Narc Family Roles

Hello, my loves. And thank you so much for joining me today on the get yout Guy coaching podcast. I hope you got a lot of value out of the previous episode about narcissistic mothers and a narcissistic family environment. I wanted to specifically have an episode about that because I know that so many of my clients have actually experienced that. And you have to know why you are showing up in the relationships. You have to know why you are showing up in the way that you are in your relationships based on how you've grown up. And so I'm hoping. And my intention was to help you see how your relationship with your mother has. Your narcissistic mother, that is. Has affected the way that you are showing up in your adult relationships. And the thing about it is that if you are a woman of color, then the narcissism that's within your mother is strong. Right. Just based on how society is. And no one is really talking about this. And it's so important to talk about because if we're not, we're kind of like.

In a completely dark room, not knowing what direction to go, not knowing what is exactly in the room and what you can trip over. Right? And I want to make sure that there is light, that you have clarity, so that you can move on confidently in these relationships that you are going to have and show up in completely different ways. Ways that you have.

Not. Ways in which you.

Ways in which you have completely deprogrammed from the narcissistic relationships that you've had in your. In your lifetime. Okay? So in this episode, I actually want to talk about the other members of the family and how they play a role in your relationships. We'll start with your father. We'll talk about brothers, if you have brothers. And then at the end, we'll talk about sisters. Okay, so let's talk about the father. So who is the father? The father is what I call an enabler, right? So he. What he does, all he does is really revolve around the narcissistic mother. And here's the thing. A narc mother is always going to have someone who is an enabler. Right? That's how she is going to pick her man. So for so many of you out there who have really strong, assertive moms that tell everybody what to do and make everything about themselves, nine times out of 10, that guy is going to be someone who can kind of deal with that. Most masculine men are not going to be able to deal with that. Right. And this is why marriages last. So long. Oftentimes people will come to me and they'll be like, but my parents are still married, and they're married for 40 years. But I ask, like, well, what is the quality of the marriage? I don't care how long it's. How long they've been married. If it's a horrible relationship and it's a horrible relationship for 40 years, it doesn't matter whether it's 40 years or two. Right.

So here's the thing about the enabling father. He is emotionally unavailable. He has to be. He has to be completely emotionally numb to deal with a narcissistic mother. And that's all based in general insecurity. He has learned that his needs are not worth anything and that he has to focus on the needs of the narcissistic mother to keep the peace. How does this show up in how you experience that? Right. Because oftentimes there's a couple of things that are happening. One, he. Because he is emotionally unavailable, we get used to the fact that in our heads, the default is men are not emotionally available, when in reality, there are a ton of emotionally available men out there. So when we do encounter men that are emotionally unavailable, what will happen in our adult relationships is that there will be a level of familiarity involved and that will feel comforting to you, even though it's toxic.

Right. And so I want to make sure that we're super clear that emotional unavailability, even though that's something that your enabling father was probably doing, is not okay. And that if it feels comfortable, I want you to be able to check yourself and understand why it feels comfortable. Right. The other thing that I want you to realize is there is also going to be a level of resentment for your enabling father because he did not protect you from your narc mother. Right. And what that means for how you think about men is that you don't trust them, that you feel that they cannot protect you. This is so important to understand, especially if you're a woman of color, specifically black, that if you can't feel like black men can protect you, you're never going to feel safe around them.

Never. I want to be super clear about that. Okay. Because.

I have a lot of clients that come to me and they're like, yeah, I feel like I have to be with them, but I don't feel comfortable being with them.

One, I want us to be looking at every man as an individual and not a monolith of what you feel a certain demographic is. And two, realize where that is coming from more than anything else. Right? Okay, so let's get back to the enabling father, because I think this is, like, really important. So the enabling father is going to have a codependent relationship with the narc mother, right?

