Getting Rid of the Do or Die

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week, you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can. You guessed it. Get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and welcome to the get your Guy coaching podcast. I wanted to do a special solo episode. Yes. You're stuck with me. You're welcome. On what I call do or die in dating. And the reason why I wanted to talk about this twofold. One, I was having a conversation about this with a client of mine, and it really resonated with her. And I. And I was like, I think this is resonating with a lot of different black and brown women, so I need to talk about this on a wider scale. But also, you know, recently I was watching the DNC convention, and Michelle Obama had this amazing speech, and I want to just share a bit of it that I think really represents how many of us kind of navigate through our lives and why everything as a black or brown person or a person of color can feel like do or die. Okay. So in this speech, she goes on to talk about Kamala Harris. She understands that most of us will never be afforded the grace of failing forward. We will never benefit from the affirmative action of generational wealth. If we bankrupt a business or choke in a crisis, we don't get a second, third, or fourth chance. If things don't go our way, We. We don't have the luxury of whining or cheating others to get further ahead. No, we don't get to change the rules. So we always win. If we see a mountain in front of us, we don't expect there to be an escalator there to take us to the top. No, we put our heads down. We get to work in America, we do something. And obviously, girl, in gyg, you get your guy, we do something as well. So I wanted to talk about this because I know that I felt really seen when she said that, because this is something that's not talked about a lot. And I wanted to talk about how this affects our dating lives and why this makes dating so hard, especially for women of color. Okay? So as you already know, our nervous systems are always on high alert. If you take your blood pressure now, girl, it might be high. And you won't even know why, because There is this, like, background, like, defense that we are always playing. So let me give you an example. Have you ever been at work and someone says, oh, I think that this should have been done better. Oh. Or, oh, I think that you've made a mistake here. Where do our minds go? Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna get fired, Then I'm going to be homeless, and then I'm going to die.

If this is you, definitely email me and let me know that I am speaking to you. I know this is the case for a lot of people of color, especially.

Black women. And the reason why I am calling this out is because it's the same in dating, right? That we might spiral, we might catastrophize, like, everything that is going on. If we don't hear from a guy, if he ghosts us, if he breaks up with us, if there's a disagreement, if we don't feel fully protected, even in asking people for help, it might feel like do or die. If they don't do it, oh, my God, it's the end of the world. Or setting a boundary. If he doesn't respect my boundary, oh, my God, it's over. And, like, life is over, right? Or if I share my feelings with him and he doesn't reciprocate or he doesn't hold space for me, oh, my God, life might feel like it's over.

And I want us to get to the point where we can take it or leave that stuff like that. It doesn't matter to us that, like, we get to stay in observation mode in dating, because that is how you date well and successfully and stay on your throne as a queen. Dating has to be light and fun, and we need to play offense. Many of us are playing defense in life and therefore defense and dating. And when you play defense, you're often just gonna fight.

Right? Playing defense is. I'm just trying to stay in the game. Playing offense is. I want to win the game. So in this episode, I wanted to just talk about why we may be playing a lot of defense, why our nervous systems are on high alert, how we can get outside of the die and just do so that you can stay in the game so that you can get your person find love and really kind of attain and achieve all of your love goals that you so rightly deserve and need. Because love is a human need, right? Most of us are starting and stopping. And when you do that, you are going to lose all of your dating momentum and all of your dating results. Because something happens, I get triggered, then I stop for two or three weeks or two or three months or two or three years. Okay, so with that said, let's talk about how we're raised. Because you know, Coach Anwar loves a cute little inner child wound, honey.

Anyway, so if you are a black girl, you often are raised to be perfect or the closest thing to it, right? And I think that the intention of many of our black mothers is.

Good. They know how hard life is, especially for a black girl, a black woman. And so they know that as Michelle Obama was telling us, we don't have the luxury of having a second, third or fourth chance. So you gotta get it right the first time or it's gonna be a major issue. So we have this. We grow up feeling like it's perfect or it's a failure. You're perfect or you die, right? You're perfect or bad things happen to you. And that is a stress that we live with on a daily basis which can make life kind of hard. It's a double edged sword, right? Like, you know, if a zombie is chasing you, you're going to run your hardest and you probably will, you know, stretch yourself and do things that are amazing, right? That's why you might be getting good grades or you know, really good at SP or you know, rocking it out at work or a superstar in your community. But that can't go on forever. It's not sustainable. You can't grow. It can't be like the walking dead. Like you can't always be running from the zombies. And sometimes life can feel that way. In dating, many of us are doing that as well. And we're not getting success, right? So please understand.

