Last Q&A of 2020

Hello, everyone. Hello, hello, hello. I'm so happy to be talking with you all today. My name is Anwar White, and I am the CEO and founder of get your guy coaching. And I really help women.

Heal their hearts and date effectively. And as mental health, my company's name, get your guy says get your guy. And so today, what I wanted to do in our last Tuesday tea of the year, I'm so happy to be done with 2020, and I'm pretty sure that you all are as well.

I wanted to talk a little bit about.

Mama drama, Mama trauma.

Because.

I think what happens oftentimes. And just FYI, this session is really about Q and A. So please bring me your questions, all the questions that you may have, because I am so ready to answer all of them. But before we get into that, I do want to talk about mama trauma, because oftentimes I think.

There'S a lot of talk about daddy issues and things of that nature. But, you know, you have two parents, so both of them have a huge effect on you and how you're thinking about relationships. And I primarily work with black women, and I think that black women, and specifically women of color, grow up differently and they have different relationships with their parents. And. And so I wanted to talk a little bit about that because I think it's important for us to gain some clarity around.

Why sometimes you may be experiencing things that don't necessarily serve you. Hold on one second. For some reason, every time I do Instagram now, it doesn't work.

So bizarre.

Sorry about that.

It happens.

We keep on rocking on. I don't know what it is about my Instagram.

It doesn't work anymore, which is a little bit sad, but you do what you can.

Okay, so mama trauma, I was talking about black women specifically because that's who I primarily work with.

And I wanted to talk a little bit about this. And I know this is like such a Debbie Downer when it comes to the end of the year, but I don't really think there's a specific time for us to do the work. I think, like, if it's there, we should do it. So. So I want to make sure that we're doing as much work as possible, because if we're not doing the work, then we're avoiding. Right? We're not acknowledging. And my whole thought process about when you're ready to enter into the love game and this, your love journey is that you have to go through all of that stuff. It's important for you to actually experience your feelings and really understand why you relate to people the way that you do, that's something that's really, really important. Okay, so why am I talking about mother issues? Well, we are around the holidays and I know, like, when I'm talking to a lot of my clients, the thing that really sticks out to them the most are their moms coming home or being around their mother and a variety of other things. And so I wanted to talk a little bit about that because I don't think it gets talked about a lot, especially. Especially with black mothers. Right. So I want to kind of. I want to go back, right. I want you to remember when you were a little girl and you were potentially getting your hair done. Let me know if you got your hair done every Saturday evening before church, on Sunday or in. Right. Or Sunday evening before school, all of those different things.

I'm saying this because oftentimes.

It'S like it's such an important time between a black girl and her mother and it's such a huge bonding time, but it's also like a painful time for children, right? I mean, it doesn't feel good to get your hair done. It hurts.

And what is the general response when that happens? The general response is stop crying. You're tender headed. You don't really feel the pain that you're supposed to be feeling, right? Please, I don't want to hear your mouth. I don't believe you when you say that you're hurting all of those different things. Or let me know if you guys have ever had a relaxer before and it has hurt a little bit. Right? The message and the signaling around that is the hair that's coming out of your head is not. It's not okay. You have to change it. And changing it hurts, but you have to suffer through the pain, right? And you can't say anything. Right? Doesn't matter if your edges or your scalp burns, right? So I'm mentioning this because I think sometimes we don't really think about these early experiences that are very pivotal and like something that actually connects us with our mother. But it's really important. Another experience growing up, and please let me know if this has been the case for you as well, is like if you start crying, right? Or if you start showing emotion and your mother says something like, I'm going to give you a reason to cry about. I'm going to give you something to cry about if you don't stop. Right? Or something to that degree. That happens often. And what that tells you is that your emotions are not okay. Right? That you should not be showing your emotions. Right? I'm exactly my first relaxer triggered girl. This is why I work primarily with African American women. Because there are so many specific issues that we have to kind of heal from to, to actually really go out into the world are full selves unafraid of showing emotion and pain and all of that. The other reason why I'm talking about black mama trauma is because it's really interesting. A lot of black mothers.

