PARENTification

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining me on the getyourguy coaching podcast. I have a very special episode for you today. And the reason why I say that is because I know that a lot of you are going to resonate with this concept that I'm going to talk about today. It's all about parentification. And if you have struggled in relationships, if you fear abandonment or you don't like asking for help, then you might have been parentified. And, girl, we're going to talk all about it today. Okay? I'm really happy to be talking about this because so many of us don't understand why we do the things that we do. And the one core thing that I think is important when we are doing this work, doing the surgical healing of your heart is, is to actually go back into the way that you were raised in your parental relationships, because that is the core of everything. And so many of us don't want to go there because it feels scary. If it feels scary for you, make sure that you're doing it with someone that's an expert, a therapist, a counselor, a coach who specializes in this. I'm one of the dating coaches in the world that does focus on some of these more deeper, deeper inner workings to really heal your heart and heal some of those childhood wounds. So, girl, we're gonna just get into it right now. Okay? Okay. So I'm sure many of you are trying to figure out, well, what is parentification like? Girl, what is that? Are you making up words? Girl, I'm not making up any words. Parentification is an invisible form of trauma that is often not recognized in our society. And it occurs when parents look to their children to provide emotional support and really to run parts of the household. It's a role reversal. You know how sometimes you feel like I feel like the parent and my mom feels like the kid. I'm parenting her. I'm taking care of her. Oftentimes, this will be you and your mother's role. Right. Let me know. Definitely. Email me if there are you out there that are parenting, parenting your father. Okay? So what does this process look like? In this process, we don't get the support needed for a healthy development. Right. Adults who've been parentified often struggle with communication skills, inability to understand their own emotions, and the inability to meet their own needs. Why are we talking about this in this podcast? Well, girl, let me tell you, our black parents were often never taught great communication skills. They were never. There was never space for them to actually understand their own emotions or to get their needs met because their needs didn't matter. Now, am I saying this because I'm trying to justify their behavior? No, I'm saying this so that we can have some clarity in terms of why they wanted us to get into this parentification. Girl, you know, okay, so in this process, when you've been parentified, you don't get the support needed to actually have a healthy development. And let me know if this is you, because if you've been parentified, I know that you're struggling with many of the following things that I'm going to describe. Communication skills. Can you speak your truth? Can you share your emotions? The next thing, the inability to understand emotions. Can you even check in with yourself and know what you're feeling at all times? Yeah. The next struggle or challenge for parentified individuals, the inability to meet their own needs. Because you have been so programmed to think that, oh, I have to focus on my parent, my mother, because she's my sole person that I have to take care of. Her needs are the only things that matter and mine don't. So I don't even know how to take care of myself. I don't even know what I need. And if I don't know what I need, I can't meet them. Yeah. Some of the other things that you might be struggling with if you've been parentified. Hyper independence. If you keep on saying, I can do it alone or oh, no, I got it, girl, you're giving hyper independence. And we've got to chill out from that because that's going to hurt you as it pertains to dating and relationships. The other thing that I want to offer to you. Right. Fear of asking for help or accepting it.

