Sacred Self Care w Fila Antwine

All right, my loves, thank you so much for joining me today. I actually have a really special guest, a woman that I have been following for so long on Instagram because she is so amazing and so exciting and just is such a wealth of knowledge. I'm really happy to have her on my podcast because I know that she's going to be dropping gems, so spilling all the tea. I had got my brownie paper towels ready for all y' all and I'm just so excited to have her. Ms. Phyla Antwine. She is an award winning life coach for women and the founder and creator of sacred self care coaching program. Phyla, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for having me. I'm super excited. And you have such a soothing voice.

Girl, you need to stop flirting with me.

You better stop, girl.

That's my time. You know, in college when I had to, like, do what I had to do on the phone to pay for the tuition. Girl.

Well, it works, girl.

We do what we gotta do. Girl, that refund check doesn't, you know, pay everything.

No, it does not. It does not. You have the gift for sure.

Oh, thank you. Girl. Girl, how are you doing?

I'm well.

I'm more than well. I am in Harmony and I'm just happy to be here.

I'm happy to have you. I really am. And I'm not like saying that in the kind of Los Angeles, Louisiana, let's have dinner kind of, let's have lunch kind of way. Like, I'm really excited to delve in deep and to talk about all things.

Sacred self care, which you are. I call you self care extraordinaire.

Oh, I love that.

And I'm just so excited for to get to know you and know everything about you. So why don't you talk a little bit about kind of your business and what you do and why it's so important to you.

Sure. So, you know, what I do is I offer simple principles for sacred self care and for creating a sacred self care lifestyle. And what that really means is that I work with professional women, predominantly type A's. Right. Like very strong, independent women who have not always given themselves the privilege to take care of themselves. Right. It's something that they've seen as a luxury. But these are women who are used to working hard for what they want, who are dominant in their own lives, who are successful, who are accomplished, but in so many other facets of their life, they are also just overwhelmed and overworked. And so I come in sort of as this sacred Self care fairy, godmother, yes, all of my self care dust into the space and really teach them how to take sacred care of themselves, but in simple ways that easily fit into your life and lifestyle.

And that's really important because I feel like when you're super busy, like both of us are, and just I'm thinking about the women that I work with too because I think it's a similar woman. Like you think that self care has to like completely transform the way that you live your life and that you have to take a lot of time to do it. But from what I'm hearing from you, there are ways to do it and to have it fit into your lifestyle.

Absolutely right.

And it is always better to start out simple with anything that we're doing because if it's too complicated, it's really not going to be sustainable.

Right.

That's just the truth of it. When you're like, I'm going to lose 45 pounds by next week, that's not going to happen. What's going to happen is that you're going to gain an additional 10 because you'll be going so crazy that you'll just fall flat on your face. And so I'm all about the simplicity, simplistic steps to self care, the things that you can do on a daily basis. Right. Like how are you honoring yourself in honoring your emotions? How are you showing up for yourself and being true to what you want throughout the day? How are you saying no to the things that aren't bringing you pleasure and allowing more space for the things that you enjoy? And then on the deeper side of that, we also get into those emotional blocks and barriers and we work on that as well. But it's really about what you're doing on a day to day basis to show up for yourself in a really sacred way.

Yeah, I love that. So, you know, like I was saying before, I think we work with the same woman, but what I know about that woman is that she goes from 0 to 100. It's either 0 or 100 and there's nothing in between. So how do you help your clients slowly implement some of these amazing, even simple, but transformational self care routines or processes within their lives.

So one of the first things that we do when we're working together, of course, is, you know, we dive into their story.

Whether that story is the story that others hear and see of them or.

If it's just the story that they tell themselves, but we dive into that and I allow them room to kind of like Be in their own bullshit for a little while.

Okay, you let them play themselves.

Exactly.

Let them play themselves. I let them sit in their mess and I let them go along with that. And then what I do is pull out all of the areas of failure.

All of the areas of flaws, what.