Don'T apologize when they do something wrong. Let me know if that is your experience as well in the comments. Where things have gone horribly, maybe they lost their head, they're cool and a situation got out of control.

And oftentimes we don't necessarily get an apology.

I want you to really think about that for a second.

And what that really means, right? Like I told you before, right? Being tender headed and not being able to say that you're in pain, you're suppressing your emotions and how you feel, right? When someone, when someone tells you to stop crying, you can't show your emotions, you can't say that you're in pain. When someone doesn't apologize to you, what that means is that what you're feeling is not acceptable, that it's not valued, right? That it's not valid, that you as a person is not worthy of an apology.

Instead, what happens is after a little bit of time, your mom might come in and say, hey, you want something to eat? Or hey, you want to go with me somewhere?

Right?

This is really, really dysfunctional.

And the reason I'm talking about this is because. And I don't want, I didn't. I actually was thinking about not talking about this because I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer for the end of the year. But I do think it's a, it's important for us to talk about these things. The reason I want to talk a little bit about this is because it's affecting the way that you have relationships.

In relationships, you need to connect. And connection also means being vulnerable, showing emotion. Right? Being able to say when you're in pain, when you're hurt.

Right. It also means that being able to understand what acceptable behavior is and what acceptable behavior is not. Right? And being able to.

Allow space to be apologized to. Right? That is what I'm talking about here. And those things are some of the things that really hold a lot of women back when it comes to getting into a healthy, long term relationship.

So why does this happen? It happens for a variety of different reasons, but as Many black women out there know society tries to shit on you, right? It tries to tell you that you're not anything and you. You're not great and you're not amazing. And unfortunately, our mothers and our grandmothers probably got two, three, four times as much as maybe what you're feeling now. And unfortunately.

As we all know, if we can't control certain things in the exterior world, we try to control them in the interior world. And oftentimes that looks like our homes. And so oftentimes, Black mothers try to control their children. That's why you'll see.

Clothes, like, they try to make the kids perfect. Your clothes should never be wrinkled, right? You gotta always. Your hair always has to be, like, too legit to quit, right? Everything has to be in order. Everything has to be super clean, all of those things. Because what they are doing, what these black mothers are doing. And I love Black women. Please. I've grown up around all of them. But I think it's important to really connect the dots here when they're feeling out of control in the exterior world based on the fact that they didn't have as much agency as we do now in today's society. They try to control you in the home. And what that means is that they try to make you perfect because making you perfect made them feel like they were perfect because society wasn't seeing them as perfect. So that's why they made sure your clothes were super in order. The house was in order and clean. In my house, it looked like anytime I made a mistake on my homework, my mother would completely erase and make sure that there was no remnants of any sort of mistake. Right? This level of perfection that oftentimes black children, but specifically black girls endure.

And it's really dysfunctional, and it is harmful to the way that black women are relating when it comes to relationships.

So please, in the comments, please share with me if there are any ways that your mom tried to control you in any sort of way. Right. I want this to be a safe space where we are sharing some of the experiences of. Of having some of that Black mama trauma again. We love our moms. They are amazing. They are great. They did a lot for us. But also some of the things that they've done for us affect the way that we relate to people and how we love. And so it's important for us to delve into that.

Before we start to really enter into this love journey and talk more about what it means to heal from that so that we can be approaching our relationships in a Healthy way, Right?

Okay, so let me talk about how also some of these things can affect your relationships, because like I was saying, it affects connection. It affects your ability to express how you're feeling. Right. I'm sure you grew up in a way where it was like, you have to be seen and not heard. So you did not have a voice to express what was displeasing to you, what wasn't. Right? And that might show up in the way that you relate, especially in your romantic relationships. So it's hard for you to express your wants, your needs, your desires. It also might look like. Not actually, like, suppressing your emotions, because that's what you are taught to do. You shouldn't cry over things that you might feel emotional about. Right. You shouldn't feel pain because, you know, you don't want to be looked at as weak or any of that stuff. It spoke a little bit about this perfection trap that a lot of black mothers actually.

