Anwar White (coach) critiques rigid, checklist-style dating criteria and encourages clients to prioritize how a partner treats them over superficial traits. He illustrates with population statistics (e.g., percent of men with graduate degrees, 6ft+ height, six-figure income) to show that narrow lists dramatically shrink the dating pool, and recommends a short 3–5 item 'must-have' focused on behavior and character (acronym: Honest, Open-minded, Considerate, Kind). He also advises reviewing past relationships to identify real likes/dislikes and reflecting on unmet needs from parental relationships to clarify what will make an individual feel safe and whole.
Chapters
What I generally find with my clients is that they have a list and usually it looks really good on paper. Right. That list generally happens and is created when they're teenagers in high school and they haven't necessarily upgraded that list to be in their grown woman status. So one of the things that I like to do with clients is really focus on just stepping back, right? I'm a numbers guy. Like, I went to Carnegie Mellon, like Keith said, and I majored in statistics, and so I'm a numbers guy. So for the women that I talk to, right, they're saying, I want a guy with a graduate degree. Okay, well, only 13% of guys have graduate degrees. I want a guy that's 6ft tall or taller. Okay? That's only 15% of guys out there, right? The average height is 5, 9. I want a guy that makes six figures. Okay? That guy, there's only 9% of that guy. Right? And if we're thinking about men that are 30 to 50 years old, it's only 40% of men, right? So if you do the math, that's 0.7% of men that you're actually looking for. So when you tell me, based on your list, that you're having a hard time finding these men, I believe it because it's less than 0.1%. And that's not even taken into consideration that that point.07% is going to be feeling you.
Right? So I want us to really think about this list in a completely different way. Right? And I have a ton of exercises in my program in terms of how we do this. But generally what I want my clients to really focus on is the number one thing is how does he treat you? Right? Does he treat you like a quote? Right? Because I want you dating not for now. I want you dating 10 years from now and 40 years from now when you're retired. Because when, when you're retired, it's not going to matter if he has a six pack. His height is not going to matter at all. Does he take care of you? Does he listen to you? Is he honest? Is he considerate? Is he kind? So I always say, like, we just really need to break it down to like three to five. Must have, right? And those should really be focused on kind of how he really treats you. Right? I have an acronym, ha, right? Honest, Open minded, considerate and kind. If he kind of checks those off, give him a chance and date him a little bit. Right Again, Honest, open minded, considerate and kind. People sometimes ask me, well, why does he need to Be super open minded because when you guys are going through conflict, you want him to be able to have an open mind to understand your perspective. Right. And you don't want to be fighting and butting heads with somebody that's not going to be able to be listening to you and what you have to say. Okay. I hope that helps kind of clarify like the list, because I think it's something that really kind of hinders a lot of women from love. And what I've also learned is that I've been doing this for a while now. And as cliche as it sounds, love comes in a variety of different forms and packages. And the person, the man that you think that you're going to be with or the idea of that man is going to be probably completely different. I'm not going to say it's always the case, but I'm going to say, you know, I have women that say, oh, I would have never married a guy who didn't go to college. Right. But yeah, he didn't go to college because he got a skill doing plumbing and now he owns his own multimillion dollar plumbing service around, you know, Los Angeles. Right. So really thinking about that list in a completely different way is going to be so important. And I just want to kind of add on to that because I want to give all of your clients and prospective clients a lot of clarity here. The way that I also think about that is think about your list. It can be 20 different things, 100 different things.
Your potential mate will probably check off 13 of those things. Right. And that should be okay. What I want you to really focus on is what you really liked and you didn't like about your exes. Right? Because we don't really think about that. We just think about what we want on this ideal list, but we don't think about doing a deep dive into our past relationships to understand. Actually, you know what? I really like that he would take me on surprise vacations, Right. Oh, I actually didn't like the fact that he had a great job, but it meant he had to work 100 hours a week, so I never got to see him. Right. So really thinking about it in real time, about what you really want and don't want is going to be really important. Another thing that I found in terms of really focusing on what to look for, because it's going to be different for every woman is that you've got to, you've got to. And I don't want to get all, you know, psychological here, but you've got to really step back and think about your relationship with your parents, and what need has not still been fulfilled within that relationship, because that's what you're looking for in your relationships, and that's what's going to make you feel safe and home. So, for me, personally. Right. I had a father that abandoned me when I was quite young. So for me, someone who was reliable and always there for me meant the world. So when I had somebody that was calling me every day, and when I called them, they called me back. It was everything. Right. But that's going to be different for every individual. So that's something that you want to think about on a personal level, so that you're realizing that, okay, that should be kind of your major thing, because that's the thing that's going to make you feel safe and whole.
