Of My Own Making with Daria Burke

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week, you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can. You guessed it. Get your guide. You ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, ladies. I hope everyone is doing well. Welcome to the getyourguy coaching podcast. I have a very special guest, a very dear friend of mine, Daria Burke. I hope you're doing well. Welcome to this podcast. I just want to let you all know she has written an amazing book about how we can really dig into our own life, our own story, to transform, to live, to thrive, to heal. And y' all know me, I don't really bring people onto this podcast to talk about books, but I just feel like this work and this book is so transformative, and I really, truly believe that it will inspire you to actually recreate and retell your own story to thrive. So, Daria, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much for having me, Anwar. This is exciting.

It is. How you doing, girl?

I'm good. I'm good. I'm hunkered down, trying to stay warm, but other than that, I'm great.

Awesome. Well, why don't you tell all of the listeners out there a little bit of your backstory, kind of where you come from and where you are now, and then we'll start talking about your journey.

Yes. Okay, so let's see. I'm born and raised in Detroit.

All right, girl.

I know. And it's funny because most people don't guess that, so it's usually pretty shocking, but born and raised in Detroit, both of my parents unfortunately struggled with addiction. I was raised by my mom. My parents split up when I was. When I was 2 years old. So I had a front row seat, I usually say, to my mom's addiction and my dad's. I sort of became aware of a little bit later, later on as I got a bit older, and. And so that was difficult. You know, we grew up in extreme poverty, my sister and I, and.

And it was. It was tough and, you know, school for me, I think, as a lot of people, particularly who come. Who don't come from means and don't come from, you know, when you're. When you're bright and you're astute and you get a lot of validation at Being good at something, you really lean into it. And for me, that was school. And so that was always kind of my way out. You know, I always saw that. I, I don't know, I think there was this element of understanding that my mom was making a choice to not be well. And so therefore I had a choice to do things differently. And, and I should also say I never really saw my upbringing or kind of the environment that I was in as mine. You know, it wasn't my doing, it was circumstantial. And so I think it was also easy to imagine a world where there was this other life that was waiting for me. So I, you know, busted my butt through school. I went to college at the University of Michigan. I came out of university at 20 and started this career in the architecture interior design industry and loved that, but wanted to do something a little bit more creative. And that led me to New York, to business school. So I was 25 when I moved to New York City 100 years ago.

And just FYI, ladies, this is exactly where we met because we were going to business school at the same time and we were both into fashion and if, you know, top business schools, most people aren't into fashion passion.

That's right. Especially back then. Right. So we're talking about 2006 when I moved to New York and, and you know, started. And I know we'll kind of get into this, but started my beauty career at l'. Oreal. I started as an intern and then joined them full time after graduation. And that sort of like set off this almost 20 year career in beauty and fashion. A mix of retail still with beauty at the center and all the way up until my last corporate role as the chief marketing officer at JustFab, which is part of the textile fashion. So sort of shoelaced through organizations like l' Oreal and Estee Lauder, CBS and Facebook, now meta. But you know, at the time, Facebook and yeah, and it was really this kind of climb, even though it felt like a jungle gym, this climb to the top of a career that at, you know, when I went, when I started, it was exactly what I wanted. And I think the more I began to question why I was doing certain things, why I was pursuing those things where I found a lot of joy and fulfillment, it became really clear to me that that wasn't it, you know, and, and so when I made the decision to, to leave my work at the time I thought I was just going to take a break. And during that break, I kind of, or during that during the resignation, frankly, I hadn't even left my, my work yet. I had given like five or six weeks notice. That was when the idea to write this book sort of came to me. It felt very much like a cosmic tap on the shoulder that was just like, so. So that's where I am. So I am currently in East Hampton, where I've spent the last couple of years writing this book and normally in la. And. But yeah, I'm out east right now, you know, staying warm. But yeah, my life looks so different. You know, I can't, I couldn't have imagined when I, when I gave notice, it was back in 2021, that this is, is how the last few years would unfold. And I should add, I still, you know, use that operating experience. I sit on a couple of boards, I advise a lot of early stage founders. Actually had a call earlier this morning with a founder about her beauty company. So I still get to stay proximate to that in a different way. And I love it. But it's been a really interesting shift to author speaker life.

Yeah, amazing one. Obviously. Like I was saying before, your book of my own making. Correct?

Yes.

