Healthy Masculine Energy

Hello, hello, hello everyone. I hope you're doing well.

Happy Tuesday. Tea to you. For those that don't know me, my name is Anmar White. I am the CEO and founder of get yout Guy Coaching. And I help high achieving, amazing women get into the best relationships of their life by dating strategically and being able to meet high quality men. So if you are on this live and if you want to understand healthy masculine energy, you should stay on because I'm going to talk about that tonight. Why am I going to talk about healthy masculine energy? Hello, hello, hello everyone. That's coming on. Good to see you all. I'm going to be talking about healthy masculine energy tonight. Why? Because so many women that I talk to don't know what that looks like and are confused by what they think is like masculine energy, but it's really just toxicity.

So in the comments, let me know what you think like healthy masculine energy is. Because what I hear from a lot of different women is.

Men are supposed to come up to us and talk to us and approach us and touch us and they should be planning the dates, they should be doing this and doing that. And oftentimes that might not be what the true like healthy masculine energy is all about. And so I want to make sure that when you are evaluating like masculine energy that you have a good understanding of what's healthy and what's not. Right. Why are we talking about this? We're talking about this because.

There are a lot of women out there that have a problem identifying the health of the masculine energy that surrounds them. And one of the reasons why that's the case is because of the way that you may have experienced.

Masculine energy in the past. So let me know in the comments if like how you experienced your father. Right. And I'm going to just throw out a couple of different things because I have consultations all the time. And one of the things that I hear a lot about how women experience their fathers is.

He was physically absent, meaning he either was working a lot and wasn't home a lot or he left the home. And you were brought up and raised in a single family household, single parent household, or by a single mother. So physical absence. Right.

That's not healthy masculine energy.

The other thing that I want to offer to you is that another thing that I hear is that he was emotionally unavailable. So he would.

Work, come home, but he wasn't actually there to give you the attention that you needed from more of an emotional place. So like you couldn't be upset, you couldn't be Sad, couldn't be too happy. You couldn't have all of these emotions because he wasn't there to hold that space for you. Right. And maybe because he didn't have the capability to do that. But this is important for us to get clear and have awareness about if we're going to get clear about the foundations and the definitions of that, what we have in terms of masculine energy. Yeah. So he was either physically absent or he was emotionally absent. We also have fathers out there that were ragers. Rageaholics that went from zero to a hundred. Like that girl, I couldn't even snap, take my gay card away. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. So if you had a rager that went from 0 to 100 and that your job was just trying to keep the peace. Right. And not get hurt, then your definition of what masculine energy may look like or feel like could feel dangerous or an opportunity where you have to keep the peace around you. Let me know if that is the case for you. In the chat, someone saying, my dad provided everything, but would come and go often and is still emotionally unavailable. I would cry and he would buy me stuff or give me money. Girl, you beat me to the punch. The next one that I was going to say was, he just gave me material things. And a lot of men do this to compensate for their emotional unavailability.

But the foundation of that is.

I expect my man to pay for everything, and that's how he needs to show me love. Right. Because my dad did it. So that's what love is. And oftentimes that's not what love is. Right. So something for us to think about. Okay. So we talked about four major things. Whether it was physical absence, whether it was emotional unavailability, whether it was using money as a tool to try to make you feel better, manipulate and. Or control. And then we also had, like, emotional dysregulation from our fathers. Right. This is what it's like, really important. And with that dysregulation, I also. The subset of that is like any sort of drugs or alcoholism that's involved with that, because that messes with your emotions and your ability to kind of think rationally. Right. And so your emotions are all over the place. So that's like another category, but also kind of like a sub. Subcategory of emotional dysregulation and anger raging quite a bit. Right. Those are the things that I often hear about when it comes to experiences with our fathers. Right. This is like. This is important because.

