Siblings

Computer.

Alrighty.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining the get yout Guy podcast today. This is going to be kind of a special episode. Episode, don't you think, Suzy girl?

Most definitely. Most definitely. It's awesome being on this side of the podcast.

Yes. So for those of you that don't know, I have Sincere White here. She is my lovely. She is my lovely sister. She is my best friend, and she is also kind of the marketing director of get yout Guy Coaching. So she does all of the social media.

She.

She does all of the podcast marketing and editing, and she's just amazing. And the only person that I would trust to do anything related to my business. So sincere. I call her Cece. Thank you so much for joining us today.

Absolutely. I'm happy to be here.

How you doing, girl?

I'm all right, honey. I'm really, really doing something today.

Girl.

She's already starting out messy. Okay.

So I talked to the listeners a little bit about what you do for get your Guy, but just. Can you just talk a little bit about your past kind of, you know, what you studied, where you went to school, and what your passions are and how we work together.

Okay. Well, I went to Spelman College. Spelman, for all my Spelmanites that are listening. And I started as an economics major, and I absolutely hated it. I mean, I really, really did. And we would be at lunch with my friends and talking about all the things that we were studying, and I just didn't want to talk about econ. So I changed my major to women's studies because I do have a passion in women, empowering women. It is something that is really near and dear to my heart and I'm really passionate about. And my concentration at Spelman was digital media and film. And so now for gyg, or also known as getyourguy Coaching, I manage gyg, social media platforms and the podcast. So I do all the editing for the podcast. And if you are on our social media site, Instagram or Facebook, any of the funny posts that you see, I'm the one who has created that for the page.

Girl, get your life, girl. Get all of your life.

I have to toot my own horn.

So that's what I do for gyd. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. And I am so thankful that you are doing this for my business. There is, like I was saying before, no one that I would trust to do any of this, except for you. So thank you so much for that. You're welcome.

Yeah.

So this episode is about siblings, actually. I knew that Sincere and I were going to do an episode, but we didn't know what it was going to be. So I had this idea about talking about siblings because I feel like I talk with a lot of my clients, and I hear a variety of different things. Right. I hear, well, my sister is married with children, and I'm not this comparison game. I hear I could never introduce my partner to my sister or my brother. They're going to whip him to shreds. I hear mom treated my sister better, and now it's affecting the way that I show up in my relationships. Right. So there's. This is why I wanted to talk about siblings and why I thought it would be an important topic to, you know, close us out for season two.

Girl.

So, yeah. So let's talk a little bit about siblings.

How are you, sis?

I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Let's get into it.

Yeah. So let's talk a little bit about sibling relationships. I guess I can start off by saying I think that. And just to give the listeners a little bit of detail, obviously, every family is different, but our mom had us in different decades. So our experience, I think, is a little bit different in that.

We have moments of our childhoods where we felt like only children. And then we also were in this container of three children. We have an older sister. Her name is Tamika. And then it's me. And then Sincere, and I am eight years and one day. One day less. You are eight years and one day older.

Wait, sorry.

You are eight years and one day younger. How is that? What do we always say, girl?

Yes, we are twins by eight years. That's what we tell everybody.

Okay. So, yes, we are twins by eight years. I'm eight years older. And, you know, I would say for me.

Having the experiences of being an only child at a good part of my. For the first eight years allowed me to understand being the center.

Right.

And having a lot of energy toward me. I think that when my sister came along, it was.

It was a good addition, and I never really felt really jealous. I know that some siblings can feel really jealous when their siblings come along, and it was never like that for me. But I do think that.

Because my mom was a single parent, I felt like I had certain responsibilities for you as a younger child. And I think for me.

Anytime a sibling is caring for another sibling almost in a quasi parental role, it can kind of steal a little bit of your childhood. Not saying that you did that. I'm saying that when you set that when you give a child a responsibility like that, and that, I think comes from the parent, then it robs a child of really considering and thinking about their own needs. And that you're always focused on, you know, helping the sibling, helping the mom. Right. But there's no space for you. And I'm saying this because I have clients that have been in this experience that have always been helpful for their siblings and almost a parental, you know, role for their siblings. But I want to hear from you as the youngest, how you experienced that and what experience you had as the youngest child or sibling in the group.