Right. Just like I said, if you always feel like you can do it and you never ask for help, you'll never know that it's there. So many of us are actually living our lives thinking that because we had to parent our parents that nobody is actually going to be there for us because the sole person that was supposed to be responsible for us dropped the ball. But there Are other people out there that are able to actually help you and want to help you if you give them the chance to. So. But so many of us are afraid to ask for help or even afraid to accept it. The next thing that I want you to think about is emotional immaturity and high reactivity. What does that mean? Girl, it means that you lose your mind and your emotions are not regulated and that emotional immaturity looks like you giving people the silent treatment when you don't agree with them or your feelings are hurt versus expressing them. High reactivity means like, girl, someone says something to you and you pop off and you lose your head. And I just want to let you know I'm speaking from a place of a child that was parentified. If you are coming from a single parent household, right? Or you're the oldest daughter, girl, you probably were parentified. So I'm speaking from what I know. I'm not trying to call anybody else out. I'm trying to call y' all into this club so that we can have more clarity and have a better understanding of why we navigate our love lives and our intimacy in the way that we do. Okay? Okay. Some of the other things that I want you to think about if you've been parentified, you might have been struggling with defensiveness in relationships where you think everybody's trying to attack you. Or you might have codependency patterns where it only matters that the other person is happy, and that's where you derive your happiness. Some other things that I notice when it comes to parentified individuals is a lack of sense of self. Like, I'm living my life, but I really don't know myself. I don't know what makes me tick. I don't know what lights me up. I don't know what I stand for and what I don't stand for. I don't know what I like and what I don't like. Another thing that I know a lot of parentified individuals struggle with is low self worth. Because here's the thing. If you're focused on everyone else all the time, then you have trained yourself to know that you don't matter and everybody else does. And so there's no place but to have lower self worth when you've been a parentified individual. The other things that I. The other thing that I want. I want you to think about too, is patterns of self betrayal, right? So when you lose yourself, right, Whether you're dating and you're in relationships. So, for example, you are like a shell of Yourself, and you're only focused on someone else's needs. You have no idea that you're even betraying yourself, that you're doing things because you're. You're so focused on the other person and making them happy that you're not even thinking about whether the things that you're doing are in your integrity or not. Those things can happen when you've been parentified. Okay. I'm sure you're like, okay, amor, girl, I get it. Please stop. This is triggering me. Girl, you're calling me the F out. It's not my intention. Again, I'm here to clarify things so that we can get really clear. Okay? So why do parents parentify their children? Well, there are a number of different reasons, but I'll give you some of the major things that I think that will help you understand the why of it. Like I was talking about before, parentified individuals, and you might be one of them, have an emotional immaturity. But so often our parents do as well. Right. And that means that it's their inability to get their needs met in healthy ways. Our mothers and our grandmothers had no space to have boundaries, to be vulnerable. They had to work, they had to survive, and so they didn't have the time. The time to learn the skills that are necessary to be emotionally mature. What are some other reasons why parents might parentify their children? Socioeconomic issues. If you're poor, you can't be home to cook dinner. You can't be home to take care of your kids in the way that you want to. So what does that mean? That means that you get an older sibling to do it. Or these kids are left alone at home. And. And I'm speaking as someone who, from the age of six, was a latchkey kid, came home by myself, made a snack for myself, did my schoolwork for myself, and made sure that the house was clean. These are some of the reasons why, obviously there's generational trauma cycles as well, that the parent was also parentified. And if you look back, I'm pretty sure that our generations for the last 400 years were parentified because kids didn't have time to be kids. Right. Our four mothers and our forefathers were so busy with their labor that they were not able to actually be the parents that they needed to be. And because the labor was so excessive and great, they needed their kids to take up some of the slack. Yeah.

