Nicole's Love Journey

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guide. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

I never felt the way I do without anyone but you.

Hello, my loves. And thank you so much for joining me on the get yout Guy coaching podcast. I have a really special guest with me today. It is a former client of mine and I think that we started like a year ago, right? It's been about a year when we've.

Had almost a year.

It's coming up, so. So I have the lovely Nicole with me today. Nicole, thank you so much for being on the podcast and sharing your journey with everyone. I think it's so important for people to hear what it looks like from beginning until maybe a year later. Right? So, Nicole, thanks so much for being here.

I am thrilled to be here.

So why don't you tell people who you are, what you do and we'll go from there.

Sure, sure. I'm an executive in the entertainment space and I have my own company right now. I started a few years ago. My background, I'm a black woman, I'm Caribbean background and you know, since college have lived in this bunch of different cities and really had. Have had like what I think is a pretty fun, interesting life, but was not doing very well in love when I met Anwar, when I was introduced to Anwar.

So let's talk a little bit about your love life before we were working together, because let's be honest, right? I think that the first, the beginning of our time together was a bit hard because there was so much happening in your love life right before we started working together. So can you just share, like what those past relationships kind of look like and how you were feeling after afterward?

Absolutely, absolutely. I was introduced to you from a great mutual friend of ours. We started talking right after I'd had two horrible situations. One, I'd been in a long term relationship probably. I think we were together for about two and a half, almost three years. And it was someone who.

I loved and I think in many ways was a good partner. But we were not aligned on some very critical things and things had become stagnant. And I think like a lot of folks during the pandemic, you kind of have come to Jesus. Moments around like, what am I doing with my life and what is going on? And so that broke off. I made the decision that this isn't going where I wanted to go. And, you know, I'm a woman of a certain age, shall we say, so.

It'S harder, you know, if you're 23 and you break up, it's probably maybe a little bit less upsetting, I don't know. But. So that was hard. I had had a fling.

Also with somebody after that who was a friend of a friend. That was just disastrous. And so I think I just felt.

Totally sad. Yeah. And confused.

And kind of.

Just kind of thinking, what? What's going on? Like, why can I not get this right? More so I just think I felt with relationships there was no roadmap, that I just was going up and down and up and down and, And. And I needed some. I needed. Whatever I was doing wasn't working. It just wasn't working. And I was choosing people who I think looked good on paper and had a lot of stuff that if I showed you a picture or said, okay, here's their background, people be, oh, yeah, great. But personality wise and goal wise and values wise and other things just weren't. Weren't right for me, definitely.

Okay, so you heard about me from a mutual friend.

Yeah.

And a lot of people talk about me. And I'm not trying to say that because I feel like I'm the shit or anything, but.

I guess I'm curious about, like, what made you take the step from, oh, this is an interesting fellow doing this to let me talk to him and get on a consultation call with him.

The friend is somebody who really knew what had happened with both of the relationships.

Okay. So she knew girl that it was a message.

Yeah. She had all this story. She's like, what are you doing? This is crazy. And she said, you know, you gotta work with this guy. I was like, what? And then she said. She mentioned a friend of another friend of hers who'd had great success, like a great experience. Great success. And she said, you gotta do this. I was like, oh, no, I'm not sure this sounds.

So what were you saying? I don't know. I don't know. Because. What.

But I hadn't thought about a dating coach. It seemed.

It seemed a little strange. I felt like, well, why shouldn't I know this, how to do this myself? This seems unnatural. Yeah. Why am I, you know, I think that was the resistance. And then when our friend said, no, no, no, and she'd known you prior to all this, you know, she'd known you before. And. And I thought, well, what. What harm can a conversation be? Because I also thought if I never talk to this person again, it won't matter because he doesn't really know me. I don't know him. If he's talking to people, he's probably heard everybody's craziness.

I should have.

Yeah.

No judgment. No judgment. I've heard it all.

