Lover Overachievers

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and I hope you're doing well today. And I wanted to talk about a really interesting subject that doesn't really get discussed a lot. And it's not just about overachievers. It's also about love overachievers and love overachievement. And I wanted to talk about it today because it can really take a toll on your health and happiness. Look, success is something that everyone strives for. But I have a question for you. Is it ever possible to actually work a little bit too hard to reach your love goals? Well, when I think about love overachievers, those are the people who do amazing things and still need to feel like they need to accomplish more. Even if they attain more success, they always feel like they need to attain more, that they're never satisfied and they're always wanting to strive for more, accomplish more. And while this behavior can lead to amazing professional and academic success, it can really create a huge imbalance in a person's life, specifically love life and love overachievers. They may neglect, you know, their own needs or the needs of their family and their friends in order to get in a relationship or get married. And I want to just talk about this because I don't want you doing that. I actually, there are other ways to achieve your love goals without coming with an overachieving mindset and energy. And I want to talk about what that energy looks like so that you know when it's coming into your love life and how to avoid it. So what is love overachievement? Well, the way that I define love over achievement is really that people, you or other women will be judging your own worth purely based upon your love successes. And I think that is like the strongest sign that you might be a love overachiever. So obviously there are many different ways in which you can just in general overachieve. And I want to talk about a few of those because if you're doing it in these areas, you're probably doing it in your love life as well. So let's talk about school, right? In academic settings, overachievers are Often identified as students who perform above and beyond expected standards for their age level. I know some of my clients have skipped grades. Some of my clients have gone to amazing academic institutions because of their ability to quote, unquote, overachieve. Oftentimes when you're an overachiever, you, you are often contrasted with underachievers who are performing much less well than is to be expected. Why am I talking about this? Well, because these labels of overachiever or underachiever can actually influence the way that you're thinking about others. Because you may think that you're better than other people. Right? I know that is supernatural in the classroom, but it is also very natural in love, in dating and relationships. And that is like a recipe for disaster when it comes to this. Because if you think that you're better than everyone, you will never be in a relationship. And on the flip side, people always think about the superiority factor. But if there's superiority, then there's also inferiority. And that means that you're also going to be putting men on a specific pedestal if you think that they're amazing and great. And there aren't a lot of these kinds of men that you're talking to or meeting which will make you more attached to these men and settle for things like situationships and you know, a text once a week versus actually what you truly need and deserve. Secondly, having labels as an overachiever, right. Puts a lot of pressure on you to actually achieve. And sometimes that pressure can be really debilitating. And I don't want that for you, especially in your love life. Okay, so we talked about school. I also want to talk about work because.

