Heal Your Heart - Facebook Live 6-9-20

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Thank you for joining this live.

How are you doing?

Hello. Hello, everyone. Thank you for joining this live. I truly do appreciate it. For those of you that are on Instagram, the Instagram live has been a little bit funky. So if that happens, please make sure to go to the Facebook group. I'll send a link.

So that you can join it if you so choose to.

Thank you for the mug. Rise and shine. I think we all need to rise a little bit so that we can shine.

So I've sent a link to the link to the group for the Facebook group if you want to go there. That's just if the Instagram link is not necessarily working. But I did want to first check in with everyone and see how they're doing. I know that there's been a lot going on, a lot of tragedy, a lot of trauma, and for a lot of people it's been quite overwhelming. And so I just wanted to check in with everyone. On a scale from 0 to 10, how's everyone doing? Please be honest. Let me know where you're at. I know that last week was really tough. It was tough for me as well. It's one of the reasons I didn't come on last Tuesday. I just needed to. Needed kind of like a mental break and really just to take some time out for myself to really kind of heal and do some self care. Which is sometimes hard when you have children and I have three of them. So carving out that time was a little bit difficult. So that's why I had to bypass last Tuesday. But we're back this Tuesday for some Tuesday tea and we'll be talking about healing your heart. So if that's something that you feel that you need to do, whether that's related to relationships or even just being a black person or a person of color in America, then this is probably the Facebook Live that you've been waiting for.

Yeah, last week was tough, but this week feels a little bit better. I'm totally with you, Mel.

Good. Okay, so if you guys don't know me, my name is Anwar White and I am the creator and founder of get yout Guy, which is a relationship coaching program that helps smart and successful women heal their heart, learn how to date effectively and finally get their guy. I run a six month coaching program that helps women do this from start to finish. Part of what we're gonna be talking about today is healing your heart. And like I was saying before, with so much going on, there's so much healing that I think needs to Happen. And that's why I'm doing this today. Another reason why I am doing this is because I talk to a lot of clients or potential clients. I get DMs, like tens, ten or twenty DMs a day asking me, you know, hey, can you give me some advice on this relationship or this dating? And when I talk to them, what I find is that these women that reach out to me have so much emotional baggage from their past relationships and even their childhood, that their bringing into their current relationships that.

It'S always going to be hard for them to date and have a relationship successfully because they haven't healed all of that stuff yet. So it's just kind of rolling over to the next relationship. I don't know if anyone's ever, ever felt that way or if there have been certain patterns in your dating life that you continue to run across. You just can't get past them. Then this healing section that we're going to talk about right now is going to be crucial for you. So send me a message or let me know if you are having similar patterns in the way that you date or the relationships that you have. Because if that's the case, then there's some healing that needs to be done. So we'll talk about what's holding you back from that and then what we can actually do to make sure that we're doing the work necessary to kind of heal, but also complete some of those past relationships that are having or you have open wounds about. Okay. Alrighty. Let's get some tea before we start spilling some tea.

Okay. So healing your heart. I think it's important when we're talking about this first that we talk about why it can be so difficult for us to actually heal. One of the things, and I'll talk about six myths that I've kind of just written down that I think that really hinder our ability to actually heal. So if I say something that resonates, please put a comment or message. I'm sure that you're not the only one. I think that we've all been through a lot of these different healing hindrances that don't serve us as we continue to relate to others and connect with others. So the first kind of, you know.

Thing that hurts us when we're trying to heal is this thought of, you know, don't feel bad, right when you're feeling sad. You know, when you're growing up and your parents tell you don't feel bad. Maybe you've, you've, let's say you were in school as an elementary child and you know, someone was mean to you, right? And you go to your parents and you say, hey, you know, so and so was mean to me. And a lot of the times the parents will say things like, you know, don't feel bad, it's gonna be alright. You know, just focus on your schoolwork or whatever it may be. And oftentimes that's the wrong message to be sending.

