Nice Girl Syndrome with Coach Abbey Kelly

Hello, my loves. And thank you so much for joining me on the get your guy coaching podcast. Today I have a very special guest all the way from Paris, France, girl by way of Toronto, by way of England. London, England. Right. We have Coach Kelly here. Coach Kelly. She is a self love coach and she helps her clients love themselves so that they can start to really love and be loved by others. Kelly. Sorry, why did I call. Did I call you Coach Kelly?

Yeah, because my last name. But it's okay.

No, no, no, it's not okay. It's not okay. Let me do that again. Let me do that again.

It's confusing.

No, it's not confusing. No, it's not confusing. I'm going to do it again.

Okay.

Abby.

Yes. I'm just trying to figure out where I should start from.

We have a special guest here today, Coach Abby, and she is a self love coach and she helps women love themselves so that they can love and be loved in their relationships. Coach Abby, thank you so much for being with me today.

Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure to be here. I'm really excited.

Yes. I'm so excited that you're here today with us because we have a special topic that we're talking about today and that's all about the nice girl syndrome that I think so many of us kind of get into without us even knowing about it. But before we get into that, why don't you talk a little bit about your business, what you do and how you serve your clients.

Yeah, sure. So, as you know, my name's Abby, Coach Abby, as they call me. And I'm a self love coach and I help women heal, rebuild, and love themselves more without feeling guilty. And I basically focus on them forming a better relationship with themselves and to help them get over their exes. Because I find so many women cling on to an example and most of the time the ex isn't even worth holding onto.

Like almost all of the time, right?

Yeah, literally. Yeah, we're being honest all of the time.

Yeah. If they're an ex, they're an ex for a reason. So I completely understand that now. How did you get into this work girl? Because everyone, if you're like a love coach, dating coach, relationship coach, there's always an interesting story in terms of how you got into this work. So what is that story for you?

Whoa. It's a story like my whole dating life was an absolute disaster. Constantly getting ghosted, breadcrumbed, etc. Etc.

And for those, those of the people in the Audience, the listeners who don't know what breadcrumbing is, can you kind of explain that to them?

Yeah, so it's kind of like, if you think of, like, breadcrumbs, it's almost like a guy throwing crumbs at you. So every once in a while, he'll reach out and lead you down a trail of picking up crumbs, and you think, oh, I'm gonna get the whole loaf. But no, you're constantly getting crumbs, and sometimes the crumbs stop or sometimes the crumbs continue. It's almost like a dog throwing a bone, but you're just getting crumbs. You're not getting, like, slice.

Yeah, definitely, because I think that there's some people out here, like, what's breadcrumbing? And it's like, yeah, definitely. When somebody's, like, reaching out or texting you every couple of weeks, like, hey, what's up? Let's do something. And then you're like, yeah, let's do something. And they're like. And then you don't hear from them again, and then they'll do it again in a week or two. Yeah, definitely. So you were saying that you were being ghosted, that you were being breadcrumbed.

Yeah. And on top of that, I had a horrible work experience. I was working in a job. I had a toxic manager that was absolutely awful. And I was so stressed out that I ended up getting Hodgkin's lymphoma. And, yeah, once I finished treatment, I decided to reevaluate my life. And. And I was looking at some of the patterns of my dating life, my working life, and I realized that I was just basically lacking self love. Because when I looked at most of the things that I let slide, it was because I had a lack of self love that I didn't even know. And that was kind of, like, heartbreaking for me because I heard a little voice say to me, abby, do you love yourself? And I was like, yeah, of course. You know, of course I love myself. But then when I looked at what was going on and what I was allowing to let slide, how I was allowing guys to basically treat me, I realized, no, girl, you lack self love.

Yeah. Yeah. That was probably really hard to swallow.

It was. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I'm glad I swallowed it, because it made me change my whole life around. And I find sometimes when we get real with ourselves, two things happen. We make improvements or we backslide, and we can get upset with ourselves. Angry, frustrated, and I chose to go down the self improvement road and help women to do the same.

That's amazing. I'm so glad that you did, girl.

Me too.

So let's get into this, right, because you know, we talked a little bit beforehand and you self proclaimed yourself as the nice girl. Where do you think that came from?

