GYG Testimonial - Tamara's Love Journey

All right, my loves, thank you so much for joining me today on the get yout Guy coaching podcast. I have a very special guest with me today. I have Tamara Mitchell, and she is a current client that I have. And I just thought it would be an amazing listen and experience for you to hear about her journey in terms of her program experience and also getting her guy. Right. I think she is a really great opportunity for you to experience what is possible in your love life. So, Tamara, thank you so much for joining me today. I so appreciate you doing this and being here.

Thank you for having me. I'm excited.

Yes, girl, you better be. You doing the damn thing, girl. So before we get into your love journey, why don't you tell the people out there kind of where you. Where you're located, like who you are, what your life looks like, what your business is all about, and then we'll get. We'll delve right into it.

So I am currently in Gardena, California. It's a little city in la, you know, close to beach cities, you know. And I am a single. I'm a single stay at home mom by way of foster care. So I adopted my kids and I am building a business called We Are Doing.

Which I'm still trying to figure out what it is. But right now it looks like I want to serve people by creating support groups and gatherings that help them to be seen and not feel so isolated in whatever they're going through. So, for instance, I'm a single mom, so creating spaces for single moms to have conversations with other single moms or just people who aren't single moms, because. Whatever.

Yeah, yeah, amazing. So you talked about being a foster mom and a single mom. Right? Talk to me about that decision to actually do that, which first and foremost is amazing and super admirable. I'm just so. It's like touching that you are able to do that. So talk to me about that decision for you.

Yeah. About six years ago, a little bit more than six years ago, my sister just got to a place where she couldn't do it anymore. And so.

They removed the kids from her and I got the call and without even hesitation, no thought, no like, how am I going to do this? I said yes. So literally the only two things that they required of me was to have a bed for each of the kids. That was the only thing. They didn't fingerprint me. They didn't, like, make sure that I had anything for the kit. Like, nothing. Literally. It was like, do you have a bed for each of the kids. And then that next day I had a two and a three year old.

Wow. Amazing.

In my little. I had this like little bachelor bachelorette little apartment where with tile floor. So literally was like a living room slash office slash all of these things in this one little space. A bathroom and a kitchen. And now I have a two and a three year old. That's what happened.

I know that sometimes we do things also because.

We either give up on love or we want to feel some sort of void. So do you think that the decision was also.

Rooted in some of that thought as well?

I'm not sure. Because my biggest thing was there was no way, like I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if they had to go into the foster care system. Like to know that someone else who's not family.

Got these two kids. I wouldn't have been able to live with that. So. So in that sense, yeah, there's definitely.

Some love tied to it or like some loyalty. Like mom, this is my sister's two kids. Like there's no way that I could, like I couldn't step up.

Yeah.

You know? Yeah, yeah.

At that time, at that time I did have a boyfriend.

Okay.

So I had a boyfriend. I didn't talk to him about it. We were four years in. We were four years in and we were doing like the long distance thing. I mean, he was.

And she's using quotation marks, by the way, people, just for everyone.

Because. Because he was in like.

Pomona or something and I'm in la. Like that's not long distance. Like you can make the 40 minute drive. Like come on. Anyways. Yeah, but I didn't talk to him because it was a dead end relationship and I was like, really? This isn't going anywhere anyways, so I'm going to take in my kids.

Yeah.

No brainer.

Well, the reason I was asking that is because sometimes what we do as humans is we create these surrogate partners, right. Where we're like, whether it's pets, whether it's a garden, whether it's work, whether it's our own parents. Right. Where it fills a void that was missing in our lives that we wanted, needed, yearn, desired. And so that's why I was asking that question more than anything else.

Go ahead.

Yeah, I mean, because it's funny because when I got the kids, I had my. I've only had one full time job in my whole entire life. And so I got the kids. Right. I had graduated from college. It took me eight years to do that. I had just graduated from college, and I was in my first job. I had been there for, like, a year. I had just got this apartment. I had just got a new car. And so, like, my life seemed like it was lining up. But, yes, like you said, I was missing something. And so.

I had space for kids. Right. Even though there was, like, this deep desire in my life to never be a single mom, I was like, I refuse to be a single mom. But just presented with the opportunity, I was like.

Well, I got space. Why not?

Got it.

Good.

All right, girls, well, let's talk about your love life before working with me. Like, how often were you dating? Talk to me about some of these past relationships that were going on.

