Shirley's Journey to Engagement!

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guide. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello. Thank you all so much for joining the getyourguy coaching podcast. I have a very special guest. It's one of my clients. Her name is Shirley. And we are going to talk all about her journey on this episode today.

Shirley.

Shirley, thank you so much for joining me. Girl, how you doing?

I'm doing amazing, coach Anwar.

And why are you doing so amazing, girl?

Well, you know, just a few days. It hasn't even been a week. But just a few days ago, with the help of you and get your dial coaching, I got engaged.

Yes, baby. Congratulations, girl. So happy for you. How you feeling? What's the tea?

I feel. I feel euphoric. I feel loved. I feel supported. I feel like I'm on cloud nine. My head is in the heavens. I feel blessed. I feel like there's nothing I can't do or I feel hopeful.

I love it. I love it. You know, I love a good feeling, girl. I love my feeling. And you have all of them. So I'm super happy about this. I'm so glad that who were open to kind of sharing your journey and experience because I think it's important for so many of my listeners out there to understand that dating is part of it. But you gotta. You also gotta be prepared for this whole relationship thing and getting to, you know, potential engagement and marriage. Right. I know that many of us are at the dating phase, but I do think it's a journey. And I wanted to kind of share your journey with the ladies, if you would allow me.

Absolutely, yes. Dating is like the seed. It's the beginning.

Yes. Yes, very much. Okay, well, why don't you introduce yourself? Why don't you let the girls know where you're from, what you do and your age. If you feel comfortable sharing that, no.

Pressure, and we'll go from there for sure. So I'm originally from Connecticut, but I live in New York in Brooklyn, New York. I've been living in New York for about 20 years. Minus one to two years. I went to Dallas and did a sprint for a little bit for work. I run a content studio where I service Fortune 500 brands and their creative strategy and content creation, supporting them with having that impact in the sports, tech, health and wellness sector. And yeah, I'm 39 years old. I just turned 39 a few months ago. So in about a year I'll be entering the big four zero yes girl.

And it's beautiful over here so we'll welcome you with open arms. Thank you for sharing that. So uh, maybe let's talk a little bit about how you were introduced me and get your guy. Like how did that all come about?

Yeah, I, so I. Back in 2022 and 2023, both of my parents, they got critically ill. My mother developed a brain injury, my father developed blood cancer and my. For two years I became not only a full time entrepreneur but also a full time caregiver. And I, my every, every bit of time energy, all my resources was going into serving my parents, going into serving my family, going into serving my clients. And so I had a birthday come up, I think it was my 36 or 37th birthday and I was like doing something completely different. I'm going to go to Joshua Tree in California and I'm going to. You know what I love to do? Ny, Pray, meditate. Yes. Girls and journal by myself. I'm gonna do hikes, I'm gonna eat clean food. There's no social media, there's no nothing, no distraction. So I did that for five days, four nights. And in this I came out and I realized, oh my gosh, my entire, my entire existence has been devoted for these past two years to just serving and taking care of people. I had not given my number out, I hadn't gone on a date, nothing. Everything was dry. My phone, my vagina, my mouth, everything.

No, ma'.

Am. Drive. Drive. Desert. And so I came home and then I went to one of my really close friends, house who is also one of your clients. And I was like, hey, I just went on this journey. This is what I'm seeing. And I'm also a person. I invest in self, I invest in myself. I don't care what it costs. If it's going to help me to, if it's going to help advance me and get me what I want. I put the investment into it. And I was like, I think I need a dating coach. I was like, have you ever heard of that? And she was like, girl, I got a dating coach. I was like, what? And she was like, I was like, I just thought this was like, I didn't know this was a real thing. And then she was like, yeah, white. And I was like, give me his phone number or email or whatever. And so that's when I reached out to you immediately. And then I scheduled a consultation. I wasn't familiar with your socials, I wasn't familiar with your content. I just had this friend who was working with you and I trusted her. So then I did some research. I still hadn't seen any of your socials. I went on your website, schedule a consultation, and then me and you did a 20 minute consultation and then that was like that kickstart, kick, jumpstart our relationship.

