GRID 202 Partners Webinar Jan 2021 - Online Dating

Good evening, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me today with Anwar White of Get your guy coaching to talk about dating for smart and successful women. My name is Camila McDonough. I am the president and partner and a financial advisor with Grid202 Partners. We are a black owned and black owned and women owned full service financial advisory firm. We have advisors located in Washington, dc, North Carolina, Colorado. And I'm speaking with you today from Atlanta, Georgia. So why is Grid202 partners talking about dating? That's probably the number one question I always get right. Well, we are a holistic planning firm. And for us, having a quality and fulfilling life is not always about financial wellness. It's about personal wellness. And we believe that partnering up, having someone to share your goals with, your financial goals with, to support each other, to comfort each other during good times and bad times is critically important. It creates successful outcomes. And so that's why we spend time talking about items other than just your retirement projection. And who better than Anwar White to talk about how you can get your guy? So thank you for being with us this evening, Anwar.

Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be here.

Awesome. So I'd be remiss not to say that this is the second event we've done with anwr and I'm going to give a little testimonial here. So ANWR joined us in June of 2020. We were about three months into the pandemic.

And if you were single, you realize how single you were by June.

Yes.

There was no vacations, there was no parties. We were all home. You know, we were running out of things to watch on Netflix pretty quickly. And so we invited Anwar to do the session in June. And I like you, I was like, you know what? I probably should be listening to what Anwar is talking about. So I took copious notes. I listened to everything he said. And Anwar, so our event was on a Thursday night just like this. I talked to my girlfriends about it Friday. I was like, you know, I did the session and he was really helpful and I, I didn't have that perspective. And a friend of mine had found her boyfriend on Bumble. They're now engaged. They got engaged two weeks ago too. So it worked for her. But I was like, I need to get on Bumble. So my girlfriends, virtually, we all got my Bumble profile together, right? I loaded it on Saturday and started talking and finding people and I actually connected with my now boyfriend on Bumble that Tuesday. And it's been almost seven months. We've been seeing each other and.

Testimony that to Anwar's guidance and first date and first conversations. He's 110% on point. @ one point. You probably should meet him so he can thank you. So the things that you gave us guidance on, and he was like, he's 110% accurate and true. So with that, ladies, make sure you have a notepad ready. Anwar is going to provide a lot of great guidance this evening about how to get your guy, even during a pandemic. So without further ado, I'm going to kick this. I'm going to hand this over to.

Anwar. Thank you so much. I appreciate that testimonial. I think it's amazing and it makes me so happy because I do love love, and that's why I do what I do. And so, as Camilla had said, my name is Anwar White, and I am the CEO and founder of get yout Guy Coaching. And what I do is I really help women heal their hearts and date effectively and obviously get their guy. So I have been doing this for a long, long, long, long time. In terms of how I got started, I guess you could say that I got started even in elementary school, right? Like helping the boys talk to the girls and the girls talk to the boys. I know it may not seem like that, but I'm actually like a huge jock. My father was maybe a little bit scared of his very feminine son, and so he put him into all of these different sports. And so, you know, on the playground, I would be balling with the boys, and then I would double Dutch with the girls. So I was just in between all of these different circles and understanding, you know, a variety of different environments and different genders. And so I think it's a huge, unique strength of mine to be able to understand a variety of different perspectives as it relates to. To romantic relationships. So in terms of this work, this work is super personal to me. I mean, when I think about my own family, I'm thinking about my great grandmother who was married three times, my grandmother who was married three times, my mom that was married three times. I am really focused on helping women of color, specifically black women, really, really get their guy and find the love that they so need and deserve, right? And so I love what I do. And for me, I always think that there's so much work to do out there, good work to do. I mean, when I look at the statistics, 29% of black women are married right now versus 50% of white women.