It's super personal, it's super vulnerable, and I think that a lot of people are actually going to really res. Resonate with your story, your journey. Right. I know that you said that in your current life, you know, our paths are kind of going in so many different directions, but why did you feel like it was time right now to share your story?

You know, it's interesting. So I would say probably 10 years prior, I had the idea that at some point I was going to share my story. And so I must have been about 30 at the time, maybe 31. And I didn't know exactly the format, but a book seemed like the way that it was going to go. I also knew I wasn't ready. And so I had lunch with the one person I knew in publishing at the time back then and said, you know, what is it? What does it mean to write a book? Tell me about the experience of it and the process of it. And, you know, she kind of walked me through the process for nonfiction. And I was like, cool, cool, cool. I'm not ready. And then I just parked it. To be honest with you, it didn't have a deadline. I wasn't like, okay, at this point in my life or career, I'm going to be ready. I'll just know when I'm ready. And like I said, you know, I'd given notice and within the first Week during my, you know, sort of down ramp, my off ramp from my CMO role, I just kind of got this tap on the shoulder that was like, it's time. And I think if I think about maybe what had given way to that awareness or, you know, the possibility for that idea to come through, I think it was a combination of things. I had definitely done a lot of work, and, you know, I write about that. I'm sure we'll talk about that. I had even by then maybe 15 years of experience, you know, in a form of modalities, whether it was talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy to somatic work. I mean, you name it, I had. Had probably tried it. I had gotten a brain scan to understand trauma. Oh. Like, I was so deep into it. And so I think I had the tools to revisit it. And I think the other piece of it, truthfully, is that.

I just got the sense that a lot of people were suffering. You know, we were coming out of the pandemic. People hadn't had to sit with themselves.

Yeah.

The way that we were forced to. And I felt like a lot of people couldn't handle what was coming up. And whether that was people in my life, I was seeing it, you know, up close and then at a distance. And I don't know, it just felt like a moment to bring my story forward as an offering to other people to say, you don't have to suffer, or at least not alone. And. And that you can also, you know, tell a new story, change the narrative. So, yeah, I think it just. All of it kind of came together at this really interesting time.

Thank you for sharing that. You mentioned a bit about your parents being, you know, having addiction issues. I will tell you, my dad was also a drug addict and actually spent time in prison. And I think that really deeply affects us and how we grow up. And, you know, our kid brains will tell us that it's about us. Right. Because that's the kid ego. And so I'd love to talk a little bit about kind of. And obviously you talk a bit about this in your book, but.

How do you transfer this experience to driving forward in your academic and, like, professional aspirations and ambitions? Like, how do you make that jump or that transition? Because there's so many of us out there that actually don't do that. Right. And then also on the other extreme, like, probably you and I. Right. Maybe we're overcompensating for certain things. Right. So talk to me about your transition and journey from this humble beginning to where you Went.

You know, it's funny, I actually think that. I do think there tends to be one of two responses. My initial response, I think, was mostly out of fear. It came from a place of not a people not wanting people to find out. And so, you know, my. My mother's. My earliest memories of my mother's addiction and her drug of choice. Drugs of choice were really cracking cocaine. And I would say probably age 7 is my earliest memory of it. And so at that time, it was just about making sure that people didn't observe what was going on, which meant not looking, like I wasn't cared for. So I, you know, put myself together every day and I went to school, my clothes were pressed, I learned to comb my hair. I just, I, you know, it was. It was easy. Easier in a way, I think, to. To pretend that everything was fine in order to feel safe from potentially child protective services coming. And my mom would threaten that. I mean, you know, she. When she was angry, she would threaten. If we said anything about, you know, being upset with her behavior or anything, she would always say, well, you know, you think it's better with me? Like, if someone calls child protective services, they will take you, they will split you up. You know, you two won't even live together if you wind up in a household where there is a man, he'll probably rape. I mean, she was very, very threatening with ideas. So we knew it as an entity to fear. And so anybody who was a part of a system, you know, was not to be trusted. And so I think it initially came from fear. It morphed into shame. I think when I was old enough to learn that, oh, other kids don't have this same problem. Other kids have parents that actually, you know, make them snacks and, you know, check their homework and are there for them. And it. And it was clear that there was something that, you know, my mother was not like other mothers. So I think school was. Was a way out. It was where I got information. You know, my mother was a very bright woman. She graduated high school and she was 15. So I think being. That came naturally to me to do well in school. And because it happened to also feel like a safe space where I was getting validated, I was like, I'm just going to keep doing this.

