Managing Your Mind w Brig

Oh, and also, so how do you want me to introduce you? Brig Johnson, life coach extraordinaire. I don't. Oh, master life coach. Congratulations on that.

Yes, Master life coach. Master certified life coach.

Yes, master. Master certified life coach. Helping high achieving women become unfuck withable.

Yes. Yes.

Okay. Anything else you want me to say? Because I don't really. I don't really go into. I let people talk about themselves and so that's what I'm going to let you do. Okay, that's fine.

Hello, my loves. I am so happy that you have decided to join me today. I have a very special guest and she is going to knock your socks off. And I'm not trying to blow you up, Brig, but I think you're amazing. And I know that my listeners are going to think that you're amazing too. So I have Brig Johnson here. She is master certified life coach, and she helps high achieving women become un. Fuck with able Brick girl. Thank you so much for being here. And tell everybody what you do.

I think that's it. Right? I'm Brit Johnson, life and mindset coach for high achieving black women. And I just work on their inner game. Like, we work so much on our outer game and we have all the trappings of success. Success. But yet we reach this point where what we've been doing haven't. Hasn't been working.

Yeah.

And that's when it's time to bring in some other tools. And that's the inner game. Yeah.

I love that.

I help him. That, like.

Thanks.

Yeah, I'm on a podcast now. I texted you saying to go into the back.

Okay.

Sorry about that. All right, girl, let's get into it.

No problems. Okay.

So, Bray, tell me why. Talk to me about why your work is so important. I know why it's important, but talk to me about why black women need to level up their inner game or at least acknowledge it and understand what's going on there.

Yeah, because, like, we have used all the tools that have been taught to us on how to, like, survive, how to. How to, like, get things, how to have things, how to be. But, like, we haven't been taught and given the skills on how to thrive, which is a different set of skills. Like, we know how to hustle, we can out hustle, we can out maneuver out. I love us. I just. I think we're the best. Right?

Me too, girl. I think that's why we work with. That's why I think we work with black women.

Right?

Right. Like, I want us to rest. I Want us to have. I want us to be and not do all the time. And I actually think when we do that, we make more money and we impact the world so much more.

I love that. So talk to me a little bit about. About this inner game. What are parts of this inner game that we have to master? Girl, that we haven't been taught?

Right? Like, really understanding that at some point our thoughts, really, our thoughts are key because we have, like been doing, doing, doing, and to get off the hamster wheel. Because most of my clients are on a hamster wheel, like success, success. And like just on a hamster wheel. And they're tired, but they think. They think when they get off the hamster wheel, that means their success stops. And I'm like, no, that's when you, like, exponentially grow. But that's because you're leveraging your thoughts and the power of your thoughts and your mind. And I show them how to do that. One of the things I think the black women we get to do is to actually understand the cultural conditioning that we have received from without our knowledge. Because it's just in the ethos that we're inferior, that we have to work harder, that we're not beautiful inherently. Like, all of the things that we're taught that keep us on the treadmill, like, don't. Like even just the desire to be in the spotlight is shunned. Like, no. Because that's not seen as safe. But yet in order to do the things that we want to do, it's the sh. It's to set a spotlight on us. Even like your clients, like, put a profile up is to be in the spotlight and that, like, we've been taught inherently that to shine a light on us, fly on the radar is what we've been told. Right. So it's understanding those thoughts and how they show up and play out in our everyday lives, especially. Especially when we want to go to a next level.

Yeah. I tell my clients all the time, you need to be self centered in this love game. Like they say in Grey's Anatomy, you're the sun. Right. So everything has to revolve around your thoughts, your energy, your feelings. And if it's not happening that way, there is a major problem. And your relationships are probably not going to serve you in the highest level. Right. I think that we see our mothers and our grandmothers and they gave to, you know, their husbands, their children, the company. Right. Or even our grandmothers or great grandmothers gave to the white families. Right. The white children. Right. So we Saw this giving, giving, giving. And so we always, I think, at least for my clients, that pathology has kind of come down to a point where we have equated, like, that's what love is, to give to others, but not necessarily ourselves. And part of the work I do is really focus on. No, it starts with you and then kind of exudes outward naturally and not necessarily like you having to kind of take away from you. What are your thoughts on that, girl?

Oh, yeah, I love that. Like, I put a quote on my face on my Instagram, like, the sun doesn't give a fuck. Can I cuss?