If that is your foundation of masculine energy, Then you will seek those things out in your adult romantic relationships, because those things feel familiar. And our brains will trick us into thinking that, oh, he's doing what my dad did. And because my dad is my dad, he loves me. So that's what love looks like and feels like from the masculine energy. So we will seek that out. We will seek. And we will not just seek, but we will excuse that behavior because we think that is what it looks like. Let me know in the comments if you've done that before.

Right. My dad, you know, abandoned me when I was 8 years old. And so that physical absence was something that I expected from men that I was like, that's what they do. That's kind of something to expect. Right. But that's not it. Right. Those things that our fathers do.

Even though they have a really big influence on how we think about masculine energy and love coming from the masculine energy, if it's not fully serving you, you have got to deprogram that and reprogram another way of being loved from the masculine energy. And that's what I do in my program. I mean, that's my work. My work is helping you completely forget everything that you learned about when it comes to love, dating, relationships, and men, and come up with new solutions and new processes to help you find things that ultimately serve you and make you feel good and happy.

Don't worry about that. Pause, y'. All. That was my mom.

Okay, so we talked about some of these core pillars in terms of some of the not so great masculine traits or energy that you may have experienced. So let's talk about what that looks like as an adult. Right? Because in those romantic relationships, what we will see. Let's just start from the courtship, right?

There will be men that will. Let's say you're online dating and they're saying, hey, what's going on? Like, I want to take you out.

And so many of us will think that's amazing. And that's great because he's determined and he's planned and he wants to engage with you. Right. But I want to offer to you that if you are coming from a masculine energy that was physically absent, that's going to feel good to you because he's giving you the attention that you feel like you need. But in reality, it's actually not great. It's not healthy energy, because healthy masculine energy is actually about focusing and making the first priority a woman's happiness, a woman's safety, a woman's security, a woman's comfortability and comfort. So Healthy masculine energy is, hey.

A man in the comments is saying, I think you're wrong.

Anytime a man disagrees with me, I know I'm on the right, right track.

So what I was saying was that.

Healthy masculine energy will actually want to make sure that you're comfortable enough doing that and not assume that you will.

Just go with the flow. He has to actually check in with you. He has to make sure that that's comfortable for you. Right. So many women are conditioned and programmed to think, no, he's a man with the plan and he, he's saying what he wants. I don't care if he's saying what he wants. He's got to check in with you first to let you know that that's okay with you.

That's what this is. You and your feminine energy have to feel good about the things that are happening and if not be able to speak on that, it's the same for when he calls you without actually asking you if that's okay. There are so many women that are going to be starved for attention and for prioritization that they are going to feel that that's a good thing.

But if someone doesn't know you and they're just calling you whenever, that's actually a disrespect of your boundaries.

He actually should be letting you, asking you if it's okay first. Can't just be randomly like walking into somebody's house.

Because that's the equivalent of that. No, you would knock on the door first, you would say, hey, how's it going? Are you there? Or you would call first actually before you would just go on to somebody's house. It's the same in the courtship phase with men calling you. Let me know if you've experienced in the chat guys randomly calling you without consent.

This is what we need to think about.

Right?

That's what we have to think about.

Because.

It'S your happiness, it's your comfort, it's your preference that he should be looking out for.

If that's not happening, then you can't feel safe in that relationship because you won't have a say, you won't have a voice, you won't have power, you'll be a mute.

No voice, no needs, no wants, no desires. Because he's thinking about him and what he wants to do, not what you want to do. And you're just along for the ride, right? Someone's asking, what about texting all day long, non stop. So that's, it's an interesting question because it's really going to depend on where you are in the courtship phase.

If you are, let's say, getting to know each other and he's excited about you, he's probably going to text a lot. It's up to you to set that boundary and say, actually, I had to tell that to one of my clients today. She's really deep entrenched with someone right now. Then they're doing really well. But it's taking up so much of her time. And I had to coach her to set that boundary and let him know, hey, I'm really busy this week, but.

