Q&A Preachin'

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can. You guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Now, for those of you that don't know me, my name is Amar White. I'm a dating coach for black and brown women. They call me the Fairy God Brothers. I'm here to answer your questions about love, dating, relationships, and men or women. We're all inclusive here. Or anything in between. Girls, 20, 24. We don't know how many genders there are these days. Girl, no shade. So whatever you're into, I'm into it, too. Yeah. I'm. I'm every woman. I'm. I'm androgynous. I am, you know, poly girl. I'm. I'm everything, girl. Yeah. So if you into it, I'm into it, too. Yeah. I just want you to get with whoever treats you the best at the end of the day. Yeah. Someone said, is using eharmony a good idea? Yeah, girl, if you like. If you like feeling like you're going. If you stepping right into a white church, girl, that's what eharmony gives. Yeah, y' all are talking the same language, but are you really talking the same language? Yeah.

I know. I feel really uncomfortable. Girl, you don't know what kind of. You don't know what kind of coming together it is. You don't know if it's a rally or what. Honey.

Auntie said I met someone in jail on eharmony. Don't recommend. Yes, honey, Physical or moral gel. No shade. No shade. Chrissy said we're doing pretty good. I'm getting a third date, finally with a guy. I love that for you. Now, girl. You've been following me for a while, Chrissy. And you know what I say about third dates. You want to get it. If he's paid for every date, you want to get him a small gift. That's like 20, $25. Real thoughtful tea, girl. And I'm giving you this tea. I only give this to my clients. But, Chrissy, you've been following me for a while, so I want to give you this tea because I want you to win, honey. Real thoughtful. Based on his passions, based on his hobbies, based on an inside joke. Right? You did this, Girl, see your palm. He's gonna be eating out of it. No shade, girl. Yeah. So let me know if you need any help brainstorming, because I'm really good at getting guys gifts. I do it literally every other day in my program. You, Wilbur said, tips for not receiving matches on hinge. Girl, get off of hinge. Hinge is unhinged. If you are a person of color, girl, hinge is not going to give you what you need. Trust me on that. Now, in the pandemic, it was giving everything. All of my clients got their people from Hinge in 2020 and 2021. After that, girl, Hinge has gone downhill really fast, especially if you're a woman of color. I always feel like if. If I were a black woman, I would. I would not even download the app. It gives me, you know, in like, fifth and sixth grade, when you had a crush on that white boy, but, like, he was mean and racist.

Like, that's what Hinge gives me. And I don't like it, but maybe I'm telling my business.

Okay. Marley baby Said got out of a relationship in December. Trying to get back to dating, but it's been tough getting out. Well, it's warming up now, honey. So I want you to focus on what are the things that bring you joy and start leaning into those things and getting out once or twice a week. Right? And when you go out, here's the gag. A lot of y' all are going out, but you're not talking to anybody. So your job is every time you go out, just talk to one person, say hi, and hopefully it's a guy girl, or a woman girl. I don't care what you get into, girl, but I just want you having conversations. Like I said in a recent video, men are not approaching you anymore. The approach rate is a third of what it used to be. So it means that you're going to have to start conversations if you want to have interactions. If you don't feel like doing that, keep on doing what you're doing. But I want you to know that these men are thirsty for conversation. Now, am I saying walk across a room and talk to a guy? No. But if he's next to you, have a conversation. See what comes of it. Just start it. You don't have to drive it. Okay? Okay. Oris said, hello, I'm starting a long distance relationship and the guy wants to meet me. How can I know if he is a provider? We are the same age. Well, he needs to come to you, and you need to let him know that. And one of the things about long distance relationships that I say is that he, he has to come to see you within the first four to six weeks if he's really serious. If he's not, then he's a pen pal. And pen pals are really cute in third grade. They're not cute now. So that's what I would say about that. I have, I have clients who. There are men that are flying from Florida to New York for a first date within two to three weeks. So for those women that are thinking, oh, my God, I can't. I don't think a guy would ever do that for me. I literally see it every week. So it's very possible, but you have to set a boundary and you have to share with him. Actually, I would feel more comfortable if you came to me.

If you. A lot of women were like, oh, I'll just come to him. He'll buy the ticket. Everything that's excess time, that's labor on your end, that you should not be doing, you are setting a precedent here. And because for the guys that try to fly you out, please understand that you're on his turf when that happens, right? And you're going to be out of sorts a little bit because it's not your city. So you might not know how to get around, right? You want to be in your home base just in case things go left and he needs to stay in a hotel room. And you should have two to three dates a day and see how things go. If things don't work out, you home, you chilling, and you go from there. Don't go to somebody else's home turf, girl. It's like, you know, in high school, like, you would go to, like, an opposing team's field or basketball court, and it was like, home court advantage. You want to have the home court advantage. You hear me?