I think it came from me just wanting to people please and not wanting to upset people. I'm very non confrontational. So I just felt like being the nice girl. Just shut up, get on with it. I think yeah, it came from my need of not wanting to disappoint and just wanting to be liked as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I often find with than what I call nice girl syndrome because like half of my clients have it, is that.

When we grow up, oftentimes we feel like we have to be perfect, that we can't be anything besides perfect because if we aren't, people are not going to love us. Or that sometimes when we grow up in a certain household situation where things can be somewhat chaotic that you don't want to add to the drama or the chaos and so you want to make sure that everything is copacetic and good with you so that again people can love and accept us and feel like we're worthy. So, you know, I'm so glad that you are self proclaimed and you're not ashamed of it because.

Acknowledging is kind of like the first step in terms of figuring out if the nice girl syndrome is working for you or not. Right. So you know, you talked a little bit about your dating past, but how do you think that being quote unquote, the nice girl hindered you in dating and relationships?

Well, if I was, for example, so some of the guys, they would ghost me, which was absolutely pretty much frequently, or they would call me up like last minute, let's just say like after 9pm And I lacked boundaries, I guess. So they would be like, hey, want to hang out? And I would be like.

Okay, but I really want to say no. And so it allowed them to basically just walk all over me and they could basically take from me and I'd be like, yeah, sure, okay. But when it came to me wanting to speak up for myself, I was basically the nice girl. I just didn't want to rock the boat or say anything or ask these questions like where is this going? Or where have you been? I just wanted to just be, be the nice girl basically and just play it cool and not be like a problem.

Yeah, yeah. It's interesting that you have considered or you Know, focus on self love. Right. Because one of the things that I think is really important to realize is that when we are the nice girl, ultimately what we're doing is we are putting the needs, desires, emotions of others before ourselves. So when a guy reaches out to us and says, hey, let's hang out now, we're thinking, what's the most convenient thing for him? Right. Instead of what's going to make me feel the best. Right. And oftentimes he's going to do what he wants to do because as humans, we're selfish beings anyway, and so we often do not get our needs met. So I think it definitely can kind of like hinder so many other parts of dating and relationships as well. I'm so happy that you were sharing that because I'm sure our listeners out there are definitely going through similar experience or have been through similar experiences. How else did it kind of hinder you or not help you achieve some of your love goals as the nice girl?

It basically meant that guys just probably felt like, I'm not affirmative, I'm not able to speak up for myself. So.

They basically just did what they want. And I wasn't able to get commitment from them because it's kind of like they can take from me without committing to me. So I was never really able to get that commitment that I wanted, like that solid relationship. So when these what are we? Conversations that I was too scared back then to speak about, why would they even consider committing to me if they're literally getting what they want from me? Girlfriend benefits.

Yes.

Without me being a girlfriend.

Yeah. Yeah. That's so important. I'm so glad that you mentioned that because so many people do this. And I think this is where, you know, generationally, we may have learned from our moms and grandmas, like, just give, just do. And then suddenly these men are just going to be like, she's my wife, because she's already acting like she's my wife. So I guess she's my wife or girlfriend. Right?

Yeah.

Not how it happens nowadays.

No. Not now. No, definitely not.

I probably didn't happen as much back then either, but it was just maybe a regular thing. But yeah, I'm so happy that you mentioned that because that is like the number one way for you not to get into a relationship.

Absolutely.

There's no incentive. There's no incentive to the man. For the man. Yeah, you're gonna say.

Yeah, no, I was gonna say that. I think as well, that's basically that like, for men it's like, well, why would I? And I found that they would go for women who had, you know, boundaries made them wait. So it's kind of like, okay, they would be getting what they want from me. Meanwhile, they're working on another girl. And then I could see, oh, okay, they were just using me for certain things, but here they are, happily committed because this girl had self love, she loved her. The other girls, like, love themselves enough to say, absolutely, we're gonna wait or we're gonna do it my way at my pace. Which is something I just never had the courage to do.

Yeah. And it's interesting, what I've been picking up over the last couple of sentences is you've been mentioning, I think, or circling around this notion of sex. Right. Waiting.

You know, on your terms, things like that. Talk to me about being the nice girl and sex and dating and relationships and how you navigated that.

So it was basically at the guy's.

Pace most of the time, which is like lightning speed.