A third of black women will never be married. Versus 10% of white women. So for me, I'm motivated by that. I want to cut that disparity and I want to really make it happen for my lovely black queens who have always been there for me my entire life. From my great grandmother cooking breakfast and ironing and waking up at five in the morning because she used to work for white families, to the girls in junior high who used to protect me from the bullies, to my classmates in business school who just inspired me and helped me in terms of leadership and inspiration. And so, yeah, I mean, that's really kind of how I got started. I went to business school at Columbia and all of my girlfriend, we all graduated and all of my girlfriends who are amazing, beautiful, smart, were not finding love. They were having a lot of difficulty. And.

I was a certified life coach and relationship coach at that time. And I was like, girl, I'm just going to kind of take over your love life. So we're going to make it work. I'm going to get you on these apps. I'm going to help you in terms of understanding men and understanding what they mean and what they say and anything and everything in between that so that you can get your guy. And then before I knew it, they were all getting boyfriends and all getting married. And it's been kind of a wrap ever since. And so I have been doing this for close to eight years now, eight to nine years. And I love what I do. In terms of my results, roughly 90% of the women that I work with are in healthy, exclusive, long term relationships within three to six months of working with me. Roughly 2/3 of the women that I work with are either married or engaged by the two year mark. So I love results. I love love. And yeah, let's get.

Started. One thing I want to share is this is an investment in yourself, right? So the same way that you always in going to the gym or your clothes or your hair. Investing in a fruitful partnership is critically important as well. We're going to make this really interactive. So if you have any questions, please feel free to use the Q and A in the bottom and we'll be sure to address your questions during this presentation. And of course, we are recording this, so I'm sure there are some of your friends that you think that should be listening to this too. We'll be sure to send you the recording for future review. So, all right. So the big thing right now, Anwar, is we are in a pandemic.

Right? So yes, we.

Are. There's no big happy hours Happening right now, you know, very little parties. What are your thoughts? What are the best ways that women can engage smart and successful women? Let me just make sure I preface those adjectives.

Can engage with potential partners during a.

Pandemic? Yeah, I think that's a great question. Obviously, it is up to you. I'm never one to force someone to start dating if you're not ready. One thing that I know about this work is that you have to put 100% of yourself into this love game if you want to be successful in it. You can't be half stepping, you can't be just giving me certain facades. You need to be your whole and authentic self the entire time. So if you don't feel like you can do that, or if you are not ready to do that, then definitely do not date. I know that sounds weird coming from a dating coach, but I always want to keep it real with you all. Okay. In terms of dating in a pandemic, I want to step back a second because I think it's important to realize that this is like an amazing time to actually start dating. One because it's January and it's a new year and 2020 was hell on earth for so many people. So 2021, I'm calling it 2020 fun in January, it's all about reset, recalibrate. And so there are so many people that are going to be prioritizing their love and their love life. And so they're going to have a ton of people on the apps. And so you're just going to have a greater environment to actually choose from. So I do want to invite you just like I invite all of my clients to actually be online to, to go out on some of these apps and to really have fun. That's what this is really all about more than anything else. The other thing that I want to kind of offer to you is that because it's a pandemic, it slows down the courtship phase. So before, and maybe you've known this in your experiences or not, but men want to just have things super quick, right? If you're engaging with them, they want your number immediately, they want to hang out immediately. And because of this pandemic, they obviously have to be in terms of how you're feeling and your comfortability level with this pandemic going on. So it just slows things down naturally. I mean, ultimately how I think about this in courtship is like, you know, women are looking for love and have sex along the way, and men are looking for sex and find Love along the way. So because of this pandemic, it's slowing things down so that people can actually get to know each other a little bit better and in a. Like, deeper. And so that's really exciting. Right. And just as she was saying.

We were all having almost, like, existential crises here about our lives, about our legacy, about our mortality. And it's the same for men as well. Right? And a lot of them were.