It's important, especially as a woman, because you want to feel safe in your interactions and you don't want to have that passive pressure that happens when a man pays for you. Sarah said, are there any good dating apps? Yes. The best dating app in 2024 is you. You are the best dating app. You need to go and meet people outdoors. I think that the first half of 2024, like, my whole program has pivoted this year just based on where the apps are right now. I don't know if many of you saw, but even, like, there have been women that have been changing their race from black to something other white or Asian on hinge and They've been getting different and higher quality matches. These apps are not, are not for you right now. And what's happening is that they're getting called out right now. So they're doing a lot of shifting right now and I think that they're going to course correct closer to the summer and Q3. Okay.

Lisa Renee said thoughts on dating exclusively but not in a relationship. I don't do exclusively and I don't think you should either. It's, it's half ass.

I don't know how else to say it. If a guy isn't ready to commit to you within two to three months, full on commitment, then he shouldn't be with you. Yeah, I think a lot of guys cop out because they're not ready for commitment. And I think that you deserve more than that. I get at least two to three women into relationships every week. And one of the things that I say, see is that these guys know, they know within one to two months if they want to be with you and they're not afraid to be committed. That's when you know it's your guy when he says, oh, I just want to be exclusive with you. When you hear that, I want you to understand and believe that he's still making you audition for the girlfriend role. A lot of girls think, oh my God, we're exclusive. That's great. It's not it, girl. You still don't have the job, right? It's like, you know, like when you pay, they say, okay, girl, you got the job, but you're on a three month trial basis and they don't give you any insurance or nothing until you get through those three months. That's what exclusivity means. Don't do it. Get another job. Get another man who's going to give you not just the benefits on day one, but also going to give you the signing bonus. Tiffany Marie said, what about men who say they want a woman to build with but have nothing? We don't build with men. You see these hands, honey? These are computer hands. These are not construction hands. These are not blue collar. These are white collar. This is white blouse, actually. Right. We don't build with men. So if a man wants to build with you, he's not your man. We get with men that are already built if you want to. It's like buying a house without windows or a roof or a door. Why would you buy real estate that is not done and think that you're going to be protected and safe in a house that has nothing to Protect you?

No.

When a man says that he wants to build with you, I want you to take it as an insult.

And I want you to step away, and you get to let him know. Why don't you take some time to build for yourself? And once you've built something, let's have another conversation.

You get to say that knock solo Said. Been following your advice. And they are working. Girl. I know. I've been doing this for 14 years. It better freaking work.

You know what I'm saying? These girls always come to me like, oh, I can't believe it's working. That's why I get people into relationships every. Every week, honey. And that's not me building myself up, girl. I'm just. I'm telling Tea. Honey. Oh, my God. The girls said they're changing their race on hinge now. Girl. Girl, it's. It's not going to. Girl. Hinge is still unhinged. It's unhinged for the white girls, too. Don't give white face. Unhinge, honey. Don't give white profile Unhinged.

It's not worth it. Yeah. Alejandra said, cross. Cross. I think you said you meant cross country dating. Yay or nay? Girl. Date everybody. Girl. There's technology. You get to FaceTime. Girl. There's flights. Girl. Date everybody. That's what I did, honey. I was in California. Girl. On and I would move. I would have one profile in a home, My home city, and another profile in different places. Girl. One week I was in Barcelona. Another week I was in Berlin. Another week I was in Montreal. No shade. But now I'm in Montreal, married with three kids. Do it, girl. You never know. That's why there's a show called 90 Day Fiance.

Let technology work for you.

Your person might not be in your city, and that's okay. How do you feel about dating younger men? Well, most of my clients are dating men that are three to six years younger than they are. I actually think it's a great formula, especially for women of color. So I would say lean into that. Girl. I think many women have been programmed to be like, oh, he has to be older than me. A lot of these older guys are, like, stuck in their ways. Girl. It's giving mean and surly.

Get out.

Stop dating the older guys.

Vanessa said, what do I say when approaching a man in person? We don't approach. He has to be in your vicinity. We just start a conversation, and you can say a variety of things. You can give him a compliment. You can ask him for help. You can ask him for a recommendation, right? I love that jacket. Where'd you get it from? Or oh my God, can you give me a glass of water? I am parched. Or I never come here. What do you usually order?