I think as a child, I had a lot of attention on me, and I felt like the world was mine because I could go with my older sister on her errands to the mall or to an amusement park, and it was really, really fun. And then, like, my sister. My older sister did a lot of, like, pickups and drop offs for me. And then I could also go with my older brother, Amor, to different places as well, to tennis practice, to go see a movie. And so although mom was a single parent, I think at that age, as a really young child, I did not experience that because I had so many parents, people in my life. And I didn't feel like mom was stretched thin because I had so many people in my life. I had my brothers, I had my sisters, my aunts, my grandma, my granny. So. But even you talking about your experience, I could see how that is very much relevant because I think on your eighth, for your eighth grade dance, I went with you as a young, young child. We are eight years apart. And anybody else who has gone to their 8th grade dance, they went with friends or they've been with their partner or anybody like that. And I, your younger sister, went with you. So I can very much see how your experience is what it is, because that is a very.

Very graphic memory in my mind. But I think as a younger child, I'm very much the baby, and not just the youngest, but the baby. And saying that everybody feels like they have to take care of the baby. And as I've grown older, that has been added a lot of stress on my relationships because I'm becoming an adult. I'm making my own decisions and. And I may make missteps, I may make mistakes. And I think being, quote, unquote, the baby, everyone feels responsible for me or feels that they need to step in and save me or step in and give me advice that I'm not necessarily asking for. And it has caused a lot of stress on My sibling relationships, our relationship, my relationship with Tameka, very much so. So it shaped everything, to be honest. And I think as I learn more about myself, as I learn what boundaries are, I'm able to step in and make healthy boundaries. And I'm not afraid of our relationship changing or you not loving me anymore or my sister not calling me anymore. I'm able to make healthy boundaries, and I don't feel sorry about that.

Yeah, I think it's. I'm so glad that you mentioned this because for the individuals that are taking care or trying to help or trying to advise or mentor their younger siblings, sometimes that can be a disservice. Right. I often think that, you know, when you're in that role, the person who's helping, you get a little bit of an ego boost, because it's like, I can help this person. I'm feeling really good. But at the same time, there has to be, as you said, a balance. Right. Of how do I show up for this person, but also allow this person to show up for themselves. Because if we don't, we get codependent and enmeshed and we actually don't allow the other individuals to grow in the way that they need to grow. Right. And so for all of those smart, successful, high achieving women out there who think that they might be really helping their siblings by doing things for them, by helping them, I think that you've heard it from me and also sincere that there's a balance there. And if there aren't healthy boundaries in the relationship, then you can also not be helping and actually hurting or making it harder for the individual to.

Be their best selves.

Anything to add, Cece?

That's it. That's it for sure. Yes. I think that what's also helped is, especially recently when we're talking and I'm coming across an issue and you say, well, can I give you feedback here? Or you'll say, how can I best support you in this time in your life? And that gives me room and space to then recognize what I need and ask of you. And you have the right to say, yes, I can help with that. No, I cannot help with that, or even give me advice and say, you know what? Mom's really good with this type of stuff. Why don't you ask her as well? So I think that that's a really great way when you're trying to respect someone's boundaries, showing up for them in that way, because that's really been helpful for me. And I just love when you do that.

I Think. Thank you. I received that. I think that's such a great point. That there are ways to ask permission to help. Right. That you don't have to just give your advice. I think it's really respectful to ask permission if someone wants advice, if they want to be. If they want support, or if they want strategy. Right. I think it's important to preface any sort of conversation like that. So then you give the other person agency to figure out what they want and what they need, and you empower them to make decisions for themselves instead of making decisions for them. I think that's really good.

I think that one of the other reasons why I'm having this conversation about siblings is siblings is a very important part of how we create relationships and a foundational part. And our siblings actually serve as our first best friends. Right. In a lot of ways. Or friends. Right. And so how we connect with our siblings is very important in terms of how we learn how to create relationships. Right. And so one of the things that I think is really important are the roles that we kind of create in our sibling groups.

Right.

I talked a little bit earlier about being a singleton. Right. An only child versus being in a group, whether you're the oldest, you're the middle, or you're the youngest. And so I'd love to hear from you C. About. You talked a little bit about being the baby. But what does that mean in terms of your role in the relationships that you have.