I wouldn't say that I was dating because it's kind of interesting since I've worked with you. I didn't say see phone calls as dating. I didn't see, like, basically my definition of dating was not what it is now. I just thought that dating was, like, I don't know, like, I had never did a courtship. Like, that had never actually happened. It was just kind of like you woke up one day and your boyfriend and girlfriend. Like, you didn't talk about it. You just were boyfriend and girlfriend. And that had been the relationships I had in the past. And so with this whole dating thing, I was just like, I don't know what this is. I don't know how to do this.

And so that's what it was like prior. So I was giving a lot of energy to men who weren't matching my energy.

That's it. There's a little situationship situation.

Girl, we're gonna dive into. We're gonna speak on it. And I'm going to. I'm saying this because so many of my clients have these situationships. And the reason why I work for six months is because it takes two months to let these old ties go.

Yeah, that little entanglement situation.

Yeah, well, let's talk about that a little bit. So we had a situationship and entanglement Ms. Jada. And what was going on there?

So I had this.

Attracted to unavailable men. Like, I was calling in unavailable men. Who needed to be fixed. Air quotes again. Who needed to be fixed, who had potential. Like, all these things. Like, they're not currently ready for me. And so this little situationship. He was actually an ex. Like, the ex.

Yeah.

Right. So, like, he was a whole bunch of my first in. In high school. We lived together when I was 18, which also was really significant because my mom passed when I was 17.

Yeah.

And so he was one of the only men I have dated that has met my mom. So this guy has a very special place in my heart because of all of these things that have happened in the past. And so there was a point in time where we lived together for about six months, and then we broke up. And then we did this, like, off and on again thing where I thought we were together, but we weren't.

And we never had conversations about that.

We never had conversations.

And I just want to pause really quickly. I want to pause really quickly because, you know, it's interesting. Sometimes we approach our adult relationships, romantic relationships, as if we were children, right. And in school, what would happen is that you would talk to a guy or whatever, and then suddenly everyone was like, oh, you guys are together? And it's like, yeah, I guess we are together. And there's no real true conversation about are we actually together or not. And then that's how our mother and fathers dated. And this is how our grandparents dated as well. So it's easy for us to get into that pattern. Right. I don't want you to feel like you're the only one because there's so many other women out there that are just like, exactly. Do the exact same thing.

Yeah, I know, I know. But yeah. So we did that off and on again thing for seven years. And the only way that I knew it was done was he got engaged to someone else, like, literally overnight. I don't even know if I told you all of the details about all of this, which I don't know if it.

But, girl, but, you know, at that moment when you were telling me about him, I didn't even care about some of these details. We know what we needed to do.

I'm hoping that it's helpful for some other women who are going through the.

Same things for sure.

So I didn't know. I didn't realize it was over until he was engaged to someone else and then shortly married. So I cut that off, fast forward. I don't even know how many years later, I randomly get a message from him on my birthday.

And this was in 2018, I believe.

And he just hit me out of nowhere on my birthday. And then me being me was like.

He remembered my birthday and he's messaging me on my birthday.

And I fell into the trap.

So from that day up until, like, for about two years, we messaged everything. Like, we talked in some way, shape or form every single day. And I was giving so much energy to this man in a day That I was just not focusing on anything else that mattered. I would drop everything, even my kids, to spend time with him, even if it was a phone call or if it was to go and see him.

Which just reminded me. Someone asked me what was I doing before COVID.

When he gets to that school. And I'm like, that's one of the things I was doing. Just traveling to go see this man. Not this man coming to me. It was me traveling to go see this man. So, yeah, it. And then he himself, because remember I said he. He. The way that I knew it was over was because he had got married.

So he is not married now, but he is still unavailable in his situation. So he, like, he has two kids with his baby mother who he lives with. And.

And you were still at that moment, still engaging with him.

Yes. So he's.

I don't want to. I don't want to speak for what his situation is because he lied to me. Like, I, like, the whole point is the man is unavailable. Right?

He was. He was unavailable and potentially not being 100% honest or truthful with his situation. Okay, so when did you know that you needed help with your love life?

So, okay.

So I've never known what I needed in a relationship. I could say that is because I didn't get the love as a. As a child and not having a father figure and not having too many examples of good relationships minus those seen on television.