I call the flaws, failures, fears, and fuck up stage and really mirror back to them everything that they've shown me that needs to be repaired, resolved, or removed. And once you're kind of face to face with what you know, you don't want to continue who it is that you don't want to be anymore, they're generally softened up enough to allow me to come in and say, okay, this is how the process works.

Yes.

Does that make sense?

Oh, yes, girl. We have to break down to build back up and to build up higher and higher to new heights. I get it. I do the same thing too. So I'm right there with you. Talk to me a little bit about. Because self care is, I think it's getting more and more popular now, but it hadn't really been that popular like, you know, historically. Right. So talk to me about, I guess, your process into getting into your own self care and what your history was like, because I think it's a very kind of specialized niche area that you're working with these women. Obviously super important and like game changing. But like, how do you even get into this realm of self care? What's your girl? What's your story?

Yeah, right.

So you know, how long you got.

But, well, girl, I gotta pick up my kids, but just tell me, tell me what you can, girl.

Get to it.

So I share often on my platforms with my clients as well. And in any space that I have to acknowledge my story. And my truth is that I'm a sexual abuse survivor. And so that experience informs so much of who I am, what I do and how I do it. And I learned at some point through my adulthood and development in, in the relationship space that I was carrying my traumas with me. I was making trauma informed decisions and I was attracting men that we were becoming trauma connected and eventually trauma bonded. Right.

Can you explain that? Because I feel like some listeners might not understand what. That they may have experienced it, but they don't know what it really is.

Sure. Right.

So each of us has experienced some level of trauma in our lives. It could be something as small as, like being teased on the playground to something as great and profound as like being sexually abused or being physically abused or abandoned in that way. And so when you are Operating from an unconscious identity where you are just living in your conditioning and not making intentional choices because you are unaware of the baggage and the trauma you will attract energetically, spiritually, emotionally. People who either have similar traumas or whose traumas are complementary to yours, meaning that they can either help you to heal and to become aware, or they can deepen that hurt. And most folks are unaware. So when both people are unconsciously operating from those trauma spaces, they hurt each other more, they inflict more trauma, and then it becomes this sort of vicious cycle. Right. As opposed to you taking the time to self reflect and say, here are some of the choices that I've made in my life, or here are some of the results that I've had that I don't want to repeat. And let me kind of think about why I make these choices and where that comes from. But I wasn't at that place yet at that time.

Right? Okay. Yeah, I'm there with you, girl.

So, you know, it was. It was a mess. And I come from a background of abuse. However, I also had a really supportive family of women who loved me and nurtured me and nourished me. And so even when I was going through this period of sexual abuse, and it's important for me to be clear and say that I was sexually abused by my biological father. And. And so I did not tell my mom, did not tell anyone in the family for a number of years. So going through this experience was. It tormented me. Right.

I'm sure.

And I didn't want to be the one to tear the family apart, even though the family should have been torn apart a long time ago.

Right, Right. True story.

Right.

As a young person, you internalize and you think that it's going to be your fault. So inside of that experience, I still had these women who were loving me, who were nurturing me, who were pouring into me, and that's what kept me going and carried me through. And so when I began to make really stupid choices in relationships and repeat.

May I ask, what are those stupid choices? Because I think people, everyone's making stupid choices, but nobody wants to talk about it. And I'm sure that everybody is going to hear themselves in your stupid choices.

So I had my very first boyfriend at 16, 17, high school, amazing guy. Amazing guy, respectful, kind, sweet, nice, loving, caring, catering, all of that. And I loved it for a time, but then it felt really boring.

Yes, right.

Yes.

It was like.