And how has that really kind of affected you in other relationships?

I think, as for our family unit, I think in a way, I tend to balance our very big personalities out. I think mom has a really amazing and huge personality. My big sister has a very. A very big presence. And my brother also has a very big personality and big presence. She does. And so when we're all.

When we're all together, I feel in a way I am. I'm a balancing act of some because I tend to have a big personality too. But when I get in a room with all my family, I feel like I am a balancing act in a way.

So as a family together, I think that I am there to balance everybody out. I'm the calm when there's needed calm. I'm the funny when things get a bit stressful, and I am the serious note when it needs to be there.

So you're yanging for all the yin. You're complimenting whatever the environment is. And how does that affect how you show up in your general relationships? Right. Friends work romantic.

I think as a friend I'm a really great friend. I am there for whoever needs what and I think I'm really great in asking my friends what I then need in return. So that's what I would say as a friend in a relationship. It has not necessarily served me at all because I am, I think, a bit too flexible in a personal relationship.

I change myself too much in a relationship and I think I've gotten that practice in my family relationships. And this is just the truth. And then it's like, oh D, it's to the ninth degree in a relationship. And so definitely does not serve me. And even our relationship, I think that we can be extremely, extremely silly together.

Yes, ma'.

Am. And I love it. And when I find myself in a relationship or dating and I'm not being my spouse, I then it almost sends up red flags to me because if I do not feel comfortable enough to be my most silly self and I'm always being serious and I'm always.

I'm talking about things that I'm not passionate about all the time. It's telling me like this is not the person for me. This is not the situation for me. Because at my core I'm silly. Silly Millie. At my core I'm a feminist. At my core I'm all these different things. And if I am representing myself not that way in a relationship, it's not for me because again, I am too flexible. So yes, yeah, yeah.

I don't really, I think, I don't really believe in two, but I do feel like there are. Flexibility can help and hurt depending on the situation. And I'm so glad that you mentioned this because I, I've had many clients and there's been a lot of women that I talk to that say the exact same thing that you've said. That because of the family dynamics.

I've had to be on edge and super observant to understand what everyone needs to keep the peace. Right. And how when we translate that into our love lives, it doesn't work because it neglects your needs more than anything else. And when you neglect your needs, it's going to be impossible for you to be happy in the long run.

Right.

And so part of the work that I do with my clients is also allowing you, right, to be the son, as they say in Grey's Anatomy. Right. The center be self serving in a lot of different ways. And it feels so uncomfortable for those girls who grew up having to keep the peace.

Right.

And so I'm so glad that you can acknowledge that and understand that and understand that, what that connection is and how you can show up differently in your relationships to make sure that that doesn't really happen.

Yeah. So one of the things I wanted to talk about, too, is that.

There can be a level of codependency that happens in relationships. Right. And one of the things that I'm super grateful for is, you know, when I had my twins, Sincere lived with me for the first year of their life to help me because I had them when I was by myself or single. I will say I was never by myself. Sincere, you were always there by my side, helping and supporting me, and it was so, so needed. I don't think I could have gone through that first year without Sincere.

But I think it was a very generous thing that she did. But at the same time, I think that she almost put her life on hold for a year to ensure that I was successful as a new twin parent. And I'm mentioning this because I think that there's a codependency aspect of a situation like this, or maybe there are sibling codependency issues that you may have that at the time are really helpful, but may not serve both people equally at the time.

Right.

And so one of the things that. And I want to challenge you to think about those moments where your sibling has really helped you or you've helped your sibling, but it hasn't been a super fair exchange. Right. I think I'm mentioning this because I think it's important to realize that.

Yes, you were super helpful, but I don't necessarily think that it was a fair exchange. And I'm sorry that it wasn't as fair as it maybe could have been.

Yeah. Yeah, I received that. I think that was a really special time in our lives, and I felt like it was very special to me as well, because it was. Family is everything to me. It is so important to me. And to have such a crucial and helping hand helping you raise the twins for their first year, it was really, really special to me. And it was an experience that cannot be traded for anything because it was just so important to me to be there for you and to be there with the kids.

But I. I do agree in the fact that my life was on hold in a way, because.

That became.

