Do You Need To Change?

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello everyone. I hope you're doing well tonight. Hello, hello, hello everyone. I hope you're doing well tonight. On Tuesday tea, I get a question a lot about having to change. And so many people are coming to me and saying, do I need to change to find love? And in this session I'm actually going to go through that question so that you are super clear on what you need to do to find love. Okay, for those of you that know me or don't know me, I just want to introduce myself. My name is Anwar White and I am the CEO and founder of get yout Guy Coaching. And so I help amazing, smart and successful women date with confidence and ease. And I help them date quality men as well as get into the best relationships of their lives. So with that being said, I want to talk about this question. Do I need to change to find love? Have any of you all ever thought about that before? Why am I asking you this? I'm asking you this because here's the truth of the matter. You don't really need to actually change. Definitely not change for a man. Because getting a man actually doesn't take a lot of work. You can get into a relationship tomorrow if you so choose to. That requires little effort. But I want to offer to you that there may be things that you have to change to get to your love goals. We have to change something, right? If we are not attracting high quality men or finding them, then we should at least consider it. If you are applying to a lot of jobs and interviewing like crazy, but you're never getting the job, that means we have to do something different. If you're at a job and so many people are getting promoted around you and you're not getting promoted, it means that we have to do something different, right? This is like really important for us to think about. If you are at the gym and you are working out like a crazy person and you aren't getting the gains that everyone else is getting around, you probably have to do something different, right? If you are talking to men and engaging with them, but not necessarily getting into relationships with them, and they are going and meeting other people and getting married to other women. We may need to actually change things that are going on in our lives as it pertains to our love life. Yeah.

Sasha's saying this is the perfect analogy. Thank you, girl. Why am I saying this? I'm saying this because I want us to think about changing ourselves. Not in, like, who we like, inherently, innately are, but in how we show up in the world, right? And so many different identities that we take on. When I'm talking about changing ourselves, I'm not talking about, you know, feeling like you need to actually change because you're not worthy or that you're like, you need to betray yourself or not be yourself. This doesn't have to be something that is demeaning or something that you need to avoid. This is about creating and understanding the essence of who you are and your true identity. Right. When I think of, like, changing your identity in the worst possible way, I think I call it identity loss. I'm thinking about it. And if you are dumbing yourself down, if you are acting super girly and you're not that girl, if you are getting work done to your body, right? Whether it's a BBL or fillers or just to get the male gaze, if you are dropping your hobbies and your interest, right? Because you want to spend and focus all of your time on your relationship and this guy. That is where we are losing ourselves and our identity. This is an identity loss. Please let me know in the comments if you've ever lost your identity in some way, shape or form when it comes to men. I'm asking because I think that we all do this on occasion, or at least especially when we're younger, right? We tend to think that we have to perform for men or be a certain kind of way or a certain kind of girl to get the guy, when in reality, we don't. Right? I want to offer to you that we don't have to lose our identity. Right? I'm really focused on gaining identity. That's what I do with my clients when I work with them. Gaining their true identity of who they are and up, leveling the confidence to really show that.

Identity gains are all about programming yourself. Right? When I think about identity, I think it consists of the stories you tell yourself, the values that you have, and the subconscious beliefs that you have. So let's first talk about the stories, the stories that we tell ourselves, because this is so important as we're thinking about our love lives, right? So why are the stories so important in terms of our identity. Well, let me give you an example. If you have a story in your head that men will fail you because in the past there have been men that have failed you, then you may think that there aren't quality men out there. And because of that story, your brain's reticular activating system won't guide you to quality men. It'll actually guide you to men that will personify and embody those past men. Because our brain likes to actually be in comfort and familiarity. And I'm sure that when we think about actual relationships that we have or had, we can also pinpoint and connect them to past relationships that we've had. A lot of people will tell you, oh, I'm dating my father, right? Because we have this story in our head. And the story in our head focuses us on. On people that are going to really make those stories true. So I'm going to look at. I'm only going to focus on the men that are going to fail me. That's why it is important to actually reframe these stories, reframe them into empowering life interpretations. And that is part of the work. So that's one of the things that I help my clients do. Right. If you are going to stay in those stories and be stuck, it's going to be hard for you to actually attain your love goals. So stories, we get to do the work to change those. That's part of our identity. The second part of our identity is really about your values.