Exactly, exactly. So it would be like maybe on the second date, sometimes the first date. And then obviously they're getting what they want, so they're not committing to me. And then I did experiment where I was like, okay, let me wait a month or two. And they got what they wanted, but because I was still allowing them to ghost me, so, like, perhaps they would come back a month or a few weeks later, and then I would give it up to them, they would disappear. So it's kind of like I wasn't really firming myself and standing up for myself. So when I was. When it came to sex, they got what they wanted, going at their pace and then just walking away.

Yeah. This is one of the reasons why, when, you know, the women in my program, what I do recommend is that they do not have sex with the men that they're dating until they're in an exclusive relationship. Right.

I agree.

Because most men will try to go there because they're men. And men generally are looking for sex and find love, and women are looking for love and have sex along the way. Right. And so oftentimes it might get hot and heavy. You may be kissing, but at that moment, it is important to say, you know, I would love to have sex, but I just don't do that with someone that I'm not in an exclusive relationship with. What that does ultimately is it triggers something in a man's mind where it is, the question is not about do I want to continue hanging out with her or not. Right. Because men are very much in the present tense. Then the question about the relationship is more about do I want to be exclusive with her or not? And that's what he's going to continue to be thinking about from that point onward. And then you get a clear understanding of if he does, because he's going to make moves to get there or not. Right. So I think it's important. And one thing I wanted to ask you about kind of being the nice girl in sex is that.

Talk to me about kind of your education or experience with sex. I guess, growing up. Right. Was that something that was talked about a lot or not really. Who taught you about it? Who taught you about sexual agency?

All of that was kind of me just figuring it out. I mean, my mom literally said to me, because she was very open about sex, but I didn't feel comfortable going to her to talk about it. But I remember her just telling me, basically, tell boys you're not a virgin because that's, you know, they're not gonna want you. Because she was like, most boys just want. Will want you for sex. I think when I was. Yeah, a teenager, when I started high school.

So basically she just said, mom's killing me over here, girl. We love mom, but we don't know if she set you up for success here.

Right. And for me, it was kind of like, especially at that age when you're in, like, high school, I don't want to tell guys that I'm not.

Right.

Like, no way. When you do that one thing, they're gonna say, you're a hoe regardless.

Right.

So that's something. So I never really told guys that. And I remember the first time I lost my virginity, I was 18, and I really like this guy. Again, my mind, we are in a relationship. That's just what I thought, you know, like, we're hanging out, he's kissing me, he's told me that he likes me. So we do the deeds. And then.

He basically rejected me. Within a few days, the conversations just got less. I found out that he liked another girl. And that led me to think that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't pretty enough or I just lacked something. So that kind of stunted me and made me think, like, I'm not good enough. So I guess as well that added onto the nice girl of wanting to please. To please guys. Yeah, yeah.

You're a black woman. What do you think that your race had to also do with this nice girl syndrome?

That is. Yeah, that is key. I felt like if I was to speak up and voice myself, I'll be labeled as that angry black woman woman. So I think that's probably why I kept myself in a box, especially at work. I didn't want to speak up for myself because I didn't want to come across as the angry girl or the problem person.

Yeah.

With guys as well. I didn't want to be seen as, you know, the typical angry black woman. You're all the same. So it's kind of like, well, let me be different, let me be nice, let me see if this will work for me.

Yeah, yeah. And in doing so, it sounded like you put yourself or limited yourself in terms of the way that you were able to express emotion and just your general ab.

Yes. Yeah. I kept all my Abby Ness in a box, which is so sad because the other day I did my meditation, like an inner child healing.

Yeah.

And it was so interesting because for the first time I had heard my inner child. And I went Back to, to 11 year old Abby, who was so fun talkative. And she said to me, like, you just stopped being out there. You stopped being outgoing. And I was like, wow. This was round about the age of like entering my teenage years of just wanting to not be the angry black woman. So I just kind of went into my books.

Yeah. Yeah.

So interesting. Yeah.

It's interesting too because they often say that age range between 7 and 12. It actually just beats girls up. It beats them up. Like when you're five, six and seven, like the girls are ruckus girl, they're running around, they're doing whatever, all of this. And then that age range. There's something about how they're treated with boys, like I guess how the insults happen or the bullying or what have you. Both from boys and girls to the point where we want to be liked so much. I can kind of, I can.