I don't know many married people.

So I just. I didn't have too many examples of healthy relationships. But I didn't. In all honesty, I didn't come to you for dating. Right. I came to you for confidence, which in turn also includes my love life. Because not only was I struggling with loving my loving a person, I was struggling with loving myself. And so.

Yeah, I don't remember the actual question, but that was the stuff that came.

Yeah, just. Just, you know, when you knew that you needed help with your love life.

Oh, yeah, because I was. I was. I don't know if I could cuss, but like, fuck boys.

Yes.

A lot of. Yeah, just a lot of fuck boys. A lot of one night stands. A lot of, you know, just giving my time and energy to men who just did not match my energy. Yeah.

Was there any certain. Was there any certain moment that you were like, okay, this has got to stop?

It was. I mean, with my little situationship, I was just giving so much time to him, but, like, new.

I don't know what's the right. What was the words?

I just Knew that we weren't going anywhere.

Right.

And if I continued to pursue that, even though I had a really hard time letting that go, if I continued to pursue that, I was never going to get what I wanted. And so I just really want it.

I just want that life, like that dream of having a partner who is actually a partner. And I. And I knew for a fact I was not. Not for a fact. I didn't know for a fact. I knew I wasn't going to get it from him and that I had to find it somewhere else.

Got it. Yeah.

Yeah.

So talk to me about the decision to actually get on a consultation call with me. Right. Because there's one thing to know that your love life is maybe not where you want it to be. There's another kind of decision making process to actually get on the phone with someone, a stranger, and talk about it. Right. Were you nervous what going on in your head?

Yeah. So I had. I continue to have this idea that I want to be a coach.

And not necessarily knowing how to tap into it, but one thing I learned was in order to be a coach, you have to be coached. And so I. So I was in this community with all of these people. Half of the thing, half of the people in there happen to be coaches. And so I was like, all right, you need confidence. And so let's try to find a confidence coach. And so I literally, in the Facebook group, went through all of the self made Sundays and was like, confidence coach just to see who would pop up. Because in order for someone to pop who for. In order for someone to actually put a post, they were confident enough in their business or their idea. And so. So I looked that up and the very first. Well, I don't even know if you were the very first person to pop up, but you popped up. And I was like, an hour consultation, who does that?

Me, girl, me. We go through it.

Yeah. Usually people are giving like 15, 20 minutes. No one does an hour. So I just like, let's see what's up and the rest is history.

Yeah. So talk to me about what happened for you on that consultation and how you were feeling afterward.

One thing that I was missing was people being very blunt and honest with me.

I was really good at.

Waiting people, swaying people however I wanted them to with whatever I said. And I think one of the things that you were really good at is you. You saw through the bs. You were like, nope, nope, hold up.

Yeah, in that, in that very first call, you were like, wait, hold up. No, that I don't So I think that that was very beneficial for me because again, I could easily. I could tell you whatever you need to hear or whatever I think you need to hear.

Yeah.

In order to move on. Like, I'm not about to get into the deep stuff if I don't feel like getting into the deep stuff up. You were not having that.

Yes, girl, of course. It's interesting. So you brought up confidence, right. As something that you really wanted to work on. So I wanted to kind of go back to that a little bit. So what was it about the confidence that you, like, wanted to level up? Like, what was going on for you in that moment that you felt like you didn't have enough confidence to maybe reach your goals or whatever you wanted the confidence for?

So my theme for 2020, way before COVID I said it in like January was confidence. That was my theme for the year. And.

And I had done little bits and pieces of things to help with my confidence. Like, I signed up for. What is it? How do you say the word? Boudar? Booter, Whatever. One of those. Yes. I was like, I don't. Don't try to. Anyways, I signed up for one of those.

I created this business.

I did all of these things to show that maybe I had more confidence, but deep down inside I didn't. I didn't know my self worth. I didn't. I didn't love myself and I couldn't speak on what made me amazing.

And so what better way to do that than to find a coach who can help me figure it out?

Yeah. Yeah. Good. Okay. So let's talk a little bit about working together. And I want to let everybody, I want to let everybody out there know that me and your girl fought. We fought up and down. And I want to let you know that if you want to work with me and something is not going right and you want to continue to think a certain way, we might fight. Right. But know that I am passionate about getting you to your goals. Right. And that I am going to think of you as your highest self and not where you are now. So, girl, let's talk about working together. And what were some of the things that came up for you that I think were really important themes for you and your love journey?