And I say craziness also with no judgment. I think mine was also craziness. Not in the pejorative, just disarray. So, yeah, so I think that was it. I think I just felt so sad because when you have two things back to back happen and you really. I think I was at a transitional stage as well, as I said professionally. And I just thought, what is. What's going on here? And I think. I think the pandemic for a lot of people has been. I mean, I hope we're coming into the end of it now, but it has been a real kind of reset or, like, examination, and you see all this great resignation and, you know, all these things. So I think for me, it was also that. I just think I want to change this. You know, I've been to multiple friends weddings. Some friends had had babies in the time. Yeah. My sister's been married for several years. So I just was like, what is. What am I missing? What I'm not grotesque? Like, sort of, so what. So what am I doing? And I think you have to sort of examine yourself in terms of not so much judgment, but, like, what were you taught or what tendencies do you have, or personality things that you could change or traits you could change that will help you.

I remember what you were saying too often was, I feel like I'm behind.

Right. Yeah, that's a big.

I'm behind a lot. And so I'm only mentioning that because I feel like there are other people that feel that way as well. And I think to know that they're not alone and that not at all. When we see all of those things on social media, all of the baby announcements, all of the 100%, it's like it can really be triggering 100%.

And I'm glad you brought that up, because that's huge. I had. As I mentioned, I'd been to several friends weddings. I've been in some of the weddings as a bridesmaid, whatever, and you're going on the registry to buy the baby shower gift or whatever. And these are all people I'm close with, I went to school with, some are childhood friends, whatever people I know from my life and we're, I'm happy for them. This is not, this is not me not being happy. But I think you also, if you're, you aren't close to that, you also feel kind of a little bit of sadness in yourself. I think that's natural too. That's part of it. And I think especially for high achieving black women, I don't know, I think whether your background, whether you're black, American, Caribbean, African, I don't feel like it really matters. I think that we are girls, as women, we're taught school is so important. Study, study, study, get these degrees, get such and such job, don't. And I, I don't, I don't feel like we're taught about dating and relationships the same way. A lot of my other peers, that was part of it.

That's true.

We're just not as your parents and.

Our grandparents don't know much about it either.

No.

Even we're going to teach us. They would be teaching us 30% of the curriculum that we actually need to know.

Absolutely, absolutely. So that like, I think they don't teach us that stuff. It's not part of it. And also I know from colleagues who are other groups, you know, they have like, oh, there's this, they'll have look, there's some cultures that still have matchmakers, full out matchmakers or full out, whatever. We don't have that or that. Or there's a, there's a culture within like I look at some of my, you know, not to call this, but like some of my Jewish friends or South Asian friends, whatever. There's an actual marriage culture in those things. Whereas I don't know any black groups that have that. I just don't. And so I think that's also part of it that it's understanding like you might feel understanding that part of that behind is not only because you've been pursuing other things aggressively, but also because you may not have been empathized, may not have been emphasized from the time you were, the time that that would have needed to be emphasized. So.

And that's the story you're saying?

Yeah, and I think, I think it's my story, but I also think it's a story of a lot.

Totally, totally. So let's talk about the consultation. So how are you feeling in the consultation during and then afterward girl, that was a mess.

In a way. I felt sad and jumbled. But I think you also feel a Bit cathartic because you kind of let it all out of whatever's going on. So you kind of just like. It's like a brain duck.

Yeah. I think a really important point because so many of us don't have the space or opportunity to actually let all of this out. And I want to let everyone know that these consultations are a space to like really let it out. It's a super safe space. I'm not judgmental, like, and most of the people that I'm on the calls with do have emotions because we ask, we go there, Right. We ask the question so that. Because we have to bring things to the surface for you to have clarity about what's really going on. I think we like know half the story because we allow ourselves to know half the story. But when we bring it all out, we realize what's. Oh, there's a lot more here that I need to actually like explore and get into. Right. I remember, yeah, I remember after our consultation, you sent me a mini dissertation via email at 2am.

About your thoughts and how you were feeling and what's going on. Right.

Oh my God.

I'm not here to call you out.

But I think it's important.

I'm only saying that because I think we bring up a lot of stuff and I think if you, if people are interested in doing a consultation, realize that that's part of it and we have to do that to actually do the right. Talk to me about your 2am email girl.