I won't be able to get to your texts all the time, but I'll probably be able to get to them after three or whatever. And that will generally tell men, okay, maybe I should just text her at 3 or later. There are boundaries that are important for you to set in these situations.

Some people are saying many men aren't being taught that way. I know they're not. And that's why 80 to 90% of the men that are out there will not be your guy.

Right. I think it's important for you to know the love and dating statistics before you go out there and get frustrated with these guys that aren't showing up for you or doing just whatever the hell they want to do without consulting you and getting consent from you. Right. You're right. Many men are not being taught this way, but there's about 10% that are, and those are the 10% that we are going to actually engage with. Right. Someone was saying, I thought asking first was a little annoying, but I get it now. You asked for permission to call. Yes, ma'. Am. Yes, ma'. Am. Yes, ma'. Am. And what do I do? What do I tell my clients when they are actually getting setting up? Let's say a phone date. Right? I tell my clients, you give them two specific times that are going to work for you. Hey, I'm so excited to be, you know, to call you or to talk to you. I'm looking forward to talking to you. I'm available tonight at 8pm or tomorrow at 6. Which One Works best for you? Right? And then he's able to choose which one's best for him. Or if both of those don't work, he'll obviously propose a time that works for him. Right. This is letting him know, these are the times that you actually call me. That's it. You can't call me. And if men are calling you without consent, do not answer. They don't know you like that. They don't get to have access to you like that. Right. I don't want you to think that that is something that is healthy, because it is not. Again, we're talking about emotional availability here. And part of emotional availability is also being empathetic and putting yourself in someone else's shoes and seeing how they would receive something that has not been asked. Right. Yeah. Think about it. I know I'm not the only person that gets weirded out when somebody knocks on my door. Yes. I know we're living in civilization, but I'm like, wait, unless you're the Amazon person, what are you doing here?

Right. Yeah. Darlin is saying, wow. Never thought about it like that. This is why we're having this conversation tonight, so we can start having different standards for these men.

Because what you're thinking is healthy, masculine energy can get toxic really fast.

Yeah. Someone said in the chat, I always say, you called out of business. Called out of business hours. Yes. Girl, I love that. The operations were closed. No, I just don't answer. I tell my clients, don't answer and don't respond. Don't do anything, and let him come to you and say, hey, I called you.

Okay, great. I didn't think that we actually agreed upon a time, but I'm more than willing to talk to you at an agreed time, and then you give them the two dates. Right. As a woman, you are the leader of the relationship. You set the pace, and you set the emotional depth. And I don't ever want you to forget that. Right.

Men that are ready for a relationship will always want to make sure that you are taken care of and that you are feeling good about everything. So let's take another step. Let's say we're on a date. Yeah. Oh. Let's say we're trying to figure out where we're gonna go for the date. And he may ask you, hey, what do you feel like? And there are so many women out there that are like, ugh, this guy's not a good guy. This guy's not ambitious. He's not take charge. What I want to offer to you is that he actually is asking you because he wants to make sure that it is something that is pleasing to you that he doesn't want to set up this date at a seafood restaurant, and you hate seafood. He doesn't want to take you out to this thing that you're not going to have fun at.

That's why he's asking. He's not asking because he can't.

Make a decision. As humans we make 60,000 decisions a day. Right. It's not about these men not being able to make decisions, because that's what they do all day, every day. They're doing that because they want to make sure that you're gonna have the best time possible.

So instead of getting mad, who gets upset when that happens? Give me an emoji in the chat. Who gets upset when a man says, hey, what are you feeling? Like, what would you like to do?

Because what I want to offer to you is that that's healthy, masculine energy that's checking in with you, figuring out what you want, and then afterward making it happen.

Right? And what do we do? I'm going to give you some tea, some advice of when that happens. What do we do when he says, hey, what do you want to do? This is what we do. We give him two options that would go really like. That we would like. Right? Which is. Oh, first, thank you for asking.

I'm feeling like, either sushi or Mexican tonight.

