Lydia's Dating Journey

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can. You guessed it. Get your guy. Are you. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and welcome to the get your Guy coaching podcast. I am so, so happy to share a journey from one of my clients that is an amazing, amazing, amazing client of mine. Lydia, thank you so much for joining us today on this get your Guy coaching episode. How are you doing?

Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here. Thanks for having me, girl.

Of course. I can't. I'm so happy that you're here. Why don't you tell the people who you are, where you're located, how old you are, and maybe, like, what you do professionally?

Sure, I am. Well, I'm going to be 43 the end of this month. I was born and raised in Brooklyn. Right now I live in the Bronx, and I am a product manager.

I love it. Talk to me a little bit about.

Your love life before the program. What did it look like, girl? And why did you decide to book a consultation?

It was littered with all sorts of learning experiences. I got married very young. I was 20. I thought my life was set to a Marine. We got divorced at 21. And I was on this pace, like, I have to be married, buy and have kids at 25. And at this point, I was like, 22. And then I met a guy who was boring as hell. And I was like, this is a great guy. We don't fight. We have nothing to. We don't argue. It's not spicy. But he's a good man, and I'm going to cling on to him, right? And I did that for two and a half years.

He's a good man, Savannah.

Yeah. Yes, exactly. He showed up. There were things that he didn't do. But I thought, okay, well, I'm willing to, you know, compromise. But these were things. Like, we never went out on dates. He never attended weddings with me. We never went on vacations together, you know, And I was just like, okay, well, if that's the price that I have to pay to get a good man, then I'm going to do that. And then I said. I started talking. I said, maybe we should get a place together. And he's like, that's against my religion. And I'm like, you can come here and fuck you. You don't want to get an apartment together. And within two weeks, I left and moved down to dc. I said, I'm going to find my man down here at Chocolate City. Tons of professional men. It was really difficult down there. And I didn't have any relationships in the 10 years that I was down in D.C. with D.C. men. I had long distance relationships with New York men.

Law enforcement type guys. Just very. I was like, yeah, I'm into the alpha male. You know, I want a strong man, not like the guy I was just dating. Anyway, let me stop you right there.

Because I think actually a lot of listeners will relate to what you just said. One of the things that I know in doing this work for a while is when you are operating in your masculine so much, you will actually tend toward a more quote unquote alpha male because his uber masculinity will help you become or at least feel in your feminine. Right?

Yeah.

But sometimes that uber masculinity, if you already are high in your masculine energy, actually toxic masculinity. Right?

Yeah.

I'm so glad that you shared that because I'm sure that is so many women who just want to feel in their feminine but know how to do it and think that a man is going to do it for them instead of them to themselves.

Exactly, exactly.

Then I was in a. A long term relationship here in New York with a man who would not commit to me. I was getting older, in my 30s. I wanted to have children and I stuck around and I waited. I kept saying, hey, if you don't want to have kids or get married, that's fine. I'm really not going to be hurt. Just please let me know so that I can go find that with the person that wants the same things that I do. Oh, I do want those things. I want those things with you. Trust me. Believe me. It's just not the right time right now. Seven years later, you know, I was like, okay, this is not happening. Right. And I left and I actually found out that he fathered a child with someone else while we were together. So he cheated on me and then had a kid with someone else that tore me apart.

Yeah.

But again, I was still clinging on to it. I said, maybe if I accept him for that, he's going to see that no one else is going to accept him for it. I got to stay with Lydia because who's going to want to Hear and deal with that stuff. She loves me. He's always been by my side. And I said, no, that's not what I want. That's not what I want.

Yeah.

And after that, it was trying to really get it together with dating and finding someone that wanted the same things as me. But I was insecure to say, hey, I want to get married and have kids. Because everyone on these online dating apps is like, oh, I'm just into casual. I want casual. I want casual. I just want to go with the flow. And I was like, yeah, I'll go with the flow because I'm so amazing. And they're going to fall in love with me and they're going to just get into a relationship with me because I'm amazing. So, yeah, when they needed more time. Take all the time you need, honey. You'll realize that I'm amazing. You'll. You'll come around.