Take, and I'm a New Yorker. So it was like, why don't you take the train? To go there to pick me up that candy that I like and like, bring it back to me. And he would. And I just began to kind of push the boundaries until I was just like bored with it, with the entire situation. And I wanted, you know, the bad guy, the one who was. And for me, I am a black girl from Queens who grew up in the crack era, 80s and 90s. And so the bad boys were the ones who were in the street and getting into trouble and just doing all sorts of things that were not conducive to any type of healthy relationship, lifestyle, life. And I was attracted to that. And so I chose men who were living a little bit faster, who seemed more interesting, who like all of the girls liked, because that was an ego boost. Let me see if I can get him want me right over these girls. And all of it was ego based because I was operating from a place of trauma, from a place of feeling like I wasn't worthy and like I didn't deserve. And so I made all of these choices as a way to feel wanted and loved when I was supposed to be giving that to myself.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

No, it totally does. So we've talked a little bit about self care and sacred self care, but I want you to kind of break it down for my listeners and just let them know in your definition what sacred self care is.

So. And I discovered this during that process.

Of growth and evolution, right.

That when I was making choices that were not in my best interest, I was not making choices that were for my care. And I thought about what it meant to take care of myself, because at some point I found myself on the edge of the bed, crying and hollering and, you know, all of these things about heartbreak that I was experiencing again. And I decided to make a commitment to myself to only make choices that aligned with what I wanted. And so if what I wanted was to be in a loving, caring, passionate, monogamous relationship with a man who was respectful and kind and generous and considerate of me, then I needed to give those things to myself first. I needed to become that partner to myself first. And so sacred self care is about committing to yourself in a way where you prioritize your own needs and your wants. No matter who else is in the space, who else is in the picture, or who else comes into the room. It is the way that you uncompromisingly take care of yourself on the deeper levels, whether that means therapy or coaching or counseling, and on the really trivial levels of I'm not going to Answer this phone call. I'm going to put my phone on, do not disturb. I'm going to go to sleep and I'm going to drink my water. And so it is a really holistic and comprehensive way to nurture yourself.

And why do you think that women, specifically women of color, have such a hard time doing this? Right, because what you're just describing is the story of all of my clients. Right? It's not this like singular, like individualistic issue. It is something that is across the board. So what do you think is going on there?

So it's about our legacy of love, right? The lessons that we learn from those who raised us and from the environments that we grew up in. It's about the trauma and the oppression that we've experienced, which is still embedded in our DNA.

Right.

We're passing on to our children and we are not having the conscious, intentional conversations about how those things are impacting us now and have hurt us. And really, we haven't always had the luxury to take care of ourselves because we were too busy taking care of everybody else.

That's right. That's it. The kids, the husband, the work.

Right?

And that's it.

That's what it is.

And for so long, women, and I.

Believe specifically women of color and black women to another level, have adopted the idea that what makes you a good woman is exhausting yourself for others, is sacrificing yourself for everybody.

Right.

It's like running until you completely hit the pavement and can't go anymore. And it's such a problematic ideology to have a toxic.

I think it's toxic.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

That's what it is. It is toxic. And we've been functioning in this toxic dysfunction for so long and now we're finally coming out of that.

And I think the more that we see women bravely take on the task.

Of caring for themselves and opting into sacred self care, more women are like, let me try that.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. I always think of it like treating yourself the way that you would treat your grandmother. Right? Like there's something to be said. There's a different tone, there's a different feeling. There's a different white glove that you put on when you are engaging with your. Your grandma, your granny, my dear, whoever it is, right? That it's like, whatever you want, whatever you need. I'm gonna protect her. I'm gonna, I'm going to help her go down the stairs. I'm going to go and get her some water. I'm going to make her plate I'm going to do whatever I can for her because she's just that important to me. And shifting that energy onto yourself, I think can reframe it in such a different way that it's like, oh, I'm not really treating myself in the best way that I can. We have to sometimes, at least I do. Let me know how you communicate it with your clients. But sometimes it's easy for people to think about people close to them and how to treat them, because oftentimes I'll be like, okay, would you tell your best friend that?

Right.

And they'd always say, no, I would never. Would you tell your best friend to do that? Okay, well, girl, then why are you doing it? Right? She's not better than you. She doesn't get to have a different level of life or experience. What do you tell your clients when they're having some issues when it comes to, I guess.

Truly understanding sacred self care?

