How to Stop Attracting Toxic and Narcissistic Men!

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, everyone. I hope you're doing well today. It's good to see you. So I wanted to talk a little bit about an interesting belief that I hear so many of you know, the women that I talk to on my consultations talk about. Because.

What I know for sure is so many women actually stay with are with.

Toxic and narcissistic men. And so many times they're coming to me and they're saying, yeah, it's not that I'm attracting these men, it's that I'm choosing them. Right. And I want to talk a little bit about that because actually it's not about the choice. It's not about choosing these men. Right. It's actually about being the kinds of women that these men will actually go for. Right. And this is not me, like, victim blaming at all. If anyone knows me, knows that that's not my ML. But I want to keep it 100% real with you about there are things that you can do to not attract toxic and narcissistic men. And it's not about choosing them or not choosing them. Right. It's actually about being the woman that actually is, like, unattractive to them. Right. That is so like outside of their.

Realm, their environment.

Yeah. This is a hard truth to accept. This is about being the woman that is not even in the stratosphere of these toxic and narcissistic men. So I wanted to go through a couple of examples that I think might help you as you're thinking about, well, what can I do? Who can I become so that I'm not, like, you know, involved with these men? And, and what can I do when I'm engaging with these men so that I can be successful in this, in this love journey? Right.

I had a post yesterday a little bit about this, but I wanted to expand upon it because I think it really hit a nerve for so many women out there. And I wanted to give you a little bit of a better understanding and delve deeper into what I meant by the three things that really attract narcissistic men. Right. And toxic men. So the first thing that I want to talk about, and these are things that you can work on on your own before you get into a relationship. Right. I want to be really clear about this. Your single season is not a season for you to feel sorry for yourself or feel like you're a failure. It's actually an opportunity for you to work on the things that. So that you can be prepared for the best relationship of your life. If you so choose to pursue that. Right. It's possible for you. But I do think, and a lot of dating coaches are probably not going to say this, that there are things that you're going to need to work on and you're going to have to become a different. You're going to have to show up differently. You're not. You don't have to change yourself, who you are, like, inherently, innately. But what you will have to do is show up differently. Okay. This is very important distinction. I think so many people think, if I have to change, then I don't want to do this. Take me or leave me. No, girl, you are going to have to change.

But change in a way that's going to make you feel good about yourself. That's going to make you feel empowered, right? Feel like you have more power and control in your life. This is important. This is so critical for your love journey. Okay, so let's talk about these things. The first thing I want to talk about is procrastination. So in the chat, let me know if you procrastinate. If you do things like at the last second, at the last moment, right? Whether it's professional work, whether it's those that. Those errands that admin that you need to do that you keep on putting off, if it's that thing you gotta fix in your apartment or your house, right. Or something on your car that just keeps on going and you keep on. You're not getting it done, or you know you're gonna get it done, but you're gonna get it done at the last minute, right?

Why do we do that?

Why do we do that?

We do that because.

It feels like it's hard. That it's actually. And that difficulty feels scary to us. And that fear controls us and it paralyzes us to the point where we don't do it until we absolutely have to. So I'll give you the example of the car. We know that something's wrong with it, but we actually won't get it fixed until it breaks down on us, until we absolutely have to do it. This looks like when you're in school and you leave your essay to the last day and then you actually start on it at 11pm at night and it's due the next morning at 8am and you're up all night long and you get it done at 4 or 5am and then the rest of your day is already smashed and you're a mess. Right? Here's what I know about procrastination and here's why it's dangerous. Like I said before, this is about how you allow fear to control you and paralyze you. A toxic and narcissistic man will see that, see that you're doing things at the last minute and know she's easily controlled by fear. So if I instill fear in her, she won't do anything. She will stay to the very last moment until she can't anymore. Does that make sense? Let me know in the comments if that makes sense to you. That you are already putting so much fear into your own life that he actually doesn't have to put too much fear into you. He just has to encourage the fear that you already have inside of you. So he's going to be looking for that, Right? Where's the opportunity here? The opportunity is about understanding that you have to do things in a timely manner. Right. They say self discipline equals self love. Another reason why he's going to be observing this and looking at this is because he's going to realize that your life is not in order. Right. And what does that mean for a narcissist and a toxic person? It means that he can come in and be your knight in shining armor. All he has to do is do a few things to help you feel like your life is easier. Right. If you're doing things at the last moment and he does that thing without being told or does it before you would do it in your mind, you're going to think, oh my God, this guy is so valuable.