Sympathize and empathize because I think as a gay child growing up, I also felt the same way. Right. That like, I know I'm different and I need to be accepted and I need to find ways in which I can be loved and valued and seen. And so, you know, there's a variety of ways of doing that. But ultimately I also played the nice girl syndrome in a lot of different ways to try to be liked.

Right. Yeah.

But it wasn't me. I couldn't talk my shit.

Right. Exactly. Because you just feel it inside. It's tugging at you.

Yeah.

It's like, why are you saying, you know, it's like, why are you saying yes when you know you want to say no?

Yeah. The other thing about that too is that men can sense when you kind of don't want to do something, but you're saying yes or when you get a little bit quiet. Because sometimes women will do this. They'll get quiet when they're upset instead of speak their truth.

Yeah.

And I want to offer to women out there that do that, that, that is emotional dishonesty. Right. And when women do that, when you're playing the nice girl and you don't want to ruffle any feathers, it's going to be hard for him to trust you because you're saying one thing, but your energy and your existence is saying a completely different thing. And so I want to just kind of encourage everyone out there that does play that nice girl role that you're not doing yourself any favors because ultimately when he sees you as two faced or two personed, he's not going to trust you. And it's not. The connection cannot be super deep. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. I agree with that 100%. Yeah.

Okay, so you obviously have gotten out of your nice girl syndrome a bit. What sort of things did you do to help get there? Right. Were there certain exercises or actions that you took?

Yeah, first of all, I just went back to myself and I was like, you know, we have to honor how we truly feel. Even if it's uncomfortable, you have to be able to speak up for yourself. So getting out of the nice girl thing meant that I had to be more confident in myself. And the way I did that was through just listening to daily affirmations and envisioning the woman that I wanted to become. And the woman I wanted to be was someone who said no and felt okay with it. And it was hard at first, but I found that I just, I mean, when you say no as well, you don't have to do it in a mean way.

Right.

So I was like, you know, I can still say no to my friends like, or to guys, like, I just don't feel like it. I don't want to right now. It's too soon for me. And I found in doing that, I felt like I felt a lot more peaceful in myself because I was honoring how I truly feel. So yeah, just by doing affirmations and building my confidence, it just gave me the ability to break out of that nice girl box to say, what were some of.

Yeah, sorry to interrupt. What were some of your favorite affirmations?

So like, I am confident, I am love, I am enough, I am beautiful. I Can say, no, I am powerful. Just. Yeah, Just things like that. And at first it felt really strange to say. Say it.

Yeah.

But the more I said it, the more it just became comfortable for me. Like, it didn't feel strange. And then I started looking in the mirror when I said it, and I noticed I started to, like, stand up taller with my shoulders back, and just like, I am enough, and it's okay to honor myself. And with that, yeah, my confidence grew. And I found that when people would ask me to do something like, hey, Abby, are you free? I found myself to say, no, not tonight, and how about another night without really thinking bad, like, I've just said, no. Are they going to hate me? What does this mean? Or he's asked me out and I'm not able to make it. Rather than me just, you know, rearranging my schedule like the old.

Right.

I'm like, I can't. I've actually got work to do. So I wasn't worried, like, oh, my gosh, is he going to reschedule? Will he call me back? I didn't care, because I'm like, you know something? I'm honoring me, and that's the most important and putting me first.

How long did it take you to get to that point from. These affirmations are weird. Until I'm starting to believe these affirmations.

I would say about, like, three months of really doing it every single day. Because the first month and, like, every other day, not consistently. But I found when I just stuck to three months of doing it and putting it into practice, it felt good. Especially when I started doing the mirror work as well when I looked in the mirror. That helped.

Yeah. I think that this is so important to realize because I think people think that I'll do affirmations for a week, and then it's going to be solved and it's going to be over. And that's not the case. But this is actually takes consistent work. And that's one of the reasons why my program is six months. Because these first three months are, like, really just getting your footing and grounding in terms of the new woman that you are to be or who you're destined to be. And then the last three months is really about, okay, now that we have that, let's really find our person.

Yes.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. But it does take a good amount of time. One of the things that I do, too, is, like, in my journal, every day, I write five beliefs or affirmations about myself, my business, my life that I believe that I Feel that I want to continue because I think it is powerful work, even in the subconscious area. Definitely. You also mentioned about understanding or creating a future self. Right. Which is like, who do I want to be? What does she look like? How does she live her life? How does she relate to other people?

