Siblings

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week, you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can. You guessed it. Get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go. I never felt the way I do without anyone but you. Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining the get yout Guy podcast today.

This is gonna be kind of a.

Special episode, don't you think, Suzy girl?

Most definitely. It's awesome being on this side of the podcast.

So for those of you that don't know, I have Sincere White here. She is my lovely S. She is my best friend, and she is also kind of the marketing director of get yout Guy Coaching. So she does all of the social media. She does all of the podcasts, marketing and editing, and she's just amazing and the only person that I would trust to do anything related to my business. So sincere. I call her Cece. Thank you so much for joining us today.

I'm happy to be here.

How you doing, girl?

I'm all right, honey.

Girl.

She's already starting out messy. Okay, girl.

So I talked to the listeners a little bit about what you do for get your Guy, but can you just talk a little bit about your past, kind of what you studied, what you went to school and what your passions are and how we work together?

I went to Spelman College. I started as an economics major, and I absolutely hated it. So I changed my major to women's studies because I do have a passion in women, empowering women, and my concentration at Spelman was digital media and film. So now for gyg, or also known as getyourguy Coaching, I manage gyg, social media platforms and the podcast, So I do all the editing for the podcast.

Yeah. And I am so thankful that you are doing this for my business. There is, like I was saying before, no one that I would trust to do any of this, except for you. So thank you so much for that. Sincere is also a certified relationship coach. I think you were certified three years ago.

Yes.

And has also worked extensively with hundreds, if not thousands of people around the world with their relationships. So she knows what she's talking about. So this episode is about siblings. I had this idea about talking about siblings because I feel like, you know, I talk with a lot of my Clients. And I hear a variety of different things. Right. I hear, well, my sister is married with children, and I'm not. Right. This comparison game. I hear I could never introduce my partner to my sister or my brother. They're going to whip him to shreds. I hear mom treated my sister better, and now it's affecting the way that I show up in my relationships. Right. So this is why I wanted to talk about siblings and why I thought it would be an important topic to. To close us out for season two. Girl. I guess I can start off by saying I think that. And just to give the listeners a little bit of detail. Obviously, every family is different, but our mom had us in different decades. So our experience, I think, is a little bit different in that we have moments of our childhoods where we felt like only children, and then we also were in this container of three children. We have an older sister, her name is Tamika, and then it's me. And then sincere. And I am eight years.

And one day we are twins by eight years. That's what we tell everybody.

Okay. So, yes, we are twins by eight years. I'm eight years older. And, you know, I would say for me, having the experiences of being an only child for the first eight years allowed me to understand being the center. Right. And having a lot of energy toward me. I think that when my sister came along, it was a good addition, and I never really felt really jealous. I know that some siblings can feel really jealous when their siblings come along, and it was never like that for me. But I do think that because my mom was a single parent, I felt like I had certain responsibilities for you as a younger child. And I think for me, anytime a sibling is caring for another sibling, almost quasi parental role, it can kind of steal a little bit of your childhood. Not saying that you did that. I'm saying that when you give a child a responsibility like that, and that I think comes from the parent, then it robs a child of really considering and thinking about their own needs. And that you're always focused on, you know, helping the sibling, helping the mom. Right. But there's no space for you. And I'm saying this because I have clients that have been in this experience that have always been helpful for their siblings and almost a parental role for their siblings. But I want to hear from you as the youngest, how you experienced that and what experience you had as the youngest child or sibling in the group.

I think as a younger child, I'm very much the baby, and not just the youngest, but the baby and saying that everybody feels like they have to take care of the baby. And as I've grown older, that has added a lot of stress on my relationships because I'm becoming an adult, I'm making my own decisions and I may make missteps, I may make mistakes. And I think being, quote, unquote, the baby, everyone feels responsible for me or feels that they need to step in and save me or step in and give me advice that I'm not necessarily asking for. And it has caused a lot of stress on my sibling relationships, our relationship, my relationship with Tameka, very much so. It shaped everything, to be honest. And I think as I learn more about myself, as I learn what boundaries are, I'm able to step in and make healthy boundaries. And I'm not afraid of our relationship changing or you're not loving me anymore or my sister not calling me anymore. I'm able to make healthy boundaries. And I don't feel sorry about that.

I'm so glad that you mentioned this because for the individuals that are taking care or trying to help or trying to advise or mentor their younger siblings, sometimes that can be a disservice, Right? I often think that when you're in that role, the person who's helping you get a little bit of an ego boost. Because it's like, I can help this person. I'm feeling really good. But at the same time, there has to be, as you said, a balance, right. Of how do I show up for this person, but also allow this person to show up for themselves.