Yeah. So first of all, that grandma analogy is really profound for me because I'm named after my maternal grandmother. And so a large part of my shift is because recognizing, carrying her name, carrying her energy, wanting to do her. Right.

Right.

And so I absolutely think that that is amazing.

I say that too, because of the black community. And she is like the pinnacle. Right. She is the matriarch of the black community. When mama's not doing right or daddy's not doing right, grandma's gonna always be there. And you write. So.

Yeah, yeah. No, for sure. Right. And it doesn't matter how tough, like, anybody in the neighborhood is.

When they see a grandma, they're like, hey, Ms. Brown.

Hey, how are you? That's right, right?

Yes.

Ms.

Cool. So that is just great. But for my clients, I do something similar. However, the women that I work with are generally spiritually aligned or spiritually based, not always religious.

And I'm not a religious woman, but.

I do have a spiritual connection. And so what I tell my clients.

Is that the way that you honor God is by honoring yourself.

Yes.

Because you are the representation of that which is divine and beautiful and miraculous. Right. You are the physical, the human component of that divinity. And so when you dishonor yourself, you dishonor your God. And the way that you come back into alignment and the way that you be a good human and.

And the way that you honor your.

Spirituality and the divinity that you believe in is by honoring the creation of divinity that you are.

Girl, I love that. And that's why I love listening. If you're not listening to her, IG live You better get on her IG girl. Give them your ig real quick girl. Plug it real quick, girl.

She is Phyla S H E I S F I L A @ Sheisphyla Come on over to the dark side.

Girl. It is the dark and the light side girl, because she's going to be enlightening you.

So good. So let's talk a little bit about some of the pitfalls that women can kind of run across when they're trying to implement this self care process and why they need you so.

Badly.

So one of the things that.

Comes up probably the quickest and the fastest is that because we're working, you and I, right, are working with results driven women after like the first three.

Days, they're like, nothing's happening, nothing's changed, nothing's happening. Or they're like, I'm feeling a lot, I don't like this space.

Right?

Yes. And so that can really lead to self destruction because when you are so busy and so accomplished, you're not used to just being still, you're not used to being and waiting and you're not used to feeling your own emotions.

Right? And that's why so many more women now than ever are dealing with like anxiety. Because there's a disconnect from you and your emotional self and your body. Your on a cellular level is saying, hello, something is off here, right? Like we need your attention. And then we start to have all of these kind of emotions that we deem.

Negative. And when you begin the process.

Of sacred self care and you just start sitting with yourself and doing the work, it really becomes a challenge for the women that you and I work with because they want results, they want them quickly and they don't want to move through the process of feeling things in order to get to.

It. They want to do stuff, right? They want to do it. Okay, so if I can just do these worksheets, these are going to be great, right? So I'm just going to go through these worksheets, it's going to be a good job, but I'm not going to actually feel, feel, do my go and go through my feelings and emotions through some of this work that as you say, the work that needs to happen.

Right?

Yes. It's so important. It's so important because also doing that, what you just described is one of the ways that you can grow and create connection with men, right? And if you are so blind and numb to any of that, girl, there's no reason, it's very clear why there isn't a lot of connection with men.

Right?

Yeah. You're giving them male colleague like, energy. And it's like they're going to work, right? And they want to be in a relationship so they can feel safe and just at home so that they can take off the suit and just be with you, not necessarily be at work with you, discussing different topics and debating and all this project. What do you think about.

That? All of that. All of.

That. And that's when we have to come in like girls. Sit.

Down. Sit down and relax.

Right? You are just doing.

All. You're doing too much and then not enough at the same time, too.

Much to the left, right? And it's interesting because this winter I had a number of women clients who were either in law enforcement or doing something connected with the criminal justice system. And it was just amazing to see them realize how they've been showing up. Because their condition, right? They have to be tough and they have to be hard, and you can't show any weakness and you can't show any signs of femininity at work, but you're at work more than you're at home, right? And so now when you come back into the home space and in the relationship space, your energy is so confused that you don't know who to be and how to be. And they wind up just kind of battling in the masculinity and driving the men in their lives.