One of the biggest things was that I don't know Faith tell people about, like, yeah, like, it was my go to for everything was like, if I didn't have an immediate answer, my answer was always going to be, I don't know, I'm not going to Because. Because, for. For some reason, I had to be very certain with my answers. Like, everything had to be so matter of fact. So I'm not going to speak on something if I don't instantly know the answer. And so a lot of times you would ask me those deeper things and I'd be like, I don't know. And you would be like, no, take a moment to think about it. And I would be like, I don't want to. Like, in my head I would think, I don't want to. But then you're like, we're not going to move on until you answer it. You can't. Because, like, again, I was really good at giving a surface answer sometimes so that we could move on and.

Which you probably were doing for a good part of your life.

Yeah, because I'm a talker. I'm a talker, and so that was my go to. But that, I don't know, stuff went out the window and I. And I. Oh, I fought it. I fought it so hard.

And you don't do that anymore.

I don't.

If I feel myself about to say it or if I do say it, I also with it take a minute to pause to say, well, think about it, because you do know the answer.

I just want to interrupt you for a second. I'm so sorry, but I want to let the listeners know out there that, you know, you have all of the answers to your entire life. Right. I don't want anyone thinking that they don't know anything. With the right amount of time and research, y', all, we have Google, we have so many things out there. You can figure out the right answer for yourself. Right. First and foremost. Secondly, how that affects your love life is that when you don't know something, then the opinions, the thoughts. Right. The feelings of other people take priority over you, and you follow suit with what they want to do instead of what you truly want to do. And that's a problem. That's where you lose your power and control in love. And perhaps that was happening for you, Tamara.

Yes, my situationship is a prime example.

Yeah, yeah. So that's why it's important. I think people out there are listening. Like, who cares if she doesn't know? No, it's important because she does know. And we. The part of our sessions that are important is to have that time to sit back and really think about those things. Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Sorry about that.

So, yeah, so the I don't know thing is probably the most beneficial thing that has happened. Also, the Funnel. I fought that funnel.

So the funnel, we're not going to go into the details because that's my secret sauce, girl, but the funnel is how I teach all of my clients to date and how to have a certain evaluation or criteria in terms of how to move forward with a man or woman or not. Right. And talk to me about why you were fighting it.

The fuck. So the way that I had pictured dating was you talk however long before you actually decide to meet each other, and.

Like, you try to catch a vibe while texting. But, like, one of the things I believe you pointed out was.

You can't. You, like, you can't figure out anything about a person through text.

Can you repeat that? I think we missed that. What did I say?

So you have said that you can't completely understand a person through text because they are putting on a show. So, like, it's much easier to hide through text than it is to hide through a phone call or a video call. And so you can't decide a person is your person through text.

Right. It's like a resume versus an actual interview.

Yeah. And I was convinced that, like, if the longer the text messages, the more something along the lines of, like.

You'Ll. You'll figure it out through text. And that was silly. So I. I spent a lot of time fighting that first initial part of the tick stain and. And needing to minimize it to. To. To hurry up and get to dates. Like, we get. We threw these men. There's so many fish in the sea. Like, get through these men.

So many.

And just get to a date and then actually determine if these men are worth your time with this date. Because if you're not. If they're not actively trying to date, what are we doing here?

Exactly. We're not wasting time here. It's 2021. We're lucky to be alive at that point. It was 2020. Like, girl, we're not trying to waste our time here.

A single mom. So every minute that I am spending doing something else is a minute I'm taking away from my kids. So if we're going to. If we're going to take this time to do this thing, it got to be worthwhile. Why? Why are we doing this? And so with the funnel, I just kept not following the rules. And I think there was this one time where I completely was breaking the rules with this one person. And then quickly I realized why the funnel existed, and I was like, you wasted so much time on this one person who, if you would have just got on a Phone call with him, you would have known that he was waste. He was wasting time.

Mm.

And then he would have been out of the funnel. Like, it was that simple. Like, it would have just been out.

Of within a couple of days versus a couple of weeks. Right.

Like, imagine spending, you know, a month talking to a man every single day, never getting a date, and it never going anywhere. Why did I spend this month doing it versus spending two, three days doing that same exact thing? So, yeah. Yeah, I fought it hard. I fought it hard.