Also, addiction, when your parents are addicted to alcohol or drugs or even other things like gambling or addicted to money and ambition. Right. You might not have the attention necessary that every kid desires and needs. So you've got to kind of create your own. You got to often parent your parents one to help them and put guardrails around them so they don't lose their lives or their minds and have to raise yourself. Okay, so I hope this is helping you clarify why parents parentify their children. Now, I want to talk about the five major styles of parentification, because I'm pretty sure that you will one of these, if not multiple kind of types of or styles of parentification you will definitely resonate with. So the first one that I think of is when the child becomes the peer. Now this is when parents begin to view their children as a peer, as a best friend, as a friend, as a girlfriend. Right. And they look at them, they look at them as a best buddy to help solve their problems or to vent to. It's completely inappropriate. Yeah. Your parents should never be talking about the guy that she's dating if she's a single mother or adult. Financial issues or things at work. Right. What's an example of this? I think a good example of this is like when a parent is sharing their marital issues without awareness of the child's capability. Like, you shouldn't be talking about your marriage with your children. And if your parents were doing that, it's a violation and she or he was parentifying you. Yeah. Because here's the thing, in that example, there is potential damage that can be done by speaking negatively about the other parent. And oftentimes children are not capable of providing emotional support to adults because they just don't have the skills. Okay. What I know for sure though is that for healthy development, children need safe adults who really attune to their emotions and support them through their experience, not the other way around. This is how children develop a sense of self. So when the child becomes a peer, let me know if that's one of those styles that you've experienced. And you can do that by reaching out to me on IG getyourguycoaching. Or you can email me at anwaratyourguycoaching.com okay. The second style of parentification is the overworked parent. Now this was my parent for sure, and it might be one of yours. This is where parents are completely overworked. They're struggling financially and have their children take care of the home, take care of the other siblings, and that's just due to necessity. Right. The parent is under intense pressure and this pressure is felt by the child as well. So that you don't even feel like you can make a mistake. Like you don't want to put any more pressure on your parent because they're already on overworked and have so much going on in their lives. You don't want to be another thing that is going to actually be like too much for them ultimately. Okay? The third style of parentification is the addicted parent. And these are the parents who struggle with addiction and cannot provide emotional support or stability to their children. And children sense this, and if you were part of a dynamic like this, I'm sure that you sense this as well. And when this happens, children tend to take on an over responsibility of their parent, which helps them, you know, complete daily tasks, you know, handle the household, the bills, right, the rent, their own school administration. It's inappropriate. The fourth style that I want us to talk about is the withdrawn parent. Now this parent is someone who is emotionally neglectful. This parent shuts down. This parent is suffering their own trauma and will just withdraw from parenting responsibilities, like completely. When this happens, children learn that they won't get attunement or true attention from their parent and they will begin to shut down. Now the fifth and final style of parentification, and a lot of my Latin American, Caribbean, African sisters will definitely resonate with this, is children of immigrants. Why do I say this? Parents who sacrifice and bring their children to another country for a better life are often forced to rely on their children for help with language, paying bills, understanding cultural norms, and are also just working so goddamn much to survive that their children have to take up the slack. Children are playing adult roles out of necessity from, you know, immigrant families. Okay, so it's interesting. One of the things that I think is really important as we think about these parentification styles is that through the process of being parentified, we learn things, right? And we take them as fact. And those things are that we are responsible for adults emotions, that our parents needs come before our own, that people cannot be trusted to care for us, that we must care for ourselves even though we desperately need to be cared for. And often children from parentified homes appear mature for their age. And if you've gotten that before, oh, you're so mature for your age, please realize that you are probably parentified.

If you've gotten this, then I know for sure that you are probably talking about or speaking about adult issues and, or either catering like around adults or taking on some sort of parent type role.

Because your sole focus was meeting the needs of your parent or the household overall. Unfortunately, the End result is a sense of over responsibility and a core belief that our role is to cater to other people's needs and emotions. If you're a woman of color, I know that you've experienced this. This is why we're talking about it in this podcast. The last thing I just said, which was that your core belief is that your role is to cater to other people's needs and emotions. This is how you're showing up in your relationships, your romantic relationships. And I know for sure that if you are not self centered and selfish in your relationships, you will not get your means met and you will be resentful. And these people that are in a relationship with you where you are giving everything and they are taking everything will take you for granted and will suck you dry. And this is probably how you've experienced so many of your actual relationships. So we have to do it a different way because it impacts us in our adult romantic relationships. It will impact you because you know you'll have some sort of anger or rage outbursts that seemingly come out of nowhere because these are just repressed needs that are shooting out of you. Other things that I see in adult romantic relationships or adult relationships in general is unhealthy coping mechanisms, whether it's alcohol or drugs or gambling that you might take those on as well, or eating or sweets. And the other thing that I also see is just a lot, a general lack of trust, right. Or an intense fear of being abandoned. So we hold on to relationships, like intensely when we're in them. The lack of trust will, like, make it hard to get into a relationship. But once you are in a relationship, you will never want to let it go. And successful dating is about letting things go easily, especially if they don't serve you. Okay? Some of the other things that I think parentification will do and the way that it impacts you in adult romantic relationships is that you'll have a lack of boundaries or a lack of even understanding the boundaries of a partner. You don't know what's in bounds, you don't know what's out of bounds. So you just kind of go with the flow and try to make the other person happy. Another thing that I see in the adult relationships of parentified individuals is that there's a high level of defensiveness, right. That just kind of comes from childhood. If you're thinking you're bad, you will always be hypersensitive and defensive when anybody is discussing things that you disagree with or have an opinion of you. Right?