Right? He's gonna see, oh, she doesn't do these things. She didn't get these things done. I'll do that so that she feels like she, she needs me. Has anyone been in a relationship where there's been that power dynamic of oh my God, I feel like I need him, that's what he's doing here. And he's doing this based on the way that you're getting things done or not. Right.

What's the opportunity here?

Yeah, I'm getting a lot of people that are getting. Are shocked in the comments. Right. The opportunity is that we've got to have confidence in ourselves. Confidence to know that we will be able to get anything and everything done that we need to get done. So this is a confidence issue. I want to just reiterate. You can do it all. You're making a choice not to. And if you can make a choice not to, you can also make a choice to do.

Right? This is important. This is important. Why? Well, when I think about confidence and when I think about procrastination, the one thing that I want you to also think about is being the way that you're motivated. Right. What do I mean by that? I mean that there's a difference between intrinsic motivation, being motivated internally and extrinsic. I can't say the words right now, but basically external motivation, right? If you're procrastinating, I'm 100% sure that you are motivated by other people more so than yourself. Right? That's a problem. Because the way that that translates into your relationship is that you're going to make the other person number one and you're going to be number two. You're going to prioritize his feelings, his wants, his needs, his desires and yours will go into the shitter in the trash can. Right? That's why that's the problem. So the opportunity for you is to learn how to be intrinsically motivated or internally motivated. And there are ways to do that. We work on that in my program. Right. This is important. The other things that I want you to think about is sometimes this is also a worthiness issue. Meaning I don't feel like I'm worthy enough to get these things done in a timely manner. Like I said before, self discipline equals self love. So when you. This is important to realize because.

He'S also going to realize that, oh, she doesn't, she doesn't think she's worthy enough to get these things done, to have her life in order. Right. Target, pray. And I'm not saying that all men are like this, but I think that there are a lot of narcissism and toxicity is based on trauma. We have a lot of men going through a lot of trauma, Right. I'm talking to you about this not to scare you, but to open your eyes and to actually create a level of safety around what, how you are navigating your love life, right? So when I talk about procrastination, right. That's something that you can work on as you're single so that when you get into your relationship and you will.

You'Re going to be prepared, you're Going to rock it the hell out, right? Because you're getting your life together. People are always like, yeah, I'm focusing on me. I'm doing me. And then they're like doing all of these hobbies and doing all this self care, like mani pedis and all of that. No, no, girl, work on your procrastination.

Make sure that what, when something is due next Monday, you're getting it done on this Thursday or Friday instead of Sunday night. That's something that you can do to help you get ready for your next best relationship. Because I'm in the business of getting you into your best and forever relationship, not into any old relationship. You could literally lower your standards today and get into a relationship tomorrow. That's not what this is about. This is about becoming the woman that is ready for the best relationship of her life. Right? Procrastination. Out, honey. Out, honey.

All right, so we talked about procrastination. Now what I want to do is I want to talk about avoidance. How we avoid things. Who avoids things? Please, in the chat, let me know, are you an avoider? What do I mean by this? I'm talking about.

Instead, let's say you have a disagreement with your mom or with a friend. Instead of talking about it, you keep it to yourself.

You don't speak on it.

Something happens, you don't say anything. You hide it, right?

That's dangerous.

That's very, very dangerous. And I get it. Right? I get it. A lot of us, especially if you're raised in a black or brown household, didn't have the agency to be able to speak our truths. We weren't able to say, actually, no, I don't want this.

No, I don't want to eat all my food. No, I don't want to do that. Who had that experience?

I always say that you enter your adult romantic relationships as the little girl that you are.

So if you weren't able to do that when you were growing up, you're not going to be able to do it in your adult relationships.

My experience tells me, right, in general.

Why does this happen? It happens because when you're growing up, it doesn't feel safe to do that. You might have gotten spanked or whooped. If you were disrespectful or talked back even though you were just sharing how you felt.

You might have gotten yelled at. You might have had a rager father whose anger was overwhelming. And so to keep the peace, you shut your mouth.

You said nothing.

What does that do?

What you are training and being programmed to do is to.

Accept harm, danger, hurt, abuse, and not say anything about it.