But we internalize that as children. And so when we hear, you know, you're gonna be fine, it really denies our feelings and how we feel about things and we don't get the opportunity to actually feel them. And when we do that, we learn that from childhood. And so we continue that pattern throughout our adulthood as well. Where in your mind you're saying, oh, I shouldn't feel bad about this, I shouldn't feel bad about this. This is especially true for, you know, women that, you know, survive narcissistic relationships, right? That it's hard to get to a point where you're, you're thinking about really the feelings that you have and, and that you should actually be truly feeling feeling them. Right. A lot of times we want to shame ourselves or don't even think about it instead of really sitting in the pain to understand where that's coming from. So that's one thing that can potentially hurt us in the efforts to try to heal our heart. The second thing that I want to talk about when you're healing is really about replacing the loss. So for example, when, let's say.

You lose a pet, right, as a child and like a fish, and your parents just get you another one, or you lose a dog and you, you know, you get another one really quickly, or let's say you get, you know, you break up with someone and then you start seeing someone immediately afterward, right? So this thought of replacing what you've lost without actually processing it is really hurting the actual healing process because you're not giving yourself time to really do the true healing. There's this notion of there are plenty of fish in the sea, right? So just go out and go online and go on a site or go on an app, or go out drinking with your friends or go to the club and just meet other people and that's going to make you feel better. It rarely does. And you know, when you're avoiding your feelings and being able to process it, it just stays right in you, right? And you're not able to actually express it out. And so then what happens is it continues to accumulate and accumulate, and suddenly you're having explosions. I don't know if you all have had explosions, but that has been the case for me on occasion as well, because I wasn't taking the time to really do the healing work necessary for whatever was happening in my life. Let me know if that's something that's, you know, that you've experienced as well, because it's very important. Okay. So another. Another area that might be kind of really.

Preventing you from doing the healing that you need is. Is this notion that you have to grieve alone. So what I mean by that is like. And I'm always bringing it back to childhood because oftentimes what we learn about our feelings and how to process them is based on how we grow up in our childhood. So grieving alone means, you know, I'm sure, perhaps let me know when you're growing up, and let's say you're emotional or you're having feelings about something and you're crying, let's say. And your parents say, okay, stop crying. You don't need to cry. Or go to your room if you want to cry. Right?

Those are the things that are experiences that really ingrain in you, that you can't show your feelings out to other people, that you have to do it alone, in seclusion, in isolation, and no one should see you feeling sad or in pain. Right. And I want to kind of relate this to what's happening now. You know, with a lot of the murders of black people, there is this trauma field of not being able to truly express what all of this means, especially for people of color. And so, you know, it's super difficult, especially if you're working. And, you know, it can sometimes feel like you're grieving alone if you're in a workplace with all. With people that are not of color. So this notion of grieving alone, it's important that when you're in your healing process that you have one support system, but people that you can talk to. That's a huge part of the work that we do in my program at the very beginning, right. We have accountability partners as well as myself and my team to help you along in this healing process so that you're not doing it alone. So many women come to me and they're saying, you know, well, I don't really want to date. I'm just working on myself. But the real deal is that a lot of women don't know what working on themselves really means and how to heal on their own. And there are Certain ways to do it that can help expedite this healing process, Right. I'm not saying that they don't get to a place where they're going to be okay to start dating. What I am saying is that oftentimes, and this goes into kind of my fourth myth, which is.

This notion of time healing wounds. And oftentimes that's just not really the case. It's a lie that's kind of been fed to us. The way that I can explain this is, let's say you're driving a car and you. You get a flat tire, right? So. And that's really what pain kind of.

Is when you're. When you're dealing in life, right? So you're driving a car, you get a flat tire. If you continue to drive that car, you're still going to have a flat tire, and it's still going to be difficult for you to get to where you need to be. Right. Time doesn't really help that. Right. It just kind of actually hinders your momentum, and you're not able to get to your destination as quickly as you would like to because of this flat tire. And it's the same for your pain that you need to heal and process. Time doesn't really heal that. It's the work that you do that truly heals that. And the new memories and connections that you have with new and different people that helps you as well. So.