I almost became a second parent.

Right. And that was unfair to you.

And I didn't have kids of my own, but they are my God children. But it was very special to me. But at the same time, I was still pretty early in my 20s, and I did become a parent in a way.

So I did not ever think of it that way until you just said it just like that, to be honest. But it is true.

As we talk about. As we talk about keeping the peace and helping everyone and then, you know, thinking of myself last. This, I think, is a really great example of this, right?

It's an amazing example.

Super grateful for it. Forever grateful for it. But when I'm centering you and I'm thinking about you and your experience, right? I think it's a representation of how we show up in relationships and how we put ourselves last and that we can feel good about showing up for other people. But if it's stalling you, then it's an issue, right? Whether it's in a familial relationship, romantic relationship at work, right? If you're doing work for other people and you're not doing your own work, you're not going to get promoted, right? The other person is going to get promoted, and then you're going to feel resentful because you weren't able to do what you needed to do, right? And this is a big old metaphor, y'.

All.

But, you know, I think there are women out there that are in that situation. And it's important to realize how it can show up in different parts of your life and how it translates into your romantic life.

I want to add something to that because.

You know, when we had the talk, I think Anwar had been saying, you know, I really think it's unfair. See, you know, you need to have your life. You need to live your life. You need to move where you want to move and be around people and start dating seriously. And, yeah. Been having those conversations with me before. We talked about, okay, I think it's time to do you.

And as you were having those conversations, I'd say, yeah, yeah. I just wasn't committed to it whatsoever because, like, my life was helping you raise the twins, going out, you know, every other weekend or what have you, working my job. And that was just it for me. And when I moved, I was heartbroken. I was devastated. And I don't think I shared that with you, but I just felt like, oh, my gosh, you know, like, Anwar's kicking me out of my life. Like, this is my life. Like, this is what I love. This is everything to me. To me. And you were right. You were so right. I was being very much codependent in that moment. And I just did not want to move forward. I wanted that to be my life. But that was not my life. That was your life. But that wasn't my life. And when I moved from the Bay Area to Houston and I started experiencing what my life is, doing things for myself, making decisions for myself and just living by myself, I realized you were just completely right. No, I was not living my life. That was not my life. I'm living my life now. And I had to have that tough love. I had to have that moment or feeling of like I'm being kicked out of my life in order to flourish as myself and to start anew and just start my life, you know? Because after graduation from Spelman, I moved in with my brother in la, and within a few months, we lived in Oakland, and we knew the babies were going to be coming in nine months. And it was all about preparing for the babies and doing things like that. So very much, very much so that I was not living my life from basically, you know, graduation to I ended up leaving.

But here's the thing, right? As much as you weren't living your life, I was also not living mine, right? When we talk about these sorts of relationships, I think it's important for us to also realize that when you. Because I know that there are a lot of people out there. I talk to women all the time who say, actually, I'm going to be in the same city as my sister.

I live with my sister.

It's an opportunity for us to create home. But when we create home and we become insular and it's hard for us to live our. The most. The fullest expression of our own lives, right? Because we have home at home. So we become insular, right? Instead of meeting new people, going out and meeting them individually in a way that makes sense, like, I could never bring somebody home. You could never really bring somebody home to do whatever, Right? Even if it was like a movie, not even sexual, right. And that's a limit. We limit ourselves when we do that. Right? And so for those listeners out there that are a bit codependent with their siblings, we've got to create some separation there, right? We've got to figure out what's their life and what's our life and be very clear and set some boundaries around what that looks like.

Right?

Even if it means, like, you know, you don't have to call them two or three times a day, Right. You don't have to call them every single day. You can create some space when it comes to that as well. Okay, So I think we started talking a little bit about this, but how do you think siblings can affect your dating and love life as I was talking about not being able to bring anybody home with us while we were living together.

A mess. A whole mess.

It can shape everything. It just, I think, depends on your relationship with your siblings and how close you are or how close you're not.

And just FYI, y', all, I just want to. I forgot. We forgot to mention this early on. But Sincere is also a certified relationship coach. I think you were certified three years ago.

Yes.

And has also worked extensively with hundreds, if not thousands of people around the world with their relationships. So she knows what she's talking about.

