Dina’s Love Journey

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

I never felt the way I do without anyone but you.

Hello, my loves. And thank you so much for joining me today. I have a very special guest, Ms. Dena Lewis. Thank you so much for joining me. And I just want to let you know Dina is a client of mine who has rocked out the program. And I thought it was going to be so important to hear from someone who did the work in all different aspects of what the work really looked like so that you could also get a sense of what is necessary for you to actually make the transformation that is necessary. So, Dina, thank you so much for joining us today.

Thank you for having me.

I'm so happy that you're here, girl. I'm so excited. So why don't you kind of just introduce yourself to everyone out there, let them know kind of what you're all about and what your story is.

Thank you again for having me. I'm just as excited to be here with you today. My name is Dina. Like Anwar said before, I'm an actress currently based out of Miami, Florida, but looking to relocate soon to Los Angeles.

Yeah, before you were teaching, right?

You were.

So she was located in New York and you were teaching. And one of the reasons why I'm bringing this up is because oftentimes what I find is that people that are in nurturing careers or professions, that actually translates into how they show up in their relationships. Right. Where they are super nurturing to their partners or potential partners. And sometimes that can screw you over.

Definitely. Because in that profession, you're kind of ingrained. I taught for the past seven years middle and high school ages, English and theater, performing arts, and especially in those subject areas, too. So it's like you're getting hit with a double whammy. You're taught that you put yourself last and you put your students first. You put the feelings and emotions of your students first. Which don't get me wrong, I think putting students, emotions and their well being at the forefront of your classroom is important and that makes you a great teacher. But you do have to have healthy boundaries because at the end of the day Sis, you got to take care of you too. If you're not well, if you're not healthy, your students and people in your life are also not going to be filled from you. Like they're not getting served from you.

Yeah, definitely. So how old are you?

31.

So why don't we talk a little bit about what your love life looked like before you joined the program? What does it look like?

Girl, it was a hot mess. Just jumping in and out of situationships, letting men kind of define the what are we? I was always in the gray area, never got a definitive answer. So for any listeners out there that think that that shit works, what are we? It doesn't, please take it from me, you don't need to keep going in and out of one to finally wait for that answer because you ain't never going to get it. Yeah, like that, that song, you ain't never going to get it in Vogue. Yeah, yeah. So it was a hot mess. And honestly, it was also stemming from this place of insecurities within myself, not feeling like I was worthy enough to, to be in a healthy and committed relationship. So my threshold was these situationships. I thought that I could thrive in these gray areas because that was all that I deserved, that I could acquire. I didn't think that I was a high value woman, even though I was portraying myself as one on stage and in the classroom, but internally I wasn't.

Talk to me about that a little bit because I feel like that's actually very relevant for so many women out there that you're putting on this brave face. Right. That you are putting on this almost facade in a way, but in reality it's something different. Why do you think that you had this, maybe I don't want to say internal battle, but like such different feelings internally versus externally.

For one, you know, it came from my childhood. So for those of you listening, I grew up in a single parent household and I grew up with a twin brother. And my twin brother, he had most of the attention because he wasn't a high performing student. Where I grew up and how I grew up, if you were a high performing student, you were on honor roll, you got all A's like I did. Oh, we don't need to pay attention to Dina. She's got it. So I think that's where my journey began with, okay, now I need to find other ways to perform and get attention and be seen outside. Right, right.

That makes a lot of sense. One of the things that I think is also important because you're not the only person that actually has that story. Right. So many of the clients that I talked to were amazing in school. And that meant. To your point, she's good. We don't need to deal with her. But what actually happens is that becomes emotional neglect. Right. And there are consequences to that neglect that, you know, it's hard to actually understand when you're just living your life every day and it starts to translate itself or manifest in what you just said. Right. Whereas you're feeling one way internally and then another way externally. Okay, so talk to me a little bit about, like, before we were working together, how often you were dating and just about, like, a past relationship that was happening. I know that when we first started working together that those six months previous were a little bit crazy.

Yeah. So before you and I started working together, I was pretty much. And I remember, I think, messaging you and telling you this. When you first asked me, like, how's your dating life going? I was like, oh, you know, I just go with the flow. I'm very laissez faire. If a cute guy comes up to me at a wedding and he hollers, I'm a holla back. You know, like, just not being intentional with the men that I'm choosing. I thought I was the one being chosen. And so I took a very passive approach in my dating. That didn't serve who I'm becoming. It only served that little scared, vulnerable girl who thought, this is what's best for me, because it came to me. So now I got to hold on tight. And those six months prior to working with you, I found myself being in more and more relationships with men who just disregarded, you know, my boundaries, who didn't value me as a woman, as a queen that I am.

Tell them.

And I didn't know how to tell them. Right. Like, that's part of the work that you and I did. I didn't know how to speak. Speak up, or I did, but I was afraid there was a part of me that was holding back because if I speak up, he's gonna leave, and if he leaves, then I'm left alone. I'm left with nothing. Yeah.

And why was it so scary for him to leave for you?