Our values are really the things that we live by that create our lives, the lives that you want to live. So we have obviously conscious and unconscious values. Our conscious values are the values that we claim to live by, and our unconscious values are the values that we actually live by. Right? Yeah. The thing is that sometimes people don't know what their unconscious values are. And that's why there can be a misalignment in the conscious values and the unconscious values. Right. So, for example, your conscious value might be, I want to be respected. This is why I work so hard. This is why I show up, why I dress the way that I do. This is why I got the education that I got. But your subconscious value might be that I want and need validation. And those are two different values, actually, that are not aligned at all. Can you see how sometimes our values can misalign? Why is this important? This is important because when your conscious and subconscious values and beliefs are out of alignment, you will also attract men that are out of alignment with you. Right?

A man might give you respect, but not validation. He might respect your job, but he's not, perhaps may not validate some of the emotions that you have. And that's a problem. Right. It's really important to understand. Please, in the comments and in the chats, let me know if there have been opportunities or experiences where you've had one conscious value and one unconscious or subconscious value, and maybe they have crossed hairs, very misaligned. So, for example, I'll share one about me. So my conscious value was that I'm a fun person. I want to have a lot of fun. I like to kiki, I like to spill tea. I like to talk shit. Right? But my unconscious, my subconscious value was that I have to be the problem solver. I have to Olivia Pope everything, right? That was my subconscious value. I can't be Olivia poping and having fun at the same time.

There was no alignment there. And so when I was showing up in that way, I. I wasn't allowing people to truly know who I was and what I wanted and what I needed. Right.

So I want you to think about ways in which perhaps you have had competing values and value systems that perhaps were hurting your love life or at least attaining your love goals, because this is important.

Okay? So the third part of our identity that I was talking about, I've talked about the stories that we tell ourselves. I've talked about our conscious and unconscious value systems potentially being in misalignment. Now I want to talk about our.

Subconscious beliefs, because those are really important, and oftentimes you will need someone else to help you actually point them out. These are blind spots for us many times. Okay, what are our subconscious beliefs? These are the beliefs that exist in your mind but you're not aware of. Right? These are the things that have been pre programmed that you take certain action on without even really realizing it. And these are the things that actually create certain patterns in the way that you do things, the way that you live your life. Right? So when I'm thinking about that, I want us to also understand. So I'll give you an example about some of our subconscious beliefs and how that can hurt us. I work with a lot of smart and successful women, and so one of the things that I see quite often is that they are very accomplished and they're very successful, but their subconscious belief inside is that they are not worthy enough, and they are just like, not enough. And so they are constantly working to prove to themselves and to other people that they are enough. Why is this subconscious belief so horrible? And so bad.

One thing that I know is that it helps them, it drives them, it motivates them in their professional lives and their careers, but in their love lives, it's actually horrible. And the reason that it's horrible is that when you have this subconscious belief, this subconscious belief that, let's say you're not worthy or you're not good enough, what you will do is you will create a love life that is aligned with that belief that you're not good enough and that you're not worthy. And you will attract men that will treat you like you are not worthy and that you are not enough. That's why when we're talking about identity, these subconscious beliefs are so important. Right. Why? Why is this example specifically pretty important? Because when you continue to find men that do not think that you're worthy or enough, it disempowers you, and you will continue to feel like you don't have power in your love life, and you will continue to seek out disempowering relationships. Let me know if you've done this before, ladies. It's happened to many of us. Yeah. I want you to think about some of those subconscious beliefs, if you can, that maybe you've had. If you're struggling with that, don't worry. The reason why you're struggling with it is because you're not aware of it. And that's why a dating coach is so amazing, to help you become aware of some of those subconscious beliefs and how they affect your love life.

Right? Girl, we can't. We don't. We have certain blind spots. Right. I don't want you going into your love life highway with these blind spots and crashing and burning, girl. Because you didn't have someone saying, oh, girl, there's a car right behind. Right. Right beside you. Right? It's right there, girl. No, it's right there. Give it time. You'll see. You'll see it. It's coming. Right? That's what I do. I'm in the passenger side with all of my clients, letting them know, oh, girl, no, there's something right here. We've got to take a look at this.

Right? Yeah. So I'll talk to you a little bit about my subconscious beliefs, because I think that we all have them. And the quicker you can get clarity around them, the faster you will heal and the faster that you will get to your actual love goals. So one of the subconscious beliefs that I had was because I was black and because I was gay. I had to be perfect and I had to Prove things to everybody, right? Because, you know, I had to be perfect to compensate for my blackness or my gayness. So I worked hard, I got great grades, I went to some of the best schools. I got the great career. And it didn't actually do much for me because all of those things, all of the proving that I had to do.

Made it so that I was just focused on those things.

Things that were outside of myself instead of what was inside. That's the danger of some of these subconscious beliefs. It will focus you on the things that you don't necessarily need to focus on.