Yeah.

By the time I was in middle school, I think that's when I knew, like, this is my way out. If there's a way out of this, it's going to be through school. It's going to be, you know, going. Going to college. It's going to be, you know, doing the opposite of everything that I had seen. So it sort of evolved, I think, from what felt like core safety, Right. To.

A different kind of security and stability and. And sort of reckoning with the ways in which you do that and not having a template or a blueprint. And so using is kind of the way to do that, you know. And then along the way, you sort of learn about business school, and you're like, what's an mba? And, you know, you need to give you these other nuggets of information and kind of that feels obvious, like, okay, well, I'll just do that next. And you kind of start checking off the boxes. But it really didn't start that way.

I love that you named shame, because I do think it's. It's often happens like that where it's like, fear. Fear turns to shame, and then that shame to, like, overachiever Bridge is real.

Well, and P.S. right, like, I was born on the third rail, so to speak. Right. I grew up poor, black and female. And so the world. There's no shortage of information that tells you that that is not the ideal setup.

Right, right, right, right.

That ain't it. So I think it was also ingrained, you know, it's very subconsciously, like, be the right kind of black girl, which meant being educated and, you know, doing well and being good and all of those kind of things. It was very easy to sort of feed into that aspect of it as well, you know, and school became, you know, was just a natural part. Achieving, I should say more broadly was such a natural part of that.

Yeah. That's why I love that you've written this book, because there's a true power to storytelling and reframing our personal narratives. Right. To let go of that fear and that shame. What's been kind of the biggest shift that you've seen in your own story.

I think integrating it, you know, there was a long time where in my mind there was this other person that this happened to and that the life that I was living now was the real life. And because I didn't let those two coexist, I was so detached from my feelings. You know, I was afraid to feel my feelings. I was terrified that if I allowed myself to look at it and really sort of take inventory of everything I had been through, like, you know, that kind of neglect, that kind of abuse that I wouldn't get up off the floor, I was like, I'm not going to be well.

Yeah.

So I think just owning it and Recognizing that, like that happened to you is a part of your story. It's a part of how you got here, you know, and you get to decide what you do with that. But you can't pretend like it didn't exist. You know, you have to sort of face it. And so I think being able to accept that I had the family that I had, the parents that I had, that I had the.

Or didn't have, you know, the kid that wasn't there, and to not. And to be okay being sad about not having that, because I think the other thing is like, well, that was a long time ago. I shouldn't feel sad about that. And so feeling, feeling sad that I was sad, you know, and that it's not. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay for it to still be painful. It's okay for it to still be.

Something that's. I don't know that I wish that things were different, but I think I. It's okay to imagine sometimes, like, well, gosh, how, how might things look if they had been different, if my parents had been. Well or, you know, if they could have been the people that I imagine they wanted to be. You know, I don't, I can't fathom that their, that their lives turned out the way that they wanted them to either. And so I think even that.

I. It's a freedom, I think, that you feel when you let those selves, sort of those multiple selves coexist. And I think that's probably changed the most for me. I mean, we wouldn't be talking at all if I hadn't allowed for that to come, you know, for that to come together because I never talked about it publicly.

I know. That's why this book was, to me, no shade. Yeah. And I, I want to encourage everyone out there to write their own narrative and rewrite their own story. I feel like you have done that so beautifully and I think that there is a true healing to that. What is the benefit of integrating? Right? Because I think so many of us out there are still running away from that little girl, right, that was poor or got teased because she was darker skinned or different or ate different food or was an immigrant or what have you.

Wholeness. You, you, you. Wholeness. I mean, you can't be whole. You can't find a sense of, I think, true wholeness and well, being a sense of self that's rooted in something so deep because it's rooted in your truth. I think it's really hard to be whole and Embodied if you don't. And. And I can think about all the ways that I wasn't, you know, the. Whether it was, like, who I dated, who I worked for, the stuff I talk about that.

What does that look like exactly?

Oh, my God. I mean, you know, you talk a lot about unavailable people dating unavailable people. You know, you're like, that was me. Oh, my God. I was the queen of dating the man who was not emotionally available because I wasn't.

Right.