That's what that does. I'm telling you this because I think it's important to make the connection in terms of where this comes from. Right. It is so important to learn how to do this another way. And it's so scary to do this. It's really, really scary to do this.

But you have to. If you want to get into the best relationship of your life, you're gonna have to stop avoiding and start setting healthy, confident boundaries. Some people hear me say, stop avoiding, and they think I'm gonna speak on everything and I'm gonna tell somebody about themselves. That's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying we have to heal some of those triggers that make you want to shut your mouth when something happens to you. And then we have to learn how to identify how we're feeling and then be vulnerable enough and confident enough to speak our truth to the other person. That's hard if you haven't done that for most of your life.

Right. That's very difficult.

But it's possible. And I want to let you know that. Why is this dangerous? Why is you being an avoider? You not saying something when someone does you wrong or not. Even if somebody does you wrong, if you feel like they've done you wrong. Because a narcissist and a toxic person will see that you don't say anything. You don't set boundaries, you don't defend yourself and know that I can walk all over her.

And guess what? She's not going to say a damn thing about it.

Scary. I don't want you to be in that position. Who avoids confrontation, who avoids boundaries, who avoids vulnerability.

This is literally the things that we work on in my program, and we're not just talking about it. I'm telling you that you've got to have to. You do certain things every week so that you are in the practice of actually being amazing at these things.

Okay.

All right. We've spoken about procrastination. We've spoken about avoidance. Now I want to talk about follow through. I want to talk about follow through. Why do I want to talk about follow through? In any relationship, trust and credibility is everything.

So when you say that you're going to do something, you have to do it. If you say, I'm going to call, you got to call me. If you say, I'm gonna take care of that, you need to take care of that.

Being a woman of integrity and being a woman of your word, is absolutely everything in a relationship.

Why?

Because if you say something and you don't follow through on it, he knows that you don't think highly of yourself. He knows that you don't have integrity. And he also knows that you're not a viable partner. But he's not going to take you seriously because your credibility is shot if you say something and you don't do it.

What he believes is that you don't love yourself. Let me give you an example of this. If you're constantly late.

Let'S follow through. I'm going to be there at 1 and you roll in at 1:30 and you give all of these huge apologies. Oh, I'm so sorry. Da, da, da. No, no one cares about your apologies for being late. You're late. You said you were going to do. You said you were going to be here and you weren't here. And most of the time we might not message beforehand.

I'm calling all of these things out because I want you to know that these things that you don't think are important can and also are hurting your love life.

Right. You won't be hearing about these things from another dating coach.

But I think it's important to be working on yourself while you're single so you can kill it in the relationship. Yeah. I think that this is like so important because I don't want you to be in those toxic and narcissistic relationships anymore. I talk to women every day, I have consultations every day. And I continue to hear, this guy was narcissistic. Right. I stayed in it way too long. Yeah. And it's gonna hurt your personal life too. Right.

I think it's important to realize that if you don't do what you say, what you're gonna do. What that tells him is that he can also say something and not follow through with it because you do the damn. The same damn thing. So when you tell me he's horrible, he doesn't do this for me, he doesn't do that. He's not showing up, he's not consistent.

Oftentimes he might actually just look at your inconsistency and say, she thinks that's acceptable. So I can do it too. Am I saying that you have to be perfect? No. What I am saying though is that in this sort of opportunity, when you say something, do it. If you can't do it, let people know you can't do it. Right. I'm sorry, I'm not going to make that one o' clock meeting. I'm running about 15 minutes, maybe even 30 minutes late.

It's as simple as that. That's what it requires, right?

Again, I want to clarify if these things are a part of your life, these are things that you can work on while you are single.

Doesn't mean you're a horrible person. No one is perfect. We are all human.

But I want to give you some things to point you in the right direction about what the work looks like beyond the healing work that needs to happen, about your experiences in your life. Right. But like some things, some everyday things that you can work on that will help you tremendously in your love life, in dating and in relationships. It's. It's a game changer, right?

It really is.

So we talked about procrastination, right. And how that is really based in fear. We talked about avoidance, which is based in trauma. Right. We talked about follow through which will actually create a limit of how he is going to show up for you based on how much follow through that you have with yourself.