Yeah, I love that. What were some of the other kind of struggles you were having while we were working together?

My mom identity.

One of the things I had. I mean, I still struggle with this, but whenever I talk about who I am, I lead with mother. I always lead with mother. Everything was Tamara as a mom, and I was really struggling with who am I outside of being a mother? So when it. So when it came to dating, it was like, you. Because I think you one time had said something along the lines of, like. Or maybe I heard it somewhere else. But, like, if I continue to lead with, like, this mother, then I'm going to attract people who want a mom. And I was like, I don't want to be nobody else's mom. Like, I got two kids. Like, I don't need to be anybody else's mom. And so.

It was just this. I needed to separate the two in order to love me, because.

Being a mom is being a mom. And I'm not dating to find somebody to be a dad to my kids. I'm dating to find somebody who's a partner for me.

That's right.

Who. Who then also will end up being a father figure to my kids. So it's me first, my kids second.

That's right. That's right. And oftentimes so many mothers have the reverse. Right. And that, in your love life, I think, is really problematic. I think that was one thing that was, I think, also a game changer for you is because you were dating and you dated a dad, and he was giving that dad energy, and you were like, oh, this is how I'm coming off. I don't know anything about this, man. Do you remember that?

Oh, my God. The very first phone call we spent? Because you also recommended that the dates be, like. The phone calls be, like, 30 minutes, which also. I thought I was like, 30 minutes. Like, you should be on the phone with me forever. Anyways. Hi. Hi.

And this phone call, we literally spent, like, 20 minutes of it talking about our kids because he had just this like, he had just started being a single dad because, like, him and the. Whatever. But the whole point is, it was just like, I don't need a venting partner about how much single momhood sucks. Right? Because it does. But there's also some glorious things about it.

But that's not. That's not what we're here for.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah. Let's talk about your situationship, because, girl, I think you fought me the hardest with that, didn't you?

Oh, man.

The funny part was you kept telling me he was a narcissist, and I was like, no, he's not. No, he's not. And then I'm the type of person where, like, I'm not secretive about what I'm doing. Right. And so I told him I had a dating coach and he would, like, ask me questions and, like, he would act like he had better.

And so one day. Yes, exactly. And one day I told him, no, no, let me back up. You asked me what. What is. What would have to happen in order for me to let him go. And at that time, I had no idea. I was like, I don't know. I. I can't think of anything because he was. His situationship was enough reason to say, this is not your dude. Move on. Even though there's, like, some part in my head that was like, it went just friends, but no, you've done more things than friends do. This isn't even a friends with benefits situation. This is.

The whole situation. And so you asked me what would have to happen in order for me to let it go, and I had no idea. And so you called him a narcissist. And I told him that you called him a narcissist. And he got so upset, and he was like, I'm not a narcissist. I'm something else. And I don't want to dive into his business as to what that was. But once I heard that, it made so much sense, and it proved to me that he was never going to be able to. To love me the way that I needed to be loved and that I was always going to be stepping on eggshells, and I was always going to have to meet him, where he was at, and I was always going to have to do things for him, and there was never going to be a time where he was going to be able to reciprocate it because of what I had learned about him. And that was the point where it was just like, I'm wasting my time. And I literally cut him off. I have not talked to him since December.

Yeah. Three months. Yeah. I also asked you, what has he done for you that was just for you?

And we had some trouble actually getting to any sort of answer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there, I mean, because even if he was giving me advice, it was him giving advice for him to feel good, like, to better him. Like, he wasn't. He was never giving me anything for me. He was always giving me stuff for himself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One thing that we had talked about was.

Intimacy and your body. Right. And I think that was something that was, I think, a breakthrough for you in terms of how you were.

Interacting with men. Right. Would you mind sharing any part of that that you feel comfortable sharing?

So I.

I was a hoe.

Why were we a ho, though, girl?

So I.

In this whole thing, I realized I just did not have much self worth. And the only thing I thought that I had of worth, of value was my body. Even though I personally am not confident in sex, I felt like that was the only thing I had to really offer. And so.

So I, I fast forwarded to that a lot of times.

Or I just allowed it to escalate there. Even if I wasn't comfortable enough to get there. I felt that that was all I had to offer, that there was nothing more to Tamara than her body.

So, yeah, that was so. Yeah. So a lot of one night stands in my history.