Certain sort of professional worlds or social worlds, you're used to feeling more together or more, I don't want to say in control. I don't, I don't want to necessarily use that phrase, but I think you're feeling more self assured or more confident about something. And I just felt really, really insecure about the situation. It was such a brain dump and a thought dump and then I guess I was reacting to that later on. I think there was also a sense of slight relief that this is somebody who, if I do work with him, can help me get some sort of clarity and some sort of help with kind of an analysis of why this is happening and the deep dive that you need. Because I think when we think about dating, at least I did, you think about a lot of external things like looking good and, you know, your clothes, your grooming and maybe where you're gonna go. Where is this? But I don't. That I did the mental and psychological prep.

Yeah.

In the way that I think is so necessary for a lot of us. It Was for me, for sure. And I think a lot of people listening or working with you would agree it's helpful because more than helpful, it's vital. But I hadn't. I hadn't really done that in a real way. I don't think I'd done that. And I think that was me realizing, oh, this is more complicated. I. I thought this might be about. Because I did this on this day or whatever, but it's not. It's about.

It's not about those things. It's not about the thing you said or that thing that you did. So you talked about feeling a sense of relief and feeling like this potentially helped me. Help me gain clarity. And I'm assuming that's why you decided to work with me. Let's talk about actually working together, girl.

Right, okay.

Because it was a roller coaster.

Right?

It was a roller coaster. You were just coming from these two relationships, and we were sad and it was really hard. So, yeah, those first three, I would say two to three months were a little bit disjointed. Would you agree?

Yes. Yes. To all of what you said.

I was not as engaged as I should have been. The first few months. I was pandemic times. I had moved. I was trying to sort of. I have businesses in a couple different cities, so I was trying to sort of set all that up. I was dealing with some family stuff. So I think, in general, I wasn't putting the emphasis on the time and the work that I should have been.

And I really know it's work.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

I'm not just going to be chatting.

With you every week. No, no, it's not. It's when I. When I. So when things resettled. And I know we'll talk about that, but I told our mutual friend, I said, girl, this is real work. You don't understand. She's like, what? So I thought, he's just talking. I said, no, no, no. Because it's not only.

To my mind, you know, you ask for such a deep dive in terms of not only following the course, but doing the actual worksheet. Sort of physical taking you back to. For some of us would be back to fifth grade, sixth grade. But that's right back to actual worksheet. If you guys remember that from middle school, whatever type of stuff where you're really.

Sitting down and thinking about something.

We don't make the time to actually do that. Yeah, no, we don't. That's why it's so important to have those worksheets.

Yeah. I Agree. I know it's all good. It was so helpful. But I think it was making sure I was prepared, making sure I did the course stuff, making sure I did the worksheets, making sure whatever other exercises I had to do with people or with small things that you ask us to do that I'd be like, oh, I gotta do this by this day. And I think for me it was also as somebody who, as I said, I'm in, I work in film and television and there's a lot of meanings. So we have the tendency often to run late to meetings. And I got corrected quite quickly.

A boundary was set, let's say that I got.

I was. And I was like, oh. And, but, but it made me more disciplined in terms of saying, hey, I'm going to run five minutes late or hey, I'm just coming out of something or stopping something beforehand. So, so I think that helped. But, but I think yeah, the first few months I wasn't as engaged as I needed to be. I just wasn't. And I realized.

You know, I think maybe eight weeks in or something, I was like, what am I doing? Like, I'm not really engaged with this. Anwar is, you know, to quote my grandmother, good things aren't cheap and cheap things aren't good.

So to quote my 100 year old grandmother, I. And so I thought this is, if I'm going to do this, I have to do it. It's not, it's not a game, it's not a chit chat with your girlfriend over, you know, a glass of wine. That this is. You do it. And so I think after three months, I remember saying to you, I'm not ready to be done in three months. I think we talked about it. And so I did three plus six. So I did nine. Which I think was totally right for me because those first three I just wasn't. I did stuff, but I just wasn't engaged as I needed it to be. Like, I just wasn't.