And because of that, because I was trying to create this perfect facade.

It disallowed me from being vulnerable, from people actually getting to know me. It was so crazy. I was living in San Francisco at the time. I had just gotten my mba and I was with friends that I had known for at least five, six, seven years. And one day, one of them was like, you know, Anwar, I don't even know you.

And I was like, girl, you know me. Like, shut up. What are you talking about? And then my other friends chimed in and they were like, yeah, I don't really know you either. Like, I don't know know you. It was such a wake up call because I was like, oh, wow, you probably don't, because I'm not allowing you to do so. Because.

My subconscious beliefs made me think that I couldn't show all parts of myself or I wasn't going to be accepted. Right? That was one of the realizations that I had. And so what I do now as a dating coach is I help women show up 100% in their dating lives. Women have been conditioned to be very performative for men, especially in this part of their lives. And that is like the worst thing that you can do if you are literally showing up 50, 60% of yourself. Like I was talking about before losing your identity, getting all ditzy, acting super girly. If that's not you, you know, doing things like to your body and your look only to satisfy a man, or like, dropping your interests or hobbies, you've lost your identity, right? That's a no. No. It's never gonna work. So I want you to understand and know that as a dating coach, I'm really focused on. On your identity gains, not your identity losses. We talked about the stories that you tell yourself. We've talked about your conscious and unconscious values. We've also talked about your subconscious beliefs, right? Those are the three things. The major things that I work with my clients so that they are completely transformed after the six months of working together. Right. If you don't get these right, it's going to be very difficult for you to actually attain your love goals. That's right, girl. Your identity gains and not losses. When I talk about, do I have to change? Yeah, girl, but you get to gain more of yourself, more of your, like, identity that you were actually born with. Right.

We have to go inside. When we lose our identity, it's because we're focusing outside or externally.

As a dating coach, that's what I help my clients do to go inside to gain more of your actual identity. That's when you get to know, what do you like? What don't you like? Why do you like that? Why don't you like that? How do you want it? How don't you want it? Right. All of that. You have so much clarity. You're able to check in with yourself at all times, to know exactly how you're feeling, not just what you're thinking, girl, I'm sure you have that in the back. I'm sure you got opinions and interpretations for days. That's not what we're here to do. What we're here to do is really get in touch with our actual emotions and our feelings. And knowing that. Because if you're not able to know that, you can express that to your man. Be vulnerable, set boundaries so that he can actually satisfy you. Pleasing you pleases him, but he won't be able to please you if he doesn't know what's going on. And he won't know what's going on unless you tell him. And you can't tell him unless you know what's going on.

Right.

Got it. Okay. So like I was saying before, do you need to change? You don't have to, but you not changing means that you will probably get similar results in your love life. I want you to think about this as you get to. Changing can be additive, can be growth oriented. Can actually, like I was saying before, gain you some identity. It's so important, it's so helpful. Not just in your love life, but in all parts of our lives. Right. So I want you to be thinking about that when you're thinking about, do I have to change? No, you don't have to, but you should want to. That's what life is about. It's about constant evolution. Yeah. Good. With that said, I hope that that was really helpful for you all. As we're thinking about change and needing to, wanting to, having to, it's an honor to Be able to, yeah. If this was helpful to you, if this shifted your mind about the things that you may need to do and you want to learn more about how, like what else you need to do to actually attain and achieve your love goals, I want to invite you for a complimentary consultation. You can either go to my bio and click on the consultation link or you can go to the following URL www.getyourguycoaching.com apply and there we will talk about all of the things that you will need to do and all of the things that you will need to know to actually get to your love goals. It's really interesting. So last week I had a consultation with a woman and I was coaching her. I was letting her know, no, girl, we need to do this, this, this and this. I had a follow up call with her and she was like, anwar, I did everything you told me that you like I needed to do. I, you know, I did this, I did this, I did this and I did this and it worked. I was like, of course I did, girl. I've been doing this for over a decade. Of course it's going to work.

Now she's my client and now we're rocking it on. And even tonight I was telling her, girl, we're gonna tell this man to do this, this, this and this. She did it and now she has a phone date with a guy that she's excited about. Right? We get to do different things to get different results. And if that's something that you're interested in doing, not just externally but also internally, book that call girl. Book it. This is like I could easily charge $300 for this call that I do in the consultations because I'm giving that much value. I'm very generous and I'm here to serve and I want to help as many women as possible. So that's why I do what I do. But I will leave it there. Alright my loves, be well and I will talk with you soon. Bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Tak soon.