And I was attracting somebody who was drawn to the veneer. He was drawn to what I was serving up, which was, you know, the good girl, the very successful person who was well educated, who didn't have. Who didn't have bad feelings about lots of things, you know, who could just go along with everything. And on the one hand, like, that's generally also true. Right. Like, I tend to be a very positive person. I tend to, you know, be naturally quite exuberant about a lot of things. Like, I can get excited about anything. And I'm a deep feeler and I'm a deep thinker, and there are certain things that are just really, just really important in my nurturance. And, you know, anybody in my life, whether it's a friend or a partner, you know, they have to show up kind of with that nurturing spirit. And. And I used to, you know, really focus on. I saw stability and security, particularly in men. I saw it in their. Their own achievement, their own accomplishment, their own, you know, financial success. And that's. That's important.

Most definitely.

Very important. I should say, like, I don't. I don't date broke dude. Like, I've never dated somebody who doesn't have means. Right. And I don't. That won't change. But his capacity to also be there emotionally has to be there. That emotional intelligence has to be there. And so I would often find myself dating people who just didn't, didn't, couldn't, wouldn't go there and could even fathom seeing me beyond, you know, but what they wanted to see and what I kept reinforcing.

Yeah, Yeah. I love. I love this conversation so much because I always say that if you are showing up as, like 60 of yourself, and unfortunately, so many women of color do that, they split their personalities. They're one way with family, one way with friends, one way at work, one way, you know, in their romantic lives, it's going to be really hard for you to be fully loved. And I think, I love this, this notion of integration and owning and accepting all of. Because when you are able to do that. You are able to show up as your full, authentic self and be fully loved and all of your relationships and.

Not judge it, you know, because that's the other thing. It's like we judge ourselves for having needs. We judge ourselves for having desire. And it's like you're a human being, like, of course you needs, and it's okay. And it's not to say that that person has to meet all of them. It's to say that you have them to acknowledge having needs in general. And then thinking about, okay, well, what. What do I need? What does that look like? And what can I give to my. And we don't heal in a vacuum, right? We don't heal by ourselves. You know, you have to be in relationship with other people to come in contact sometimes with like, those parts that need healing. And sometimes that does happen with, I think, in. In relationship with other people and. And through different. Different kinds of relationships.

Yeah, I love this. What I know for sure and what I teach my clients. And it's often very hard to do right. When you are exploring that maybe not so joy growing up is that what you desire in your relationship is based on what you didn't get when you were a kid. So you have to. You have to be able to explore that and be okay with honoring that experience. A lot of us, especially as black folk, find it very difficult to say negative things about our parents. But I know that you, if you are not able to do that, you will not heal and you will not do this work. Well, yeah, you had a reaction there. Talk to me about that.

You need to be able to tell the truth. Tell it like, whatever that truth is, you know, And I think you're right. It's funny. I'm literally working on a piece right now about black maternalism in particular and our unwillingness. I mean, culturally, right, we are not allowed to say anything bad about our moms or our grandma, whatever. You cannot go there. But if you are not willing to tell yourself the truth, you will never face the thing that's holding you back. And I remember saying to an ex boyfriend, I write about this. We. We were living together at this point. We were together for four, four and a half years. And he was so hard to talk to. Anytime I wanted to have a conversation about something difficult, he would shut down. And I remember saying to him, I feel like I felt when I was a little kid writing letters to my. I used to write my mother these letters, and I would slide them under her door, even if she got angry. I just wanted a response. I just. I would, you know, say things like, I know that you're not well. Let me help you. I know you're sick. And she would ignore them. And I remember saying to him, I feel like I did when I used to try to get my mom to say anything to me, to open up to me, to reach out to me. And when I did, Anwar, the light bulb went on, and I was like, I got to go. I got to get out of this relationship. Because I heard myself say it out loud. I was like, holy cow. I have just brought this whole thing back in this relationship. So, yeah, we will absolutely continue to recreate that storyline. And it'll get sneaky. Right? Like, the more healing you do, it starts looking like one thing, and then it looks like something else. And you're like, oh, wait, damn. Nope, I'm doing it again. I'm doing it again. Yeah.

I'm so glad that we're talking about this, because what I know is that if you're a woman of color, if you're a black woman, you will date your mother. And many of our mothers have narcissistic tendencies because of the trauma that they've gone through, unfortunately. And so this is why I think your work is so transformative, because it explores that relationship so much. Right. I know that obviously you talk about your mother's addiction, your grandmother's passing, and how they were defining moments for you early in your life. I'd love to kind of understand a bit more about how these relationships have evolved as you've written this book.