In dating, I don't want you to be perfect.

Perfection is no shade girl. Lame. No one is going to be able to deeply connect with you if you are trying to be perfect. No one will be able to relate to you if you are giving perfectionism 24 7, being just like human and imperfect and showing some flaws, showing the full spectrum of your emotions actually much more relatable. And when you're able to do that, you're going to find people that can also feel like they can show up as their full authentic self and be fully accepted. And that's what love is. At the end of the day, it's about full acceptance. So I want to talk a little bit about.

This perfectionism because we talk a lot about kind of. Well, we talk. There's a lot of conversation about imposter syndrome. And it's really driven by this perfectionism, right? I Call it destructive perfectionism. And they feed into each other.

So, for example, like, if your perfectionism emerged from early trauma, the cultural pressure at home, family dysfunction, then it's also constantly fueling fear and shame within you.

The thought process in your head is going to be focused on, I must be perfect to please. I must be perfect to be liked. I can never express emotional vulnerability because that doesn't look perfect and it looks weak, it doesn't look strong. Other thoughts in your head might be, I'll lose my power if I appear out of control. Yet somewhere, like, deep inside of you, you sense that there are silent feelings you don't understand and that you cannot allow yourself to express. That is kind of the frustration around perfectionism and this and what goes with it. The imposter syndrome, that you can't be your full self, that oftentimes. And you can think about this, like, at work, you might be working really hard, but only giving 70% of you. And you actually have to be able to give 100% of you at work or also in other parts of your life. So I wanted to talk a little bit about how to deal with imposter syndrome, because this is.

To make sure that you feel like you're not going to die when something happens that's not perfect. You're going to have to focus on your mind and you're going to have to focus on your body. So for the mind, right? And all about this imposter syndrome, there are a couple of things that you can do. And in this episode, I want you to figure out what feels good for you and then move forward with at least one or two of these things. Okay, so one, you're going to need to step away from solely depending on external validation and use internal validation instead.

I sometimes I feel blessed to be born as a gay man because I had to realize early that I could not get validation from other people and that I needed to find it within myself. Right. So what does this look like? Well, it's basically about monitoring your own self talk, right? And making sure that you're giving yourself only positive feedback about life, about work, about relationships, about dating. And like anything that doesn't feel amazing, that doesn't feel like the number one cheerleader, you're literally going to have to tell yourself either that's a lie, that doesn't matter, or that's not real. When I started, like, doing that, when I started saying, oh, my God, this person doesn't like me, and then I would just check it and be like, girl, that's that's lame. That's not even real. The other thing that I used to say, too, that was really helpful. I'd be like, oh, girl, that's ego, girl. Don't worry about it. That's just. That's just your ego, girl. Just. Just ignore it.

That was actually really helpful. And I know it seems, like, very dismissive, but actually, like, not giving any of those thoughts any life. Super helpful. Okay? Another way to deal with imposter syndrome. Don't go at it alone. Find a mentor, right? Whether it's in dating. Hello, me. Or at work, or even, like, in other things that you're trying to do. Let's say you want to play pickleball, girl, Get a coach, right? Why? Because when you have a mentor, you're going to easily adopt this mentality of, I still have so much to learn, right? And you'll have that idea without accepting this. This thought that you're in some way somehow inferior. So definitely talk with other women, especially women that are the same ethnicity, the same sexual orientation as you. You all can be a wonderful resource for one another. And this is what I say on my program all the time. Like, no one's going to understand how we do dating in this program. So it's important to have an accountability and a sister. And we try to incorporate a lot of breakout rooms and group work so that the ladies in my program can get to know each other and do this work together and support each other because we get to learn in community, which is so important and so validating. Okay, number three, you're gonna need to challenge your own perfectionism. And the best way to do that, girl, is to develop a new hobby that forces you to start from the beginning. It forces you to be a little bit messy. It forces you to risk something, to laugh.

