Inner Child Wounds Pt. 1

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

Hello, my loves. I hope you're doing well today. I have a special subject that I wanted to talk about today because it's one of those things that we actually are not taught about. And this podcast is all about talking about the things that aren't really talked about. And so today I want to talk a little bit about inner child wounds. There are quite a number of them, and what I know for sure is that each of us has a couple, if not all of these wounds, but there are some that are more pronounced than others. And to really get to your love goals, you need to be really clear about what your wounds are so that you can heal them. A lot of us are not even putting the band aids on these wounds, thinking that they're going to heal by themselves. And oftentimes they don't. They need a certain level of focus and intention and clarity so that they can be healed. And so the intention of this podcast episode is to really, really delve into them so that you can get clear on them and hopefully heal from them. Now, this is only the first step, right? The next step is for you to either get coaching or to get therapy. I am a huge proponent of therapy. Most of my clients are in therapy while they're working with me. And one of the things that I think about when I, when I think about therapy is it's great. Everyone should be in it. And coaching is an amazing complement to it. So to all my therapists out there, keep doing what you're doing. Much love to you. All right, so let's talk about first, the inner child and what it is. And the way that I think about inner child is first, everyone has an inner child, right? The inner child is really the part in your psyche that still retains its innocence, its creativity, its awe and wonder toward life. Inner child wounds are caused by traumatic experiences, and it doesn't matter how major or minor those experiences are, if they've happened during your childhood. As children, we take everything so personally that it's going to have a huge effect on the way that we think and feel about ourselves and about love and relationships. So Our inner child is a representation of ourselves at multiple points in our childhood. And it's really kind of a level of our subconscious that is constantly dictating to us and trying to get our attention and attempting to act through conscious actions. Right. So I want you to be really clear that these are in the subconscious that are hard for us to actually get to until we do the work. Now, if you were abused, neglected, or experienced any sort of trauma at a young age, connecting with that inner child can really help you heal those wounds. We all have younger parts to ourselves and that are within us with different ages, different experiences, different needs. And your inner child is the youngest and most innocent part of you. And he or she is the truest and most authentic core of your being. Part of the work that I do with my clients is actually tapping into that inner child, because that's really the essence of who you are. And to be able to do this will allow you to really show all parts of yourself when you are dating and when you are in a relationship. So I want to talk a little bit about some signs that your inner child may be wounded. Right. Because I think it's easy for us to actually just dismiss all of this and say, no, I'm good, like, I've dealt with it, I power through it, I'm strong, I'm focused on right here and right now, and that's great. But there still may be signs, and I want us to be super clear about those signs. And then you get to make a decision about whether you're going to engage in this sort of work or not. Right. So one of the signs that I think is really important is if you have a weak sense of yourself. And when I say this, I mean that if you were taught as a child to prioritize others happiness and comfort above your own, you likely picked up that habit of changing your personality depending on who you were with. Now, while it served as, you know, a survival technique in your early life to modify your personality and be bigger or smaller based on who you are around as an adult, it likely left you unsure of your own true identity. And if that's the case, then your inner child may be wounded. Okay. Another sign of this, right, is if you're a highly anxious individual. Now, generally we experience high levels of anxiety when entering into new situations, meeting new people, attending a social event, moving right. There is a lack of control that makes us feel uncomfortable. And when you don't know how to anticipate what will happen or how someone will behave, your anxiety will increase now, for those individuals who had a lot of this growing up, it's going to have such a negative effect on you when you're dating, because every new experience you have with a guy is going to be new and there's just going to be a lot of anxiety everywhere. And so we have to find ways to heal that. Okay, let's