Yeah, definitely. I remember that conversation too, because I was actually in New York at the time and I was doing a talk with Jack and Jill in the Connecticut, New York region. And I came right back and we had that consultation and it was really good. Do you remember any of it?

Yeah, I remember. I remember your, your presence. You were so, so attune to me. You were asking really smart questions that was making me think. You were asking questions I never heard before. Like, tell me about your boundaries. I was like, my boundary. I know how to spell boundaries, but I don't know what that really means. So you were asking, asking things I hadn't thought of before, I hadn't heard them before. And I remember being appreciative for how thoughtful and caring I felt like I was being held in 20 minutes, being held with like kid gloves or white gloves. And I was connected to someone who was very like, curious about me and my history and how I got here. So those were some of the things that I remember about our call.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yes. I remember you also saying like, oh, yeah, no one's ever really asked me this before. Okay, let me think about this. Give me a second, let me think. Right. And what I loved even about that consultation, but obviously the work that we've done together is your openness to new and different things, possibilities, perspectives, just being coachable. Like I think myself, coach Shoya, we're always about, you know, if, if we have people that are coachable, we're going to rock it. Right. And so your coachability I think has been so amazing throughout this process. Let's talk about actually starting to work together. Yeah, because it was the beginning part was very interesting. Meaning, you know, in my program we date online and offline and we were having some feelings about online dating. So let's talk about maybe the beginning of working together.

I was so resistant to online dating. I was like, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing like. And it's so funny. I. It was my therapist who had to remind me that I am a coachable person because I was. I was. I don't even know how. Or I just fell in the trap of being resistant and then becoming conscious that I was being resistant. And I was like, this is not who I am. I get to like, give over to this process. But it was really hard for me. I want to say I engaged with you either. October, November of 2023. And for about three to four weeks, I was very resistant to the online coaching, for going to do the online dating. And then through some work and me just trying and trying, something switched when I realized I was being who I'm not. I was like, okay, I listen, good coaching is counterintuitive. I got to do it. I got to do something different.

Yeah. 100%. I always say you have to do a different thing for a different result. Right. And as you know, and maybe you can tell the girls out there, we do a lot of things very differently in this program. Right. Probably the complete opposite of how you've ever done dating before. Yeah. Do you want to speak to that just like a little bit about. Just like, maybe not the specifics, because I don't want to give my whole program away, girl, but just like the process of like having to do such different things that you had never done before.

Yeah. It was so hard. I used to be out in the wild for 30 plus some years. Right. You go to a party, flirt, somebody gives you a drink, you pass information.

I am, I'm a doer. I run a business. I want something done, I go do it. I kind of heard from him. I'm sending a text, giving a call. You know, I'm. I'm taking initiative. I'm. There is no boundaries. It's whatever he wants, whatever I want. You know, it's getting inputs from family, friends, and whoever else is on social media. In your program, there are rules, there are boundaries.

There. There is a framework. You're not going to come in this house and just run all over my car.

Yeah. Sit your behind down before you get a whoop in.

Yeah. There is a system down to, you know, how you. Those initial conversations in a. In your. In the dating app thread, from how you get to the dating app to phone, how you get from phone to in person. So everything is so systematized. But I learned to love it because it kept me protected. It literally kept me. It kept me so safe. And I remember for a while I felt so safe, unsafe in the dating world because I was like, I know, I don't know what I'm doing. There's really no one out here to guide me. And I'm just rolling the dice. But the framework and the program that you've built and you've made available to us, it literally is designed to keep the weeds out, keep the junk out, and keep us safe. And in that, right, we get to have fun and have joy and play because there's, there's, there's safe walls up.

Yeah, 100%. And for you, those safe walls really force you to stop doing so damn much.

Yes.

