How Vulnerable Are You Really? - Get Your Guy Coaching Podcast S1E14

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

Hello, my loves. I hope you're having a really great day today. As you listen to this podcast, I want to talk about your V card and no, not that V card, girl, because you and I both know that you're not a virgin. I'm talking about the other V card that I want you to be punching every day. That's your vulnerability card. It's the thing that is going to make you successful in this love game. So I thought it would be really important for us to delve in deep and talk about that. Now, I want to let you know I am not the queen of vulnerability. I am not Miss Brene Brown, girl. She knows most everything about that. But I do know a little something as well. So I wanted to kind of just impart what I learned and what I know so that you can have the love life that really serves you. You know what I mean? So enough of this playing around because we're doing way too much already on this podcast. I want to talk a little bit about first what vulnerability is and why it's important in relationships. I think vulnerability is really about your willingness to expose yourself to others with the possibility of potentially being judged, rejected, attacked or harmed. And look, it's not easy, but it's necessary if you want to be successful in this love game. Now, the reason why it's important is because if you're going to be successful, you have to show up and you have to bring your entire self to the table and to this love game. There can't be any hiding or ignoring or avoiding because if you do that, that's just going to create a lot of disconnection in a relationship or in a potential partnership. And vulnerability is how you create connection. Also, if you are hiding things from your partner, it's really just like lying with omission, you know? And I'm not about that. I don't think you're about that either. The reason why that doesn't necessarily serve you is because your partner won't be able to help or support you through whatever's going on with you if you hide it. If you're not being vulnerable, and you're sharing, and that's the stuff that really destroys relationships. So let's not do that. Okay?

So obviously, a lot of people have difficulty with vulnerability, and I think it's because of a variety of different reasons. First, vulnerability is hard. We aren't taught how to be vulnerable. I want you to think back to, like, when you were growing up, Was someone telling you how you should share things, how you should feel? No, for the most part, we were told what not to say and what not to feel. I don't know how many times I've heard people say, you know, I grew up with people telling me, stop crying or don't cry or I'm gonna give you something to cry about, or calling people tenderheaded because they actually feel pain, but they weren't supposed to actually express that. And when they did, they were made fun of it or ridiculed. That's not how we teach vulnerability. And unfortunately, we see that a lot, especially in the black community. If you are raised as a black girl and it's so tough because it hurts you in your future. And adult romantic relationships, those are the sorts of things that we hold onto from our childhood, and that's what helped us preserve acceptance from our family. But as an adult, again, it doesn't really serve your love life. Now, I also think that people feel like vulnerability is a weakness. Right. And that if you are vulnerable, that means that people are going to take advantage of you, and they might put you in a position where you might feel powerless. And obviously, no one wants to feel that way. This really hits upon our primal fear of control and any lack of it, and we freak out a little bit. I mean, all of us are trying to control one thing or another, whether it's our environment, whether it's. Whether it is our friends or our family or things at work. We feel safe and secure when things are under our control. And the thing about vulnerability is that being vulnerable, you relinquish a little bit of that control. Not all of it. I think people feel like you relinquish all of it. Not the case. You share, and you open a space where one can potentially not know how someone else is going to react to what you share, what you think, what you feel. So that is another reason why it's hard to do, because it's scary. The other reason why we don't get super vulnerable is because of our primal fear of rejection or of losing someone's love if we were to express something personal. Right? And this goes back to, you know, the caveman days, when if you were rejected from your tribe, that meant that you were banished from your village and from the safety of your community and left to fend for yourself, which equaled death back then. But our brains operate in the same way and think the same way. So rejection is like death for a lot of us, and we're deathly afraid of it.