Right?

Because if we don't, right. We get codependent and enmeshed and we actually don't allow the other individuals to grow in the way that they need to grow. Right? And so for all of those smart, successful, high achieving women out there who think that they might be really helping their siblings by doing things for them, by helping them, I think that you've heard it from me and also sincere that there's a balance there. And if there aren't healthy boundaries in the relationship, then you can also not be helping and actually hurting or making it harder for the individual to be their best selves.

What's also helped is, especially recently when we're talking and I'm coming across an issue and you say, well, can I give you feedback here? Or you'll say, how can I best support you in this time in your life? And that gives me room and space to then recognize what I need and ask of you. And you have the right to say, yes, I can help with that? No, I cannot help with that. Or even give me advice and say, you know what? Mom's really good with this type of stuff. Why don't you ask her as well? I think that that's a really great way when you're trying to respect someone's boundaries, showing up for them in that way, because that's really been helpful for me, and I just love when you do that.

Thank you. I received that. I think that's such a great point, that there are ways to ask permission to help. Right. That you don't have to just give your advice. I think it's really respectful to ask permission if someone wants advice, if they want support, or if they want strategy. Right. I think it's important to preface any sort of conversation like that. So then you give the other person agency to figure out what they want and what they need, and you empower them to make decisions for themselves instead of making decisions for them. I think that's really good. I think that one of the other reasons why I'm having this conversation about siblings is siblings is a very important part of how we create relationships and a foundational part. And our siblings actually serve as our first best friends.

Right.

In a lot of ways. Or friends. Right. And so how we connect with our siblings is very important in terms of how we learn how to create relationships. Right. And so one of the things that I think is really important are the roles that we kind of create in our sibling groups.

Right.

I talked a little bit earlier about being a singleton. Right. An only child versus being in a group, whether you're the oldest, you're the middle, or you're the youngest. And so I'd love to hear from you CE about. You talked a little bit about being the baby, but what does that mean in terms of your role in the relationships that you have and how has that really kind of affected you in other relationships?

For our family unit? I think in a way, I tend to balance our very big personalities out. I think mom has a really amazing and huge personality. My big sister has a very big presence, and my brother also has a very big personality and big presence.

She does.

And so when we're all.

When we're all together, I feel like I am a balancing act in a way. I think that I am there to balance everybody out. You know, I'm the calm when there's needed calm. I'm the funny when things get a bit stressful. So.

So you're yanging for all the yin. You're complimenting whatever the environment is and how does that affect how you show up in your general relationships?

In a relationship, it has not necessarily served me at all because I am, I think, a bit too flexible in a personal relationship. I change myself too much and I think I've gotten that practice in my family relationships and then it's to the ninth degree in a relationship and so definitely does not serve me.

I don't really believe in two, but I do feel like there are flexibility can help and hurt depending on the situation. And I'm so glad that you mentioned this because I've had many clients and there's been a lot of women that I talk to that say the exact same thing that you've said, that because of the family dynamics, I've had to be on edge and super observant to understand what everyone needs to keep the peace. And when we translate that into our love lives, it doesn't work because it neglects your needs more than anything else. And when you neglect your needs, it's going to be impossible for you to be happy in the long run.

Right.

And so part of the work that I do with my clients is also allowing you, right, to be the son, as they say in Grey's Anatomy. Right. The center be self serving in a lot of different ways. And it feels so uncomfortable for those girls who grew up having to keep the peace. Right. And so I'm so glad that you can acknowledge that and understand that and understand that what that connection is and how you can show up differently, differently in your relationships to make sure that that doesn't really happen. One of the things I wanted to talk about too is that there can be a level of codependency that happens in relationships. Right. And one of the things that I'm super grateful for is, you know, when I had my twins, Sincere lived with me for the first year of their life to help me because I had them when I was single and it was so, so needed. I don't think I could have gone through that first year without Sincere, but I think it was a very generous thing that she did. But at the same time, I think that she almost put her life on hold for a year to ensure that I was successful as a new twin parent. And I'm mentioning this because I think that there's a codependency aspect of a situation like this, or maybe there are sibling codependency issues that you may have that at the time are really helpful, but may not serve both people equally at the time. And I want to challenge you to think about Those moments where your sibling has really helped you or you've helped your sibling, but it hasn't been a super fair exchange. Right. I'm mentioning this because I think it's important to realize that, yes, you were super helpful, but I don't necessarily think that it was a fair exchange. And I'm sorry that it wasn't as fair as it maybe could have been.

