Narcissistic Mothers and Families

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

Hello, my loves. I want to thank you for joining me today. I wanted to talk about something that I don't think gets talked about a lot with women of color. I want to talk about narcissism in the family and specifically our narcissistic mothers. Some of this might be a little bit difficult to really hear and internalize. You might have to listen to this a couple of times. Not because I want more downloads, girl, but because a lot of this isn't really talked about. And so it's weird to hear these things. Our first reaction is going to be no, this is too much, or no, that's not me. I want us to stay open minded as we start to talk about experiences with our mothers. Right. And the family dynamic within the narcissistic mother. Why are mothers, let's say, a little bit more narcissistic? I would think. Right. And what I've seen in the research is that based on societal programming for mothers of color, black, Latina, Asian, because society kind of shits on them so much, they're feeling so low and insecure about themselves that they actually try to live through their children. And they need to be compensated by getting all of this love, attention and devotion from their children. Because society isn't doing it and oftentimes their partners aren't doing it as well. Right. I wanted to give that context on that background because there are kind of more macro things happening beyond just what's happening in the household when we're thinking about our narcissistic mothers. I want to talk about the different kinds of narcissistic mothers that I've seen about. And please let me know if one of these mothers was yours. You can always message me@anwaratyourguycoaching.com or you can also send me a DM at IG. And the IG is getyourguycoaching. Okay, so let me start off with the six kinds of narcissistic moms out there. The first one I would say is the flamboyant kind of extrovert mom. I'm using this one first because I have some personal experience. So this is the mom that is a bit louder, more extroverted and just out there. She's an entertainer, she's charming, she's charismatic, she's loved by everyone, but also secretly feared at home. This is the mom that really only cares about how the daughter makes her look and she treats others really well, but doesn't really offer the same kind of love and warmth and treatment to her own daughter, the flamboyant, extroverted mother. Her life is like a show, right? And the daughter has to fit into that life that she's created. And if she doesn't, if she doesn't conform to her world, there's an issue, there's a problem. This mother would also be maybe a bit materialistic and maybe dances around the room to get attention. I know my mom used to sing seeing in public when we were in the grocery store or at the thrift store. And that's how she would get her attention. This is what you would see typically in like a Hollywood mom or a momager.

So think Kris Jenner. Okay, so the second kind of mom I want to talk about is the kind of accomplishment oriented mom. And I want you to think about this like, she's really focused on what her daughter achieves, right? And she's focused on making sure that that is kind of the paramount thing. And she cares about how successful externally the daughter is, not necessarily how she feels. She expects the daughter to perform at the highest of levels. And she may even create what I would consider perfectionist daughters, right? Who never feel like they're good enough. These are the moms that are also broken brags all the time about their daughter's accomplishments to others and puts that even more pressure on them. She's using her really high achieving daughter as a boost of ego, right? But will rarely tell her daughter directly to her face that she's actually proud of her. The thing that's like super confusing about this dynamic is that the daughter could be accomplishing something, but the mother may not be supportive. Then the daughter actually achieves the accomplishment and then the mom kind of just like uses it to boost her own ego. And this is like really confusing for a lot of daughters out there. If you're that daughter, please raise that hand, girl. In these accomplishments, though, the thing that I see often is that the mom, when she's pushing her daughter to actually achieve these accomplishments, she feels good because she's made her daughter do all of these amazing things, but also secretly resents and is jealous of her daughter. As she accomplishes these things, this is the mom that also is judging people based on their accomplishments, such as, like, what college they go to or what kind of job that they have. So I want us to realize that if you had this kind of mom, I could understand why you are a perfectionist and why you are picky when it comes to men, because that's how you were trained and programmed. The next kind of narc mom that I want to talk about is the psychosomatic one. And this is the mom that uses pain and aches and illnesses, manipulate others. She might even fake some illnesses just to get some attention. And she feels like the daughter must take care of her. And in doing so, the daughter feels this pressure to take care of mothers. These are the same daughters that get into a dating dynamic of feeling like they have to take care of their men. If they don't take care of the mothers, then these psychosomatic moms make the daughters feel super guilty for not taking care of their sick mother. And. And they'll play victim right when the attention is being taken away from them. I know that this seems really extreme, but these moms might actually faint or fake a headache just to get attention. And these moms do this because it helps them escape their actual feelings or face reality. Right? In this situation, the daughter can never be sicker than the mother. And if that's the actual case, the mother will feel like she isn't being taken care of. If you have this dynamic, then you probably will also have a very enabling father, and he will say things like, you know, look at what you've done to your mother. Don't tell your mother. It'll make her sick or upset. All of these different things super toxic. So that's the psychosomatic mom. The fourth kind of narc mom is the addicted mother. You know, it's interesting, right? Addiction and narcissism, they go together so often. An addiction doesn't have to be like drugs. It doesn't have to be smoking. It can be shopping. It can be sex. Right? It can be a variety of different things that she might be addicted to. Addiction is a way to not face their emotional anxiety or their problems. So this type of mom will use drugs or alcohol or the other things that they may be addicted to as a way to escape. She is ignoring the issues and the problems, right? So when you tell me, oh, yeah, we didn't really talk about a lot of things, but, yeah, I was taken care of, right? I had everything that I wanted and needed. Maybe your mom was addicted to shopping, and that's the way that she actually managed her emotions and feelings. Okay, the next. The narc mom that I want to talk about is the secretly mean mom. Now, this is the type of moment that has, like, a public and private Persona. She's, like, kind and loving and attentive in public toward the actual daughters, but at home, she's abusive and cruel. Maybe, like at church, she is just this loving, perfect mother. Or at school and at home, she might actually be physically abusive to her daughter or emotionally abusive with her rage. This type of mom will generally tell her daughter, you're fat, you need to lose weight, you look like a slut, and then act like an angel in front of the public or others. Right? So as a daughter, it'll be really confusing for you to understand. How does this person actually feel about me? Right. Because these messages are so extreme, and it makes oftentimes many daughters feel like they're crazy, like they don't know what's right and what's wrong. So it's hard for them to trust what people are saying to them and about them. Okay, and then the final mom that I want to talk about, she is what I call, like, the emotionally needy mom. Obviously, I think all narcissistic moms are emotionally needy at some level, but this mom is more extreme. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, and she expects her daughter to take all care of her when that happens.