Girl, you can do whatever the hell you want to do, girl. We are running things up in this shit, girl. We are going to do whatever the hell we want to do. We are going to say whatever we want to say today. It is our time, girl. As we know.

Good, good, good.

Yes.

So the sun doesn't give a fuck if it outshines the moon. It just does its job. And because it does its job, we all benefit if we stop worrying about outshining other people. And like, like, oh, I'm being selfish. Like, no, like, I like to tell people, like, how is it the best thing for your employers, your family, your significant other and for you that you put. You think that me putting me first actually hurts my employer? That's the best thing I can do for my employee. Because when I show up, I'm showing up at my best. You're given. I'm giving you my best.

Yeah.

And the best relationship we can have is the relationship with ourselves, definitely.

So for the listeners out there that haven't been able to do this right for their entire life, how can they kind of reframe or change their perspective to make them number one, Right? The gold medalist versus the bronze medalists are not even on the podium.

Right. I think it start. I think the quality of our life is the quality of our questions. And so start by asking themselves and getting really curious about why do I think the way I think? Why is it that, like, why is my worth tied to how much I give? Where does that come from? Like, when we really start understanding, like, why can't I, like, why am I not considered beautiful? Why is it that they get it and I don't. Like, just start asking why? And a lot of times you'll find out that it is a patriarchal old view way of doing things that benefited everybody but yourself, but us as black women especially. And when you understand that, then you're like, I don't want to Keep thinking those same thoughts. Like, I don't want to continue to guide my or measure my success by those values. They weren't made for me in the first place.

Right. Yeah. So I think a lot of times what happens, especially for my smart and successful women out there, is that we actually. They actually shy away from, from even trying to even think about those things. So that's like, you know, blinders on. Let me focus on my goals. I don't want to even think about all of the patriarchal bullshit, the. All of that. Like, I just want to. I want to get my money right. I've gotten this education right. I created this brand for myself for my entire life. I'm one of the few people in my family to actually, quote, unquote, make it right. I can't. I don't have time. I don't have energy to even go into that realm. What do you tell them? How do you. How can we convince them to go there? Girl.

I think, I think. I think we can't convince them. I think they have to convince themselves. I think when, when we get to a point when we're like, tired or we're. We're not liking the results that we're creating, that's the point where we're like, wait a minute. And so we know, like, as your listeners know, when it's time for them to, like, what I'm doing ain't working. Like, because right. When we're on that path and, like, we're making it and we're got it, and we got this, and like, we're the only one in the family, but yet you go home and you're not feeling fulfilled. That's your key. That's your sign. Like, you get the new car, you got the red bottoms, you got, you got the new promotion, you got the money in your bank that you thought or you're debt free. Now you Dave Ramsey in it. Like, you understand all of that. And yet you're still, you're still like, I don't feel happy. There's no happiness. There's no contentment. Then that's when the student is ready. Right? There's no convincing that we can do. They have to be ready. But when they're ready. Oh, yes.

Right.

Yeah. So I want everyone out there to just hear that, right? To be asking yourself these questions, but also to understand and really check in with yourself about whether, are you happy? Are you fulfilled? Right. Do you have joy?

Right?

If those answers are no, then we have to start really asking ourselves our questions of why? Right? You mentioned something really interesting earlier about creating your results. Can you speak on that, girl? Because I think that individuals perhaps think that their hard work creates the results that they. That they actually attain.

Right? It's when we understand how powerful our thoughts are. Like, our brain has a part of. Of it called the reticular activating system. I'm not going to get real technical with y', all, so don't worry. But it has a part in the brain that.

Oh, just FYI, Brigg has a medical experience, has major medical experience, so she knows what she's talking about.