It's so true. Sometimes I like to skip over that, but once a relationship coach, always a relationship coach. So.

Yes, I think it depends on how your relationship is with your siblings, and then that determines how difficult or not difficult it is to introduce new partners or how dating and relationships play a part in your sibling relationship. I think for Anwar and I, we are very close, and we've been very close, even more close in the past. And also having Anwar and Tameka, our older sister, as surrogate parents as well, because Tameka's older. And I think in a lot of ways, she took on a lot of mom roles when I was younger. And for our relationship, that mother, daughter, surrogate relationship has never really changed. And so then my relationship with my brother, I think we're best friends, but in a way, he also plays the dad role for me, especially in the past, not so much now. We've reclaimed our, I think, sibling relationship, but in the past. And so that those past relationships play a part on how my mind works now. And so I think I build up so much pressure when I am introducing a partner to them, which it rarely happens. I think it's only happened two times. But I built up so much because I feel almost meeting my parents, and I feel like if they. If I don't get the okay from Elmar, if I don't get the okay from Tamika, it's almost worse than if I don't get the okay from my actual mom. Because our mom is really excited.

She's very open, very optimistic.

Very much so. And so it was like, I always felt so much pressure. And I think that when we were living in Oakland, I dated this guy was just not good for me and a cheater and just horrible when we would argue. And when my brother told me, you know what? He sucks. You can do so much better than him. He is Boo Boo the fool, and you're amazing. And this is how I coach y'. All.

This is how I coach so if you want to work with me.

Get used to hearing boo boo the fool. Please continue.

Sorry to interrupt. If you want to date him, you're gonna do you. But I'll never like him and I'll never respect him. And so then I was trying to low key make it work with this guy which I knew would not work in the end game. And every time I saw him, every time I engaged with him, I felt like Edward was in my ear saying, hit the with a fool. He's a joke and you can do so much better. And so then I started speaking to him like he's so beneath me. And I think I needed to do that. I think I need to do that because it created this rift between us and it just, it was so much even more apparent that it wouldn't work. But even in relationships after that, sometimes when I get my feedback from my siblings, I feel like they are internal voices for me and I'm thinking how they think and it kind of takes over my own internal voice. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But I think for my relationships and my sibling relationships, it's played a major role in dating and relationships. I think even when I was in high school, my older sister called me and she said, hey girl, I just went through a drive thru line at McDonald's and I gave the cashier your number because he was so cute. Okay, I'm in high school and I had been dating for the most part Caucasian men because I was at a PWI high school and my sister hated the fact that I was dating out of my race. This is what I would think. And she gave this guy my number. I don't even know him. I don't even live there. And I was like so taken aback. I did not film our to set three when I was that young. But I was like, how? That doesn't even make sense. How is that person even going to call me? How are we going to like meet each other? It would, it would, it would not work. But again, you know, those relationships I think have shaped a lot. And even now I'm still starting and learning how to build healthy relationships and healthy boundaries with my family. It's something that I have struggled with in the past and I'm still working on to this day and I'm getting better at it. I know that for a fact.

So yeah, and I think everyone goes through that as well. Like families are kind of a shit show, right? And so we're never learned, we're never taught how to create like, awesome boundaries with family. If anything, we're taught the exact opposite. That as you've experienced, we have to give everything to our family. Especially if you're a part of a black black family, right. That it's about the family. Everybody's working hard, so you've got to help everybody. You got to do everything. And so I can definitely understand that. I think that sometimes the way that siblings can also affect dating is, as you said before, giving opinions, whether elicited or not, about the partner, but also.

By not doing or saying anything, right. That they either go all in, 100%, or they don't say anything. Especially in a black family, right? Where it's like. And I think it hurts people and individuals in both instances where if you say a lot, it might influence the person one way or another, which sometimes may serve that person, sometimes may not. If you don't say anything, that allows for potentially other things to happen. If you don't want to speak up, it's the same as a best friend, right? If you see your best friend sky cheating and you don't say anything, it's the same kind of situation. Or if the boyfriend's not so good and you don't say anything, right? So I think there's this happy medium where. And this is what I tell all of my clients to do when they are talking to a guy in. When they're dating or close to exclusivity or just after exclusivity, the friends and the, you know, should meet the guy and the person in the relationship should reach out and ask for feedback. Why do we say this? I say this because you want to keep those communication doors open with your people, friends and family that are close to you. Not everybody, obviously, because you want to consistently have. You want to be able to consistently check in with those individuals to see how they're thinking about your partner. Because you're in the trenches. So you may have blind spots in your relationship that you don't even see, but they can see with their outsider perspective, right? So if you're hanging out and you. Three months after you first introduce them to your brother and sister.