I have a couple more different things that we hear in our life that hurts us when we're trying to actually heal. Another one of these is this notion of, oh, you got to be strong. You got to be strong, right? And I'll take it back to childhood, right? I don't know if any of you have ever heard this, but a lot of people will be told by their parents, be strong. Don't cry. You're stronger than that, you know? And that actually really does hurt us. Because when you're telling someone to be strong, you're actually encouraging them to avoid and ignore their internal compass and their feelings. And when we do that.

We ignore who we are and we invalidate our own self and our feelings, which is.

Horrible, because if we can do that for ourselves, then we can allow anyone else to do that for us. Friends, family, romantic partners as well. So.

Whether you're a parent or not, this notion of be strong, be strong actually hurts. Hurts that person or that child when they start to develop their own relationships. And I want to speak specifically to the black women that are on these lives, right? There's this notion of being the superwoman, right? And that you always have to be strong. Not just historically speaking, but now, right. As we think about the familial dynamics of the black family, oftentimes the black woman has to be super strong. And unfortunately, what happens is, because when you're doing this, you unfortunately have to give up a little bit of yourself to do that, right? It's tiring, it's exhausting. And you actually become less human because you start to ignore your feelings and you're not able to process that. What happens? That like I was saying before, your pain, your sadness, your trauma starts to build and build and build and build until you lose your. Lose your shit, right? And maybe that's why they say things like angry black woman, right? Because you have to kind of hold it together and then suddenly, I mean, we all explode. But maybe there are times where, where people see that happening and it's frustrating. Right? And I totally. I just want to say I empathize with you and I'm right there with you. I'm there doing the same thing. And I have to constantly do the work to heal.

So let's not be strong, right? You have a choice. You can be strong or you can be human. And I'm encouraging you to be human. Okay? Okay. And the last thing that I think that's really kind of preventing you from healing your heart is also this. This notion that you have to be busy, right? That, you know, I got to do this and that I have to distract myself because, you know, if I'm busy, then it, then it shows that I'm doing alright and I'm okay, and then I can forget about the pain. And again, when you forget about it, it's continuing to accumulate this whole, let me, let me stay busy. Let me, let me dive into my work because that's gonna help me heal. That's not doing it, sis. And if you've tried it out, you probably know that diving into your work and leaning into it to try to avoid whatever's hurting you, whatever hurt you in the past, it doesn't work, right? It just stays there and it's stored there and it comes out and you get triggered because you have these open wounds that you haven't necessarily healed yet. Let me know if you're one of the people, one of the women that leans into her work when you're hurting or you're in pain or.

Because you want to have this illusion that everything is good and you're set and you know, you don't need to you know, you don't need to worry about anything. Yeah, definitely. Everybody's there, Everybody's been there. I'm pointing all of these out because it's important to understand why it's really hard for us to truly heal. Right. I don't want you to think that, oh my gosh, there's something wrong with me because I haven't learned how to truly heal my heart. We haven't really been taught how to do that. And so again, that's one of the reasons that we actually focus on that at the beginning of my program. Because until we get that, until we complete some of your past relationships that are probably still open that you haven't healed from, and until we heal a lot of those childhood wounds and that little girl inside that's screaming to be seen, heard and worthy. Right. You're not going to find a successful relationship. And I'm not being shady, I'm just being truthful. I'm just spilling tea. So until we. That's why this work is super important and that's why I'm super passionate about it.

Okay? So another reason why we have a lot of issues when it pertains to actually healing is because oftentimes what we do is beyond the six things that I've just mentioned. We start to. They call them stirrups, like short term energy relieving behaviors. Right. So those are those things that you do to help relieve yourself from the pain that you're feeling. Food, alcohol, drugs, sex, exercise, work, shopping. Right. Those are the behaviors that oftentimes we will do to actually.

