are not apping. You hear me? Ladies.

Get outside. Touch grass. Touch men.

Okay, Olivia said, should I introduce the guy I'm seeing to my toxic family members? If not, how do I explain? I can't by telling them my family is toxic and actually don't think it's a good idea. Be honest. They'll understand. Because guess what? We all got toxic family members. No, Shade sue said, will you talk about avoiding interview questions in first conversations? Yeah, girl, stop interrogating. So I don't care if you went to law school. Nobody wants to feel like they're at the end of an SVU episode, girl, and you're trying to get the truth out of them. You're not going to engender a level of trust and people are not going to be opening up to you. That's the thing. A lot of people will go on dates and like ask some of these really deep questions without realizing that you haven't earned that trust and that level of emotional safety for a man to be able to allow him to answer that. So actually what y' all need to do on these first dates is you need to banter, have fun, be light. That is the quickest and easiest way to actually have a guy open up and to trust you. And then you hit him with that vulnerability. Boom, boom. Gotta give you the Rocky honey. Boom, boom. Although I don't know if Rocky did all that, but anyway. User514 said, I love this selfish video today. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm happy to hear, happy to hear that. Because a lot of people, especially if you're a woman of color, you don't grow up like being conditioned and programmed to be more self centered. Like you are often conditioned to think about others and the community and your parents before you. And what that means is that you will take that and that will, that will be a bonding pattern for you and then you will start doing that in your relationships. And we actually have to flip it on its head if you want success in dating. Because if you are always focused on him, you're going to attract the users, you're going to attract the takers. Yeah. When you are selfish and you're focused on yourself and what you need, you're going to attract the people that want to provide and give to you.

And no shade, I don't know if there are a lot of white girls here, but that's what a lot of white women are doing. And like I was saying in my video, a lot of those girlfriends that you have that are complete bitches. No shade, they're always getting a man because they're always self centered.

And men like that because guess what? When you're self centered and you communicate what you want and what you need, it's very easy for a man to provide for that because he knows exactly what you need. And when he does that and you're satisfied, he derives his satisfaction.

Yeah.

Sapphira said, how hard has it been to date? Being as though you're a dating, you're a dating coach. Oh, I'm, I don't date girl. I'm married with children. I've been married for about 14 years now.

Yeah.

Maybe 13. Sometimes it's so long that you forget the count.

But yeah. And please understand that you probably want advice if you're like following because TikTok and IG are crazy, and they'll flood your algorithm with so much advice and things like that. If you want to work with a dating coach, make sure that that person is married and in a good one, a good relationship. And you can tell. You can tell based on how they show up. Right. If you're listening to someone and they have a calm nature and a centered nature about them, they're probably at peace. They probably feel safe. They're all over the place and they're crazy as hell. And da, da, da, da, da.

I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. So I'm calling this out because I've heard a lot that people are tired and exhausted, and I just want to offer that. I think it's these social media apps that are giving you all of this content and information and a lot of this is contradictory or that it's so much. It feels like you're literally reading each book of the encyclopedia that your mom got you when you were 8 years old. Anyone else had a whole set of encyclopedias that they had to, like, look up things and basically copy for their book reports? No shade.

Okay. Dano said. How do I know if my boyfriend is gay? I actually just did a. I was on a podcast and someone asked me about that because they were asking about dating in Atlanta, and I said, girl, go in the Jacuzzi with him. Girl, if he puts his butt to those jets, he's gay. Girl.

Girl, always that.

If his. I always say this. This is actually research back. I know y' all think I talk a lot of shit, but I'm actually being honest. If his index finger is, like, significantly shorter than his ring finger.

He'S probably gay. See mine? Do you see how significant that difference is? He's probably gay. If you ask him to check his fingernails and he does this instead of this, he's probably gay. Yeah. And if you want to bring, like, a gay friend around, if his feet are pointing toward your gay friend, he's probably gay. If he looks at another man and he looks at the. The guy up and down, he's probably gay.

