Love Performance & Q&A

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, my loves. I hope you're doing well. For those of you that don't know, my name is Anmar White and I am the founder and the CEO of Get yout Guy Coaching. And I help smart and successful women meet and date quality men and get into the best relationships of their life. I'm in my room right now. My family is going crazy. They're still up, but I wanted to come on here and talk a little bit about one of the biggest problems that women have when they are dating. Because I think that some people think that, oh, there aren't enough quality men out there or, you know, you know, no one's out here like, wanting real love. Everyone is looking for sex. There are so many other things that I think people are focused on when it comes to dating and they're not really understanding the real issue here. And so I wanted to take tonight to really go through that before my next session with my client in New York who is moved in with her partner and about to get married. So what are these pains? What are these things that we need to solve and we need to heal to actually level up our love lives? I'm going to just call it out as I see it. And the one thing that I know for sure is that so often women are performing for men, right? And it is a huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge problem. When I say performing for men, even like if a guy is talking to you, you might change your body language, you might, you know, show more of your neck, you might get really flirty, even if that's not your natural way of being, that sometimes you will change who you are and how you are when you are in front of a man. But if you're at work, if you're around your friends or your family, you are more of yourself, right? The real problem is the performance of it all. It's the performance. So we have to stop performing. Why do we even get into performing? Well, one, I think that we're taught that from a very young age that that's what we have to do to get the attention of men. One of my clients recently asked me, she said, how can I become more approachable? And you know what I said? I said, fuck approachability. When you're focused on how you can be more approachable, it means that he is the center and it's about getting his attention. No, girl, you have to live your best life, and he will be attracted to that. It's not about him. It's about you. And it's always going to be about you. Right? Yeah. So here's the thing. Here's what I want to offer to you. We grew up performing. We perform. We generally want to be the good girl, right? That's how daughters are often raised. If you're smart, then you perform at school. If you're hard working, sometimes you'll perform on the sports field, right? And so we get into this habit of performing, performing because we think that that's what we have to do to be loved, to be liked, to be attractive, right? We have to perform.

Huge lie. Biggest lie ever taught. And so many women are so busy actually performing that they don't even know who the hell they are, specifically in their romantic lives. That's why it's so confusing for you, because you're like, I know who I am at work, I know who I am with my friends. I know who I am with my family, but I don't know who I am in this. This area. Right? Here's the t, girl. Who you are in this area should be an amalgamation of all of those different parts of you that you feel are your complete selves, right? So we have to stop performing for men. That is number one. And when we center men, when we center their gaze, when we center their thoughts, their opinions, right? What we're doing is saying that ours don't matter, that ours are shit. And so when you get into a relationship, he becomes priority number one and not you. And that's the exact opposite of how things should be in a relationship, actually. You should be priority number one. And your happiness and your comfortability should be number one. That's what this is about more than anything else. So when you're performing, that actually takes the attention and you being the priority out of the game, right? And these are the things that hurt you. Why do we perform? Why do we perform? We perform because we think that that's what we have to do, that that's what's gonna make us likable, that the real t girl is that we generally feel like we are not enough. And because we feel like we're not enough, we feel like, we have to perform.

That's the shade of it all.

And that's the thing that's scary.

Feeling like I can't be myself because myself isn't likable. I hear it all the time. I'm too old. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not white enough. I'm not cool enough. I'm not fun enough. I'm too tall. All of these excuses of feeling like you're not enough. So we compensate and we perform.

Let me know how you performed what you've done, right? Whether it's trying to be the smart girl or trying to be the funny girl or trying to be the sexy girl. We perform it for sex as well, right? That's another way that we can perform.

Performance is a lie.

Let's just think about this in the dating realm for a second, okay? Let's say that you're coming into this dating game and you're not being your full, authentic self. You are being, like, 60% of yourself. What will happen? What will happen is that he will, let's say, like you, but he's only gonna like and know 60% of you.

He doesn't even know the other 40% because you won't allow him to because you're not vulnerable enough.

What happens, and this is scientifically proven, is that we can't. We cannot be someone else.