Yeah, definitely. And that happens, Right. That's why my program is six months. Because that first six weeks is like, oh, you're asking me to do everything differently than I before. And there's always going to be resistance because we're humans and that's our natural reaction to things that are new. Right. But I'm here to give grace. But also some very clear boundaries about what's acceptable and what's not. And I think one of the things that I found in the first three months for us was also like, I'm very communicative And I expect other people to be as well, my clients. Because that is what's going to make your relationships amazing. Being able to reach out. And so, yes, we were having conversations 6am in the morning time. Right. Or conversing. And at the beginning, I think it was a little bit hard for you to, like, be like, oh, I need to be actually reaching out to him and talking to him.

Yes.

How I'm feeling and things like that. And that's an important part of the program. Right. Because that's what's going to be required of your relationship. And so I want to be that placeholder so that when you do get into that relationship and we'll talk about your amazing relationship later, that it becomes a seamless process. Right. So, yeah. So talk to me about some of the bigger lessons that you feel like you've learned in our time working together.

There's so many. I would just say, you know, for people listening and like, I didn't. Just so y' all know, I did not know Anwar before at all. We had some mutual touch points. But I think that's like, black people on the east coast in certain things have mutual touch points. Like, I don't think that's a thing.

Educated black folks.

Yeah, educated black folks.

Two degrees of separation. We know everything.

So it's not, you know, that's it. But I said to other friends, like, close friends of mine, following this, Anwar changed my life, like, just fully. And I just want to say, it's not paying me to talk like, I like that going on.

I learned a lot, I think about myself. I think I learned to forgive myself for a lot of things have happened. Yeah. And to forgive other people. I think the first thing I learned was how important family relationships are in shaping how you date and how you receive men. But I think there are things in their relationship that I saw and also in the way they dealt with me and still do deal with me, because we are still close. You know, we still talk all the time, and I see them all the time, whatever. So I think that was huge. And that I learned that. Oh, okay. You're doing this because you saw this in your parents dynamic. Are you doing this because your parents told you this or that? So I don't think I understood. The first several weeks or months, Anwar talked a lot about my family. And I was like, why is this fool talking about my mother?

In the first session, I remember you were talking about a disagreement that you had with your father.

Yes.

And you're like, why are we talking about my dad so much and I was like. Because how you interact with him is how you interact with men. And if you're having an argument with your father, then you're going to be argumentative with men for no reason. We don't need to men. Right. And I think so many people feel like I have to be heard and so I'm going to argue with you so you can hear me. No, we have to set boundaries and that's it.

Right.

And I think it's a different way of being with men. To your point about not knowing how to engage with men in a way that is going to make you feel safe and secure. Right. And having. Being empowered enough to make the choice about engaging with certain relationships and not.

Right.

So yes, we do talk about familial relationships quite a bit.

A lot. I was shocked by how much and I think it made me understand those relationships better and also understand how I could like what I had learned that was good. What I learned that was not helpful. Like all that. Like that was huge. Vulnerability was a big thing for me. Just learning how to be honest with people and share with people. And I don't think I'm alone here that a lot of especially black women, you're not. You're. You're taught to be kind of strong or shake it off or you can just, you know, you're smart, you can figure it out or whatever. But I had to learn how to be kind of okay with emotions and not only be okay with them, but be okay with sharing them. I think is more. Isn't you okay inside but okay with saying to somebody, I'm upset that you did this or I feel bad about X and I'm. That's something I'm still working on. Like I. I am working at sharing with people how I feel with people.

That you're the way that you are now. It's like night and day though, from like a year ago. And so I just want to pause you and say I'm really proud that you've made in vulnerability and boundary setting.

Yes, that's the other thing I was gonna say.

It's like night and day from last year.

Thank you. Oh, that means a lot. That means a lot that you said that because I work on it every day.

Yeah.

Say more about boundaries are huge. You know, as I said, I think. I don't know, man. I think especially black family. We're not.

There are no boundaries.

There are no boundaries. It's not good. We're just like up in people's and up and people's face. Up in people's face, man. Boundaries. You know, my parents had very few, almost none. My sister as well. I thought that was normal. And I almost felt like asking for those boundaries was. Was mean or was extra, like, aggressive. Like extra. I didn't need to be doing that.

Yeah.

And Anwar was very kind of like, no, you have to do this. You have to set boundaries. And you. You told me you're like, boundaries make you feel peaceful or something. Like boundaries. There was a phrase you. I hope I'm saying it right. But that was huge because I really started to set boundaries with my parents.