Whatever feels most comfortable for you. Do it. DeLorean said, what are your thoughts on speed dating? I think that speed dating is great practice. I think you should have no expectations when it comes to speed dating. And I think most of the time you're probably going to find other women. That should be your intention. Let's find other women that I can go out with, you know, to go onto the hunt and to meet guys because probability is you're going to meet more women than men. That's been the experience of my clients and that's helped them find, like girls to go out with to do their hunting. Lisa said, have you gotten any Atlanta clients into relationship? I have. It just takes a little bit longer. It takes anywhere from around 12 months, which is almost double what it takes in other places. It's if you in California it's going to. In my program it's going to take a year to find your person. If you in Texas, it's going to take a year on average. If you're in Atlanta, it's going to take a year. If you're in Florida, it's going to take a year, which is almost twice as long as other parts of the country. Forever and always. Kiki said, do you have a video on what to ask on dating apps? I don't, because it doesn't matter.

Talk to these guys the same way that you're talking to your friends and family.

I think a lot of people think, oh my God, if I ask the right questions, then I'm going to protect myself. Girl, these men will lie in your face. It doesn't matter what questions you ask, right? Just like, you know how, like some people will have stories all made up while they're interviewing for a job. They'll have a story for why they have a gap in their employment history for six months. That's how they do in these first, you know, interactions. So I don't really put a lot of stock into what these guys are saying. I'm in observation mode of what they're doing. And I want you to be the same way. I want you to be very, like, observant, not just of what they're saying and doing, but I want to be. I want you to be observant about how you're feeling when you're interacting with them most. That's why, like, you're never going to hear me talk about red flags or green flags. Shit doesn't matter. When you're talking about those flags, you're focused on what's happening outside of you. And my job as a dating coach is to help my clients access not just their feelings, but their intuition. Because please understand, your intuition will never lead you astray. Your mind will. This is why I work a lot with high achieving and smart, successful women. Because oftentimes they're leading with their mind and their thoughts are keeping them like or keeping them stuck dating, right, because you'll use your mind to justify certain behaviors or conceptualize or excuse certain behaviors. Well, maybe he's doing that or maybe he's doing this. Or you will what I call, you know, some people say overthink. I say under feel right. And you know, confuse yourself. And when in that moment of confusion, you start to go with the flow because you don't know what the hell's going on because you haven't accessed what's what you're feeling deep inside. KX Misha how to inspire his initiative and leadership qualities to come out again after he started slacking. We can't do that. That doesn't work. It means that he doesn't have the consistency and dependability to be a great partner. When he slacks, he's out. Here's the thing. There are no PIP programs in dating. We're not going to train him back up to the worker that he is supposed to be. When he slacks, he's out, he's fired. Just like in consulting, they always, like, literally every year they fire the lowest 20%. So you need to do the same. Laura said, what do you do when they say they need space?

Girl, you give it to them. Girl, when they say space, I want you to create so much space that they're in space. You hear me? What it means, respectfully speaking, is they don't want to be with you anymore and you need to find other people. You need to talk to other people. When they say that, they say, no problem. Thanks for letting me know. Best of luck. And then get on these apps, go outside and have two to three dates that week. Briana said, what if I want to date but I'm still working through my own insecurities and pursuing my goals? Girl, do it both at the same time. Please understand. That's why I in my programs, we do the deeper work and we date at the same time because dating will bring up all of your triggers and that gives you an opportunity to actually address them and heal them. Right. A lot of women think, oh, my God, I gotta get my together before I can date. No, you kind of have to give half. You have to get happier shit together, and the other quarter of your shit, you'll get together while you're dating, and the last quarter, you'll get together while you're in a relationship. Lisa Renee says, should I listen to his words or his actions? They're conflicting. Actions over words. For sure. Girl, I could tell you I'm straight today. I'm straight, girl. I'm straight. Those are words. It doesn't mean anything.

Words mean nothing. Nada. Prada. Someone is asking shamanthi how to date as an avoidant. Stop being avoidant. If you are emotionally unavailable or emotionally avoidant, you will only attract emotionally avoidant men.

Because you are not emotionally available. You won't require him to be. So those guys will be attracted to you because they don't have to go deep. Yeah.

So I wouldn't date until you are learning how to become more vulnerable from a feeling perspective. And that's one of the things that we do. In my program, Love Said. Can you explain the feet pointing? Yes. If a man's feet is pointing toward you, it means that he's interested.

