Dating Q and A 05-29-24

Hello, hello, hello. I'm just trying to get this IG together. Girl, Instagram is a mess. It never lets me get my life. I never can go double duty on these hoes. No shade. Yeah.

I gotta figure out what the tea is. Hello, hello. Hello, ladies. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Come on in. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Hello, ladies. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Now, for those of you that don't know me, my name is Coach Anwar. I am a dating coach for black and brown women. And, yeah, I am here because I want to help y' all level up in your love lives. Yeah. So with that said, here's what we're going to do tonight. We are going to Kiki. We're going to talk some Ish. We're going to. Yes. They call me the Fairy Godbrother, and I love that name. I'm going to sprinkle a little bit of dust. It's going to be a little bit different than Sprinkle Sprinkle. It'll be my own Sprinkle. Sprinkle. It'll be my Sprankle. Sprankle. Yeah.

And I will answer any questions as they relate to love, dating, relationships, and men or women. We are quite inclusive here. So put your questions in the chat and I will answer them in the order that I see them. Yeah, IG is messing up, so I don't know what's going on. I'm going to exit and then come back.

So, yeah, put your questions in the chat, and then I will answer them in the order that I see them. Okay, how does that sound, ladies?

I hope it sounds good. Yeah. All right, let me see what the girls are talking about. And by the way.

If you want to learn more about what I do, definitely go to the link in my bio and.

You'Ll learn.

Sorry, honey, I'm trying to do too many things at once and my brain is going haywire. So I have a link to book a consultation. Call with me if you want to work with me professionally. I also have a link to my podcast. I just actually published a podcast that I did a couple years ago called which Girl Are youe? I did a mini video about this last week, but this podcast actually expands upon the idea. So definitely go to Apple or Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts and check that episode out and follow, subscribe to the podcast. That helps a lot and review it if it's a positive review. Girl, we don't want shadiness.

And, yeah, and I also have free trainings. Yeah. So definitely get onto the free training on any and all of those lists so that you can get free dating advice from me. Yeah. Because I'm here, as many of you already know, to serve and to offer new and different perspectives as it pertains to dating. Because I want you all to win. At the end of the day, I want you all to be dating differently so that you're getting a different result. And dating can be really difficult and complicated. And my intention is to make it so that it is. You gain clarity within yourself. Okay. All right, so let's see what y' all are talking about. Hello, Santorini 305, diva. Hello, Nazira, Nash, Aylin, Izzy. Hey, Chanel. Hey, Alina. Hey, Corey, Tiff, Brits.

Hello, Lioness. J Said fairy godbrother. Yes, I am here, honey. I am here. Put everyone put your questions in the chat, and I'm going to answer them in the order that I see them. K Said Amor. We love you. Love you, too. Thank you so much for all of the support and love. I really do feel it. And.

Keep it coming, honey. Keep it coming. Now let me. Let me know where y' all are coming from. Yeah. What city, what state, what country and. And what y' all are given. Yeah, I wanna. This is a roll call. I wanna. I wanna hear from the black girls. I want to hear from the Latina girls. I want to hear from the Asian girls. I want to hear from the white girls. I want to hear from my Indian, Middle Eastern, Muslim, Arab girls. I want to hear from my African girls. I want to. I want to. I want. I want y' all to be representing, honey. What are y' all given tonight? That's what I want to know. Yeah. And if there's anything that I say on this live that resonates with you, tap, double tap, triple tap the screen. Like, like, like, like, like. Also so that I know if there are certain subjects and topics that I need to do full on videos about, because these lives actually help me to understand what topics I should talk about. Like those. The video that I did today, all about getting with corny men. I got that from my live, my last live. So I did a video about it. Yeah. Okay, let me see. J. Marie said, what are your thoughts of men who lie about their height?