And stick into that feminine girl.

For sure. I would. I really got an opportunity to relax, to let go and all that, to see who really had the space for me. Right. Who were the masculine men who would really take joy and have a lot of enthusiasm on just watching me relax, watching me be still, watching me just sit pretty and bat my eyes. That's my.

That's right. I love that. So I think we definitely worked on that feminine energy. We obviously worked on some boundaries as well.

For sure.

I know that earlier in this episode you talked about, you know, we talked about. First we were really talking about work. Right. We talked about work. And we first started working together. Then we shifted over to, like family and friends as well. I remember very intimately that we were, we were talking about, I think, some family boundaries. I would actually. So the ladies maybe don't know this, but when you're in my VIP program, you have 24, seven access to me. So don't. You know, I was in the amusement park with my family, with my kids. You might have heard the roller coasters in the background. We were talking about those boundaries that we needed to do down south.

Yeah. Yes, yes. Because my first of all, the VIP program, like me and my friends, the community that I've made in your program, we all like. That was being able to contact you at 11 o' clock tonight after a date or eight, 8 o' clock in the morning, I wake up and my head is on swivel and I'm spiraling out of control. And I mean in my ear, immediately soothing me, calming me down, giving me advice, helping to guide me through a friendship problem. Because all this stuff, it relates, it translates everywhere a family problem. So I don't know how anybody is not functioning with that kind of access because it was the thing that, that supported me the most. My favorite thing about, about the program was having that access to you. But yeah, I, I didn't grow up with boundaries at all. So you can only imagine I don't have boundaries with or. I grew up in a place where I did have boundaries with my mom, my dad, my sister. And then crisis comes with no boundaries. It just amplifies the crisis. So you. Before I even got to dating with boundaries, you were able to help me in those, like, family arenas where we were experiencing crisis. And, hey, Shirley, I think there's an opportunity for you to implement a boundary here, implement a boundary there. And then I was able to sleep more, and people started respecting me more. It was. It just the respect and the ease and all that stuff because of boundaries, a concept I hadn't even heard of before they were implemented.

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Okay. So we had to get the boundaries together. Then we started dating a little bit here and there. We even talked to a white boy every now and then, just to diversify things a little bit, DEI it a little bit. But let's talk about you meeting your guy. Talk to me about that experience of, like, being courted by your guy, and then we'll go from there.

It's so crazy. I think I ended up on Hinge. I probably Talked to about 175, 200 guys, where I started to think of it as, like, a sales game.

Right.

I ended up coming about 175, 200 guys. And Ty, who's my now fiance, he. He was, I think, the second or third person who swiped on me and Hinge, which is when I think about him, like, this is also divine.

Yeah.

But I. I met him. You loved his profile. He had a great profile, was very thoughtful. And then we. We did. So we had one date, one phone date schedule. After we. We.

I forgot. I forgot about the early tentative parts of girl. Oh, my God.

I forgot. Girl.

I forgot about this part.

Okay.

Yes.

Okay. I'll start from we.

So we. We did all the. What? I went through the process of the framework that you have. So we talked on that. Then we went into text, and then after text, we had a bond. Date, schedule. Schedule. So I was at a few friends who I met through your program. We had a dinner schedule, and this is where we would get together on, like, every Tuesday night. And we would look at profiles. We would talk about the guys that were dating. We would just help each other navigate through stuff. And so he called. I forgot. I forgot that I scheduled this. So he called, and I was just like, hey, like, I'm so sorry. I'm. I'm busy.

Rude.

Rude.

For no reason. After y' all had booked that call together.

Yes. Yes. And he the sweetest man ever. He's like, it's okay. He was like, just, you know, I hope you don't forget about me. Just text me. I hope you have the best night with your friends. Text me when you're free. I'm like, oh, complete. And so after that, we eventually got on the phone. Within a few days, we had the best conversation ever. We were. We were laid it in so many ways. And from that, we were like, let's do a coffee date. So we went to a coffee date. We're both dressed super casual. Our coffee date was great. I could tell he was so nervous. So, so nervous.