Away. Right? I'm so glad that we're talking about this, because part of self care is really understanding your entire self, right? It's like, because we all have masculine and feminine energies, right? And like, obviously maybe one of them is more dominant, but, like, we have to really embody our entire selves. And I think self care, from what I'm hearing you say, is doing all of.

That. Absolutely right. And it helps in such a tremendous way for women to be able to reconnect to that divine femininity, right? Because society has not made it easy for women who are naturally feminine to be in their natural feminine state without it being because they're trying to get a man's attention, without it being because they're trying to get ahead or get.

Over.

Right? Or on the flip side of.

That, not being able to be in.

That space because our capitalistic society demands that we show up and we work hard and we make the money and we do all these.

Things. And so for so long, the.

Energies have been suppressed in a way that's unhealthy. And some of them, excuse me.

Have been forced on us and we're.

Forced to operate in this hyper masculine way. And when you're at work, you can't show any tears. Why? Why can't I, Why can't I.

Break down and cry if this is.

What I'm feeling right now? And so there's a level of shame that's been attached to being feminine. And I'm trying. And not I'm trying. I am doing the.

Work. Yes, you.

Are. Back to.

That. Yeah, yeah, I totally think that's so interesting. And I say that because. And I think, and when I'm speaking specifically about black women here, specifically black women are conditioned not to feel their emotions. Right. You better not cry. Right. You get your hair done. No, it doesn't hurt. Right. You need to ignore the pain that you're feeling and just get this hair done. And you're not supposed to feel your feels. You're not supposed to do this. So to your point, there is a training that's involved with not being able to or discouraging any sort of feeling or emotion involved with just living your everyday.

Life. Yeah.

Absolutely. Right. And black women and other women of color, specifically black women and Latinas, have been over sexualized for so long. Right. And so if you want to be taken seriously, you want to make sure that you are not using your sexuality in any way and you want to make sure that you are not showing up in a way that's deemed sexual. And then even when you are or previously have been sexually harassed in the works space, you want to keep quiet about it. You don't want to feel anything about it. It's kind of just the dynamic of the space. And if I want to get ahead and do well, I just need to take.

It. Yeah. Disgusts me.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate.

It. I hate.

It.

Let's talk a little bit about what are the steps that one can take, right, to get themselves on a healthy self care process? Because I know that we're all kind of run, run, run, do, do, do, as you were saying before, right. What are those first few steps that I can do and my listeners can do to start to at least get closer to a self care process and.

Routine?

So the first, one of the first things that I would suggest, and I take my clients through this process at some point in our working together, is to just allow yourself that time to reconnect to your sacred self. And there's an exercise that we do, it's super simple. It's called the Trinity exercise and it is a meditative exercise. It's not meditation, so you don't have to be great at quieting everything, but it's where you take five minutes.

A day to sit with yourself in a quiet.

Space. And you ask each of the important parts of yourself, spiritual, emotional, and mental, right? What is it that I need most now? And you get into a really quiet space, you close your eyes, and you ask each of those parts of you what they need most now. And you listen for what comes up, right? And it really works. You will either hear the words or you'll see the words, or you'll see images or pictures that will resonate with you, and that will mean something to you. And then at the end of that, you bring your physical into it as well, and you just say, what is it that I need most now? And so that's bringing together the physical, the emotional, the spiritual, the psychological aspects of you, and you get to recognize what you're lacking. I have clients who do it, and they're like, you know, I really need rest and peace. Some people are like, I really need more pleasure. Others are saying, I need time to myself. And so these things will come up, and that makes sense to you. And then I say, don't do anything. Right. You come out of that space, you write those things down, and then you simply observe.

Them.

Yes. Don't have to rush to like, okay, let me do. Let me give. Just be with it, sit with it. Observe that. And then over the course of the next couple days, you can challenge yourself to say, how can I give myself.