Well, you know, I think I'll start with my grandmother because it's. It's tempting to lionize her and revere her. And she was also a person, and she. And she raised my mother. Right. So she had a hand. Some hand in my mother. And to some extent, I won't say how she turned out, because I think that's our choice. But there was. There was stuff there, and I didn't see it. And so I think it's very easy to just put this person on a pedestal. And I definitely, in some ways, I do. You know, I think she was in many ways the caregiver that in those early years for me, I really needed because my mom was so young. And frankly, I think I question how well my mother was even before my own awareness of her addiction.

Yeah.

So I imagine my grandmother was. Her presence was in large part perhaps due to. Due to that need for us to have that kind of care. And so I Think my relationship with her has changed only in as much as I've allowed myself to make room for the fact that she wasn't a perfect mother either. Yeah.

Wow.

I don't know how. I don't know what that meant, you know, but I. I know that for sure because none of us are perfect. And she started. She had a family. So. Yeah, I mean, she was born in 1932 in Mississippi, and so she got married, and at 15, I had my. My oldest. My first uncle when she was 15 years old. So by the time she was 20, she had had three kids. And then my mom came in her second marriage. And so, you know, she was a bit older, late 20s, when she had my mother, more of an adult, but, like, kind of just barely. So there's no way she was a perfect mother. I think with my mom, you know, we've been estranged for over 20 years, and so that hasn't changed throughout this process, I think. What. And I read.

Sorry to interrupt. Can I just say, for anyone that's listening, that is okay.

Oh, absolutely.

Okay. And for many of us, we may have to do that.

Yes. I mean, you know, look, we can't heal in the same places we got sick. And I think that I would have had capacity, I should say I have the capacity to imagine a world where my mother and I could be in relationship one day if. And this is why we're not in relationship, because I can't live in an alternate reality where what happened to me as a kid didn't happen. And she has not, you know, accepted that. And it doesn't have to be as extreme as my case. You know, there was a lot of neglect. I mean, you know, there would be times when we were very young, she'd be gone for days at a time, and she just sort of, like, leave us at home, you know, and so there's that. There are extremes of, like, growing up with, you know, without running water or electricity or heat in the house or whatever. And then sometimes there are other things, other behaviors that maybe aren't that form of abuse, but that for whatever reason, you. And I'm talking to your audience now, right? Like, you can't have a relationship with that parent or that person, and it's okay, because if that person is not able to show up and actually say, yes, this happened. Yes, I'm sorry, I played a role in the pain that you feel or, you know, whatever it is that you feel like you're. You're grappling with. If that person can't show up, then you don't have a relationship. And so that alternate reality isn't one that I can live in. What I will say before I wrote the book, but I think the book cemented my. The grief that I felt for my own childhood, I think was transmuted to grief for the life that she didn't have. I started to feel more grief that I didn't get to watch her become this incredible person and woman. And, you know, that whatever dreams she had for herself, she didn't get to fulfill. And so. And I'm the age. About the age now that she was when we became estranged. So it's hard to imagine not her not having, you know, a rich and full life and experience. And so that's. That's sad. You know, I think that's probably if anything changed. The most for me is. Is more of how the grief can look when you can really feel compassion for somebody else and, and not. It doesn't mean that I don't feel it for myself, but I've grieved a lot of that in ways. But I can now look at her own life and say, gosh, it's, It's. It's sad that she didn't get to have more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The way that I think about this, while honoring that is also, like. It's also as I think about my life or our lives and the opportunities that we get to have as well. Like, as you talk about that integration part and like all of that contributes to where you are now, it's like, it often serves as a blessing as well. But I want to talk. I want to talk about the healing journey because this. This book is not just about, right, like, what you've gone through. It's also about how you've healed. And I think you give such a great, kind of a bit of a roadmap for people to, like, one, inspire them to heal on their own, but also kind of how you've done it. I know that, you know, you learned a lot about psychology as well, as well as neuroplasticity. And so I'd love for you to talk a little bit about that and like, how that has helped you in your healing journey.

Yeah. You know, I think learning about neuroplasticity and epigenetics in particular gave language.

Just let the girls know what all of that is if they don't know.