My dad left.

Yeah.

So this is little Dina. This is the inner child in me trying to protect grown Dina. No, no, don't say anything. We need to make him stay.

I hope you guys are hearing her. She has so much clarity about who she is and what she comes from and what the connections are that I could ask her anything, and she knows the answer. It's not like we have practiced this back and forth or anything. It's because we've done the work Right. That we have true clarity on why she does what she does. Right. And why she felt the way that she felt and why she did the things that she did and why she thought the way that she thought. Right. And that clarity is priceless to be able to understand and know those things, because if you can know about your past, you can be very clear about your present and super clear about your future. So I just wanted to step back and acknowledge how clear you are about why you've done the things that you've done and realize that for the listeners out there, if you do not have that clarity. Right. And you can't immediately say why you do the things that you do or why you did the things that you did, there's probably some work to be done. Okay, so Dina, you talked a little bit about your family relationship, and you just spilled some tea about your father leaving when you were younger. How do you think that that affected you? Right. I'm asking because I think that there are so many specifically, like black kids who grew up in single parent households, and it really affected them. So I want to hear, I guess, your personal kind of story about how that affected you.

Yeah. So with my father leaving, I then witnessed my mom step into ultimate provider. She was someone who had multiple jobs to make ends meet. And I internalized watching her do everything. Right. Not only working, but she's cutting the yard, she's taking the trash out, she's doing all of these, like, gender roles that my father provided while he was still married to her and living in the house. And so I internalized that as, oh, I can do all of these things without a man. I don't need a man. I don't need love.

Yeah.

And that false narrative made me hardened to the idea of being in a healthy and committed relationship. And also, let's be honest, not believing that I can be in one because of what I witness. There's no such thing as healthy black love.

Yeah.

I didn't see it growing up, so why does that exist? At least not for me.

Right. And also seeing your mom not date afterward. Right. I think also gave you this narrative that it's okay if I'm alone. Right. Like, I'm okay. I can just continue to give to other people, and that's gonna fulfill me. When in reality, as humans, we need love, we need romantic relationships. Those things are super important. So when did you know that you needed help with your love life?

I knew in my last relationship I kind of hit rock bottom with this person.

Say more, girl, say more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Y' all can get the full, the full story. We were not exclusive yet. He was getting all the benefits. And I remember one night in particular I had to drive home after visiting his place and I never gotten a call or a text asking did I make it home okay? Because I left pretty early, like 3 o' clock in the morning to like make it back home. Yeah. And I remember feeling so hurt by it because I said, at least I know at this low point in my life I deserve more. I deserve for someone that I'm in a relationship with to care for me on a human level.

Yeah, definitely.

And that's when I realized, like, wait, girl, you've been doing this, right? You've been with men who have not cared for you on a human level and you need help because you have a pattern and you obviously aren't happy with this pattern. You don't want to end up in this pattern forever. So that's when I said, I need help. Like this is something internally that I'm. Something's not connecting. Like I'm saying these things, but I'm not doing them, definitely.

So I think we got connected on Instagram and we were chatting via dm.

Yeah.

And so talk to me a little bit about the decision to actually get on the phone and have a consultation with me. Because here's the thing, there's so many people out there that are having challenges, issues with dating or relationships. Right. It's another thing to say, I'm going to talk to a rando about all of this stuff. Right. What was your decision making process to do that, honestly?

So I did have like a life love coach before you. She was a white woman and she was in the uk. Her and I connected. But there was a part of me that never felt quite comfortable with her because our difference in race and ethnicity and that was important for me, especially if I'm like going through this life changing, transformative process. I wanted to work with a coach who understood me not only as a woman, but as a black woman. And that's what made me want to give you a call because of our shared identity. And as soon as I got on the phone with you, you made me feel like I was talking to a cousin. I felt completely comfortable to just be like, I need help. I don't know why I keep doing this. And you just affirmed me and you made Me feel so seen, so heard and affirmed. Like, yeah, girl, we're going to get you out of there. It was like, all right, cool, let's go. Yeah. You know, I told the lady in the uk, toodles, Toodaloo. And just FYI, this is the first.

I've heard of this, so that's funny. Girl, you.

Girl, I know. I never.

Girl, you broke off your relationship to get with me. Girl, I feel so honored.

I did. I did. You the real deal. Okay. Girl, I tried, girl. I tried.

Didn't know I was breaking up. Happy homes, though.

That's so funny. So talk to me. Like, when you were getting on this call, were you nervous? How were you feeling beforehand?

I was nervous, but more so relief. Relief that the lowest point of my life, I still loved myself enough to get the help, the right help again. Some other people can feel comfortable with getting coaching from people that don't identify within their race, their sexual orientation, their gender. But for me, myself, I knew that that was important for me. And so to get on the call with you, like I said, was a relief because it's like, this is what I need. This is what I wanted. The universe answered my prayers through my Instagram dm. I'm showing up and I'm ready. I'm ready to work.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Do you remember that consultation? It's been a while. If so, what do you remember about it?