Also, also, also what happens is because so many of us high achieving individuals are so used to proving ourselves at school and at work, this is the. I'll make you love me. I'll prove my worth to you so that you can see my amazingness and be with me.

Exactly.

A lot. Yeah.

Yeah. And in these, these last 10 years, you know, I did a lot of work on my mental health as well, learning how to speak up for myself. And that was part of the reason why I exited that seven year relationship because I was able to say, this is not what I really want. And I started doing that, you know, standing up for myself in my professional life and negotiating salaries for myself instead of just taking whatever offer they gave me. So I was doing all of that work outside of my relationships. But then in my relationships, I was just like buckling under any kind of pressure that was coming my way, thinking that I needed to be passive and just do whatever they want or else they're gonna not want to be with me because they don't want any drama. Right?

Yeah.

So I was like, I, I don't know what else to do. I, I hired a matchmaker. I figured maybe I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. Let me give a professional a chance.

Can you please talk to them about your experience, matchmaker? Yes. I'm trying, I'm trying to scre the rooftops that matchmaking is not for. It's not a beautiful black woman.

No, I, I was really excited to start the matchmaking process because I was like, I'm amazing. They're going to find all these amazing guys for me. But as I found out after several dates and after getting ghosted after the first date, although they said, yeah, I would go out with her again, I was like, I don't know what kind of question she's asking these men. How is she really making sure that they want the same things that I do? You know, I don't want someone that's open to marriage. I want someone that is actively searching for that. I want someone that wants that and is searching for that. Not someone that's, hey, if it comes along, it comes along. If it happens, it happens. And, you know, I. I kept giving her that feedback because when I would ask these guys on our date, I'm like, so how's your dating experience going? Oh, I haven't been on a date in so long. I'm like, okay, this is his first date. And how, you know, I don't want. I don't want that. So a few thousand dollars later and no connections, I was like, you know, I told myself that that would be it, that I would be done, but I was like, no, I really want love, and I'm going to continue to find for it. So I was on TikToks watching all sorts of videos about dating and this and that, and I saw yours. And yours was the only one that I felt spoke to professional black woman who's dating online apps. You know, how. How our. Our lives growing up affected us and how they molded us into who we are today. And I was like, oh, my God. And I watched so many of your videos. I was like, this is amazing. I'm going to book a consultation with him. And I remember our consultation. I remember. I don't know if you remember. I. 10 minutes in, you said, okay, I'm gonna. It's been 10 minutes in, and I haven't been able to say one thing. So I was like, oh, okay. I thought I was letting you know all about me because I was, like, giving you my entire life story. You're like. And I was. You said that's when you were talking about the masculine, feminine energy. And this whole time I thought I was feminine, right? I thought I was feminine because I'm girly, I'm pretty, I wear makeup, I wear. I thought that was feminine energy. I didn't know what that meant. And it wasn't until you said, no, you need to give space to allow a man to do these things. That was the first time that I was, like, sitting and quietly waiting for, you know, responses, you know, during phone calls. And on dates and things like that, I'm always comfortable with silence. But it was different when I was actively not speaking just because I had something to say, but I wanted to give them space to say it.

So I love that you're bringing this up, and I love it because this is not something that is your experience and your experience alone. I think that there are a lot of black and brown women out there that women of color, specifically all women of color that.

Want to be heard, because when we grow up, it's hard for us to actually truly be heard. Anytime you want to speak, it is taken as disrespect or talk back or what have you. And so there are no opinions. Correct. And so I just think it's important, like, that we understand that there. There are things that create how we are now. Right. And so, like, in these consultation calls, like, I don't. Sometimes people come for me on these consultation calls. Girl. I don't take it personally because I know that there's conditioning and programming that comes from it. And there's always. Our job is just to get curious around those things. And that's really the intention of the consultations, ultimately, when I'm explaining this, because I think there's women out there that are like, well, what are we going to talk about in the consultation? We're going to talk about your love life. We're going to talk about where the opportunities are to take you from where you are now to being in a great relationship and what needs to happen. Okay. So you were talking a lot on the consultation call and you were called out.

Yeah, yeah.

How are you? How are you feeling while you were on the consultation call?