For more than three months. So three months down the line, when you start to show your true self and show your ass and get more comfortable, right? He's gonna be like, who the hell is this? This isn't the woman that I actually was getting to know. And we confuse that with, oh, because I was myself. He didn't like me, when actually he didn't like you because you were not credible. And you were lying to him about who you were from the get go, and that's why he didn't like you. You lost your credibility and your integrity in that moment. So the real work is learning how to be yourself from the get go. And that's scary. And that takes a level of clarity, that takes a level of confidence, that takes a level of vulnerability that so many women are not programmed to have and don't have the tools to do it. That's why I do what I do in my program. I'm seeing some people saying that they dumbed themselves down a lot. They pretended like money didn't work or didn't matter. They were lying about their age. Girl, he didn't care if you're 43 or 38. He wants to Know you. He wants to feel good around you, right? I always give the acronym gas. He wants to feel good, he wants to feel accepted, and he wants to feel strong. If you're doing all of those things, doesn't matter about your age, doesn't matter about your size, doesn't matter about your height. It doesn't matter about. And on the flip side, it doesn't matter about your job title. It doesn't matter about your degrees. He doesn't care about those things, right? You've worked your entire life to. Actually, because you've been performing for so long that you put so much time, effort, sweat and tears and maybe even blood to get all of the places where you are now and in this part of your life, it doesn't matter. That's the thing about love and dating and relationships and men. Everything that you've been programmed to do, all of this performance.

It'S actually a negative in this part of your life. Isn't that crazy? You are literally.

Rewarded for performing in all areas of your life. At work, you work hard, you perform, you'll get the better titles, you might get promoted, right? You'll get accommodations and acknowledgements, right? In your friendships. If you're there for your friends when they're going through something hard, you're performing as the counselor or the advisor, right? Then you are considered a good friend in your family. If you're the good daughter, if you're taking care of everyone, if you're letting your younger sibling, you know, crash at your house because they're messing up in their lives and they're not together, you become the good sister or the good daughter based on the performance of such a role every other part of your life. Performing actually gives you something in love. It doesn't. It actually creates disconnection. And so you're never really deeply connecting with a man. And that's the problem. That's the real problem with dating and why it may be very difficult for you. It's not about the men. It's not about the men. It's not about what they're looking for. It's about you and you learning how to actually be your full, authentic selves. Here's what I know. Most of you probably don't know who you fully are. No shade. No shade, because I was that girl, too. But I think I want you to be inspired to really understand that this is an opportunity for you right here and right now in this chapter of your life, to figure out who you are, what you want, what's acceptable, what's not what you love, what you hate, what makes you feel comfortable. All of those things because they change every six months, every year, right? What do they say? Today's price isn't yesterday's price. Right? It's the same for your emotion, your emotions and your life. Who you are today is not who you were last year. And so we have to be constantly checking in with ourselves to figure out who we are and what we need at this moment. Talk to me, are you performing in your love life right now? Because if you are, that is the freaking problem. But the deeper problem is not feeling like you're something enough. And that's where the self doubt and the fear comes in. Because here's the thing, if you don't feel like you're enough from a man, then you're also going to feel like you're not good enough to receive the intimate, wonderful love from a man. And that's the painful part. Because when that happens, that's when you get into self sabotage mode where you're putting your walls up, where you are distrusting, where you keep those facades up. And those are the things that create disconnection and then frustration and disappointment and depression about your love life. And that's where we get into the start and the stop, right? We start because we know that we want love, that we feel like we need love, we deserve love, we earned love. Right? Love is a human need. We need this. We stop because it gets tiring. Because nobody is seeing us for us and not understanding who we are. But the gag is that you are not showing all of who you are. And that's what I do with my clients. That's what I help them do. I always say I do two things. I work on the internal and the external. But it's like 80% the internal. And the internal is let's figure out who the hell you really are and what you really want. That's what we're working on here. It's all about you. It's always been about you. It's not about the dudes out there. They're going to continue being them. Understanding who you are and having that clarity and the confidence is going to help you evaluate and vet these guys so that you're not approaching your dating life from some sort of thirsty desperation place where you are attaching to men that you are not really into or men that are not ready for a relationship or men that you feel like you're settling for. I would never want that. I don't kind of encourage that with my Clients. And I would never do that for you as well. I'm having questions in the chat. Do they all deserve to see who we are? Again, that question is about them. It's not about them. It's not about what they deserve. It's about you and how you live your life. Right? Do you feel, do you live it all out or are you actually living 60%.