Actually focus on, because that's how a lot of black women become people pleasers in a lot of ways, because they're always trying to strive for this perfection threshold that mothers have created. And so it's hard to.

Okay, two sides of the sword, right? Where it's like, it might drive you to go beyond what you thought was possible of yourself, but also it might also have you looking for validation externally, always and always trying to measure up to an opinion of someone else. And that is, I think, really difficult, especially when you think about.

Relationships, romantic relationships, because narcissists and toxic men love people pleasers. It feeds and supplies all of their ego. And when, if you found yourself in a relationship with a toxic or a narcissistic man, I want you to think about the ways in which you were taught to people please and taught to thrive or strive for.

A level of perfection that was unattainable. And where that came from, as you related specifically to your mother, I'm sure maybe there were some issues with your father as well. But I want to focus on our moms for a second, right? We love them, but some of the things that they did had an effect on us, and it's important for us to call it out for what it is.

Okay. The other thing that I want to talk about is this notion of, like, not apologizing. Right? If you've ever seen Trump do whatever he does, he never apologizes because he's a huge narcissist. And what I want to offer to you is that when you grow up having your parents not be able to apologize for some of the horrible things that they have done because no one is perfect. You are trained to think that that is acceptable behavior, that that is love, that it is okay for someone to treat you not so great and them not to apologize afterward or acknowledge what they've done. Right? And so when. When clients come to me and women speak to me about, I keep on falling for these toxic men and these narcissists. I think about how they learned how to love and what they found to be acceptable and not acceptable when they were.

Growing up. And I think about these moments. So I want you to think about the moments in which your mother apologized or didn't apologize to you when you were growing up and how that may affect the way that you think about.

Acceptable behavior. Okay. All right, so what can we do here? Because I'm all about solutions. I'm not about just talking about issues.

We go to therapy.

We do coaching, right? Relationship coaching or other forms of coaching that can help you connect the dots, that can help you feel through it. That's really important.

We have to do the work. We have to re parent ourselves. We have to show other people how we want to be treated by treating ourselves the exact way that we want to be treated. We have to set very clear boundaries with our parents because what they were doing before is probably still what they're kind of doing today.

So we have to think about what boundaries are necessary to make sure that you are keeping your peace. That's the work that I do with a lot of my clients. Right. So that they know who they are. Because if you don't know your boundaries, you don't know who you are. And unfortunately, in the way that I've just described how you've grown up, you probably didn't have many boundaries. Okay. All right. So if you want to delve into that a little bit more, I definitely would love to help you kind of do the work together. So let me know. You can either DM me or we can get on a free consultation call. You can book that at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply and we'll talk all about your love life and have an amazing time. I like to have a lot of fun and just get some clarity on, like, what's wrong, what's right, what your goals are, and how we can achieve them together. Part of achieving them is also doing the work that we were just talking about. Right. Because all that has to get cleared up if you want to really approach relationships in a confident, secure way, which will obviously Help the relationship become long lasting. Okay, so now what I want to do is I want to open it up for any questions that you may have for me about relationships, about.

Dating, about men, about love. I am here for all of that. So please let me know exactly any sort of questions that you might have so that we can answer them. A.

So let me just see.

We have any questions here?

I don't have any questions now, but I do have someone saying parenting control by communicating fear. Don't get married. Don't be friends with certain people. Don't travel to certain places, keep secrets. They were protective but traumatic. Very much so. Right. All that stuff needs to be addressed and needs to be healed. And it's important to really, to really address those things or they stay hidden. And all of those things, all of those different roles that you played in the pattern that you created in your love life come up to the surface when you're in a relationship. And unfortunately, that's not the healthiest way. So that's what I want to offer to you as as we start to really go onto this love journey together.