I was like, there was anticipation. Like, I couldn't wait to get started. Right. I couldn't wait to, like, dig into my dating life the way that I dug into my mental health life. Right. I was like, I am the problem. I am the problem. I am the problem because I pick these men, I date these men, I stay with these men. And I allowed that behavior to happen, thinking that that's what I had to do. But I was like, no, I'm getting older and I don't want to. I don't want to do that anymore. I want. I want an amazing, beautiful, loving relationship.

Yeah, definitely. So.

Were there certain things within the consultation call that was like, yeah, I want to sign up, or had you already made your decision that you were going to sign up?

I pretty much had my decision. As long as I felt like you weren't unprofessional. Which you never were. You know, that was. I felt like you heard me, that you listened to me, that you knew exactly where I was coming from. You know, you understood my background. And I mean, I had a consultation with you because I wanted to sign up. You know, I had already wasted. Not that I was going to waste money with you, but I already flushed never down the thousands of dollars down the toilet with a matchmaker. What, I mean, what else, what else could there be? Let's. Let's do it.

Yeah, this is the last.

This is the last. I mean, what else is there after that? There's nothing else. There's nothing else for me to do.

Yeah, definitely. So talk to me about starting the program. Yeah. So we start the program, we do our one on one and then we get into some of these group calls and we get into some of these one on one office hour calls. Talk to me about that experience. Especially at the very beginning, I felt.

Very welcomed by the group. I was excited to join. I loved our conversations.

It was amazing to see other women just like me going through the same things just like me, having the same thoughts just like me, you know, and it was the first time that I was in that space where I saw that, you know, you hear friends and, you know, a lot of my friends are married, so I don't get to talk to this, talk to them about this stuff. But being in a space with other women just like me in my age group that are doing the same things, very professional, very successful, but can't just make it work in their relationship, that was. I felt like I found my tribe, like I found my people that are going to help me get to where I need to be.

This is so important. And one thing that I just want to share is so many people feel like, oh my God, I don't know why this is taking me so long or, you know, I should have been married at this age. For all of the ladies that are listening out there, please understand, the majority of my clients are between the ages of 30 and 50. And the reason is, is don't let media fool you. This expectation that you're going to get married between the ages of 25 and 35 is a white girl's dream. And I'm not saying that to say not. I'm not saying that to say that a black or brown woman cannot get married at that time. But what I'm seeing is that most black and brown women are getting married between the ages of 30 and 45. Right. And I'm sharing this Because I think it's important to reframe what this timeline is going to be because as you said, you know, you were having this pressure and feeling like, well, what the hell's wrong with me? What's going on with me?

Right.

Certain challenges both externally and sometimes internally that we. You'll have to work through to get there. So I wanted to offer that to the listeners as well, that, like, it's not too late, that there's a different timeline and we gotta run our own race here. Yeah. I'm so glad that you felt in community with a lot of other women that were between the ages of 35 and 45, because that is the core age.

I thought I would be like the old woman in the group. No, I'm right in there with everybody else. And it's a. It's so. It feels.

Yeah, 100%. So talk to me about some of the things that you learned that maybe you hadn't necessarily learned or mastered before. Because you said that you had gone to therapy and you worked through quite a number, number of different things, able to really level up in this program.

The idea that I don't have to keep the conversation going. I'm a social butterfly. I love, I love to talk. So when, you know, a guy says something and they don't ask a question, I asked another question, like, hey, let's keep this going. Let's keep it going, keep it going, keep it going. They haven't asked for my number. Hey, give me a number, Text me, let's call, let's go out for dinner. Because I'm so used to being a go getter. So I just go for it, go for it, go for it. And what I realized that my behavior was doing was attracting men that didn't do anything. I did all the work.

Yeah.