talk about another sign. Low self esteem and inappropriate guilt. Now, maybe you've lived in a household where you were made to feel responsible for things that were not your fault or really outside of your control. Or maybe you lived in a household where your abilities, your skills, your talents were diminished. Either way, like both factors leave you with a damaged sense of self worth and unnecessary guilt. If you find yourself apologizing for things that you actually had no control over, that's a sign that your inner child may have been wounded a bit. Okay, Another sign that you need constant reassurance. Now, much like the trouble with setting and maintaining boundaries, learning to be a people pleaser early on in life can leave you without the ability to reassure yourself. And as a result, you are constantly seeking external approval. You may feel like a failure if you're not told otherwise. And so that's why some of us will need constant reassurance. And if that's the case for you, we may have a wound on our hands, ladies. Okay, the next sign I want to talk about is fear of abandonment. The fear of abandonment usually occurs in childhood and follows us into adulthood. You may find that you worry excessively about people eventually leaving, or you may struggle with feelings of worthlessness. And this is because you unintentionally push people away. You rather be alone than abandoned. This often. I see this often with some of my clients where some someone does something wrong and then they want to cut them off immediately because they think, oh, I'd rather be the first one to go than to be potentially abandoned or left. Right? This is no way to approach your love journey. And so we're going to talk about what sort of things we can do a little bit later on. Another sign that your inner child might be wounded is that you have difficulty with strong emotions. Right? That it may be hard for you to control your emotions and you might often fly off the handle. Right? And frequently feel guilty when you feel a negative emotion like anger or sadness. Maybe there were moments where you were growing up where you couldn't express all of your emotions and so you've bottled them in inside until you actually explode. Either way, difficulty with your strong emotions is one of the things that you are going to have to heal from if you're going to have successful relationships in your adult life. The last one, the last wound that I want to talk about is the harsh inner critic. And if you have this, it means that you are often really critical of yourself. Especially when you achieve something new, you probably rarely take the time to celebrate it. You either go on to the next thing, or you immediately begin to pass judgment on yourself of how you could have done something better or how you should have been better. This often comes with the imposter syndrome that plagues so many of us. Now, if I've hit a nerve on any of those specific signs, I want to invite you in. This is a call in, this is not a call out. So awareness is the first step to really healing. So we have to be aware if our inner child is wounded. Maybe you're listening to this and saying, that doesn't really apply to me, so maybe it's not. But if any of those signs hit a little bit harder. Let's continue talking. Okay? All right. So I want to talk a little bit about five major wounds. The first one is the abandonment wound. And the abandonment wound is a deep fear of being left or abandoned or isolated. And this wound usually occurs in early childhood and spills over into our adult. Generally, as a child, you may have been emotionally or physically abandoned by your primary provider, whether that was your parents or your grandmother. Now I have an abandonment wound. My father abandoned me when I was young, eight years old. And it has been so difficult to heal from this wound. So as I talk about this, I want to let you know that I'm also talking about myself. I'm not some holier than thou person. I'm in it. Right? Like, where you all are at as well. Okay, so let's talk about some of the abandonment wounds and how they can form. Right? If there was any sort of trauma during birth, if you were dropped off at summer camp or boarding school, or dropped off at your grandmother's house when you were little, if you have divorced parents or an absent parent or a sick parent, or a death of a parent or the death of a close family member. Right. Or if you grew up in an emotionally cold environment where it wasn't really safe to express yourself, any sort of childhood abuse, sexual abuse, verbal insults, any sort of emotionally distant parents will form this abandonment wound. Right? This is important. I want you to realize, like, why you do the things that you do and what sort of experiences are associated with these wounds so we can really pinpoint what's going on here. How is this going to show up in your adult life, this abandonment one? Well, I'm going to talk to you about how it shows up in my life.