Really lonely and realizing that they don't want to die like this. They want to live with someone and have that partnership and that connection. Right. And so I just think, like, collectively, men are thinking about love and relationships a little bit differently right now. And it's such an opportune time to just really be engaging and putting yourself out there. Right. I mean, these men can only, you know, play video games. And, you know, I'm going to keep it real with you. Watch porn for so long before it gets super boring.

Right. So that's why I think dating and Covid is so amazing. And my clients are really killing it right now. I just got a text message from my client. She's going on three or four dates. She lives in Miami, and she's having so much fun for the first time in her life. Because I think a lot of us, if you're smart and successful, have not really focused on your love life a lot. You have been getting the good grades at school, going to a great university or college, getting those good grades there, and then leaning into your work and just kind of avoiding or ignoring this part, thinking that at some point it'll just happen and I will be found, and that will be it. And I just want to let you know and offer to you that I don't want you to be found and I don't want you to be chosen, and I want you to do the choosing right. I want you to have the power to decide who is going to be able to engage with you or not. Okay. So, yeah, that's how I feel about dating and Covid. I'm a huge fan of it. I want all of my clients and I want all of you to be online and for when things open up. Right.

I always think it's important to.

I think sometimes we feel super. I want to say complimented or feeling good about ourselves if men are approaching us and asking us for our numbers. And so when things open up and that happens, I usually tell my clients. So I want to offer this to you as well, that I don't want you to give your number out to men.

And Just FYI, whatever you want to take from this webinar, great. If there are some things that you don't want to take from it, great as well. But here's why I'm saying this. Because the men that are asking for your number are also asking for numbers of every other woman that they meet every day. Right. And if they're giving five numbers a day, in a week, they're going to have 35 numbers and you're going to be one of many.

Right.

So. And they'll just go down the line. Right. And then they'll engage that way. Right. So when you're engaging with someone and a guy asks for your number, just let him know, I don't really give my number out like that, but I'll take yours. And if this conversation is amazing, I will definitely reach out to you.

Right. I love.

That. Yeah.

Okay. So I did want to, you know, just co sign on Amworth's comment about working. That was me. Right. We were talking as I dug myself into work and work was what I did all the time. And I thought someone was going to ring my doorbell and eventually they would arrive and that's not going to happen. So he's right about taking really active and proactive steps. I do want to answer one of the questions we did get about is this session for younger women. What about if I'm divorced? I'll share that. I'm actually divorced. I'm a little bit older than I think I may look. I'm in my early 40s. And so this session, it is really applicable for those who were married or divorced or widowed. And I even say it's a little bit different for us because we've been there before and we come at it with a different perspective. And one thing I will say if anyone's been divorced is you come out knowing yourself a lot more. It's a learning experience of not knowing what you want and what you don't want and shifting sometimes in the priorities that you're looking for in a future partner. So I will co sign that ANWR definitely.

Is not just for someone who's 23 looking to find a high value man. And that's the new word right now. High value.

Man. Yes, girl. It's all up and down. Clubhouse. I generally work with women that are between the ages of 30 and 50. Right. I think it's a different mentality. I actually just spoke with someone that's 25, but that would be my youngest client. Generally I work from 30 to 30.

50. Yeah.

Great. So if you are in that age group, then I'm talking to you.

Specifically. And so because of just the current situation, a lot of us are finding someone on dating sites. And I know as long we talked, there's a plethora of dating sites out there. Can you just share a little bit about your thoughts of those dating sites, who you prefer and what we should be doing to best position ourselves for success? It isn't about who you catch, it's who you want to keep. So I know that it's hard for women to put together profiles like, am I showing too much? Am I doing too much? What are your thoughts.