Figure out what that thing is. Also, new hobbies make you interesting. If you're just working and going home all day, no shade, girl, that's a little lame. So get a hobby and do it on a weekly basis, girl. Try the violin, girl. Do ballet, do tennis. Do that thing that you wanted to do when you were growing up, but maybe mom didn't have the money or we didn't have the time to do because you were focused on basketball that you had been playing since you were five or whatever the case may be, or re. Engage with a sport or a hobby that you were doing when you were 8 and 12 that you really enjoy, but maybe it fell off the wayside.

This can be art. This can be something else. Okay. Why? Because engaging in these things can make kind of the learning process fun again and remind you how you used to enjoy learning. Because I know that you can again. Okay. The fourth thing that I want you to do as it pertains to kind of getting, like, really dealing with managing imposter syndrome, because everybody has it, is. And you can do this in your notes app, girl, Listing your own strengths and your own vulnerabilities.

And strongly claiming what you are an expert in. So, like, for me, I'm an expert in dating coaching. I'm gonna stand 10 toes down on that.

What? I'm not great at girl technology. And my clients will tell you.

If there's a link, girl, I'm gonna mess it up. That's my vulnerability.

Knowing your strengths and your vulnerabilities are really important because when you can do this, you don't have to be the best at everything. And for the vulnerabilities that you have, these are the areas where you want to ask for help for someone else that can do it that might be better than you so that you can get things done and get things done more efficiently.

Okay.

Okay. The. The fifth part of imposter syndrome is around understanding the dynamics of your triggers. Right? So how do I. How do I think about this? And what do I tell many of my clients?

I tell them to figure out what the origin story is. Girl, I'm always talking about an origin story, girl. No shade, girl. What's the origin story of that?

Where did you learn that?

Why do you think that way? Making connections with your past when you may have begun to camouflage all of that can really shed a light on how you're trying to emotionally survive today. Right? We let go of the perfect looking facade and we say, well, you know what, girl? When he. When he didn't call me when he said he was going to, it reminded me of my dad and all of those unfulfilled promises when he said he was going to come and visit me, or he said he was going to get me something and he didn't get me it, or, you know, when he, you know, said that thing after I shared this really vulnerable thing, it reminded me of my mom and how she never let me have emotions and how she just said, suck it up, buttercup, and let's keep it moving.

So understanding the origin story, that's the first step. The second step in figuring out your triggers is also saying, okay, well, how old was I when that happened? Because when you are dealing with the trigger now, what happens is you are like, kind of brought back to that age. So even though you're in your adult body, girl, your mind and your body is telling you that you're 8 years old. When you act out, when you start to raise your voice, when you freak out, it is because the 8 year old is all alone, doesn't know what to do. Okay.

So when that happens, and this is a continuation, right? We talked about imposter syndrome. When you figure out your origin story, when you figure out how old you are, then we've got to figure out what we can do to engage her.

How can we help her now, the gag is that many of us are trying to figure out what we can do in the present moment to help the present person. And that's an important part of this as well, right? When you are kind of dealing with something right now, you can do a variety of things. You can do some deep breath work, right? Inhale four seconds, hold four seconds, exhale four seconds. This is important because most people of color, especially black people, we're not breathing deeply, girl. We're. It's like if you ever run a race and then afterward you're like, most of us are actually breathing like that, girl. It's actually. Deep breathing can help. Meditation can help, girl. I have an app on my phone right now, girl.

Girl, I'm looking at it right now called Healthy Minds. That's what I've been doing every morning, right? To regulate the nervous system, reduce the stress, right? You can have a grounding technique. Use your senses. Name five things that you see, four things that you can touch, three things that you can hear, two things that you can smell, one thing that you can taste. To bring you into the present moment, to get you out of that little girl state, right? You can move gently, right? Some people like yoga or stretching. What I've noticed, though, is that for our black bodies, girl, sometimes that gentle movement is not going to do it. We got to go hard in the pain. So, girl, put on that jam and start twerking or move your body, right? Release that tension, improve that circulation. I had.