And then when I needed them to do something for me, they're just like, meh. And I'm like, how could you say no? Look at all the stuff that I do for you. How could you? Like what, what kind of crap? You know? And I just realized that now it's like, no, I gotta let them pursue me. I have to, like, be patient and wait and make sure that they're answering questions and being respectful. And if they make a sexual joke, I can just be like, lol. Oh, you're so funny. Lol. No, that's rude. And I never liked it. Yeah, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. It was about finding my own, what, how I felt about stuff. Because I always knew how I felt about things, but I didn't know if it was. If I was like, sensitive or. Or whatever, but, you know, I always said to myself, the person that's going to love me is going to love me for me. And that's the work that I've done in the last 10 years. It's being my authentic self. Because the people that I want in my life are the people that want to be here. I don't want to be fake and have fake friends in my life.

Yeah.

But relationships, I wasn't doing that. So it was about being like, sitting and sitting and waiting for the response. Like, like I said. So it was a lot of me not driving everything. Yeah, yeah.

Getting out of that masculine energy.

The.

The crazy thing about making things happen and driving things, obviously you get compensated for that. When you are working, you get more for that. So you feel like, oh, that's going to work in all areas of my life. In this area, it actually works against you. And the crazy thing about making things happen in your love life is it actually tricks your brain into thinking that he likes you more than he actually does. Because if he did, you wouldn't have to do all of these things. He would do it ultimately.

Right.

The fact that you texted him and then you called him and then suddenly you're on the phone, your brain is going to make you think, oh, my God, we're connected to the phone. We're together. Right. And so you think, like, it's about, like, what happens in the result. And we ignore how we got to the. Yeah, yeah. And so I'm so glad that we were able to kind of practice that and really sit in our feminine energy and be treated like the queen that we are. Because you are a queen, ultimately.

Yeah. I loved, I love that. That whole notion of, I'm the queen. Nobody just gets to talk to the queen. I was. I just finished watching Bridgerton. I'm like, no one got to talk to Queen Elizabeth. Like, you had to wait. You couldn't just go into the castle and. No. So these guys treat them the same way. Yeah. You gotta wait here. Here's when you can talk to me. And outside of that. No, you can't.

Yeah. What are some of the other things that you've learned in this program that have been really helpful for you?

Learning the difference between vulnerability and being open. Right. So I was confusing vulnerability. I knew that there was difference between vulnerability and oversharing. Right. So I have a lot of stuff about me that's very deep that I have no problem with discussing with people, but that doesn't mean that I need to tell everybody that. Right. So learning how to express my feelings was a different way of thinking about how am I going to share who I really am with this person without letting them know my entire life? So that was something that I had to reframe and a lot of the work that I've done with making sure that I knew instead of making assumptions, right. Oh, these guys aren't liking me back. They don't want to date me. I, you know, nobody ever answers me because they don't want someone like me. That's not, that's not necessarily true. There's all reasons why they might not have gotten back to you. Right. It's not because they don't like you. It's not because you're black or overweight or 43 or whatever. It could be, whatever, you know. So it was about.

Learning how to communicate how I'm feeling about it and not just saying I'm mad, you know, really peeling back. What kind of mad are you?

Yeah.

Frustrated. Are you? Do you feel let down, Disappointed? What? Not just mad. Right. So learning how to clearly communicate how you're feeling instead of just like a blanket statement like, I'm sad, you know, I feel, I feel despair. I feel, you know, different ways of communicating how I feel about things. So that, and I forget the other thing I said, but just, you know, learning how to communicate and also making sure that I was using, Reframing my thoughts and what I was saying to myself about myself.

Yes. Mindset, confidence. I love that so much. Good girl. I'm so happy to hear this. So you got your guy, and you got your guy fairly early within the program. So tell us about how you got your guy, girl, and then we'll talk a little bit about how your experience has been while you've been with your guy.

So I, I, I applied your, your dating strategy, and he was one of the ones that were caught, you know, that were in my net. Yes, ma'.

Am. We love to catch the good ones, the big ones. Yeah, that will feed us.

So I, I remember, I remember you saying, like, don't get, like, after your first day, be like, I'm marrying him. But I seriously, like, I was like, I really like that guy. Right? And I, I said, okay, but you like him, but see what else is out there. Continue to do the work.

That's right.