If he's talking about a gay dude, he's probably gay.

Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Yeah. J Anne said. Omg. Hi. I watch all your videos. Awesome. Thank you so much for the support. Jordan said. Good evening. And we're Tik Tok. Still ain't trying to tell us when you are live. I feel like I'm a little bit like out of the Tik Tok jowl. Slowly but surely. I think I'm on parole. No shade for all my parolees out there. Just trying to do what they can for God in their country.

Cookie said, how. How should 60 plus year olds date? Well, girl, go on, go, go on, match. But also, girl, go play some pickleball, girl. Get you a pickleball man. Girl. Okay. Akira said and why I've missed you. I miss you too. Girl. And perfectly Patina said he's planning a first date. I don't know details, but location and time, you don't be surprised. Girl, you need to know surprises are not cute. Someone, I was just listening to somebody's live and she said she was doing she some guy like surprised her and girl, he took her to some BDSM party. We don't do surprises. You need to know every step of the way what is happening. Right. So you need to let him know. No, I need to. Can you tell me what we're doing? Because I want to be. I want to be dressed appropriately. Give him that tea. Yeah.

It'S Bella and Kristy said how to date with a child. It's hard to find a sitter. Family, friends, babysitters, clubs. Girl, there's Girl, there's always somebody in high school who trying to get an extra 15, $30 or whatever. Yeah.

Sir Amore. Yes. Girl. Yes, I'm here. Diane, thank you so much for the rose. Girl.

Sugar be. Thank you so much for the rose. Olivia, thank you so much for the 34 roses. Girl. Appreciate it.

Let me see what's going on here.

Thoughts on a guy who is honest about talking to another girl and I am his other option. That is dating, y'. All. That is dating.

Please understand if he's talking to another girl, you need to be talking to two other guys. Girl, compete. Honey.

Here'S the thing. Girl, Someone said she meant it's hard to get a free babysitter. Family and friends girl, Family and friends. Drop them off at your girlfriend's house. Say I'll be back at midnight or I'll be back in the morning. That's what girlfriends are for.

Sugar Bean, thank you so much for the rose. Girl.

Hina said, how do I know which men are attracted to me? Girl, they will. Their feet will be pointing toward you. Body Language 101. Fun Fun said advice on dating overweight men.

Are you a plus sized woman? Because one of the things that I have found is that a lot of.

Plus size guys will project their fat phobia to a lot of plus size women. So it might not be a Good sitch. Right. The other thing that I think is important is to. You have to understand that your job as a partner is to accept a person. So don't go into this thinking, okay, I'm gonna be with him, and I'm gonna make him lose a lot of weight. This is not the Biggest Loser TV show. Right. So don't go in it trying to do that. So you got to. You. You got to go into it realizing if this is the person that's in front of you. Are you okay with that? Not trying to change him? Not trying to do anything.

That'S important.

Hey, D45.

Hey, y'. All.

Hope y' all are doing well.

Queen said, you're glowing. Thank you, girl. This is because I was in those. That Mexican sun, honey. And you know what? I put that clear water on my face, girl, and it cleared up my skin, girl. That's what happened, honey.

K. Self care said, and where you are so delightfully adorable. Thank you. Can I just say something?

Please understand that if you call a guy adorable or cute, he's going to take it as an insult. I don't take this as an insult because I'm not checking for you and you're not checking for me, so I don't care. But I want to let you all know what you say and how you talk to a guy matters. Right. He doesn't want to hear he's cute. He doesn't want to hear he's adorable. He's going to take that as patronizing. Yeah. So something to clock.

Curly said. Love everything you are doing. Oh, hey, hey.

Can you give tips on flirting? I don't know how. This is what I do in my program. Unfortunately, that's what we did two weeks ago. Actually. We figured out each of my ladies flirt style, and then we align that flirt style to where they should be going outside. Right. Because if you flirt in a certain kind of way based on who you are, there are certain places that you probably shouldn't go. Yeah. So that's something that I actually provide in my program. If you're interested in that. Definitely book a call. The links and all of that are in the link in my bio. Yeah.