You ask them feedback, and they say, actually, he's not that nice to you. Actually he says this to you. Or actually he doesn't really give you a lot of affection that he used to or whatever it may be, right? Those relationships are really important because if.

They'Ll give you perspective that you don't have, and if things get out of control, you have other people that have been documenting the process. Right. And can vouch for you if things go awry or take a left. Right. So I think that siblings can play a very important part in the dating and love life. But as you were saying, sincere, which I think is really important, you have to set the boundaries around what that looks like. And it can't be all, and it can't be nothing. Right. But it has to be something in the middle that works for you and your relationship with your sibling. Anything else to add to that?

I don't think so. I think anything I have to add to that would just very much prove our point, I think. And I've been in a really toxic and abusive relationship. And for anybody else who has been in a toxic or abusive relationship situationship, whatever the case may be.

There'S a lot of shame that plays a part in that relationship. You are ashamed to love that person. You're ashamed to continue to give that person a chance. And I was ashamed to even.

For anybody to even know that after our breakup. I was ashamed for anybody to even know that I still was giving this guy a chance and still wanting to keep my family together and do everything in my part to. To do that. And I very much hid from the people that are most important to me what was going on. And it actually became even more abusive. It became even more toxic. But I was so ashamed of it and ashamed that I was tolerating this, that I just didn't want anybody to know. And I hid it from the people that are most important to me. And.

It was just a really horrible time in my life. And I felt like I had nobody. And not that I didn't have anybody, but I chose to keep everybody in the dark. And so if there's anybody in a similar situation, do whatever you want to do, but I think start letting someone in, start letting one person in, start letting two people in and whoever that is, so that when you're going through it, when you're in the training, when you're in the thick of it, somebody knows what's going on with you. Somebody knows to call the police. Somebody knows whatever the situation is and that you can talk to somebody with zero judgment. And even your siblings, you can ask them. This is going to sound horrible, but I need to talk to you, and I need zero judgment. I just need a listening ear.

That's right.

Don't be afraid to ask people what you need. Even when you're in a horrible situation, you don't think anybody can understand it. You know, don't be afraid to reach out to someone. I just have to say that because I think as a child and I knew that my mom had been in an abusive relationship, I said, I'll be fine if I just don't get an abusive relationship. It was like the thing that I was, like, hoping for in my life. And then it was like a very much a relationship that I got into. And I was. I felt so much shame about it. Shame that I did not end this generational curse. In a way, I put all this pressure on me, and I could not do it. And it's something that I regret just not calling my brother or calling my sister and say, I need help. I need. I need advice. I need you to just listen to me. And so I just wanted to say that before this episode ended.

Yeah, of course. Well, it's interesting that you talk about that time. What you don't know is that even though you had kind of separated yourself or were separated from us.

We were having conversations about you in a loving way and figuring out how to help you. Right. That even if there was a disconnection. I was on the phone with your two best friends from Sports Spelman, every day. I was on the phone with our cousin. I was on the phone with Mom. I was on the phone with our sister every day, figuring out what strategies we needed to do.

Yeah.

So I say that to you, my sisters, sincere, who I love so much, to realize that there was work happening every day for you. One, two. That your siblings will always love you and will always have your back and will always be working for you. So you. You should try to get them into your dating and love life. It is very important. They know you the best, except for your parents, but they know you better than almost everybody else will. So for them not to be part of your evaluation committee is doing you a disservice right now. They shouldn't have all of the power. They can be a jury, and you can be the judge with the final outcome, the final decision. But you should have a jury that has your loved ones who can help you with perspective. And knowing you, knowing a lot of sides of you that not everybody knows about you.