That they had a tantrum once or twice about. And I. And that's an.

Emotional boundaries. I would. I would. I would say as well, emotional.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think with the time that was. It was also emotional because it was like, I can spend this time with you or this phone call with you, but I can't do this. Many more boundaries is hard, but I think it's a vital part of the. A vital. Vital part of the work that we do.

Talk to me about that one time where you noticed that actually, I'm a different woman. Like, that you had changed. And also maybe other people noticed that you've made some changes as well. Because I think it's important. Sometimes we're like, oh, I didn't freak out like I usually do. Or, oh, I did this. And I would have never done that before. Is there, like, a moment in your head that's like, oh, I'm changing. I'm making different moves here?

I think in. Probably there's a couple. One was, I think when I did set boundaries with my parents, I remember my mom. I can't remember what the boundary was, but my mother had, like, a bit of a tantrum, and I was really upset. And I remember talking to you about it, and you said, oh, okay, she's gonna be fine in a day or two. And she was. And I thought, oh, this works. Like, this isn't. No, nothing's gonna happen. There's gonna be no explosion or whatever.

World's not gonna end.

Yeah, the world's not gonna end. And a friend of mine, I think it was our mutual friend, said, oh, you're different. She made a comment, and I don't remember what I had said. I really don't. But she made that comment. I was like, oh, okay. I think for me, it was seeing the results of some of the boundaries and also feeling like it was okay to put myself first. Yeah. That, I think, is a Huge thing for me. And I don't know what people listening, maybe they have that too. But I think I felt. I'm the oldest child, you know, there's a lot of expectations and so. And I kind of felt like I have to put other people's needs first or I have to. And I think Anwar, such as, you know, it's not about just. I don't give a thing about it. It's not that. But you have to focus on what's good for you and what's right for you. Kind of like, you know, put on your own oxygen mask before you put on the airplane seat. So I don't think I had really understood that. And I think I started to do that and I'm still working on that. That's not selfishness, right? That self preservation. It's not you being selfish.

Yeah.

It's you being. Wanting to be healthy and be right for people and that kind of thing. And I even had a client who's one of my. A client who I've been working with for many years. We had a meeting the other day about something and she said, you sound really calm.

And I said, oh, okay. She said, no, you sound. She made a comment and I was like, huh? And you know, it was just a moment and we went on to what we were talking about. But that made me think. I was like, oh, maybe that's. I feel more grounded and more kind of settled. And also I feel okay about saying no. So I think it's that. I think it's a lot of the behavioral changes and folks noticing and me also recognizing it's okay to be vulnerable, to be. Have the boundaries to adjust how you're receiving the world.

Yeah, I love that so much. I think that's so important. So you got your guy. Yes, and he's lovely. Let's talk a little bit about that process of you getting your guy and maybe some of the mental drama that comes with that, because so many people will actually come to me and be like, yeah, I'm ready, I'm gonna get my guy. But then when it actually happens and this happens with all of my clients, then we start to get into like the. Maybe some insecurities, some self sabotage. Right. Some mind drama happening. So talk to me about how you got your guy, a little bit about your guy, and then we'll talk about what that's looked like for you over the past few months.

Okay.

Well, I'll start with how I got him. We met online. We. I took him through the funnel on where's funnel. And that funnel. I know.

I first I saw that funnel, I was like, this is. This is like an obstacle course. What's this mess?

Yeah, with an obstacle course. You were right.

I remember being very skeptical. That funnel. I don't know about this, but.

We did the funnel and he. He went through it fine. And we had a phone call. I think. I think we may have had one or two phone calls. I don't remember. And then we went on a date. And the first date was really simple. We just went to. It was. It was still nice outside. So we went for, like, a coffee and a walk and like a park and this big park that's in our city and stuff. And it was good. It was a good first date. Basically, after each date, I. And before dates, I was at that point communicating with Anwar about the dates and not only about that, about other people I was meeting and what stages we were at and their profiles and all that stuff. And we had this person and I. My. My now boyfriend and I had great communication and we did. We went out again. I think it was maybe that next weekend or something. It was quick, quick, quick. And. And then just started dating, you know, it was. It was. I communicated with Anwar throughout. I think what I was surprised at is it was easy.