Yeah, right. Like, when you ask your brain to find me this, even if it's like, I don't want this. What your brain sees is like, okay, it's going to give it to you. So you create your results by what you're concentrating on, what you. What you're giving your energy on. We've all heard that that quote, this is what you think about expands. So if you're thinking about your lack of. If you're thinking about what you don't have, that expands, because that's what you just told your brain to go find you. I call it playing fetch with your brain. Like, it's like, go fetch me this. Because that's what you've thought of, and the brain is going to show it to you. So for your clients, there's no good Black men. Okay, baby, guess what? Your brain getting ready to show you everything. So you've basically created that reality, and you miss, like, you. Your brain actually does put blinders on because there's like, 70,000 different, like, thoughts that we have. And there's all this, like, even us in this room right now, there's things that's going on that our brain is filtering out for us because we've said, I'm on a podcast. I want to pay attention to this. But there's people walking down my street that I'm not paying attention to. There's, like, there's noises going on that I'm not paying attention to. Our brain filters out based on what we set the intention on. If I was saying what's outside, then my brain would go there and start looking, and I would hear the people outside. It's the same thing with our life. How we think about things and how we language things is what we see, but it's also what creates our feelings and our emotions, and that determines what we do and how we show up. And those are our habits which create our reality, too. So it's like our brain does it two ways. It creates our feelings, so we create our habits. And it also creates our vision of what we see. The evidence too.

I love that.

That was a long explanation. I'm sorry.

Oh no, girl, I know everybody needs to hear this. What are you talking about, girl? We people need to understand that it really does start with your thoughts. Like I think people are like especially black women.

Actually.

I don't even think that they're very much conscious. Obviously I'm generalizing here, but conscious that like their thoughts are so powerful. Right. I think that a lot of us, you know, black people, but black women go from the emotion, right. And I'm feeling a certain kind of way. Right. And like from there, like start navigating their lives but realizing that the thought actually like informs the emotion and the feeling, I think is such an aha moment for so many people out there that maybe have never even thought about it that way.

Yes, it's totally. And like for. For your audience, it's like, how do they want to show up? How do they want to feel? Going through the dating process is determined. How they feel is determined by their thoughts through it. Not whether or not the guy swipes or says or text back or anything. It's like they. It's really the most empowering thing you can do is when you realize that you can just. You control how you feel always not based on whether someone picks you, not pick you. Whether you're home alone or you're out on a date. You control how you feel. And it's the most empowering thing that I think we give our clients is the power to control your thoughts, which gives you back the power in your life.

I love that. And that is a really great segue into actually dating. Right. That I have so many women that come to me or just I have conversations with and they're scared to even put their. Put themselves out there at all. Even if it's in a small way. Right. I think sometimes some of the things that I'm hearing. Right. Some of the thoughts that are going on in a lot of my clients heads are.

There are not a lot of great men out there. It's a pandemic. People are not trying to date. They're also saying like, I don't like online dating or you know, I'm not ready. Right. Even though they may be ready, like they haven't been ready for eight or 10 years now or a variety of different thoughts that they're having around. Right. Hindering them from putting themselves out there like that. I think I want to speak specifically about black women. Like, what do you think that is for black women per se? And how, what, I guess, advice would you have for helping black women kind of overcome some of those thoughts that might be hindering them from their ultimate love goals and at least that first baby step.

Right. I like to talk about that. The think, feel, act cycle. Like how we think determines how we feel and then we act a certain way. So, like, if you're thinking there's no good black men out there, then you're going to feel discouraged. Well, when you feel discouraged, like all your listeners, like right now, think about it. If I'm feeling discouraged, how am I going to show up to the dating process?

Right.

As opposed to if I'm feeling hopeful or confident, how am I going to show up to the dating process? Just that right there, just the act, the think, feel, act cycle shows you, like, oh, if I'm feeling this way, that's how I'm going to show up. If you're feeling like I'm not ready, how are you going to show up? Is non committal and you're not going to be ready. Like you're, you're going to act like a person who's not ready. But if you're thinking, you know what, I'm ready, I'm just going to decide who I am is enough right now. I'm ready. Then how do you feel just languaging it that way. What's the difference in your feeling? Like they can do that right now while we're talking, it's like think of one way and then think of a different way to say it and see if you can produce a different emotion and think about how you would show up to the dating process through those two different types of emotions.

Yeah, definitely. When I think of black women dating specifically, and I guess just in general in life, as the master certified life coach that you are, I think that there's a huge.

Theme around worthiness and sufficiency. Right. And I think as we're talking about putting ourselves out there, that sometimes it can feel like I also don't want to put myself out there because I don't want the evidence of someone not wanting to be with me. Evidence that I'm not potentially, I'm using quotation marks, people worthy or sufficient to love or be loved. What are your thoughts around that?