Amar? Yeah, I love this question and I get this question a lot, like, what's the best app? What should I be on? And for me, it's like, I have my preferences, but it's going to be different for everyone. So it's all about. It's like going to the gym, right? Like, it's all about what you make of it. Right. If you're working the weights, if you're on the treadmill, then you're going to get great results. It doesn't matter what gym you go to. Right? So it's the same for these dating apps as well. In terms of my, what I'm a fan of, I'm a fan of Match and I know people are like, that's so old school and all of that. It's. I think it's great. From my experience, the people on Match are very serious. And if your goal is to be dating and to have a boyfriend and to get married, then yes, Match is going to be a really great opportunity and experience for you. Right? Tons of people. And also there's a paywall there. So the people that are on Match are going to be paying, which means that they're just naturally going to be more serious. And that's what I tell my clients to go on. My second favorite would be Hinge. Hinge is, I would say, a little bit younger. But the people on Hinge, I think are very, in general, high quality, are high value overall and they want to date. Right. I think for me, I always think Matches people who want to date and get married. Hinge is definitely for people that want to date and obviously dating leads to marriage, so they have success there as well. In third place, a distance third, I would say OkCupid. And I say that for the more cerebral types that are interested and long winded and have a lot of thoughts and opinions and don't mind answering all of the different questions that are available with OkCupid. So those are my top three. I'm not a huge fan of Tinder. It's a hookup site, and if that's what you want to do, that's great. My clients are looking to.

Get a ring.

So Tinder is not going to help you a lot with that. Plenty of fish, the same generally. Here, there, everywhere. Lots of flakes, losers, pervs, the whole works. Bumble, I'm not a huge fan of. I know that you were on it, girl, but it's because I don't like that the women have to make the first move. Right. I want men to be investing in you. Right. And what that means is that I want them to take the initiative. I want them to let you know that they're interested. Right. And because of the nature of the engagement, what happens is that it attracts a lot of lazier men and a lot of toxic and narcissistic men that feel entitled and feel like they're just going to wait and sit and all of these girls are going to be on their jock. Right. And so that's why I'm not a huge fan of Bumble. Now, for some of my clients that are not used to dating and not used to engaging, sometimes I will have some of my clients go onto Bumble just so that they can get used to, like, putting themselves out there and reaching out without any sort of mind trash or mind drama about what's going to happen back. Just the exercise of it more than anything else. So those are my feelings about the.

Apps.

What about Black People Meet? Someone has asked a question about that.

Site. Yeah, I mean, I put it as, like.

It'S okay, but I don't think it. I haven't gotten a lot of really great success with my clients on it, so. And I think it varies from. From, like, Metro City to Metro City, like, the quality of men on there. So that's why I'm, like, not a huge fan of it.

Like, Texas is, like, really good for that app. I don't know what it is, but, like, Dallas and Houston, like, they really come through with that app and that site. So. But it depends on city by city. So. And that. That's one of the things that I do with my clients. Right. It depends on the region. It depends on, you know, if you have kids or not. If you're divorced. It depends on what age you're at in terms of where I place them to get the most effective results. Okay. Okay. In terms of profile pics, I think it's important to just have, like, one travel pick. I know a lot of women out there that have a ton of travel pics that in Bali and, you know, in China and all of that other stuff. And I'm like, girl, just one, right? I want those pics to represent your life, right? In all aspects of it. Your hobbies. I want you to have one at home on your sofa just chilling, right? This is really an opportunity for the man to envision himself fitting into your life right, through these digital assets. And so you want to give him a good sense of what that looks like professionally. If you like to go to the ballet or the museum or go out to restaurants, those kinds of picks, right? That's really important. One thing that I like to tell my clients, and I want to share with you all, too, is, like, when you're out and about and you're feeling yourself, or even if you're home right now and you're feeling yourself and you've dressed up, girl, take some pictures, right? And bag them for later on so that you can continue to kind of trade in and out these pictures. Because I think it's really important. And I tell my clients that you should be changing your pictures up every month, right? Even if it's, like, changing the actual order of them, but changing them up so that you become fresh, right? The last thing that you want to do is be stale on a dating app. So change those pictures every month, and you'll get a whole new flood of men coming up and checking you out. So that's how I feel about pics in terms of profiles, because I know a lot of women ask about, like, what should I be putting on my profiles? Like, I don't know how to write them, and all of this stuff. And so it's interesting, a lot of the women that I work with and let me know out there if you've done this as well as you lead with, like, your accomplishments and what you've done and what you do and all of that. Girl, these men don't care about your accomplishments, and that is no shade to your accomplishments. They want to feel good around you, right? Ultimately, at the end of the day, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just trying to spill all the tea that I can.