Yes. But we've made some changes, for sure.

I remember you told me I couldn't have sex for a month. And I was like, what?

Because prior to you, I. I was, I was dating.

And I went on a few dates, but with all of the dates, I had sex on the first date and. But then nothing ever happened after.

And I had got into my head that it was, oh, like people want to have sex with me because I. There was also like this idea in my head that no one would want to have sex with me. And there's a deeper reason to that, which I don't, I don't want. I don't think I want to get into that one, but there's a deeper reason. And so I thought that no one would want my body.

And then I learned that people did want my body, even if they knew.

So, yeah. So that not having sex for a month, then I was like.

And I said that not to control you or your body, but give you the opportunity to see one side and also the other side and make a conscious decision about how you wanted to move forward. Right. More than anything else.

Okay.

Good. So let's talk about some of. As we're talking about this change. What are some of the other changes that you were able to make while you. While we were working together or are working together.

So one of the things I appreciate, because now I have to prepare for our calls, because I was like, you can't just come into this blind was that high. Low. Because whenever I talked about a low, I usually tied it to my kids.

And. And I hated that. I hated that. That a lot of times my low was tied to my kids because in reality, like, I have all control on what's going. Not all control, but, like, I can control a lot of what's going on in my. In my household, and my kids are just being kids. So, like, I can't.

So trying to say that my low is something that happened with my kids just was not representative to, like, what.

I don't. This. I can't really think about, like, how to say the words, but I just hated that my low wasn't my kids. I really. That. That really bugged me. And so I started to rethink what are some actual lows, because.

Yeah, so. So I prepare way harder to figure out my low, even though sometimes I don't necessarily know how to articulate the low, which I think another thing that's really beneficial is you're like, let's talk about it. Like, yeah, like, even if I can't figure out a low at that moment, you're like, well, let's just talk about it. And then something comes, and then there ends up being, like, this whole, like, 15 minutes of talking about that thing, and that had nothing to do with relationships, but has everything to do with, like, who I am as a person.

That's right.

So, yeah, so I. Yeah.

And I do that because, you know, how you show up in one thing is how you show up in everything. Right. And I think people think that dating, you know, working with a dating and relationship coach is all about just talking about guys and, like, what to text and, like, what to say and. No, it's about becoming the best partner that you can be. And that, you know, especially as a woman, means knowing yourself inside and out and getting clarity about the things that you want, the things that you don't want, as well as being so in tune with your feelings. It's unbelievably crazy, right, that you can say, I'm feeling this way. And I know why immediately, because if you're able to do that, you're able to communicate that to your partner. And then your partner can help come to some sort of resolution around that. Right? Okay, good. I mean, so, girl, let's talk about how you got your guy, because you also kind of fought that too.

I wonder if I'm like the hardest client that you've ever had, because I feel like I've just been the most difficult.

Not at all, girl. This is all par for the course, right? We all have our habits and patterns that we've been living by our entire lives. And so it's really about just being conscious about those things. And the reason why I'm able to see beyond whatever immediate struggles we have is because I know what the finish goal, the finish line looks like. And so my focus is there and not about what's happening at the 10 yard mark.

But, yeah, so my guy.

I actually met him on Plenty of Fish, which is funny because out of. Because towards the end, before me and him became official, I was on three apps. And so out of all three of the apps, I never thought I was going to find a person on Plenty of Fish.

Because plenty of. Should I be bashing apps?

No, no, we can. So generally, I do not recommend that my clients go on Plenty of Fish, but because I knew that Tamara was having some confidence things that she wanted to work on. Plenty of Fish was the perfect app for her to be on so that she knew that everybody would check in for her. Because on Plenty of Fish, you're going to get a lot of attention.

Too much. Right? But I knew that in her love journey that that's what she needed at that time, understanding that maybe the quality wasn't the most amazing, but we needed to get to a certain level of confidence for her to show up in her love life in the way that she needed to. And I remember real. I want to say three, four months ago, you had gone into the Facebook group with all of the other amazing women and you're like, is anybody else on this app? What apps are you all actually on? I was like, girl, you have your own love journey that we are doing, and we're not going to try to leverage what some of these other women are doing because they're also on their own journey.

Yeah, yeah, because I. Because I think one of the other things I struggled with was.