Because that's the thing that validates his worthiness. And so as a child, as you are viewing this, what you believe and what your model is going to be is that you have to be codependent with someone, right. To have a relationship. Even if, like, intellectually you understand that that's not, like, the way to go. Emotionally, you will be drawn to this. Right? And so part of breaking this pattern is just having awareness. This episode, just like the last episode, is about awareness. Ladies, I want to make sure that you're super aware of these things so that when they come up, you can be like, oh, yeah, that's what Anwar was talking about when he was talking about.

Unavailable men. Emotionally unavailable men.

One thing that I want you to realize as well is, like, just like in any narcissistic relationship, it's going to get worse and worse. So even if, let's say, as a younger child, your father wasn't like this, your potentially a narc mother will have beaten him down so much that he has kind of just let go and given up and has over time, based on some of the abuse and the criticism and some of the rage that maybe the narc mom has, you know, had. Has completely kind of acquiesced to anything and everything that she wants or needs. He, again, he's trying to keep the peace for safety of himself. And also.

He. Even though it doesn't feel like that, he's trying to keep the peace for the household and for you.

The reality of the situation is that an enabling father is in complete denial.

And it's hard to actually say those words, but it is true. And it's important for you to understand that as you are starting to think about why did my dad do all of this? Right.

Didn't know any better. All he was trying to do was keep the peace more than anything else.

And I want to stop right here, and I want to be super clear when I talk about the explanation of the why when it comes to our parents. I'm not excusing them, I'm not devalidating your experience of them. But I do think it's important for you to have clarity about why a person would do such a thing. That would have a negative impact on how you live your life and the relationships that you have. I think it's really important to understand and know. Okay, so I'm hoping that you're understanding how a narcissistic mother can affect your relationships with the men in your life. Okay, now I want to talk a little bit about brothers. It's funny, most of my clients have sisters, but I think it's important to talk about what it looks like to have a brother and also have a narcissistic mother because it does affect your adult relationships as well. So if you have a brother you already know, especially if you are in a family, a minority family, a black family, you will realize that the brother will tend to be favored and liked more. I'm telling all t. I'm not sugarcoating it. This is how it has been and it is how it is currently, especially with the narcissistic mother because she knows that he is not in competition with her like you are. Okay. They don't see their sons as extensions of themselves, but they do you.

What this does is that it creates an enmeshment with the son, right? Where mothers are completely telling their sons exactly how to think, how to feel, how to do. And. And.

The narc mother will make the son or your brother an emotional husband, right? Where. And she'll be very territorial of him. And this is. Why am I talking about this? I'm talking about this because in your dating life, you will potentially run it, run into men that are enmeshed with their narcissistic mothers and that mother in law. That's why there are a ton of movies out there about horrible mother in law experiences. That mother sees other women as competition, trying to take her son away from her. Right? And her son's attention.

You know, she, the narc mother is going to talk about how, you know, how.

For her son, she'll always say something like, your mother will always come first, really indoctrinating that in him.

So what does this look like in real life? The mother will act jealous and try to sabotage her son's relationships, right? She'll talk a lot of shit about the woman that her son is dating and she will let her son know. And you will get the sense that no woman is good enough for her son and she'll again criticize and demean the. The his romantic partners. What does this mean for the sun? This ultimately will mean that the sun will have low self esteem and probably be really insecure as well. He. Because he's going to lack any sense of self under a narc mother because he's always and will have always thought about his mother and not his Own likes in his own dislikes. Okay.

He's going to always be propped up as the golden child. And that's a lot of pressure for a guy, right? Or a woman as well. I'm sure you probably have also felt that in a lot of different ways.

Because he's always trying to meet his mother's expectation at the expense of being himself. So ultimately, he doesn't even know who he is, which is really scary.

The son puts the mother on a pedestal. And if the mother is on the pedestal, it will always be difficult for you to be put on that pedestal as well.

That's why when you run across these men, I want you to be very clear about what you're observing in the relationship between him and his mother. And if things do not change, you need to step back. That's why there are shows on TV called Mama's Boy on tlc, which I watch on occasion, because this is a, like, really prominent phenomenon that is happening.