To give you a perspective of whether this is a good match or not. But here's the thing, right When I'm talking about this, I'm talking about evaluating people whether to be an exclusive relationship or to get married. I'm not talking about dating, which I think is two very different things. Dating. Do whatever the hell you want to do, right? Like, do you have fun? Do whatever. When it starts to get really serious, and we start to evaluate, can I be with this person long term and very important to have people, your jury, on your side. And if you have siblings that you have a really good relationship with, a sibling should be part of that jury for sure.

Definitely. Definitely. Without a doubt. Yeah. You know, not all and not nothing. A really healthy in between. And. And that's where I'm at now. You know, earlier in my life, I was like, their opinion matters. It's everything to me. Later I was like, okay, I don't need it. I don't need it. But now it's like, you need to have a healthy in between and a healthy relationships with all the people that are in your life. And So I would 100% agree. Yeah. Yeah.

Good, good, good, good, good. Okay. Now.

So do you. I don't think we have a lot of time for going through the favorite episodes.

I don't think so either. But I think that we can talk about when parents treat us differently, because I'd love to get your opinion about it as well.

Okay. Okay, go ahead. You can start this off.

So I think my older sister and I joke all the time with Anwar and say, Elmore is the favorite. Anwar can do no wrong in mom's eyes.

I really can't believe that you're calling me out on this podcast, girl, but go ahead, get your life.

I have to. I have to call it out, because.

If we're gonna be open, we're gonna have to open the book all the way.

Oh, God, no. Not the book.

And I think that that's something that we joked about all the time. And I think in our family and a lot of other families, boys, like, carry a huge importance. And I think even when Ravi was born, everyone was gagging on Ravi.

Oh, my God, let's not use the names of my children.

Okay? Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Even when your son.

Even when your son was born, I think everyone was, like, gagging on him, and he was so cute. And, you know, a lot of the importance on the boys, I just say that like that. And so I think that's a joke that we. My sister. My older sister and I joke about all the time, but we used to say, oh, and where's the favorite? And so the part that I think I have with my mom, and it's going to reiterate, and we're saying every child felt like they were a single child in some phase of their upbringing. And in my phase with mom, my mom got a divorce when I was in high School. And so my high school four years mom was single and we became best friends, almost like roommates. And so that created and that set the tone for our relationship because even now, which I was in high school a long time ago, but even now we still have that relationship. And so in a way, I think I'm more so best friends with my mom now when my mom needs to be serious with me or we're talking about a lesson, the mother daughter relationship is very much intact and very much very specific. But on a normal day to day we are more so best friends. And I think that's because in my upbringing in my high school we became more like roommates and best friends. And there's nothing wrong with that. And I think my relationship with my mom is extremely special because I can call her right now and we're kiki about.

A show that we watch or a book that we saw or all these different things that are really amazing. And so when I think about my relationship with my family and how it's a bit different than the ones with my siblings, that's something that I would highlight. And I can't really dissect the relationship with you and mom or with Tamika and mom because my focus is my relationship with mom and I. But I think that very much we're really great friends and I think that we also like argue sometimes, like best friends argue and we need a break from each other and then we come back and we're stronger than ever. And so.

Am I saying on, am I staying on topic? I don't want to go too far.

Well, I think we were talking about how parents treat kids differently and how that affects relationships. And the first thing that I heard was that because you and Tameka think that I'm the favorite, that it's a representation about how boys potentially get preferential treatment than girls in families and also in society. I think it's a really important point to make because.

This is true in a lot of different ways. Right. I know from a, you know, when we think about society and if you've, if you've grown up as a high achieving woman and you've seen this, this can enrage you right to the point where you're actually mean and strict with a lot of men because you know that they don't deserve the treatment that they get. Right. And so a lot of women will actually just, you know, cut them down a couple of points to make sure that they just know where their place is.

Know their place. Exactly.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So. And that starts with siblings and brothers and brothers getting away with murder and sisters. Not right. And I think that's even more pronounced in black families. So that's the first thing that I heard. Secondly, I heard we all have different relationships with our mom. I think that's 100% true. Our older sister, actually, when she was growing up, spent a lot of time with her father. So part of our time together was also mom trying to make up for some of the time that she didn't have with our older sister, which is one of the reasons why mom has moved closer to her during her retirement. So I think that that's kind of the relationship that Tameka and Mom have in terms of the relationship that mom and I have.