General overachievers tend to be really successful in their professional lives as well. Oftentimes they are just hard driven workaholics and have a lot of pride in that. I am kind of like that as well. But oftentimes, especially like if you're in a leadership position, this can be perceived, this hard driving workaholic can be perceived as, you know, harsh and being like a dictator due to like, you know, excessive high expectations of other group members. You know, here's the thing. Am I saying that I don't want you to have high expectations of yourself? No, not at all. But it's really about the impossibly hard standards that you may be expecting from your team members or the people that you supervise. That can really be difficult. And I say this because how you do one thing is how you do everything. And that's going to translate into dating and what that looks like is that you're going to hold these people that you're talking to, these humans that you're talking to, to impossible high standards that they can't reach, which ultimately leaves you disappointed and also leaves the other person feeling like shit. And I don't want that for you. Right? I want to make sure that we are having realistic views and thoughts about humans and how they are not perfect. Right? So the other thing I want to talk about, work, is that sometimes workaholics actually work themselves to death and get burned out because they don't have healthy boundaries. They either have no boundaries or they have super rigid boundaries where they are able to cut things off immediately, which isn't 100% healthy as well. I want to make sure that we are creating boundaries in all areas of your life and specifically your romantic relationships. Okay? So now what I want to do is I want to talk about the signs that may tell you that you are a love overachiever. Okay? Now, this isn't a call out, this is a call in, because I want you to do things in a different way. So I'm going to talk about these signs, but I'm also going to talk about what we can do to, you know, overcome some of these things that actually are probably hindering you from achieving the love that you want, need, and deserve. Right? Here's the thing. I'm not shitting on overachievers. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. But if you feel that your love success is being overshadowed by anxiety and a crippling fear of failure, then it might be time to reevaluate your relentless pursuit of your love goals and love achievement. Okay? So let's talk about, you know, the top 10 love overachiever signs. So the first one I want to talk about is that you only care about the outcome, your love outcome. Now, love overachievers tend to believe that the only thing that matters is reaching and getting a relationship or getting married. That's the only outcome that matters. And they judge themselves by this standard. And they also believe that others judge them in the same way as well. Most people are just living their own lives. But here's what I want to talk about in terms of just focused on the outcome, right? Because when we do this, especially in love, then that is how you will measure your worthiness, Meaning that poor outcomes or outcomes where you are not in a relationship or married, especially for the love overachiever, can be really devastating. Right? And it will potentially encourage you to go to Any means, any ends to avoid such failings, even if that means engaging with men that aren't the one. Just to say that you have somebody, right? And I don't want that for you. I want you to realize that your love journey is about the woman you are to become and not about the relationship that you get. Right? Because you can get into a relationship tomorrow if you lower your standards, right? But that's not what this is about. Okay? So the second thing that I want to talk about in terms of love overachievement is perfectionism, right? Love overachievers sometimes become very concerned with being perfect. Well, I'm not going to say sometimes, most of the time.

And not being perfect is a sign of failure. It's like either an A or an F and there's nothing in between. And the thing about love and relationships is that actually, like, you're doing great if you get a B because like, being in a relationship or marriage is fairly average in the everyday realm, right? You're. It's like a C every day. And then there are these A and A plus moments that are kind of interwoven into your relationship experience. So on average it's like a B. But overachievers think that if it's not an A, it's an F. Right? And so we have to kind of readjust how we're thinking about love because there's no. There's no perfection in love in relationships, right?

And this perfectionism can be a huge source of stress and anxiety, right? And that can really take a toll on your physical and mental well being. Here's what I want to offer to you. If you're always striving to be perfect, if you're perfect, you won't be relatable. Perfection brings admiration, right? Not connection. So what I want you to do is I want you to start engaging in activities that you aren't great at, right? This is going to force your hand in accepting your humanness. It's going to encourage you to ask for help. It's going to make you get vulnerable, right? So, you know, doing archery or, you know, a city league in softball or volleyball might help not only to just meet people, but also to engage in a way that it's going to show your genuine self, right? Okay. The third thing that I want to talk about is if you criticize yourself a lot now, it is super normal to be critical at times, right? Of your own behaviors and also your shortcomings. But love overachievers have a tendency to berate themselves for Failing to live up to their own excessively high love expectations. And they tend to make everything their fault. Now, I know that oftentimes you were either probably trained.

Very hard in school or in sports and like the criticism, it was a way to motivate you. And you may feel that that's like the only way for you to produce good work, but it isn't. If you are criticizing yourself, you know, super harshly, then how do you think that that's going to show up in your future partnership? You're probably going to do it to your partner as well, which means that they're going to want to peace out as quickly as possible. It's just going to create more and more self doubt, stress and anxiety. I want you to realize that that critical voice isn't yours. It's probably your mother's or your father's that you've just adopted.

Recognizing that can do wonders to actually create distance from that voice and to not listen to it and to talk to yourself in a different way. Okay, so the next thing that I want to focus on is that love overachievers are super focused on the future, right? I say this because they are so wrapped up in avoiding negative outcomes that love overachievers are always worried about the future. And the problem with this is that they regularly neglect the here and the now.