So in saying that, I think it's important to really understand who you are and what you like, right? And so. And if you. I think we all have an interesting sense of who we are, but I always tell my clients, like, ask yourself these questions, right? What makes you special? What makes you unique? What Makes you confident. Right. And then ask two of your girlfriends those questions about yourself. And ask two of your male friends about that question about yourself. Pretty sure you're gonna get different answers all the way around. All of those things should be in your profile. Right. Men are gonna look at you differently, just like women are gonna look at you differently, but all of them have some truth to them. So I want you to be combining all of those things. Things in your profile. Another thing that I see in profiles is that, like, it's very fourth grade, but, like, every sentence starts with I, right? And it signals that, like, I'm really into myself. And so change that up as well. Right. People say that I am. Right. My friends would describe me as.

So that is another thing that I see a lot as. Well. Let me think of some other things.

Yeah, I think that's really important. The other thing that I'd like to do, too, because when clients first come to me, they are asking me, I have to redo their entire profile. And one thing that I like to do is include questions in the profile. You want to grasp the reader to have them actually answer any of the questions that you have going on. So if you're like, hey, I live in Atlanta and I love wine bars, brunch spots. Those are my favorite places to go, girl. Then ask him also, like, where are your favorite places in Atlanta to.

Go?

Right. Let him, you know, engage with your profile a little bit. So you should be asking questions in there as well. And then finally, just like, changing up the profile pic.

On your profile, you want to be also, like, changing the locations as well, you know, every couple of months, just so that you're getting a new, fresh set of people. Even if your radius is pretty large, the algorithm on dating apps is such that they will still show you different people, even if you put yourself, let's say, 20 miles away. Right. So you want to kind of do that as well.

Yeah. Awesome. Thank you. And what he's saying is 100% true. Just agree with you again, Anwar, about accomplishments are great, but don't lead with.

Them.

Yeah. And that's no shade because you worked hard for them. Right. And I understand that, and I get that. I'm just saying that that is not something that is going to help you win in this love game. Right. That's the difference between being professionally successful and romantically unsuccessful. Because if you're leading with that, that's going to work well for you in the professional realm. But if you're leading with that in the romantic realm, it's gonna come off as men don't really care as much because it doesn't make them feel great and they just want to feel good around.

You.

Exactly. Ultimately.

Yeah. And because a lot of us are so professionally minded, oriented. I remember when I was first single, I wrote down a list.

I had a list, and I.

Think. I think all women.

Do. I think 18 or 19 things I had written down, like, now that I'm single, these are the things that I'm looking for and are my requirements. What are your thoughts about this list and how does it hurt or help us in.

Dating? Yeah, I think it's really interesting because.

I think we all come up with a list in our head, whether that is starting in high school or junior high or just watching movies and thinking about what that ideal guy should be for you. And one of the things that I want to offer to you all is that I've been doing this for a while and what I've noticed is that love comes in a package that you're not expecting.

Always, always. So list is great in terms of understanding, like, what you want and what you don't want. But I don't want you to, like, weigh it heavily. Right. I'm not a huge fan of lists because as I said before, like.

At the end of the day, if somebody is like, providing the needs that you want, that is going to be the most important. Right. I know that there are a lot of women out there that are focused on, well, he has to have a graduate degree and be six feet taller or taller or make six figures or he has to be between 30 and 40 or whatever. I think it's great if that's what you want. I'm never here to shade anybody about their preferences, but you also have to understand, I was a statistics major in undergrad, that that's gonna cut your pool pretty small. Right? Like, there's only 13% of people that have graduate degrees. I think like 15% of people that are 6ft or taller.