I didn't know I was going to call myself out on this podcast, but I guess I am. Right? Okay. So abandonment wounds generally have a tendency to attach too quickly. And, you know, this looks like getting too close too fast, either in, like, friendships or romantic relationships. Like, I used to think, like, oh, my God, I love this person so much. This person's got to be my best friend, like, in one night, right? Way too much, way too soon. Right. Because of my abandonment wound. Other ways that it shows up in adult life, right? Jealousy or a suspicion that you know your partner will hurt you, cheat on you, leave you, even when there's no sign of malicious behavior. I remember that, like, when my partner, we first started living together, like, every day, I was asking, are you happy? Are you okay? Because I didn't want him to leave me, right? And it was like this constant chatter in my head, oh, he's going to leave me. He's going to hurt me. He's going to cheat on me. He's going to do whatever. Another way that it shows up when we enter into and maintain unhealthy relationships. I talked about my love journey previously, and I told you about this relationship that I had with this guy that was, like, into drugs, and I was, like, trying to make it work, girl. It was unhealthy. I tried to maintain it. We're not doing that anymore right.

Now. The next one I want to talk about is a huge one, and this is where I think you'll see it the most, where you may be ending relationships prematurely because the other person has a chance to leave. So if you're cutting off people really quickly, if a guy does something that is slightly imperfect and you cut them off immediately, it might be because of this wound, right? Also, self doubt, insecurity, lack of self worth, all of these are part of the abandonment wound. Now, remember I was talking about this emotional unavailability. Well, if you're avoiding emotional intimacy or you're choosing partners that are emotionally unavailable, you may also have this abandonment wound. Okay? When we have difficulty trusting others, when we're overly controlling and we feel like we need to make people live by our standards, this is the abandonment wound showing up in your adult life. Okay? Now how do we heal this abandonment wound? What do we do? Because, girl, you know, we're all about solutions here. Well, first, what I want to do is I want us to acknowledge it. That's why we're having this podcast today. The first step in healing an abandonment wound is to acknowledge all of the grief, the sadness, the anger, the shame, the hurt, the pain from the past. That means that you got to feel your feelings. Girl, you gotta cry. You gotta let go of the notion that you are a weak person if you show emotion. You gotta give yourself as much time as you need to explore each emotion.

You also need to find a healthy outlet that can help you face your emotions and fears in a way that is safe and secure. Now, this can be anything from journaling or prayer. The other thing that I think is important, and this is why I have this group program, is that I want you to remember that you are not alone. Yes, it's true that you're responsible for your own healing, but you don't have to go through it alone. You get to create a healthy support system. And this can include a therapist, a coach, family, friends, even your partner. Girl, don't be afraid to ask for help, because you're going to need it. Having the help of a professional in a safe environment who is unbiased can greatly help you to process your emotions and help you identify healthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes I'm working with some of my clients and they have some really big emotions and they expect me to have big emotions because they have big emotions and they're surprised that I'm still even killed. Because I'm not reacting to where they're at. Doesn't mean that I don't care. It means that I'm going to be that solid foundation when we're expressing these emotions to let you know that it's safe to do that. That just because you rise doesn't mean that the environment needs to rise as well. We get to just be there, right? And sit in it, and that's okay too. And then finally, healing this abandonment wound, it's important to recognize that you are not the problem. The abandonment had nothing to do with you, but more to do with the inabilities of the person who left, right? All of these things are going to help you heal this abandonment wound. These are the things that I had to do to help with that. So I want you to be thinking about doing the same thing. Here are some exercises for you to consider doing so that you can start this healing process. Right? One of the things that you can do is write a letter to someone who has wronged you, who you know you wouldn't have otherwise told. Here are some exercises for you to Consider doing so that you can start this healing process. Right. One of the things I think one of the other things that you can be thinking about and kind of writing your thoughts around is differentiating between being abandoned and being left. These feelings of abandonment are emotions from your early trauma. How can we make ourselves feel better about being alone? What are the positives of that? Right. What does it mean for your joy, for your pleasure, for your peace to be alone and start to reframe that? Okay. One of the affirmations that I want to offer to you is that people are going to come in and out of my life. This is part of life.

