Learning to Love After Attending a PWI

Hey girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

Hello my loves. And thank you so much for joining me today. I wanted to talk a little bit about PWIs. And for those of you out there that don't know what that stands for, it stands for predominantly white institutions. And the reason why I wanted to talk about this is, is because I think it has a major effect on how women of color actually date. So when we think about PWIs, realize that most schools are PWIs, especially in America and Canada, right? That you are going to be going to school, elementary school, junior high, high school and even college with the majority of white individuals. And so it's going to affect the way that you experience life. This is why I want to talk about PWIs. So let's start in elementary school because this is actually when it all starts. And maybe even in kindergarten where because white people are so sheltered and only know of other white people, it stands to reason that they are going to gravitate toward other white people, especially at such a young age. And when that happens and when they're hanging out with certain people more, they're going to naturally like them more. This is called the mere exposure effect where the more you see someone, the more you will naturally like them. So they're focused on, and I'm specifically talking about these white boys, they're mostly focused on the white girls, right? But you know, as children we internalize everything and we make it about us. So when they are interested in those white girls, we create the story that oh, they don't like me, I'm not lovable, I'm not desirable, right. And there's something wrong with me. But there's really nothing wrong with you. Right? It's really based on the fact that they've been so sheltered and that's all that they know. So that's what they're going to gravitate toward. But that shit sticks with you for a long ass time and gets perpetuated in further and later experiences when it comes to dating and relationships. So what do you do? What's your coping mechanism? Your coping mechanism when you're in school is basically Fuck all these hoes, basically. Let's not even give them any life or any attention and let me focus on my studies. Let me make sure that I start to feel good about myself through the work that I'm able to produce, right? That if I get good grades, I'm going to feel better about myself because I'm not getting the validation from the boys in my class. It happens all the time. Please think back to that elementary school and let me know if that's happened to you. But this is important, right? It sets the foundation for your entire dating and relationship lens, right? That this is how you're thinking about a variety of different men out there. But it's so much more than that, right? Because when you're creating this story that the majority of men out there are not interested in me, it's going to demotivate you from actually engaging in dating and relationships, right? It's going to keep you stuck as that little girl that wasn't getting the attention of the white boys in school, right. Ultimately, it stunts your growth in this area. I think it's similar for LGBT individuals as well. When you don't have experience being in relationships dating, early on, you have to play catch up, right? And so what you should have been doing in your early teens and later teens, you actually start doing in your 20s because you haven't had the experience of actually being in a relationship, dating, flirting, all of those things. And again, we go deeper and deeper into our work, whether that's schoolwork or even early in our career, right? And because you haven't been in the game, the love game, so often it becomes more and more intimidating to you and it really makes you not want to be even involved in it at all, right? Because you've not really been involved with it as you're growing up. And even though you, like deep down inside, really want it, because it's a natural want, need or desire to want to be with individuals, to connect. You don't want to go through the steps to actually get there, right? Because those steps are so unfamiliar to you. Now, we see a lot of this in college, right? Leaving high school, we go to college. Even the college decision, right? I'm pretty sure that the decision of going to college is oftentimes based on the ranking based on what you think you want to do, and less so about the social aspect of how am I going to feel every day outside of the classroom, right? Which is going to be the majority of your experience in college. We don't think about that when we're making college decisions. And our school counselors, our college counselors are not helping us think about those things as well. We're thinking about, is it ranked well, am I going to get a really great job afterward? But realizing that the person that you are becoming, the experiences that you're going to have at those schools, can either make or break you in certain aspects of your life. So I want to talk about college because I think college is a super pivotal moment when it comes to dating and relationships. Obviously, there's a lot of casual sex. There's a lot of hooking up. There's a lot of friends with benefits when it comes to college. And that can even demotivate you more because then you really don't feel like you're being valued or validated. Then you start to feel like you're being fetishized or commoditized or objectified by your body and not necessarily by your humanness. Right. This is also a time in college when you start to see men of your own race start dating outside of your race, which, again, perpetuates the story that, you know, I am not enough, I'm not worthy of a date, or people are not checking for me. And again, it makes you not want to really even get involved with all of it. It's frustrating, I think, also, and I'm gonna speak specifically about black women, when you try to talk to someone else outside of your race, you get so much slander and so much shit talked about you and so much hassle that it makes you not want to even engage with all of that because you don't want any of the backlash. Right. So I wanted to call that out because I think it's really important for you to understand what your foundation is when it comes to love, dating and relationships. It is one of those