Yeah. So neuro. Neuro is neuron. Right. So it's in the brain and it really speaks to our neural connections. And plasticity means malleability. Changeability. And so neuroplasticity is really just the quality of the brain that it can be changed, it can be altered. It is. It is not static, it is mutable, it is dynamic. And as much as we, you know, accumulate new experiences and we learn, learn new things, our brains change to accommodate that new information. So that's really what neuroplasticity is and means and how it works and. And by. By the way, pretty much for your entire life until you're very into very old age. So it's never too late for that. That change to happen. Epigenetics is a study of how the way in which our environment and the anything that we inherited, sort of through. Not through DNA, but through experience, is impacts the way our genes get expressed, right? So if you think about epidermis is my favorite explanation of this, right? The dermis is the skin. And so anything on the epidermis is on top of. Right? And so you have your genes, and then you have what happens on top of those genes to impact how they get expressed. So you might have a propensity towards.

Singing, right? That may be something in your family that you have a sort of natural inclination towards, but for whatever reason, you're silenced as a child, and so you don't express yourself in that way. And so, you know, that could be an example of, like, an epigenetic expression. So could alcoholism or, you know, people have talked about it as a disease. But drug. Drug addiction and alcoholism are also theoretically, you know, epigenetic responses to a combination of whatever genes you have and what you did inherit and then the environment. And so once I understood that, it gave language to my. The way I thought about the world naturally, which was environment matters. And so I want to be surrounded by people who behave in healthy ways, who engage in healthy practices, you know, who are. Who value the same things I value. I want to be surrounded by that kind of, you know, affirmation and also what I take in, right. And what I allow myself to consume. And so if you're consuming negative messages, whether you're telling them yourself or you're surrounded by people who are reinforcing negative things about you, that also becomes true, right? Those things also manifest. So that was kind of towards, you know, in a way, it kicks off the book, but it was kind of when I had that language that I knew that it was time to write it, because I could express some version of.

How. How we change and how somebody could come from where I come from or where we come from and could wind up you know, getting to a really wonderful, healthy place. But when I talk about the modalities, gosh, I mean, there are so many. It started with talk therapy, and I did talk therapy for ever. I mean, I still. You know, I still do. If you can't tell, I integrate by speaking. So for me, it's really important to be able to process through language. But somatic healing is a game changer. And so however you can get things, you know, whatever we feel gets stored in our body. You know, a lot of times we think about stress, and we feel, like, the tension we feel in our shoulders, our necks get tight, whatever it is, right? That is a somatic response to stress. Now imagine if you've been through something far, far greater, you know, far worse than just a stressful week at work or a busy crunch at work.

And many of us have.

And many of us have. That lives in your body, too. Mine lived in my belly, and I would usually do. Yeah, so I would get sick. I would get nauseous, very constipated. I mean, like, everything. All the information was always in my stomach. And so when I started to learn that, I started to think about, like, just even, like, belly massage. Like, I will give myself belly massages, you know, thinking about things that are calming to my, you know, my nervous system, physically. I'm a dancer, so, you know, I grew up doing dance and doing theater, and still solo dance party is, like, the number one way to get anything that's in my body, like, out. I will just turn on music and sometimes, like, five minutes, sometimes it's, you know, two hours, but. But, you know, just trying all these different things to be in my body and to feel feelings. Because I think once you can feel the feelings, you can sort of think about how do I let them out. And so for me, I write, I speak, you know, in talking, and I have to move my body to sort of get things out. And I meditate. I mean, I. For me, that is those four. If I do nothing else.

Have probably have saved my life.

I love that. One of the things that we do in my program is find we have, like, a dating trigger worksheet, and then we create a trigger plan for, like, when we have those stresses come up. And it can be a variety of different things, whether it's baking, whether it's dancing. And by the way, I have a theory which is, like, the reason why black people know how to dance so much is because they had to to release all the stress and trauma that they were going through. But singing, what have you? Right. Like having that plan is so important. And I think you talking about this is also kind of validating that. I think it's important for all of us to have that sort of kind of. I call it trigger plan. But, you know, owning a modality or leaning into something that is going to work for you, and obviously different modalities work for different kinds of people and.

Different triggers, to your point. Right. Because I think each trick I call triggers information. Triggers are just information. And so that is just, you know, your body's way of telling you look here, and once you look there, I think you'll typically feel intuitively, you know, you'll kind of know what you need. You just be willing to look.

Of course. Of course. So this podcast is all about actionable insights, things that people can kind of take away. So for those that are kind of struggling with their past and don't know kind of where to start, what is, like, one step that they can kind of take today toward their healing and even toward their integration. Right?