Yeah, I received that. It was just so important to me to be there for you and to be there with the kids. But I do agree in the fact that my life was on hold because I almost became a second parent, and.

That was unfair to you.

I did not ever think of it that way until you just said it. Just like that. To be honest, as we talk about.

Keeping the peace and helping everyone and then thinking of myself last, this, I think, is a really great example of this.

Right.

Forever grateful for it. But when I'm centering you and I'm thinking about you and your experience, right. I think it's a representation of how we show up in relationships and how we put ourselves last and that we can feel good about showing up for other people. But if it's stalling you, then it's an issue, Right. Whether it's in a familial relationship, romantic relationship at work. Right. If you're doing work for other people and you're not doing your own work, you're not going to get promoted, the other person is going to get promoted, and then you're going to feel resentful because you weren't able to do what you needed to do. Right. And this is a big old metaphor, y'.

All.

But, you know, I think there are women out there that are in that situation, and it's important to realize how it can show up in different parts of your life and how it translates into your romantic life. When we talk about these sorts of relationships, I think it's important for us to also realize that when you. Because I know that there are a lot of people out there. I talk to women all the time who say, actually, I'm going to be in the same city as my sister. I've lived with my sister. Right. It's an opportunity for us to create home. But when we create home and we become insular, it's hard for us to live the fullest expression of our own lives, Right? Because we have home at home. So we become insular. Instead of meeting new people, going out and meeting them individually in a way that makes sense. Like, I could never bring somebody home. You could never really bring somebody home to do whatever. Right. Even if it was like a movie, not even sexual. Right. And that's a limit. We limit ourselves when we do that. Right. And so for those listeners out there that are a bit codependent with their siblings, we've got to create some separation there. Right? We've got to figure out what's their life and what's our life and be very clear and set some boundaries around what that looks like.

Right.

Even if it means, like, you know, you don't have to call them two or three times a day. You don't have to call them, you know, every single day. You can create some space when it comes to that as well. So I think we started talking a little bit about this, but how do you think siblings can affect your dating and love life? As I was talking about not being able to bring anybody home with us while we were living together, it can shape everything.

It just, I think, depends on your relationship with your siblings and how close you are or how close you're not. I think having Elmer and Tameka, our older sister, as surrogate parents. So I think I build up so much pressure when I am introducing a partner to them, because I feel almost meeting my parents, and I feel like if I don't get the okay from Elmar, if I don't get the okay from Tamika, it's worse than if I don't get the okay from Mom. Because our mom is really excited.

She's very open, very optimistic.

And I think that when we were living in Oakland, I dated this guy was just not good for me. And when my brother told me, you know what? He sucks, you can do so much better than him. He is Boo Boo the Fool, and you're amazing. And this is how I coach y'. All.

This is how I coach. So if you want to work with me, get used to hearing Boo Boo the Fool.

If you want to date him, you're going to do you. But I'll never like him, and I'll never respect him. Sometimes when I get my feedback from my siblings, I feel like they are internal voices for me, and I'm thinking how they think, and it kind of takes over my own internal voice for my relationships and my sibling relationships. It's played a major role in dating and relationships. Even now, I'm still learning how to build healthy relationships and healthy boundaries with my family. It's something that I have struggled with in the past, and I'm still working on to this day, and I'm getting better at it. I Know that for a fact.