I want to talk about this. This notion of easy because I think so many people feel like. Because maybe in the past it's been hard, that it could be a struggle, that we have the struggle bus for love. But no, it is actually supposed to be easy.

Right.

And you were so shocked. Every time you talk to me, you're like, it's really easy. It's super easy. I was like, girl, this is how it's supposed to be.

It. It was easy. I really. You're. Yes, I was completely shocked and I mentioned it because it was easy. I mean, I think we realized early on we're looking for similar things. Yeah. Or the same thing, really. And I think what I like about him is that he's, you know, I think every girl has kind of a list of what they want, you know, and he certainly has the things on that list, which is lovely. But more so than not, because, I mean, there's a lot. Look, the other people. I did have a lot of things on the list, too. So it's more like he's emotionally available. Like he's done his own work and is also interested in, you know, actually having a relationship and the work that that requires. And I think I can be. I think what's. What's. Exciting for me is that I can be myself. I can be vulnerable. I can sort of just be. Just be myself. And there's not a lot of. I don't feel judged.

The other thing that you were mentioning too was he's such a nice guy.

Yes.

Nice guy. Every time it was. I'm like, girl, he's a great guy. Like, what is this about the nice guy? That's how he's supposed to be.

I think I had dated people who probably weren't as nice, you know, and just. I think he made things. He was very kind. He's a very kind person. And I, I. And I think it puts. Like it's concerned about me, about my well being. Are you okay? In a way that I just. I guess the people I dated previously probably just weren't. Weren't as concerned. I think what Anwar helped me to do was not only find somebody who sort of fit external checkboxes because that's. And that might be important. Let's face it. You can't pay a light bill with love. Right? So, like, it's nice to say it's not, but I'm not. So it's that. Right. You know, that's. That stuff is. There is some importance there. But I think more so somebody who was also.

A match for you. Me personally, like a match in terms of personalities and values and kind of interests and where you want to go together and how you want to do something like that is a bigger thing. And I don't think I'd had that match. Like, you can, you know, that, that, that is super important. And I think I, I'm just, I'm just, I, I'm, I'm shocked at how easy it is. But I'm also. There's a little bit of. You're like cautiously optimistic because kind of waiting like, oh, is something going to happen? I don't know. But so far it's never been this good.

So I think it's natural to feel that way. Right.

Definitely drop.

I hear that so often with all of my clients. I get into relationships.

Yeah.

Sometimes it doesn't drop. But if it does drop, you have the skills to actually pick it back up together with you.

Yes.

Which I think is like super important, you know?

Absolutely.

One of the things that I'll just highlight that I think is really important that people I think skip over is that when we were making a decision about whether we wanted. You wanted to be exclusive with him, we went and figured out an evaluation to figure out if this is someone who is Checking all of those boxes. Right. Really, really fulfilling all of the needs that you personally have based on the experiences that I think it's important. And the other thing that we did was we went through what that exclusivity conversation was going to look like, which is really important. I actually just did the same thing with another client yesterday because I think it's important to understand, like, how do I bring this up? How do I talk about this in a way that he can digest it, understand it, and it's not too overwhelming. Right. So you had this exclusivity conversation. It went really well. And I got an email that night saying, we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yeah, no, I was. I was really. I had never. I had never had that in that way. And I remember what was great was Omar kind of just helping guide me through it. So there was a plan for me that's important. Like, what's the blueprint? What's the plan? So then, because I think for something like this to go in just off the cuff, it could go all kind of ways. But it was nice to have say, okay, this is what. This is what you start with. Or here's what you know, how to structure this. And so I went in feeling pretty confident. We had the conversation, and it was just. It was. It wasn't long. I mean, it may have been 5 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, but. But yeah, it was. It was great. And. And then that. That was kind of. That.

Yeah, good. So talk to. Talk to the people out there, if they are on the fence about potentially working with me. What did you tell them about the get your guy program and the experience?

If you are serious about finding a true relationship, somebody who. Whatever that looks like for you, I think you should do this. I describe it to people as. I'm always like a relationship therapist on steroids.