What does she do professionally? What does she do personally? Right. All of that. And so what were some of the things that your future self did that you weren't doing at that moment? I know that you mentioned beside saying no, but besides that, were there other things that you needed to do or be that. That. Sorry, I was hearing some dogs, so.

Right.

I'm like, who's attacking what.

That you had to be or you had to do?

Yes. So one of the things that I did was take care of myself in terms of maintenance. So this was very weird for me. But when I started to go out, I slowly started to dress.

I have to pause. I need to see what that.

Yeah, no worries. No worries.

Let's just wait a. Let's just wait a minute. There's someone.

Yeah, sure.

Crazy ass dogs in the neighborhood that.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah.

Cece, you'll just edit all that BS out.

Okay.

With the dogs.

Yeah.

Okay. Ready to rock and roll again?

Yep.

Okay. So I was asking, what were some of the differences in terms of the woman that you needed to be that you weren't necessarily kind of doing in your life at that time? Who did you need to be? What did you need to do?

Yes. So I envisioned a woman who was very well dressed. One of the things I wasn't really doing was taking care of myself and terms like, maintenance wise. It's not that I was going out of the house looking.

Yeah. But I wasn't putting effort into the way that I looked. So I reconnected with my femininity, which was very strange for me. Being more softer. In the summertime. I started wearing dresses, doing makeup, taking to my hair, which was weird for me because people were staring at me. It's like I was a now a new me. I was being seen.

Yeah.

And I had to get comfortable with being seen. I'm not gonna lie. Like, since COVID I've kind of fallen off. But back then I was getting ready to go out because another thing was, like, with my mum. I love her. I love her. I love her so much. But, like, dress it. Not dressing up, but, like, just put an effort into the way that I looked when I went out. It kind of wasn't enforced. She was more or less. If you're Going out, out, then you can look well. But if you're just going down the road, you know, you can just house clothes. Fair enough. But I decided just for me, that even if I am going down the road, I want to look the best that I can that day, even if it's just short errands. So, yeah, I put effort into how I looked, and I found that that did help build my confidence.

I love that. Very cool.

One of the things that I know that's a part of being the nice girl, that it's also rooted in trying to have things perfect and trying to make them look like the fantasy that one really idealizes right in one's head. So what's been your experience with that? How have you tried to, you know, create the fantasy in your dating and relationship life?

For me, it was literally just, okay, be the nice girl and he's going to choose you. Just shut up, smile, let him take the lead, don't make a fuss. And yeah, because you're nice, he's going to pick you, and you will, if you're lucky, get married and live happily ever after. That was the fantasy for me.

And.

When did you realize that that fantasy is not doable or workable or have you.

Yeah, the moment I finished chemotherapy. I noticed that that's just. I need to wake up, basically, because it's clearly not happening. When I looked back at the evidence, I was like, yeah, this isn't. This isn't working out. Being the nice girl, just keeping quiet, letting them get away with whatever, and not speaking up for yourself. It clearly isn't working for you. So, yeah, I had to snap out of that.

Yeah, it's interesting.

And you've mentioned this a little bit earlier about, like, being the nice girl also to be seen. And one of the things that I know that's really kind of prevalent in the women that I work with is that.

It'S often because they weren't necessarily seen by either their mother and their father in some way. Either it was, like, emotional neglect or. So it kind of manifests itself in making sure that the life is perfect. It's pretty that there are no flaws to it. Nobody can say anything about you. Right. And, you know, we are always looking to be chosen because ultimately, when we were growing up, we were not chosen. Right. We were not first. We were not put on the pedestal that we needed to be put on.

But I'm so glad that you were able to share that, because I think a lot of people will really resonate with that, that if I Just smile, laugh at their corny jokes, and just wait and nod that they're gonna make me their wife. And that's not the case at all. That ultimately, especially in 2021 women, you are the ones that are choosing. Right? And you choose through.

Telling these men what you want and giving them space to actually deliver on it. That's how you lead a relationship. And if you're not comfortable asserting your voice, if you're not comfortable speaking about what you like and what you don't like, if you can't say no, that means you can't really say yes in an honest way. Yeah. What were you gonna say?