9% of people that made six figures or more. Right. Roughly 40% of the population is between 30 and 50 or so. So, like, if you put all of those together, that's going to be 0.07% of the population. Right. That's your pool. And that's not even counting if that 0.07% is actually into you.

Right. So your list is probably hurting you more than it's helping you. And so I want to offer to you that.

I want you to think about your wants and needs in a different Kind of way. Right. I think it's important to have those characteristics, those 18, 19, 20 things that you have in your list, knowing full well that no one's going to check all of those boxes, knowing full well that your person is probably going to check, like, 13 of them, and you're going to have to be okay with that. I know that sounds really weird, but I'm saying that because I think a lot of smart and successful women are perfectionists. And it hurts you in this love game because you're looking for perfection in a man, and no one is perfect. And if he's not perfect, then you're not able to truly accept him. And ultimately, if you're not truly able to accept him, it's not going to work. Right. But the real issue that's going on here is that your perfectionism is oftentimes because you're not truly accepting yourself. And that's the work that I do with my clients to make sure that that's happening more than anything else. So in terms of what you want and what you need, I would say that it's important for you to think about some of the things that were missing in your childhood, Right? So let's just step back a second and think, like, what was something that you were yearning for that you weren't able to get while you were growing up? For me, it was a level of dependability and reliability. My father abandoned me when I was, like, 8 years old. And ever since then, that was something that I yearned for as, you know, as a child and as an adult. And so, like, when my partner came.

And, you know, they were showing up and they were calling, when they say whether they were going to call, and they were doing everything that they were going, they said that they were going to do, it was heaven to me. So I want you to be thinking about, what are those things that you were missing in your childhood? That. Because those are the things that are going to be important. Right. That can be dependability, reliability. It can be unconditional love. It can be attention, prioritization. One of the things that I found a lot is, especially for a lot of black women, is that oftentimes they don't feel like a priority in their household. Or also that because of the way that we're all raised, that we weren't comfortable asserting our voice. And that is something that is oftentimes very hard to.

Find in relationships, someone that's going to be able to respect that. And so if that is a need of yours, I want you to Honor and respect that as something that you will potentially need to have in a relationship versus the six feet tall versus the six figures, versus even things like. Funny, right? Ultimate. Because these are the core needs that you're going to need not just for a relationship, but for a long lasting relationship that is going to still be good and amazing 20 years down the road.

Yeah. So we had a question of what is chemistry? Right. How do you define chemistry and why do we have it with some and not with others? And like, how do you really assess? Like, are we good or are we not good? Like, what is the litmus test for.

That? Yeah, it's interesting. So chemistry, in my opinion, chemistry is that feeling of the butterflies in your stomach.

When you're like sitting across from him and you're just vibing, like you're feeling what they're feeling, what they're saying. You like their swag and they're feeling you. Because I think chemistry goes both ways, right. It's not something that like, oh, I have chemistry with him and that's it. Right. It's a two way street. And chemistry happens with two people and, you know, you enjoy each other's company and they make you smile and ultimately you're feeling good about being in the other person's presence. Right. Or oftentimes better about yourself.

I think it's important to realize though that chemistry can also.

Help you lose your mind.

Meaning. Right, that you might have chemistry with someone, but that doesn't mean that he's a good person.

And sometimes the chemistry blinds us to if this person is actually treating us well or not. Chemistry is not enough. I want to offer that to you and I say that with love and respect because chemistry is also biological and chemical and chemistry fades within 18 months. If everything you have is chemistry, then it's going to be gone in 18 months and then what do you have? I'm more focused on compatibility. Right. In terms of do you think about the world in a similar way? Right. Are your values more aligned? Do you want to grow.