I mean, is the lie. Is he saying he's 6:1 and he's 5:8, or is he saying he's 6ft? Feet and he's 5'10? A lot of people will give small, like, small little lies on their profile because they'll get different, they'll get different response rates. So if I'm five' ten and I put six feet in my profile, I'll probably get 20, 25% more likes or matches. If I am 50 years old or older, I will only see 50 and 60 and 70 year olds. But if I put 48, 49, you'll also get to see 40 year olds. So there are little white lies that happen on apps that actually gain more, you know, responses. And so it, I think it, I think if it depends on those sorts of thresholds, I'm not tripping about it too much, but if it's other things then I would, it would give me pause. Queen Vibe said. How to meet men Besides the apps Girl, they're everywhere, unfortunately.

So one of the things that I think is important, I always tell women that you want to go to two places a week. One place that you're going to regularly go to where everybody knows your name. I call it your cheers point. Whether that's the, whether that's the gym, whether that's a happy hour at a bar near your work, wherever it may be. And then you want to go to a new or different place every week to diversify. Right. There are people that are meeting guys on.

Singles events. Right. So that's another kind of more intentional place for you to meet guys. But girl, they're everywhere. What kind of guy do you like? Right. One of the things that we do in my program is help my clients understand their flirt style and then align the places that they need to go based on their flirt style. Yeah. Tati said, does it make me a bad person if I don't want a prenup? No. Girl, I do think that prenups can protect you if you set them up well, though. And my whole thing is around making sure that women are very protected in dating, love, relationships. Yeah. Whitney said, Thoughts on black women and Asian men as a match? I think it's a great match. I just think that culturally and the families can often get in the way. That's why you don't hear me talk a lot about.

Like Indian men or Korean men. Because girl, those families.

Stick in the muds. No shade. Yeah. And they aren't as open or tolerant as we would like to think. And sometimes some of these men are so influenced by their family that they can't even think for themselves.

Guadalupe said, you are the best. I love your content. Thank you so much. Chanel said, what are the best careers for men?

Well, I will tell you what careers I don't like.

Police officers, surgeons, pilots, firefighters, military.

Those careers are lawyers, pastors. Those careers can give a man a God complex. And he will often bring that God complex complex to the household, right to the relationship, which can make it a very toxic dynamic. Yeah. What careers do I like? I like engineers. I like.

I like blue collar, like plumbers, H vac technicians.

I like accountants.

Yeah.

Missy Bus said, I'm in Connecticut. Do I have to move to find a man? No, not necessarily. I just think it's important for you to probably put your radius on like a lot. A big radius. I want you getting to Boston. I also want you basically getting to New York as well.

Brianna said, he asked me to be his girlfriend four weeks in, even when I said I wanted more time.

Well, you get to set that boundary with him and if he doesn't respect it, you need to go. I think that we should be making that decision.

Minimum at eight weeks.

Yeah. Izzy said, Is texting constantly before the first official date bad? No, not necessarily. But I think if it's not feeling good for you, then you need to set a boundary, let them know, hey, I'm really busy right now, but you know, I'm looking forward to connecting with you on Saturday.

Going from there.

Lord's little one said how to gracefully get out of a four year relationship without drama. Well, I can't. The thing about it is we can't control what other people are going to do, right. That like even if you did, if, even if you said the perfect thing, did the perfect thing, depending on that person's mood for the day or just their mental place.

They may not take it well. Your job is to set the boundary though, right? I think it's important to.

Either do it over the phone or do it in a public place.

A lot of women feel this like passive pressure to do it in person because of the time and the history and things like that. And they never want to be that guy on Sex and the City who like broke up with Carrie on a post it note. But you have to think about your safety first and foremost. The police departments have a whole like high pile of what they call passions of crime, which essentially means that men freak the fuck out and like go ballistic when you break up with them. Especially in a private place like a home. Right. So I would suggest not doing that. But if you're going to do it and you feel inclined to do it, do it in public, girl. Do it in the middle of an in n out, in a McDonald's, at a Starbucks, a place that's busy with a lot of people all the time.

Fab said. How do we get men to lead the conversation, especially on dating apps? You don't. We don't make men do anything. They either have it or they don't. And if they're not asking you a question, move on, move on.