Continue to touch other people. You know, compare. See, how does he make you feel? Does he make you laugh? How do you, you know, all these other things? And throughout the process he kept just getting through and making it to the next step. Yeah, right. He was doing all the things to be a quality man. That is, you know, according to the program, this is what a great guy, someone that's going to be in a loving, committed relationship with you, that knows you, that knows your expectations, that is going to want to be with you. So, you know, after a couple of months, we got to that point where we had decided, are we going to be exclusive or not? And I already knew that I wanted to. Right. But I also wanted to set the expectation, like, this is what a relationship is going to look like for me. This is how you've made me feel up until this point. What do you think about that? How do you feel about it? And yeah, we decided that we're going to be exclusive. So it's been a couple of months.

Yeah. And just before you go on, I want to just clarify that before we even approach this exclusivity conversation, one, we get super clear on what our actual needs, our deep relationship needs are. And we race the guy based on these needs. And that is something that is very individualistic for each and every woman. And it's different. And he has to be able to, on a scale from 0 to 10, be either a 9 or a 10. All of those. And if it's anything less, we do not, we are not exclusive with him. That's number one. Number two, one of the things that we also do is practice and role play. Having this exclusivity conversation with my 5 to 6 point framework of how to conduct such a conversation, which is super important because that is a verbal contract and we have to treat it as such. It's not like we're in junior high and we do one dance with a boy and suddenly we're going out with them or we walk home one day and suddenly we're together. Right. It's a little bit different than that. And if we're not well experienced in dating, we may not know how to have that conversation. So I just wanted to share that because I think it's an important part of the program that it doesn't just teach you how to date, it teaches you how to get into a relationship as well and how due diligence, that's necessary.

Right. And I think that was something that I was looking forward to in the program, was identifying my dating needs. I'm like, maybe I think I need these things, but I actually need something completely different.

Yes, ma'. Am. Yeah.

And when I did that exercise and that work, I was like, okay, I do need a lot of attention. I didn't think of myself as someone that needed lots of attention. I do. I totally. I definitely do.

I'm so glad that you're saying this on this podcast, and it's one of the things that, in that session that we talked about, I was telling everyone that most of y' all probably need a lot of attention. But it sounds like kind of. It feels and sounds messy to admit it, but you got to own the fact that you need attention. Many of us with enough attention, unfortunately, but both parents were working and were stressed, and so many of us used books and TV and sports and school to fill time and attention. Really, we needed more attention. So if you are that girl who needs attention and you're listening, own the fact that you need attention. And please, please be cognizant of that as you're evaluating men. Is he giving me the attention that I need?

Right. Yeah.

Thank you for sharing that, because I think it's so important, and so many people try to act like they don't need attention, and when the guy doesn't give attention, they are all butthurt. Yeah.

Why isn't he. I'm amazing. Why isn't he talking to me all the time?

100%.

Yeah.

Good. Okay. So you're in an exclusive relationship with Sky. It's been a couple of months. One of the things that I think is so important, and this isn't something that I really do, I don't really advertise publicly, but there is also a relationship program for my clients. I get into relationships because every week there's at least one or two women that are getting into relationships in the program. So we have a support while you're in the relationship, because so many of us maybe don't have a lot of experience being in a relationship, and I want to make sure that we're doing it well.

Right? Yeah.

So talk to me a little bit about your experience while in a relationship.

So.

I attended my first relationship group with with you guys last night, and the thing that I went in there, thirsty to know, like, am I being a good girlfriend? Am I being a good partner to my guy? Am I ignoring things now that I'm in a relationship with him that I wouldn't have ignored before we had our exclusivity conversation. So I have learned a couple of things about how to communicate after being in a relationship that I, you know, I tried last night, you know, and he felt really, really good about what I said to him, but I always give him Tons of, you know, compliments. But this one just hit differently because of the way that you constructed the way to give the compliment. You know, he felt really validated in a way, you know, that he hadn't felt before.

So. And I'm learning that I still have to continue to set boundaries in a relationship.

Yeah, yeah. And just, you know, I was. I told you that I was. I was afraid of coming across as, like, stubborn or, you know, not willing to compromise or whatever. So I was just saying, yes, yes, yes to everything. But now I'm like, I don't want. I don't want to do that. So how do I say I don't. I don't want to drive all the way to downtown. I don't want to. I don't want to do that.