We kind of just stopped that. Y' all have to give a deep, nervous prize because that means that they give a damn. Right? And so a lot of the girls shade the nervous guys because they think there's no swag. He has no charisma. Like, I need someone with a little bit more confidence. No, the nervous guy means that he's really into you. Yeah. Please continue. Go ahead, girl.

He told me that. He was like, I was so nervous because you are beautiful, you are smart, you are funny. Like, you. You look better in person than you did on the app. He's like, I was nervous. And so after our coffee, and he was so intentional after our phone call, he was like, I want to see you. I mean, or on the phone, he's like, I want to see you. Then we get in, coffee date. He's like, what, are we having another day? Like, he would not let me leave until the next thing was firmed up. And so after that, we went. I work in entertainment. I love art. I love. I love media. I love storytelling. So he planned a date where he took me to this really cool, like, digital AI type of museum. And I was like, this is so sweet. I love this.

Yeah. And then. Then after that, all hell broke loose.

Okay, so let's talk about that, girl. Because I think you are literally the poster child for you can't say or do the wrong thing for the right man.

Right? Right.

Oh, let's talk about hell breaking loose. And I'm so glad that you're talking about this, because there are a lot of women out here that, like, when something comes up that might be different, that might be something that we didn't expect or that wasn't what we imagined, that we might reject or not bring attention to it or what have you. Let's talk about how breaking loose.

Yeah. So I went to. Now mind being in our first physical date. I'm sorry, Our second Physical date in person. He tells me, I want to see you again, as he always does. So he starts planning. I go to Art Basel, and in Miami with my friends, he's still planning. We're trying to coordinate schedules. I come back to New York, I go do a shoot. And at the shoot, I'm, like, tired. I'm just exhausted. He sends me a text. He's like, I know you've been working really hard. I'd love to bring you some food. And I'm like, okay, cool. And I think he's just going to send it to my house. I'm like, here's my address. I show up. He's in my lobby with fake out for dinner. And I just started to panic. I started to panic. I'm like, this is a lady who stole your. To in some way, shape or form, chasing men, having to. Having to beg in some way, hoping and wishing for somebody to take care of me. And then it shows up, and I just panic. So now I'm trying to, like, manufacture in my mind, how do I get out of this, right? I'm thinking he's trying to take away my autonomy. I know it might sound crazy, but, hey, it was.

No, no, no.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm gonna lose my independence in this, man. I'm not even really into this thing. Like, what does he want? My brain was just going rogue. And then my parents. My mom ends up within, like, a day or two of this happening. My mom ends up in a mental institution because of her brain injury. And my father, who has cancer, ends up hospitalized with pneumonia. And I'm running my business, and we're closing out all of our projects end of year, and I just spiral. And I call you, and I'm like, I can't do this. I'm like, it's just too much. Like, dating is now not a priority. Like, I don't care. I send him a text, and I'm like, I do my bol. Which is the infamous best of luck message. I'm like, you're great, but I can't. I give no context. He doesn't know anything. Last he knows is I just brought this girl food after a rough day of work. Like, what did I do wrong? He responds back, copy duck, bro.

Feelings hurt, honey.

Hurt. Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. And I. I go to Atlanta and. And I was there for about a week. And you helped me get through this new crisis with my parents. And I finally get them stabilized. I get my mom out of the hospital, my dad out of the hospital. We have a plan. And then me and you resume that to. Okay, well, what's the plan for Danny? Because you're like, okay, well, we got to get back to it. Right? Which is. I love you. Are so. Yes, yes. You were like, you can't, like, get sucked up in this vortex. Like, right? So then you were like, you stuck. Call that man back and go on your ecology tour.