Linda said, Is it normal to go through a phase where we don't care for men? Yes, girl, it's super normal. And if you don't have it, then you're not going through all of the different stages, girl. You have to get to a point where you have so here's how it goes. It's like you really are into guys and then you, because of some of the experience that you have with them, you like really are like so hardened by them that you don't like them. And then you get to a point where you've been so hurt by them that you can be scared of them. And my job as a dating coach is exposed if you're in the hardened place to soften you up and to find trust within yourself and also if you're in the hurt place to find safety within yourself and to help to understand men a little bit differently. Right. But yes, it's a very normal process and part of the dating journey. Arista said, hi coach, I was wondering on dating apps, perhaps after you guys matched at the guide text first, it can happen either way, right? I guess the question that you have to ask yourself is if I never saw this profile again, would I be kicking myself in the butt because I didn't say hi? And if the answer is yes, then reach out.

Kenny said, hey Amwar, how do you meet a man on your level and can treat you accordingly? Love your videos. Thank you. Well, I guess the question is what is your level, girl? Jenny said, how do you bring up the what are we Conversation? What not to do? Well, you don't ask what are we? Because then you're putting it in his court and in his hands and he's being the the judge and the jury here. No, if you're ready to be exclusive with him, then you let him know where you're at and see if he's where you're at. And if he's not, then you go. But you got to be ready to go. So don't bring up that conversation unless you are ready to leave. If the answer is I'm ten toes deep in this.

Case, a Thoughts on men who's trying their best Giving their all is bare minimum to you, girl. If he's at 100%. And it's at your 20%. There's no way that you're going to get your feelings fully met. I don't care if he's trying his best. There are a lot of students out there that are trying their best and still getting Ds.

We only deal with a students here. Do you hear me? It's not enough. And you get to let him know that it's not going to work for you, unfortunately, and that you get to wish him the best of luck.

S23 said. Do Asians get attached quickly? How do they show they like a girl?

Here's the thing. This isn't just, like, specific to Asian women or men. I think it's, like, just your. Your emotional availability. So if you're a hard girl, if you're someone who tries to be, like, stone cold and not have emotions, you're gonna. You're gonna fall the hardest. Yeah. And if that's been your experience, girl, put it in the chat, girl. Because I know that, like, the people that are really hard on the exterior and that showing emotions are actually very soft on the inside. This was very true in Germany and some of those other colder cultures. And it's the same with Asian culture. At least this has been my experience. Right. And so if you're able to penetrate that, like, exterior layer.

With just simple, like, exposure and, like, communication and connection, then they can get attached pretty quickly.

How do they show they like a girl? They'll just be hanging around you.

Like, you'll. You won't be able to get rid of them. They'll always just be around.

Yeah.

Ms. Kingwood said blind date with engineer. What to wear dresser pants. Well, first, I think that you should have a phone date with him to even see if you guys have. If you like him and you want to get to know more of him, I would say never go on a blind date. If you haven't, don't go on a date unless you've had a phone date with them. You would be surprised what you learn on that phone date, which will save you a lot of heartache and pain.

Yeah. Victoria said. Coach Amwar, can you reiterate why we should date the corny guys? Because they're the best. Because you got to be corny to be a great husband. Corny guys are actually true romantics. Corny guys make the best dads. You got to be corny to be a good dad. Yeah. Corny guys are the guys that are like.

That allow you to be the superstar instead of having to be on the background.

They support you and your goals and they want you to be the best.

That's why, like, anytime my clients say, oh my God, he's so corn, I'm like, bitch, no shade. That's your husband, girl. Put that butter on that corn, girl. And go to the movies, live happily ever after. You hear me?

That's why in the last three days, I've had three of my clients get into relationships. Exclusive, committed, healthy relationships with one of my clients, move in with her guy, and another client who's been in a relationship for a while get to the I love you stage. Right.

And they are very happy. Btw.

Yeah.

10:55 said, why do some guys not call after the first date? Is it day or date? I don't understand. Big Meechee said, what's the name of the podcast? It's called the get your guy coaching podcast. Check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out. So Renati said, how do you know if the guy is on the DL? Because his energy is giving that.