What do you think about one of those options? And then he can choose, oh, yeah, no problem. Let's do sushi then. We're maximizing the pleasure for both individuals versus just saying, yeah, I want to do sushi tonight. Well, what if he fucking hates sushi.

Right? No, just, like, we give him two times. We give him two options.

Okay. Yeah. And we go from there.

Okay, so let's move on. Let's say we're on the date now, right? There are a lot of women out there that, like, are.

Want men at the end of the date to make a move in the chat. Ladies, let me know. Are you someone who's like, dude, make a move. Like, kiss me. Do something.

Who's like that? Because I know that there are so many of my clients that are like, well, he didn't make a move, so I don't really. One, I don't know if he's interested. Two, I don't know if he has the assertiveness that I'm looking for, that I feel is protection, but really isn't. Some people are saying they don't want to kiss him. I don't want his spit. Okay, girl, someone's saying, not on the first date. No, not on the first date. Yeah.

Here'S a lot of people are saying, not on the first date, girl. If you're feeling him and he's hot, you're gonna want it on the first date. You're gonna want a kiss from him. And things are flowing. And I say that because most of my clients are only Dating high quality men when they're physically dating men. So I hear this all the time. So I want you to think about a guy that you are vibing with that is attractive, that you've had great conversation with. I'm like nine times out of ten, sure that you're probably gonna want something to happen.

Yeah. Yeah, Right. Caramel coco saying, if I like him, that's me. Let's assume that you like him. Because most of my clients are going out with men that they actually like.

Yeah. Another one, another person is saying, I like when they respect my personal spirit face.

This is exactly what healthy masculine is going to do. He's going to be overly respectful of your boundaries. And he probably really won't make a move like that on the 1st and maybe the second date. So if you have men that are touching you, making moves on you and assuming that that is a. Okay. Because that's what they want and they're not thinking about you.

I'm not loving that.

And look, girl, I'm not a prude, honey. I'm the boy who is kissing six, seven people up in the club, right? That's not like a girl loves her kissing. But I'm also the coach that is getting people into relationships every week. And I know what it looks like. I know what the healthy courtship and dating looks like.

And one conversation that I have to have with so many of my clients is, he hasn't really made a move yet. Why? Because he's being overly respectful of your boundaries. And in the healthy masculine energy, that's what should happen. He should be revering you, not thinking that you're a piece of meat that he can just do whatever he wants with and objectify you.

Now, there's a difference between the action and the words, right? If he's complimenting you, if he's saying, oh my God, I'm having such a great time, I want to see you again, all of that, that's different. But the physical act of acting on you, right, That's a lot.

And I think that women get conditioned through Disney, through rom coms, through movies and media to think that that's acceptable. But let me know in the comments. Y', all, I'm pretty sure that many of you have been in a situation where some guy randomly kissed you and it felt.

Assaulty. I didn't want to that. But he did it anyway, right? A guy in his healthy masculine energy would never want a woman or someone in their divine feminine energy to ever feel that way.

Because he's thinking about that. But a toxic masculine energy person is not. He's going to do without thinking. Yeah. Something to think about as you are going through the courtship phase. Yeah. Whereas before, you might think, oh, he's into me. Right. Because he's doing that. No, girl, he's into you when he's not doing that because he's respecting your boundaries and he wants to make sure that you are as comfortable as possible.

Yeah, I know. I'm saying everything that is completely different than maybe what you have thought or what you have been taught. And so if that's the case.

Put it in the chat. I want to know. Because so many women are going about this in a way that doesn't fully serve them. And it's not a cute look. Right?

Yeah.

Someone is saying, a man making a move too soon is a red flag for me. Sexualizing too early on. Totally. Someone else is saying, I had a guy tell me he wanted to go to his place for wine instead of the restaurant. Instant blah. Totally, totally. That's right. Okay. So can you see how.

We may think that things are healthy masculine energy in this courtship phase, but maybe it's not?

Can you see how we can be tricked or programmed or conditioned to think that.