Right. I think the most important person that you need to feel worthy from is yourself. Worthy and love from yourself. So first and foremost, and I'm sure you, I know you speak to this is to like, to accept that from yourself. But worthiness is one of those tricky things, is we basically just get to decide I'm worthy.

That's it. Because it's given at birth. It's like anything. It's not taken away from us, it's that away. We don't take away from it. It's not a addition subtraction. It's not earned. It's not like you don't get demerit it. It is like your right from birth. So at some point you just decide, I don't care how I feel. I don't care what the world tells me. I get to decide I'm worthy. It is as powerful as that. It is a decision.

I may feel like, I don't know what I mean, like, whatever, but I am worthy. And you just practice that. Like, no, I'm gonna say it. I'm worthy. That's it. Like, and it is just that simple. It's like there's no magic formula to it. I was worthy at birth, I'm worthy now. That's it. And you just continue to work on that. The sufficiency is. Is like, we just get to feel like we are enough. And you practice that. That's something I think we create. We create that through living our lives and like realizing I like to. I like to show people their sufficiency and by showing them when they're outsourcing that to somebody else, what do you get, like, by again those. Again those powerful questions, like, if the guy returned the phone call, what do I get to think as opposed to, he didn't return the phone call. Right. What do I get to think about myself if he returned a phone call, oh, he likes me. Okay, what do I. What do I get to feel because he likes me, I get to feel like, worthy or confident or whatever. And my thing is like, okay, so you just outsourced source that to him. You can feel that way now. What can you think about yourself to get that same feeling as opposed to outsourcing it, whether or not he returns the call or not, Right?

Yes, exactly. It's exactly how I think about it too. Right. And I think it's a boundary issue. Right. What he does is on his island. And what you do, how you feel, how you think is on your island. And if you go on over to his island, right? You're out of bounds, right? You doing something that is not where you're supposed to be. I'm in Canada right now. If I wanted to jump over to the US without my passport, I'd be out of bounds. Right. And I think it's the same thing here as well. I wanted to talk a little bit more about worthy because I think specifically with black women, there is something to be said for this level of perfection. Right. That I think is.

Unspoken. Right. And a lot of different families, meaning, like I think we see our mothers and even our grandmothers, but more so our mothers, where they had to go through a different kind of society. And because of that, that society has told them exactly what's wrong, quote unquote, what's wrong with them. And so oftentimes in their daughters, they demand perfection. You gotta have your hair together at all times, you gotta have every dress perfect, right? Those stockings, not one little run, right. Those Mary Jane shoes. Gotta be together every Sunday. For church, you gotta be looking tip top. For school, you gotta be tip top, right? You have to be perfect, you have to do this, you have to do that. Right? Because of this void in some of our previous generations where one, they didn't have the same opportunities that we had. But. But also because.

There was this communication.

This voice, this societal voice telling them that what they were doing was not ideal or not correct. What are your thoughts on that and how that potentially passes down to dating or in general for black women?

Yeah, I think as black women especially, I think we shouldered a responsibility to disprove the inherent belief that black people are inherently inferior. So because we believe that we are responsible for disproving that stereotype or that belief or that ideology, then we hold ourselves to a better, a higher standard. Because if we go out not representing our best, then somebody will say that's proof that we are not.

Equal. Right. So it's been passed on from generation to generation because it was like we had to prove our equality by how we behaved. So it's like not just get on an airplane, but get on an airplane with your Sunday best. Not just go to the grocery store, but go to the grocery store and your kids act in line. Because if your kids did not act or misbehave and threw the tantrum, that was more believe or that was more evidence. So what we tried to do was manage other people's opinions of us by overperforming. Right now we still do that as high achieving women. We still try to manage other people's thoughts about us by over performing. It hadn't worked in 400 years. It is not going to work now. We can stop that. Like we can stop overperforming we worthiness and trying to Be the best of the best. We don't have anything to prove. It was never ours to disprove in the first place because it is a myth. It was like we didn't ever have to accept that in the first place, but we did. Our ancestors took that on, but that's something we don't have to continue doing.