So what's funny is I'm sitting in the very spot that I talked to you on the phone. Yeah. That I am now. And I remember the first question you asked me was, girl, I'm trying to locate where you are. Are you in New York? Are you in Miami? I don't really know, because FYI, y', all, I told him in my dm. So I live in New York, but right now I've been in Miami for two weeks because of the pandemic. But I really hate my job, so I'm going to be moving back home soon. I just don't know what job I'm going to get. So that's why Anwar was like, girl, we need to figure this out. Like, what's going on?

Where you at?

Exactly, girl. Exactly. That's so funny. Was there anything else in the consultation that you remembered or maybe any sort of realizations that you got during that call or how you were feeling during it? I know you said that you had felt comfortable.

Yeah. I remember you asking me generally, like, what do you do for fun? What does your weekends look like? And I was like, you know, my little New York lifestyle. I'm at the bar every weekend, I'm with friends. We're going to different clubs, different parties. And I remember you saying, well, men who want to get married, they're not going to be at the bars. They're going to be at Home Depot. They're going to be at Lowe's.

Yes, girl. I'm not lying. I'm not lying.

You're not.

They're literally trying to get the homes that they purchase and are creating a home together. Yes.

And, you know, that was like a reality check for me because, number one, no one's ever told me that just straight out like that. And I realized, oh, this man is about to change my whole perspective on life. And number two, when you said, this is when I was just getting out of my situationship, and I was like, he hasn't called me yet. For all he knows, I still could have been in an accident somewhere. And you were like, girl, your husband is going to call and check on you every single day. And I remember that because that was foreign to me as well. And I remember thinking, that's not true. I haven't met a man who checks on me every single day. Like, they don't exist. This is a unicorn. But if they do exist, sign me up, because I just want to see. I'm just nosy. I want to know.

And just FYI, you are currently talking to someone that is checking in with you every day.

Yes, he is.

It does exist.

Every day. It does exist. Yes. Yes. And that is my new threshold. That's right. That's right.

That's so funny. So we've done the consultation. You say, yes, I'm in. Sign me up. I'm ready to do this. And then we start the program. Right?

Yeah.

Talk to me about that for you. And kind of the beginning of it, because obviously you were coming at love and relationship in one way, and I was coming at it at probably a completely different way. So talk to me about that initial reframe or different perspective that you had to kind of grapple with.

So I'm a Pisces, y'. All. I'm very emotional, deeply rooted, swimming up in those feelings.

Yes, girl.

And so that's how I approached it. Right. I was, like, so sold and in love from the first phone conversation. And you approached it as, no, right now we're just collecting data. We make decisions based off of actions. Oh, no, Anwar. But he said I had the most gorgeous smile. Okay, note it. And you're gonna keep talking to other guys and you're gonna keep observing. And when the guy didn't call. Right. Or this guy didn't text me, Anwar, I'm so upset that I really thought he was going to. Girl, he doesn't owe you anything, huh? Yeah, he doesn't owe you anything. He's just someone that you're talking to. And that freed me because it brought balance back to my dating life. I wasn't being controlled by my emotions. Now I'm the one controlling the emotions and also the pace of the relationships. Right. So if a guy isn't texting me back consistently, I have the choice now to say, best of luck. I've decided to move on.

Yeah. Let's talk a little bit more about working together. We talked about kind of the initial shock, and there's generally an initial shock because I have a very particular way about dating and all of that. So what would you say were your struggles kind of right before working with me? And not just about love, but also, I guess, just in life. Right. Because I feel like, you know, the program is dating, relationship, love, coaching. But how we do one thing is how we do everything right, and that translates into all parts of your life. So let's step back a little bit and let's talk a little bit about how the get yout Guy coaching program was helping you in other parts of your life as well.

Before you and I met, I didn't realize that I had no boundaries. So this meant anything that, you know, was being asked of me from friends or family I was saying yes to, not checking in with myself, not listening to my body, my instincts. When things felt off, they felt uncomfortable, didn't speak up about them. Didn't really demand respect that I deserve from my loved ones and family.

Yeah.

And when I started working with you, that came up, girl, we need some boundary work. What do you mean, boundaries? But doesn't that make me, like, a bad person? They're gonna think, I mean, I don't know how to say no. Don't I have to give them a reason? No.

And I. I'm so grateful for the work that we've been doing on boundaries. Because, like, I'm going to put it out there for the record. I still have loving relationships with my family members because of these boundaries. I no longer being looked at as, you know, my little girl, or this is someone who I know for sure is always going to be there for me. And I don't have to show up for her. I can continue to just, like, walk all over her.

What do you mean by that? Let's give people the details. I think it's important to put some context around this because I think that everybody has their own ish in their life where they're not setting boundaries. And if that's the case, then they're not going to be able to do that in their romantic life. And if they can't do that, they're not going to have a successful romantic life. So what did that look like for you?

Yeah, it looked like for me, something as simple as walking the dogs. My twin brother and my dad, they both own a dog.