It's body language.

Yeah. It's one of the ways that I knew, like, the straight men that were really interested in me or not, or the straight man that were interested in me or not, just look at their feet, and then I knew that I had them. That's why. And this is why I want you to look at it while you're out and about so that you don't feel like, oh, my God, this guy's gonna reject me if I start a conversation with him. If his feet are already pointing towards you, he's already into it. He's going to gag when you start. When you start that combo. When a. When a guy is asking for space, you have to ask yourself this question.

When you're confused, and it is this. Would my future husband ever do this? And if the question. If the answer is no, then you need to go, yeah. Your future husband would never ask for space. I get people into relationships every week, and what it looks like is that you have to beat them off with a stick. Girl, no, I don't want to hang out with you today. Stop. I can't be hanging out with you every day. It's too much. That's what it looks like. Lil Lean 7. How do I put myself out there again? I'm so Scared. I've been single for 14 years. I'm so insecure with my body. I've only ever dated my ex husband. Here's what I want you to understand. Make sure that you have accurate pictures on your profile. You're gonna have to get right with your body. You're gonna have to own every bit of it. Right. And it's interesting. A lot of curvier and plus size women in my experience are not taking up as much space as they need to. Like, don't shrink yourself. Whatever space you're giving right now, take all of that and more. Right. One of the exercises that I do with some of my clients who are having some, you know, feeling. Having feelings about their body is I want you to go into the mirror and I want you to strip down and I want you to be thankful and grateful for everybody part of your body. It's actually a very powerful exercise. Right. I'm thankful for my big lips and, and explain why you are thankful for them. I'm thankful for my, my ashy elbows and say why you're thankful for them, girl. Right. I'm thank, I'm thankful for my, my, my acne scars because you know, X, Y and Z.

I'm thankful for my wider nose so that I can breathe like a queen, honey. Right. Whatever it is, be thankful for each and every part of it. There are reasons why your body is the way that it is and we have to love on it. So if you're not loving on it, other people won't. Yeah, energetically you will. You will teach people how to treat you. And once you love on your body, you will want to protect it even more. Balance. Bliss said. Hello, Elmore. Do you think decentering men can align with wanting to materialize a healthy relationship with one?

I don't. I think I'm going to do a video about this if you're a woman of color. In my experience, this work actually isn't about decentering men. I think that that's like the surface level. You first have to de center your parents, specifically your mother, because many of us grow up with mothers that are in their masculine energy. And this is about your relationship with the masculine energy. So you're gonna have to learn, and this is what I do in my program, learn how to decentral your parents. You have to do that before you learn how to decent your men. Diva said how to stop taking rejection as a bad thing. Here's how I think about it when this happens. Well, first of all, 97% of the guys out There are not going to be a match for you. So I think people think that every person has the potential to be a match for you. And that's not the case. So for the 97% of the time you're getting disappointed and butthurt and you think it's a rejection when really it's like it's the rules of dating. It's the dating game, girl. Yeah. You're like, it would be the same as playing Monopoly and getting mad that you get in. You know, you only get in $200 to go past go instead of 500. It's the rules of the game, girl. Here's how I think about rejection that I think it will be important for you to reframe. Please understand that your future guy is praying for you to not match with all of these guys. Yeah. Because he wants you and if you are engaged with these guys, he can't be with you. So every time it's an, it's a non match, you are getting closer to your guy. That's how I think about it. I don't really, I don't really call it rejection. It's not that most of these guys don't know you enough to reject you. They know 3, 5, 10% of you. Coco being said, I feel like most guys don't care if you got a little stomach. Not guys that are relationship ready.

Whatever you think is wrong with your body, girl. These men don't care. They don't care.

You got those, girl, you got those tiger stripes right here, girl. They don't care about it. You got some stretchy stretch over here, girl. They don't care about it.

They don't. That doesn't pre prevent them for from getting their rocks off. No Shade. It doesn't. Some of the girls are like, oh my God, I gotta, I gotta lose 20, 30 pounds. Girl. In my 600 pound life, they always got a man. No shade. It's not about the weight. And anyway, you know what do they say in the marriage vows? Through thick and thin, Sometimes you're gonna be thick, sometimes you're gonna be thin. No shade. Right. They gotta love you throughout it all. Honey, I want to tell you something. My partner, during the winter time he always adds 10 to 15 pounds. In the wintertime it's an additional 10 or 20 pounds and then it slowly comes off in the spring and summer and it continues.