Before I get to any questions, I do want to say that I want to work with women asap because January is an amazing time to online date and I have an amazing way to help women online date so that they are only dealing with high quality men. And so if that's something that you are interested in doing, please reach out to me. I am here to help. As they say, when it comes to online dating and making sure that you are talking to high quality men that are going to really show up for you. Right? Show up in ways that, as I was describing earlier, are maybe not ways in which.

Our relationships with our mother were or how they trained us to love. So that's what I want to offer to you. January is what I call the super bowl of online dating. You have all of these people that are prioritizing different things in their life for the new year. And especially with the year that we have all had in 2020, more and more people are going to be prioritizing their health, their love and relationships. And I want to make sure that you're seizing that opportunity because that means that the pool is going to be bigger, which gives you a higher probability of getting your guy. And that's what I'm doing here. I'm here to help you do that. So.

If you want help, let me know. I love help. I love doing this work. I love love. So that's what I want to offer to you are There any questions for me? Because this is a Q and A session and I want to make sure that I'm answering all different kinds of questions so that you have answers so that you can move along your love journey with confidence, with security, and with clarity. I have a question. If narcissists love people pleasers, do people pleasers have to become mean or indifferent? Definitely not, right? When it comes to. Just because something is attracted to you doesn't mean you have to change who you are. It just means you have to set stronger boundaries. You have to actually believe them when they show you who they are. Right? We have to see the red flags for what they are. The red flags for a lot of narcissists. Meaning, like I was saying before, they'd never apologize for anything. Right? They will put you down, right? To make you feel really small about yourself. They'll make jokes at your expense so that you are feeling like you can't do anything. Right? They're always going to blame you for anything that happens because it's always your fault. They may gaslight you and say that you're really sensitive. Your boundary has to be set. Meaning when I speak with my clients, I want them to be very specific and let them know if something doesn't jive with them, if it doesn't feel good to you, you have to express it. You have to be able to say. And you don't have to be confrontational. You don't have to be in somebody's face telling them who they are and who they are not. You also don't have to go into your shell and play small and big. Basically encourage them to continue to do it. You can let them know that doesn't make me feel good. I'm not comfortable with that statement. I don't really like that. I don't feel great. When you say things like that and remove yourself from the situation, right? You can set a boundary and you can let them know, if this continues to happen, I'm not going to be able to engage with you anymore. Right? Simple short sentences with no explanation. And they'll ask you for explanation. Why do you think you don't have to give them anything?

Your sentence, your boundary is explanation enough. So the work for people pleasers is to set strong boundaries, something that I work with my clients on significantly. Because like I was saying before, if you don't know your boundaries, then you don't know yourself. Because that means that you don't know when you start and when you end. And that's a problem, right?

So I hope that's helpful.

I would never want anybody to be mean or indifferent, but I want you to be clear eyed. I want you to, I want you to know that not everybody's here for you, sis. Not everybody's looking out for you.

People naturally are self serving beings, right? So I don't want us to get overly like involved when people are wanting to serve themselves and do good and make themselves feel good because that's human nature.

Right? I want us to be observant. I want us to be looking for the people that are showing up for us. I always think about dating a little bit differently than I think traditional. Traditionally, women are trained to look at dating. I think oftentimes women have been trained to like, have to feel like they have to prove themselves to men, you know, and be like nice girl, perfect girl, like, you know, play wifey even though you're not their wife. I don't think that that serves you. The way that I think about dating is that I want you to be in observation mode and I need you to wait for these men to show up for you, be consistent and reliable and invest in you and with time and energy and affection so that once they do that, then you can evaluate if you actually want to be with them or not. If they're not even doing that, there's no evaluation. There's no let me figure out if he's going to change or do different things. No, what is going to happen, especially early on in the courtship phase, is he's going to give his best self, right? Even if that's like somewhat of a facade and if his best self isn't showing up for you, then, girl, when he becomes your boyfriend, it's going to be 10 times worse. And if he becomes your husband, it's going to be 10 times worse than that.