Try to forget about the pain that we have. And oftentimes those become habit forming. And unfortunately then you have a compound issue of actually trying to get over your sturbish and then healing the pain that you actually have. Right. So let me know if any of you have kind of experienced this as well, where you'll be hurt about something, whether it's romantic, something at work, something from your family relationships or your friendships. And instead of actually addressing it, you go to one of your sturbs, your short term energy kind of relieving behaviors. Food, alcohol, drugs, anger, sex, fantasy, tv, books, movies. Right. I know for me, one of my sturbs was candy and ice cream. So that would be something that I would eat after work when I was stressed or I was in pain. Because when I was single and I was looking for someone, it was like, I've got to feel better about myself. So I've got to like, you know, I've got to get something that's going to make me feel better. Unfortunately, sturbs just like their namesake are short term and don't give you that long term effect of actually healing that you need. Right. And it compounds the problem. Just like I was saying, it's really like a false emotional protection.

So again, go in the comments and let me know if you have any stirrups that you're doing that that may be masking any sort of pain that you haven't been able to address yet.

Alrighty. So.

So let's talk a little bit. I know that I've been a little bit, not, I don't want to say negative, but I've talked up until this point about the things that are preventing you from healing. Right. I think it's important to have this conversation because one, everybody has gone through it and to acknowledge it is to kind of demystify it and to not give it as much power. And also when you're aware of it, you're going to actually be able to look out for it and avoid it so that you can truly heal. So let's talk about the actual healing process.

The first thing that is important to do when you're trying to heal your heart is really about discovering the truth and the core of where it's coming from. Right. I always say that any current hurt that you have now is really based on your past. Your past hurt. Right. So.

Oftentimes you'll hear me talk about, you know, what, what's happened in your childhood because a lot of it stems from that. So anything that you're feeling now in terms of pain is really a trigger for what's happened in your past. That is the central pain that you haven't been able to heal yet.

And this is the case even for what's going on in the world right now. Yes, it is like horrible that the police are killing black people or just killing black people in general.

But there is also something, a past hurt that is actually triggered here. And so it's important to kind of dig deep and understand where that is coming from and where if you are a black person, you felt, you know, not valued, not seen, not worthy. Right. Because that's what this is bringing up for you. Yes, the murder is horrible, but the aftermath of people not being able to acknowledge that is something that I think really hurts people much more. And it's like so much salt to the wound. And so that's why I'm bringing this up because if we can, we can think about those things, those moments where you felt like not being valued, then we can start to heal it, right? So that's the first step. Discover what the truth is when it comes to your pain. Because.

Someone at work that's not inviting you to a meeting might trigger something to you, right, that is actually really not about being invited to a meeting, but something much deeper that hasn't really been addressed in your life. And so, again, these are the things that we do in the program to understand what those things are so we understand exactly what the core of your pain is so that we can heal it, right? The second part, after discovering your truth, is all about taking action based on that truth, right? So it's work, right, to understand exactly what that truth is and going into your life and dissecting exactly those moments that really stuck out that really had a huge effect on you to make you understand.

Why you are triggered in the way that you are. So for me, right, when I start to feel not valued, right, Some of the issues that I was going through as I was navigating, what was happening last week in the US Was this feeling of not being heard, right? Not being seen.

And a lot of that was about, you know, how I grew up.

How I wasn't recognized for the accomplishments that I had. So, for example, I went to this all white school in elementary school, and in fourth grade, I won the spelling bee and.

Sorry, the Instagram went a little crazy.

Well, I won the spelling bee in fourth grade and I was supposed to go to this district championship of spelling bees, and the principal accidentally didn't tell me when that was going to be. And it just happened without me, right? So it's those moments that start to get triggered up because.

It's, again, not feeling seen, not feeling heard. And it's hurtful, it's painful. So really taking action based on the truth. So those truths can be, like I was saying before, focusing on what's happened in your childhood and, you know, framing the story differently so that you feel good about it, right? Old relationships, being able to understand what they were and what patterns you're developing well, as your relationship with yourself, right? So there are a variety of different exercises.

Completion ceremonies, you know, releasing ceremonies, forgiveness ceremonies to help you heal those things. But it takes work to really look into your life to figure out what those things are.