As someone who is embarrassed to say, but, you know, we're all family here, I have dealt with a number of DL men.

DL men are actually really homophobic. So if he's homophobic, then he's probably on the DL.

If every. If he is talking about gay stuff a lot. Like.

If he's talking about trans people in sports, if he's talking about Dwayne Wade's daughter, Right. If he's talking about.

Diddy and all his gayness, yeah.

He'S too interested in that shit. Like, secure straight guys, they're not talking about gay dudes or gay shit. They're just, like, living their lives. Because that's like a non motherfucking factor, right? The other thing that you can do, Serena, which I think is really important, which I've had to do for many of my girlfriends, is you got to bring a gay best friend around.

And see how he reacts to that. If he's looking at him a lot, if his feet are pointed toward him, it means that his interest is toward the gayness. That's how I always knew that I could get a guy. If his feet were pointing toward me, I already knew that I had him. That's why I could always pick out with severe accuracy like, who was gay, who is not, or who was checking for me and who was not.

Tati said, does it make me a bad person if I don't want a prenup? He has money.

Oh, I've already answered that question.

Mary Said what app would you recommend? I'm so tired of. What are you tired of exactly? Date apps. Right now I am. It's a really personalized experience so it's going to depend on your age, your race, your skin tone, your size, your location for me to give great recommendations and I generally do that for my clients. Now it's a bit more complicated and tricky this year so it requires a bit more analysis. Laura Said, Love your content. Unfortunately I'm giving up on dating. You get to. Yeah, please do. Like it's hard out there and if you're not in it to win it, if you want to half ass and dating, you're not going to get results and it is going to be a waste of time because you're not going to learn anything because the energy that you're putting out into dating is not going to be one that is going to be receptive. So if you are stink stank right now, and I mean this with love and respect, don't date. Take a break.

El Said, she looks good in green. Thank you honey. I'm giving green because I love Irish men and it attracts them. Girl.

Nadia, thank you so much for the rose. Kiki Said where do I meet spiritual men who meditate and work with crystals?

Girl Albuquerque, New Mexico. Girl Go to like different like festivals, concerts.

Yeah.

Yoga retreats, cults.

Ray said, Would you say it's wrong to leave at the first red flags? Well I'm someone who doesn't necessarily talk in red flags or green flags. It's really about how you feel and I guess the question that you have to ask yourself is generally what I say is on a scale from 0 to 10, how serious of a quote unquote flag is this? If it is like you know, let's say a seven or above. Yeah, you should go immediately. If it's anything lower than that then I would set a boundary.

Yeah. Girl I said cult. What of it?

While I'm scrolling up, if you are interested in working with me, definitely book a consultation call and we'll see if it's a good fit. So I can help you get your guy in the next year. Yeah, because the girls are doing I have two ladies, one in Atlanta and the other one in LA that are about to have their exclusivity conversation and following my six point framework in terms of how to handle that conversation so that they can get their guy. Because that's what we're doing in this program, honey. Yeah. Jesse said, advice for lover girls dealing with scarcity mindset. So you can work on those things outside of your dating life. So one of the things that I would say is.

Give yourself a weekly treatment.

Which means that, like, a treat is something that's different than a reward. A treat is something that you give yourself because you want it and you want to pleasure. You want self pleasure. A reward is I've done something, so I get a reward because I've done something. A treat is. I'm getting it because it pleases me. So treats are important because oftentimes, not all of the time, but oftentimes it requires spending money on you. A lot of our scarcity mindset comes from our money wounds. And especially if you are someone of color or someone who grew up, you know, with, not without a lot of money, you might have a scarcity mindset because.

You didn't have a lot of money, so everything was scarce. Right? And so this is about doing the things that you want to do and kind of being, like, audacious about it. So, for example, I'll give you an example. For spring break, like, I was like, oh, I really want to leave. I really want to go to the Caribbean or Mexico for spring break. And then the. The flight started getting more and more expensive. And then.

Like, the morning of, I was like, I want to go to Cancun. And I did it.