Talking. So, like, when I have an idea, I don't talk, talk to other people about it. I just kind of just do it. And so. So, like, when I was like, I'm done with Plenty of Fish, but I talked to you about why I was done with it. I Just was like, I'm done. I'm just gonna delete it. I don't want to do this no more. And you were like, no. Like, why wouldn't you talk to me about that? And it was just like, I just. Just at that point, I got overwhelmed with it.

Yeah.

And I wasn't getting much quality, and it was just like, I just don't have the energy for these people. Which then meant lean into the funnel even more, because if they weren't meeting expectation, it's real easy to X them out and move on, you know? And then I had also gotten to this point where I was trying to respond to everybody.

And plenty of fish was giving me at least 50 messages a day at one point.

Who has time to respond to 50 messages in a day?

Right?

And I legit was trying. And so, of course, I get overwhelmed and don't want to respond to people.

And I stopped doing that.

People will be lucky if they got me once a day at some point. Like. But. But yeah. So I. Yeah, I fought it.

And I think this is a really good point in terms of how I work with my clients. Right. And I want us to be making decisions together at every point of this love journey or engagement. Right. And I do that again, not because I'm trying to control any of my amazing clients out there, but it's because I want you to get used to making decisions as a unit. Right. This is about preparing you for your future, you know, partner, your future, you know, husband or wife or whatever it may be. And so I know that you have to get into the habit of doing that. Right. And most of my clients are coming to me as single, independent, ambitious women that are not used to. As they feel checking in or getting approval. That's not what this is about. This is about let's talk through the potential solutions, the potential options, and let's figure out what's the best option for you. Right. Obviously, always prioritizing your feelings, your thoughts, first and foremost, but having a discussion about it. Yeah. Okay. Let's actually talk about your guy now.

Okay. Okay. So, yes, I met him on plenty of fish, and he instantly was a step above the rest.

A lot of men, like, cast a net where they're just like, hey, yeah. And you're like.

What am I supposed to do with this? But he actually took the time to read my profile and instantly offered up a.

A referral to a sushi place because I had said that I was looking for sushi restaurants or something in the profile, and he. That was that was his initial message. It wasn't like, hey, just, like, some generic message that he was sending to all of the girls. It was. He actually spent that time to look through my profile and respond. And so I.

That was like, oh.

And so from there, like, we talked about random things, and there was a lot in common. There was space to be goofy and to just break out the awkward and, like, not be judged for it or feel, like, weird for being weird.

Yeah.

Yeah. Full acceptance.

Yeah.

Yeah. Very cool.

I know that.

It was. I think we had a lot of mind drama when we started getting close to exploration, exclusivity, and having a conversation about what that looks like, because I do encourage and recommend and go through those conversations with my clients, which I think are very important, before there's any sort of exclusivity, talk to me about kind of what was going on for you at that moment.

So I had expectations on who my person would be. You know, he was going to be a certain height, and he was going to have a certain job he was going to do. You know, he's funny and, like, all these. Like, I had all of these expectations and all of these things that I was telling myself that I wanted in my guy, and he is none of those things.

Oftentimes, they're not gonna fill most of those checklist boxes. Yes.

Yeah. Well, he. He's exactly. Exactly what I needed. And one of the things that you did was you asked, what were you missing as a child? And I just could not answer that. Like, that was just so personal and so deep. Like, I think I cried trying to answer that part because it was just like, what am. What did I miss from my parents? And so he gives me all of that.

Without fail, he gives me all of that. And he's a safe space where there's just a. There's not a lot of safe spaces in this world right now.

And. And so he's like my. He's like my little teddy bear. Yeah. And. And that's nice, you know?

Yeah. And I know that there was. It was also, like, you knew that it was getting close, and maybe I got the sense that you didn't know if you were ready because it was so real and perhaps. And let me know if I'm taking words out of your mouth or not, but that it was almost, like, kind of unbelievable, the place that you were at, and you were doing whatever you could to push it away and to sabotage this and to say, he's not what I want him to be, or whatever. And we went through one of my exercises, which is a love roadmap. And I read through everything that you said, and I asked him, okay, is he doing this? Is he that? Is he that? And every answer was, yes. Talk to us about that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was going on for you at that moment? And I'm asking because I think that a lot of women actually have those moments before it becomes real for them.