The other thing that I see too. And let me know if this is your truth. Your t is that you'll mask your true feelings. You'll keep it cute and mute, and you won't express them. You won't communicate with your partners about how you actually feel because you don't think that your feelings are worthy enough being communicated or being, like, held and understood and listened to.

And then finally, one of the other things that I see is just general indecisiveness because you don't have the experience making decisions for yourself, and you haven't had the mentorship to actually know what decisions or how you should be making decisions for yourself. You get so scared that you're going to make the wrong decision. And so, like, you get stuck and don't want to make any decisions at all. If you find yourself asking 5, 7 people about any general decision, oh, what do you think I should do? Oh, what do you think I should do? Girl, we're living in indecisiveness. Okay, okay. So let me go through some of the core stages of healing, because, girl, we got to get solutions here. I'm not just going to tell you, girl, you got a lot going on here, girl. We have to. We have to focus on the healing here. And so I want to do that. The first thing that I want us to really think about is individualization. And what does that mean? It means becoming our true, authentic self apart from our enmeshed family. And we do this through setting healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves and spending time learning ourselves. That means not, just, you know, doing what we've always done, but doing the new and different things that you've always wanted to do. Because when you do the new things, you start to learn about the new parts of yourself. The other thing that I will say is it feels really hard to set healthy boundaries with your family, but you're going to have to do it. You're going to have to do it. If it's not feeling good, it means that we're not gonna. We're not gonna call every day like we used to. It means, like, we're not gonna come over every week like we used to, that we've got to set healthy boundaries in the ways that are gonna keep us emotionally safe. We have to become an individual and not just part of this family entity. Okay? And it's going to feel completely out of sorts and wrong because you have been raised to believe that it's all about the family. Nothing else comes before the family. It's about the family. You're part of this Family and it's all about us. It has to be all about you, girl. Okay, the second kind of core stage of healing from parentification is this building up your self worthiness. Right? Adults who've been parentified miss out on that healthy development because you're so focused on everybody else but that like you haven't built out your own self worth. So, yeah, it's not properly built. We have to build self worth through self care, through creating healthy habits and also by keeping small promises to ourselves. If you say you're going to get something done today, get it done today. If you say that you're going to work out twice a week, work out twice a week. If you are wanting to focus on self care, it means you got to have to treat yourself on a weekly basis, right? And get things, experience things that are going to make you feel good. That's what self care is all about. Okay, now the third part, the third core stage of healing, this parentification is personal accountability. The thing is, the most damaging part of parentification is that we witness adults who were not responsible for their own lives.

And healing is about understanding our core responsibility to ourselves and our own actions. Because when you see that, that becomes a model for you and you to not take accountability for the stuff that you do. But healing and actually going anti parentification is doing the opposite. It is taking radical responsibility for everything that you do and how you hold yourself and what you say and your behavior and your actions. Okay, so how do we heal? We become an individual, we build our self worth, and we take radical personal accountability.

I hope having this conversation has helped you think about your experiences growing up and how you've been navigating your adult romantic relationships. I know that when you start to heal this, your love life is going to take off and you're going to do things in such a different manner and get different results because of it. And if you need help with that, definitely book a consultation call with me and we'll figure out exactly how to help you in either the get your Guy club or or the get yout Guide Mastermind program. All right. I hope that this was helpful for you. I'm sending you much love to all of the parentified ladies out there. Coming from a parentified coach who's had to do the work to get past that and know how dangerous it can be and still working on it. I send you love. I send you clarity. And I can't wait to see you on the other side. Bye. Bye.

Hey, girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching Podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.