A long time ago when I was in corporate, I had this really narcissistic boss. And my way of coping with that at the time was I was going out five times a week, girl. And it wasn't until, like years later that I figured out that I was literally working out all of my nervous system stress and anxiety through dancing. Yeah. So that's another way to bring you back from little girl state to grown woman status. Okay. Another way that you can do this is visualization, right? Closing your eyes and thinking that you're in some sort of calming place, peaceful place like the beach or the forest, or go to those places that you find peace. Like, I always got to be near water. Girl, I grew up in Southern California across the street from the beach. I got to be around water if I'm going to feel safe.

So the other things that you can do as well, cold exposure, splash cold water in your face, like you're washing your face, take a cold shower. This will activate the vagus nerve, which helps to calm the nervous system. And then finally, journaling. Write down your thoughts and your feelings so that it can help to process those emotions and reduce mental stress. And this is especially important for many of us that aren't used to expressing our feelings. That first step is to journal. Girl, if you can't say the words.

Okay.

One more thing. Social connection, girl, talk to a friend, a loved one. Social support can provide such comfort and to help you regulate your nervous system. If a guy misses a phone date that y' all are supposed to have, girl, call up a friend, have that phone date with a friend. Okay? So these are the things that I want you to do in the present moment to take you from, let's say 8 year old little girl to grown woman.

I want, I gave you, I don't know, like 10 different examples. Find two to three and use those as your way of bringing you back inside of the present moment.

Now, once you've finished found your grown woman status, now I want you to figure out, what can we do for the little girl?

What can we do for the little girl? Right now.

I'm gonna give you some examples because, and I want you to again find two or three of these that work for you. You can hug her, literally. Hug yourself, rock back and forth, hug yourself. Because I know a lot of us don't like to be touched based on the way that we were raised. And I talk about that in an earlier episode about not liking to be touched. Breath work, like I was talking about before, but also talking to her gently. You can let her know, girl, you're safe, you're okay, I got you, right? Speaking very gently to her because we've got to figure out in those moments, what did she need? What did 8 year old need in the moment in her origin story.

When, when dad didn't get her that, that present that she really wanted, what did she need? She needed a hug. Maybe, maybe she needed to talk to a friend. Maybe she needed to identify her emotions. Maybe she wanted to. Maybe she needed to go out and play and exercise, move her body, dance and sing, get messy, right? Take a walk, cook, bake. Maybe she needed to do a little bit of shopping. And you get to do that for her in that moment when you're in your grown woman status. Okay, so why am I saying this? I'm saying this because in those moments, I just want to repeat myself. You turn into that little girl. And so what I have found to be very helpful is, okay, let's go back into our grown woman status by finding some of those. Those things that are going to help us calm our nervous system in the moment. And then let's figure out how we can take care of that little girl inside.

Two major steps that have two to three steps each.

It's not just a. Let me just get over it. This is silly, right? Or shaming yourself and just trying to ignore it. Because that stuff stays in the body and every time you do that, it's staying in the body, it's weighing you down and it's actually making you quicker to be triggered with other things.

Doing this can help to incorporate, and doing these on a daily basis can help you kind of maintain calmer, balanced nervous system and enhance your overall well being at the end of the day so that you don't feel like you're always dying.

You doing things will help you not feel like it's. It's do or die. So I want you to create a plan for yourself.

Because I know that when you do this, you're going to be able to stay in the dating game and you're going to be able to find your person.

I hope that this session was helpful for you as you navigate these triggers that can come up in dating, but also in life. Because I want you to win, I want you to succeed. And I know that not a lot of people are talking about this in the black community. Well, how do you regulate your nervous system? Right. And just acknowledging the fact that our nervous systems are on high alert. Girl, nobody's talking about nervous systems in the black community.

A lot of us are talking about people acting a fool.

People being pickmecias girl. There's trauma and there's triggers behind that, and there's a nervous system that we must regulate. Unfortunately, this is the nervous system that we may have right now. But it's our job to figure out how we can make it work, how we can manage it, how we can calm it. So that was my intention of this episode. I hope that it was helpful. If you want to learn more about how to do this, Definitely. Book a call with me and I will talk with you soon. Alrighty. Bye Bye.

Hey girl, thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Talk soon.