I love this so much because it generally happens is you date. You date well, and then you get into a relationship, and then the old person comes back. All the old habits and patterns, because that's how you did before, and you don't know how to do a relationship any other way.

Right.

So it's so small and so natural. And that's one of the reasons why we support women in relationships so that we can continue to do this differently and better, ultimately. Yeah, definitely. So I'm so glad that you're sharing this because it's an important. It's an important fact that I think everyone needs to know. Like, just because you get into a relationship doesn't mean that the work is over. It actually intensifies.

Yeah.

And the work is difficult. I was saying last night, this is. This is Honors AP. This is not 101. Right.

I cried last night, like, you know, sharing some experiences, you know, and I hadn't cried in months. Not that I cry all the time, but, you know, saying something about, like, who I am as, you know, growing up and. And why I needed this attention or. Or how I feel about giving compliments. How I felt. Yeah. I love giving people compliments because I know it makes them feel good. But there's a better way that you can do it. Right. And think about the people that did make me feel that way. And that's what was really, you know, really hit for me. But, yeah, I'm excited to continue to do the work because I know it's. It's. I know it's not like. Okay, got my guy. Bye. Thanks, Anwar.

Yeah.

Talk to you later. No, no, I know. It's still. It's still a lot of work on. On myself, on. On him and us together.

As a, as a couple, that's what it's all about. That me, he, and we, that we talk about so often. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Now, before we go, what would you say to anyone who's kind of thinking about the program, maybe is on the fence, doesn't know whether they should do a consultation or not? Like, when it comes to the get.

Your guy program, I always say, just in general, if you're thinking about doing something, do it. Try it. See what happens, right? What are you going to do if you're stuck between point A and point B? And point A is where you really want to be? Try it. Try to see. If we go for point A, you might actually make it and be like, I could have been doing this the whole time, right? So I always say, if you want to do something, do it. If it doesn't work for you, then it won't, but at least, you know, you tried, right? But basically, as, as a black woman, I, I found that it was important for me to find someone that got it, that understood that growing up, we didn't know how to express our feelings. We would, we, we had, we had feelings, we just really couldn't express them. You know, it was. I'll give you something to cry about. And I was just, like, so confused. Like, what do you mean? Like, I'm crying because I'm sad. Why are you going to spank me for that? This program is not about the guy, per se. There is work about the guy. You know, you're evaluating the guy, but the work is more about you. So when you go to, to your sessions with the group, you're going to talk about yourself, you're going to talk about the guy a little bit, but it's more about how did you, what did you learn about yourself this week? It's, it's, it's about you. It's not about, did your guide. Check this box, Check that box. Check that. You know, it's like, how did you feel when he did that? How did you feel? How do you feel about that situation? How do you feel when he said that? Not just. Did he, you know, do this for you? Okay, so he moves. No. So it's, it's a lot of work about you. And that's just a part of my life that I, that I hadn't tapped into. And I didn't realize that I hadn't tapped into it until I started the program. I thought I had it all together.

Don't we all, girl, don't we all.

I was like, something's missing somewhere. So yeah.

Yeah, definitely. Thank you so much for being on this podcast. This has been amazing. Thanks for having me and I appreciate your time and also you just sharing your experience with the listeners out there. I think it's important for them to know like what to expect because I don't know what a dating coach is, what, what the experience, what the process is going to look like, what sort of kind of work we're going to do. So these sorts of episodes really do give them a glimpse into like what it really looks like and feels like to be a part of the program. So I want to thank you for that so much. Thank you coming to your city. So I will see you this weekend with at least 10 other ladies in the city and we're going to have an amazing dinner. This is part of the program as well that I try to travel as much as I can to see my CL and engage with them in real life. So I'm looking forward to that as well.

I'm so excited. I can't wait. And thank you for, for giving me an opportunity to. To share my experience because I think it is important for people to know exactly what it's like, you know. So thank you.

Sure. All right, all right, all right. Thank you so much everyone for listening to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. If you are interested in doing this work, definitely book a call with me and we will see if it's a good fit at the end of the day. Much love to you all. Bye Bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts talk.

Sa.