That's why I think vulnerability is something that is so hard for people to do, and especially black people. Especially women. Especially black women. So when I do these podcasts, I. I always want to give you a few tidbits that you can take home, try on for size, and see what works for you and what doesn't. And I wanted to make sure that I was thinking about ways in which you could try out and just start to activate that vulnerability muscle. And again, these are just small steps to help give you the momentum to continue this vulnerability journey. I think a lot of my clients think that I'm just going to go from 0 to 100, but that doesn't work, girl. And doing this work, you really need to take the small steps to get to your destination. And so I want to offer you a few next steps in terms of your vulnerability journey. Okay, so the first thing that I think that you can do is start sharing more things with your family and your friends. It's interesting when I think about the conversations that I have with my clients. A lot of times they say that they're super close with their friends and their family. But then when I ask them, well, does your family know about this, about your love life or your dating life or this part of your life? I oftentimes the answer is no. And it's surprising to me. And it's because sometimes we're ashamed or ignoring certain things of our lives because we don't want people to judge us. We don't want them to have a bad reputation about us. And this is the same with family and friends, but family and friends should be your safe space. And so I want to encourage you to be sharing more about yourself, share about your love life. I mean, you don't have to go into all details, but you can also just talk about the fact that you are dating or that you're excited to be dating or nervous to be dating, or you're on some apps or whatever, share about some goals that you have. What are your financial goals, what are your health goals, your education goals, your social goals, your friendship goals. So I want you to also be sharing your challenges and also your successes. It's really interesting. I work with some of the most badass bitches in the land and they are not talking about all of the amazing things that they're doing that they've accomplished. And I need you to get really comfortable doing that. Because if you are a woman in a female and male relationship, you're going to have to be self centered. That's how it's been programmed. You have to have the vulnerability to share how you're feeling about yourself, how you're feeling about situations, how you're feeling about the relationship. That's the strength of the feminine energy in a relationship. You have to share it all because if you don't, then the man will not know how to please you. He has no roadmap, girl. It's like driving now without Waze or Google Maps. Where are we going? I don't know. Same for men. If you don't tell them, they won't know. So go on and tell them. Girl. I want to talk about another way that you can start to activate that vulnerability muscle. And one of the ways to do this is really by asking for help. You know, independence is great and I think it's helped us succeed and survive in a variety of different places in our lives. But being able to rely on others and develop that trust, I would say is probably more important than the quality of being independent, especially in our love life. So I want you to ask people to do things for you, right? It's as simple as asking someone to call you or to help you with something around the house, or with your car, or to take a look at your resume, whatever you need. You can only get things when you ask. Oftentimes we don't do that because we've learned through childhood that's not safe, that if I ask for something that I need, that that need is not going to be fulfilled. But I need you to put your little self to the side for a second and realize that you are really asking as an adult. An adult that has her own money, has her own agency, her own independence, can go wherever she wants to at any time. You're not that little girl anymore. Those needs that you asked for as a child, you can fulfill them yourself. So I want you to remember that the last part of activating that vulnerability muscle is accepting compliments. It is so crazy how many times I talk to friends, family, co workers, clients, potential clients, and they can't even accept a compliment. Girl, I'm like, girl, no, you've got to be able to be accepting all of these Things, especially given all of the amazing accolades and accomplishments that you've been able to receive or do. Right. It's so interesting that we don't want to show other people all of ourselves. Accepting compliments and recognizing them, allowing them, receiving them, is another way that you can be vulnerable. So start doing it, girl. Do not reject a compliment ever again.

Good. I also want to talk a little bit about vulnerability in the dating phase, because I get so many questions asking, so when should I be vulnerable, Right? Like, what's too much? What's too little? And the thing about vulnerability, especially with dating, is vulnerability should have a progression. I don't want you telling your life story on the first date. That's not a cute look. And it shows him that you have no boundaries. What I want you to realize is that you don't have to tell your deepest, darkest secrets. You don't have to be asking the deepest questions in the first dates. Even though I have so many clients that think that that's the way it's going to come off as too much, too fast for most men out there, because it takes men a little bit longer to open up and to be vulnerable. And so I want you to be focused on in your first couple of dates just having fun and laughing. I think that's one of the quickest ways that you can get to a place of safety, security, and vulnerability for both parties. It really is a good feeling, and it empowers, I think, both you and the person that you're on a date with and gives them confidence to know that if you were to share something, that it would land in a safe space. Right. You have to have that level of comfortability before we can really get to that vulnerability and that vulnerable place in a real way. Right. Once that's established, we can really start to go down those levels of vulnerability. And there are levels, girl, just like anything in life. It's interesting because when a lot of my clients come to me and they think I'm being vulnerable, I'm like, okay, so what did you do? What did you say? How did you feel? How did you react? Like, yeah, I just told him about my life. I was like, okay, got it. That's good. What else? And that's the general level. That's like the first level of vulnerability. It's what I call circumstance. It is. I'm telling you that something has happened to me, which is great, because then they get a sense of the things that you've been through. But there are other layers of vulnerability that are so much More important and can give them a better sense of who you are. And I think people think that vulnerability means that I have to tell my sob story, right? About the things that I've gone through. No, girl, this is not your homeless to Harvard college essay to get you in with a full scholarship. This is about just talking openly about some of the things that you've gone through and how you think and how you feel about them. So the first level is just the circumstance, what has happened to you. So, for example, for me, it would be, I went to boarding school for high school. The second level of vulnerability is what you think about that experience, how you interpret it. Right? So using that boarding school example, it's, I went to boarding school in high school. And, you know, looking back at it, it was a really instrumental time in my life because I was able to meet so many different people that I probably would have never met before. And I also created this sense of independence that was so necessary for the rest of my life. Those are the thoughts about your experience. Now the person that's listening to me feels more connected. They know a little bit more about me. That's the second level of vulnerability. Now, that third level is about feeling. Right. It's about, how do you feel about some of those thoughts or some of those situations that you were in? So using this boarding school example, I would say something like, when I was at this boarding school, it was great that I had this sense of independence, but one of the things that saddened me a little bit was that I wasn't super close to my family during that time because I lived away from them and I was separate from them. And now I have made it a mission to communicate with them on a regular basis. And I'm FaceTiming them, I'm calling them. So connection and communicating is something that's really important to me based on this experience that I've had because it was so sad and I was homesick, often giving you all of those layers of vulnerability. I'm pretty sure that you know a little bit more about me than you had. If I had just told you that I had gone to boarding school. School, Right? That's the level of vulnerability that I want you to have. Now, am I saying to have this on the first date? Not so much. Again, I want those first couple of dates to be fun, filled with laughter. But after that, I want you to feel comfortable going down these different levels of vulnerability. Try them out for size. Figure out what feels natural and good to you and do that. But I'm encouraging you to be vulnerable. Because I will say this again, and I might be a broken record. In female and male relationships, women or or feminine energy is the energy that creates the vulnerability pool. And men, what will happen is that they'll first dip their toe in it, and then soon enough, after you've been vulnerable, they will share other vulnerable things about themselves and dive into this vulnerability pool with you. And y' all will be squimming together in this vulnerability pool.