So what happens when they do this? Well, when the they don't live in the present because they're so busy worrying about things that may or may not happen later down the road, they're not able to connect, right? They're thinking in their head, will he make enough money for me? Is he the commitment type? How will our babies look? And they're unable to enjoy like all of the things that are happening now in front of them, which again, men are going to pick up on and think that, oh, this girl doesn't care about me, so why should I care about her? I'm going to peace out and find somebody who actually cares about me. Here's the thing. The gag is that men are mostly focused in the present time and women are mostly focused on the future or the past. If you aren't in the present, you won't be able to connect with him. Now, I have a thing that I like to share with my clients and it helps them to really intently listen. And I tell them this. I want you to imagine that when you're on a date or when a man is talking, that you're going to have to put yourself in the scene and paint the picture of the things that he is actually talking about. Right. So that is going to require you to actually ask like intense or specific question to really fill in the paint of the scene that you're trying to create in your head. So if he's telling a story about this day at work, you get to ask, okay, well, who was there? Who was in the office? What did you guys talk about first? Like, were you next to him? What were the reactions? Right. And it forces you to get present. So paint that picture to make sure that you're not focused on the future and that you can stay in the present. Okay. The other thing that I think is really something that a lot of love overachievers do is that they work too much.

They work too much. That they never take a vacation or days off or even mini breaks. Why? Love overachievers tend to make their jobs, their boyfriends or partners until they can find someone. So they heavily invest in it because it gives them a level of self worth and self esteem, which is much better than their less ideal love life. Right. So it's very common for love overachievers and AKA general overachievers to stay late in the office, spend all their time working, skip out on even simple self care activities and hobbies in order to work.

Part of creating the love life that you absolutely love is creating space for it. So that means that you're going to have to create space for your partner to have dinner with him every night. Right. To do things with him. And many love overachievers don't do this and wonder why it isn't happening for them. So part of my program is being able to actually set certain boundaries around work. Now I have a whole module about boundaries in my program, but in that boundary sections, we're not just talking about romantic or work boundaries, but we're also talking about boundaries with friends, boundaries with parents, boundaries with technology, and so much more. The women that come out of my program, I call boundary queens sometimes boundary bitches in the most positive way because they're able to really own their boundaries and all aspects of their life so that they can feel respected, relief and happiness. Right? Okay. The next sign of a love overachiever is that they tend to take risks to reach their love goals. Now, the need to achieve overachieve in love can become dangerous when people start engaging in risky and unethical behavior just in order to reach their goals. And love overachievers have a tendency to really set love goals that are unrealistic. They want to get married in Six months or nine months with, you know, someone that is from the same city that their dad is from and, you know, has to be, you know, basically their clone. I'm not saying it's impossible, but what I'm saying is that some of their goals are really improbable, and as a result, they may be willing to do almost anything to avoid failure and try to achieve that goal. So what does this look like? Oftentimes this looks like lots of dangerous behaviors around intimacy and sex, right? Where they're having sex with guys that they really don't want to. To try to keep them or rope them into, you know, the guy liking them.

In my program, we get super clear on your intimacy boundaries for every date. And I have an exact blueprint for how I want you to be dating from dates one to exclusivity. Right? And I know, based on the male psyche, that this is a really safe and healthy way to go to make sure that you are safe, but also to inspire him to want to do more for you and to feel connected to you. So I want to make sure that your intimacy boundaries are super clear and you understand why you may be feeling to. Why you may be feeling that you need to do certain things for certain reasons, regardless of the active or passive pressure that men may actually project. Okay, so the other sign of a love overachiever is that oftentimes they have outbursts of anger. And one of the reasons why I'm talking about this, look, losing your temper once in a while is super normal. But acting out inappropriately with little provocation can be a sign that you are putting too much pressure on yourself to achieve, like, the impossible. This is the same for dating and love. If you find yourself on an emotional roller coaster with men because things aren't going how you envision them to go, it's not attractive, and no one likes to feel like they are controlled or being controlled. And if there are unhinged emotions associated with that, it's an immediate red flag. To control these outbursts, though, it's important to find out where it's coming from and what the trigger is that's coming up for you. That's the only way that you can minimize the emotions that may try to overpower you. And generally, these anger, these outbursts are not about what's happening now. It's about what's happened in the past. So to really think back and understand, okay, this guy at work is, you know, talking over me, or this guy on the date is talking over me. This actually reminds me Of a time where I was always trying to express my emotions when I was a little girl, but my dad would talk over me and not listen to me. Right? That is the work that is necessary for you to help you kind of, you know, regulate some of. Some of these emotions that might be coming out. Okay. The other thing that I want to talk about is criticism.