I was like, totally agree. Because if you had said that to me, like before, I would have been so uncomfortable. I literally would have been like, no, it's not possible for me to actually say what I want and say how I feel. I just. Yeah, I could not have. I would have felt so uncomfortable. Yeah, no, I would have pushed him away.

It's an uncomfortable truth. Right? You wouldn't have pushed him away. You would have pushed the wrong guy away. The guy that's not for you. Right. And I think that we have to also reframe that in understanding that the guy that is going to be your guy is going to love everything about you and is going to want to make everything you say, every ask, every demand, every request, he's going to want to make it happen for you. And for those men that do not want to make it happen for you, those are not your men. And that's okay. And 99% of the guys out there are not going to be your men. And that's okay. Right. We just have to figure out those guys who are good, high quality men that are focused on you as the top priority and not themselves.

Right.

And the majority of men are totally about themselves, ultimately.

Yeah.

Okay, so.

We kind of talked a little bit about being the nice girl and the fantasy that's involved with it, but I want to get a little bit real. I want to talk about kind of the messy side of being the nice girl. Because oftentimes what I've noticed too is that, yes, there are tons of nice girls out there, but what I also know is that a lot of those nice girls have a lot of hot, messy things that happen that they just don't talk about.

Because they want to keep up the facade. Right. Perfection and all of that. So what did that. What did that look like for you as it relates to dating and relationship? You share your mess, I'll share mine.

Sure. So I guess. Well, when I was dating this Italian guy, he. Well, there's been a few Italian guys, but one of them in particular, who I really, really like, he was living still with his girlfriend. And I know. Well, he had told me that they had broken up and that she's living there because she has nowhere else to stay.

And I'm a struggle.

Yeah, absolutely. So that was probably one of my messiest things of just trying to see a guy who's clearly got a girlfriend.

And how long were you with this guy?

Not long at all. It wasn't long. Probably on hold. It could have stretched, like, at least five months of not being consistent. So in and out, in and out. And I guess when I saw him, she was probably out.

He was on the. With her. Yes. Yeah.

Which is weird because, you know, Paris is literally a small place, and it's just like I could see him or her at any time. Not that I knew what she looked like, but. Yeah.

Being a nice girl as well.

When I was living in Toronto. That's a story.

I really liked this guy. And back then I had lack of understanding about how it works. So should I talk about this now or should I talk about it after?

No, say it. Tell it now, girl. Tell all this tea, girl. So you had met some guy in Toronto and you said you didn't know how it worked. You didn't know how what worked?

I didn't really know how relationships worked. So this was the first time since I had lost my virginity and I had finally, like, reconnected with a guy and actually have a guy show me interest. And so I assumed that this is the one because he. He likes me, he's interested in me, and he had to go back to France, he had to leave Toronto. And my gosh, I can't believe what I did. I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Well, you were obsessed. You were addicted. You were addicted. They say love is as addictive as heroin and cocaine. So I don't want you to shame yourself in thinking that, you know, you were addicted to this guy. Girl, you were addicted. And I think we've all been there.

Yeah.

So I left, like, my. My best life in Toronto, basically, to go and be with him. And I knew nothing about French culture, did not speak the language, never learned it in school.

Oh, my girl.

I just knew that I was going to be with him, the happy ever after. And I realized, Abby, you need to go to Paris because you've never been before. You don't even know what it's like. So I went for a few days. I got in contact with him because he hadn't even been speaking. This is how crazy it was. I'm telling you. I'm telling you.

I cannot say more. Say more.

We were speaking, but back then, you know, on Facebook, where you poke, that was our community.

Oh, girl. Y' all were poking, and you're about to move countries for a post.

I'm telling you, girl. Yes, I was obsessed. So when I had reached out to him, I realized, abby, you know something? You're pretty crazy. Because when I replayed it back, I'm like, this isn't even your boyfriend. What have you done? Anyway? I'm like, I've given up everything in Toronto. I'm in Paris now. So. So I saw him just for a few days, and I said, hey, you know, next month, I'm coming to Paris. I went with open. I went with an open mind when I went to see him, because I had realized, you know, we're not together, so obviously, he. He can just be like, okay, cool, whatever. So we met up, and I said, I'm coming. I'm moving to Paris. And he grabbed my hand, and he was just like, I'm so happy that you're coming. I can help you find a place. Place. In fact, if you want, you can stay with me and my mom. And I was like, oh, that's really nice of you to offer, but it would just be nice if you can help me find my own place. So, yeah, it felt like old times, just holding hands, kissing. And I was like, I'll see you next month. Keep in touch. Because, you know, I'm coming to Paris. Yay.