And I took my family. And I'm sharing this with you is because it's interesting what happens when you lean into the things that you want. You actually get a lot of different things coming. So, like, on the way there, I had the Washington Post contact me, and I had a whole article on me. The Washington Post, Right. And I gained two new clients, like, that day, which literally paid for the flight. So it's like doing those things that you would tell yourself no and telling yourself yes, that will help you kind of get out of that scarcity mindset.

Heart emoji said. Why do they always become inconsistent after a couple of dates? Well, I don't know the why exactly, because it can be a number of different reasons, But a lot of people are just inconsistent anyway, so please understand. Like.

Just because you have a second date with a guy doesn't mean that you're gonna. The third date is promised. Like, in my data, I've been a dating coach for 14 years. It roughly looks like a third. Third of the time you'll have a third date. A lot of the times what happens is they're not feeling sexual or physical chemistry, and we haven't. More importantly, we haven't made some of those Emotional bonds. One of the things that I do in my program is I have what I call the get your guy dating process, where I teach my clients, date one, date two, date three, what kind of dates they should be, why they should be that way, what things you need to do on the dates to connect and align with the male psyche, to move toward kind of exclusivity, commitment, and all of those things. Yeah.

God has said, hey, love, how do you reject him for intimacy when it's too early in the dating stages? We let him know, you know, although I'm really attracted to you, I actually don't. I'm not intimate with anyone that I'm not in a full fledged committed relationship with. That's my boundary and I appreciate you respecting that boundary.

Tamara said, that's true. In my opinion, my corny guy is all of that. Yep. Corny guys where it's at. Honey, get into it, get into it.

Tanaya said, thoughts on a Japanese man who is persistent? Girl, get, get into it. But the gag is you need to understand that some of these Japanese men are King K. You hear me? King K, girl. So sometimes you got to be ready for it.

Yeah.

Twas said, my best friend said he wants to date me months after turning me down. What should I do? A lot of the times they will do that, not because they don't like you, but because they don't want to ruin the actual friendship that you have. So before you date him, you need to gain clarity in terms of why he turned you down. And if the answer is I didn't want us to ruin this relationship, but then my feelings for you grew. Move forward. If it's. I wasn't feeling it at that time. Don't date him.

Breezy said, who says I love you first? The thing about it. And thank you all so much for the 20,000 likes. I appreciate it. If there's anything that has resonated with you, definitely tap the screen. Double tap, triple tap.

Most of the time, women will be the ones that will move the relationship along because you all are the emotional leaders and you set the pace of all of your relationships. So more times than not, I would say roughly 70ish percent of the time, women will say I love you first. Women will bring up marriage and engagement and potentially moving in and having children.

Forget what you see on social media with all of these clips of these guys surprising the proposal and things like that. Please understand they probably had three to five different conversations about that.

Kelpei said, I feel like all guys cheat.

The latest Research that I've seen around cheating is that roughly that percentage is anywhere from 20 to 25%. But obviously the data is biased because it's self reporting. So I would actually probably double that. So I think that the data is probably closer to 40 to 50% of guys cheat and the data showed that it was significant difference between black and brown men versus white men that black and brown men cheated more.

Mariah said, I've been watching your videos like crazy. Thank you, girl, you're the one that's racking up all these views, girl. Appreciate it.

Tia Baby said, best way to answer the what are you looking for question from men, girl, you want to tell them everything and nothing at the same time because you don't want to give them the recipe to make you fall in love with them because you don't know them. A lot of the girls will be like, oh my God, I love flowers. I'm looking for a guy that's really emotional and then they'll just check off the boxes because they want to hook up with you. You want to just let them know, hey, you know, I'm really looking to get to know people, connect with them, learn about myself in this process and hopefully it'll lead to a long term relationship.

Yeah, see I gave a very broad overview.

And go from there.

Asia said, should I approach guys first? No one seems to approach me in person and I know I ain't ugly. Being approached has actually less to do with your appearance than you would think. That's why like most of us will get approached when we're looking a hot ass mess. Actually, you'll. Yeah, you'll get more approached if you look a mess. Right. Why? Because men will approach you because they think that you're an easier target.