That is.

Really, really, really important as you are in your courtship phase, as you are evaluating these men. I was just on the phone with someone, a consultation, and she was saying.

Yeah, the guy put a location and said, meet me at 8 here.

But do I want to go?

But do I.

Did I say I wanted to go to that place? Is that going to be a good place for me? I was like, girl, if I were your coach, I would tell you, no, we're not moving forward with him. That's a lot.

Someone is saying it's such a fine line because they're nice while they're tricking you.

I think sometimes they're resolute and we think they are, like, very determined and assertive sometimes. And we can think that that is, like, very confident because he's so confident. Then sometimes we can think, oh, he's confident. Because this is something that's normal, that's expected.

Doesn'T have to be expected with you, especially if you're not feeling 100% comfortable doing that. I want to make sure that you're having a say in anything and everything that you do in your dating life. And if you feel compelled, if you feel pressured to do anything, it's a no for me, dog. It's a no for me. Right. They get to be nice, but that means you get to set your boundaries about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. And I want to encourage you to do that. People. The other thing that I want to share with you in terms of the healthy masculine and the toxic masculine energy, is that for you to really determine this, it's. You have to do two things. And these are the two things that so many women actually do not do. The first thing is you gotta be vulnerable with him. You gotta share parts of yourself with him. You know why? Because.

When you're sharing your vulnerability, and when I say vulnerability, I'm not just talking about, oh, this happened to me, but sharing your feelings about what's happened to you. We got to see what he does.

The healthy masculine energy is going to. His protector is going to be activated and he's going to flip a switch and he's going to be wanting to protect you and make sure you're okay. Even if something happened a long time ago. He's going to be like, hey, I'm sorry that happened. Are you okay? Like, what's going on? The unhealthy masculine or the toxic, he's not going to have that emotional capability. So he's either going to dismiss your feelings. Oh, well, you're strong now. You're good now. I'm sure that didn't get you down.

He's going to dismiss your feelings, invalidate them, or he's going to ignore what you said and bring up a new subject. Or he's going to talk about himself because he knows how to talk about himself and he knows how to redirect from something that is intimate. Right. The healthy masculine is going to want to protect you when you're being vulnerable. Right. And the other thing, the second thing that I'm talking about is setting your boundaries. Yeah, setting your boundaries.

Hey, thank you. You know, thank you so much for calling, but I would prefer if we called on the agreed upon time.

Hey, it makes me feel really, I'm. I feel more comfortable when.

You know, we. We come up with a place to go together. Right. Instead of you choosing it by yourself.

Right. We gotta see the response of the boundary. If he gets upset that you're setting a boundary, that's toxic, that's unhealthy masculine energy. That's him wanting to do what he wants to do and that's it. Playing solo in this interaction, courtship, relationship.

But if he's like, oh, no, no, no problem. Like what? What would you like to do? I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you felt that way. Or I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. That's the healthy masculine energy. Let me know what I can do to make it better. Because your job, if you choose to be in your feminine energy, is.

To share and make requests about what you like, what you don't like, what you want, what you don't want. That's it. That's why vulnerability and boundaries are everything in dating and in relationships. And his job, in his healthy masculine energy, right. Is to understand that.

Make and do and act and problem solve with you in mind if it's not something that you want to do. His job is to figure out what can we do based on the fact she doesn't want to do this. And then his job is to do it, to make it happen to make you feel better.

That's why part of my work is always making sure that my clients know exactly how they're feeling. Because when they know how they're feeling, they're able to communicate that with their man, and then their man can make it better, can do and act and problem solve all the things that need to happen for you to have your maximum pleasure and happiness.

That's the healthy masculine energy.

Yeah, I know. It sounds so different than some of those other male dating coaches that are telling you that you need to put. Put on a red dress and red lipstick and just be sexy.

And not have opinions. That might have been cute in the 1960s and 70s, but in 2022, when women are graduating at a higher rate, when women are climbing the corporate ladder, they can do for themselves.