things where it's challenging for women of color. Once you are working, once you are ready to really date and outside of the college scene for a while, it's going to feel weird. It's going to feel super unfamiliar, more so than your white counterparts because you haven't had the experience that they've had. And. And I'm not going to go through an entire episode of predominantly white institutions and not speak to the inherent racism that is in society that is there. But what I do know is that these guys, specifically white men, are definitely open to dating black women. Half of my clients are dating outside of their race, and most of them are white men. I want us to realize that that is something that is open to you. With the Internet, I think there is definitely more exposure to different kinds of individuals and people. And if you look on social media, you'll see a ton of different interracial relationships. That's just more accepted in society these days. And so the stigma isn't there as much as it was say 20 years ago. I think Issa Rae said that black women should be giving Asian men more of a chance. There wasn't an OkCupid so significant research project that said that black women and Asian men get the least amount of messages. So I think she was coming from that information and saying, well, we should just come together and make, I guess, a ton of John Legend babies. I don't really know, but I agree with her. And this is what I tell all of my clients. I want you to date as many men as possible from all different backgrounds and experiences and, and different races. I am mostly focused on you finding the partner that is going to make you feel like a queen and that's going to show up for you. I don't care if he is of the same race or of a different race. Ultimately, I think there's so much pressure, especially for black women to like date within their race. And you see that. I think like 89% of black women date exclusively within their race, whereas black men, it's closer to like 70%. Right? Women, I want you to date everybody, right? I don't want you to limit yourself. And then it makes it harder for you to actually find love because you're only dating 13% of all of the men out there. No, girl, you should be dating all kinds of men so that your net is totally wide, right? That you can give yourself the highest probability of finding love. I want you to get yours. I don't want you to limit yourself. Black men, Hispanic men, Asian men are not the only men that are checking for you, especially these days, more than anything else. So go out there and do the damn thing. What I know about this love game is that love comes in a variety of different packages. That what you need in a partner a lot of the time doesn't look like what you fantasize about. I mean, girl, just speaking from my own experience, I am basically married to a short round man from Montreal, Canada. Girl, in my head I thought I was gonna be married to some 6 foot 5, light skin, basketball built man. No, this man gives me everything that I need, that his package is different from what I thought it was. But I am the happiest that I've ever been and I want that for you and so many of my clients that I work with. And so I want you to be open, and not just open, but actually excited about dating different kinds of men. Right. That you get to learn so much in this dating experience. And as I was mentioning before, because you may not have as much experience with dating and relationships with realize that you dating is you catching up and getting the experiences that you actually need to make sure that when you do enter into a relationship, it's healthy, it's sustainable, it's long lasting, Right? So I hope that helps. I hope that you have some understanding around what sort of stories and narratives that you tell yourself around dating and how that is connected with predominantly white institutions. Because the worst thing that you can do is approach all of these current relationships with the lens or with the feeling of the little girl who wasn't being seen by that white boy in her class. These white men don't hold the key to what is beautiful, what is desirable, what is lovable. They don't. But it is up to you to take control of your own love life and allow yourself to be loved by all who want to love you. And then you get to make the decision about whether you want to engage with these individuals or not. I'd rather you do that than basically cut out the majority of men out there and then get upset and mad and resentful because you haven't found your guy in the 10% of men that you're only looking at. Is this a podcast about shitting on black men or men of color? Not at all. My focus will always be about you and you getting yours. These PWIs are not serving you. But now that we have clarity around how they have created narratives in your love and dating life, we can start to create new thoughts around what these experiences actually mean. Back as a child, but also more importantly, in your grown woman status now. I love doing these podcasts and I think that they're super helpful, at least to give you a broad understanding of some of the work that needs to be done. This is not the work. The work is actually much more individualized and personalized because we all have our own life journeys. And so I hope that these podcasts are helpful. But if you really are interested in doing the work and overcoming some of the trauma that that you may have experienced, whether it was at PWI's or in other aspects of your life, friends, family, work, then I invite you to book a call with me. That call is probably going to be one of the most important calls that you've ever been on. From what I hear, from what so many, the people that get on the calls with me say it's life changing. Oftentimes there are tears. Oftentimes there are revelations, connections that have never been created before. And I want you to allow yourself to experience that. Right. You're worth it. And your love life is worth it too. So book a call with me. Let's talk about your love life. Let's make sure you're the main character in your own rom com movie instead of the sidekick or the extra that you may be playing right now. All right? I love you, love you, love you, love you all. And I hope that this was helpful. Okay, bye.

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