So let's talk about the narc mom and the son, right? Because in her eyes, the sun can do nothing wrong. And the reason why I'm saying this is because she will often amplify the son, but put down the daughter.

Even if he is not making the best life decisions. And I'm sure that you've seen it before, right? There's a. There's a guy, there's a boy out there that's jobless, addicted to something. And in that mother's eyes, that son can do no wrong. But for some reason, the daughter is always wrong in some way, shape or form. The narc mom will always defend your brother, but always call out the behavior of the daughter.

And that's why daughters can start resenting their brothers. And for some of you out there, let's be honest, do you resent your brother? Right. If you do. Now we have the understanding of why.

Why is this important when it comes to your adult relationships? Because when you grow up in this environment and you feel like boys are valued more than girls, your first inclination is to really cut him down a few notches. Whether it's with your behavior or with your words or with your.

Your body language, what you want to do is attack until you feel like he's at an equal playing field with you.

And that is something that is not warm or welcoming or inviting, right? That you're always trying to knock him down at a certain level to make him not the golden boy. Even if you don't know a guy.

Right? That you're gonna be on the defensive, that you're going to want to be in competition with him, and you don't even know him. Right. This is how it affects your adult relationships. And if you're in competition with him, that doesn't actually serve you. It doesn't make him want to get to know you. He wants a woman that he doesn't have to compete with. He's out in the world competing at work and with all of these other men when he comes home. He just wants to take off all of that armor and feel safe and accepted. And if you are in constant competition with him, it's not going to work. Okay, here's the thing.

Just because he was the golden boy doesn't make you the shitty girl. He doesn't make you the bronze girl.

Right. Part of this work is understanding that you are always the golden girl as well. It just wasn't actually shown to you.

And the work that I do with my clients is about really understanding and internalizing that for yourself so that you're not looking for it and trying to find validation in other people or other things or accomplishments. Okay.

I hope that you can understand how.

The narcissistic mother can affect how you think about boys and guys and men. Right. I'm probably sure you saw this in the classroom as you were growing up in elementary and junior high and high school and even college as well, when you would academically go for a pretty intelligent guy in your class, that he suddenly became your arch nemesis that you had to compete against.

Right.

I want to ask you if you had a brother that you felt that way with as well. These things are connected, ladies, and I want to make sure that you're super understanding of that. Okay? All right. So now I want to talk about what it means to have a sister in a narcissistic family. Okay. Because.

Most of my clients actually have sisters. It's interesting. And so I think this will be very beneficial for so many of you out there, especially if you're a high achieving woman of color. So if there are two daughters being raised by a narc mom in this system with an enabling father, they're probably going to take different roles.

Obviously, they're going to both kind of receive some of the same messages of being valued for what they do and not for who they are. But one sister is going to internalize it by trying to prove herself right in the like, I'll show you what I can do and how worthy I am. And that's the overachieving, perfectionist sister. Right. And the other sister is going to Internalize it a different way, she's going to feel inferior and she may give up, she's going to become the underachiever and she's going to start to engage in self sabotage behavior throughout her life.

Even though these are very different paths.

Both of these sisters are going to struggle with the same feeling of not feeling good enough.

The difference between the high achiever and the self sabotaging sister is that the high achieving person probably had someone who gave them unconditional love, where the self sabotaging sister probably did not have that. And that love could have come from a grandparent, a father, a teacher, another sibling, whatever it may be.

So just kind of a side note, if there's no brother in the family, the daughter that most resembles the mother is probably going to be pushed into the golden child role. And that's usually the overachiever perfectionist.

The daughter who most resembles the mother is the one that's going to be overtly criticized as well though. So even though, and that's generally the perfectionist. So even though she's going to be put on this pedestal of sorts, she's also the one that's going to be criticized more.

Whereas the daughter, let's say, who is, who less resembles the mother is going to be or also is going to feel ignored and forgotten. Right?