These are all very important things and I want to make sure that we are focusing on them as we are in our singledom. Right. It's a beautiful time to really kind of engage in these things and be really intentional about them in baby steps. This is what we do in my program at the very beginning right now. For the last month my clients have been working on vulnerability and having the best dates of their lives and dating high quality men because they have been working on showing up, being accountable, not avoiding. This is exactly why I'm connected with all of my clients via text or via voxer and I talk with them at least two or three times a week so we can practice follow through non avoidance and not procrastinating on the work that needs to be done. Right. I don't let my clients fall through the cracks. I don't let them do whatever, do what they used to do.

I raise the standard you've got to come correct and you have to be willing to do the work to do that. Because that's what it takes to get into the most amazing relationship of your life.

I have my own special way and it seems to work really well. Like 85% of the clients that I work with are in amazing relationships around month four, plus or minus a month in my six month program.

Because of it. Because we go hard, we do the work and the work works.

So if you are interested in changing the way that you not just choose but you are change the way that you want to be in love and in relationships and in Dating and around men. Then I want you. I want to invite you to.

Reach out to me. You can reach out to me via DM or you can book a free consultation call with me at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply. It's in my bio as well. It doesn't make any sense for you to continue to do the same things that you've been doing because you're going to get the same results. I want to offer you a new and different way of doing things in a safe environment where you know that you have somebody with you that is going to guide you and hold your hand every step of the way. It can feel really scary to do this love thing on your own. It can feel really overwhelming.

I try to alleviate that by being right next to my clients.

The other reason why I'm so connected with them is because I think it's important for them to get used to asking for help and relying on a man, even if it's me. Don't mind the femme voice and the femme mannerisms. Still a man, but we have to be in practice of that. On a more serious note, I hope this was helpful for you as you think about how to not attract toxic and narcissistic men and.

Giving you some real thoughts, work focus points for you to think about to make sure that that doesn't happen.

All right, my loves. Oh, my God, girl, I almost forgot one last thing, one last tip that I want to offer to you. So here it is. The other thing that I want you to be thinking about when it comes to not attracting narcissists is that you may be actually apologizing way too damn much. Girl.

Why do I say this? So let me give you some examples. So when I say apologizing too much, I'm talking about if someone bumps into you, you say, I'm sorry. Or when you start to express yourself, you say I'm sorry because you think it's too long. Like your words don't matter. They do. Or sometimes, sometimes my clients, I'll reach out to them and they'll get back to me a little bit later and they'll apologize for the length of time that it took for them to get back. No, we don't apologize for that. You have your own calendar and everyone else is on it. So oftentimes we can get into a habit of apologizing way too much. And I don't want apologies from you. I'm not saying don't have any home training. If you do something that harms Another person obviously apologize. But what I want us to be really clear about is when you apologize, you make everything your fault immediately, even when it's not your fault in some of these situations that I've just described. So I want us to be cognizant and aware of that. Why is this important? Because a narcissist and a toxic man will see that and take that and realize she. She's already blaming herself for everything. So I can, too.

He's just going to hop on that blame train, right?

I get it, girl. Oftentimes we've had to apologize in our past to keep the peace, right? To make sure that it wasn't confrontational so that there wasn't drama. Oftentimes that happens when we're growing up, when we feel like.

We don't want arguments or tenseness. The opportunity here is taking up more space, right? This is where we can not have to apologize for these things that really are not your fault. Instead of saying, I'm sorry I'm late, you can say something like, thank you for waiting, right? Instead of saying, I'm sorry that that took a long time for me to express, you can say, thank you so much for listening.

Instead of apologizing for getting back to me late, just say, hey, I was busy doing something, but I have attention for you now. Here's what I think about that, right? We have to be able to change our language and our communication so that we can actually command more respect. This is in your romantic relationships. This can also be in your professional relationships and environment as well. There's no coincidence that so many times I would say, I don't even know. I haven't done the math, but a good number of my clients actually get promotions while they're working with me because they're showing up as a different woman. Right? And so I want to offer to you that I want you to stop apologizing for everything because it's not your fault. And when you make it your fault, you are inviting toxic and narcissistic men to also make everything your fault. And because you've already programmed yourself to believe this, you're going to believe him when he says that this is your fault. So I want to give you a glimpse into that because I think it's. Sometimes we get confused about how we can enter into these relationships and not even know it. We've already been programming ourselves before the relationship, so I want us to be really clear about how we can start working on this outside of the actual relationship. Okay. Awesome. I hope this was good. I will talk with you all soon.

Bye bye.

Hey girl, thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.