So I went on my apology tour. I text him and I said, hey, can we talk? And he was like, I definitely thought I'd never hear from you again, but absolutely. And then we get on the phone, and you were like, make sure you're vulnerable and share, like, as much as you're comfortable sharing, but be vulnerable with him. And I was vulnerable, and I was open. Every time I tell the story, I start crying. But he was like, it's okay. And I still think you're the most perfect girl I've ever met. And I was just like, who are you? Yeah, I just, like, threw you to the wolves after you treated me like a princess and a queen. And just, you've been nothing but gracious and kind and merciful towards me. And then I call you on the phone and I tell you this story, and you're like, okay, Anna, still think you're perfect. And I was like, he definitely deserves at least me to keep trying and showing up and seeing what's there, because his characters. It's too phenomenal. Yeah.

Yeah. I love that. Thank you for sharing that, because I think a lot of women go through that exact thing. Right. And life happens. This is why our programs are a year long, to make sure that we take into account that something's going to happen every quarter. Right. And that's okay. Right. But we got to keep on moving. Um, but the other thing is, we want to give space and opportunity to men that haven't done anything wrong. And it's one of the questions that I ask so often, because we all have our own triggers. We're our own situation going on. But did he do anything wrong? And if the end of the answer is no, let's continue to engage. You talked about autonomy and independence. Right. And that was a very, very big theme in your journey. Because maybe, you know, in the past, we had relationships where we didn't feel that way, whether it's parental or otherwise. And that was something that we needed to work through as well. Right. I'm sharing this because I think it's important for people to know that, like, when you're in a relationship, it's the Big leagues, right? This isn't jv. This is varsity stuff. Dating is JV stuff. Even though dating is hard, relationships are harder. And so I just want to give you kudos for staying in it when these things are going and coming up for you.

Okay.

So let's talk a little bit about us getting cold. Y' all been dating for a while now, a good couple months, and we get on a call and you're like, I don't know, da, da, da, da. We were, how. We were kind of going back and forth. We didn't know about this guy. And maybe we can talk a little bit about some of the doubts that we had later on in the courtship. Right. Because that happens for a lot of people.

Yeah.

So what were some of the things that were coming up for you which are very important and valid?

Yeah. Well, I, I will have to say, you always knew you. I mean, from the beginning.

I said, girl, this is your man. You could. What? What? What? No, no, it's not. What do you mean? I'm gonna have to pray on that, Meditate on that journal about that. Uh huh hu.

You always knew, you were always affirming in this. And I'd be like, I gotta pray, I gotta meditate, I gotta journal. Because based off my. Based off what? I was used to every other guy where I was like, he's it. I was not God. And I'm trying to reconcile within my mind, like, how can, how can he be it if based off patterning? In my experience, he ain't it. The math is not matching. So it took me like, it took months. It literally took months. And I had to keep going up and trying and trusting. Hey, the people around you, the experts around me, they're seeing something that you can't see. And this is a good man. I can't. He has never, ever, ever. I've known him about a year and a half now. He's never caused me harm, he's never made me cry, he's never made me sad. His. His entire existence is around servicing me, my comfort, my happiness, my convenience. That knew. It was almost like my, My body was trying to catch up or I was trying like, I'm trying to like create a new belief system in real time. Yeah. But I had to be patient with myself and, and slow down on being so impulsive and just make decisions of like canning him out. Because I tried again. I tried again.

Where we were trying to, we were trying to find any, Anything. Right. But a lot of these things were actually quite valid. Right. And I Want to speak to that. Right. Because there was a faith element. Right. A spiritual element that we had some questions about. Right. We wanted to make sure that he had his own journey and path to his higher power. So that was also something that came up for us that we wanted to work through and talk through. And sounded like you guys had some great conversations around that and some alignment that maybe you didn't know about beforehand and some other things that come up as well. So I, I want to just offer that a lot of the things that came up are very valid things. Right. That we also needed to work through and clarity around.