Because what's happened in your old relationships, a lot of women think what happened in the relationship is really what needs to be healed, but it's really something else.

So once you're very clear on that, we can actually be able to take true Action that's going to have a huge effect.

The last thing that I want to leave you with is really about when you're healing your heart. It's about discovering the truth. It's about taking action based on the truth, and it's about the actual results setting you free. Because that's when the healing actually begins.

You know you've healed when you can get to a place where you're in your mind, you know that the other person did the best that they can, and you are not personalizing it or internalizing it.

So if you're at that place right now, then you know that you probably healed from that. If you still have drama and you're still blaming yourself or other people about a situation sis you're not healed from.

Means you have to do more work. And so it means we have to dig and discover what that truth is. Whether it's a past relationship, something going on with yourself or your childhood. Okay, so just to kind of summarize what I was saying.

The things that are hurting you or hindering your healing process are this notion that you don't have to feel bad, that you can replace the loss by, you know, there are other men out there, there are plenty of fish in the sea that you have to grieve alone. No, you don't. You need to let people know how you're feeling because it humanizes you and it also gives people the opportunity to be there for you. Right? This lie that time heals all wounds, it doesn't actually doing the work heals the wounds. Time doesn't. Remember my analogy about the flat tire, right? You can continue to go on a flat tire, it's just gonna. It's gonna make you get to your destination slower. The other thing that I mentioned was about this notion that you have to be strong, right? Especially for my women of color and black women, right? This notion that you gotta be strong and you gotta be superwoman and you gotta ignore your feelings. You have a choice. You can be strong or you can be human. It's up to you. I'm encouraging you as your relationship coach to be human because I think that you're gonna be more in touch with your feelings if you do that. And then finally, what's hindering is also this notion that you gotta stay busy and keep busy because that's just an illusion of your well being and that's not serving you, I'm pretty sure.

The other thing that I want to remind you of, what we talked about was your sturbs, right? Your short Term energy relieving behaviors. Make sure that you're truly understanding the things that you're doing and if they're actually masking a pain or it's true kind of self care, right? You know, there are women in my family that when something goes wrong, they hit the mall, they want to shop, right? They want to buy things.

Instead of actually start the healing process of what's going on. So, you know, those stirrups for you can be food, alcohol, drugs, anger, exercise, sex, workaholism, shopping. Make sure that you're being super clear about what that is for you and truly thinking about whether that's serving you or hindering you from healing. And then finally, to really get to your healing process and safe place. Three steps. I want you to discover the truth for what it is, that whatever current pain you're having is really based on a past pain or a past hurt. So you have to dig deep to understand what that is. Secondly, I want you to take action based on that truth, right? Doing the work to really start to solve, resolve, heal, forgive, complete and release it. And then thirdly, that's when the healing starts to begin where you can get to a place where you realize that it's not about you. Because when you're able to discover your truth, then you'll be able to understand that whatever's happening in the other person's life is based on a past hurt and a past pain that they've been going through. And that can give you more compassion, not just for yourself, but for the other person, which helps your healing process. Okay? So I hope that that was helpful. If you have any questions, please let me know. I know a lot of women say, you know, I'm working on myself right now. I'm pretty sure a lot of women don't know exactly what that is. So if you do want help in healing your heart so that you can open up your heart space for your future man, boyfriend, husband, whatever you choose to have in your life because you truly have full control over your entire love life.

Reach out to me. You can DM me, PM me in my Facebook group or on my Instagram and let me know. You can say healmyheart so I understand where, what you want to talk about and how I can potentially help you do that and help you.

Get your guy and find the love that you truly deserve and need. I think it's important. I think that everyone deserves to have love in their life and to find their person so that they can thrive and live their best life. So I'm hoping that this was helpful for you. Let me know if you have any questions. If we don't have any questions, then we'll bid adieu.

Alrighty. Well, thank you so much for attending my live and have a great evening. Be well, be safe. Much love. Bye.

It.