And for. Because that's. If it's hard for you to take any sort of criticism, you may be a love overachiever, right? Criticism implies failure, and failure for the love overachiever is the greatest fear. And if you find yourself taking even, like, the smallest critiques personally, it might be a sign that you need to step back. This is all about managing your mind and not taking everything so personally, because here's the gag, girl. Most things are not about you. You're making them about you, but they're really not about you. They're about that other person. So getting clear about that is going to help you tremendously, and that's something that I help my clients do. Okay, we're almost done. I want to talk about two more things. The first one is about feeling satisfied. And oftentimes, love overachievers don't. They're never. They're never able to, like, settle down and just enjoy the present. Even if they are, they have achieved their goals. Oftentimes they're not taking the time to really enjoy their success. All that matters to them is, like, what comes next. So this happens a lot with my clients. I get, you know, 80% of my clients in amazing relationships. And once they're in that relationship, okay, they're like, what's next? What do I got to do? Okay, I got to say I love you. I got to move in. I got to get married. I got to get that proposal or engagement, right? I'm like, girl, calm the f down. Let's just enjoy this season, right? Which is a new budding relationship where you get to just figure out and get to know this other person that has shown up for you. Right.

Focusing on the next accomplishment is not how relationships work. And it's going to be important to find a couple of things. What actually satisfies you, and two, why you think you always have to strive for the next thing. We've got to learn what. What I call that contentment point, is in your love life so that when you get close to it, you don't want. You don't throw something away because it's not perfect. But if you're satisfied and you're content and you're happy. That is what's important. And I want to make sure that you're super clear on what that is so that when it is presented, you know, in front of your face, that you're not rejecting it. So it's all about that contentment point. And then lastly, being motivated by fear.

Most people are not necessarily working toward their goals. And this is totally true for love overachievers. They're often motivated by fear. Fear of failure, fear of letting other people down, fear of looking weak, fear of looking incompetent, fear of growing old alone. Those are the things that are driving their goals. But this type of motivation actually can create a source of anxiety, right? That you're so busy working so hard to try to avoid a negative outcome that it's like you always feel like this ravaged like animal is chasing you and it's making you run as hard as possible. This animal that we call fear. Right? We have to shift that focus though, and we have to shift it because this sort of avoidance based behavior often leads to distress and worry and negative feelings, all of which can have a detrimental impact on your self worth and your confidence. So we've got to be clear on what the goals are and create different reasons for each of those goals. Those reasons being focused on you and focused on not your deficiency, but your sufficiency. And that's what I do with my clients as well. Okay, so I've Talked about the 10 signs of being a love overachiever, right? We talked about, you know, caring about the outcome. We talked about perfectionism. We've talked about criticizing yourself, focusing on the future, working too damn much, taking risks to reach your goals. You know, anger outbursts, dealing with criticism or sensitivity to that. We've talked about never feeling satisfied and being motivated by fear. I know that this is like a lot of different signs and some of these might resonate with you. I'm sharing this because I want you to know that there's a different way to do this, right? And that the things that have created success in other parts of your life are not going to create success in your love life. So we've got to change these things so that you are reaching your goals, your love goals, quickly, effectively and safely. So that you're not like kicking yourself and hurting yourself and feeling bad about yourself every step of the way. And I know that some of the people that are listening to this are doing it in this way. And it's making dating and relationships and love exhausting and painful. And dating is supposed to be fun. So if you are interested in doing things a different way and feeling better about it, I want to invite you to book a call with me so that we can talk about what your current love overachiever signs are and how we can flip them on their heads and rock onto the safest, healthiest relationship of your life. All right my loves. I hope that this was helpful in creating awareness for perhaps some of the patterns that are not serving you so that you can do things a different way and be successful in love. I love love love you mucho and I'll talk with you soon. Bye now.

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