And I think everyone goes through that as well. Like, families are kind of a shit show, right? And so we're never taught how to create awesome boundaries with family. If anything, we're taught the exact opposite. That as you've experienced, we have to give everything to our family. Especially if you're a part of a black family, right. That it's about the family. Everybody's working hard, so you've got to help everybody. You got to do everything. And so I can definitely understand that. I think that sometimes the way that siblings can also affect dating is, as you said before, giving opinions, whether elicited or not, about the partner, but also by not doing or saying anything, they either go all in, 100%, or they don't say anything, especially in a black family. And it. I think it hurts people and individuals in both instances where if you say a lot, it might influence the person one way or another, which sometimes may serve that person, sometimes may not. If you don't say anything, that allows for potentially other things to happen. If you don't want to speak up, it's the same as a best friend, right? If you see your best friend sky cheating and you don't say anything, it's the same kind of situation. Or if the boyfriend's not so good and you don't say anything, right? So I think there's this happy medium where. And this is what I tell all of my clients to do when they are talking to a guy, when they're dating or close to exclusivity or just after exclusivity, the friends and the, you know, should meet the guy, and the person in the relationship should reach out and ask for feedback. Why do we say this? I say this because you want to keep those communication doors open with your people, friends and family that are close to you. Not everybody, obviously, because you want to be able to consistently check in with those individuals to see how they're thinking about your partner. Because you're in the trenches. So you may have blind spots in your relationship that you don't even see, but they can see with their outsider perspective. Right? So if you're hanging out and three months after you first introduce them to your brother and sister, you ask them feedback, and they say, actually, he's not that nice to you. Actually he says this to you. Or actually, he doesn't really give you a lot of affection that he used to or whatever it may be, right? Those relationships are really important because they'll give you perspective that you don't have and if things get out of control, you have other people that have been documenting the process. Right. And can vouch for you if things go awry or take a left. Right. So I think that siblings can play a very important part in the dating and love life. But as you were saying, sincere, which I think is really important, you have to set the boundaries around what that looks like. And it can't be all and it can't be nothing.

Right.

But it has to be something in the middle that works for you and your relationship with your sibling.

I've been in a really toxic and abusive relationship. And for anybody else who has been in a toxic or abusive relationship situationship, whatever the case may be, there's a lot of shame that plays a part in that relationship. You are ashamed to love that person. You are ashamed to continue to give that person a chance. And I was ashamed to even for anybody to even know that I still was giving this guy a chance and still wanting to keep my family together. And I very much hid from the people that are most important to me what was going on. But I was so ashamed of it and ashamed that I was tolerating this, that I just didn't want anybody to know. And I hid it from the people that are most important to me. It was just a really horrible time in my life. And I felt like I had nobody. And not that I didn't have anybody, but I chose to keep everybody in the dark. And so if there's anybody in a similar situation, start letting someone in, Start letting one person in, Start letting two people in. So that when you're going through it, when you're in the trenches, when you're in the thick of it, somebody knows what's going on with you. Somebody knows to call the police. Somebody knows whatever the situation is, and that you can talk to somebody, siblings, you can ask them. This is going to sound horrible, but I need to talk to you. And I need zero judgment. I just need a listening ear.

That's right.

Don't be afraid to ask people what you need, even when you're in a horrible situation. You know, don't be afraid to reach out to someone. It's something that I regret just not calling my brother or calling my sister and say, I need help. I need advice. I need you to just listen to me. And so I just wanted to say that before this episode ended, well, it's.

Interesting that you talk about that time. What you don't know is that even though you had kind of separated yourself or were separated from us, we were having conversations about you in a loving way and figuring out how to help you, that even if there was a disconnection. I was on the phone with your two best friends from Spelman every day. I was on the phone with our cousin. I was on the phone with mom, I was on the phone with our sister every day, figuring out what strategies we needed to do. I say that to you, my sisters, sincere, who I love so much, to realize that there was work happening every day for you. One, two. That your siblings will always love you and will always have your back and will always be working for you. So you should try to get them into your dating and love life. It is very important they know you the best. So for them not to be part of your evaluation committee is doing you a disservice right now. They shouldn't have all of the power. They can be a jury and you can be the judge with the final outcome, the final decision. But you should have a jury that has your loved ones who can help you with perspective and knowing you, knowing a lot of sides of you that not everybody knows about you to give you a perspective of whether this is a good match or not. But here's the thing, right? When I'm talking about this, I'm talking about evaluating people whether to be an excluding exclusive relationship or to get married. I'm not talking about dating, which I think is two very different things. Dating, do whatever the hell you want to do, right? Like, do you have fun? Do whatever. When it starts to get really serious and we start to evaluate, can I be with this person long term, it's very important to have people, your jury, on your side. And if you have siblings that you have a really good relationship with, a sibling should be part of that jury for sure.

Definitely. Without a doubt. You know, not all and not nothing. A really healthy in between.

Every child felt like they were a single child in some phase of their upbringing. In my phase, my mom got a divorce when I was in high school. And so mom was single and we became best friends and almost like roommates. That set the tone for our relationship. I was in high school a long time ago, but even now we still have that relationship. And I think my relationship with my mom is extremely special because I can call her right now and we're kiki about a show that we watch or a book that we saw or all these different things that are really amazing.