Another affirmation that I want to share with you is I get to take responsibility for the people that are in my life and I don't have to take responsibility for the people that are out of my life. Okay. I hope that helps. As we begin to go through these wounds. I started with abandonment one because that's my ish, but I think it's very, very prevalent for high achieving, smart and successful women out there. So I wanted to offer that one as the first one. The second wound that I want to talk about is the trust wound. And what is the trust wound? The trust wound is if you were betrayed as a child, right? If you had your trust violated by someone important to you, usually from your parents or your guardian, then you probably have a trust wound. So how do trust wounds actually show up in your adult life? Well, one, if you have patterns of generalized anxiety or hypervigilance, or if you have a hard time making decisions, oftentimes means that you're not trusting others and most importantly, you're not trusting yourself. If you are envious of others and you feel like it's inherently easier for them than it is for you, there's a lack of trust of self, right. If you're constantly scanning others to know if you are safe with them, that's a trust wound that needs to be healed. Right? Now there's a difference between just understanding your surroundings but being constantly scanning to see if you're safe or not, right? These are ° the different ° that I'm talking about here. That's a trust wound. If you try to control others behavior in subtle or overt ways. Trust wound, right? If you have self identified as having commitment issues. Trust wound, girl. Trust wound. If you need to control your environment to feel safe, right. If you have a belief that if you are too happy, something bad is going to happen, that's also a trust one. I hear this so often, I'M just waiting for the other shoe to drop. No, girl, we can't wait for the other shoe to drop. Shoes are dropping every day, right? That's part of life. We've got to have the skills to actually cope with that and pick the shoe up when it does drop or allow the other person to pick up the shoe. Right? The other ways that trust wounds can show up in our adult life is if you spend a lot of time trying to manage and predict the future, right? If you're pouring all of your energy into things that you can't control, it's a trust wound. And then it goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you have difficulty trusting others, and this applies to anyone in your social circle, even family, there's a trust wound. Okay? Many of us have trust wounds because relationships are not perfect and oftentimes they. They get, you know, abused. Different power dynamics. Sometimes we can feel out of control, right? That is natural. That is part of life. But if it is at an extreme level for you, then this is something that I want you to really focus on. So how do we heal the trust wound? Well, first we need to identify and acknowledge your wounds, which is what we're doing here, right? Healing often requires you to first come to terms with what has happened. Then we have to focus on your needs and wants. Just focus on your needs and wants. Focus on the things that make you happy and keep you grounded.

That's it. We're not focused on other people and what makes them happy. The other thing that we need to do to heal this trust wound is to not blame yourself. How someone treats you has more to do with them than it does to do with you. That's why in dating, it's such a great opportunity to heal these wounds because 90% of the people that you talk to, you're not going to even see them in real life, right? We have to be able to. To bless and release as well as let other people do what they're going to do it. In dating, you get to understand that what they do has nothing to do with you. Right? The other thing that I want us to consider is forgiveness, right? I'm saying consider you don't have to do it and you can forgive some parts and not all parts. Remember, forgiveness is not for them. It's for you, right? To be able to let the anxiety, to let the burdens go so that you can be light and you can be free. The other things that I want us to do when, when considering, you know, healing from this trust wound is coming to terms with our difficult emotions sitting in them, not avoiding them, not masking them. Because when you do that, you make it more difficult to actually regulate them. Right. You got to give yourself time. And depending on the severity of the situation, you know, betrayal can leave you emotionally undone. So be patient. Am I saying that you got to get over your trust wound tomorrow? No. What I'm saying is that I want you to work on it. I want you to practice. I want you to put the reps in and doing intentional work to allow yourself to trust yourself first and foremost and then be able to trust others. Because in dating, there has to be a certain level of trust there if you're going to make a connection with someone. If you find yourself not going on those second dates, third dates, it's because we're not developing that trust and that connection, and it most often will come from the trust wound.

And finally, to heal from this trust wound, we have to learn to communicate our boundaries comfortably and also when it's a little bit uncomfortable. Because here's the thing about boundaries. You either are going to suffer in the short term with a discomfort, or you're going to suffer in the long term based on the behavior that other people are showing to you. You get to choose which one you want to actually go through, because you will go through one or the other. In my experience, the short term discomfort of setting a boundary feels overall not as bad as the other. Okay. Some work that can help you start thinking about some of these trust wounds is just actually just writing down the areas that you feel like you lack the most trust in. Right areas, meaning my love life, my career. Right. My family.

And you can also put in certain relationships in there. My friendship with my high school friend. Right. Or, you know, my relationship with my mother. Right. It's important to just be really clear on those things so we understand where we actually need to work. The other thing that I think is important is to do a relationship inventory and ask yourself, what are the three important things that you've learned from your previous relationships so that you can start reframing that relationships are not about pain and hurt, but they're actually about ability to learn and to level up yourself and your love. A couple of affirmations that I want to offer you as it pertains to your trust wound.

I let go of what I can't change.

And setbacks don't define me. They nudge me into a new awareness. All right, my loves, I hope that these first two wounds were really helpful in starting on actually doing the work. In the next episode, we're going to go through the other three wounds and how to heal from those as well. I hope that this is helping you take that first step and really engaging in those inner childhood wounds so that you can fly and you can be free, because that is what is required to get to your love goals. All right, my loves. Be well. Bye now.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.