That you look like weaker prey, that he won't be rejected by. Right.

Most guys are not approaching women in the same way that they used to. The approach rate is roughly a third of what it used to be based on.

You know, we're in a post me too environment. We're post pandemic. Like there's a lot of different relationships with, with space between people now. Right. So I'm sharing this with you so that you think, oh, it's not just you. It's actually a cultural thing that has happened.

Should you approach a guy first? No, I don't think so. I don't think you that you should walk up to some guy in your pimp walk and go a baby. Right. But I do think that we can position ourselves close to guys and start conversations. Right.

Give him a compliment. Ask him for help. Ask for a recommendation.

Janice Journey said, you give great advice. Thanks. I may start dating again. Good. Good, good, good.

Natalie said, I'm seeing a Nigerian man.

And he has moments where he calls me auntie. He started by calling me Bougie.

Okay. And.

I don't know, girl. I don't know. These, these names actually are creating distance between you and him.

Yeah. Anyone that has been with a Nigerian man, let's help our sister Natalie Gaza out. What are the nicknames that they get? They all Nigerians will always give you a pet name. But put the pet names in the chat so that you understand exactly the difference between your pet names theirs. Yeah. By the way, pet names are like one of the things that most love bombers will do. Especially earlier on in the courtship process.

Baby. Wife.

Darling. Fine. Girl. Mama. My wife.

Baby. Dear. Babe.

Don't let them call you auntie.

He's called you old girl.

Yeah. Yes. Honey. Get out. Part two. That's the tea. That's the tea. P said, I'm a black woman. Where can I find the ginger white guys? Girl. This is true tea.

Go to Ireland.

Specifically Dublin. Specifically northern Dublin. That's where most of them are now. You know that they are as girl. As white as this mouse. So most of them actually will not come out in the daytime. So you have to. They're like vampires. Girl. So you're going to have to find them in the nighttime. That's why you haven't found them.

Girl. Roam in the nighttime. Girl. That's how you're gonna find him. Northern Dublin. Thank me later when you have those red headed light skinned babies. Girl.

Name one of them after me.

Hella said. So funny how I'm obsessed with him now. But I don't text. Okay.

Does he feel sick? We broke up because he thought he couldn't juggle a career and relationship anymore. Is that valid? 100%. Men self actualize. Self actualize through their career. So when he says he can't do it, it's because he's not in a place in his career where he feels self actualized and that he could actually provide for a future family. And he's going to need all of his testosterone to get to that next level to that promotion. And he can't do that and be the best boyfriend for you because he knows that he's not going to be a great boyfriend. And then it's also going to affect his promotion and then he's going to feel like a failure in both places and he wants to be and feel like a winner. Very valid. CDL said, you are so great and I always learn from you. Also I want my teeth as white as yours girl go to my dentist get the same veneers I did girl.

Yes it guy I'm seeing long distance for 3 months now said he wants me to move to him so we can be exclusive. You you guys are going to have to have exclusivity before one moves to one another. I wouldn't ask for I don't think that you should have one should be moving to another one for at least a.

Yeah.

Major Said. Why does a man cheat on his girl but stay with her even if he's unhappy? So cheating actually has so doesn't have a lot to do with the partner. It actually has to do with one's own self concept and unhappiness in life. So so like for example if a man.

Is poor, if a man is not where he's at in his career, if a man feels like he has no options, he's going to cheat because he wants to feel, he wants to empower himself. He wants to feel powerful. Right now if a woman emasculates him, he will also cheat. Right. But that actually happens less so than some of the other things that happen in his life.

So he stays because.

The cheating doesn't have much to do with her.

Yeah and he will stay with her even if he's unhappy because he would rather have the emotional support, the sex, the attention, the ego boost of being with her than being alone.

Yeah.

Yes. Anitam said he post his lives on his YouTube too. Yeah so all my lives, all my videos, different clips from my lives are all on my YouTube. I have like 1400.