Yeah, I love that. And it's the same with dating as well. Right. Black women will. And obviously I'm generalizing here, but will become performative in a lot of different ways because they're trying to prove I'm worthy of love. Right. I got my stuff together. Right. You don't have to. And I always say that impressive doesn't equal connection. Right. That you being Ms. Perfect, Ms. Pollyanna, Ms. I don't know what. Right. That's not going to actually create connection. It's this vulnerability. It's this ability to be your hundred percent self. Self authenticity being genuine. Right. The good, bad, and also the ugly. They got to see your ugly. To fall in love with all parts of you. Right. So I love that you mentioned this. This performative aspect that happens in life, especially at work. I tell my clients all the time, the way that you showing up at work is not the same. The way that you talk to your family and friends, girl, let's. Let's keep it real. And you want to go on these first dates acting like you're at work and doing an interview instead of talking to these people like they're your family and your best friend. They can't fall in love with you 100%. They fall in love with that other girl that shows up. Right. That. That character at work. Yeah.

Well, it's. It's like. It's not even that, but it's like they're not loving because if you were loving yourself, you wouldn't have the character on in the first place. Like, I love me. This part of me, like, I don't have to show up any other way. I want you to know me. I love me. So of course you love me. Right. Like, I don't. There is no mask for me to put on because I just get to be me.

I love that. And that's part of actually a lot of my work with my clients. And I'm pretty sure it's a lot of work, a lot of your work as well, in terms of just showing up 100% yourself at all times and being confident, secure, and also feel safe with that as well. Right. Being 100% yourself, which I think is very hard for A lot of people to do, but specifically black women. Can you talk a little bit about that level of safety that I think is really important and just kind of sitting into yourself.

Oh, I love that. I love that you even said that. That is like, we.

We have been told, like, our security and our safety is elsewhere, and we have been in environments where we don't feel safe. And so whenever we feel threatened, for many of us.

It'S a trauma response to not feeling safe.

It's a learned behavior. So as we get older, it's like, don't shine. Don't put yourself out there. Don't. Like, all of it goes back to, like, I don't feel safe. But we ex. We're expecting other people to make us safe or situations to make us safe or job stability to make us safe, which is no such thing. Right. And it. And it. When it comes. When it comes down to it, it is. We become our own refuge. And I'm sure that's what you teach your clients. It's for sure what I teach my clients. It's how you become your own refuge. Like, you create your own safety. Just like happiness is an inside job, safety and security is an inside job. And that's when we move from surviving to thriving. Like, how long we gonna guard the date the gates? Can we go walk on the property? Like, we've been guarding the gate for a long time. I want to go see what I got.

All those walls, girl. All those walls.

Yeah.

Yes. Open those gates. I love that. Yeah. One of the things that I think is really important as well that I wanted to talk to you about was this notion of finding your voice. Right. Especially as a black woman in the world, I think a lot of times, and this is both black women and black men, that when we grow up, we're supposed to be seen and not heard. Right. And so I think that that actually translates to our greater adult life as. Especially in our romantic life. So talk to me about your experience around that and also what you see in your clients and how that kind of manifests itself.

Yeah, I think. I think a lot of times.

I think this is that stereotype of the angry black woman. And that's a whole nother podcast right there.

Right, of course, but.

Right.

It's. It's like, we don't want to be seen as angry or. Or emasculating. So therefore, we tend to be more people pleasers, and we don't say what we want to say because, like, it's either. I want him to like me, so I'm going to show up this way, or I really do feel this way, but if I do, he's going to think I am an angry black woman and, like, I'm this powerful person. So, like, we're fighting that stereotype too. Like, and so it's like we feel as if we're boxed in and the only way out is just to be yourself. Like, literally, that's the only way out, is to, like, have your own back. Like, do I really want the guy that I can't say I disagree with? Like, that's. That's the. Goes back to the power of the questions. It's like we're so busy trying to get chosen that we forget do I.

Even want him, Right?

Like, that's the most important one, right? Like, if I gotta show up and put a mask on and I can't say, baby, you took the wrong turn without, there you go, then maybe he's not the one I choose. Forget him choosing me, right?

Women, you get to choose again, like I was saying before, you're the son. It's all about you, right? I truly believe, and this is what I tell all of my clients, that you lead the relationship. You lead it based on being able to accept and reject what is happening around you. And you get to speak on that, right? You get to say yes or no. This is why I was asking about voice and how we manage our minds around our voice, right? Because as you were saying earlier about this, always having to disprove, disprove, which means that I can't express my emotions, right? I can't speak to something that is bothering me, and then I keep it deep, deep down inside. And then when it gets to a point.