Yeah. One thing for sure that it happened, and you have pointed this out, was I was not accepting of myself. So there was a lot of things that I was not accepting of him. So, like, whenever I was talking about him, I was like, well, he lives with his parents. And like. Like all. There's all of these things that I just was like, well, I don't like this and I don't like that. But then if I sat down and really thought about it, those were things that I wasn't. I was internally not liking about myself, that I hadn't accepted about myself. And.

And so I just was like, you can't commit to somebody who's not doing. Like. I think there was this. There's a saying where, like, you can't. You can't give what you don't have or something like that. So, like, I can't expect a man. Like, I can't expect a man to have all of these things that I. That I actively am not bringing for myself. So, like, I can't require a man to be making.

You know, six figures if I'm not actively making six figures or getting to a place to make six figures. Not to say that I won't do that because it's happening, you know, because that's the other thing. Like, I'm a. Like, I'm a dreamer. I am very ambitious. And so I need someone to match. To match that energy. And so there was a point where I was like, I need someone who's ambitious. Right? Like, I need. I need someone who's. Who's. Who's doing things. But it's like.

No, you just need somebody supportive that's right. In your stuff. And so it doesn't matter if he too, because, like, in all reality, if we're both actively. If we're both actively doing all of these things, how will we make time for each other if we're doing all of these other things?

Make each other a priority. If you're ambitious and you're focused on your goals. Totally. Right. I love that. I love that. Okay, good. Well, I'm so happy that you have joined me today. Before we go Though, what would you say to anyone out there that's thinking about working with me or doing the get yout Guy coaching program? What would you say to them?

If you even landed on anything that is anwr, Just do it. Just sign up. Because there's like, the way that the universe is set up.

If you get these. If the things pop up, then just look at it as an omen and you're called to do it. Just do it. Just book that call and he gonna read you real quick. But like.

Yeah, with love, in a good way. He's going to read you real quick in that hour and there's. There's going to be no question about it. Like, he's worth every dime. Like, just. Just do it.

Like, I literally did not look like when I was looking for a coach, I didn't look at anyone else. I literally booked that consultation and was like, yep, this is the person. Let's go.

Yeah, thank you for that. What nice words.

I think sometimes some women feel like I'm not going to find my person just if I, like, do have a dating coach. And perhaps you are feeling that way as well. So talk to me about.

Kind of just your journey, I guess, in totality. Right. Coming from where you were four or five months ago to where you were are now, what sort of. How could you kind of encapsulate that for people?

I am definitely way more confident than I was.

Three, four months ago.

You can't tell me I'm not amazing today. Like, you can't. You can't tell me that because I would. I would battle you on it. Because there's so much, like, without a doubt. I know how much I have to offer and I know bits and pieces of me that makes me amazing and. And I can speak to it better. I still struggle with boundaries. I still struggle. Like, there's still things I struggle with. But I now have the confidence to say, well, let me get help with it. Whereas before I would just suffer in silence and. Or I would just complain a lot. That was also a really good go to and never actually change the things. But now I can say, well, I'll just talk to somebody about it. There's always somebody to help you through the things. And so Anmar is my person. I have other people too. I think. I also got really good at creating a much better support system.

Yeah.

Like requiring people to show up for me and the way that I need them to show up for me and me also showing up for them the way that they need me to show up for them.

Yeah.

I think you also challenge me a lot. Like, even with this relationship, you're like, because he got into a car accident, and so you, like, were like, send him a gift. And I was like, why would I do that? Like, he should be sending me gifts. And he was very appreciative of that gift. And I would have never thought to do it because that just wasn't a thing in my head, like, to show up for other people, just, like, I require them to show up for me.

And so, mind you, he got in a car accident on the way back from a date that he had driven 40 minutes, 45 minutes to see you on. I said, girl, you better give him something. He can't even walk because of you, basically. I'm just joking.

Exactly. Exactly. But.

Awesome, awesome, awesome. Tamara, thank you so much for joining me today. I so appreciate you, and I have so enjoyed being a part of your love journey and just seeing the amazing transformation that you have had over these last four to five months. I'm so excited what your love life looks like for the future and just your life in general. I just love the fact that you're showing up so differently, and because of that, there's so many amazing things that are happening in your life right now. So I'm just so excited to just be able to witness it. And thank you so much for joining me.

Thank you. This was fun.

Yeah. Awesome. All right, bye.