Went back home to London. And I don't know if you've ever tried to find an apartment in Paris.

It's impossible. Literally, it's impossible.

And I had no. When I say I had no idea about Paris, I knew nothing. So I'm looking for all these locations, and I sent some to him, and he's like, no, this isn't even in Paris. It's, like, far outside Ile de France. You need to look inside Ile de France. So that was something I learned. And I noticed he wasn't really responding to me or like, have you tried this place? Have you tried that place? So I actually held back. I didn't communicate. Poking stopped.

That little bit of communication that you all were doing. Girl, and not with you, I caught with myself.

It's good that we can laugh about it now, right? I'm sure it was pretty.

You're gonna hear the tears. So I noticed that he wasn't responding. Now that I've let go, the communication had stopped and I'd found a job. So I was like, okay, we're going to Paris. We're just not going to be with him. And a month after I arrived, I got a message from him, but I just decided to ignore it. It was just basically quite enough, like, what's new? I'm thinking, how are you going to ask me what's new when you knew I was coming to Paris? You knew that I needed help to find, find somewhere. So I ignored the message. And then three months later, he uploaded a picture of him and a girl on Facebook.

And my heart broke. When I tell you that the tears came, they came and.

I was just, I felt so stupid. Basically, live and learn. And this is why I'm sharing this experience. Experience. Because I don't want any girl out there to basically make life changing decisions for a guy. That's who. Don't even do it for a boyfriend. Do it for a husband, please. So, yeah, so I saw the picture of them too, and I was like, okay, so this makes sense. This explains basically the lack of communication and why he wasn't interested in me, right? So I sent him a message and I was like, you know, you didn't have to lie to me when we met in Paris. You didn't have to pretend that you were going to help me and that you were into me.

And he read the message and that was it. Left on red, didn't respond, left me on red, two blue ticks. And I was just like, okay, I'm already here in Paris. So I was just like, I'm going to enjoy my life. And that's what I did. Three years later, I saw him by the Littora Fell. There was like a football event. So they had like this big screen. There was like thousands of people. And my friend, she's from Chicago, she has like the lousiest voice ever. And I remember just seeing him and I grabbed my friend, she almost spilled her beer. We just went into the crowd. She's like, what's going on? Why are you dragging me like this? And I was like, that's him. She's like, who? With her loud voice. So happy.

We're loud Americans, girl. Get used to it.

So I was so happy to be far from him. And she was like, who is. I was like, that's the guy. This is who I came to Paris for. She was like, no way. Go over and say hi to him. Introduce yourself and I was like, you know what? No. Like, I really don't want him to know anything about me, how I'm doing. Like, I just feel like it's none of his business and I'm over him now. That's when I realized, like, I am actually over him. Not that I spent three years on him, but it was just that realization of how I had matured. And so that same year, he sent me a message. Was right about, like, Christmas. Yeah. Coming up to the new year, three years later, just to apologize. He was like, he had a dream about me. You know how it goes. But blah, blah, blah. He wanted to reach out and he.

Basically, I'm rolling my eyes for all my audio listeners out there. Eyes are rolled back and forward. I'm back at it.

Yeah, he apologized to me and I read it and I just didn't respond. I left him on read because the truth is, I had already forgiven him. And most importantly, I had forgiven myself. And I just felt like I don't want any contact from him because after three years, it's like, I really don't need that apology. Thank you, but no thanks.

So, yeah, good for you, girl. Good for you. Thank you for sharing that story because I feel like we need to be sharing more of those stories with each other, our girlfriends, because everyone's been through it. We just don't talk about it.

Exactly. Yes.

And one thing about your story that I think is really interesting because I've known quite a few people that have moved cross country or to a different country for a dude, is when you do that, he's actually going to think less of you because ultimately what's going to happen is he's going to feel like she's going to be relying on me for everything, which means that she is not as independent as I would like her to be, which means that I cannot see her as a partner who is contributing in the same amount that I would contribute to a partner.