You? Showing yourself is not about whether other people deserve it or not. It's about how you live your life and how you show up and the confidence and the trust that you have within yourself to show up as your full, authentic self. Here's what I want to offer to you. You showing all of yourself will help you see if they deserve all of you or not. Interesting concept, huh? Interesting concept. That's where vulnerability comes to play. If you're sharing all parts of you and they don't give a damn, then you know this guy is not worth anything and you can let him go, right? If you're only showing 40, 50% of yourself or showing a version of yourself that isn't even you, you can't really make that determination. But if you do, it'll take a couple of weeks to figure it out. That's why there are a lot of two and three week situations and two and three month situations. I'm hoping that this is really helpful as you start to think about what the hell is my real problem here? Because that's really my intention of this is to help you understand that we have to stop performing. We have to learn how to tap into our real selves, our authentic, genuine selves. That's what I do. That's the internal work and then the external work is all about how do I interact with them, how do I learn about men more so that I can communicate and get my needs met. Again, it's about you. It's always been about you. It always will be about you. And if there is a relationship out there that you have where it is not like that, then it's probably not serving you, especially the romantic kind. Is this resonating with you at all? Please let me know. Because it's the performance for men that will kill you all the time. It's like a feminine menstrual show, right? Even the strongest, sharpest women will sometimes lose themselves and dumbing themselves down. Being the funny girl, all of that, and you'll lose in love.

We have to learn how to do it a different way. I'm glad that this is resonating and helping so many of you. Someone Said, we are always told that men love. What are your thoughts on that philosophy, girl?

No one likes bitches. Here's. But here's what I want you to understand. Just like being a good girl won't help you get your guy, being a bitch or a bad girl won't help you get your guy. Either. Question for you. Do you like assholes? Probably not. So men don't like bitches either. Here's what I think helps bitchy women get their guy. They get their guy because they make themselves number one.

They're very clear about what they want and what they need, and they're not afraid to let a man know. And there's a level of confidence when there's a little bit of bitchiness. Now, if we survey men and they say, hey, would you prefer a woman that's bitchy or a woman that is doing all of those things, has the confidence, being clear about what they want and making themselves number one, they'll probably take the nice girl or the normal girl, not the bitch. Yeah, spoken from a former bitch.

But here's the thing. Bitchiness is a wall, right? It's. It's insecurity more than anything else. So one of the things that I help with many of my clients do is to let those walls go down so that people can actually get to know who you truly are. Bitchiness is performance.

It's performance, right? All of this is performance. Do you think the bitches out there are really, truly bitches or hurt women that are trying to protect themselves? Again, we're performing. Someone says, it seems like bitches are always getting them in and the good ones are unseen.

Bitches have a level of confidence that is attractive. Right? But I also want to offer to you that just because men are attracted to bitches doesn't mean that those relationships are actually successful. Because the quote, unquote bitch is still performing and not showing her true self. If she is able to actually let down the walls and show her true self in that relationship, then it has an opportunity to become successful. If not, it will not be successful. At some point, he will get tired of it. Men don't like drama. Men don't like, you know, fussiness or anything. They just want peace. They want chill. Like, if you know any bachelors, they work, they. They come home, they have a meal, they are on the TV or playing video games and they're going to bed. Like, their life is like the least dramatic possible or ever. Everything is chill. And that's what they want in their relationships as well. That's why the performance of it all actually doesn't really connect with them. When you are yourself. Just think about this for a second. When you are yourself, when you're with your girl, when you're with your cousin that you grew up with, when you're with your family.

Are you acting out? Are you just being yourself and chill?

Right? So I want to offer to you that when you are hanging out, when you are dating, that you.