We all have different relationships with our mom. I think that's 100% true. Our older sister, actually, when she was Growing up, spent a lot of time with her father. So part of our time together was also mom trying to make up for some of the time that she didn't have with her, our older sister, which is one of the reasons why mom has moved closer to her during her retirement. That's kind of the relationship that Tameka and Mom have. In terms of the relationship that mom and I have, it was me and her after, when you were born, up until I went to boarding school. So I think we were slight partners and friends, and that has continued. I talked to mom every day, and we're quite close. I'm a mama's boy, if you all could not tell.

But I will say that mom, who, since baby, called me Anwar the star, allowed me to be centered in a lot of different ways, which made it possible for me to not feel out of place in my relationships or in my dating and love life.

Right.

And I would want to encourage the women out there who maybe haven't been centered in their familial relationship to realize that as an adult, you can become the own star of your show.

Right.

That you don't have to be the supporting cast, that you can be the star and you get to choose as an adult who your love interest is going to be, who your supporting best friend or supporting actor is going to be, and who are going to be the extras in your movie. Right. And so I think it's important for you to realize that you have the power and you get to say exactly who gets to be in and out of your life. And so, you know, part of the work that I do with my clients is make sure that they're always centered and that their feelings and their thoughts are always prioritized over anything and everything else. And so if there's anything to glean from this, it's to think about whether you were the center of the family or not. If you were, let's use that in your dating and love life. When we're talking and engaging with these men, if we're not, that's a muscle that we're going to have to start using. This is not about you fading in the background. This is about you being in the spotlight and being number one. Because ultimately, that's what men are looking for. This podcast is obviously not about trying to figure out what men are looking for. It's about you being the best version of yourself, but you being the best version of yourself is what men are looking for. And then you, you know, you were saying, as the baby of the family had A different experience because you were brought up differently than Tameka and I were. I think we had certain expectations that you maybe did not have growing up. And as someone who has three children now, girl, my third child gets away with murder, and.

Girl, I'm too busy to be the strict type A parent that I was with my twins. You know, I think that's natural. Par for the course. But I do think it's affected how you kind of show up in the world and also. But also giving you the space and the license to be the creative person that you are today. So it has its pros. Maybe her not being as strict with you allowed you to be not as type A that me and Tameka are.

Yeah. I didn't have a lot of pressure growing up from Mom. It was just like, try your best, do your best, and try your best. Yeah, it was. I was never unabashed.

Mom with us was be the best.

Felt like I had a lot of agency in high school, and I could tell mom what's important to me and what's not important to me. And I really appreciate that because that's exactly what I needed as a child. That's exactly what I need in my adulthood as well. Just do you be you?

And the difference between that and me was I told mom that I wanted to go to Wesleyan College, and I accepted Wesleyan over Carnegie Mellon. And she called Wesleyan and told them, my son's not going to your school. And she called Carnegie Mellon and she said, carnegie Mellon, ignore that decline. My son's going to that school with a full scholarship. That's the difference about how I was raised and how you were raised.

I hope mom doesn't listen to this girl.

Mom makes me gag so hard.

She makes me gag, too. I don't know if she's gonna be happy about this, but we have to tell the truth. And as she says, get a Baby Ruth.

Get a Baby Ruth. Yeah, Right?

Yes, exactly right. So any final thoughts as we think about siblings and love and dating and.

Relationships, building healthy relationship with your siblings and healthy boundaries with your siblings. That is the difference between night and day. That is the difference between support and not feeling supported.

Definitely. Well, girl, I love you. Thank you so much for being on this podcast. I so appreciate it. Y', all, this is the end of season two. Sincere and I are gonna take a break, honey. And we'll be back in the fall.

Yes, ma'. Am.

We'll be back in one to two months. We'll get our entire fall life with our pumpkin spice and everything. And we'll be back at it in a couple of months. But I want to thank you for supporting this podcast. It has grown exponentially with listeners from all around the world that I never thought I would even get to all of the stands. Middle East, Europe, Africa, parts of Asia. It's been truly amazing as this podcast has grown and been supported. I want to thank everyone for supporting us. And we're going to continue to try to give you what we think that you want and also what you need, which is most importantly. Our intention of this podcast has always been to elevate you as a woman, to give you the information and the knowledge to help you think about your life differently and yourself differently so that transformation can happen. So I hope that we've done a good job. If we have, please write a review in for this podcast that helps quite a bit. And I have a surprise. My business is going to be changing. I'm going to be opening up a group program soon. So if you have any interest in that, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at ANWAR A N W A R at.