Again, whether you are the golden child or you are the ignored or the forgotten or the scapegoat, all of the sisters are receiving the same messages that they are not good enough and they are not valued for who they are. And that really shitty. And if you've experienced this, I'm sorry, that you've experienced.

Is one of the toughest things and probably one of the reasons why relationships are difficult for you right now, right?

Why do I say that? I say this because.

In your adult relationships, if you are the perfectionist, you're the one that's looking for perfection in the other person instead of accepting them. And no one is perfect. And once you find something that is not perfect on the other person, you leave you peace out and you continue to look for perfection, right? Because you've learned that that is the coping mechanism, that is how you can feel valued. So that's how you're valuing men instead of coming from a place of acceptance, right? Without judgment, curiosity instead of criticism. These are the things that I'm teaching my clients, my high achieving, highly educated clients who are often thrusted into the overachieving, imperfectionist sister role.

Right? And it sucks too, because if you're in that role you can't feel like you can be yourself around your other sisters, that you have to stay in this perfectionist role. And that is the thing that creates disconnection and unrelatability with your sisters, especially if the other one is the underachiever and the self sabotager. Okay, so let's talk about if you're the self sabotager or if you're the underachiever sister in the narcissistic family dynamic. If you are. What does this mean? This means that you're going to find men that are not going to push you, that are not going to motivate and inspire you to be the best that you can be, that you're gonna find men that are gonna be more narcissistic in nature, because that's something that's familiar to you, right. And that you'd rather have attention, even if it's negative attention, than no attention at all, which is what you are feeling with your narcissistic mother. You think that because your mom, your narc mom gave you, let's say, a 3 or a 4 on the attention scale when it should have been a 9 or a 10, that this guy, even if he's toxic, is giving you a 5, 6 in terms of attention or 7, that he's the bee's niece, when in reality, he doesn't even hit the standards that are necessary for an amazing, long term, healthy relationship. So you will accept men that are not reaching out and talking to you every day. Right. Because you're so used to being ignored.

That that becomes okay. That's why we allow certain things, especially if you are that sister. Whereas the perfectionist sister will say, okay, you did not talk to me today. You're out. Super cutthroat. Right? This is how it looks like in adult relationships, depending on the sister that you are in this narcissistic family environment.

All right? Okay. So I hope that that was really helpful as you start to think about your family dynamics, because.

This work is not easy, but it is necessary. And this, these things are some of the things that I talk about in my program with my amazing clients that are doing the work and getting amazing results. So if that is you, if you are ready to really do this work, if your mind has been blown and you have been saying every five seconds, oh, yeah, that was how I grew up. Oh, yeah, that's what happened to me. Right? That's. Oh, that's what. That's why I do what I do. Right. If you're saying that to yourself, realize that you're just scratching the surface and we go much deeper in my program and I want to invite you to book a call with me so you we can talk a little bit about my program and if it's going to be a good fit for you. As I said in earlier episodes, I have created this group program that is so amazing I cannot even tell you about it.

Even though I should. But what I will say is that it's starting at the beginning of 2022 and applications are open now for it. If you are interested you can message me@anwartyourguycoaching.com and I can put you on the wait list when it does open up and when I am launching my program which will be in December of 2021. But this program is going to be amazing and you know, it's really about helping you get your guy and supporting you until you get your guy. So everyone that's in my program will continue to be supported up into a year of dating and relationship support until they get their guy. I love it. I am so excited about this offer and this group coaching program.

I'm excited to really be pushing all of the knowledge that I've created and have honed in over the past decade to help so many more clients than just the 20 clients that I have that I have been booked for for the last year, year and a half. So if that's you, I want to invite you to reach out to me. Anwar a n w a ryetyourguycoaching.com and we'll book a call and we'll talk a little bit about it. Alrighty. Alright. I love you all. I hope that this two parter in terms of narcissistic mothers and family dynamics has been super helpful and illuminating for you and I will see you on the flip side. Bye.