You can do for yourself. You don't need a man's money to do for you. Right? So any sort of money that they're throwing at you isn't necessary because you have your own. And if that's the case, what do you need? You need the emotional, healthy, respectable masculine energy in your life. That's why we're talking about this healthy masculine energy in 2022. Look, there are going to be men out there that are going to be in their toxic masculine energy, and they're going to find women that have no boundaries. They're going to pounce on them and take them for what they have. If you think about your experiences, if you think about your friends experiences, all of that, you'll know that I'm telling the truth. But those situations don't last a long time.

Because either he gets bored of you because you have no boundaries, you don't say anything, and after a while, the challenge is over. Or you will come to your senses and Be like, oh, this guy actually doesn't give a shit about me. Yeah.

Yeah. So someone in the comments is asking, will we run him off by asking him to call at a specific time, you will run off the toxic masculine energy because he doesn't give a shit about you and what you want.

And if he runs off, he's not your guy.

And guess what, girl? We don't need to care if we're running people off or not. This is about what makes you comfortable and this is about setting healthy boundaries.

This isn't about who we run off.

This is about who serves us and like, meets us. Where we're at. That's what we need to be focused on. Yeah.

Yeah. In the comments, my girl, Ms. Jasmine saying, no, I don't think so. If he can't respect your time, your boundaries, it's not a match. You are out of alignment. It is not a match. And guess what, 90% of these guys, 95% of these guys will not be a match. Like 90, 95% of them, you won't even actually like physically go out with them more than once.

But I want you to be thinking about the things that you will need to consider when you are evaluating these men.

Right. That's what's important here.

The interesting thing about my clients is that you would think, oh my God, I'm working with a dating coach and that means that I'm just going to go on a ton of dates. No, that's not my philosophy at all. I'm focused on quality and not quantity. So my clients go on a date once every two to three weeks. Physical date, not two, three, four times a week because they're only going out with the highest quality men.

And what I know for sure is in my program and how I teach my clients how to date, one out of every six guys that they physically go out on a date with will be someone that they will deeply connect with and potentially have a long term relationship with.

Outside of my program, that number is more like 1 out of 10. 1 out of 12. Right. So ladies.

If you are going on a date once a month, you may find your guy in a year.

Most of my clients find their guy in month three and month four of my sex six month program. Because every two to three weeks they're finding a guy and multiply that times six and you got the math.

Now, I hope this was helpful and has challenged you to think about this a little bit differently in terms of your foundational definition of masculine energy.

And how we need to be thinking about it now as you are dating. Right. That's so important.

If this has resonated with you, let me know what your biggest takeaway is in the chat, because I want to make sure that this has been beneficial for you and helpful for you as you start to navigate your dating life. If you feel like, oh, this is really helpful, I want more of this. I want to encourage you to apply for a consultation with me, and we can talk about your love life a bit, and I can see if it's a really good fit to be in my program. I only work with about 20 to 25 women at a time, so I don't work with everybody. I work with women that are coachable, that are looking for.

To actually attain their love goals this year and are making this a priority in their lives. That's who I'm looking to work with because I know that if that's the case, we're gonna get it done for you. Yeah, that's what it's about. Okay. Some of the takeaways I'm seeing boundaries and calling and setting dates. Another person is saying, boundaries need to be clear and specific to what makes me feel comfortable. Yes. Yes, ma'. Am. Someone else is saying, very helpful. I've struggled with setting boundaries with men, and I see how it helps to weed out the wrong man. Girl, it's everything. It's absolutely everything. I think those are such good takeaways. Right. And I'm so glad that, you know, the boundaries have really kind of resonated with so many of you because.

You'Ve got to have tremendous boundaries if you're dating and dating successfully. Right. Without it, you'll get stuck in situationships.

Right. And if you feel like you don't know if you need help and boundaries, if you've ever been in a situationship.