Yeah, I. I would say tell someone. Say it out loud. Just tell someone, you know, I am feeling whatever I'm feeling because this happened to me and. Or this happened to me. And I think it's. It's. It's, you know, living in my life in this way. Right? It's either living your life because you're afraid to look at it, you're ashamed, and you feel like if somebody knew, they won't love you. You know, so obviously, when I say tell somebody, tell someone you trust and. And someone who, you know, deeply cares about you. But I think giving voice to it, you know, when I think about. For me, I kind of have these four sort of points to change and sort of the first, this framework of, like, what does it take for us to change? And the first is. Is awareness. And we're usually aware, right? We don't always want to acknowledge it, but, you know, we're usually aware. And so bringing it into a conscious awareness by sharing it with someone or writing it down. If you write it down, they'll read it out loud. Because I think saying it out loud and giving voice to it is really powerful. And it's you. It's a reclamation for yourself. That second thing, though, is the pattern disruption. And so if your tendency is to withdraw or be silent, then do the opposite of that. If your tendency is.

Reach for food or shop or, you know, do something, some other behavior to try to, like, make up for it, like, what can you do to disrupt that pattern of behavior? That is getting in the way of you, you know, really sitting with what's coming up. The third thing is usually a paradigm shift. And a lot of times, you know, our pattern disruption behaviors help shift the paradigm. But that's where the story that you tell yourself really matters. And so write a new one. Literally write a new story. Write it down and just say, like, this is a new story I'm going to tell myself. If I had everything I wanted in my life, this is what my life would look like. And the last thing is resilience building. And those are kind of the maintenance tools, right? Those are the modalities that you reach for once you've started to do that. But for me, I think if you can just say it out loud, if you can, you know, honor what's. What needs to be, come forward and really start to set about changing whatever you're doing, typically in response to what happens, you know, that's. It's powerful, powerful stuff. It seems so simple, but honestly, it is, it is. It really is life changing.

I love that. Thank you so much for all of those steps. Now the book is out on pre order now of my own making. I'm encouraging everyone to pick it up, pick up a couple of copy copies, let's have it in book clubs. Because I think that this book is so important for all women, but I would say specifically for women of color and black women. And so I am so happy that you have come here to kind of just share your truth, your story, be vulnerable, and also give us some insights in terms of how to shift the paradigm, shift our own stories and narratives and do it differently for a different result.

Yes, yes.

Thank you so much for being here.

I'm sorry.

So honored that you are here, ladies. We will have all of the links to get her book in the show notes, please pick it up. It is amazing and it will change your life. And I am so, so happy that you have been here and you've graced us with your presence. Anything that you want to say before we go?

Thank you so much. I just, I'm honored to be here. And it is. It's really important to me that particularly women of color see themselves reflected in joy and healing as much as we do and suffering. And so, you know, I'm grateful to be able to offer my story as a part of that, that mission.

Awesome. Thank you so much. Again, ladies, you heard it here first. I hope that this session, this recording, this episode has been a powerful one for you where you have been able to see yourself and your own story and hopefully have been inspired to make changes and to integrate all parts of yourself. I look forward to hearing from you. Please DM us. We'll have all of our information in the show notes and let us know after you've read this book. What what's been your highest, your biggest takeaway and I look forward to reading about them. All right, ladies, until next time. Bye bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at WWE www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.

To it. You know, when I think about for me, I kind of have these four sort of points to change and sort of this framework of like, what does it take for us to change? And the first is, is awareness. And we're usually aware, right? We don't always want to acknowledge it, but, you know, we're usually aware. And so bringing it into a conscious awareness by sharing it with someone or writing it down. If you write it down, they'll read it out loud. Because I think saying it out loud and giving voice to it is, is really powerful. And it's you. It's a reclamation for yourself. That second thing, though, is the pattern disruption. And so if your tendency is to withdraw or be silent, then do the opposite of that. If your tendency is to.

Reach for food or shop or you know, do something, some other behavior to try to, like, make up for it, like, what can you do to disrupt that pattern of behavior that is getting in the way of you, you know, really sitting with what's coming up? The third thing is usually a paradigm shift. And a lot of times, you know, our pattern disruption behaviors help shift the paradigm. But that's where the story that you tell yourself really matters. And so write a new one. Literally write a new story. Write it down and just say, like, this is a new story. I'm going to tell myself. If I had everything I wanted in my life, this is what my life would look like. And the last thing is resilience building. And those are kind of the maintenance tools, right? Those are the.