Sweet. 22. Catching feeling for a married man. Didn't know he was married till recently. My question for you is, if you were the wife, what would you want? What would you want to do? Actually, just talked to a client about this, and she.

She looked him up and she said, I'm gonna. I'm have to tell this wife. I said, yes, sister. It's a sorority. Y' all are not in competition.

Yeah.

Charm G said, hey fairy God bro. Hey girl. Bar said, love you. Thank you girl. Reese said, the Whitney moment. Yes, girl.

Yes. Christina. I'm a survivor. That's the only thing I was missing.

Pretty healthy said the ginger men love black women. They do girl. They do, they do girl. That orange plus that brown, I think it makes like. What does it make? Auburn. Ah get into it.

And said elmware, you're a blessing. Thank you. I appreciate that. Elsa said, omg I used to live in that part of West Oakland by Emeryville. Were we neighbors? Probably girl.

Probably. Debrief said, hanwha, I can't stay long. Just want to say hi. Hey girl, good to see you.

Imani said, how do I stop caring about love while I'm young? By realizing like using your dating life in the same way that you're going to be working your career life that like every job that you're gonna have is just going to be a one to three year stitch. Like you're not basing your whole life on this job that you're in right now. And this is how I want you to think about these men that you're gonna have them on rotate every two years or depending on if you're a serial monogamous, maybe every four years like a presidential cycle girl.

Mm.

Giselle said for a first date he said he got his 2020 museum ticket online. Sent me the link for me to buy mine I would just put three question marks.

I don't know what this is. This looks like spam. This looks like hacker. This looks like infection. I'm not going to click on this link.

Coffee shop chats what would be reasons why a femme woman would be keep attracting men in their femme? No shade but you're probably not femme. As a femme myself, no.

I think that you're probably in your masculine energy and you probably don't even know it.

Because a feminine woman actually repels a feminine man because a feminine woman's not doing anything and a feminine man is expecting the other person to do a lot of different things. Chase provide do think all of that. So I want to just offer that to you.

Oh yeah everybody, if there's anything that I'm saying that's resonating with you, tap, double tap, triple tap the screen. Thank you all so much for the 25,000 likes on tick Tock. I appreciate it. I forgot to say that but you know I just got into my coaching girl. I just got into my Q A honey Because I'm in it to win it. Yeah. Casey Jovan said, hey, I'm more so glad to join you tonight. Your lives are always amazing. Thank you, girl. If you think these are amazing, these are literally just like a sliver of what I do in my actual programs. Right. One of the things I try to do is make sure that like the shit that I get for free is literally better than anybody's paid shit like this. That's. That's my intention that like, if you literally listen to all of my videos, all of my podcasts, come to all of my lives, you should be able to get a guy.

That I literally. Even with that information, you should be able to get your guy if you feel like you want to do that deeper work so that you don't self sabotage while you're in the relationship. That's why we get into the program.

Yeah. Twin said, I'm getting something off my plate so I can sign up for coaching. Amazing. Can't wait.

Carter said, hey, my fairy godbrother, I love you down. You better love me up too. No Shade.

Yes, honey. Shade. No shade. Girl.

Kunmi said that's not a read and then reads them, girl.

She really said accounting is a little more intricate. It is. Blessings that you broke the finance myth. I know. I think a lot of people get. Okay, wait. Someone said Chicago Bread. I work in finance as a manager with serial background in finance. Y' all get intimidated by these guys that are in finance thinking that it's so complicated. You literally need to learn how to do Excel. You can take an Excel course and if you pass seventh, eighth grade algebra, you're good.

Brittany says finance seems like AP Excel. Literally. If you like intensely work with Excel for a month, you can do any. Most of these finance jobs. No, Shade.

Don't let it intimidate you.