Yeah, yeah, there was. There was a lot of doubt. The, the second time, I was, like, I was a little messy. I, like, called him before his birthday. It was like a day before or two days before Valentine's Day, which is. His birthday is before Valentine's Day. I just like how this not work because you're like, you're not spiritual, and I'm. Whatever that means. And I, I, I, I. I'm like, I'm a believer. Having Christ and God at the center of relationships is super important to me. And I, I remember it was. It was pairing of you and my therapist offering me different perspectives on what it means to be spiritual. You know, like, to be kind, to be patient, to be loving are all fruits of spirit. And I'm like, he's all those things. And, like, you know, you were like, shirley, this man is. He's trying. He's. He's going to church with you. You know, we started implementing, like, prayer, daily prayers into our life, and I realized it was still, like, what was. I think what was happening subconsciously is, like, these doubts, they were. They were growing and growing. I was just becoming really, really fearful and allowing those things to. To have control and be much more powerful than. Than trusting. And. But again, y' all helped keep me on course because it would have been another opportunity for me to sabotage if I didn't have y'. All. But, yeah, I had so many doubts about. I remember I was like, I feel like I should be so much more attractive. I feel like when he walks in a room, I should be, like, melting. And then you had to guide me on, like, there's different types of attraction, right? I'm attracted to him, but his mind is brilliant. He's smart, he's. He's coachable, he's adaptable. He's flexible. So you had to give me different ways of seeing attraction because I've been so conditioned to think, like, if you don't look like Mu. Fasta, you know, how attractive are you? So that was a thing. That was. Now he's. He's a handsome man.

That's what I have to say. Because people are going to be like, oh, no, she got.

Oh, no, no, no, no, girl, this.

Method is fine, girl. No, it doesn't have a. I'm going to satisfy.

But my. My. It was. It was me being challenged on a lot of different beliefs I had around. What is attraction? What is. What is. What is spirituality? All these things that I had a wild perspective around. But the coaching helped to ground me and to create new ideas, new beliefs, new perspectives where I could see him and just such beautiful life.

Yeah. Yeah, I love that.

So we get into the relationship, right? And then.

Right.

Because I want to talk a little bit about the relationship. We talk a lot about dating on this show, but I think the relationship is really important. There was a time that, you know, we had had some conversations around, you know, making sure that you felt really comfortable around intimacy. Do you want to speak to kind of how, like, how you were thinking about that and in your relationship and why?

Yeah, this is another great example around reframing intimacy because. So I came in saying that I'm not having sex until I get married. And you were like, well, if that's your boundary, that's your choice. Cool. I'll help you. I'll help coach you from that space. Right? So one, we had to do a lot of work on what was my. Why. Why was I choosing that? So in this, I got to get further connected to, like, why that was my choice.

I realized that my. My idea of intimacy, physical intimacy was always sex, just sex. Like, I can't make out or sit on his lap or touch without it leading to set. But in this, like, with you and coach Julia, you guys helped me to see that there's different types of physical intimacy. How do we just, like, hold hands and walk down the street without it being about sex? How do we. How can we please each other physically without it leading to sex? So I got to play around and try things and test things and create a whole different perspective about physical intimacy. But it was very, very hard for me to get there. It was very hard for me to be physically and not even talking about sex, but just, like, just make out or just sit on his lap or just. Just touch in some sort of way. Because, one, I didn't get that growing up. I didn't see it growing up. And every time I did it, it was in the context of sex, it always led to sexual. So I was like, I don't know how to do these things without it leading into intercourse. So, you know, the program and the coaching with you and Shoya really helped me to just create new ideas around different types of intimacy and recreate my, my perspective on physical intimacy. And for him, he was insanely patient. He was, it was hard for him too, you know, and, and that it made him a lot of times feel unwanted and unsure and just, you know, but we had to keep talking about it and have difficult conversations. And now we're at a place where, you know, we've, we've had a slip up.

We, we have fun and we get to play in different types of ways of being physically intimate. But it took months to get there.

Yeah. Yeah. I, I love that we're talking about this because oftentimes this is.