So you gotta figure out this vulnerability thing, girl, because if you don't, it's going to be hard for you to create connections with men. Okay, so I want to talk about what vulnerability looks like in a relationship, because I get a lot of messages saying, you're always talking about dating. I'm in a relationship. What does this mean in terms of a relationship? It pretty much means the same thing, right? That you should be feeling that you want to have fun and have laughter with your person. But also the expectation in a relationship is that you're going to have to be vulnerable and initiate this vulnerability. Right. You cannot expect someone to always be asking you about these things. You have to feel comfortable enough to share them and share them willingly. Now, if there is any hesitancy in terms of you sharing this, then you've got to delve deep into like, what's going on there and why you feel a hesitancy, whether it's something that's happened in your childhood or if it's something that is within the relationship that you're having that you don't feel comfortable sharing. If so, we need to communicate that with your partner. And if you don't feel like you can communicate that with your partner, then it's probably time for you to leave that relationship. Okay. And finally, I want to talk about ways that one can create more vulnerability in your relationship. So one of the things that I think is really important is do daily check ins with the people that you love and even yourself. One of the things that I do personally is I go over my highs and my lows of the day, my highlights and my lowlights. I do this with my partner, I do this with my kids, I do this with my clients. And it really gives them the opportunity to express themselves throughout the spectrum of emotions. Good, bad, indifferent, ugly, whatever it may be. What's interesting about doing this and doing it on a regular basis is that soon that partner, that person, will be asking you the same thing. It was really interesting. Every day I pick up my kids from school and I always ask them their highs and their lows. And after day two, day three, they started to ask me about my highs and my lows and I was like, really taken aback because I was like, oh, I wasn't really expecting that. But I, I feel appreciated and I feel seen because you care about how I'm feeling and that has brought us closer together. And I want that same experience for you as well. Using this as a daily or frequent practice is simple and powerful. Here's why I think that this exercise is important. And again, try it on for size. If you can't speak about the everyday, simple, mundane stuff, there's no way that you're going to be able to speak to the heavier, more serious stuff going on with you. So again, this is going to help you practice a little bit. The other thing that I want to offer to you if you're in a relationship is to do or set up monthly or quarterly relationship check ins. They're super important. It gives you the time to think back about your relationship and what's been going well and what's not been going well and the things that you need to improve upon. In your opinion, that's important because there are going to be moments where something has happened and you didn't talk about it at that moment and it's been a while and you don't want to bring it up anymore. And if that does happen, you want to address the situation so that it doesn't continue to happen. And these monthly or quarterly relationship check ins give you the opportunity to do just that in a safe space where both parties know that the relationship is going to be evaluated. All right, girl, that was all things about your daily vcard that you need to be checking in every day and punching. Let me know if you found this valuable. Please Message me at anwargetyourguycoaching.com or send me a message atyourguycoaching on Instagram. I want to know which ones you've used, which specific exercises have helped you, because I'm here to really serve you and make sure that you are living your best love life. That's why I'm here. Like I said earlier in this podcast, I'm going to be giving you things that you can implement every podcast episode in the hope that slowly but surely there are major improvements both internally and externally as it relates to your love and your life. All right, my loves, have a great rest of the day and be well, my vulnerable kittens. Bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Talk soon.