So I want us to be 100% clear that these men need to be showing up for you first and foremost. And if they don't, they're out. As I see some of my clients on here, as all of my clients know, my favorite saying is he's out.

Cut.

Yeah. Good. Any other questions? We have a few more minutes. Please give me your questions. I'm here to answer them.

I see you laughing, girl. You, you've heard me say he's out a lot, I'm sure. Or you will be if these guys don't come to the plate. Coming correct. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that's what it's really about. I just want, I see some people Kind of showing up. I want to encourage you to watch this live from the beginning because for the first 15 minutes, I talk about black mama trauma, which is serious, and it is a very interesting look in how you are relating to men in your relationships, right? And we talk about getting your hair done and being tender headed and not being able to express things when they hurt you, right. Or when you show emotion and someone tells you to stop crying, right? That being forced to kind of suppress your emotions. Or how a lot of our black mothers have tried to make us perfect beings because the world has been telling them how imperfect they are. And so they give you this unrealistic standard to try to live by. And so you're in this people pleasing mode all the time, right? So that you are trying to get her love and in. And oftentimes that looks like getting used to people pleasing everybody, especially those toxic and narcissistic men that come around, right? So talked a little bit about that. So I want to encourage you to please take a look at the beginning of this live so that we can really connect the dots, because that's what this is really about. Once we acknowledge it, then we can actually heal it. Do I have any other questions, my loves, my ladies, as we start to think about men dating, love and relationships. Onisha, I know you're talking to a man now, girl, so tell me if you have any questions about him. I am more than happy to help.

See what else we got going on here. I want to make sure. Okay, I have some questions here.

Yes, Alyssa, no, we received no apologies. That was the other thing. I was talking about how our black mothers never apologized to us and what that meant for how we relate to people and what we expect when they don't do things the way that we want them to do them.

Yeah.

All right, my loves, we've talked about a lot of different things here and I've had a really good time. If you are interested in understanding some of your root causes to how you relate to men and love and dating and relationships, I want to encourage you to please reach out to me, especially before next January when it's going to be on and popping when it comes to online dating, because I want to help you become efficient when it comes to online dating, you can book a free consultation with me at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply and we will take 45 minutes or an hour and just talk about you and your love life and get it together. Right. I want you to know what's hindering your love life and blocking your love life. Because if you don't know, then you can't, you can't resolve it, right? You're going to continue to do the same things, play the same roles, do the same patterns that you've been doing for a while. It's time to break it, girl. 2020 was a hot mess. And so 2021 has to look a lot differently. For your sanity, for your life, for everything. I want to help you. Alrighty. Alright, my loves, have a great holiday season. This is the last Tuesday tea of the year and I want to thank so many of you that have given me so much positive praise and acknowledgement for the work that I'm doing. It really does mean a lot and it does help me and keep me going and all of those things. Because, you know, this year has been really hard. But what has been really helpful for me personally is being able to help my many clients completely level up this part of their lives and to really just gain a whole new level of confidence when it comes to dating and relationships and men. It is so rewarding to see that. And I, I tell my clients all the time, I am a suburban mother of three. I am living vicariously through all of my clients that are going on all of these amazing dates. And if that is something that you want to do, if you have been avoiding your love life, not acknowledging how you feel about men, whether you distrust them or not, and also not acknowledging some of the healing that needs to happen with your inner girl, we should talk.

Alrighty. All right, my loves, much love to you. Have an amazing holiday season and a more amazing new year. Because 2021 is when we're getting all the men, we're getting all the digits, we're getting all the love, all the relationships that we need, that we want and that we deserve.

Bye now.