Yeah.

Oh, it just skipped on me.

I have to scroll up.

You said, what do I. What to do if I get approached all the time, but it all ends up with just words and no actions. Don't take these men seriously when they're approaching you in the wild. They're just hunting you. No, Shade. But a lot of women that get approached, they, they, they are seen as prey. That's why, like, when you look a hot ass mess. No Shade. Because we all do at times you'll probably get approached the most.

So I know I always say don't take these guys seriously, especially if they are like trying to approach you in places where you literally have to go to live your life.

No, no. You want to meet people, like I always say, in, like, invisible velvet rows, places where not everybody can get in. That's where you want to approach and mingle, connect, interact and all that shit. But if I'm at the gas station and somebody's trying to pick me up, it's an automatic, I'm sorry, I don't have any change.

And I keep it moving and I switch. You know how Loretta Divine does it? And waiting to exhale. That's how I do it at the gas station, girl. But I'm six two, so they're not really coming for me, girl.

Ariel said, hey, girl. Hey, girl.

Sally said, why don't you go live on Instagram, too? I am live on Instagram, girl. Miss Know It All.

Yeah.

D said, that's on walking dates. I think it's good to, like, combine, like, walking with something else. So it's like go get some Boba and then walk or coffee and then walk or, like, walk afterwards, right? Yeah.

Kira said, places to meet white men. As a black woman, girl, they're everywhere.

They're the majority of the US girl. Yeah, I think, actually, I think white women are, because I think there's like 1 or 2% more white women than there are white men. But they're freaking everywhere. Maybe too many places. No shade.

What do I say? Where do you want to meet the white man, girl?

Banana Republic, Bass pro shop.

Hiking, hockey, baseball, dog parks.

Places like that. Yeah. Board game places.

You know, Renaissance fairs, Comic Cons. That's a good mix of both white and Asian.

Yeah. Hope that helps, girl. And when I say these things, I think, you know, I've gotten to a point where I get so many opinions and shit. I don't say, go to places to meet them. Find something that I've just said that aligns with a passion of yours. Go and do that. Twofer something that you enjoy and that you might find and meet somebody.

Bands said, I followed all your advice and I'm so happy with one man. Should I still build a roster? Yes, always. You are single until you're in an exclusive relationship.

Grace said, I want to date, but I'm. I'm nervous. I'm tired of being disappointed.

If you. Well, a couple of things. If you're disappointed in dating, it means that you have expectations, so you're gonna have to let those expectations go. And that is all about managing your mind.

That's the work. Yeah.

A Majesty said, single for two years, men never approach me, even when I'm done up. Why? Variety of reasons, but the why doesn't matter. That's not the goal. You don't want guys to approach you.

No shape. We're not at like a seventh, eighth grade, junior high dance.

And to be honest with you, these guys are not approaching people in the same way that they did because we're in a post. Me too environment post pandemic. Maybe in 96, these guys were, you know.

Approaching you much more. They're not going to do it anymore. I don't want women to think something's wrong with you just because guys are approaching. There's a cultural shift happening. Yeah. And so what. What it means is that you're gonna have to give the green light. Right. You're gonna. If you got your, your AirPods on and you reading a book and you're on your phone, you don't look like you want to be messed with. You don't want to be talked to. Put that shit away, girl. Look around. Smile. Feel yourself. Shoulders back. A cups out. No shade, right? Have fun. Live in your best life, girl. Get into your main character energy.

That's what it. That's what it looks like. These are some of the things that I help my clients get into so that they can have interactions in real life.

Will said, do you watch Married to Medicine? Toya and Eugene? I My partner and I, this is one of the things that we do. We watch reality TV all day, every day. And right before my session, we watched the lots. The last two reunion episodes. Toya and Eugene. Don't be Toya. Eugene is a good husband and a good man. Like, he's probably the best husband out of all of them. Yeah.

And if there's anything to learn from a relationship like Toya and Eugene's, it is this.