Pretend that person is your best friend or that your best friend is there with you, right? So that you can start to incorporate more of yourself in this dating process. What I know for sure is that you have to have physical proof that being yourself works. Being all of yourself works. I don't care if you like anime girl. Talk about that. I don't care if you like weird food girl. If you're a octogarian vegan, don't like anything but grass girl. Talk about that shit. If you're passionate about it, right, the right person will love it. Love that you love it. But if you hide it, if you're strategically presenting yourself, it's not gonna work. It's not gonna work.

And then when you actually start to become yourself and the man is confused, you think it's because you're being yourself, when it's actually the fact that he doesn't know who the hell you are and who he's talking to. And that's a level of emotional dishonesty that a man just can't trust now or ever. That's why he's stepping away from it. Not because you are actually being yourself. So many women actually, this is how they date. They say, oh, he has to prove that he's worthy of being. I can be vulnerable around him. So you, like, perform, and then when you decide by one some arbitrary thing that he does that, oh, I can be vulnerable around him and be more of yourself. That's the shade of it all. So we got to learn to do it a different way. But that's the pain. That's. That's what's so hard about dating. Yeah.

Should I tell him I like watching carpet cleaning videos? Yes, but you got to tell him why. You got to give him that context. That's where the vulnerability comes in. That's what I teach my clients to do. Why does that matter to you? What does that help you do? Right? Stop performing. Stop performing because that's the big problem here. And if you want to learn how to stop performing so that you can authentically and confidently show up as your true, powerful self.

Probably should want to work with me.

So I'll talk a little bit about my program. I'm not going to talk a lot about it, but what I do is I help my clients, over a range of six months, completely level up themselves as women. Right. Because it's not. Here's the thing, my program is called get yout Guy, but it's really not about Getting youg Guy. It's about becoming the woman that is going to be ready for the best relationship of her life. Which means becoming more of you. Right. It means becoming more of you. So if that's something that you're interested in, you can DM me. You can go and book a free complimentary consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply and then we'll talk for an hour about how to incorporate some of these things in your life. The other thing that I think is important is if you feel like. Because I have a lot of people that are like, they get on these consultation calls and they're like, oh, I didn't want to get on the phone with you because I felt like it was a lot. Well, one, it's not a lot. It's actually really beneficial. I just got off of one right now. But two, if you feel like I'm not really ready for the consultation or the program, listen to my podcast. It's called get yout Guy Coaching Podcast, and it's here to help you. And we go into these topics in a deeper level so that you can really rock on. Okay. Someone said it's hard to not perform. What's a technique to catch yourself? Here's the thing. You need to be constantly checking in with yourself. You need to be saying, oh, my God, if my friend was here, would she be asking or saying, girl, you're acting weird, girl. Why are you doing that? That's weird. That's not you. Right. But deep down inside, we know who we are and who we aren't. So it's really about checking in with yourself and knowing that doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel easy. It doesn't feel like a flow. Right. So I think it is checking in with yourself. But I also think it is like asking yourself, would my friends think I'm acting weird right now or not myself? Sometimes when we actually bring another person into the situation, it can help us give us perspective. Okay. Someone else said, guys have told me that they like me because I'm down to earth, but nothing happens after a few Conversations that go, well, what's going on there? It's hard for me to know what's actually going on there because I'm not there with you. But what I will say is that you're probably not being vulnerable enough. When you tell me I'm down to earth. It means you're being the chill girl, which means that he's talking and you're like, yeah, totally. But, girl, we don't know anything about you. You might be talking about your opinions and your thoughts, but not about your feelings about the things that move you. So it sounds like we need to get much deeper and be more vulnerable, which means being more of yourself and showing that to them and the world. If you want to do a consultation with me and get into my amazing program that is completely transforming women, then book a free consultation call with me. It's going to be a game changer and a life changer and I can't wait to work with you. It's going to be amazing. What I love about my program and my. My offer is that I'm going to work with you up into a year until you get your guy. And most of my clients are getting their guy within six months. Actually closer to four months. So if that is something that's of interest to you, girl, I don't know what you're doing. Are you not booking a consultation call with me? It's ridiculous. So anyway, book that call. Bye. Bye.

Hey, girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.